11:13

11:13 By Harry J. Chong THIS FILM IS DEDICATED TO THE CHILDREN FROM TWIGHLIGHT ZONE THE MOVIE…GODDAMN YOU LANDIS 1. INT. HENRY’S BEDROOM – DAY Henry is lying sideways on his bed, in his underwear. The alarm clock at the foot of his bed goes off; it reads 11:13 AM. Henry rummages the floor and finds a hammer. He takes it and raises it up; then he gently taps the snooze button. He gets up from bed. Henry puts on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and leaves the room. 2. INT. UPSTAIRS WASHROOM - DAY Henry takes a piss and rinses his hands. He washes his face and brushes his teeth. He combs his hair and leaves the washroom. 3. INT. MAIN LEVEL STAIRS – DAY Henry trudges half awake down the stairs, lumbering down like a bear. 4. INT. KITCHEN – DAY Henry grabs a bowl and pours himself cereal with milk. He takes the bowl to the family room with the fireplace. 5. INT. FAMILY ROOM – DAY Henry places the bowl on a TV tray and turns on the television. He flips to the cartoon channel. He eats his bowl of cereal. 6. EXT. AROUND TOWN - DAY William’s bike ride home. Happy music plays. First person perspective. 7. EXT. HOUSE – DAY

William breaks (stops) his bike and locks it up to a tree. He goes into the porch. Don’t show his face. 8. INT. FAMILY ROOM – DAY Henry has finished his bowl of cereal. The DOORBELL RINGS. He gets up to go answer the door. 9. EXT. PORCH – DAY CLOSE UP – FINGER PRESSING DOOR BELL 10. INT. MAIN ENTRANCE – DAY Henry opens the door a crack and looks out with one eye. HENRY Well, well, well look who it is. Forgot your keys again? 11. EXT. PORCH - DAY Facing to the back of William. WILLIAM Do you really want me to punch you in the mouth this early in the morning? 12. INT. MAIN ENTRANCE – DAY HENRY I’m gonna go take a piss now. Henry walks into the washroom in the main entrance hall. William enters the house. He goes to the family room. 13. INT. FAMILY ROOM – DAY William puts his jacket up on the coat hanger. We hear a FLUSHING noise. 14. INT. MAIN ENTRANCE, WASHROOM – DAY From outside the door we hear the noise of hand washing. The door swings open. Henry comes out. He goes into the family room.

15. INT. FAMILY ROOM – DAY Henry enters the room. William is lying on the bed. The TV channel has been changed. HENRY You changed the channel. WILLIAM Oh is that what those little buttons on the front are for? HENRY There are other places in the house to watch TV. Why do you have to watch it here? WILLIAM Well I don’t really want people to call me a couch potawto, so I watch it in bed. Couch potawto has such a negative connotation. HENRY It’s pronounced Po-Tay-Toe. You son of a bitch. WILLIAM You know we are twins right? We have the same parents. Or at least that’s what I think. Who knows you could be adopted. HENRY How could I be adopted? We look exactly the same. WILLIAM Well you know what the redneck said to the African American, “They all look alike.” HENRY Okay enough of this diatribe on our ethnicity. Change back the channel. I wanna watch Ace Lightning. WILLIAM Stop watching cartoons god damn it, you’re 24! Grow up! HENRY I don’t know what you have against cartoons. A lot of people watch cartoons. WILLIAM

Yeah kids. Are you a kid? HENRY Yes I’m young at heart. I don’t wanna grow up I wanna be a Toy ‘R’ Us kid. WILLIAM You watch way too much TV. HENRY TV is an excellent source of information. Did you know George Bush hates black people? And he also flippity floppity flooed on the issues. WILLIAM Who said that? HENRY Al Roker? Black powah! WILLIAM Yes black power. HENRY What’s with the sarcasm? What you don’t like black people? WILLIAM No I love black people. See that’s why I don’t dye my hair. I like to keep it 100% black. HENRY Alright I think I’m gonna go work out in the basement. If you need me I’ll be down there. And don’t turn off the lights. I nearly got my penis crushed last time. WILLIAM Yeah thank god it’s so small, the weights missed it. HENRY Hey if my dick is small your dick is small. WILLIAM Just so you know we do look alike but we’re not identical twins in the nether regions. HENRY You’re Asian. You have a small dick. End of story!

WILLIAM Or is it just the beginning? HENRY Riiight, I’m going now. And change the goddamn channel! This shit is depressing. Show TV CHANNEL, War in Iraq. 16. INT. BASEMENT – DAY Henry is lifting weights, GRUNTING. William comes down into the basement and watches him. HENRY What are you doing here? Can’t you see I’m trying to lift weights? WILLIAM What I can’t visit my little brother? HENRY You’re two minutes older than me. Get over it. WILLIAM But technically I still am your older brother. Henry puts away the weights on the rack. HENRY Look I don’t like you and you don’t like me. WILLIAM I like you. HENRY Well I don’t like you. So can we not have these convoluted conversations? Every single weekend! WILLIAM If you can’t enjoy your time with your family, who can you enjoy your time with? HENRY How about your friends?

WILLIAM I don’t really have any friends. I’m kind of what you call an asshole. HENRY Well at least you’re honest. WILLIAM The preferred practice is to disagree with my selfdeprecating commentary. You sir have committed faux pas! HENRY What -- the hell is faux pas? WILLIAM Google it. HENRY “Google it,” what the fuck is that supposed to mean? WILLIAM Look it up on the internet search engine called Google. HENRY I know what that is! I mean what the fuck is up with the attitude? WILLIAM Me? Attitude? I think you have me confused with my evil twin. HENRY …Fuck man! When somebody asks you a question you don’t tell them to look it up. You either tell them the answer or you tell them you don’t know…You don’t tell them to look it up alright! People know how to look shit up without you telling them. (Takes a Breath) By telling them to look it up you’re just being a patronizing asshole. Do you honestly think people don’t know how to look shit up without you telling them!? They ask you a question for a reason so you give them a real fucking answer. Not this “look it up” bullshit. People know how to look shit up themselves alright! You don’t need to tell them! WILLIAM

There’s no need to get your panties in a bunch. HENRY I’ll put my panties in a bunch whenever I damn well please! You can’t stop me! You anti-panty-buncher! WILLIAM (Takes a Seat) Okay…so what were we talking about again? (Rest Hand On Chin) HENRY I don’t know. I kinda blanked out. WILLIAM Yeah me too…so hey did you hear about that uh tele-rapist? HENRY Tele-rapist? WILLIAM Yeah he rapes you by phone. HENRY He rapes you by phone? Is that even possible? WILLIAM Well there is phone sex. And that is a thriving multimillion dollar industry. HENRY Yeah but you can’t really rape someone by the phone can you? WILLIAM Mental penetration I suppose. HENRY Well then what’s the big deal anyway? So he calls you up and breathes heavily into the receiver? Big deal. WILLIAM And he also jerks off while doing it. Imagine him imagining you imagining him imagining you –- coming on the caller. Now that’s creepy. HENRY Star 69 the fucker and block his number. Problem solved.

WILLIAM It’s not that simple. Tele-rapists are very clever. HENRY Well then find him and kick his ask. WILLIAM Kick his ask? HENRY Yeah. Kick his ask. If he’s gonna come in here and try and kick my ask. Then I’m gonna kick his ask. WILLIAM You mean ASS. HENRY Oh. WILLIAM Well anyway there’s no need to worry. He’s not gonna come in our house. He’s a tele-rapist. It’s strictly by phone. HENRY Well from what I gather tele-rape is a gateway rape. He could turn at any moment into a real rapist and start reaming my asshole like Dick Cheney. Do you want him to ream my asshole like Dick Cheney? WILLIAM (Scratch Chin) Hmm… HENRY I’m just saying William. Tele-rape sounds very much like weed. Not particularly harmful, but it leads into other things. WILLIAM So is this why you’re always working out? To avoid the mad rush of rapists? HENRY That and it’s good with the ladies.

WILLIAM Yeah but you don’t look very fit at all. You’ve been working out for a year. Henry rolls up his sleeve and flexes his arm. HENRY Look at my bicep! You think I can’t get girls with that? Fuck you. WILLIAM Easy with the swearing Henry this isn’t a Tim Hortons. HENRY Speaking of Tim Hortons, did you hear about that woman who overdosed on coffee? William is drinking a cup of coffee. WILLIAM How do you overdose on coffee? HENRY I don’t know I’m not a doctor. But according to the CBC she had an assignment due the next morning for work. So she went to Timmy’s, pulled an all nighter. Had a couple pots of coffee. The caffeine went straight to her veins and she had a heart attack. Died right there in the middle of the floor. The brown people cleared her out but there was still a stain left on the carpeting. WILLIAM Are you serious Henry? HENRY Serious as Sam. I saw it on TV. If it’s on TV it has to be true. WILLIAM You can’t overdose on coffee. The FDA wouldn’t allow it. Or whatever the Canadian equivalent here is. I really don’t know. HENRY

There is a lot of caffeine, not to mention sugar and cream, in the double-double. A couple cups will kill you. And don’t even get me started about Charbucks. WILLIAM Still. It sounds pretty unbelievable. If you ask me. HENRY Believe it son. Caffeine is killer. WILLIAM You watch too much 20-20. With Bobwa Watuhs! HENRY Hey don’t make fun of her accent it’s very sexy. WILIAM Ew she’s like 60 years old man. HENRY I said the accent was sexy not her body. Pay attention! WILLIAM Sure granny fucker whatever. William gets up from his seat and begins walking away. HENRY Hey! We’re not finished! Get back here asshole! William sticks up his middle finger and leaves. 17A. INT. UPSTAIRS WASHROOM – DAY William is sitting on the toilet reading the book, SPIKE, MIKE, SLACKERS, AND DYKES. 18. CUT TO: PHONE RINGING. 17B. William puts the book down and pulls up his pants. He waddles to answer the phone. 19. INT. MASTER BEDROOM – DAY William picks up the phone. WILLIAM Hello?

William listens. He is taken aback by the noise coming from the other line. WILLIAM What is this a joke? Hello! …Henry if this is your idea of a joke it’s not very funny! William hangs up the phone. 20A. INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY Henry is lounging in the living room watching TV. He grumbles to himself, angry at the programming. William enters the living room. WILLIAM Henry. Henry is irresponsive. WILLIAM Henry! Again, Henry is irresponsive. WILLIAM HENRY! William turns off the TV. HENRY Hey! I was watching that! WILLIAM Did you just call me? HENRY What’re you delusional? William folds his arms. HENRY No I didn’t fucking call you. I didn’t even open my mouth. WILLIAM

No, on the phone, did you call me on the phone? HENRY What am I your girlfriend? NO! I did not call you on the phone. WILLIAM Then who…who was… HENRY Who was what? WILLIAM On the phone. On the phone! Somebody called me on the phone! HENRY Who? WILLIAM The tele-rapist. HENRY Are you serious? WILLIAM Dead serious. HENRY …Get the FUCK outta here! Stop being a goddamn sadist! There is no tele-rapist! WILLIAM You gotta believe me Henry. I think this guy’s after me. HENRY Then hang up the goddamn phone! Look I’m trying to watch these Iraqi children be killed on CNN. So if you wouldn’t mind… WILLIAM Goddamn it you’re sick. HENRY Hey I tried to protest the war. It’s not my fault these guys are a bunch of assholes. WILLIAM When did you protest the war?

20B. ANOTHER TIME: HENRY IS WATCES BUSH GIVE A SPEECH, HE THROWS A BOTTLE OF WATER AT THE TV 20C. RETURN TO PRESENT: WILLIAM Oh what a hero! HENRY You know I would make a good general. I could easily Coop De Tat that place. If given the proper budget of course. I.e. Half of what they have now. WILLIAM You really are a putz aren’t you? HENRY God bless North America. WILLIAM You really are a putz aren’t you? HENRY You already said that. WILLIAM I know I just felt I had to repeat myself so the notion would sink in. HENRY I’m not the idiot who believes in the magical tele-rapist. WILLIAM He’s not magical. He’s real. And he’s gonna fuck you up the ass if you don’t do anything about it. HENRY Hey fag face. I’m not a homophobe like you. I am totally down with the homosexuals. WILLIAM If you’re so down with the “queers” then why did you call me a fag face?

HENRY It’s like when black people say nigga. It’s okay if you’re black, but not okay if you’re a cracker. (Al Pacino Voice) You sir are a cracker. WILLIAM I’m not a chalk faced goon Al Pacino, I’m yellow. Put my dick next to a banana and you won’t know the damn difference. HENRY That’s a good way to get your dick snipped off in a zoo. Are you really that desperate to be a chick? WILLIAM Fuck you Henry. Fuck you. Just fuck you. HENRY That’s what she said! Woo! WILLIAM Goddamn it Henry. Can’t you be serious for a second? HENRY Just one second? Yeah I think I could manage. WILLIAM Okay now… HENRY (Sticks Out Tongue) WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WILLIAM What the hell are you doing? HENRY You only asked me to be serious for a second. Unfortunately one second isn’t a very long time. WILLIAM It is if you’re a fly. HENRY Well you ain’t a fly.

WILLIAM See this is why I smoke. HENRY You’re blaming me for your smoking? WILLIAM I smoke because of stress. You give me stress. Amongst other things…grief, sadness, despair. HENRY I am nothing but kind and generous. You on the other hand are one greedy son of a bitch. I’m not the one who labels food in the fridge like people. WILLIAM So I put a couple labels on the food. HENRY A couple? 20D. CUT TO: HENRY OPENING FRIDGE FULL OF STICK YELLOW LABELS MARKED “WILLIAM” WILLIAM Alright so I’m a little over protective. Sue me. HENRY I would but you’re broke and I can’t call my lawyer because you keep chatting with that damn tele-rapist. WILLIAM I’m not chatting with the tele-rapist. I never chatted with him. There was no chitchat –- there was no chit, there was no chat! HENRY Why did you turn the television off again? WILLIAM I can’t take this anymore. I can’t sit idly by and wait to be fucked up the ass while my brother’s brain rots away watching TV. I gotta do something.

HENRY Relax William! You’re becoming extremely paranoid. You’re worried about nothing. Why don’t you go out and have a smoke? WILLIAM You’re right. I am being paranoid. It was probably just a crossed connection. You know like in those movies where those kids get killed. The dumb white kids. HENRY Oh yeah. WILLIAM Well I Haven’t got my paycheque yet and I don’t have any cigarettes… HENRY I’m not lending you money so you can slowly kill yourself… find something else to do. WILLIAM But you were the one who suggested I smoke. HENRY I said I’M NOT LENDING YOU MONEY SO YOU CAN SLOWLY KILL YOURSELF. I didn’t say you can’t slowly kill yourself if you want. It’s your life, it’s your lungs. Just don’t bring that smelly shit in here. WILLIAM I’m not going to smoke in the house you idiot. HENRY Yeah well yeah. WILLIAM Yeah well yeah? HENRY Yeah well yeah. WILLIAM Yeahhh…I’m gonna take some pictures with my camera. I think I’ll finish that assignment up early.

HENRY Good for you. Now get the hell outta here you crazy mother! I’m trying to watch the Sopranos. Scat! Scoot! Scram! (Dismisses William With A Wave Of The Hand) 21. EXT. PARK – DAY William is in the park taking pictures. 22. INT. HENRY’S BEDROOM - DAY Henry is taking a nap. The PHONE RINGS. He wakes up to go answer it. HENRY (On Phone) Hello? No, I am not interested in getting new windows. Yes. I’m positive. I do not want new windows. (Listens) We already have windows. They’re fine. Now please, I… (Continues Listening) Listen twat lips! I don’t want your fucking windows okay! Just drop the fucking sales pitch! I don’t windows, I don’t want doors, I don’t even wanna fuck your sister. So just shut the hell up and leave me alone! (Continues Listening) Oh Janice! Uh yeah…really I had no idea it was you. Your voice just sounds so different over the phone and…okay yeah but you’re the one who… The caller, Janice, hangs up. HENRY Son of a bitch! Henry slams the phone down. 23. INT. DINING ROOM – DAY Henry has his head rested over his folded arms on the dining table. William returns from his photo shoot. He enters the dining room and looks at Henry. WILLIAM Hey you okay? Henry grumbles.

HENRY No, go away. WILLIAM Is this about the DVD I rented? HENRY No. WILLIAM If it was I totally understand. Henry lifts his head. HENRY What are you yabbering about? WILIAM The DVD. It had a really crappy ending. So I’m just saying that if you were disappointed I understand. HENRY I don’t care about Superman Returns alright. I have other things on my mind. WILLIAM Look, just admit it. It was a bad movie. I mean for fuck sake the big villain at the end was a fucking mountain! Who the fuck fights a mountain? I mean Jesus Christ anything woulda been better than a mountain. How about a fucking spider did anybody even stop to think about that? HENRY I don’t care about Superman. WILLIAM Spiderman? HENRY Oh god, don’t even talk about Spiderman. That was terrible. WILLIAM You didn’t like Spiderman 3? HENRY Don’t get me started, don’t even get me started.

WILLIAM Okay I won’t. HENRY Man Spiderman 3 was terrible! What the fuck was up with that dance number? Spiderman doesn’t dance. You know who dances? John fucking Travolta? And maybe Tobey Maguire. But Peter Parker? No fucking way. WILLIAM I take it you didn’t like SM3. HENRY SM3? Fuck SM3. And fuck Kirsten Dunst. What is up with that face? I mean god yeah she’s got a nice rack, but that face… what is up with that face? WILLIAM What the hell are you talking about? Her face is perfectly fine. You know who really has a fucked up face? Adrien Brody. HENRY Who the fuck is Adrien Brody? WILLIAM The Pianist. HENRY The penis? WILLIAM (SLOWLY) The Pianist. HENRY Oh. That was a good movie. Way better than Schindler’s List. He didn’t even have a list, did you know that? Talk about false advertising. WILLIAM I think he had a list. Also I don’t think that was the point of the movie. HENRY Well it was a bad movie. What kind of idiot makes a black and white film, when they can use color?

WILLIAM His name is Steven Spielberg and he isn’t an idiot. You’re the idiot. HENRY I’m the idiot? WILLIAM Just because a movie is black and white doesn’t make it stupid. Movies made in black and white are made that way to convey a specific tone. Unfortunately you wouldn’t know that. HENRY William you only like black and white movies because you are an artsy fartsy mother fucker. Your idea of a good movie is Eraserhead. WILLIAM That was a good movie. HENRY There’s only one good movie in black and white William and it ain’t Citizen Kane -- it’s Clerks. WILLIAM Are you comparing Clerks to Citizen Kane? HENRY Fuck Citizen Kane. He wasn’t even a Citizen. He was an illegal immigrant from Mexico. His name was Don Juan and he had a gay lover named David Dickbud. WILLIAM Did you even watch that movie? HENRY iTunes bitch! WILLIAM Alrighty then…I guess you’re feeling better. HENRY Neh, still feel like shit. WILLIAM So what happened?

HENRY I broke up with my girl I called her twat lips over the phone. WILLIAM Janice broke up with you because you called her twat lips? HENRY No I fucked her sister. WILLIAM (Irish Accent) Jayzuz Fookin' Christ! HENRY It was a mistake, an honest mistake. They’re twins. Identical twins. I got them confused. WILLIAM Well…she still had a good reason to break up with you. HENRY Oh that’s not why she broke up with me. WILLIAM What? HENRY She broke up with me because I came on her chest. WILLIAM Gross. But I still don’t see how that would be the straw that broke the camel’s back? Considering what happened. HENRY Wait I’m not done yet. After I came on her chest, I took her long beautiful hair and wiped it up. Then I squatted over her and took a shit on her tits. Then I wrapped her up in her new bed sheets and smeared it all around. Then I ran around like a mad man singing, “Singing in the rain.” Then as the finale I took a piss on her dog. WILLIAM What’re you an aristocat? HENRY But that’s not why she broke up with me.

WILLIAM Okay then why’d she break up with you? HENRY After we finished “making love” I told her to make me a sandwich. WILLIAM That’s it? HENRY She’s a feminist. WILLIAM Hmm…I can really see why you’re feeling shit though. It’s gonna be pretty hard to find another girl like that. One who tolerates your bullshit so well. HENRY Yeah that’s part of the reason why I feel depressed. But there are other things on my mind too. Wanna hear about it? WILLIAM I’ll read your blog. HENRY Okay but I have some really interesting stories. WILLIAM Maybe later Henry, Maybe later. 24. INT. WILLIAM’S ROOM - DAY William is on his computer looking at porn. Henry enters the room. HENRY Hey William do you… William jumps out his seat, embarrassed, and surprised by Henry’s abrupt appearance. WILLIAM What like you don’t look at porn. HENRY

Not midget porn. CLOSE UP – COMPUTER SCREEN, MIDGETS FUCKING WILLIAM So I like my women petite is that really such a crime? HENRY No but it’s pretty gross. WILLIAM What makes it so gross? I mean in comparison to other porn. What makes it so gross? HENRY Anybody with a fetish for midgets is really a latent pedophile. So come outdo that kiddy kloset and admit it. You sick fuck! WILLIAM I’m not Ronald McDonald. I don’t like kids. I like women with big bushes and big tits. Real women. HENRY Kids can have big bushes and big tits. I mean there are 6 billion people on this planet, there has to be an abnormality or two. YOU SICK FUCK! WILLIAM Stop calling me that! Midget porn is 100% legal, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with midget porn! HENRY Yeah except that you’re a latent pedophile. You don’t like it tall, you like it small. That says something about your brain. YOU SICK FUCK! WILLIAM Will you stop bustin’ my balls? HENRY Oh what I’m not young enough to bust your balls? Too much grass on the field? YOU SICK FUCK! WILLIAM

Even if I was a kiddy fucker I’m way out your league man. You’re not even in a league. You have no league! You league-less mother fucker! HENRY I’d rather be a MoFo than a KiFo. WILLIAM Don’t you have anything better to do with your time than bother me? HENRY No not really. The PHONE RINGS. William answers it. He gasps and covers the receiver. WILLIAM (Whispering) It’s him! HENRY Who? WILLIAM The telerapist. HENRY Goddamn it! Gimmie the phone! William gives the phone to Henry. HENRY (Vietnamese Accent) Me so horny! Me love you long time! You like sucky, sucky? Boom-boom, yum-yum yah? Happy happy new year! Happy! Happy! WILLIAM What the fuck are you doing? HENRY If he’s gonna fuck with us, I’m gonna fuck with him. WILLIAM Call me crazy but I’d prefer not to fuck him.

HENRY Okay crazy. (Scottish Accent) Look here sonny. I know you’re lonely and you want attention. But this is not the way to get it for shite-sake. (African Accent) Don’t make me come over there and kick your ass. I know the Kung-fu. I learn it from Nelson Mandela. And he know the Keanu Reeve. Williams take back the phone. HENRY Hey! WILLIAM Stop goddamn it! Stop! This guy is a pervert not an idiot. Do you think by doing different voices he’s gonna get scared and think there’s a bunch of different people here? HENRY Yyy…no. WILLIAM (Sighs) Aye carumba. This is turning out to be quite the weekend. HENRY (Skeptical Sarcasm) Yes it is. 25. INT. HENRY’S ROOM – DAY Henry is dancing to music. William enters the room. Henry stops the music. WILLIAM What the? HENRY I… WILLIAM Oh you’re making a video for YouTube? HENRY Huh? Oh yeah. That’s it. I’m making a video for the internet.

WILLIAM You know um…I don’t want to criticize you but, normally only videos of skanky girls get viewed on the internet. Are you a skanky girl? HENRY Obviously – not. WILLIAM You know what would be a better idea for a video. People dying; yeah I think the world would really like to see something like that, just a compilation of people dying in hilarious manners. HENRY They already have that. It’s called The Faces of Death. WILLIAM Jesus Christ! That really exists?! I was just fucking kidding. What kind of sick fuck makes a video like that?! HENRY Allison Stokke? WILLIAM Who the fuck is Allison Stokke? HENRY She’s a pole vaulter, likes the feel of the pole. WILLIAM And how do you know this pole vaulter? HENRY Well there’s some nude pictures of her on Flickr. You know that photo storage website that was bought by Yahoo.com. Yeah you can see ‘em there. WILLIAM How old is she? HENRY 18, 19? I really dunno. But apparently alotta guys wanna fuck ‘er. WILLIAM

And how do you know this? HENRY They said and I quote, “I would fuck her.” WILLIAM What is up that? HENRY What is up with what? WILLIAM Guys. Men. Why do they always have to let you know they would have sex with a girl? I mean jeez, like I don’t know you’re horny fuck. It’s clearly obviously telling by the size of your dick you don’t get any action and pretty much would fuck anything beside your mom and your sister. HENRY What about cousins? WILLIAM Eh some people would fuck their cousins. HENRY I see. WILLIAM I’m just saying it’s ridiculous. Are men so patronizing that they think other men don’t know they’d fuck that girl. We’d all fuck her for fuck sakes! We don’t need to know that you would fuck her. HENRY Yes the real question is would she fuck you. WILLIAM And the answer is always… HENRY No. WILLIAM I mean what do men think? Do they think that the girl’s gonna turn around and say, “Oh jeez. Luckily I heard that you wanted to fuck me. Now we can go in that broom closet and hump. Hey did I mention 300 pound men with small dicks

really get my rocks rolling? Hurry let’s not waste any time, let’s get fucking!” (Sighs) HENRY I didn’t really understand what you said, but I think I get your point. Men, what scum. WILLIAM You know it girlfriend. (Snaps Fingers, Bobs Head Side to Side) Mmm-hmm! HENRY Don’t do that. WILLIAM You don’t own me. You don’t even own this house. HENRY Hey you know what would be funny? WILLIAM (Looks Left & Right) … HENRY Hey you know what would be funny? WILLIAM (Looks Right & Left) … HENRY Answer me goddamn it! WILLIAM Oh I thought that was a rhetorical question. HENRY Well it is. But still you should at least respond. WILLIAM Then that’s not a rhetorical question. Is it? HENRY Yeah you know what would be funny?

WILLIAM Go on… HENRY If we made some fake tapes and sent them to the CBC. WILLIAM Fake tapes, fake tapes of what? HENRY Remember that crazy Asian? WILLIAM There are a lot of crazy Asians. You’re gonna hafta be more specific. HENRY What was his name? That Korean mother fucker. You know the Virginia Tech Massacre. WILLIAM Say it ain’t so. HENRY I think it would be a great prank. You know give the people a little scare. Excite them a bit. WILLIAM That’s not funny Henry. You can’t make a mock parody of a tragic event. That’s just being an asshole. HENRY What’re you talking about? People do it all the time. Don’t you ever watch that TV show South Park? Remember that episode about 9-11 when Stan made a mud monkey in the urinal and got his friend Kyle involved in his very hilarious Shenanigans? WILLIAM Unfortunately I do not. HENRY Oh that was really funny. So funny. I laughed so hard I almost squeezed out a chocolate hot dog. I swear William, South Park gets me so hot. That Trey Parker is a genius. WILLIAM

And what about what’s his name -- Matt Stone? HENRY Yeah he’s okay. But I wouldn’t suck his dick. WILLIAM Yeah me too. HENRY Man I really admire those guys. That show is great. G-R-8 man. WILLIAM Why would you admire them? What have they done for society besides making mass appeal dick and fart jokes? What about the doctors and scientists? What about the people who truly make a difference to society. What about the geneticists and the surgeons? What about them Henry? What the fuck about them? HENRY Look I’m sure they get their glory too. There’s no need to whine. They’re fine William, they’re fine. Now shut the shit and listen to my idea. WILLIAM I heard it already Henry and I don’t like it. HENRY What’re you the FCC? Come on it’s a great idea! WILLIAM If you get caught Henry you WILL go to prison. And you will become someone’s bitch. I won’t say who. It could be the large tattooed Mexican or the big black guy, but you will become someone’s bitch. HENRY Are you gonna help me or not? I need a cameraman. WILLIAM No. Don’t do it Henry. It’s a dumb idea. HENRY

Why should I listen to you? You’re not the boss of me. You’re not the boss of me now and you’re not that big. Who’s the boss? Not fucking you. WILLIAM I’m not trying to boss you around. I’m just trying to stop you from doing something extremely stupid. HENRY I’m gonna wear a mask William. I’m not a dumbass WILLIAM I beg to differ. HENRY Beg all you want. I’m doing it. And I’m gonna be famous. I’m gonna be the next loneygirl15. WILLIAM You’re not gonna be lonely in prison that’s for sure. HENRY I told you before I’m down with the gay scene yah homophone. I’m perfectly comfortable with my sexuality. WILLIAM You won’t be that comfortable with a dick between your cheeks. I’m talking all four cheeks here man. HENRY A ream for a dream. I can handle that. WILLIAM Look Henry I’m your twin. If you get fucked up the ass I’m gonna feel it too. So please don’t do this. HENRY It’s just a video. Nobody will give a damn. WILLIAM Then why are you doing it? HENRY Okay someone will give a damn. But most of all they’ll give a damn -- about me!

WILLIAM I give a damn about you Henry. You don’t need all those extra damns. HENRY Need I remind you we’re twins? When you give a damn about me, it’s like me giving a damn about myself. And I already give a damn about myself. So I don’t need double damns. WILLIAM Fine do what you want. Go ahead see if I give a damn! HENRY Reverse psychology only works in the movies William. WILLIAM Really? Oh in that case -- WHAT’RE YOU A FUCKIN’ IDIOT?! (Pulls Hair) Don’t do it yah moron! You’re commitin’ suicide! HENRY Even if I did commit suicide, I’m not really committing suicide per se am I? In fact I’m not committing to anything at all. Isn’t the whole reason you “commit” suicide so you don’t have to commit to anything –- i.e. life. So I think using the word commit with suicide, is a bit of an oxymoron. WILLIAM Okay Jerry Seinfeld I get your point. HENRY What is the deal with blinds? If you have windows why would you want blinds? WILLIAM Fresh air. HENRY Oh. Well what is the deal with camera phones? Is it a phone or is it a camera? Make up your minds. WILLIAM It can be both. HENRY I’m gonna go make that video now.

26. INT. BASEMENT – DAY, AFTERNOON Henry is reading off a piece of paper, mocking the VT massacre: HENRY Why did I do it? I had to. I had no choice. But you did! You had a 100 million billion chances in the world to avoid this! But no! You had to spill my blood! And drink your damned Starbucks! Tim Hortons is way better you fuckers! Anyway…it’s your fault man. You forced me into a corner and peed on my face. Oh I enjoyed it for a while, but it got to be too much! Fuck you guys’s! The decision was yours! Now you have blood and pee on your hands that will never wash off! You Danish eating soul rapers! You took away my innocence! Henry goes into his red tool box and gets out a hammer. He poses like a retard. William enters the basement. WILLIAM You’re not sending out that tape Henry. HENRY You can’t stop me! Nobody can! I’m the angel of death! WILLIAM Don’t make me kick your ass. Because it’s gonna be very painful. Because it’ll be like kicking my own ass. HENRY You can’t kick my ass! I’m a krazy Korean! Henry flails his arms and legs around, acting like a monkey on drugs. WILLIAM Please stop. It’s very painful to watch. Henry pauses. HENRY You can’t stop me! Nobody can! I’m the Krazy Korean!

Henry continues his drugged monkey dancing. Williams turns off the lights. Henry trips and falls over. William turns back on the lights. WILLIAM What were you saying? I couldn’t stop you. HENRY That was dirty pool man! Real dirty pool! WILLIAM Henry, don’t send this tape out. People are going to make fun of you…if you’re lucky. If you aren’t they will beat your mercilessly and stick Q-tips in your dick hole. Don’t do it. Be smart. Do the right thing. HENRY Okay Spike Lee I’ll take your advice. WILLIAM Thank you. 27. EXT. MAILBOX – DAY William slips a package into the mailbox. 28. INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY William is sitting on the couch reading a magazine. Henry enters the room. WILLIAM You did it didn’t you? HENRY Yeah… WILLIAM Well it looks like we’re gonna be in a pretty big pickle. HENRY Who is this we? I was the one who sent the video out. WILLIAM Yes but I happen to look exactly like you! You know what happened today when I went out? Do you know what happened?

HENRY Uh no. WILLIAM Exactly. You don’t know. Anything could happen. All because you had to be a stupid jerk and make that dumb video. HENRY It’s not a dumb video. It’s gonna bring me fame and fortune. WILLIAM How is it going to bring you fortune? HENRY Uh t-shirts? WILLIAM T-SHIRTS! What kinda sick dick would want your face on their chest? Hmm? HENRY Masochists? William puts down the magazine and gets up from his seat. WILLIAM MASOCHISTS?! HENRY Yes. Masochists. Masochistic Japanese babes. WILLIAM I’m sorry Henry but unlike your fantasies masochists don’t really exist. Kinda like God. HENRY What did you say? WILLIAM I’m sorry? HENRY No what did you say about God. WILLIAM Uh he isn’t real.

HENRY What the fuck is that supposed to mean? WILLIAM It means I don’t believe magic and anybody who does is a stirred up shit sniffer. HENRY Are you implying I’m a shit sniffer? WILLIAM No I’m implying you’re a Jesus freak. HENRY You asshole. All the times you went to church was just for the wine and crackers wasn’t it? WILLIAM Yah damn right. HENRY (Points) Atheist! WILLIAM Hey at least I’m not an idiot. I’m not delusional. I don’t believe in invisible creatures and red mother fuckers with horns and pitchforks. Call me crazy. HENRY You know why you’re an atheist? Because you’re a cynic. Cynics don’t believe in anything. WILLIAM I believe in not believing…in stupid things. HENRY It is not stupid! Look around you man! Look into the sky. Look at the beauty and glory; the stars and the moon. Don’t you wonder ever who made it? Who created all these amazing things? WILLIAM It wasn’t made it was just there. Shit happened. Scientists call it the big bang. HENRY

Just consider the complexity! Look at how complex it is! Do you really think it’s a matter of shit just flying together and sticking? WILLIAM Give it a couple hundred billion years and yes. Things may in fact work out. HENRY Hold on a second… Henry leaves and returns with a banana. HENRY Look at this banana. Look at it! This fruit was made for us. It fits perfectly into our hands, it’s portable, it’s 100% edible, and even has pop tab on the top. Henry opens the banana. HENRY Do you think this just randomly happened? WILLIAM Evolution. HENRY How in the world could a tree evolve to make a fruit specifically tailored for humans in order to propagate? Humans, Homo-sapiens, have only existed for a 150,000 years. What accounts for the banana the other millions of years? WILLIAM Monkeys. HENRY Monkeys? Monkeys don’t eat bananas. That’s just in the fucking cartoons. WILLIAM Henry I don’t believe in God what’s the big deal? HENRY The deal is you’re a fucking ingrate. WILLIAM Oh how Christian of you to call me a fucking ingrate.

HENRY I’m just saying you don’t appreciate the past that’s why you don’t believe in God. If we go all the fucking way back, to the very first molecule, what the hell explains that? Who made it? Hmm? WILLIAM Don’t “hmm” me. Nobody made it. It was just there. There are two outcomes to the universe. A) Nothing exists B) something exists. And if you ask me the latter is the most logical. It’s just a part of nature. Things exist on their own. They don’t need some old white man telling them what they should or shouldn’t be. That is a fact. Henry scowls. WILLIAM And the only reason you believe in god is because you’ve been brainwashed. God is real Henry. HE DOESN’T EXIST HENRY (Covers Ears) No! Henry runs away. WILLIAM Dance puppet, dance!

Stirring Why? You’re young, you’re smart, you look…not that hideous. The world’s your oyster! Everyone matters. Even Janitors. BITS -I like the smell of pussy in the morning -Hypothetical Questions -Jumbones -Who is the best superman? -Free Speech, Word "Niggers" -Too Big For Your Britches -Nappy headed hoe, you ching chong, you nigger! -Silent Velcro

-Standing too close outside the washroom -Labels on food -Hand washing, too much, money touching -Shit is in the air, fecal-coliform -Bad Singing -Jungle Monkey -I wanna die before I'm 30 so I don't have to face the cruel reality of this world -What do I do with my life? Do something or Hakuna Fucking Mata Ta Ta. It's an Australian thing. It means no worries. -What do I do this city? It's a shit hole? -Red Snow Cones -Get my eat on. -Weapon named Charlene -Edmund Burke -Get off her clit -Tootsie -Bob Denver, John Denver -Hate mail -comic book convention, fuck Stan Lee -Christmas is about gifts -Allen Smithee -Henry & Allen -The Shooting Massacre (VA Tech) -Bow & Arrow Scene -Movies these days suck, Superman Returns Ending, Mountain -Dubbed Porn -Out of my league, not even in your league -Fuck Banksy -Bunch of dust -Visually Transmitted Diseases -Canadian or American Girls? Canadian cunts tastes like Maple Syrup. -First movie I've walked out on in 30 fucking years, you're not even 30 -Knifeman cuts off penis in front of diners -Riding Bike -House is on fire -Doesn't believe in God -Trying to find self -Production Values on Porn Are So Low -Nobody in life gets to do what they want, if you do what you love, nay -Everyone has a role in life, even the janitor, it goes bottom up

-Work Till U Die, Everyone Is A Hedonist -Bad Kum -Worried about aging, not getting old, life passing me by -Coup d'état -Don't be a pussy -I miss her like I miss cancer. You never had cancer. -I don't want any memories of my former self. I don't want an encapsulations. -I don't want to live and die a nobody -Mediocrity is what puts baby in the corner -Why men cheat, they like the challenge -Reminiscing about reminiscing -Would you rather be the world's fattest or shortest man? -We're all pink inside -I'm going to hell. Who's coming? -Gonna start a society of poets who are dead. Edgar Allen Poe. -Sugar tits -fruits that start with the letter A, Arange Harry says: i hate when people go back to the past Harry says: and start accusing people of being gay Harry says: but only the good people Harry says: lincoln etc (oscar wilde, shakespeare) + - Paul + - says: hahaha + - Paul + - says: yeah Harry says: we should start calling andy warhol straight -Character thinks there's a murderer outside, symbolizes his fear for the outside world -Eating fried dog -Production assistant, how creative can you be with coffee? =It's not like photography. =Photography isn't that creative you take pictures. =Yeah and writers just put words together. =Superman was a photographer, No Spiderman =Didn't you see the movie? No. =It sucked. -Every religion has their own representee, christian jesus, jews moses, islam muhammed, scientology xenu

-God is a man not a woman, why, life is shitty, fathers want to toughen us up -i sleep because i like to dream, i dream because it's better -if you're not gracious with your generousity you're not generous at all?! -fubar -yippy kiya -there's an insane killer on the loose. aren't all killers insane? -he looks korean -frog in my salad, frenchman -I'm like king midas, except everything i touch turns into shit -stop amblin' around, that's why you fail, you're amblin' -wake up everyday to the same loser -you -give her a reach around -quasi-intellectual -why do people like the rolling stones? they suck. they're old. go home yah old british cronies. -TR only shows hands and feet, parts of his body -TR is invisible -Henry attacks William, thinks he’s crazy -Dancing with Mop, to romantic song -Head in freezer -TR calls again, Irish accent on the phone -Do you dream of a better world?