You Can't Talk About Sex In Church!

You Can’t Talk About Sex in Church!

CAN YOU?

Stephen L. Cervantes & Jonathan Daugherty

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You Can’t Talk About Sex In Church Copyright © 2003 Stephen L. Cervantes, P.A. All rights reserved. No part of this workbook may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system without written permission from Be Broken Ministries, Inc. Printed in the United States of America.

Published by: Be Broken Ministries, Inc. 18965 FM 2252, Suite 101 Garden Ridge, TX 78266 (210) 657.2396

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A letter to pastors and ministry leaders The culture is slipping into moral chaos. Pornography and promiscuity are flaunted regularly by the media. It is on the television, at the movies, on the Internet, and in popular magazines. More and more men are coming forward and admitting to a struggle in this area. These are Christian men. These men know their Bibles. These men know about prayer. These men attend church. But they struggle quietly and alone. We cannot afford to sit idly by watching man after man fall. We must take a stand. We must draw our line in the sand. We must be bold about what we stand for and who we are. We are Christian men. We are called to a higher standard. This short booklet contains insightful information to help you break the silence in your church. Men need a safe place to talk honestly about the real life struggles they face. The Church is meant to be that place. Are you ready to make a difference for the men in your church? Don’t be afraid. If you take the lead and make sex a topic for discussion within the men in your church, you will not stand alone. Countless men have been waiting for someone to talk to about their own struggle. Be bold. Be courageous. God is looking for such to lead His Church. Yours for purity, Stephen Cervantes & Jonathan Daugherty

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A Conversation with Church Men Isn’t it odd that a man can’t talk about the struggles of male sexuality in the church? We are all sexual beings. It is no secret. In fact, it was God’s idea to make us sexual beings in the first place. As a young man, I found the silence on this topic deafening. I always wondered why older Christian men never talked to younger men about the challenges of managing male sexuality. I wondered what the giant void meant. Why was it almost universally never discussed? Was this topic taboo? Maybe real “godly” men never had inappropriate thoughts or sexual struggles? Was I not supposed to be a sexual being at church or around church people? The only acceptable conclusion was to live a divided life. At church I was to dress nicely, talk readily, be friendly, visit with others, and look “Christian.” It was easy for a young man to conclude that God must not want His people to discuss the topic. Male preachers never talked about it. Male bible class teachers never mentioned it. Perhaps a male retreat speaker would lightly touch on the topic. Then that guy would leave town in a hurry. Every older man avoided the issue like the plague. This is when I discovered the “rule of church men.”

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The “Rule” for Almost Every Church Man The rule of church men goes like this: I will never ask you how you are doing at managing your sexual thought life and in return you agree to never ask me how I am doing. That’s it. It is a mutually protective agreement, quietly understood by every churched man. This unspoken agreement has influenced men in the pews for hundreds of years.

Why was this Rule Developed by Church Men? First, if any man talks about his sexual thought life he must admit failure. No one has 100% control of his thought life 100% of the time. All have sinned and fallen short. (Rom.3:23) Ninety-nine percent of all men qualify at some point as a sexual thought struggler. (Recognizing nothing is absolute, a provision is being made for the 1% exception – that we have yet to find)

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So, here are the sexual thought categories: 

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One percent (1%) club (never has any inappropriate sexual thought slips) Light struggler (rare but periodic thought slips) Moderate struggler (a definite battle, some success, some failures) Heavy struggler (a struggle that many times ends in loss of thought control) Addicted (regular loss of control)

Secondly, most of the women in the pew don’t want to know how difficult it is for a male to manage his sexual thought life. When you try to explain the male thought struggle to a Christian female you get winces, frowns, shock and disgust. So, men quickly learn to keep their thought struggle to themselves. Thirdly, admitting failure in a church setting is often like bleeding in a shark pool. The church can be hostile towards an individual disclosing personal struggles. Men’s thought struggles are one of the least understood and scariest areas to discuss. A recent incident occurred in a friend's living room. It was a “couple situation” when I brought up this topic. The husband looked at me with two looks. The first was that “deer in the headlights” look. He zoned out. It seems he was trying to be a hundred miles away from this conversation. The look was interrupted with a flash of anger. It was as if to say, “You are not going to force me to come out and openly discuss this topic in front of our wives are you?” Most men believe it is best to just leave this area alone completely. Unfortunately, not discussing this topic only leaves a man waist deep in ignorance, isolation and shame.

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Due to the void of information on the topic, the traditional perception within the church has been divided into two categories: 1. There are the sexually pure, always in control, 100% clean saints. 2. There are the sexually perverted, sexually out of control men. Shouldn’t we have another category? Let’s call the third category the…

We need a third group.

3. “Regular, godly, Christian, sexual men”

The Old Church View The old church view has been this: No man has a problem until he is caught or turned in by a spouse and reported to be out of control. The church male leadership assumes you are doing just fine. If you have a problem, you will handle it yourself and/or privately get it “fixed.” Often church programs assume no one needs any support in this area. Just leave it alone. All will be fine. All will be fine until we learn about men who are having affairs, or men who are being sexually inappropriate on the Internet, etc. All is fine until a wife finds her spouse’s secret porn stash or a man comes forward in church and confesses a secret addiction that has been quietly destroying him. The church is full of regular, godly, Christian sexual ministers who are doing their best to serve God and their congregations. We salute those men. Thank you for your sacrifices for Christ and His church. However, one older man shared with me this interesting insight. Perhaps one of the reasons this silence has persisted so long may be because some church leaders have their hand in the cookie jar or crumbs on their face. Just a thought…

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The Old Church Solution When a man was caught participating in inappropriate sexual activity, it would be handled in one of the following ways. a. b. c. d.

He would be told, “Stop it.” “We will pray for you.” “Just don’t think about it anymore.” He would be sent home, hearing as he leaves, “Don’t do it anymore!” e. The scolded man would hang his head, slowly walk away and repeat, “Never again, never again, I promise, never again.”

(We know embarrassment and fear are good motivators – short term. However, we also know they usually last only a few weeks and then the struggle starts to smolder again.) The standard Jesus set seems almost impossible. Still, every man is ordered daily to strive for 100% thought purity. The standard is the standard. There is no other standard. There is no watering it down. There is no other translation. It is not open to interpretation. With every battle, with every thought, with every fiber of your being, you are called to strive for sexual thought purity. Here is the scriptural command of Jesus to his followers. (Matt. 5:28) “Everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” The challenge left by Jesus is every man, every day, striving for thought purity. In other words, you practice eye and thought management from your morning prayers until the day ends and you say your good night prayers. - 10 -

The New Church View The new church view is that every man needs support. Every man needs an accountability partner. Every man is in a battle. The battle is struggling to hold on to God’s ordained thought purity one day at a time. Every man is now under heavy bombardment. Every man needs another man. Every man needs a place for accountability, openness and honesty. The culture is slipping towards Gomorrah. It is dragging many good men down with it.

The New Church Solution ¾ Sound the alarm. Pass the word. Take a stand against ignorance, isolation and shame. ¾ There is a battle raging for the minds and hearts of all men. ¾ Here is the plan. Move closer to our Heavenly Father, embracing the Son, inviting fellowship of the Holy Spirit to help. ¾ We are looking for a few good men, willing to commit to a personal sexual purity walk. ¾ Your first request will be to offer God 40 days of sexual thought purity. ¾ You will need two things: 1) A sexual purity battle plan, and 2) A trusted brother for accountability. If you find a Christian brother willing to make a similar commitment to purity you have the beginnings of a small group. ¾ Pray for wisdom. Note - The challenge you are about to embrace is a difficult one. You will be misunderstood, possibly even mocked by individuals inside and outside the church. My journey has been a six year journey of sounding the alarm. The first response is always one of shock and disbelief. Next comes resistance to change. I have experienced being called names. My response is always the same. Jesus took the stripes across His back and death on a cross for me. - 11 -

I will stand, taking verbal criticism thrown in my direction as my offering back to Him. I am living proof; the struggle is not an easy battle. It is not easy to turn over your private sexual thought playground. One man called it the “wonderland in my head.” However, God has been faithful. Purity is not an option. It is the pure in heart who will see God. (Matt. 5:8)

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Two Closing Thoughts The moral free fall our society is now experiencing does not surprise God. He has been watching cultures rise and fall since the beginning of time. The good news is God has quietly been putting men in place for such a time as this. He has everyone He needs. Some men are already working on sexual thought purity. Others are getting ready to join this effort. Here is the vision: It is time for those who have been quietly preparing, standing around embarrassed in the back, to step forward. It is time for those who are sick and tired of being divided to join them. It is now time for a small group in each church to take leadership in this area. Seize the day! You only have two choices: 1. Grab a brother, in an effort to embrace the battle & hear Heaven rejoice. OR 2. Quietly and compliantly slip and slide your way to Gomorrah. There is no safe middle ground. Indecision will quickly trap you in a quicksand of shifting sexual urges and impulses. It is only through submission to God’s plan that the pull of the flesh can be bridled. May God bless your efforts.

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Closing Verses of Encouragement When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. 1 Corinthians 13:11 (KJV) Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. Romans 12:1 (NAS) Thanks for taking time to read these comments. Stephen Cervantes, LPC

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Additional Helpful Resources There are 4 Pillars of Purity you must consider when starting your purity plan: 1. Profess the struggle. 2. Understand triggers. 3. Relate with God. 4. Engage others. For additional help in preparing your own sexual purity battle plan please consider the following resources: 40 Days of Purity Workbook by Stephen Cervantes & Jonathan Daugherty

A powerful resource workbook filled with information and practical applications to help you get off to a good start toward purity. This workbook is valuable whether you are a seasoned believer or struggling saint. Call 1.800.49.PURITY or visit www.bebroken.com. Beyond 40 Days by Stephen Cervantes & Jonathan Daugherty This resource is a great follow up to our original 40 Days of Purity workbook. It is filled with daily insights, purity tips, and biblical principles for maintaining a lifestyle of purity. Call 1.800.49.PURITY or visit www.bebroken.com.

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Understanding Shame: Breaking the Power of the Addictive Spiral by Jonathan Daugherty The "Understanding Shame" workbook provides the tools you need to break free from the trap of self-abusive thoughts. Use the workbook individually or in a group setting. Each chapter is followed up with thought provoking questions to help you dive deeper into understanding how shame is affecting your life - and how to live free from such negative effects. Call 1.800.49.PURITY or visit www.bebroken.com.

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