Three Faces Of Steve

Three Faces of Steve by R.A. Porter

R.A. Porter 3054 E. Capitan Dreyfus Ave. Phoenix, AZ 85032 916.813.9000

FADE IN: EXT. CHANNEL DRUGS - DAY Tree-lined Main St. USA with busy, well-kept sidewalks. Focus on CHANNEL DRUGS, the kind of family-run store struggling against the onslaught of Megamarts. INT. CHANNEL DRUGS - DAY The cozy store feels like grandma’s house. Little league team photos compete for space with crayon drawings. STEVEN ENGLISH, in his mid-20s with a mop of hair, flips items from hand to hand before shelving, rhythmically juggling. Owner-Pharmacist GERALD TRUDEAU, permanently smiling in his late 40s, walks up. GERALD Do you need to leave early? Steven continues his dextrous routine, careful to align the items perfectly once shelved. Steven?

GERALD (CONT’D)

Gerald taps Steven. Steven bobbles a box as he jumps. STEVEN Gerald, sorry. Didn’t hear you come up. What do you need? GERALD Just checking to see if you need to leave early. Early?

STEVEN

GERALD I’m sure you kids would have preferred going to a disco... He does a little dance move... GERALD (CONT’D) ...or one of your Hippy Hop shows, but Jean’s mom and I are tickled you’re spending her birthday with us. Confusion, shock, and finally memory hit Steven. (CONTINUED)

2. CONTINUED:

STEVEN Oh, yeah, it’s going to be great. Just a quiet dinner out-GERALD --In. Remember? Sylvia’s making her famous pot roast. It’s Jeannie’s favorite. STEVEN Right, dinner in. Of course I remember! How could I forget my girlfriend’s birthday? I mean, what we’re eating for my girlfriend’s birthday. (beat) You know, I could use a little time. To uh, get a hair cut. For the party. Do you mind? GERALD Alrighty-ho. I can mind the store while you’re gone. I’ll see you at six-thirty. INT. CAR - DAY Steven alone, drives aggressively. He’s forgotten Jean’s birthday and has four hours to get a present. STEVEN (to himself) Crap! Crap, crap, crapity-He swerves suddenly and lays on his horn. STEVEN (CONT’D) --learn how to drive, you moron! Reveal THE PROFESSOR in the PREVIOUSLY EMPTY passenger seat. Dressed identically to Steven, but crisper and neater, his carefully combed hair silver at the temples. He could be Steven’s 50-something brother. THE PROFESSOR Your windows are rolled up. STEVEN I know that, it’s cold out. Why? THE PROFESSOR They can’t hear you yell with your windows rolled up. (CONTINUED)

3. CONTINUED:

STEVEN But I can hear me. And it feels better. THE PROFESSOR That makes absolutely no sense. You need to start acting more like an adult, my boy. Screaming at other drivers, racing about like a maniac, forgetting your girlfriend’s birthday...it’s just not what a man does. STEVEN I know, I know. I can’t believe it. Especially after Valentine’s Day. INT. STEVEN’S APT., LIVING ROOM - NIGHT - FLASHBACK JEAN and Steven sit on a couch. In her mid-20s, tall, and too pretty for Steven, she holds a ceramic greyhound at arm’s length with a look of disgust. STEVEN Your dad’s allergic, so I figured you could have this one until you move out. Then we could pick out a puppy you like. Jean stares first at the ceramic dog, then Steven. BACK TO: INT. CAR - DAY A mysterious seat swap. The Professor drives with hands at 10 and 2, periodically checking his mirrors, the epitome of a driving instructor. STEVEN Why are we going so slow? Dinner’s in less than four hours. THE PROFESSOR Police car, three cars back. That’s why you gave me the wheel, remember? Just hurry.

STEVEN

4.

EXT. MALL - DAY Just your typical suburban mecca to the wonders of foot massagers, cinnamon rolls, and scented candles. INT. MALL, LINGERIE STORE - DAY Only slightly less skanky than Frederick’s, items of questionable taste and strategic holes line the aisles. A SALESGIRL helps Steven. The Professor beams disapproval. SALESGIRL And this is one of our most popular pieces... She holds up a sheer, fur-trimmed, black speck of cloth. SALESGIRL (CONT’D) ...especially with the young men who come in here. What size is your girlfriend? Salesgirl freezes. THE PROFESSOR You can not be serious about this. STEVEN I don’t know. I kind of like it. Steven touches the material. THE PROFESSOR Whose birthday is this you’re celebrating? Jean’s or yours? STEVEN What do you mean? THE PROFESSOR You’ve seen Jean’s underwear. Does that look anything like what she wears? STEVEN But this is different. It’s special. THE PROFESSOR Would you wear it? STEVEN (laughing) Of course not. (MORE)

(CONTINUED)

5. CONTINUED:

STEVEN (CONT'D) It’d be all pinchy in all the worst places. It’s too small.

He spins it around to reveal the thong side. THE PROFESSOR But if it were bigger? Steven lifts the lingerie up so the thong is right in front of his face. INT. DENTIST OFFICE - NIGHT - FANTASY Steven’s FISHEYE POV in the dentist’s chair. Gerald, as a dentist with a German accent, wears a head mirror and white coat. Jean wears CANDY STRIPES as his bubble-headed dental assistant. They both lean in close. GERALD You see that puffiness and bleeding, Miss Vitalis? JEAN (snapping gum) I do, Doctor Szell. GERALD That’s because someone doesn’t take good care of his gums. You know what to do, Ginger. Jean, as Assistant Ginger, leans in to the camera holding FLOSS like a garotte. BACK TO: INT. MALL, LINGERIE STORE - DAY SALESGIRL Shall I wrap it for you? STEVEN (dejected) No thank you. INT. MALL, FOOD COURT - DAY Steven and The Professor wait at a pickup counter. No one notices as they talk quietly.

(CONTINUED)

6. CONTINUED:

STEVEN Alright, lingerie’s out. What else? THE PROFESSOR Maybe you should ask yourself what Jean would like. You’ve been dating for two years, been friends your whole life. You can do this. Well...

STEVEN

A GIRL in CANDY STRIPES places a CUP on the counter. Steven gives her uniform a double take, then picks up the cup and joins The Professor at a table. THE PROFESSOR You can do better than that. Something personal. STEVEN When she was 12, she had a huge crush on Macauley Culkin. Joined a fan club, wrote him a letter, and everything. She got an autographed picture back and kept it on her nightstand. Maybe there’s a poster store in here? Silent stare from The Professor. Right. Not 12.

STEVEN (CONT’D)

The two men, real and imaginary, bend their heads over the table and share the drink like teenyboppers. THE PROFESSOR What does she like? STEVEN Um, she likes chemistry okay. And math. THE PROFESSOR (dubious) Chemistry and math? STEVEN She’s studying to be a pharmacist. She’d better like chemistry and math.

7.

INT. BABYLON GAME - DAY Chess sets share space with hunting knives. Death Star model kits sit by bongs. Steven and The Professor inspect a microscope near the entrance. The manager, in his 40s and wearing a long brown duster, rushes over. NERDY MANAGER Sir. Welcome to Babylon Game! It’s a port of call, home away from home for nerds, geeks, gamers, and stoners. A dream given form. It can be a dangerous place, but it’s our last best hope for peace. Steven and The Professor stare, gape-jawed. NERDY MANAGER (CONT’D) I’m Commander Stepkowski. Welcome aboard! Steven and The Professor smile and back out the door. INT. MALL - DAY Steven shambles like a zombie hungry for human brains. He spots a SEARS and stumbles toward it. At the entrance, The Professor grabs his shoulders and spins him to safety. He guides him to a bench. STEVEN You’re right. I don’t know Jeannie at all. THE PROFESSOR Steven, that’s not the point I was trying to make, although you have made it rather forcefully this afternoon. I want you to think, very carefully, about who Jean is and what she cares about. What do you think she’d really want? That’s the only way to get her something she wants, by caring enough to know what she cares about I...I give up.

STEVEN

The two sit dejected. KELLY JANSEN walks by, notices Steven, thinks long and hard, and finally doubles back. Steven and The Professor remain seated. (CONTINUED)

8. CONTINUED:

Steven? Kelly?

KELLY STEVEN

In her late 20s and again: far too pretty for our hero. KELLY Long time. What’s it been, two years? Almost three.

STEVEN

KELLY You look like you just lost your best friend. STEVEN Not yet. (off her look) It’s my girlfriend’s birthday and I have no idea what to get her. KELLY Yeah, you suck at presents. STEVEN I used to be better. KELLY No. You weren’t. You gave me a lizard. STEVEN Two lizards. Remember? The first one died. KELLY I opened the window and turned off the heat. STEVEN You killed him? KELLY It’s not my fault they’re coldblooded. But you just got me another one, and I felt bad, so now I’m stuck with a two-foot long iguana. Steven holds his hands apart about nine inches. (CONTINUED)

9. CONTINUED: (2)

STEVEN He was only this big. KELLY Yeah, they grow, Steven. And they live a long, long time. So thanks. STEVEN I wanted to get you a cat, but you were living in the dorms and-KELLY --Look, I’ve got to get going. It was great seeing you. STEVEN So you really never liked anything I gave you? No.

KELLY

(off his look) But I liked you, so I put up with your bad gifts for a while. Your girlfriend will too. How long have you been together? Two years.

STEVEN

KELLY Oh. Well. I’ve got to go. Kelly walks off. The Professor picks up a free Weekly Paper left on the end of the bench and flips through it. STEVEN Maybe I could just pretend I have chickenpox. THE PROFESSOR You tried that last year. Steven’s head hangs lower while The Professor keeps flipping pages. He stops and reads. Gets a bemused look. Gets a thoughtful look. Then he asks... THE PROFESSOR (CONT’D) What do you think about this? Shows the paper to Steven...

(CONTINUED)

10. CONTINUED: (3)

STEVEN You’re kidding, right? THE PROFESSOR No. Not at all. You can’t get much more personal than that. Besides, think of all those nights when you’re working late at the store. STEVEN Well, I guess we could-THE PROFESSOR --There isn’t much time. STEVEN Alright, I’ll try anything. INT. STEVEN’S APT., DINING ROOM - NIGHT CANDLES glowing on a CAKE provide the only light. SYLVIA, a timeless beauty in her late 40s, joins Gerald and the kids. She stands by the LIGHT SWITCH. Gerald has a CAMERA at the ready. Jean leans in, closes her eyes... STEVEN, GERALD, SYLVIA (singing) ...Happy Birthday to You! ...and blows out the candles. Gerald snaps away, Sylvia flips on the lights, and Steven steps up to slice. SYLVIA Jean, you should cut the first piece, it’s good luck. Steven hands the KNIFE to Jean who cuts herself a gigantic slab of cake. GERALD Are you eating for two, dear? Everyone stares at Gerald. GERALD (CONT’D) What? Oh! Heh! I just meant it’s such a large piece of cake not that Steven had put a baby in my little Jeannie-Beanie’s belly! Dad!

JEAN

(CONTINUED)

11. CONTINUED:

SYLVIA Gerald, maybe you should take some more pictures, you think? Gerald snaps away like a fashion photographer. GERALD Alright you two. Get closer. Now smile big. Steven, your hair looks terrific, by the way. Confused looks from Jean and Sylvia. GERALD (CONT’D) You’re stars, you’re on the red carpet. That’s it. Make love to the camera. Everyone stops and stares again. SYLVIA Gerald, dear. Why don’t you go get the coffee? GERALD Oh boy, I did it again, there, didn’t I. SYLVIA Yes dear. The coffee. Gerald exits to the kitchen. Steven cuts and plates three more slices of cake, not as big as Jean’s. SYLVIA (CONT’D) How’s school going? JEAN Good. Hard, but good. I think once I get through this semester I’ll be able to breathe again. STEVEN Jean’s got two labs plus calc. This is the first time I’ve seen her for dinner since August. SYLVIA I remember when Gerald was working on his degree. We went three weeks one time without...dinner, too. Mom!

JEAN

(CONTINUED)

12. CONTINUED: (2)

Gerald comes back carrying a tray like a pro. With a flourish, he puts it on the table. GERALD Four cups of steamin’ hot joe. Gerald gets a CRUDELY WRAPPED PACKAGE from the sideboard. GERALD (CONT’D) But first it’s present time! Steven has second, third, and fourth thoughts. STEVEN Maybe you should start with another-Steven’s mouth stops working. All sound stops except the amplified sound of Jean unwrapping. She opens the box and looks in with abject terror. Arc of the Covenant terror. INT. STEVEN’S APT., DINING ROOM - NIGHT Steven and Jean alone, the cake and coffee exactly where they were in the previous scene. Jean has not moved. STEVEN I thought you’d like it. JEAN How could...are you crazy? What would make you think I'd want...that? And in front of my parents?!? STEVEN Yeah, I probably should have thought through that part a bit more. But I don't know. You're...it's just that-They freeze. The Professor comes up behind Steven’s right shoulder. Again dressed like Steven, only neater. THE PROFESSOR It's just that you're a difficult person for whom to shop. Jean remains frozen. Steven turns. STEVEN “For whom to shop?" Are you fucking kidding me? (CONTINUED)

13. CONTINUED:

THE PROFESSOR There is no wrong time for good grammar. Jean unfreezes. STEVEN --You’re a hard person to shop for. JEAN Hard? Hard how? Look around the apartment, Steven. Look over there on the counter. What do you see? STEVEN A pile of magazines? JEAN Catalogs. They're catalogs. With pages conveniently folded so you can see what I like. Trust me when I tell you not one of those catalogs has anything like...that. THE PROFESSOR She has a point. STEVEN (glares at The Professor) But Jeannie, If I just get you something from one of those, it's like I put no thought in it at all. You might as well just take a card from my wallet and order it yourself. Besides, I...I didn’t realize they were catalogs. Jean freezes. A new double appears dressed like Steven and The Professor but unkempt with pants hanging mid-ass. THE PUNK is 13 or 14 years old at most. THE PUNK Bro, tell her how long it took! Not now.

STEVEN

THE PUNK Tell her, man. An hour, just standing there with that stuff slathered on.

(CONTINUED)

14. CONTINUED: (2)

STEVEN I wish I was somewhere else. THE PROFESSOR Were somewhere else. You wish you were somewhere else. THE PUNK Nice hair, grandpa. You put Crisco in that? Get a job!

THE PROFESSOR

Jean unfreezes. JEAN You know I don't...do that. Why would you buy me a dildo? STEVEN That’s just it! It's not a dildo! It's an exact replica of me! What?

JEAN

THE PUNK Tell her about the latex! JEAN What are you talking about? STEVEN Intimate Expressions - the sex shop by the Greyhound Station they have this new thing where they take casts of-JEAN --So now you're hanging out at sex shops?!? The Professor and The Punk both take one large step backwards. STEVEN Just the one. I mean, no! I saw an ad in the Free Press, is all. I swear. And you always say how much you miss me up at school-JEAN --So you thought you could give me a rubber-(CONTINUED)

15. CONTINUED: (3)

--latex. Latex--

THE PUNK STEVEN

JEAN --latex version of your dick and that'd be alright? That's what you thought I meant when I said I missed you? STEVEN I just wanted-THE PROFESSOR --I just wanted, finally, to give you some memento to remind you of me. STEVEN Seriously! Who talks like that? THE PUNK Tell her about the hot chick who took the mold! STEVEN Guys, really, I think I've got this. Thanks for all your help. (beat) I just wanted to finally give you something special. I screwed up. Again. I'm sorry. Here, I'll throw it out. Steven extends his hand. Everyone freezes. A woman who looks and is dressed like Jean, but older and less hung up about buttoning, comes up behind Jean. She holds out her hand. THE COUGAR Oh hell no! If you're not going to use it, then give it to me! FADE TO BLACK.