The Shattering

,

I

I

light i

Jim Kirk's eyes were soft, catching a flicker now and then from the dim in his quarters. He sat quietly, thinking, as the strains of his favor-

ite classical

music played in the background.

Just loud enough to ease his

"nerves, letting him relax from a so-so shift on the bridge. Enterprise was bound fot;' the system K-ming near the edge of the Spiral to do some routine exploration and investigation. The Fleet was curious about the bio-systems of the three planets said to revolve around that ~tar. He sighed. Even at warp speed, this had been a long journey and he was glad. It was almost three months, ship time, since the near-tragedy in the Minara system. The alien

Vians had tortured

"Itls me, Jim."

McCoy's voice sounded muffled at first,

"You 'bout ready for the vi ewing? joining us." '11No k i dd i ng. .

v

>'

I

I

him and nearly killed McCoy. And after that - well - he'd

had enough adventure for a while. The music stopped. He straightened in his chair and looked about in the semi-darkness, only half-remembering what it was he'd been doing at his desk. Then he smiled and once again flicked on his recorder. Suddenly, the buzz of his deskcommsounded. With an irritated slap, he switched off the recorder once again and released his commfrom "privacy" to' . "voice." "Yes?" he said, not trying to hide his frustration. .

I

.

.

I

I-

I

then cleared.

Bel i eve it or not I talked Mr. Spock into I

II

. "Yep. Think he got curious when I told him it was an ancient Terran science fi1m." "Bones," Kirk moaned. "Well? I knew that'd catch him. You and I both know he's a closet Earth history buff. II Kirk grinned broadly. It was no use. When it came to Spock, Dr. Leonard McCoywould always be a naughty little kid trying to tease big brother. "But Bones," Kirk said as sternly as he could manage. "2001: A Space Odyssey is fiction. Science fiction." "So? It's still a c1assic." McCoy's voice muffled again and Kirk realized he was probably dressing and talking at the same time. Poor Bones, Kirk thought. Always rushing lately, like he's trying to get away before someone locks the door. "C1assic or not, II Kirk insisted, "he'll walk out in the first five minutes when he discovers you've p~lled one over on him." Kirk leaned back in the darkness, amused at the silence that came from hi s comm. Hecou1d almost hear McCoy's most wicked thoughts cl icking aloud. "Think so?" the doctor said at last. He sounded genuinely thoughtful. "Think I blew it?" IWel1..." Kirk's smile faded unconsciously as he leaned towards his desk comm. For a sp1 it second he thought he sensed something "off" in McCoy's voice, but he dismissed it as he replied. "I wouldn't count on Spock's sitting through the whole thing." "Well." McCoywas nevertheless happy with his trickery. "At least it'll get him away from that damn computer for a while. Do him some good, don't you think?" "Umm...yes. II

I

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114

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That seemed to be enough for McCoy. uSee ya in about five minutes, then? In Rec?" uFive minutes," Kirk agreed. He flicked off the command tried once again to finish recording his personal log. He was updating it, actually, trying to fill in gaps that had been overlooked. Personal diaries were not his strong point, but Fleet had required that he, along with the other Enterprise officers, keep some kind of personal record of their feelings, experiences during the five-year mission. He often let this duty go too long and had to do "make up work" to get it back: in shape, but this time, he'd let it go a bit too long. At least the part about the Vians and Minara. He'd been avoiding it. And he knew that, in itself, could be a very dangerous thing in this case. Minara hadn't been just another adventure to him. It had been the single longest nightmare of his mission. He took a good deal of time to think before speaking agai.n into the recorder. It was hard to remember just where he'd left off. "Maybe...maybe I could have done something to avoid...11 He took a long breath and tried again~IIThe Vians are highly intelligent beings, as I've said before. As a matter of fact, it seems to me that I repeat that a lot. Am I trying to convince myself of something? What they did, they did. And they did it for reasons...from a perspective that is not human. It's...I... it's hard for us to understand. For me to understand. Bones was...well, they tore him up. It makes me very, very angry when I think about that.1I He stopped and leaned back, his fists tightening on his knees. "I think it was a shock to both Mr. Spock and myself to see Bones that way. The Vians had him for such a long time before we finally got to him, and then we found him ha.nging there like that...!...11 He slowly unclenched his fists and rubbed sweat from his palms. It always worked this way, every time he tried recounting Minara. He wondered how McCoyhandled it. "Bones doesn't speak of it, but sometimes I could swear...I don't know...that I see something in his I mean, what h~'went through... eyes, or pick up something in his voice. Howdoes a man's memory deal with a thing like that?1I He felt a sudden chill in the darkness and, looking at the time, flipped off the recorder. There was all the time in the world to take care of the damned log, and he'd be late for the film. For a moment he thought of checking with Spock to see he was really joining them, but then dismissed it. With Spock, a promise was a promise. Held be there. Evidently, as far as the very sophisticated Mr. Spock was concerned, the movie wasn't bad. Every once in a while Kirk stole a glimpse of him in the darkened rec showing room. He was amused, and more than a little pleased, to see that the Vulcan was entranced by the story. It would be interesting to hear what Spock made of it all afterward. McCoywas watching him, too, and nudged Kirk once, wondering if Spock saw something in the film he didn't. IIWhatdo ya think, Jim?1I McCoywhispered. IIDoes Spock identify with Dr. Floyd or the monolith?1I But as time spun on, the entire audience became caught up in the grand mystery of the story, captured by its uncanny ability to speak the thoughts of man in color and light. Even McCoysat glued to his seat during the final scenes. In fact, Kirk noticed that the doctor had become more wrapped up in the film than Spock. He sat back in his seat, his hands clasped tightly on the arms of the chair, his face motionless. It was as if he was unconsciously mimicking the main character, whose body and soul were being catapulted through another dimension of time/space to become a new kind of man. ..

115

. So it came as a surprise to Kirk to find McCoymissing when the lights came on aga in. "Damn," Kirk said to Spock as they walked out into the main Rec room. "Bones must "have been called away at the last of it. You'd think they could run Sickbay a couple of hours without him." The Vulcan shook his head, looking around the crowded room. "I saw him leave, Captain. It was only minutes ago, and since I saw no one approach him with a message, I doubt " "Captain Kirk, please respond to bridge communications." It was Uhura'"s voice, paging in her business-as-usual tone, a psychological message to Kirk that all was well and he was probably needed for some mundane problem. He turned away from Spock in search of the nearest comm. "1111 be back in a minute. I asked Uhura to let me know as soon as the Final Orders for our mission came through. II

.

.

.

.

.

.

116

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Spock stood alone in the milling crowd. He was relieved, in fact, that Kirk had been called away, as he sought to find the doctor alone for a few minutes. He knew where he was. He'd seen two amorous-looking ensigns duck into one of the privacy rooms behind Kirk, then dash out quickly. They'd before they went on. It was talked between themselves a moment, hesitating logical to assume, the Vulcan thought, that the room was occupied - and by someone who did not want to be disturbed. He walked to the closed door and stopped; McCoyhad been in a high mood this evening, but keyed up. Spock prepared himself to be assaulted with a few harsh words, as no doubt the young couple had been. He signaled his presence, but did not wait for permission to ente r . The tiny cabin was dark except for the stars that scooted by on the window viewer, but Spock could see McCoy's form silhouetted in the milky light. He sat, elbows on his knees, staring into the swirling eternal light. Spock let the door close behind him. "Beautiful, isn't it, Spock." McCoydidn't look up, but he turned his back ever-so-slightly away from the Vu1ca. It was the kind of body language that Spock understood, for it was Vulcan as well as human. It meant 'do not

come too near . I

Spock looked out into the collage of time and space, choosing his words carefully. He sensed that now was not the time to encourage the debate over Vulcan interpretation of beauty. "I have always found itoo.compelling." "And lonely," McCoywhispered, as if to himself. He finally looked bac~ at the Vulcan, the embarrassment in his face barely hidden in the swirling starlight. "I slipped out on you two. I'm sorry; guess I just couldn't sit any longer. Didn't see any need to wait for all the credits to roll." "The captain thinks you're in Sickbay." Spock kept his face to the screen, but moved in closer. "I find the credits interesting, Doctor. In an historic sense. II McCoysl umped a bit and turned hi s face to the stars as well. "They're all dead, Spock. For centuries. It makes you wonder...if it's worth it." "It is good to know the names of those with whomyou share an experience." "But still ..." McCoy's voice caught; he gave a hushed sigh and fell silent. For the first time since Minara, Spock felt a discomfort in being so near humankind. He closed his eyes in the darkness, recalling the pain and smell of death. He had touched McCoythen to help him sleep, to help him die. And the healer Gemhad touched him to help him live. Her superhuman compassion had privately shaken Spock, as had McCoy's courage. And now something about McCoy's manner, about this tiny dark room and the spreading vastness of the stars, made Spock relive it all for a brief, vivid moment. There had been no logic to Minara, and yet a great truth had come of it. Why, Spock wondered, have I not thanked him. --"You'd think," McCoysaid at last, "that after all this time, lid be over it." Spock tensed, his fists tightening unconsciously behind his back. He knew he was not ready - or willing - to speak of Minara, though he had often wondered about

McCoy's long hours

of painful

loneliness.

It would have been

difficult for a Vulcan to bear. Nowthat it appeared that McCoywas finally going to speak of it, it was all Spock could do to keep from stepping away. "I mean," McCoywent on, "after all these years as a physician, all this time in space..." He glanced back at Spock. The Vulcan could see in the

117

\ I I

\

I~

starlight that his face was more relaxed.

~t: vr

"Shoot, Spock...how long have we

been out here now?" "Four years." "Yeah. And after four years in space and well over a decade of Earth and Space medical experience besides, you'd think I'd just face it. People die." "But in their due time," Spock said. He dropped his arms to his side, relaxed. McCoywas not speaking of the Vians...or Minara. "But still," McCoywhispered again. He stood and looked once more to the stars. "Who is to judge." Spock did not answer, because he knew the question was not intended for him. It was McCoy's own, almost internally spoken. The doctor's mood was peculiar, as though he thought of himself as completely alone at this instant, drifting with the stars he watched in the silent solitude of space. Spock sensed that McCoy's separateness was too great for a. human. He searched for a way to close in on it, even considering the mind touch for the moment and dismissing it. It would be inappropriate; McCoywould reject it in a typical bout of anger. But even without touching McCoy, he had a sense of what was wrong. And despite all his Vulcan strength and commandof emotion, he knew he was afraid. "I doubt that Captain Kirk has been called back to the bridge," he said fi na11y. "Would you have di nner?" McCoystared trance-like at the screen. "Doctor," Spoc~ repeated, "would you care for dinner?" "Huh?" McCoyturned and smile apologetically. "You two go ahead. Maybe I'll bump into you 'in the mess." There was no doubt about it; in his own gentle Terran way, Dr. McCoyhad asked Spock to leave. The Vulcan nodded and stepped to the door, hesitating as it opened to the noise and light of the Rec. As one who often sought solitude himself, he understood McCoy's mood, although he was not certain it was healthy in this case. nOh, Mr. Spock," a young voice called from beyond. "The captain's looking for you! He has a " Spock stepped out and closed McCoyinto the darkness once more. The doctor blinked away the sting of the sudden light and went back to his seat. He let out a deep breath, like an answer to a prayer, and rubbed his palms against his arms. Thank God, he thought. He looked down at his fingers and flexed the tense muscles. Spock didn't know. They didn't tell anyone, then. It's okay, it's okay. He leaned back and closed his eyes. They were still burning from the tears. He wondered if he'd hear about it later, though. Wondered if the young couple that had surprised him before Spock came in would eventually report to someone that they'd found the ship's chief surgeon sitting alone in the darkness, sobbing and shaking helplessly like some child who'd just seen a ghost. "Damn," he whispered hoarsely. It was the third time it had happened. And it always came on him completely by surprise. This time held been able to disguise it, but what if it happened again. Someplace where he couldn't hide? Howwould his captain react if his chief medical officer broke out in sobs in the middle of an officers' briefing? "It's all right," he whispered to himself. "I can handle it, it won't happen again. I won't let it." He promised himself to talk to Dr. M'Benga soon, especially if it didn't

118

clear ,up. But what would they talk about?

He didn't know what was wrong, He laughed the darkness. Hell, he'd sur.vivedthe Vians. He'd come out of that goddamn miracle and everbody loved him for it, treating him like some hero. He was fine, all right, and he promised himself that it was thing. It would be okay. He had everything,under control.

everythingseemed okay. His job, friends - it was all just fine. softly in like some space-age a passing

Jim Kirk had never seen anything like it. He smiled - well, maybe he had, but for him there was always a new exhiliration in planet discovery. And the good ship Enterprise had indeed discovered this particular planet, a fourth and previously uncharted body of ancient molten rock that orbited the sun K-ming. About the size of Earth's natural moon, Spock assured Kirk that it

had

once

been

a promising

home

for

organic

life

forms

-

while

its

sun

had

still been at its greatest powers. But all things change. It looked 1 ike this planet died biologically before it got much further than the one-celled stage. Kirk was enjoying it, however, for its present, glassy-like molten beauty. He had wandered with

Lt. Bering from Geology into a huge, open-mouthed cave. He stood now, watching the large red sun come up from below the blue rock ridges beyond the mouth. "Guess there's not much here to see, Captain," the lieutenant said. She adjusted the vocal on her protective suit when her captain didn't respond. "Sir?" Shall we join the others?" Kirk could barely resist a wink. Bering was cute. Humm. He wondered how she looked on her old thirty-nine going on eighty commanding officer. Maybe sometime he'd. take the time to chat with her, see what goes on in the twenty-ish minds of today. And maybe more. But for now he just turned his heavily suited head back and forth. "You go. I'll be out in a minute. Just want to " He could see through her visor that there was a bit of irritated puzzlement on her face. Dare he say it? Hell" yes, he was commander. "...enjoy this a bit longer. Tell our science officer I'll be along shortly." She nodded and stepped out into the rising velvet daylight. And Kirk imagined he could tell by her step that she thought she'd never understand what the old spacer could see in such a textbook sight as this. But he grinned to himself and slipped comfortably down to the ground. She'd understand someday. 'He remembered from his first years in space. At first it seemed that everything was very scientific and charted out, so that even the new things weren't new because some bright mind had already anticipated them somewhere. Then, as time passes, it simply occurs to you that nothing is as they think it will be; everything is fresh, challenging, undiscovered. But most of all this place was peaceful. Untouched by man for millenia. Forever, until this moment. The burning sun climbed higher DQW, its rays brilliant pink i~ the sky, flitting like fine thread laser beams across the glassy cavern floor. Kirk wished McCoy had come along, and decided to

schedule him for the next landing team. One of the first things - first surprising things - he had learned about McCoy wh~n he grew to know him was that the physician had an astonishing eye for detecting the beauty in alien worlds and landscapes. Kirk hadn't expected to find that quality in a man who was so completely "earthbound." But then, that was before Kirk had grown

to realize that as much as any man on the Enterprise, explorer.

Leonard

McCoy

was an

Despite his facade of "dQwn home medicine," McCoy was aggressively

119

eager to "learn the un1earnab1e." In fact, it worried Kirk that McCoyhad been so immersed in his latest research .project that he seemed to be ignoring his own personal needs more than usual. He'd seemed to be coming out of it lately, however, and ship's gossip had it that he'd even picked up again his relationship with Lt. Devoni from Engineering. They'd been going hot and heavy (so word had it) until just before Minara. He hoped the gossip was true, although he hadn't seen McCoywith her himself. But at least he'd seemed in good spirits the other night, Kirk thought. That is, until he'd skipped out on us. Never did find out if he'd gone back to Sickbay. Hmm...the lieutenant? There was a.friend1y tickling buzz in his headgear, and then Spock's voice came over vocal. Would the captain be joining the landing party some time soon? Kirk gave a sigh and got to his feet with a shrug. Count on good 01' Spock to make sure the captain isn't loafing on the job. By~he time the captain had finished with the landing debriefing and completed his official ship's log, he'd been technically off-duty for an hour and thirty-five minutes. Not bad for the first day of a new research mission, but he'd also missed lunch, and that left him famished. After closing off his log, he headed straight for the officers' mess. To his surprise, Spock was already there, a bowl of soup in front of him, a technical tape humming away as he ate. Kirk didn't even take time to say hello before he collected himself a steak dinner and settled across from the Vulcan. In what seemed to Kirk to be a miraculous condescension to familiarity, Spock looked up from his tape.

."Good eveni ng, Captain."

.

"Interesting reading?" Kirk said before his first bite. Sometimes he wondered if Spock equated a non-studying mind with a non-functioning one. Nevertheless, he smiled genuinely. Spock had been keeping to himself quite a bit lately, too, and he had just made a grand gesture of friendliness. "Quite frankly, no, Captain," Spock answered as he flicked off the tape. "Mathematics, while a precise science, requires some imagination to function on the theoretical level." "Your author lacks imagination?" The Vulcan nodded and .100ked down at his soup. "Well," Kirk said through a bite. "Maybe next time you'll find something with a little more pizzazz." Spock's only response was a raise of an eyebrow. Kirk thought better of making any more wisecracks, but he was curious about his friend's obvious flirtation with those things generally considered human. Not that Spock seemed "off" - the Vulcan had mellowed considerably but Kirk knew him well enough to know that he tended since the ear1y.days to show his human side most when he was preoccupied with something. And he could see that he had before him right now a very preoccupied Vulcan. "You seemed to find the landing mission interesting enough," Kirk said matter-of-factly, "but if you're working on something more difficult, I don't see any need for you to personally involve yourself with the research mission. At least, not for the next couple of weeks." "Thank you, Captain. I will consider that." Exasperated, the captain leaned forward. "A problem, Mr. Spock?" At last the Vulcan looked up, his eyes searching the room to confirm that it was empty. Despite the tightness of his expression, he did not seem to consider the captain's question to be forward. Determined, Kirk took another bite of steak and waited, eye to eye with his first officer. ..

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120

Spock took a breath and began. liAs you know~ Captain~ as head of sciences for the ship~ I am Doctor McCoy's immediate superior." Kirk nodded~ resisting the urge to smile. It was a touchy point with McCoy~and seldom alluded to in conversation between the three of them. There may have been professional clashes between McCoyand Spock, but Kirk had never been advised of them. He felt a mild tightening in his stomach. If the Vulcan was having some kind of trouble with the CMOthat he felt needed the captain's attention~ then it must be of grand proportion. Kirk wasn't sure he wanted to hear. He was tired. "In the past three weeks~" Spock went on~ "his weekly reports have been

late three times.

II

The captain couldn't resist a little chuckle as he eased back in his chair. "So what's the worry, Spock? Bones has never enjoyed a reputation for time-tabl e effi ci ency. II He tri ed to look concerned ~ seei ng that Spock' s attitude only darkened. "His work is up to snuff~ isn't it?" "Indeed. In fact, that is partly what worries me. His work on Fabrini biochemical theoretics is brilliant." This time it was Kirk who raised an eyebrow. What the hell was Spock getting at? That should come as no surprise to him. The Vulcan had taught McCoythe Fabrini language himself to prepare him for the research~ and had marveled privately with Kirk about how quickly McCoyhad learned the language for the sake of his research. He knew how intense McCoycould be. "I'm sorry~ Mr. Spock~" he said. "I don't follow you. McCoyis doing excellent work?" "Surpassingly so." The captain only became more puzzled. "And you're disturbed because of the tardi ness of hi s weekly reports?" "Not

precisely.

II

Kirk sighed, picked up his fork and played the tips against his palm. Dead end conversations annoyed him~ and with Spock they infuriated him. But the look in his friend's eyes was one of deep concern. He would play this out carefully~ be patient. Spock was onto something that was quite obviously painful for him.

"Fasci nati ng, II Spock whispered, 1ooking down at hi s soup.

II

It would seem~

Captain~ that I am having trouble articulating my concern." Careful now, Kirk thought. Youhave the fawn in sight; don't scare it off. "Could it be~" he asked~ "that your concern is not on a professional level? Or even a Vulcan one?" Spock looked up slowly~ and Kirk was certain he saw a touch of thanks in those dark~ mysterious eyes. "It may indeed be a human concern~ Jim." Kirk didn't even blink. "You want me to talk to him?" "His orderly was in here before you joined me," Spock explained. "Gathering the doctor's meal. Evidently~ he's still on that special diet... the one they put him on after Minara. He's taking supper in the lab~ as I understand it~ and I gathered from the orderly that he's been sleeping there

as well. II

Kirk's expression fell. "What the hell has Dr. M'Benga been doing? Has he kept you up on McCoy's physical and psychological status?" "He has. Aside from some very mild stomach trouble~ the doctor is technically in excellent health." "Technically." Kirk stabbed the fork into the cold steak. "But you're not so sure. ..

121

It

The Vulcan said nothing, which was a sure indication to Kirk that there was a great deal more to it. He suspected by the controlled tension in Spockls voice that somehow he had picked up something with that alien sixth sense of his. McCoywould have called it "intuition." As far as Kirk was concerned, Spock's inability to explain himselfmore precisely was quite in order. He was experiencing something primarily human. He had a "feeling." He pushed away from the table. "Pve got some work to do, then 1111 talk to him, Spock." He smiled in response to the Vulcan' s most obvious worry. III wonIt 1et him know about our little conversation here. Besides, he slipped out on us the other night after

that film.

live got a bone to pick with him about that.

II

Leonard McCoyhad learned years before that for him there was no place where he was more alone or more happy than in a medical lab. He knew he had a mind for research that was nearly as astute and precise as his surgeon's hands. And he could turn to medicine the way some men could turn to drink. For escape. For solace from the burdens that were too much. On evenings like this, he wondered if it was a vicious circle. Was he afraid to be really happy, for the fact that it might lessen his need to work? And if held lead a happier life, would all his scientific accomplishments gone undone? No matter, he was in the lab now, immersed in work. Content. Without looking, he took up the glass of milk from the tray and sipped it, nearly spitting it out jn surprise. Chocolate! Obviously one of MIBenga's sly little tricks to put on weight. He put it back and turned to go get some water from the sink. "Something wrong with your supper, Doctor?" Orderly Black stood behind him, arms across his chest, smiling broadly. Black was newly assigned to him, courtesy of Christine Chapel IS scheduling genius. McCoyliked the man for two reasons: held made it clear that he wanted to work closely with the chief surgeon regardless of the hours required, and he also had a reputation for not kissing ass. "Doctor M'Benga really insists that you eat that, sir," the young man explained politely. "I 1msupposed to take the empty tray back for yoU." "You might be here all night in that case," McCoysaid gruffly. "Not at all, sir," Black assured him. "Just Itil you finish." McCoyraised an eyebrow and turned back to the tray of food. No use putting this fella on the line. He'd eat the damn stuff and take it up with MIBenga later. Anything to get rid of his company. Anything to have some peace. And that's when it hit him, like a slap to the back of his head. Like an insane, deafening scream. Distantly, he heard something shatter and he was on the floor, quaking, sick with the smell of chemicals and blood. He looked down at his hands. Black was doing something to them, trying to grab them, and he was frantically trying to pull them away. "No, Doc," the big orderly said .sternly. "I got it, easy now. You're okay. II

But McCoywould not have it. He pounded at the young man's face, and grabbed a bit of broken glass with his good hand. "Not this time," he screamed, his throat dry and tight, as if held been screaming for hours. "No! You goddamn son-of-a-bitch, you have no II He could hardly get time to breathe; could hardly make it. "You have no right! II He knew the glass was cutting his left hand as well, but he could feel no pain. He was far beyond ..

1~2

.

pain,

buried in fear and rage.

He slashed out and hit something

sure if it was himself or Black. rush of self-contempt. .

IIOh...my god.1I lilt's all right,

- he wasn't

There was more blood, and he felt

a sudden

.

Doc.1I Black's voice was calm.

He had a.lab towel.

McCoyblinked dumbly at his hands, wishing to hell he could hold them still. He felt sick, woozy with all the smells, and tried to wipe the sweat from his face with his sleeve. IINo, Doc,1I Black was saying. He took McCoy's arms again and the doctor glared up, terrified. The young man's smile was concerned, but completely unabashed. He took another towel and wiped the doctor's face, turning to give some orders to someone who'd just entered the room. McCoysighed, helpless to hold back the sobs; at least it's empty in here, he thought. It could have been crowded. Thank god. Black' s attenti on was on him agai n. IICan you stand, Doctor?1I HIs strong arms completely encircled McCoy. IIComeon...up slowly.1I His knees buckled and he heard someone call for a gurney. He knew the voice. IIJim?1Ihe called. He couldn't see through the blur of tears. Damn. What was it? What are these tears? What in the hell He reached out

1ike a bl ind man. IIJim?1I

..

He knew Kirk was talking to him and he wanted to explain, but it was all lost.' He was crumb,ling inside, buckling again. Someone mentioned the gurney once more, but Black just shook his headJ very much the man in charge. IINo. I'm not waiting,1I the big man said. "He's bleeding.1I He scooped his boss up in his arms like a child and swept into the corridor. It was one of those red light moments that happens on a ship sometimes. No emergency bells ring off when a crewman is down, there is no sounding of general alarm. But somehow, the word moves from stem to stern in minutes, as if a ship of cold metal suddenly starts breathing with emotion. The theory is that it has to do with a correlation between the vast loneliness of space and the unity of a crew. But at such moments a ship is like a living body, a mass of connecting nerves, aware of the point of injury and yet in total control of the various tasks at hand. It was one of the aspects of ship life that Jim Kirk held most dear. He especially appreciated it now because he knew that it meant the ship would afford him the luxury of allowing others to run her while he took the time to be a worried friend. He sat in McCoy's empty office waiting for M'Benga or Chapel to pop a head in with a word of news. When M'Benga did come in he jumped to his feet, surprised to hear himself asking first about McCoy's orderly. M'Benga closed the door behind him and offered Kirk a reassuring smile. IIOh.. .Jason is fine, sir. He"s got a nasty gash on his arm, but I gave him a couple of days on sick list mostly to ease his nerves.1I Kirk shook his head. IIPretty upsetting. He did a fine job.1I IIWell," M'Benga rubbed the back of his neck. IIHe's an orderly now, but he'll make a crack psychologist."

For the first

time, Kirk understood.

He eyed M'Benga keenly.

assigned him to McCoy, didn't yoU.1I "No." M'Benga shrugged. "But let's just run this sickbay blindfolded.1I IIDamn,1IKirk hissed. IIWhywasn't I told? . .

II

You

say Christine

Chapel could

Or at least

McCoy's direct

124 ..

... "'MiiiIiIIiIi

...

-

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...

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superior? If my CMO's having problems, it's your duty as his physician to tell me, mister!" "He wants to see you, Captain." M'Benga's eyes met Kirk's with the same practiced defiance McCoyused so often. "He's self-deflated right now, so I hope you'll keep your feelings at bay." Kirk's fist tightened. "I'm going to ignore that, Doctor. Answer my question." IIWell , sir," M'Benga explained softly, "I'm not exactly certain what it is you want me to tell you. One ~f the finest surgeons in the Fleet suffers from symptoms of an ulcer and occasional bouts of insomnia. Not exactly unusual for a man of his standing and responsibility. This surprised us as much as it did you. More, I guess, since we're supposed to be so damned smart about such things these days." Kirk nodded in way of thanks. M'Benga was a good man, patient. "He was terrified back there, Doctor. At first when I came in, I thought he was trying to kill himself, but that wasn't it. He was defending himself." Kirk's eyes softened as he searched the physician's tired face. "But from what ?II "Memories." M'Benga's head turned as he saw Spock coming in from the far door. "I'd better catch Mr. Spock before he sees him, sir. I don't want him to be alarmed." He started to leave, then caught his stride and turned. "leonard knows you were there, Captain. So when you see him, don't pretend anything. Please. Be honest with him. He knows you've seen him cry; maybe he'll open up to yoU." Kirk stood in. the doorway and watched as M'Benga went to Spock. The Vulcan's eyes met Kirk's briefly and then seemed to rest in thought as he listened to what the physician was saying. He didn't look startled, and he nodded, seeming to understand without pause. He was dressed in Vulc~n garb and Kirk imagined he must have been interrupted during meditation. In fact, thought the captain, maybe no one told him at all. Maybe he just knew. McCoydidn't look half bad when Kirk found him. He was sitting up in bed, dressed in pajamas and a robe, his hands wrapped in ordinary bandage. And while he still trembled slightly, he was at ease enough to grouse to Chapel about the medicine they'd given him. "Damnit, Christine. My arms are numb from the elbows down. What did M'Benga give me?" She looked beyond him to Kirk and unsmiling, readied another hypo. "Doctor. If I were to answer that you'd turn right around and put me on report." "What's that for?" She smilecr:- "lie back, please, Dr. McCoy." "What is it," McCoydemanded again. As she eased him back to the bed he realized Kirk was standing next to him. He lay still while she opened his shirt and applied the hypo. Kirk watched in silence until she was done. He wanted very much to close his eyes and turn away, to save himself from the pain which he felt was his responsibility to share. And he sensed the sureness of McCoy's gaze on him, sizing him up, testing his friendship. The doctor's face was pale, perhaps from the loss of blood, perhaps from the gut-wrenching attack of fear. Kirk ~asn't sure. The only thing he knew for certain was that McCoywas looking lnto his soul, inspecting him from the inside out. It was a long and terrifying moment of expectation.

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1/

"Spock is here, Bones," Kirk said softly, watching Chapel for some sign of approval, or for a clue. He wished to hell he knewwhat to say, or how to say it. She didn't even acknowledge him as she closed McCoy's shirt and robe. "But I thought.. .well Maybe you and I should just talk for a little while first." Chapel moved off. "Have you told him?" "I think M'Benga already did, Bones. It's his job." Kirk took a breath and looked at him squarely. "But I would have." "You gonna can me?" "Why in the hell would I want to do that?" "Well, for one thing...I sliced up one of my staff." Kirk sighed, shamefully aware of the fact that he was standing some distance from the bed. He pulled up a chair, at the same time gesturing to McCoy's bandaged hands. "They hurt?" "I suppose they should," McCoysaid bitterly. "But M'Benga never gave 'em the chance." He glanced down at them. "I don't remember any pain... before." For a moment, Kirk fought for words. "You were hurting plenty, Bones." "M'Benga says he's okay," McCoywhispered. "Who?" "Black." "It was an accident." McCoyshivered, teeth gritted, and tried to flex his fingers.

'''Don't,'' Kirk \';Ihispered. . And taking the right hand in his, he held it between his pa1ms. '''Damnit, B'ones...what happened?" The doctor drew a breath that was like a sob, and though the shivering started again, his eyes took on a stony emptiness. For an instant Kirk though he was having another attack, but then he realized that McCoywas simply holding back. He wanted to turn away. "Please..." Kirk went on. "What's doing this to you? What " "I didn't expect it. Not like that," McCoywhispered icily. He turned to the wall. "I thought Ihad it, you know?" "No. What?"

III . . . . .. When McCoytwisted away from him, Kirk felt the peculiar anger of uselessness. He stood up and reached for McCoy's tear-soaked face. "Look at me, goddamnit," he choked, turning the face gently in his hands. He was shaking himself now, terrified, keenly suspicious that the answer he needed was his as well. They had been through so much together. Minara. The name of that star reverberated in his head, and all the unspoken hell that had gone with it. But they'd beat it. They'd beat it. Kirk's face radiated the anger he still felt about those hideous hours. But the Vians had made everything right, fixed it up. His hands shook on McCoy's face and as he looked into his eyes, he saw pain that was like the memory of death. Or the wish for it. Jim Kirk would not have it. "Bones...please." Please what? Kirk could hear the threatening sound in his own voice. A real anger. He settled back in his chair, troubled. Did whatever frightened McCoyterrify him him as well?

~ ~I

~

He trembled, holding back the tears for his friend's

sake.

McCoywas

watching him, his eyes searching his face for something. He's afraid I'm going to reject him, Kirk thought. Why? M'Benga's hand settled gently on Kirk's shoulder, and his voice rose over

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~

iii'

his head, comforting and calm. "I told Mr. Spock to wait," the physician explained. He squeezed Kirk's shoulder. "Leonard, I'm going to let him see you for just a minute. Then I want to check you over completely." The fear in McCoy's face vanished, so that he responded to M'Benga as a physician, his tone clinical. "That should take an hour or so. That is, if you've also called in Dr. Cassidy?" "I have." Cassidy. Kirk knew that one. The-; psychologist who'd checked them all out after Minara. He remembered that she'd been a kind of nag, trying to pry out something more about those dark hours from the time he'd been hurt until they'd found McCoy. He recalled now how he'd been amused at her daily memos back then. Something about the ship's surgeon being uncooperative. Kirk stood up, thankful that M'Benga was giving him a polite out. He needed very badly to get away. "Okay, then," Kirk said with a smile. "I'll be back after a while, Bones.' His eyes caught M'Benga's, and he knew the doctor would have some words for him before he left. Spock had come up from behind, and Kirk had the eerie feeling that some kind of wheels had been set in motion. He reached a hand to McCoy's head. "Easy?" McCoynodded and despite the company of the others, he could not hide the tremor in his voice. "Jim...I'm sorry." He smiled tenuously. "Tell Black~ will ya?" I

Ordinarily, Mr. Spock did not walk the halls of the Enterprise out of uniform, but he did not want to waste the time to change before talking to Kirk. He was concerned, not for himself, or even directly at this moment for McCoy, but for the humanness involved in general. He had seen such situations before. A bottleneck of human emotion, chaotic but suppressed, rising at last to tear at those frail beings who sought to contain them. He marveled at McCoy, that he was even alive, for he sensed keenly the magnitude of negative human emotions the man was feeling. Their intensity would rival the passion of even the most primitive Vulcan. And knowing Kirk's love of the man, Spock could not dismiss his concern that Kirk would attempt to take upon himself more than was possible for one human. He had watched while Kirk stood with McCoy, seen the blood drain from the captain's face. And he had observed in Kirk a fearful look of recognition. Whatever was destroying McCoycould, by transference, destroy the captain of the Enterprise. That was a thing Spock could not allow. When he found that Kirk was not on duty or in his quarters, it only made sense to Spock to seek him out in the gym. He found his captain in gym trunks, covered in sweat, pounding furiously at a battered punching bag. The Vulcan looked on for several minutes, understanding that although Kirk had not yet acknowledged his presence, he knew he was not alone. When the captain's aggression slowed naturally, Spock took the liberty to speak. "I am told that helps, Captain." "Sometimes," Kirk said without looking. He pulled the sweatband from his head and reached for a towel. "I suppose for you, the answer is meditation." "Answer, Captain?" Kirk sighed. "Yes. You know. When it all gets to be too much." . .

127

Spock said nothing. He found Kirk's sweatshirt lying on the floor and carried it over to him. Kirk was sitting on a bench and when he took the shirt he looked up, the sweat dripping into his eyes. He blinked at the Vulcan, tired and perplexed. "Still in civvies, huh? Looks like it's been a long day for all of us." "Negative, Captain. It has not yet been two hours since Dr. McCoy's incident. I merely wanted to speak to you before going on duty." liOn duty? It isn't time for " He stopped, suddenly aware of what Spock was doing - and annoyed by it. Like McCoy, the Vulcan had a knack for burying his troubles in work. Although Spock would not call them troubles. Or even acknowledge them. He would let it rest for now; he had other things to tal k about. "Al1 right, then. I'm gonna take a shower and get back to Sickbay. If I finish up there in time, I'll get with you about landing duty plans. If I can't get with you this evening, we'll handle it pre-shift tomorrow. May not even need to send another party down on this little rock of a planet. They've collected the required data." "I had thought you planned another landing Spock looked surprised. party; however "

"Na," Kirk said, stretching

to his feet.

"Just a little

sightseeing.

II

He was aware that he was looking at Spock accusingly. "There was this one spot. I'd wanted Bones to see it, but it was nothing. II The Vulcan acknowledged with a lift of the brow. "Does that seem wasteful to you, Spock?" "Cap~ain." The Vulcan took a breath, obviously getting ready for a speech "I feel a certain responsibility...for allowing myself to hesitate before approaching you about the doctor. Perhaps this incident " "No." Kirk's jaw tightened. It was all he could do not to turn away.

"Damnit, Spock. Stop referring "I

merely

to it as an incident.

Please.

II

II

"And let's not pretend...we aren't feeling pain. For God's sake, we're his friends. Is Scotty the only one of us who's going to pitch a cussing fit?" Spock eyed the battered punching bag. He wondered who or what the captain imagined that bag to be as he pounded it. Kirk bit his lip, falling back to the bench, and smiled up at Spock through his tears. The mission had taken its toll, as he'd always expected it would. Drawing in a long, decisive breath, he slapped the bench with his hand, indicating for Spock to sit next to him. The Vulcan did so, but remained icily silent. "We have to get at this," Kirk whispered finally. "We have to talk about it, Spock. About Bones." The Vulcan had a way of tensing his body without moving a muscle. Kirk sensed that happening now, so he was surprised when Spock spoke up. "You saw it, too." "Yes." Kirk closed his eyes, feeling sick with memories. liThe Vians tortured him, treated him like some laboratory animal, and they left him like

t hat

.

II

"They healed him," Spock added softly. "But it was not enough. II Both men sat in silence for some time, as if their minds were thinking in unison, collaborating on some grand equation. It was Kirk who finally spoke up. "And we thought we were home free, Spock. We kidded ourselves. Do you suppose? Were we that afraid? The Vians healed his body, but they couldn't

128

have undone the emotional trauma. Whydidn't I talk to him? Whydidn't I make him bring all that pain out in the open, so he could share. So he could be

free of it.

II

IIThen it is agreed,1I Spock whispered hoarsely. IIYes.1I Kirk stood up and started slowly for the showers. I'm sorry, Bones, he thought. The Vians still have you. As far as your mind is concerned, they still have you and they're not going to let you go. Unless we help.

Dr. Cassidy came into the office where M'Benga and Kirk waited. She was a short, round woman, in her mid-fifties, sharp of eye and wit, unmerciful in her observations. She closed the door behind her and turned with an unexpected grace, her eyes quick and brilliant.

III need the office,1I she said flatly,

IIfor a private consultation.

II

Kirk nodded and rose to leave. IINo,1Ishe said. IINot you, Captain Kirk. I'd like to speak with you alone, if Dr. M'Benga doesn't mind.1I Not only did M'Benga not mind, he was amused. At last the dear doctor had Kirk where she wanted him cornered. Kirk fell back to his seat like a schoolchild caught out of turn. She stopped M'Benga at th~ door. IIHewants to go to his quarters. Do you have any probl ems with that, Doctor?1I

-

M'Benga seemed surprised.

IIIf it should happen again

She smiled, watching Kirk from the corner of her eye. breakables in his room.1I IISuicide?1I IINot a chance.

11

IIThere are fewer

II

It was enough for M'Benga. And though it was subtle, Kirk noticed that her savvy worked a magic on M'Benga. He left the room a more confident man. Kirk got up to offer her his chair, but she waved him down and pulled a straightbacked chair up next to him, an elbow on the desk. Her eyes twinkled, business-like but genuine. She was enjoying the fact that she'd caught her captain off guard. IIShouldn't he have someone with him?1I Kirk asked. He was perplexed by this woman, always had been, and he was too preoccupied with McCoyto let it bother him now. IIWhat if it should II liThe boss '11 be fine,1I she said. IIHoware you feeling, Captain? We haven't talked in some time.1I III'm worried. II He scowled. IIAren't yoU?1I IIYes. Leonard's pretty screwed up right now. Couldn't happen to a nicer person, could it.1I He pushed his chair back, a civilized display of anger. III think you're being a bit too flippant, Dr. Cassidy. II IINo, no, Captain. 1'm just tired and hurt like everyone else. My boss is in trouble and I'm trying to get to the point fast. I asked you a question, sir, and I'd appreciate an answer. I said it couldn't happen to a nicer person. II IINo, it couldn't have, II he muttered, looking away. IIDon't be cryptic, Dr. Cassidy. Tell me what's wrong. What are you going to do?1I IINothing.1I He knew as soon as he looked at her, the rage showing on his face, that IIAre you going to she had calculated her answer to get just that response. give me a report on my CMO? Do I need to repl ace him?1I

129

I

She gave an impatient groan and scooted her chair around the desk until she was knee-to-knee with Kirk. "Captain, what the hell was it like back there? On that little planet in the Minaran system?" "We've talked about that," Kirk said abruptly. He was angry, but he knew the womanwas on the right track. "I know what you're getting at...and... so does Mr. Spock." "Good." She smiled, genuinely relieved. "Then we're already farther than I'd hoped." . "But you should be talking to Bones about this. Not me." "Ves. I suppose this is his problem," she said dryly. "He was very alone at that time...wouldn't you say?" "The Vians took him while I was unconscious. I couldn't stop it." "Leonard did it," he whispered. Suddenly, he felt woozy, as he had felt earlier with McCoy. He resented something she was saying, or the way she put it to him. He wasn't sure. "Against direct orders." Her eyes searched him carefully. "It was all his doing?" "Ves!" Kirk blurted, jumping to his feet. He turned to the wall; he needed a window. Why in the hell didn't this place have a window! "Did you ever reprimand him?" "Goddamnit!" He slammed his fist to the wall and looked around in anger. "What are you...?" He fought the tears, felt the bitterness coming from hi s heart. "He did it for me! For Spock. He thought... He thought " ".. .you were worththe trouble," she finished. Her voice was matter-offact,. ki nd. "Are you?" He leaned his; face to the wall, the tears rolling silently, barely noti ced . "Leonardis a pretty good judge of character," she added gently. "He picked me." He could hardly speak. His throat was dry and twisted in pain. "Hels . . . the best of us." He wanted to turn to her now, and thank her, because he realized at last what she was doing. He would have hugged her if he could have moved, but he was paralyzed with tears. Cassidy sighed contentedly and leaned back in her chair. "Captain, I have a problem. I want my boss to get well, but 11m not equipped to make him well. Not really. I could put him in prolonged therapy, I could do psychotricorder exams and analysis and feed him drugs. Held function pretty well in about two years." Kirk closed his eyes, his chest tight with sorrow. "He'd still be a damn fine physician, and the Fleet would find a place for him." Her warm voice filled the room, l.ike a melancholy song. "But... the spark would be gone." He pressed his temple harder to the wall, still unable to turn. His thoughts rambled to avoid some of the pain. Of course McCoy's office had no window. It was the most protected part of the ship. The heart. "Vou know, Captain," she said, "an entire race was saved because of what Leonard did. An entire race. I've tried to reconcile that with the way I feel about it all myself. And...as illogical as it seems...I can't. I mean, if I may indulge myself...the boss is only one man. Certainly not equal in worth to an entire people. So why can't I come to terms with that? Why can't I be satisfied?" He turned with a smile, child-like, wiping the tears from his eyes. He was proud of their discovery. "Because," he said, sniffling, "the value of .

/1'

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-

the spark is measureless.1I McCoysat at the desk in his quarters and looked down at his hands. The steri 1e white bandages annoyed him. He knew the wounds weren't seri ous and he wasn't worried about them, but the bandages were awkward and he wanted to work in the lab tomorrow. First he tried getting them off with his fingers, but they were too stiff. IIDamn,1Ihe muttered and unraveled the wrapping gently with his teeth. Chapel wouldn't like it, but tomorrow he'd put protective spray on them. He looked at them, tried to flex his fingers. Howhad he done that? Why? He tried to sort it out, to remember, but he could only get feelings, not events. He closed his eyes and leaned back. A psychotricorder exam wouldn't help, would it? Cassidy had said not. She'd told him that an exam would only show his suppressed memories, not the feelings that went with them. She'd seemed rather cold with him, but he was thankful for her clinical approach. He trusted her, and if she thought it was going to be okay, then it would be. Hell, she'd fixed it so he could go to his quarters, hadn't she? He was a little surprised that she hadn't talked to him longer. He dimmed the lights even more, then got up and went to his bed. IIForget it,ll he whispered as he slipped out of his robe.' IIShe'll call you to her office tomorrow.1I She'll prod. He examined his hands once more, carefully flexing the fingers. Poor Black. Bet he'll never bully another CMO again. That thought flicked some unhappy switch in his memory. It was all so unclear, so highly emotional. Didn't make sense. And Black was no bully. No sir. McCoyrec~lled painfully how Jason Black had withstood his wildness with a calm that was nothing short of human love. He wanted to talk to that one, to find out what had made one so young so full of understanding. It's as if Black had seen the monsters, too. He trembled at the memory and, rolling his face to the pillow, held on tight to whatever peace it was that allowed him his sanity. There were monsters, all right, there were demons. He was psychologist enough to know that. But he could not seem them in his mind's eye as he instinctively felt he should. They were just there. Cloudy. Hiding in the crevices. They were fierce things, larger than anything he had ever known in all his life, and bent on destroying him with the'mere fact of their existence. He shook, his fists clenched in silent anger, as the dim knowledge of their power tore at hi s sou 1 . There are places in this universe where every man is alone, where all other reality is cut off by the man's unique experience. McCoyknew this as he wept in the dim light, his face buried, his body trembling. He was alone and he accepted it, as one accepts anything that is practical and real. In fact, he clung to the loneliness, as if the darkness it gave him was a kind of home: a predictable, unconditional eye of the storm. With fatigue, the pain began to dull, until the pounding in his head was as comforting and timed as the pulse of his heart. Eyes closed,mind black, untouched by anything, he was in the womb. He stayed like that, quiet, thankful for the nothingness, falling into a sleep that was the sleep of a babe. Safe, in hiding. The Vulcan stood over him, tall and brooding in the darkness. Never before had he taken the liberty to enter a man's room unannounced. He had called and McCoyhad not answered, and that had been enough. He leaned his head to one side, examining his friend as best he could in the dim light. There was nothing to see. The Vulcan understood, however, that the thing he looked .

-

131

for was not to be discovered by the eye, but by the gentle untwisting of the man's mind. He took a nearby chair and sat, hands on the arms, watching. There was so much to think about now. Humans have a misconception about the Vulcan mind touch. They think of it as a shortcut to understanding the heart. It is not. Nor is it a visual view of times, events, places. It is a knowing that has nothing to do with definition. It is, quite simply, a very temporary and incomplete way of "being' another. It is sometimes rich with feeling, sometimes coldly and terrifyingly revealing. And when it involves a Vulcan and emotion-based alien mind, it is always dangerous. Even under the most ideal conditions, with the most cooperative of partners. Perhaps that is why it has so often been equated with sex. Spock sat and watched the sleeping man, terrified. Right now, more than any other time in his life, he resented Leonard McCoy. Only one other man James Kirk had compelled him to feel so deeply. But with Kirk, it had been less painful. Thinking about it, Spock almost smiled: The captain would not 1ike to hear it, but he could have made a good Vulcan. "But not you, Leonard," he whispered in the darkness. "You would never pass. II It was at that moment that Spock admitted to himself that the thing he had suspected for some time was indeed true. Of all the adventures he had experienced during his tour on the Enterprise, his friendship with the emo-'; tional, erratic physician had been the most challenging. Leonard McCoywas an alien. He was the physical manifestation of all those things Mr. Spock did not understand. Aside from his professional life, he seldom acted out of logic. Even his medical genius had little to do with textbooks and discipline. And yet, so very often, his emotional decisions lead to astoundingly logical conclusions. At times Spock felt as though McCoy~s sole purpose in life was to be a living contradiction of all things Vulcan. Logic, discipline, forebearance, were mere tools for this man, to be cast aside when unneeded as a juggler tosses his delicate toys to the air. . Until now, Leonard McCoyhad handled emotion with a finesse that made Spock envious. With a graceful, charming eagerness, he had gone about his life in a way that secretly 1eft Spock in awe. He made being human look easy. Until now, he had been a very successful man. So the Vulcan sat in the darkness, as might an apprentice before his beloved but unrelenting master, astounded that one of such magical powers could fail. What shook Spock most of all was not that McCoy's emotions had brought him down, but rather that because of it, he cherished the man all the more. It was the final insult to his sense of logic. And the final threat. The doctor slept deeply, his breathing steady and long. Not like death, but like an unhealthy enchantment. Spock did not have to touch him to get a sense of his sorrow; loneliness hung in the'air like a crimson Vulcan mist. Spock understood loneliness. He knew it was the connecting force, the one thing which he and McCoyshared in common. Odd, he 'thought, that the one quality which, by definition, indicated separateness would also be their connecting line. He leaned over the bed, and very lightly, as a child would test tempting, unknown waters, he brushed his hand over the man's head. Then, quickly, he closed his eyes and settled back in his chair. For an instant, Spock had felt the presence of the man and that brief passing had nearly been too much. Fierce with human pain, chaotic with emotion. And there had echoed up from the man's mind something more terrifying than Spock had imagined. A passionate'hatred as the Vulcans of old must have known, curiously mixed with child-like fear. It had come fro~ the depths, shouting out, and still it had

-

( 132

been strong enough to stun Spock. He knew now a meld could not be the answer. He did not have the strength for what lay in the man's mind. The Vulcan could not know that even as he withdrew to himself, there was a response within the man's mind. Synaptic impulses sparkled and stirred, a message too del icate for the cOrlscious mind darted across multitudes of tiny cells, awakening a single thought for a millisecond of the human's life. For

that instant,

the sleeper's

mind responded to the warmth of another.

Gentle,

stirring, thankful. And when the oneness came back on him, it was with the smallest bit more strength. McCoymoaned softly, his face still buried in the pillow, his fists still clenched. The "events of the day had afforded him the relief of exhaustion, so that his mind drank greedily of sleep. And within"~he great shadow world where he dreamed, there were places, times, events, faces - all forms of those things a man cannot speak of with his waking mind. Illusory creatures formed there"who had never walked the universe, the sympathetic translation of real horrors too bold for the human eye. Like some other-dimensional cosmic ocean, McCoy's mind whirled with feelings that blended into shapes. He spoke to himself from the spark-filled depths. He urged himself on, demanding to be heard, angry and impatient with that knowing part of himself which cowered now in slumber. At once he would be a huge beast, taller than a mountain, roaring down at the Enterprise, its bloody mouth gaping to swallow it up. Then he was the little boy visiting his great-grandpappy in the Georgia woods. It wa~ his thirteenth year. Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, he thought hard in his head. 11m thirteen. He looked up at a tiny sparrow in the sun~spattered tree. It cocked its head at him and smiled down, its tiny eyes clear and innocent. And then he was the sparrow, calling down to himself in a soft, sum~er voice. Where are you, where are you, where are you going On and on until he changed again at some vital, misty point in his mind. He was an athlete then, a runner, pushing against the wind, his eyes blinded and stinging from the force of it. And then the wind was not the wind, but a soft, unyielding door. His shoulder pushed against it as he ran, but with all his force, all his pain-filled breath, he could not open it. So he pushed harder, harder, until the door's wet and creviced wall began to leak with blood. It splattered his face and stung in his eyes like the wind, but still he pushed against its center. And as he pushed with all his strength, that strength somehow became a feeling, warm and mixed with tears. Was it calling? Had it heard? And suddenly he was that voice on the other side of the door, mist-like and unsettled, like some god just born. MCCoyawoke suddenly from a dream he could not remember, his pillow soaked with sweat, his heart racing. There was a blanket over him and someone had brought th~~im setting of his light even lower. He let his mind'unwind from the heavy sleep, sitting up slowly as he wiped his eyes. He wondered what time it was and then decided it didn't-matter. It was late; Chapel had obviously been by to tuck him in. He got to his feet and went to the door, opening it to check for a guard or orderly. There was none, and with a vague feeling of disappointment, he went back to bed. He could feel 'his hands pretty well now. They stung a little and were soaked in cold sweat. In his halfasleep state, he wished that he could remember more, though he wasn't exactly sure what it was he wanted to remember. The pain, he guessed. That would at least vindicate it a little, make it more tangible. So he flexed his fingers to feel the sting; thinking groggily, I hope there won't be scars. *

*

..

;

133

*

....--

.. .

Jim Kirk had a good feeling about the next planet.

He was sure it would

be teeming with life, which was hoping for a good deal more than the ship's sensors and computers predicted. The Enterprise science department had promised him that it would contain at least "1ife engendering matter or life forms of the lowest sca1e." He expected more. He wasn't exactly sure why, so he certainly wouldn't mention it to Spock. Call it instinct. A sailor's nose for land. They'd be orbiting the planet within the hour, all data from the previous excursion filed, processed and tidied up for further examination. He signed off .his last report of the shift, one eye on the empty science station as he spoke to Lieutenant Su1u. "Mr. Su1u, the con is yours. I'm leaving a little ear1y." "Aye, sir," the helmsman said as he sat in the captain's chair. "1'11 notify you as soon as we've established orbit." Kirk heard and nodded, but was mildly ashamed of the fact that he was barely paying attention. Lately it seemed he had as much to do off shift as on shift. It had been almost a week now since McCoy's attack in the lab. Enterprise had already coursed her way past the third planet from the star, K-ming, finding the need only to send out information-gathering buoys and go on. The planet was a mass of methane and other gasses, with no sign of recognizable life or even the remotest possibility of it. Certainly not worth risking even the shortest man-to-surface landing. And so Kirk's off-duty time was spent catching up the damned personal log which now had some very sensitive entry information - and visiting with McCoy, using all the personal knowledge and instinct he had, along with the rather hard-nosed guidance of Dr. Cassidy to, as she put it, "get the boss back into synch." It was a peculiar duty, he knew, and one that would have been frowned on by the Fleet, had they ever been allowed to know. And as Kirk whizzed down on the turbo1ift, Kirk mulled over the fact that eventually the Fleet would know how its dear captain had been playing amateur psychologist once t~ five-year mission was over. Cassidy's records would have to be open to them then, although she'd vowed this matter would remain Ishe1tered" just now for the sake of the patient's recovery. She was a daring member of her profession, and a little short with those who still thought of psychology in the archaic sense of the 20th and 21st centuries. "I've come to Space as an explorer, too, Captain," she had told Kirk stubbornly when he voiced his worries over their plan of treatment for his friend. "And don't worry about what the Fleet Tops will say once they've found out. The thing is, we've got the ball now. We can help him if we don't let the red tape strangle us. If we were to officially report McCoy's status, they'd replace him in a day, the fat-assed bastards. You'd lose a top CMO. I'd lose my boss. That what you want? Go by the book? Don't recall ever noticing that any of our admiralty boys are graduates in psychology. To hell with 'em. We're gonna fix the boss and we're gonna do it now, while he's with the people who love him." Iv He smiled, thinking about it. Hers had been one hell of a pep talk. He'd remember that, in case he ever again had to send crew into a battle. She'd had consultations with him alone, and with Spock. But the Vulcan had held his reserve in front of her, even being somewhat withdrawn with Kirk. While Spock wanted to help McCoy, something was troubling him, blocking off the tremendous Vulcan capacity to meet the alien foe. Kirk's worry about that had grown, as he knew that the key to McCoy's sorrow was keenly tied up with the experience the three of them had had with the Vians. They had literally gone

-

135

~.

LL

-.

through hell together that time, and each in his very own personal way had come back from death. So now he sought out the Vulcan, single-mindedly aware that th~ two of them would have to pass through this door before they could help McCoycompletely. Of the three of them, Spock alone had not been physically abused by the Vians and Kirk could only guess that this might somehow be part of the problem. It was bad enough to have to admit his love for humans, but to know that one had sacrifi ced himsel f for him, and to see the resul ts of that sacrifice it could tear Spock apart. It could be doing so now. "Mr. Spock," Kirk called from outside the Vulcan's quarters. "I'd like to see you for a moment." "Enter," came the reply from within. The Vulcan turned from his computer as Kirk let the door close behind him. "I left word with Sciences, Captain,

-

that I was going over data from the last planet here in my quarters. "Yes. I know. No need for excuses, on the bridge.

He turned back to the console.

Mr. Spock.

Nothing's

"I was not making excuses.

II

happening II

"Not about that, anyway," Kirk answered, nodding at the computer. Something within the Vulcan visibly froze. Kirk edged his way to Spock's side, looking down at the changing screen. "I had lunch with Bones." III have not had the opportunity to see the doctor yet today. II "He didn't mention it. But he's getting restless. Well...cranky, actually. Says he's done as much research as he can from his room computer console, needs to get to thelab." "What does Dr. Cassidy say?" "I don't know.II Kirk did his best to sound flippant. "I guess I'll have to talk to her. If she can't get him back on duty, or at least in the lab, 1'11 have to put in for a new medical officer. We've done as much as we can, Spock. He seems okay when I talk to him, but " Spock shut off the computer. Something in the gesture betrayed annoyance - or anger. "I'm sorry," Kirk said. "I guess that was a pretty obvious lie." "And insulting," Spock whispered, not looking up. "Cassidy says the nightmares are getting worse. Black's been with him the last few nights, and Bones hates it. She thinks he's building up to another attack, that whatever it is that's twisting inside him...it's going to be worse. " Spock looked up, his eyes deep and moody, catching light from the eterna 1 flame that burned in the corner. Kirk recognized in those eyes a real and frightening change. They were soft, troubled, searching in a way that only Too human eyes will search - with a boldness that can come only from fear. much fear. For an instant, Kirk thought he had been crying. "She says it's time, Spock." The Vulcan gave a single nod. "I know it hurts," Kirk continued gently, lito talk to him the way we're going to have to talk to him. The way we've planned. But we know they're tormenting him from the inside.1I IICan we be certain, Jim? That it is the memories of Minara?" "I know. II Kirk looked away, not certain he could face his friend with what he had to tell him. "Last ni ght I asked Black to call me if the nightmares came. They did, so I went to his room. I tried to help. II He turned .. .

136

-

back to Spock slowly, doing his best to fight the pain-filled memories the experience had brought him. "When I got there, Black was waiting for me. Very calm, that fellow. He had tears in his eyes. He had his arms around Bones like some big, gentle gorilla. And with all his strength, it still took the two of us to hold him. Bones was screaming, he..." Kirk felt himself beginning to stammer; he stopped a moment to gain control, determined that v Spock should hear it all, to prepare him. "He was screaming from his soul. And all of a sudden, Spock...I was there, you know? It's as if I could see... what live been so goddamn afraid to see." "The Vians," Spock whispered hoarsely. "He called for us, Spock. He begged us to help. He cou1dn't understand ...in that mad agony...why we didn't come." Spock drew in a deep, sullen breath, his head bowed. "Did he awaken?" Kirk didn't seem to hear; his mind was still on events that night. "And , Cassidy says that in that deep part of his mind, he's still waiting for us to J help, Spcok. He...can't see that we couldn't. Not that part of him, in the agony. He thinks we betrayed him." "Not consciously." Spock understood. Having spent most of his life trying to commandthe human part of himself, he knew completely the subterranean workings of the human mind. "But the part of his mind, the subconscious perhaps, which took over for him during that time." "It kept him safe," Kirk added. Spock understood that, as well. Hands clasped in his lap, he gazed up at his captain. The tension that had held him before dissolved into overwhelming warmth. "I tried to reach him that first night, Jim. To do the mind touch, at least. I couldn't. And I have indeed felt, since then, that I have betrayed him." IISpock, you know it I S not that easy to " "Please," the Vulcan put in sadly. "I must tell you. If we are to help him. This must be an open thing between us." Kirk nodded, smiling gently, but secretly frightened by the change that had become so visible in the Vulcan. Was he forcing too much on Spock, making him come too near his dreaded human half? Would he lose one to save the other? He thought of the Vians, and the decision McCoyhad made. Was there no way out of this without a price? "I was too near, II Spock continued. "For the brief moment I touched his thoughts, I sensed...not just his horror and need...but my own fear of it.1I IIBut there's no shame in being afraid," Kirk insisted warmly. "It wasn't the pain that terrified me." He studied Kirk's puzzled eyes, hoping he co~ld accept what he had to say. "It was his need to know that I love him. It repe 11ed me. And terri fi ed me. II Kirk went to Spock's bed and sat, understanding exactly now what it was all costing Spock. To help McCoy, Spock would have to let all his defenses relax. Held saved McCoyfrom the Vians by suppressing the powerful emotions he felt then in order to break free of the Vians' emotion-fed force field. Now, it was the reverse. McCoy's condition demanded that Spock tell him to his face and with all his heart that he cared. Kirk wondered if it was right, if there was a way out. "Captain?" Spock got to his feet, the long silence broken. "I believe it is the supper hour. Have you by chance arranged for us to have dinner with our friend?" "I have. II Kirk stood reluctantly. "But Spock 11

137

."ls he expecting us?" "No. I don't think so." "Then," the Vulcan said, turning

for the door.

to surpri se him. II

"It will

be my chance

-

Kirk observed Spock carefully as they walked together to McCoy's quarters. If things happened as Kirk and Dr. Cassidy hoped they would, it could be a very long night. The captain wanted to be sure that now was the right time for Spock, fearing deeply that this was as dangerous for him as it was for McCoy. They would have to talk seriously with McCoytonight, and if he was ready, if it was even possible, they would try to make him face once morE the horrors of Minara. One more time, to chase away the ghosts. It would involved hellish memories for all of them, but McCoywould get the worst of it. "You know, Mr. Spock," Kirk said as they stopped at McCoy's door. "I feel...like a traitor." The lift of a smile touched the edge of Spock's mouth. "Ironic, isn't it. I feel it, too." He pressed the button and requested entry, one hand firmly squeezing Kirk's arm. Kirk understood what that extravagant gesture meant. Spock was ready and he would not turn back. And perhaps, in a very real way for Spock, this was another venture into alien land. "Well, gent1 emen," McCoysaid as they entered. "It's damn good to have some company." He was reading a book but as he looked up he let it drop to his belly, stretching his hands behind his head. His ~yes were somber and lined with fatigue; a sign t~at there was little peace in sleep. His voice was tinged with cautious bitterness. "I've just about used up my personal library. Read any good books lately?" Kirk looked around the room. "Jason's gone to get "himself some supper, Jim. I told him it'd be okay. He doesn't need to sit with me every minute; I really feel fine. It's just the damned " His eyes flashed briefly from Kirk to Spock, then looked away. "I wish they'd let me work. If I could just work, it'd be okay." "Well, you look like hell." Kirk plowed forward, his voice robust and playful. He snatched the book and threw it to Spock. "Think you need some supper yourself, mister. Comeon!" "

The blue eyes brightened so suddenly and completely that it caught Kirk

off-guard. He smiled, realizing instantly that he'd gotten a glimpse of how McCoymust have been in his youth - eager and responsive to love. He grabbed his friend's arm and pulled him from the bed. "Come on, Bones. Up, up! Let's get out of here for a whi1e!" McCoydidn't argue or question - he knew Jim Kirk and his power of persuasiveness. And he secretly enjoyed imagining that his captain might just be sneaking him out against doctors' orders. It was enough to lighten his heart ten-fold. He was a little tense about going to the officers' mess, not exactly sure how much the other officers knew about his illness, but everything relaxed naturally enough once they were there. "Hello, laddies," Engineer Scott said as he pushed his tray next to McCoy. The doctor eyed his heaped tray and his waistline, but said nothing. Scott only grinned at him. "Here, Leonard." He shoved a piece of apple pie onto McCoy's tray and winked at Kirk. "I'm cuttin' down. From now on, no dessert when I'm intendin' to open a new bottle afterwards." McCoyshrugged and started on the pie. And from then on everything

-

. 138

-'",>,_="c."';;~~_~,j_.~~..n _.~~~~~~*""=~=,_. ~~".'~~'~""""""~""'~~""='~""

-~~"'''<#_~~___4'<_~''''~;'''''.'

..=.'-"

-"~~"-"""*-~~;';;"""'.,,""'--

relaxed, as though Scott had already broken open the new bottle. It was a good feeling, not only for McCoy, but for his friends. They had a chance to talk; about ship's gossip, about the next possible mission, about the IIweatherll as they referred to some of the womenon the ship. If McCoywas aware that Kirk and Spock were the slightest bit observant of him, he didn't let on. It was only when they were finishing up their dinner that he became a bit ill at ease. His glee faded as a child's does approaching bedtime, so that he seemed restless, even afraid, Kirk thought as he watched him. IIYouknow, Leonard,1I Scott picked a cold roll from McCoy's plate and pulled it apart. III'm testin' a new brew...wou1d ya care to join me in the officers' 10unge?1I The engineer did not look at Kirk as he spoke, and it was clear enough to the captain that he was not asking his approval. Scott had his own ideas about what was good for his friend and he hurt deeply for him. IISure,1I McCoysaid. IIBut first I want to stop off at the medical 1ab.1I He looked up from his plate, eyes boldly meeting Kirk's. III need to pick

up some tapes.

II

Kirk didn't know whether to be annoyed or not at McCoy's open defiance. The good doctor was making it clear that he was not a dog on a leash, that

he would do what he wanted on this little

outing.

.

IIOkay if Spock and I come a1ong?1I IISure!1I Scott's mood brightened at the thought of the four of them sharing a sip together. But one thing puzzled him. IIYou, too, Mr. Spock?1I The Vulcan said nothing, but he rose to his feet as the others did. Of the three of them, he was most aware of the physician's almost imperceptible changes in mood. He was troubled and curious about McCoy's insistence in going to the lab, knowing he hadn't been there since the attack. Since his meeting with McCoyafter the film he had suspected that there was more to the doctor's obsession with the lab than just his natural drive to work. His hand quickly brushed against Kirk's as they left the officers' mess, a silent forebodi ng. Making it clear that he was not about to let his friend go, Scott joined the three of them, following close behind McCoyas they entered the empty lab. McCoystood off to himself once inside the door, not really noticing as the others filed in. His eyes scanned the empty room with a searching, almost haunting uneasiness. Spock's gaze followed him, wondering what ghosts were or chased away. there before him, waiting to be discovered III'm tryin' to remember, II McCoywhispered. It could have been a statement or a question, or an unfinished sentence. The others held their ground as he moved along the clean lab table, his hand brushing its edge, his eyes searching as if caught between memory and the sight before him. He stopped at the end of the table and stooped down, scooping up a piece of broken glass. IIDamn.1I An unhappy laugh caught in his throat. III'm away for a while and

-

they get sloppy.

This place hasn't been properly cleaned since

11

Kirk stepped forward. IISince what, Bones?1I Scott was beginning to understand what the others were doing. He watched suspiciously, not sure he liked' it, prepared to interrupt. McCoyheld the sliver of glass in his scarred open palm. lilt's a piece of that milk glass, Jim. You know.II III don't think so, Bones.1I IISure,

it's

II

Spock was beside him now; he took the del icate sl iver. IINegative, Doctor. This isn't a milk glass. They're unbreakable. I suspect it is a pi ec e 0f te st tu be . II

i39

McCoystared into his face, puzzled. "Yes." Spock held it up to the light. "Glass test tubes are still needed for some experiments. No doubt that's what we have here." "Of course. II McCoylooked up; it glistened in the light, distorting Spock's face in its jagged curve. "Must have been a test tube." He glanced about with an expression of dumb embarrassment, as if he'd been caught in a 1i e. "We11 . . . never mind . The tapes. I came for some tapes... Scotty, you see any research note tapes lying around? They were right here the last 1 " Suddenly he stopped talking; his breathing became fast and ragged. "Leonard?" Scott began to move forward, but Kirk waved him back. He glanced from captain to first officer, his fists tightening. McCoy's face drained of color, and he stared ahead as if looking at something terrifying, something only he could see. He began to tremble. "Bones." Kirk took his arms; he could feel the tension in the man's muscles tightening in fear. "You want to sit a minute? Everything okay?" McCoywanted to pull away but he couldn't. His heart beat so long and fast within him that it seemed to take over his will. Test tube? He shook his head, trying to clear away his confusion. Kirk was talking to him, but he couldn't respond, he was too busy. He felt the heat of his blood rushing through him, pulsing too fast. What was it? Anger? Fear? And wasn't there pain? Yes, damn...pain...everywhere. He clenched his teeth, doubling over, lost in it. He thought for a moment he heard them calling, but it couldn't be. He was alone, wasn't he? He was always alone here. Always. That was the rule. That was the rule. He crumbled into the agony of memory that had become real. He screamed, he called their names, but he knew they couldn't hear, they would not come. He didn't know how long he screamed because it was too far away and mixed with shame. He begged for them and when they did not come, he begged for the other thing that lay beyond. And in his great loneliness he folded within himself, rushing for that darkness that was death. Welcoming it. His last, only friend. "Bones?" McCoyblinked open his eyes, still breathing very hard, shaking. He realized vaguely that Spock had him in his arms and was settling him onto a bed. Kirk wiped his face with a towel. "Damnit," Scott called from behind them. "I'm getting M'Benga, Jim, this is " "No!" Kirk spun around, his voice burning with anger. "Please, Scott. Weknowwhat we're doing. Don't...interfere." The engineer stiffened, and McCoycould see he was near a fight, but everything else was still mixed up in the blur of some half-known memory. He was in his room, but something was wrong. His reflexes were off and he twisted involuntarily on the bed as if in pain. He reached to Spock, who was now pulling at his tunic and clutched his arm. lilt's all right, Doctor." The Vulcan took his hand and eased him to a sitting position. "I have a clean tunic for yoU." McCoynodded breathlessly, still in the grips of the horrible memory. Test tubes, experimental labs. He couldn't shake the smell of chemicals and vomit and blood. He shook violently, unable to help as Spock pulled the filthy tunic over his head. He felt the shame again, and the terror. But this time, it was real enough to be more than a misty memory. "I got sick...oh...I got sick a lot. Blood, toO." He forced the words .. 140

I I

I

o~t with

towel. it

all

a rasping breath, trying to help as Spock wiped his chest with the I guess...it...the medical 1ab...it brought "A1~ those chemicals.

back. And the lab equipment.1I "I know,1I Spock said calmly, his

Doctor.

IITest

I s ha11 a1ways remember it.

face turned

down.

III remember it,

II

tubes.II--

.. IITest tubes,1I Spock said after him, guiding a trembling arm through the tunic sleeve. IIOne for each of US.II He closed his eyes, recalling the cold transparent coffins the Vians had prepared for them should their experiment IIfail.1I

III remember,

Leonard.1I

141 ..

The tormenting memory took over again, and McCoy's teeth chattered in fear. He sat as Spock drew the shirt over his head, his eyes glazed and unb1i nki ng. II

Damn ,II Scott

hi ssed.

IIYou bastards.

Kirk's face was stone. either. But it has to be.

II

IIHe has to face it, Scotty. I don It like it, Only this time, welre going to be there for him.1I

Kirk's hand fell on the door button.

III have to ask you to leave.

II

IIAye," the Scotsman turned into the hallway, still looking over Kirk's shoulder at his ha1f-consciqus friend. IIIIII leave ya, Jim. But first there's

a word Iid like with you.

O~t here.

II

When the door closed them into the hall, Scott took a deep breath and began. "Ilve half a notion to report this. YouIre making hi~ live that hell all over again. What makes you goddamned sure you Ire doing the right thing?" "I 1mnot.1I Kirk waited until curious passersby walked away. IIBut there are certain things that are tearing at him, Scotty. Things he can't face.

They'll destroy him if we donIt do something. II

Scott nodded towards the door. IIAndthat won't?1I IINo.1I Kirk wasn't sure of what he said, but he knew that he had to bel ieve in what he was doing enough to carry it out. IIYouknow as well as I do, Mr. Scott. A soldier has to confront this sort of thing...or get out." IIAye. II The engi neer nodded. "Neverthe1 ess, Jim, there IS somethi n I I

have to do... for myself as well as Leonard.

II

And before Kirk had a chance to react, his chief engineer decked him with one,.swift blow to the chin. "I trust you'll let me know if there'll be charges," the engineer said, walking off. "Until then, I'll be in the officers' lounge. II Kirk got to his feet and rubbed his chin. He worked his jaw carefully and smiled. Damnbest crew in the Fleet, he thought proudly as he entered

McCoy's room once again.

'..

McCoywas sitting much as he had been' when Kirk and Scott had gone into the corridor. Silent. Trembling. The difference was that Spock now sat in a chair beside him, his hand on McCoy's shoulder. The Vulcan looked up as

Kirk moved beside him.

.

IIHowis it?" Spock shook his head. "Ilve been trying to talk to him. He knows welre here.1I "Bones?" Kirk sat on the bed and reached to McCoy's face. IIHey, Bones? You want to tell us about it? Welre.. .we need to help. II "You can't,1I McCoymoaned, looking defiant through his tears, his hands clenched into white fists. III'm just scared. It isn't your fault, or Spock's.

It

just...happened,

that's

all.

II

.

IIWhat happened, Doctor?" The Vulcan's voice was forced and mixed with emotion. McCoy's face tightened in anger as he groaned, still struggling for air. IIYouknow. Them!II Spock touched McCoy's temple with his fingertips, but Kirk pulled him quickly away. "No, Spock," Kirk insisted. "Wearen't going to use the mind-touch. He's got to do this himself. II He knew the meld was too dangerous. His eyes examined McCoyshrewdly as he pulled the doctor's face around. IIDamnit, Bones. Don't you think it's time you talked? Don't you want us to help? Grow up, mister!1I

142

McCoystruggled free and dropped back to the bed, but Kirk only yanked him up again, his voice loud and impatient. "You aren't a coward,Bones... stop it. We know you were in pain.1I IIJim.1I Spock bit his lip, his own hands trembling as he put an arm around McCoy. "Weill break hini." IIWhoare the monsters, Bones?" Kirk's eyes flared defiantly from Spock to McCoy. "Wherels the pain?1I He ignored Spock's obvious anger and thrust a hand against McCoy's stomach. "Is it he're? Is this where they started in on you? Thatls how me, they 'hurt II they did it to . . me too, you know. But you don't see me comp.... McCoy's hands flew up with a madman's strength and he pulled away from Spock, pushing Kirk to the floor with all his stre~gth. "You goddamn bastard," he yelled, his voice and body shaking with all the terror of his nightmares. He picked Kirk's' head up by the hair and smashed it to the floor. He spit iri his face repeatedly, crashing his head again to the floor. II I I m not some goddamned 1a b animal, Jim! 11m your friend, aren't I? Whydidn't you stop it? Whydidn't you hel p?" He coul d feel Spock behi nd him now, his hands gripping like steel, but he tore even against the Vulcanls strength. "You don't know. Don't tell me you know!" At last the Vulcan's arms stretched around him in a crushing lock. McCoygave in to it, spent, aware that Kirk was angry at Spock for what he was doing. "Finish it, Spock," he whispered. "For godls sake, please...finish it." "I would not do that, Leonard,1I the Vulcan said gently. McCoyshook in his arms, all the fear and anger surging through him. And as Kirk regained himself, Spock turned McCoyin his arms and drew him close in an embrace. "It is good," the Vulcan whispered hoarsely, smiling at Kirk. IIFeel it all, Leonard. Feel what you must feel to be alive again. Scream at us, to be free. We love you." "They hurt me, II McCoysobbed. "I...I'm a coward. I wanted 11 He glanced up apologetically as Kirk's hand touched his head, then gave a sigh and dropped hi~ face once more to Spock's shoulder. "I just...wanted '

'

'

you... to makethem stop. II

"I know." Gently, Kirk took him from Spockls arms and helped him to the bed. "It isn't a sin to hate us for that, Bones." "Right then...I was in too much pain, Jim. I didn't remember things...didn't know. I just believed you didn't care. II Kirk sat beside him, torn between;a need to help and a need to spare Spock 'the 143

, \

rage of emotion that had them all. The Vulcan's face was streaked with silent tears, and Kirk could see the price would be heavy for what had happened here. Instinctively, he knew that Spock would seek his own private way to heal. A Vulcan way. But for now, Kirk's attention fell to McCoy. IIWe're here now, Bones. And we're going to stick with you...this time.1I He wrapped his friend in his arms, holding him almost too tight. IIThey won't get you again, because we'll be here till the last of the nightmares

a're done. II Spock moved behind McCoyand Kirk watched him for some kind of affirmation. He wondered: Is the price paid yet for Minara? He hoped to hell that it was. NowMcCoycould talk, could admit the pain and the conflicting feelings that trauma 'had forced him to bury. He looked anxiously at Spock would he be all right? Then, as if in answer, the Vulcan's hand rested on McCoy's head. lilt's over, Leonard.1I For the first time, Kirk understood just how fine a love Spock's was, and how deep. The three sat together until the pain of the hour was gone, and as McCoyfell asleep in his arms, Kirk smiled thankfully at the alien who was their friend.

-

There are three united in the simplest way A brotherhood. Mind Body Soul One spirit Three destinies An inheritance Qf hope a newborn star They vindicate the future And prophesy of love. M.T. (the Alien)

. . 144