The Great Paste Caper

The Great Paste Caper By d.s. Levy

ACT I Scene 1 (An empty stage. (TEDDY enters.) TEDDY (sighing) Wow, business is bad. Stupid dental association. (TABITHA enters.) TABITHA Oh hey, boss. What’s up? TEDDY Tabitha. Nothing much. Just finished the quarterly report and heading home early. TABITHA How’s it going out there? TEDDY Honestly? We’re way under for the week. I really shouldn’t take any time off--you know, I should stay late and try to figure out why business is so bad--but it’s my mom’s 743rd birthday. She’d be crushed if I missed it. TABITHA I’m sure she’d understand. She can’t get mad at you for working, right? TEDDY Sure she can. She’s my mom. Besides, I’m burned out. You can only spend so much time thinking about teeth before you need a break. Look what happened to Tom! (At the mention of his name, TOM runs onto the stage. He is frantic and nervous, quick in his motions and highly agitated at all times.) TOM You said my name! TABITHA Hey Tom. TOM (ignoring her) You said it. You said my name. Why did you say my name?

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2.

TEDDY I just said it. We weren’t talking about you. TOM Open your mouth. TEDDY Tom, I really don’t-TOM Do it...or else. (TEDDY sighs and opens his mouth wide. TOM peers in, checking his teeth.) TOM Just as I suspected. You have teeth. (TEDDY, his mouth still open, tries to say "Of course I do" but it comes out unintelligible.) TOM What was that? Are you threatening me? (TEDDY closes his mouth.) TEDDY No, Tom. I just said of course I do. Why wouldn’t I have teeth? TOM Ah yes. Very good defense. You have won this round Captain Stringbottom but the war is far from over. We shall meet again or else we will! (TOM pauses a moment, almost aware of the nonsense he’s just spouted, but finally shakes his head and exits.) TABITHA Wow. TEDDY If I ever START to get that bad, tell me to retire, OK? TABITHA You ever get THAT bad, I’ll put you completely out of your misery, don’t worry. TEDDY Thanks. You just starting your shift?

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3.

TABITHA Yep. TEDDY Well good luck. I spoke to Tulip, down in research, and she said that the reason business is slow is because kids have found a way to keep their baby teeth. TABITHA Are you serious? TEDDY She doesn’t have any hard evidence but it’s a disturbing theory all the same. TABITHA Hmph. Why would you even WANT to keep your baby teeth? TEDDY Beats me. I’m beginning to wonder why we need our own teeth at all. Dentures would work just fine. TABITHA Tom would probably steal them. TEDDY Good point. Well, good luck, OK? TABITHA Yeah, thanks. And tell your mom happy birthday? TEDDY Sure thing. (TEDDY exits.) TABITHA Kids keeping their baby teeth, huh? Weird. (laughs) Too much more of that and I could be out of a job! (Suddenly, it’s not so funny. She stops laughing and looks worried. (She exits.) END SCENE

4. Scene 2 (A boardroom.) (Door swings open and OSCAR enters followed by SAM, DELILAH, JACKSON, and various professional looking people. They sit around the boardroom table, OSCAR at the head of the table upstage facing the audience.) OSCAR Thank you all for being here this morning. As you know, our newest product hit the market three weeks ago and stocks have tripled. ALL (passionless) Yay. OSCAR (sincerely) Please try to contain your excitement. SAM I’m sure I speak for everyone here when I say we are truly sorry to have had such an outburst of emotion. The news, you see, is all very exciting. OSCAR Indeed it is. In fact, we are now ready to start phase two of our plan. DELILAH Are you sure? The product has only been on the market for three weeks. How can we be certain that everyone is using it? SAM Delilah has a good point. Wouldn’t we want to wait? Don’t we want to make sure as many people are using our product as possible before we move on to phase two? OSCAR You have a point but the news I’ve gotten is that we are outselling the competition ten to one. (The others look confused.) OSCAR In other words, for every one person who buys another product, ten are buying ours. (The others still look confused.)

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5.

OSCAR Ok, really? What’s so hard to understand about that? DELILAH No, we get it, sir. It’s just that it doesn’t mean much. OSCAR What do you mean? SAM "Ten to one" sounds good but how many people is that? What if some people just aren’t buying this kind of product at all? OSCAR Oh, my dear Sam, don’t you get it? It’s not like we’re selling something no one needs like throw pillows or underwear. We’re selling the single most important product known to human kind! The one product they can’t live without. Without our product, no one falls in love, babies aren’t born, promotions aren’t got, the very fabric of existence as we know it ceases to...ceases to... SAM Exist? OSCAR Exactly! We are not just selling an important product, ladies and gentlemen. We are saving the world! (All but JACKSON applaud in a very business-like fashion.) OSCAR Jackson? Why aren’t you clapping with the others? Weren’t you moved by my speech? JACKSON (clears throat) Oh yes. Of course. It’s just that... OSCAR Just that? JACKSON Well...we’re only selling toothpaste you know. (All except JACKSON and OSCAR gasp. OSCAR rubs his temples.)

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6.

OSCAR My dear boy. We are not ONLY selling toothpaste. We are selling the BEST toothpaste. Haven’t you seen our newest commercial? JACKSON Actually, no, I haven’t but I don’t see why that matters. It’s still just toothpaste. (All gasp again.) OSCAR Maybe you need a reminder of just how special our toothpaste is. Sam, Delilah, go get the commercial. SAM Yes, sir!

DELILAH Right away, sir!

(They exit.) OSCAR I think you’ll see, Jackson, that our product is unlike anything on the market today. (SAM and DELILAH return.) SAM It’s ready boss. OSCAR Excellent. Play it. (DELILAH points a remote to an empty portion of the stage. The lights dim as the "commercial" plays.) (BOY enters. He is dressed in his pajamas, his hair messy. He has just gotten out of bed. He yawns and walks to a sink as VOICE begins to narrate.) VOICE Another morning has dawned and it’s time to brush your teeth. But what’s this? You’re out of toothpaste! (BOY puts his hands to either side of his face and makes an "Oh no!" face.) VOICE There’s no need to fear. Your mom went shopping last night.

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7.

BOY Whew! Mom! I need some toothpaste. (MOM enters.) MOM Here you go, son. BOY This isn’t my usual toothpaste. MOM You’re right. This is new Infinity Paste! BOY Infinity Paste? What makes it special? VOICE We’re glad you asked! (During the following explanation, MOM and BOY make cheesy, over-enthused reactions to the product information.) VOICE Infinity Paste is the first toothpaste of its kind. A result of years of scientific research and animal testing, Infinity Paste will prevent cavities, plaque and gingivitis. It’s so powerful, it will even keep you from ever losing your teeth! BOY What about my baby teeth? VOICE Keep ’em! After all, you only get one set of baby teeth. Why should you have to lose them? BOY Good point, mister! MOM Does that mean you’ll have more teeth to eat your vegetables with? BOY (whining) Mom! VOICE Sure does, Mom! In fact, studies have shown that by keeping our baby teeth, people are happier and more productive. You see, having more teeth means you can (MORE) (CONTINUED)

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8.

VOICE (cont’d) chew twice as fast. Just think how nice it would be only using HALF your lunch hour! MOM I could get a lot more done at work, that’s for sure! VOICE That’s right! BOY Wow, Infinity Paste sounds too good to be true. VOICE It’s real alright. Infinity Paste is made by Continuum, Incorporated. That’s a name you can trust! So make sure you switch to Infinity Paste. You’ll never lose another tooth! MOM

BOY Thanks Infinity Paste!

Thanks Infinity Paste!

(The commercial ends. BOY, MOM and VOICE exit. The lights come back up on the same board room scene.) OSCAR Well? JACKSON You can’t be serious. OSCAR Pardon me? JACKSON You’re telling me that Infinity Paste lets you keep your baby teeth and has no side effects? OSCAR Well, yes and no. JACKSON Go on. OSCAR Sam, explain. SAM Ah, yes, well you see...the thing is...actually... (mumbles something)

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9.

JACKSON What was that? (SAM mumbles again.) DELILAH The truth is, Jackson, that Infinity Paste does indeed let you keep your baby teeth. There ARE a few little side-effects. JACKSON Such as? DELILAH Um...you see...kids who use it kind of...turn into...monsters. JACKSON (emotionless) Monsters. SAM Monsters. JACKSON You can’t be serious. OSCAR Oh, we’re serious. And I’m serious that if you even THINK about telling anyone outside of this room about this, you’ll be sorry. JACKSON What are you going to do, have me put in prison or something? OSCAR Worse. We’ll make you brush your teeth. (Everyone in the room except for JACKSON and OSCAR gasp. One person faints, the idea of this punishment too much to consider.) JACKSON Fine. I’ll keep my mouth shut. OSCAR I thought you might see things our way. OK, so as for phase two. We will wait one month and then put our plan into action. By this time next year, we’ll all be rich beyond our wildest dreams!

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10.

(OSCAR laughs maniacally and the others join him. Only JACKSON does not smile. He looks lost in thought as the lights fade out.) END SCENE Scene 3 (Night on a city street. (COLLETE is walking home from the supermarket. Poking out of her bag is a big TOOTHPASTE TUBE with the words "Infinity Paste" printed on the side. (TEDDY enters. He is wearing a cloak or jacket to hide his wings. He isn’t watching where he’s going and bumps into COLLETE.) COLLETE Hey! Watch it mister! TEDDY Oh, sorry. Right. I...I wasn’t watching. My bad. COLLETE (abashed) No, it’s fine. I’m sorry I yelled. Just...watch where you’re going, OK? TEDDY Yeah. Thanks. (notices TOOTHPASTE TUBE) That’s a pretty big tube of toothpaste you have there. COLLETE Big family. Lots of teeth. TEDDY Right. What kind of toothpaste is that anyway? I’ve never seen it. COLLETE You’re awfully interested in toothpaste. TEDDY Well, I’m kind of in the business. COLLETE Of paste?

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11.

TEDDY Nope. Teeth. COLLETE Oh, so you’re a dentist. TEDDY Nope. COLLETE Ooookay. (There is an awkward pause. Finally, TEDDY hurries on with his question.) TEDDY So what kind of toothpaste is that? COLLETE Um, it’s Infinity Paste. TEDDY Never heard of it. COLLETE You’ve got to be kidding me! It’s only the best selling toothpaste in, like, the world! TEDDY If you say so. COLLETE Ask anybody and they’ll say the same. (JIMMY and SUZY enter. They cross the stage behind COLLETE and TEDDY, talking.) COLLETE Go on, ask them. TEDDY Fine. (to JIMMY and SUZY) Hey, you two. Can I ask you something? JIMMY What’s up? TEDDY My friend here--

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12.

COLLETE Friend? TEDDY Quiet. Anyway, my friend here and I have a bet and maybe you two can help us settle it. SUZY Sure, glad to help. TEDDY OK, can you tell me what is the best selling toothpaste in the whole world? JIMMY That’s easy. SUZY Yeah, you guys actually BET on that? TEDDY Just tell me. What is it? JIMMY

SUZY Infinity Paste!

Infinity Paste!

COLLETE See? Told you so. (JIMMY ans SUZY exit, shaking their heads.) TEDDY OK, so what makes this toothpaste so special? COLLETE It tastes great, for one thing and you never lose any of your baby teeth for another. It’s awesome. TEDDY Wait, what did you just say? COLLETE It’s awesome? TEDDY No, before that. COLLETE Watch where you’re going?

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13.

TEDDY No, after that but before the very last thing you said. COLLETE You never lose your baby teeth. TEDDY Right. But that’s impossible. You have to lose your baby teeth or your adult teeth will have nowhere else to go. COLLETE You would think so but turns out your adult teeth will just grow out of the roof of your mouth. TEDDY That sounds painful! COLLETE Oh, it is, but it’s no worse than teething. Plus, when they’re all grown in you have two sets of teeth. All the better to chew with. It’s cool. I can eat a whole steak in under two minutes. TEDDY That’s...unhealthy. COLLETE I said I COULD, not that I DID. Well, anyway, you should pick some Infinity Paste up. Everyone is using it. (chuckles) Hey, good thing there’s no such thing as the tooth fairy, right? TEDDY (cautiously) What do you mean? COLLETE Well, she’d be out of a job! Take it easy, mister. (COLLETE exits.) TEDDY She’s right. I have a very bad feeling about this. (TEDDY exits as the lights fade to black.) END SCENE

14.

Scene 4 (Dispatch office of Tooth Fairy Headquarters. A group of tooth fairies is gathered. They are talking, nervous and anxious.) TULIP I don’t know why Teddy called us here. TERRENCE Maybe it’s to give us all a promotion. TOM The space bunnies have huge teeth and they eat purple carrots. TABITHA That’s great, Tom. And Terrence, I doubt we’re getting promotions. Just the other day, Teddy was telling me that business isn’t so good. TIK TOK I have noticed things slowing down. Last week I only took in three teeth...for the whole week! I used to pull in a hundred times that many. TOLLBOOTH Just last night I put in a full eight hours and nothing, not so much as one bicuspid. TABITHA See, something’s wrong. (TEDDY enters. He’s holding a tube of Infinity Paste.) TEDDY And I know what the problem is. TOM I knew it. Space bunnies. TEDDY Close, but no. It’s this toothpaste. I checked and sales of this stuff is through the roof. Almost every country in the world is using it. TULIP Ah, that explains it! (The others look at her quizically).

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15.

TULIP (explaining) I was talking to Theo--he’s the guy who runs our Spain devision--and he was reporting that some new product hit the market that kept people from losing teeth; especially children! TEDDY That’s the stuff, all right. We are in serious trouble, my fellow fairies. It looks like we’re out of a job. TILLER I’m afraid it’s worse than that. TULIP How can it get worse? I have expensive tastes and I just bought a new house! TERRENCE And I just put a deposit down on a cruise for me and the family. TEDDY Let Tiller talk. He’s been here longer than any of us. Go ahead Tiller. TILLER Well, you see, it’s all very simple. We tooth fairies only exist because we have a reason. Without a reason, we aren’t needed. TABITHA Wait, you aren’t suggesting... (she trails off) TILLER Yep. If we aren’t needed, we will cease to exist. (There is a moment of stunned silence.) TOM Space bunnies are looking pretty good now, aren’t they? (TEDDY is the first to snap out of their collective shock.) TEDDY OK, we have to do something. TULIP But what can we do?

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16.

TEDDY Well, maybe we can ask the makers of Infinity Paste to stop selling their product. TABITHA We can’t. TILLER That would violate the first law: Thou shalt not contradict adults when they say the tooth fairy does not exist. TIK TOK Besides, even if you showed them your wings and they believed you, you’d wind up as some kind of lab experiment and we’d all be arrested for repeated breaking and entering. TOLLBOOTH Who knows how many houses we’ve snuck into, right? TIK TOK Exactly. TEDDY Well, we have to do something! TABITHA Face it, Teddy. It looks the age of tooth fairies is coming to an end. (TEDDY slams his fist on a table.) TEDDY No! I can’t accept that. There must be a way to stop this...this... (looks at the tube of toothpaste) ...this Continuum, Inc. from making their toothpaste. I have to try! (TEDDY exits, angry.) (The others stare at him, uncertain.) TABITHA He’s right. We have to try. (She sees the others aren’t going to go with her. She shakes her head and exits.) (An uncomfortable silence draws out amongst the group of tooth fairies until TOM speaks.)

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17.

TOM OK, so the space bunnies like cabbage, you see-(The other fairies groan and exit.) TOM What?! No seriously, what? (as he exits) You’ll be sorry! On day you’ll see a space bunny and you’ll wonder what to do and it’ll be like "You look yummy" and you’ll be like "Why didn’t I listen to Tom?!" (His voices trails off as the lights fade to black.) END SCENE Scene 5 (TEDDY enters. He’s wearing his coat to hid his wings. He sees a group of kids huddled around something. Their backs are to him.) TEDDY Hey, kids. It’s pretty late for you all to be out here, isn’t it? (One of the kids turns and looks at him. TEDDY takes a step back as the audience sees this is no boy--it’s a monster!) TEDDY Oh, well, right. I can see you’re all busy. I’ll just head back this way and-(The monsters rush to surround him. They growl and snap at TEDDY, closing in on him, ready to beat him senseless.) TEDDY Help! (A whistle pierces the scene and the monsters look up, terrified of the sound. They scamper off, away from whoever made that terrible whistling sound.) (JACKSON enters.) TEDDY Who are you?

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18.

JACKSON Name’s Jackson. TEDDY Is that a first name or a last name? JACKSON It’s the name of someone who just saved you from being eaten. TEDDY Right, well, thanks. JACKSON Don’t mention it. TEDDY What were those things? JACKSON Monsters. TEDDY Yeah, I could see that. I mean, where did they come from? JACKSON Mommy and daddy monsters. TEDDY Forget I asked. JACKSON No, hey, sorry. I’m just having a little fun. You have to find the humor in things or you go crazy. Those monsters aren’t really monsters, per se. TEDDY What do you mean? JACKSON They’re children. TEDDY OK, now I KNOW you’re goofing on me. JACKSON No, really. They were children until they started using Infinity paste and then, well, you saw what they are now.

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19.

TEDDY How do you know that toothpaste is to blame? It could be anything! IF you’re even telling the truth and they really were children once. JACKSON Oh, I’m telling the truth. See, I used to work for Continuum, Inc. TEDDY Use to? JACKSON What can I say? You make one little threat of going to the media and telling them what Infinity Paste really does and they fire you, take away your private jet, and have you committed to an insane asylum. What reporter would believe me now? TEDDY That’s awful. I’m sorry. But I think you’re better off. JACKSON How do you figure? TEDDY How could you really continue working for a company that turned kids into monsters? JACKSON My paychecks were always on time? TEDDY There isn’t enough money in the world to make some things right. JACKSON I suppose you have a point. But still, I have a PRIVATE JET and now I have to fly coach. TEDDY There are worse things. JACKSON Like what? (TEDDY thinks for a moment before obviously coming to a decision.) TEDDY What if I told you I’m about to lose my job too?

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20.

JACKSON I’d say welcome to the club. TEDDY OK, and what if I told you that when I do, I’ll cease to exist. JACKSON I’d say you’re being a little over dramatic. (TEDDY shrugs off his coat, revealing his wings.) JACKSON What in the world? TEDDY I can explain. JACKSON I’d love to hear this. TEDDY OK, well, it’s kind of like... (thinks) Right, so I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that tooth fairies really do exist. JACKSON And the bad news? TEDDY They won’t exits much longer unless you help us. JACKSON Why me? TEDDY Because you know your way around Continuum, Inc. and I think you want to prevent kids from becoming monsters. And because I don’t have a better idea. JACKSON This is crazy! TEDDY This is serious. (JACKSON thinks it over for a moment before saying his next line.) JACKSON Alright, I’ll help you. On one condition.

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21.

TEDDY What’s that? (JACKSON steps closer to TEDDY and whispers in his ear. TEDDY nods.) TEDDY That can be arranged. C’mon, we have to get the others. (They exit.) END SCENE Scene 6 (The boardroom at Continuum, Inc. OSCAR has called a meeting to discuss phase two.) OSCAR It has been a month. We’re finally ready to begin phase two of our plan. DELILAH I still think it’s too early. OSCAR Delilah? DELILAH Yes? OSCAR Is your name Oscar? DELILAH Um, no...that’s your name. OSCAR And are you the boss of this company? DELILAH Uh...no? OSCAR (yelling) Then I don’t care what you think? Is that clear? We’re moving on to phase two! DELILAH OK, I’m sorry. Sheesh.

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22.

OSCAR Does anyone else have any objections? (Everyone gathered mumbles that they don’t.) OSCAR Good. OK, Sam, would you please explain to everyone here what phase two is all about? SAM Um...yeah...right. Well, phase two is about money. (Everyone perks up at this.) SAM Right...so...the first step is to stop production of Infinity Paste. (Everyone looks shocked and gasps.) OSCAR That’s right, everyone. We will no longer be making Infinity Paste. DELILAH With all due respect, boss...isn’t that a stupid thing to do? OSCAR Not at all. Sam? SAM Right, well, we’re going to introduce new Infinity Paste 2. DELILAH Why? OSCAR This is my favorite part. SAM Because Infinity Paste 2 makes teeth fall out. DELILAH What?! That’s insane! Why would anyone buy that? OSCAR We won’t be advertising it any differently. In fact, we’ll be focusing on the great new taste and the improved whitening effects. People will buy it, trust me.

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23.

DELILAH And when their teeth start to fall out? SAM Our marketing department is convinced that people will not complain. DELILAH Why in the world would they NOT complain? SAM Because they will be encouraged to put their teeth under their pillows at which point we will sneak into their rooms and exchange their teeth for money. OSCAR That was my idea. I’m so brilliant! (to an extra) That’s why I’m the boss. DELILAH Correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t that like the tooth fairy? (JACKSON enters.) JACKSON That’s exactly like the tooth fairy. OSCAR I was wondering where you were. Glad you decided to show up. JACKSON Yes, well, I had to take care of a few things. Don’t worry, I think I caught the important parts. DELILAH Can you believe this, Jackson? I mean, it was one thing when we were turning the kids into monsters. I can deal with that. But making them lose their teeth? That’s just evil! JACKSON Your boundaries worry me. DELILAH What can I say? I’m a complicated gal. JACKSON Oscar, what reason would you possibly have for collecting teeth from children?

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24.

OSCAR Well, you see my dear Jackson, we’re going to open a new division of Continuum, Inc. We’re going to start selling candy. JACKSON Oookay... OSCAR Here, let’s try some, shall we? (He claps his hands and two SCIENTISTS enter. Each one carries a tray of colorful hard candies.) OSCAR Help yourself. (Everyone except JACKSON takes a piece and enjoys it.) JACKSON I still don’t understand why you need teeth. OSCAR (to SCIENTISTS) Would you please tell us the secret ingredient in our candy? SCIENTISTS (together) Human teeth, sir. (Everyone spits their candy out.) JACKSON That’s disgusting! DELILAH Oh goodness, I can’t believe I ate that! SAM I took a piece and I even knew it was made out of teeth! What’s wrong with me?! (SAM puts his head on the table and cries.) JACKSON This is low, Oscar, even for you. You must be stopped. OSCAR Oh please, and who is going to stop me?

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25.

(TEDDY enters, followed by the rest of the tooth fairies. They are not in disguise, their wings plainly visible.) TEDDY We are! OSCAR Who are you? TABITHA We’re the people you’re putting out of work with your big business schemes. OSCAR Riiight. So you expect me to believe you’re real tooth fairies? TIK TOK Oh, we’re real alright. Real angry! TOLLBOOTH Good one, Tok. TIK TOK Thanks. OSCAR OK, good for you. But you can’t stop me. Infinity Paste Two hits the shelves next week! In less than a month, there are going to be a whole lot of teeth to collect and I’ve already gotten approval to collect the teeth we need to make our candy which we will then sell back to the children and Bam! Instant profit! TEDDY Don’t you get it? That’s OUR job! OSCAR (menacingly) Not anymore. (The tooth fairies start talking all at once, complaining and telling OSCAR he’s a monster. TOM says his line as JACKSON quiets them all down.) TOM This is no way to treat cuddly jellybeans! (Everyone turns to TOM with confused expressions on their faces.)

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26.

TOM (abashed) I’m just saying. JACKSON Oscar, I just can’t let you do this. OSCAR You keep saying that and yet I’m pretty sure I’m doing it. There’s nothing you can do. JACKSON Well, maybe the news media could get involved. Maybe they could find out how you turned kids into monsters and plan to feed the rest of them candy made from their own teeth! OSCAR I’m sure that would be bad but do you see any news media here? I don’t think so. There’s no one here to tell the world the great things I’ve done. Sorry. (OSCAR laughs maniacally.) JACKSON I guess you’re right. But just for the record, you don’t deny the accusations I just threw at you? Everything I said is true? OSCAR (exasperated) Fine, if it will make you happy. Yes, it’s all true. I’m the greatest villain of them all. I turned kids into monsters. I’m going to feed them their teeth. And I’m going to make oodles of money doing it! JACKSON Thanks. Tabitha, did you get all that? (TABITHA steps forward, holding out a hand-held recorder.) TABITHA Yep. Every word. OSCAR What’s this? TABITHA Well, it just so happens that my half-sister works for CNN. I called her up and she can’t WAIT to get this tape.

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27.

OSCAR Oh, I see how we’re playing this. Guards, grab her. (No one moves.) OSCAR I said, guards, grab her! (Still, no one moves.) OSCAR (to those gathered) Why aren’t you grabbing her? DELILAH Not really in my job description. SAM I’m more of a reading, bookworm type. I hate physical violence. OSCAR (to extras) What about all of you? (They shrug.) OSCAR Unbelievable. Fine, I’ll do it. (OSCAR gets up and advances on TABITHA. The other tooth fairies get in his way.) OSCAR Get out of my way. TEDDY No. Your rain of dental terror has come to an end, Oscar. Tabitha, get that tape to your sister. It should make for interesting watching tonight. TABITHA Sure thing. (TABITHA exits.) OSCAR You can’t do this! You’ll ruin me! JACKSON That’s the idea. Oh, and Oscar, you’re fired.

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28.

OSCAR You can’t fire me, I’m the boss. (BIG BOSS enters.) BIG BOSS Actually, I’M the boss. (Everyone gasps.) TILLER Who’re you? BIG BOSS I’m the CEO of Continuum, Inc. TERRENCE (pointing to OSCAR) Then who is he? BIG BOSS My son. I’ve been away on vacation and had no idea what he was doing. (to TEDDY) I’m very sorry this all happened. It was always our intention to make Infinity Paste available for adults only. I had no idea that it turned kids into monsters. OSCAR (whining) But Dad! BIG BOSS And as for you! You’re in big trouble when we get home! Now, get in the car. We’re leaving. (OSCAR exits, head hung low.) JACKSON What happens next? BIG BOSS We’ve got a lot of work ahead of us, actually. A lot of damage control. Jackson, how would you like to run things around here? JACKSON That’s tempting, sir, but I’ve recently accepted another job offer. BIG BOSS I’m sorry to hear that.

(CONTINUED)

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29.

(BIG BOSS turns to address TEDDY and the other tooth fairies.) BIG BOSS As for you. Maybe we can work together in the future. After all, tooth fairies and a toothpaste company working side by side could make quite a profit. TEDDY With all due respect, sir, no. Thank you, but it’s better the world goes back to not exactly knowing if we exist or not. BIG BOSS Suit yourself. (to his company) Let’s go, everyone. We have a lot of work to do. (BIG BOSS, DELILAH, SAM, and extras exit.) TILLER Well played, Teddy. Good job, my boy. TEDDY Thanks, Tiller. TIK TOK Yeah, not bad, man. I guess this means we can go back to work, huh? TERRENCE Sweet. I was getting bored. It’ll be nice to be able to buy that stuff I like...what’s it called? TOLLBOOTH Food? TERRENCE That’s it! TULIP Yeah, I could go for a big ol’ cheese burger right now. (The others mumble in agreement and exit. TULIP hangs back.) TULIP (to JACKSON and TEDDY) How about you two? Coming? TEDDY We’ll be along in a moment.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

30.

(TULIP shrugs and exits.) JACKSON Looks like everything’s going to work out, huh? TEDDY Yep. And about our agreement. JACKSON Right. (TEDDY pulls out a pair of wings or goes off-stage to get them. He hands them to JACKSON.) TEDDY You start on Monday. (Lights out.) END PLAY