Tamer Abdelmoamen Writing Feedback 1.docx

Dr Bronwyn Clarke Ortopaedic Surgeon Orthopaedic Department Main Hospital Greenville

17/10/2015

Dear Dr Clarke, Re: Mrs Maria Santini

DOB: 08/01/198448

I am writing to refer Mrs Santini, a 67-year-old widow, who has been diagnosed with a baker’s cyst in the right knee along with worsening osteoarthritis. It would be highly appreciated if you could take over care of her condition.

Although Mrs Santini has two adult children, she lives alone. She has a medical history of osteoarthritis, hypertension and hyperlipedaeima fror which she takes regular medications. Please note, she had undergone underwent a lumbar laminectomy in(2008) and a bilateral hip replacement in (2010). Today, Mrs Santini presented with a six-week-history of severely progressing pain in the right and left knee joints, mostly with flexion and extension. Over the last four weeks, she has experienced restrict joint mobility associated with mild to moderate persistent pain; thus, a referral to a Pphysiotherapist was arranged. Furthermore, her daily life activities have been notably affected and she has been was unable to walk for a short distance, besides she has recently developed a difficulty in climbing the stairs. Therefore, she has sustained conspicuous depression symptoms; consequently, home assessment was considered. Upon examination, there were concomitant crepitations in the right and left knee joints on both flexion and extension. Despite her MRI revealed revealing degenerative changes

Commented [LA1]: There is no need to use the past perfect here as there is no more recent event that you have to differentiate between.

Commented [LA2]: As you used the present perfect before.

Commented [LA3]: Despite + gerund.

consistent with osteoarthritis, there were was no evidences of skin changes, swelling or valgus/varus deformity.

In view of the above, I am therefore referring Mrs Santini for further assessment and management including the possibility of a joint steroid injection. For any queries, please contact me.

Yours sincerely, Doctor

NB: please I need stress on comma positions. I have inserted a comma after ‘distance’.

Writing Grade and Feedback Grade: BThis is a promising first letter which has some strong aspects, including an attempt at a good range of grammatical structures and cohesive devices. The layout of the letter is also appropriate. In addition, all key points have been mentioned. Areas to work on:   

Checking your letter for small mistakes Correct use of the past perfect Writing the address exactly as it appears in the case notes

Commented [LA4]: Uncountable.

Overall Task Fulfillment Introduction structure and focus

Strong

Needs Review

Average

Needs Review

X

Body paragraphs//organisation//planning//word length

X

Conclusion

X

Comprehension of Stimulus

Average

Strong

Focus on main issue

X

Omits non-relevant information

X

Accurate content

X

Ability to summarise & paraphrase

X

Appropriateness of Language

Strong

Average

Formal//objective style

X

Expands on medical acronyms//case notes Use of signal words//time references Control of Linguistic Features

X X Strong

Average

Verb use: active/passive// present perfect//simple past//verb subject agreement X X

Word form & choice (nouns//verbs//adjectives//phrasal verbs) : Control of Presentation Features Letter format Spelling//Capitals//Punctuation

Needs Review X

Use of Articles//pronouns// prepositions//plural/singular form/possessive Sentence structure: compound & complex sentences//balance

Needs Review

X Strong

Average

X X

Needs Review