Staff Meeting Skit

STAFF MEETING SKIT DH – Dr. Hornstein (Jordan G.) GG – Gerry Gunnels (Eason H.) GV – Greg Varley (Mike Gr.) SK – Stephen Kerlinger (Mike G.) TC – Tony Campolo (Rico G.) SC – Scotte Koll (Charlie M.) T – Tom Martin (Jeremy A.) IMC – Idiot Man-Child (Ray W.) (DH in high-backed chair, facing away from the audience. TC is eating cookies, T is absent, seat is empty) *Idle chatter amongst counselors* (DH swivels in chair to face staff and audience) DH:

Gentlemen, let’s get down to business. (Pauses) Where is T?

GV:

He’s overseeing Tommy pack his bags. We wanted him gone ASAP. No need to wait, T should be here shortly.

(TC reaches under table, pulls out an ice cream tub and spoon) DH:

Very well. The first thing I want to talk about is this ice cream extravaganza we have on meeting nights. That is far too much ice cream for our students! They must be bouncing off the walls all night! It simply won’t do. When I was a student, Mrs. Delaney would weigh out our scoops on a triple beam balance, and we were all grateful.

(TC looks up from his ice cream, gesturing wildly with his spoon) TC:

Absolutely, Michael. It’s out of control. This reminds me of my friend Vincenzo, who ran this ice cream shop in Brooklyn…

(GV cuts in) GV:

Tony, please. We’ve talked about this.

(TC looking hurt, goes back to his ice cream) (T walks in) T:

What’s this about ice cream?

(T takes his seat) DH:

Did everything go smoothly with Tommy? It’s a shame we had to get him out, but we couldn’t afford to keep him here with that kind of attitude. I mean business, after all.

T:

Oh, it went just fine. He’s nothing but dust on the trail. When we were packing, his roommate came in, looked at me funny, so I threw him out too. Then it occurred to me that the guys across the hall probably spoke to Tommy from time to time, so they’re gone too. Better safe than sorry. Back to the ice cream. I’d be glad to take it off your hands. I know a guy who can get it off the property, no questions asked.

(Uncomfortable silence) DH:

That…….that would be wonderful. T, I wish you hadn’t thrown out all those students, but I guess they can always come back tomorrow. On to the next order of business, I’ve managed to get together a few more donations, and we need to figure out how best to squander the money.

SK:

How about a second chapel? The first one worked out so well…

GG:

We need a new tractor. We…need…a new…tractor. There’s a new John Deere out, a real beaut, I happen to have a picture with me…

(Reaches into his pocket, passes around a photo) (GV sighs, slumps a bit) GV:

Now Gerry, I don’t mean to stir the turds here, but when will you get off this tractor fetish? We had to fire two part-timers to afford the last one, which still works perfectly well.

GG:

Ain’t that something. Ain’t…that…something.

(DH clears his throat) DH:

Well, I don’t think we’re clearing that up today, but please let me know how we can improve this place. I mean business, you know. We have a new student coming in. Perhaps Stephen can give us some background, since he’ll be his counselor?

(SK stands up, takes off jacket, rolls up cuffs)

SK:

Sure, Michael. Let me start off by encouraging you to take notes on this. This information could save his life, or yours. In fact, what I’m about to say could possibly be the most important thing since the dawn of time. Seriously. Hospitals have started stocking crash carts with my CBT lectures. Anyway, the new student is a 37 year old Caucasian male who presents with opiate addiction, depression, and…

(SC cuts in) SC:

Michael, if we’re getting a new student, I have a student or two who are ready to leave. In fact, I already took the liberty of telling them that they’d be gone by Wednesday.

(Everyone stops, looks at SC, looks away) (IMC walks in, shuffling around, dusting the table) GV:

Charlie, we’re having a meeting. Can this wait until tomorrow?

IMC: Oh…uh…sure thing guys! By the way, I cleaned the coffee maker for you! (Everyone who has been drinking coffee immediately spits it back into their cups) (IMC shuffles out again) GG:

Getting back to this new student, what does he have that we can take away?

SK:

Nothing, Gerry. He’s his own guarantor.

GG:

No trust funds? No family business to dangle in front of him?

SK:

Sorry, Gerry. Nothing like that.

(GG leans back in his chair, hands up, fingertip to fingertip) GG:

Ain’t that something. Looks like my hands are tied, then. You’ll have to tackle this one on your own, Stephen.

DH:

Greg, you’ve been very quiet, is there anything you’d like to add?

GV:

Sorry, Michael. I was thinking about my drive to work today. I was stuck at a red light, and looked out the window only to see a huge pile of manure out in a field. There were flies on it, Michael. If I had gotten out of my truck and gone over there, I could have taken a stick and poked that manure. The flies would rise, Michael. But then I remembered that that’s not what we’re trying to do here. That manure is fertilizer, Michael. We’re all being fertilized. It’s like life is that pile of

cow turds, and we’re the grass underneath. We may be swimming in poo, but by God, will we be beautiful blades of grass in the spring! Fascinating stuff, manure… TC:

You know, Greg, I was in the car this morning. In fact, I spend 25 hours a week in the car, y’know. I think it’s pretty obvious that I work far too hard here. It would be great if we could scale back my hours. I was thinking about putting in 7, maybe 8 hours a week. Too much time in the car, y’know. It’s driving me crazy. I’m too tired to do anything, even dance! And I can dance, y’know. Come to an NA dance sometime, Greg. I’ll be there. On the dance floor. Y’know, dancing.

(TC makes dancing motions with hands and arms) GV:

We’ll get back to you on that one, Tony. We’d have trouble filling your shoes, no pun intended, on the S&R and gambling groups. No one on staff is as toxic as you. The students really relate to that. There’s also a lot to be said for a life lived entirely in the shadow of the Lodge.

GG;

There sure is, Greg. There sure is. Are you…doing the deal, Tony?

TC:

Of course! What is this, an inquisition? I got 27 years clean!

GG:

Do you, Tony? Do you really?

DH:

Gentlemen, please. Let’s focus here. I mentioned our funds before. I’d like to go back to that. Now that the cannon and carriage are gone, does anyone have any suggestions on other things to sell? So far it seems that eBay is far more reliable than intakes for income around here.

SK:

St. Mark’s Cathedral, for one…

DH:

No, we have other plans for it. We’ve been thinking, and since the building isn’t occupied, we’re going to start renting it out for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. Dry parties, of course. Perhaps Tony can be a dancer for the DJ.

TC:

I’ll show them moves they’ve never seen before, baby. Tony’s got the fire, and he’s more than willing to bring it!

T:

You know, if you’d asked me when I first got sober, I’d have told you that my days of wading through cesspits of venality and moral vacuity were over, but I’d have been sorely mistaken. I feel like everyone’s on crazy pills here. Life made more sense when I was snacking on asmador and taking Manhattan’s emergency rooms by storm. There’s a fight on tonight, I’ll see you all in the morning.

(T gets up, dons his coat, sunglasses and hat, walks out)

GV:

Damn, it must feel good to be a gangsta.

SC: You know, I’m still waiting on a response to my earlier question. When can my guys leave? I had Rico pack his bags this morning. It’s not fair to them. GG:

It sure isn’t, Scotte. It sure isn’t.

SC:

This is ludicrous. It’s like Schottinger never left!

(Silence, everyone stares at SC) DH:

We don’t use that word here, Scotte. You know better than that. No one stays here one day longer than they need to. Not one day. I mean it. In fact, when I was told how long people were being kept here recently, I was so shocked, I must have looked like I had seen a ghost!

(TC perks up) TC:

You know, speaking of ghosts, have I told you guys that my house is haunted? True story. I’m not kidding. It’s some pretty spooky shit. By the way, Michael, could you not wear that huge ring anymore? It’s a huge dollar sign to me. It makes me want to rip your finger right off. I used to do that, y’know. Rip gold right offa people. Because I was hardcore. Y’know, on the streets.

GG:

I bet you were, Tony. I bet you were.

TC:

Y’know, I’m tired of not being taken seriously, Gerry. Do you know how many letters I have after my name? Thirty one. Thirty one letters. How many letters do you have, Gerry? Five? And let me tell you about my keys. I’ve got a lot. I’ve got keys to rooms you’ve never heard of. I’ve got alarm codes to people’s houses, man! This is serious stuff, spiritual warfare! So, please, stop it. You’re embarrassing me in front of all my friends.

DH:

Ok, this is going nowhere. Let’s wrap it up for today.

(SC stands up) SC:

Gentlemen, before we leave, let me say this. We spend all day trying to help our students, but perhaps we should be asking ourselves….who will help us?