Sr4 Campus Safety
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the
Subtle Rant
subtletyatbest.blogspot.com Volume 1; Issue 4 April 16, 2009
presents...
...‘cus We Be Livin’ in a Gangsta’s Paradise.
PARKLAND--- Wednesday night police were spotted responding to reports of a shooting on 119th and C St near downtown Parkland. However, students were not notified by PLU's emergency text messaging system. When asked why no one received the text messages, PLU Campus Safety replied, “Well, we sent it.”1 Those lucky enough to have friends who cared, sought refuge in safe places nearby. Some students were spotted diving into recycling bins, where they knew they'd be a priority, while others could be found on the third floor of the library. “But I was there anyways,” said Jonas McBarn. A few scrambled towards Eastvold chapel, knowing it would be the last place anyone would look for a PLU student. “The safest place on campus is TStad gated lot,” explained senior John Collright, who, with a group of 10 others found safety in the gravel lot. After nearly three hours, surveillance cameras finally picked up their presence. “We knew we'd be saved eventually.” Harstad residents noticed a hive of activity as well. “We actually had visitors!” commented first-year Katrina Gears. But they didn't stay long. One male Harstad refugee remarked, • • •
• • • •
“Yeah, it was awkward. I just shut my eyes and hoped for the best.” Two of his friends tried to infiltrate the rumored subterranean tunnels to the Red Square bomb shelters. Unfortunately, their invisibility cloaks wore out and they were apprehended by Filch and Mrs. Norris. “Stupid half.com Marauder's Map,” one bitched. Later that evening, a conduit of aggression was arrested and taken into custody. Evidence at the scene of the crime included a 1 liter Aquafina bottle with a bullet hole through it. “I was just trying to take back the tap,” the suspect said. “I can't say I blame 'em,” commented Deputy Callgary. Psych students were called in to analyze possible motives. One student speculated that, had the gunman come to the 'Free Hugs' event in Red Square Wednesday afternoon, the whole incident may have been avoided. “Every person needs ten to twelve intimate touches a day,” explained Kenneth Byrns. Other possible theories include that the gunman picked up a pistol instead of his TV remote; he thought it was an AirSoft rifle; early night-hunting practice; or, that the shooting didn't actually take place at all… Pacific Lutheran University finally released a statement via email to the campus community at 1:21 am,
Forget walking with a buddy—Don’t leave your room. Ever. Dress in Camouflage. Better yet, invest in a squirrel costume. Neiman Marcuss: $525 (cheaper than 1 summer credit!). Walk only in the middle of the road, shouting obscenities at a rate of at least 3/min and waving your arms. Nobody wants to attack a crazy person. Pretend to smoke a lot of pot. This way, Campus Safety will always be watching you. Graduate ASAP: Risk of exposure to crime increases exponentially with time. Know that you can be attacked at any time of the day. If you have long hair, fasten it in a bun. This way, it’s harder to grab, and you can stash a few extra pencils there, too!
What they Say… Say
What they Mean...
“Safety of PLU students is our number one priority.”
“We know parents are leery of sending their children to Parkland, but look at the pretty blue lights!”
“Sign up to receive text alerts in the case of an emergency.”
“If we get around to sending you a text message, you’ll know there was an emergency.”
“In order to ensure the availability of law enforcement and overall safety of students on campus, PLU employs a Pierce County Sheriff full time.”
Because of the depression, the county can no longer afford to protect all of parkland. Luckily, the rich kids at the private school can pay for their own safety. Sorry rural off-campus.”
“Walk with a buddy when crossing the campus at night.”
“Hopefully the whites of additional eyes will be enough light that we don't have to install more lamp posts.”
“Escorts are available 24 hours for building to building and off-campus shuttle services.”
PLU purchased several hybrid cars in honor of the university’s eco-conscious “green” push. Should campus safety officers not be already preoccupied with peer socialization, these may be available for transportation use…as long as you don’t mind waiting thirty + minutes for a pick up.
1. 2.
Footnotes: Phone-call placed. April 15, 2009. 12:07 am. Email. PLU Campus Safety. To All PLU Community.
canceling the only quasi-declared lockdown. “While details of the incident remain under investigation, it is certain there were blah, blah, blah…” Tony Berger, Director, Campus Safety.2
Tips for Life from Karen Carryapen What to wear: Nothing low-cut. A 50 lb Maglight, Mace and a collared top will do fine. Also, pants that allow breathing room to run in (preferably Carhart or Dickies in black). Oh, and don't forget your allpurpose fanny pack. What to say/do: Don't mention anything about recreational activities that may include or suggest recreational drug use. Also, don't mention what lot you have a decal for—his family will judge you. Where to go: Nothing on the East Side of Pac Ave, no bars, and no house parties. Recommendations: anything on Garfield Street, Perk Central Espresso Stand and Baskin Robbins (neutral zones). Make him drive— but expect to wait 7 to 30 minutes for him to pick you up. Don't mention past parking tickets. After the date: Remember, at the end of a date, they're not waiting for you to initiate a good-night kiss. Sorry honey, they're just looking for the right key for your building.
Incident Occurs [Librarian Declares Campus Lockdown] Breakdown in Communication
Your Friends in the Library
Campus Safety
[“Close” Friends]
(Officers read of the incident on Facebook…)
[“Limited Profile” Friends]
Your Friends Off-Campus Your Mom who was on Facebook and saw the posts from students in the “PLU Network”
You (Dead)
You Your Roommate Your RA/CA Office of the President [Email Notification from Dr. Anderson]
Your RD
Campus Safety
Squirrels Foss Hall Residents © Pacific Lutheran University Policy and Procedures Manual 2008-2009
Subtle Rant
subtletyatbest.blogspot.com Volume 1; Issue 4 April 16, 2009
presents...
...‘cus We Be Livin’ in a Gangsta’s Paradise.
PARKLAND--- Wednesday night police were spotted responding to reports of a shooting on 119th and C St near downtown Parkland. However, students were not notified by PLU's emergency text messaging system. When asked why no one received the text messages, PLU Campus Safety replied, “Well, we sent it.”1 Those lucky enough to have friends who cared, sought refuge in safe places nearby. Some students were spotted diving into recycling bins, where they knew they'd be a priority, while others could be found on the third floor of the library. “But I was there anyways,” said Jonas McBarn. A few scrambled towards Eastvold chapel, knowing it would be the last place anyone would look for a PLU student. “The safest place on campus is TStad gated lot,” explained senior John Collright, who, with a group of 10 others found safety in the gravel lot. After nearly three hours, surveillance cameras finally picked up their presence. “We knew we'd be saved eventually.” Harstad residents noticed a hive of activity as well. “We actually had visitors!” commented first-year Katrina Gears. But they didn't stay long. One male Harstad refugee remarked, • • •
• • • •
“Yeah, it was awkward. I just shut my eyes and hoped for the best.” Two of his friends tried to infiltrate the rumored subterranean tunnels to the Red Square bomb shelters. Unfortunately, their invisibility cloaks wore out and they were apprehended by Filch and Mrs. Norris. “Stupid half.com Marauder's Map,” one bitched. Later that evening, a conduit of aggression was arrested and taken into custody. Evidence at the scene of the crime included a 1 liter Aquafina bottle with a bullet hole through it. “I was just trying to take back the tap,” the suspect said. “I can't say I blame 'em,” commented Deputy Callgary. Psych students were called in to analyze possible motives. One student speculated that, had the gunman come to the 'Free Hugs' event in Red Square Wednesday afternoon, the whole incident may have been avoided. “Every person needs ten to twelve intimate touches a day,” explained Kenneth Byrns. Other possible theories include that the gunman picked up a pistol instead of his TV remote; he thought it was an AirSoft rifle; early night-hunting practice; or, that the shooting didn't actually take place at all… Pacific Lutheran University finally released a statement via email to the campus community at 1:21 am,
Forget walking with a buddy—Don’t leave your room. Ever. Dress in Camouflage. Better yet, invest in a squirrel costume. Neiman Marcuss: $525 (cheaper than 1 summer credit!). Walk only in the middle of the road, shouting obscenities at a rate of at least 3/min and waving your arms. Nobody wants to attack a crazy person. Pretend to smoke a lot of pot. This way, Campus Safety will always be watching you. Graduate ASAP: Risk of exposure to crime increases exponentially with time. Know that you can be attacked at any time of the day. If you have long hair, fasten it in a bun. This way, it’s harder to grab, and you can stash a few extra pencils there, too!
What they Say… Say
What they Mean...
“Safety of PLU students is our number one priority.”
“We know parents are leery of sending their children to Parkland, but look at the pretty blue lights!”
“Sign up to receive text alerts in the case of an emergency.”
“If we get around to sending you a text message, you’ll know there was an emergency.”
“In order to ensure the availability of law enforcement and overall safety of students on campus, PLU employs a Pierce County Sheriff full time.”
Because of the depression, the county can no longer afford to protect all of parkland. Luckily, the rich kids at the private school can pay for their own safety. Sorry rural off-campus.”
“Walk with a buddy when crossing the campus at night.”
“Hopefully the whites of additional eyes will be enough light that we don't have to install more lamp posts.”
“Escorts are available 24 hours for building to building and off-campus shuttle services.”
PLU purchased several hybrid cars in honor of the university’s eco-conscious “green” push. Should campus safety officers not be already preoccupied with peer socialization, these may be available for transportation use…as long as you don’t mind waiting thirty + minutes for a pick up.
1. 2.
Footnotes: Phone-call placed. April 15, 2009. 12:07 am. Email. PLU Campus Safety. To All PLU Community.
canceling the only quasi-declared lockdown. “While details of the incident remain under investigation, it is certain there were blah, blah, blah…” Tony Berger, Director, Campus Safety.2
Tips for Life from Karen Carryapen What to wear: Nothing low-cut. A 50 lb Maglight, Mace and a collared top will do fine. Also, pants that allow breathing room to run in (preferably Carhart or Dickies in black). Oh, and don't forget your allpurpose fanny pack. What to say/do: Don't mention anything about recreational activities that may include or suggest recreational drug use. Also, don't mention what lot you have a decal for—his family will judge you. Where to go: Nothing on the East Side of Pac Ave, no bars, and no house parties. Recommendations: anything on Garfield Street, Perk Central Espresso Stand and Baskin Robbins (neutral zones). Make him drive— but expect to wait 7 to 30 minutes for him to pick you up. Don't mention past parking tickets. After the date: Remember, at the end of a date, they're not waiting for you to initiate a good-night kiss. Sorry honey, they're just looking for the right key for your building.
Incident Occurs [Librarian Declares Campus Lockdown] Breakdown in Communication
Your Friends in the Library
Campus Safety
[“Close” Friends]
(Officers read of the incident on Facebook…)
[“Limited Profile” Friends]
Your Friends Off-Campus Your Mom who was on Facebook and saw the posts from students in the “PLU Network”
You (Dead)
You Your Roommate Your RA/CA Office of the President [Email Notification from Dr. Anderson]
Your RD
Campus Safety
Squirrels Foss Hall Residents © Pacific Lutheran University Policy and Procedures Manual 2008-2009
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