Sleeping Monkeys

Sleeping Monkeys By Liam McCann

SLEEPING MONKEYS - ACT I And I See You A bungalow in the sleepy English countryside, "in the 19th century". The lights come up to see Stephen, dressed in a suit and tie, sitting in an arm chair, reading a thick book. His eyes penetrate the book surface, apparently seeing through it. A highly elaborate dinner table is set up upstage left. The reflection of wine glasses is projected onto the back wall by the illumination of candles on the table. On the back wall of the set, a bookcase filled with several thick volumes of books is precariously leaned. Covers of red and green are further illuminated by candle light. Page sits at the table, also dressed in a suit and tie. He pours himself a glass of wine from the bottle on the table, and takes a small sip from the glass. He then adjusts his tie, before eventually becoming frustrated and taking it off. Silence. Page extinguishes the candle, placing a fireproof cloth over the top of the flame. The light in the room becomes dim, but the two actors are still visible on stage. Stephen continues to read, otherwise motionless. He shows no interest in Page’s actions. PAGE I say, dear chap, what time is it? STEPHEN Hold on, I’ll just look at my wrist. PAGE Did you happen to bring it with you? STEPHEN (Looking at his wrist as if a watch were there.) Yes, I did. It’s currently seven past the hour.

(CONTINUED)

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2.

PAGE Thanks. Where are you off to on this fine night? STEPHEN I was planning on enjoying a quiet night along with the objects of my affection. PAGE Suzy? You plan on spending a night with this young blonde with whom a relationship would be highly discouraged? STEPHEN I’m sorry? I believe you’ve misinterpreted me. I intend on spending this fine twilight confined to this comfortable armchair, reading a fine book. PAGE Which? STEPHEN I’m sorry? I don’t understand. PAGE Which book, fine sir? STEPHEN "In Search Of Lost Time". PAGE Ah, yes, a personal favourite. I do like the way in which it builds tension over it’s three thousand pages. STEPHEN Four thousand. By the way, did you see that fine blonde who was walking through here at approximately seventeen hundred hours? PAGE (Breaking character.) I mentioned her earlier, you bastard. What, didn’t you read the script? STEPHEN But it was so boring! PAGE We should probably stop breaking character. STEPHEN Yeah, but I’m dying for a fag, man.

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3.

PAGE (Suddenly back into character.) Yes, I did see that fine Suzy who walked through at approximately seventeen hundred hours. A gorgeous girl. Perhaps you could marry her. STEPHEN I do not think my wife would approve of that motion. PAGE Yes, but you also did not think your previous wife would approve of you marrying her, did you? STEPHEN She may have. She was a somewhat more indecisive character. But let us discuss this fine young blonde. At this point, Stephen gets up from his armchair, and takes a place at the table at which Page is seated. Page takes another sip from his glass of wine. Steven, wearing a suit and a top hat, enters from stage left. He sits in the armchair and picks up the book which Stephen was reading, reading with the same intent focus. STEPHEN Hello, Steven. STEVEN Hello, Stephen. STEPHEN How’s life, Steven? STEVEN Life is quite alright, dear chap. How is life treating my favourite lord in the entire country, Stephen? STEPHEN Page is quite good, Steven. STEVEN No, Stephen. I’m talking about you. STEPHEN Yes, sir. Page is quite good. He seems to be infatuated with the flower of his desire. PAGE (Snapping out of his trance.) Yes, the flower of my desire, right. She is like a crackling wine in the sunlight of dawn. A delicate spider’s web illuminated by the moonlight’s entrancing (MORE) (CONTINUED)

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4.

PAGE (cont’d) grasp. The blonde hair flickering like a catapillar in a eucalypt tree. (Falls back into his trance.) STEVEN I can see the joy which now envelopes his life like a fine and delicate flower. STEPHEN How exactly does a flower envelope something? STEVEN With difficulty, I’d imagine? STEPHEN Well, yes. I would guess that you were thinking more along the lines of maybe a treasure chest? STEVEN Yes, Stephen. By the way, do you happen to have the time? STEPHEN Well, yes. I’ll just get my wrist out and have a look at it, it’ll have the time on it. STEVEN Is that a new model of wrist? STEPHEN Yes, I bought it in Venice when I went on a trip there with my dearest wife. STEVEN She is no longer with you, is she? STEPHEN Alas, no, Steven. She unfortunately passed away as a result of a knife blow when my hand slipped while preparing dinner for her one lovingly romantic evening. STEVEN What an unfortunate tragedy, really. What time is it dear fellow? You didn’t get around to telling me. STEPHEN I’m sorry, I don’t have my wrist on me. Page, do you have yours? Silence. Page continues to stare aimlessly into the distance. Stephen relights the candle wick, and the room suddenly becomes reilluminated.

(CONTINUED)

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5.

STEPHEN I suppose not. Oh, wait, here it is. (Looking at his wrist.) It’s currently eleven past the hour. STEVEN Thank you, dear chap. STEPHEN What exactly are you here for? STEVEN Well, I live here. STEPHEN Ah, yes, that’s right. I had forgotten. Had you forgotten, Page? PAGE (Awakening from his trance.) What now? STEVEN Had you forgotten about my continued existance, Page? PAGE Well, no. I did realise you were still living here. STEVEN I see. I must ask, dear chap, what is with all of that staring into the distance? STEPHEN He’s fallen in love with the princess on the old hill. STEVEN As in one of those types who is captured by a dragon and placed in the highest keep of the tower? STEPHEN No, that’s 14th century. This play is set in the 19th century. PAGE (Hits Stephen around the back of the head. Quietly.) He doesn’t know we’re in a play yet! STEPHEN (Breaking character.) ...we’re in a play?

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6.

PAGE Shut up! STEVEN (Unfazed.) Well, yes, I suppose you will need my advice on how to approach this...I’m sorry, I didn’t get her name. PAGE Well. Her name is Suzy. STEVEN Interesting. What does she look like? PAGE Well, she’s about this tall. (Gets up from the chair, and pantomines how tall she is, grossly overexaggerating.) And well...she’s just perfect. STEPHEN And yet you never talk to her. STEVEN My lad, how exactly can you gain the support of a fine young lady such as her if you can never gain the courage to soliloquise the feelings you have from her. Silence. STEPHEN Steven, may we have a moment to ourselves to discuss something private among ourselves? STEVEN I suppose you can, I’ll just sit here and have a glass of wine. Stephen and Page get up from their chairs and walk over to stage left. Steven pours himself a glass of wine from the now near empty bottle. The illumination on stage becomes brighter as a result of the bottle being near empty. PAGE (Whispering so that Steven cannot hear, but Stephen and the audience can.) Stephen, I have to ask. You know that word Steven said? STEPHEN Suppose, my dear chap?

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7.

PAGE Shut up, he can’t hear us, why the hell are we in character? STEPHEN Oh, right. You mean soliloquise? PAGE Yeah. Is that even a word? STEPHEN Why do you care? PAGE Because. I don’t want him to think I’m stupid and then pass that message onto Suzy when she comes on stage. STEPHEN So you basically want to outdo him so she’ll fall into your arms. PAGE Basically. STEPHEN Okay, fine. Soliloquise is a word. Can we go back now? PAGE Okay. The two calmly walk back to the table, where Steven is sipping at his wine glass. The two sit down and both instantly start staring at Steven. STEVEN Yes, Stephen? STEPHEN I have a minor disillusion. STEVEN I’m sorry? STEPHEN You seem to be enjoying myself STEVEN Old chap, I don’t seem to be able to follow. STEPHEN You see...

(CONTINUED)

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8.

PAGE Shut up! I can hear her coming! (Page ducks underneath the table, hearing footsteps coming down from above.) STEPHEN Page, what shall I do? PAGE Go and get some tea please, Stephen. Unaware of one another, both Stephen and Steven instantly get up at that point. Stephen walks off stage right, and Steven walks off stage left. A moment of silence passes. Page peers his head out from under the table just as Suzy, in a red dress, walks on from stage left. An utterly gorgeous girl, Page is transfixed, his eyes following her every movement. She walks on unaware of Page’s existance, and takes the final seat at the table. Page disappears under the table again, leaving Suzy onstage alone. SUZY Hmm. It seems that there is no wine left in the bottle. What a shame really. I was really looking forward to a fine claret. She gets up and goes to leave off stage. Page comes up from under the table and quickly sits in his chair, transfixed by the sight of her. She walks off stage left, as Stephen walks back on stage right, holding three cups of tea - one in each hand, one by the skin of his teeth, his lip being burnt the skin. He places all three cups down on the table just as Steven comes in, with three cups of tea on a tray. He places the tray on the table, and plays a cup of tea next to where Stephen placed his cups. STEPHEN Talk about being blown away. STEVEN I’m sorry? STEPHEN (Suddenly back into character.) It appears that Page has been struck over the cranium with a large metal implement.

(CONTINUED)

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9.

STEVEN I hypothesise that he merely was awestruck by a very attractive young lady who made her presence known to this fine gentleman. STEPHEN Yes, I did realise that. I was just attempting to justify the fluid oozing from his mouth. STEVEN Ah, but such fluid is part of life’s strange design, no? STEPHEN Perhaps. Fade out. Strange Design Lights go up. Still in the same room as before, but now daytime. Sunlight beams in through the windows, leaving the silhouette of the window frames on the back wall. Stephen is reading a book, now dressed in a smart shirt and pants. Page starts into the empty wine bottle, tired and with a headache. He continues to stare in a mixture of fascination and disgust. PAGE I miss her. STEPHEN You’ve said that at least.. (Counts on fingers. Slowly.) Four...five...six...seven times in the past twenty minutes. PAGE But I do. STEPHEN Eight. PAGE Why can I not seem to be able to communicate with her? STEPHEN Cause you use alcohol as a crutch in order to build up courage, and then never go through with your heart’s desires. Can’t you just finally take the plunge and go into the sea of uncertainty?

(CONTINUED)

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10.

PAGE Everytime I try, I get held back. STEPHEN And why is that, Page? PAGE It’s because...ssh, he’s coming. Both go back to their previous events as Suzy walks into the room, in a nightgown, hair messed up and tangled, without makeup, as if she just woke up. Page looks on transfixed. Stephen doesn’t raise his eyes from his book as Suzy walks in front of him. She sits at the desk and stays there, motionless. She then gets up and leaves, exiting stage left. STEPHEN Dude, I think your girlfriend’s a bit of a weirdo. PAGE SHE SAT AT A TABLE WITH ME! SQUEE! STEPHEN ...did you actually just say squee? PAGE No. STEPHEN Right. I hear footsteps. PAGE Does that mean we have to talk like Victorians again? STEPHEN Alas, yes. Silence. PAGE Why is there a period of silence put there? STEPHEN Because we’re waiting for Steven to arrive. PAGE You’re Stephen. STEPHEN No, you idiot, the other Steven.

(CONTINUED)

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11.

PAGE Oh, right. And what’ll happen when that happens? STEPHEN Well. He’s trying to steal your woman. PAGE ...since when? STEPHEN I saw them talking. PAGE So? STEPHEN It’s more than you do to her. PAGE No, we have many fine conversations. STEPHEN About what? PAGE Well...we talked about... At this point, Steven walks in, dressed once again in a suit, but this time without the top hat, carrying a telegram. Page and Stephen instantly go "back into character"; Stephen continues to read his book, and Page continues to stare into the empty wine bottle, somewhat more energised but still tired. Steven sits down at the desk with Page, and starts to read his telegraph. STEVEN I see. Chaps, apparently there’s seven people dead as a result of a factory riot in Birmingham. PAGE (Filling a pipe he has pulled from his pocket.) Is that so, sir? I’m deeply shocked by this, they were one of the few groups of peasants to take to the Industrial Revolution. (Goes back into his trance.) STEVEN Yes, but perhaps the men had become disillusioned with the ease at which their products could be produced? Perhaps they had enjoyed the minimal wages at which they worked fourteen hours a day for?

(CONTINUED)

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12.

STEPHEN Proust never worked fourteen hours a day. STEVEN (Does a doubletake.) Who? STEPHEN Proust. What, you’ve never read In Search of Lost Time? STEVEN Alas, I have not. PAGE You’re missing out then, Steven. STEPHEN No, I’ve read it. STEVEN I think he means me, chap. PAGE How correct of you. STEVEN No, I haven’t read any Proust. PAGE I see. You should acquire a collection of his works. They will keep you occupied for the rest of your natural lifespan. I commiserate with the person who hasn’t read Proust. STEPHEN Commiserate? PAGE Empathise. STEVEN Surely you mean sympathise? PAGE Why yes, you did pick up on my mistake. My intended mistake, of course. But yes, to not have read Proust is a true shame. STEVEN Indeed it is.

(CONTINUED)

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13.

STEPHEN I’m almost finished. PAGE It’s four thousand and five hundred pages, Stephen. Are you telling me you have only got two hundred pages to go? STEVEN Well, I haven’t commenced reading it yet. PAGE Yes, I know. You did discuss this with me no more than ninety seconds ago. STEVEN That is correct. PAGE You only have two hundred pages left to go, Stephen? STEPHEN No, three hundred and fifty, Page. PAGE You’ll be finished before the end of the Hundred Years War. STEPHEN That finished some four hundred and thirty years ago, Page. PAGE Did it? STEVEN Yes, it did. I believe you fought in it. PAGE No, that was Crimea. STEVEN I am mistaken. I plead for a forgival. PAGE Yes, you are forgiven. STEVEN Well. It is that time of morning again. I must be off, chaps, I have to go to the local stock exchange and find a way in which to maximise my profit margin.

(CONTINUED)

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14.

STEPHEN You’re going to find a way to foretell the future? STEVEN ...no. Profit. STEPHEN Yes, a prophet is someone who foresees the coming events of this fine land, no? STEVEN No, money. STEPHEN We have none. STEVEN Yes, that happens to be the reason why I am leaving this place. To go and get money. PAGE Please do. We’re running rather short. Steven gets up from his chair, picks up his telegram, and leaves stage right. Page starts to sniff from the top of the wine bottle, his eyes lighting up as he does so. Stephen continues to read his book. After a few moments, he realises he is actually reading from a dictionary. He reads some random definitions, then puts the dictionary down and goes to the bookshelf at the back of the stage. Page sits motionless, staring out. Stephen pulls out a very large book from the bookshelf, and sits down in his arm chair with it. From stage left, Scott, a rather tall blonde male enters, and takes a seat next to Page at the table. SCOTT Been good so far, hasn’t it? PAGE ...I’m sorry? I don’t believe you are articulating the intentions of that sentence to a degree at which it can be understood by alternative members of the human race? SCOTT The play. It’s been good so far, hasn’t it? PAGE ...I still don’t quite understand.

(CONTINUED)

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15.

SCOTT Oh, come on. I’m the director. PAGE What on earth are you on about? SCOTT I’m the director of this thing you seemingly call life. PAGE So you’re saying that you’re the person who directs us on how we act in our daily lives. SCOTT Exactly. This is all a facade, anyway. Fade out. What’s The Use? The same setting. Mid afternoon. Page is still sitting at the desk. He hasn’t moved since the revelation at the end of the last scene. Stephen is still reading in the armchair. Likewise, he has not moved since the end of the last scene. STEPHEN So. PAGE Shut up. STEPHEN Have you come to terms with the fact that your life is entirely a lie? PAGE Come on. What do you think? STEPHEN You’re just fuming over the fact that you can’t get Suzy, aren’t you? PAGE Yep. At that moment, Suzy comes on stage, in a slightly oversized T-shirt. She sits at the desk with Page and grabs the empty bottle of wine. She inspects it carefully, and then puts it down.

(CONTINUED)

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16.

SUZY Hi. Page continues to stare aimlessly into the distance. SUZY Um. Hello? STEPHEN He’s in a trance. SUZY Um. Okay. Why? STEPHEN I would guess because he’s thinking of a pretty girl. SUZY His girlfriend? STEPHEN Nah. He sees this pretty girl walking around all the time. And never has the guts to actually say hello. Because he’s one of those types who is neurotic about the consequences of his actions and thus cannot find the guts to say hello. SUZY Oh. So he’s like most guys. STEPHEN No. SUZY Knew it. Where’s the director, anyway? STEPHEN Oh, yeah, and I think I should tell you he’s one of those sorts of people who’s kind of a method actor. For example, he got introduced to the director earlier this morning and hasn’t moved from that chair since. He’s in a sort of state of shock. SUZY Oh. Okay then. That’s normal. STEPHEN Well. Yeah. This place is slightly unusual. I mean, we’re in a 19th century English manor for one.

(CONTINUED)

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17.

SUZY I see. I came to audition for the role of the pretty girl. STEPHEN So that’s why you were around here over the past day or so? SUZY Right. STEPHEN But yeah. Scott will be here in a minute, I guess. SUZY Mmkay. I’ll be back then. I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name? STEPHEN I’m Stephen. Not to be confused with Steven. He’s a real tart. And he’s Page. SUZY Okay, I’m going to go and find the director now. See ya later, Page and Stephen. Suzy walks off stage left. Page continues to stare aimlessly into the distance. STEPHEN Hey, Page, I’m going now, okay? Don’t kill yourself. Oh, and that girl is pretty cute, so good choice. Stephen gets out of his chair and starts to walk off stage. He stops briefly to look back at Page, then walks off stage left. The lights begin to dim as Page continues to stare aimlessly into the distance. PAGE (Slowly. As if coming to a realisation. A strange mixture of happiness and sadness.) She knows my name... Fade out. End Act I.

18.

IT’S ICE Destiny Unbound Once again in the same place. Night have fallen. The silhouette of the moon is projected on the back wall. Stephen is yet again reading in the dark. The thick book is starting to fall apart. From stage right, Steven comes on stage, holding a candle. He places one on the table, and then walks back offstage. He returns, carrying a different telegram from before. He sits at the table. Stephen does not look up from his book. STEVEN Intriguing. STEPHEN What is? STEVEN There’s talk of an election in Birmingham. STEPHEN ...aren’t we a monarchy? STEVEN Well. That’s the intriguing part. Despite being at our core a constitutional monarchy, they are intending to have an election to nominate some political leader who will then run the townSTEPHEN City. STEVEN I’m sorry? STEPHEN I consider Birmingham a city. STEVEN Chap, I do believe that the populace standards by which society categorises the size of communities would very easily classify Birmingham as a town. Surely you are familiar with this? STEPHEN Yes, by jove, I am familiar with the populace standards that society uses to class it as a town. But surely you have to take into account the technological and economical standards of the town too? Birmingham is a (MORE) (CONTINUED)

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19.

STEPHEN (cont’d) very technologically advanced town, and has taken very quickly to the industrial advances that have been provided in the past seventy years, especially compared to other towns on this island. As a result it has become quite prosperous and a desirable place to live, despite the pollution due to the immense amounts of factories. Surely this economic and industrial advancement rates higher in the classification of what sort of community it is than some random number of people? STEVEN Oh yes, this economic prosperity is surely an argument in your favour. However, could not any town erect a few large buildings and therefore become a city? STEPHEN I disagree. This argument is absurd. Let’s stop now. STEVEN Agreed. Page walks on stage, carrying a cup and saucer. He sits at the table, and takes a sip from the cup. He then looks at the cup confused, as if an alien had just been dropped into the cup. STEVEN You look slightly confused, Page. PAGE I have no idea why I’m drinking this. It just materialised like an unexpected Crimean cavalry charge. STEVEN There was one of those actually, happened a few days ago. Some horsemen ran down and got themselves killed. PAGE Did they come to any harm, Steven? STEPHEN No, Swann’s Way was the first volume. PAGE I was referring to the man sitting at the desk with me. STEPHEN Oh, my apologies.

(CONTINUED)

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20.

STEVEN Yes, apparently some of them lost their heads. PAGE They couldn’t handle the stress of the Russians throwing halberds at them? STEVEN A flying halberd usually makes somebody lose their head, no? PAGE I suppose so. (Pause.) How would a flying halberd make someone lose their head? STEVEN A halberd has a large blade, yes? PAGE Chap...it all makes sense now. STEVEN You’ve grasped the concept of decapitation? PAGE I believe so. STEPHEN Oh, this is a joyous occasion. PAGE I’m sorry, Stephen, chap? STEVEN I didn’t say anything. PAGE No, not you - the Proust nerd. Stephen, enraged, gets up from his chair, dropping his book at his feet. He goes to attack Page, who rises from his chair and backs away. Stephen then starts to chase Page around the table. The two make a few circuits of the table, and eventually Page runs off stage left, Stephen following. Steven is left on stage, confused. Silence.

(CONTINUED)

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21.

STEVEN (To himself.) I must inquire. Would Page be inconsolable if he were to have lost the acquisition of this cup of tea. Silence. STEVEN If there is any objection to my fine self consuming this elegantly made cup of tea, let it be known now. STEPHEN (Heard from backstage.) I’LL KILL YOU FOR INSULTING PROUST YOU NOZZLE DRINKING MOSQUITO! STEVEN It seems that Stephen is in a slightly irritable mood at this present point in time. I will have to sate my thirst while he continues in his irritable rage. PAGE (Also from backstage.) WHY ARE YOU GOING TO MURDER ME WITH A RUSTY SPOON? I’M NOT THE ONE WHO HADN’T HEARD OF PROUST, GO AND MURDER THE OVERSIZED MOSQUITO OUT THERE! STEVEN I don’t see any over sized mosquito out here. Perhaps Page is discussing some other "out there?" From stage left, Suzy, wearing the same oversized T-shirt as before. She rubs her eyes. Steven glances at her once and is instantly smitten. She sits in Stephen’s armchair for a brief moment, and picks up the very large book he was reading earlier, with some difficulty. She opens the front page and begins to read. Steven stares at her during this, something she doesn’t notice. SUZY Who is this Proust chap anyways? Silence. SUZY I mean, this book is so damn heavy, I can barely lift it. And it’s so thick! It’s even thicker than my ex-boyfriend’s head! Oh, he was a wildcard in life’s deck. Didn’t fit in with the rest of the cards. When he went on his inane little discussions about how he was going to climb this hill using only his left big toe, it drove me insane! Oh, and the way he gave me (MORE) (CONTINUED)

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22.

SUZY (cont’d) patronising and disgusted looks. He never treated me with the respect other people seem to give me. Silence. SUZY I might read the last page of this. See if it’s any good. Suzy attempts to turn the book to the last page. However, due to the weight, this is impossible in one motion. SUZY Bloody Proust, always making life difficult. Suzy walks back off, stage right, leaving the book on the armchair as she does. Steven continues to stare at where she was. PAGE (Coming onstage from stage right. Stephen follows.) And so you see, I’m totally infatuated with her because of the way her toenails reflect the light of a Rivera sunset. STEPHEN I see. Why is Steven drooling? PAGE You’re not drooling. STEPHEN What? PAGE You’re not drooling. STEPHEN Okay, that was just silly. It was such a case of "five sir? No, three!". PAGE Shut up, that’s not meant to have been written yet. STEPHEN Oh, bugger, have we ruined the facade of being on stage?

(CONTINUED)

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23.

PAGE Yep. Ah well. Steven’ll be pissed. STEPHEN I think he’s in a trance. PAGE What a shame. Does that mean we won’t have to talk to him? STEPHEN This is a disappointing prospect. STEVEN (Breaking from his trance.) Yarr, me mateys! I saw a fine wee lass on this here deck and I be decided that we are going to raid her booty! PAGE Steven, why exactly are you talking in pirate speak? STEPHEN I’m not. PAGE Man, will you stop doing that? It’s becoming a cliched joke. STEPHEN Well, I’m sorry. What do you suggest we do to prevent confusion in the future? PAGE I dunno. How about we give you guys a number or a nickname or something? Like, he can be Pirate Steve and you can be normal Steve. STEPHEN Stephen. STEVEN Yarr, what do you be wantin? STEPHEN Shut up or I’ll make you walk the plank. STEVEN (Cowering in fear.) Landlubbers.

(CONTINUED)

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24.

STEPHEN No, Page. It has to be Stephen. PAGE (In disbelief.) What. STEPHEN It has to be Stephen. STEVEN Yarr, what do you be wantin? STEPHEN Shut up or I’ll make you walk the plank. PAGE You already said that. STEPHEN (Disbelief.) What. PAGE You already had that exchange. Someone says StephenSTEVEN Yarr, what do you be wantin? PAGE Shut up or I’ll make you walk the plank. STEPHEN You already said that. STEVEN (Enthusiastically, as if he just realised the trick.) Yarr, I do be saying, lads...what? PAGE AND STEPHEN (Disbelief.) What. Silence. STEVEN Well, yarr. I be excited because I saw a pretty lass from the top of the mast. (Page does a doubletake. Stephen continues staring.) And when be a young pirate be seeing a purty young lass, his plank tends to get long and hard much like be his wooden leg. (CONTINUED)

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25.

PAGE ...let’s get rid of this pirate problem first. (Fade out.) Silent in the Morning Once again in the living room of the bungalow. Morning. Steven is lying slumped over a chair, still dressed in his suit, unconscious, torso lying on the floor, legs hanging in the air. Stephen is still reading the over sized book from before. He is now wearing glasses, but retains the tidy shirt and pants look of before. Sunlight’s reflection bounces off the back wall. STEPHEN Hmm. Only three hundred and twenty pages left to go. At this rate I’ll be done before the end of the week. Silence. STEPHEN Steven. Silence. Page walks onstage. He takes a seat next to Steven’s comatose body. PAGE He been drinking? STEPHEN Naw, he was acting like a pirate, remember? That stuff takes it out of you. PAGE I’m sure it does. All the swashbuckling. Steven starts to stir from his unconscious state. He falls off the chair, his legs hitting the ground. He lies on the ground for a few seconds, and then struggles to his feet. He sits at the table and brushes himself off. Page stares at him. Stephen continues to read. STEVEN Hello chaps. Silence.

(CONTINUED)

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26.

STEVEN ’Tis a fine morn, is it not? PAGE Why, yes, it is, my lord. I must inquire about one aspect of yesteryear, though. If that inquisition is approved by you. STEVEN Well. I suppose it would be incredibly rude and protective of myself to decline your kind invitation, so be as interrogative as you please. PAGE My chap, I do have fine reason to believe that you were enunciating like one of those horrible barbarians who have found their ways onto the fine shores of Britain for the sole reason of illegal acquisition of treasure and valuables? STEVEN I’m sorry, lad, I don’t understand. PAGE I do believe that you are one of the few who take part in the practice those a part of the cult call "swashbuckling". STEVEN You’re talking hogwash, my fine chap. PAGE I SAID YOU WERE TALKING LIKE A PIRATE. Silence. STEVEN No I wasn’t. PAGE I’m definite, chap, you were. STEVEN I believe you’re mistaken. PAGE I do have persons who were witness to this event. STEVEN Are you referring to the gentleman sitting in the armchair?

(CONTINUED)

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27.

PAGE His name just so happens to be Stephen. STEVEN No, I’m the one you’re arguing with. PAGE ...what? STEVEN I’m Steven. PAGE No, the other one. STEVEN Oh, you mean the one who’s constantly reading that piece of literature you heathens call Proust? PAGE (Sarcastically.) Yes. STEVEN Oh no, he definitely didn’t see it. You didn’t see me talking like a pirate, did you Stephen? PAGE Stop talking to yourself. STEVEN I’m sorry, old chap? PAGE You’re talking to yourself. STEVEN ...no, I was discussing the matter with the man reading that awfully long book in the armchair to the other side of the room. If I were to articulate my words to myself, I’d say "Was I talking in a timbre reminiscent of a pirate, Steven?" PAGE ...I don’t see the difference. STEVEN It’s from the dialect of the Napoleonic veterans. PAGE Perhaps you intended the Crimean veterans?

(CONTINUED)

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28.

STEVEN Yes, you’re right, old chap. Silence. PAGE I forget what we were having a tea party for six hundred pages over. STEPHEN Three hundred and seventeen. PAGE I’m sorry? STEPHEN Three hundred and seventeen. Pause. STEVEN Old chap, three hundred and seventeen elephants? Three hundred and seventeen lobotomies? PAGE (Aside, to the audience. Totally breaking character. The other two are unaware of this, and continue their discussion about three hundred and seventeen while this happens.) I wish someone would give him a lobotomy. I mean, come on. This whole "I’m going to talk in different and increasingly strange dialects" joke is really getting old. First a Victorian male, then a pirate, what’s next, a stoner? At this point, Scott comes on, in casual dress, holding a clipboard. The two Stevens continue on in their discussion about three hundred and seventeen, unaware, as he takes a seat next to Page. PAGE Erm. Hello. SCOTT Allo. Been good so far, hasn’t it? PAGE What has?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

29.

SCOTT The play. PAGE Oh, right. Um, yeah, aside from the fact that there’s one character who’s constantly reading Proust, which gets slightly annoying and makes it kinda hard to make new and inventive jokes. SCOTT Erm. I’ll see what I can do about that. (Flips through the clipboard.) Which page are we up to? PAGE I think this is page 29? SCOTT Page 29, eh? PAGE Yeah, page 29. SCOTT (Flips through the clipboard.) Sorry, mate, don’t have that page handy with me. I only have the page where Plankie attacks Suzy. All instantly stop what they’re doing at that point and stare at Scott. An uncomfortable silence goes on for a few moments. And then a few more. And then suddenly, the two Stephens go back to their argument much like before. SCOTT Man, you’ve got to explain that one. Who exactly is this Suzy chick? PAGE ...aren’t you the director? SCOTT So? You say that as if it means I have ANY control over "my" actors or "my" production. PAGE ...touche. SCOTT But no, I don’t know how I can fix the Proust problem, but no, Steven doesn’t become a stoner.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

30.

PAGE Also, can you tell me why he started talking like a pirate? SCOTT Sure can. Long silence. PAGE ...are you going to? At this point, Scott is borderline comatose dribble is coming out of his mouth, and he is snoring. The two Stevens are now offstage, their argument having escalated to the point of threatened physical violence. PAGE Scott. (Louder.) Scott. (Screaming.) SCOTT! SCOTT (Waking from his doze.) What? PAGE Are you going to tell me why Stephen is talking like a pirate? SCOTT He’s not, he’s obsessed with Proust. PAGE No, I was talking about the other one. SCOTT No, the script says you were talking about him. Look, it’s spelled with a ph. PAGE ...fine. Are you going to tell me why STEVEN is talking like a pirate? SCOTT Sure. Silence.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

31.

PAGE ...well? SCOTT What? PAGE Are you going to tell me now? SCOTT Hahah, no. PAGE Why not? SCOTT Cause. Can’t you see I’m deriving some sick enjoyment from this? PAGE ...touche. Hey, where did Proustboy and the landlubber go? SCOTT It’s the twist. They’re actually going to forment in the Rivera sunset. PAGE That would be kinda hot. Being under the sun and all. (Pause.) Do you have ANY idea what you’re on about. SCOTT I’m a director, what do you think? PAGE ...touche. Tell me the ending then. SCOTT What? PAGE Tell me the ending. Do I get the girl or not? SCOTT I’ve already said it. PAGE Said what? SCOTT What I would answer that with.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

32.

PAGE "I’m a director, I’m incompetent, I do nothing and yet grab all the glory, like Kubrick?" SCOTT ...touche. Anywho, I’ve got to go. Girls to smell, wines to have interesting conversations with. PAGE (Does a doubletake.) Don’t you meanSCOTT No, lad. I know what I mean. There’s nothing you need to correct me about. I’ll be off then. See ya around. Scott gets up from the table and walks off stage left, leaving Page alone onstage. A moment of silence. Suzy comes on from stage left. Walking slowly, she carries a cup of coffee. She is dressed once again in the oversized T-shirt from before, her hair is once again messed up. Page looks at her briefly and then takes a swig from the empty wine bottle. He is so transfixed on Suzy that in doing so, he manages to throw himself off of his chair. Suzy giggles. Page regains his composure and gets up, sitting back on the chair. PAGE (Extremely nervously.) Um. Hi. SUZY Hello. PAGE Um. Uh. Would you like a pineapple? (Page pulls a pineapple from his pocket.) SUZY Why, I’m flattered. I’m sorry, I can’t take it though. I already have a pineapple. (Suzy also pulls a pineapple from her pocket.) PAGE (Stunned silence.)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

33.

SUZY So...um...I’m sorry, but I really have to go. It’s been nice to meet you, and I’ll see ya around, okay? Suzy gets up and walks off, stage right. Page puts his head in his hands, and stares out at the audience. Fade out. The Wet Whistler In the kitchen of the bungalow. There is the typical kitchen appliances balanced on the counters that line the perimetre of the set. In the middle is a large table, designed for serving and eating. Running on from stage left is Steven, carrying the extremely large book of Proust. He runs across the stage. Stephen then runs onstage, chases Steven offstage right. Silence. Steven then runs back onstage, tripping over as he does. The book crashes into the table as it does, a thunderous thud as it does. Steven quickly regains his composure, and regains possession of the book. He hides behind the table as Stephen runs across the stage, wielding a pineapple. Stephen runs offstage, screaming. Steven emerges from behind the table just as Stephen runs back onstage, still wielding the pineapple. Steven screams in terror, still carrying the book. He runs back offstage right. Stephen, instead of running offstage, has an idea. He stands by the entrance at stage right, wielding his pineapple like a knife, stalking the shadows like a jaguar stalking a Siberian hamster. Several seconds pass. The moment gets longer and longer. Rustling is heard backstage. A door being slammed shut. Finally, after what must seem like an eternity, Steven runs on from stage left, still carrying the book.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

34.

He comes to a sudden, screeching halt when he realises that Stephen is stalking the stage right entrance. The momentum is such that when Steven stops running, the weight of the book hits him so hard that he is knocked off his feet, the book coming down on his chest. Stephen screams. And again, this time louder. Steven quickly regains himself, and runs back off stage left. Stephen throws the pineapple at him as he does, then opens the fridge door. He pulls out a selection of fruit and runs offstage, screaming hysterically. Fade out. Swept Away A continuation from the previous scene. Steven runs on stage left, and drops the book on the armchair. (He then runs off stage left.) Scott walks on stage, picks up the book, places it gently on the floor, and opens the book. He begins to read, starting at the first page. After a few sentences, he notices the bookmark near the end of the book. SCOTT Hmm...someone else’s bookmark. I wonder what it’s there for. (Pause.) Well. It’s useless to me, and as you all know, if it’s useless to me, it’s useless to everybody. (Pause.) Wait, who’s you? Am I even talking to anyone? Man, those pills make me see people outside that wall. Hmm. (Pause.) Well. This bookmark is useless, isn’t it? I mean, it’s not like this is a long book or anything. Whoever’s book this is can probably find their page in a couple of seconds anyway, it’s not like the book is in perfect condition or anything. Nobody will notice if I just (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

35.

SCOTT (cont’d) read it for a little while, get a grasp of the story and then just leave it here for the unsuspecting owner to continue, all things considered. (Pause.) Oh, wait, yes it is. (Pause.) Wait. Someone could dust this book for like, fingerprints or something. I have to take precautions. Be right back, my dear audience. (Pause.) Audience? Am I being watched? Are there security cameras in here? Is there some world famous director like Kubrick watching me as I make my debut performance on stage? Oh, that would be a diaster, wouldn’t it? Someone watching me direct this ever-more confusing operatic aria. (Pause.) Wait. An aria is a song, usually the highlight of any given opera. Why exactly would I be directing it? Would I not be better off directing the physicality of kabuki theatre? (Pause.) Anyway. I must go and get gloves so I can read this. Scott goes off stage left. Silence. A few moments later, he comes back on stage, wearing a bright pair of gloves. SCOTT And now to dig into...Proust. But first, to remove this bookmark. It’s starting to annoy me. In a highly stylised moment, he goes to remove the bookmark from the book, dramatically. Stephen sprints on stage, tears the book from his hands, beats Scott around the head with it, and runs off the opposite side of stage. Scott is dazed for a brief moment, and then looks at the direction in which Stephen ran off in a mixture of awe and confusion. Page casually walks on stage, still dressed in his smart clothes. He’s carrying a clipboard of the script in one hand, and a sandwich in the other. He takes a seat at the desk and begins to read. Scott continues to stare at where Stephen ran off stage. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

36.

Steven runs on, completely out of breath, sweaty, with hair messed up. He collapses centre stage and heavily breathes. STEVEN My dear chap, I must ask. Is that barbaric soul gone? PAGE (Munching on his sandwich.) Depends. Did you steal his Proust? STEVEN My gosh, I was only attempting to understand the sophisication of his writing! PAGE Didn’t answer the question, Steven. STEVEN No, he’s the one running after my innocent soul. PAGE No, not him, you. Did you illegally acquire his beloved book? STEVEN ...yes. PAGE Do you still have possession of it, lad? STEVEN Alas, no. I left it on that damned armchair for him to find. If only he weren’t so gosh darn barbaric. My toes hurt from what he did to me! PAGE And it’s not in the armchair. STEVEN Well. No. PAGE Then he must have it, no? STEVEN Well...my chap...yes. PAGE Exactly. So you can run off now. He’s not here, so he’s sure to be somewhere else. And so you can now leave, because he won’t be back. That I can assure you.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

37.

STEVEN (In resignation.) ...fine, chap. I’ll go. But I expect compensation if he kills me. PAGE Whatever. Steven slowly limps offstage, exhausted. Scott has not moved. He continues staring at where Stephen ran off stage. Page continues to eat his sandwich in silence. Scott finally awakes from his trance, but is still in shock from it. SCOTT ...what just happened? Page finishes his sandwich. He gets up, picks up his clipboard walks over to Scott. He drops the clipboard in Scott’s arms. PAGE Page thirty seven. Get reading. Maybe you’ll have some idea about actually happened in the production you’re meant to be directing. Have fun. Page walks off stage. Scott stares in disbelief as he does. He then takes a look through the script. SCOTT At least I won’t need a bookmark. Fade out. Lullaby Back in the room. Nighttime. The silhouette of the light of the night bounces against the stage. Suzy, dressed in the oversized T-shirt, is sitting at the table with a glass of wine. She takes a long, slow sip from it. Stephen walks on stage, in shirt and long pants, and starts to read. He reads for a few moments before realising that his corner of the stage of dark.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

38.

He gets up and turns a lamp on. The light that enates from this lamp eradicates the stage in a bright wash. Suzy takes another sip from her glass of wine, licks her lips, and then gets up from her chair. SUZY Stephen, it’s late. Why don’t you go to bed? STEPHEN Because you’ll get attacked by bears. SUZY ....really. STEPHEN Hey, that shit happens. SUZY I’m...sure it does. STEPHEN So no, I can’t go to bed. I have to stay up here and protect you from the psychotic bears. SUZY Why do you keep reading that book anyway, and you’re the fourth person to offer to protect me from the bears. STEPHEN Because. I keep losing my page. And it’s four and a half thousand pages long. It takes a LONG time to read back through. SUZY I mean, it’s not like I’m that hot. STEPHEN Especially Swann’s Way. Being the longest of the volumes, if you lose your page in say, volume five, it takes AGES to go through the book to get back to your page. SUZY Is it the hair? STEPHEN I mean, Proust is an amazing writer, nobody can realistically deny his literary skills, but he does get on one’s nerves on occasion. The way in which a whole sentence can take up paragraphs in Kafkaesque fashion (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

39.

STEPHEN (cont’d) can be annoying. However, he is still a writer of great prowess and so I DO believe that he is the greatest writer of our time. Silence. SUZY Nobody cares about Proust. STEPHEN Yeah, it’s fundamentally because you’re hot. Silence. SUZY Well, this sure is an awkward moment. STEPHEN I think we need someone else around. I wonder what Page is doing. SUZY Probably sleeping? STEPHEN (Aside.) Or pining over you. SUZY What? STEPHEN Nothing. At that moment, a large character in a bear suit pokes his head out from the stage left entrance. Stephen’s eyes open wide, and he suddenly becomes desperately afraid. SUZY What did you say about Page abo-why are you scared? STEPHEN B-b-b-b... SUZY Stop stuttering. At that point, Steven, in a bear outfit, runs on from stage right, and spear tackles Stephen down. Stephen screams like a little girl, and then runs offstage. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

40. Silence. Stephen then runs onstage, quickly grabs his book, and then runs off stage. Steven briefly chases him offstage, and then crawls back on. He stands on two feet, and removes the head from his costume. Suzy looks at him, shocked.

STEVEN Yarr, how do be you? SUZY Erm. Hello? STEVEN Yar. How be ye, lass? SUZY Uhm. I’m okay. Why are you talking like that? STEVEN Yaargh, you landlubber makes me plank rise. SUZY (Warming to this.) Hehe, I’m sure. STEVEN You can go on top of be my mast any be day. SUZY (Hysterical laughter.) Hehe, you’re funny. STEVEN How bout we be going below deck? SUZY Heh, maybe. We’ll see. STEVEN Yar, I don’t actually care about you, I just be using ye for ye body and for ye cheapest thrill. SUZY Hahah, you’re really funny! STEVEN I be seeing ye fine lass later. Steven hobbles off stage right, miming walking like a pirate, hobbling and favouring one leg.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

41.

SUZY What a strange odd fellow. Page quietly slinks onstage, and sits at Suzy’s seat. He takes a sip from her bottle of wine. SUZY Well, I guess he is kinda sexy. And the pirate stick is kinda cool. I don’t understand it though. Why people are constantly falling for me. Page takes a huge swig from the wine as she says this. SUZY Hmm. I better go and get dressed for bed. Suzy walks off stage left, not having noticed Page is onstage. She turns off the lamp in the process, leaving Page in the dark. He sits there, illuminated by the moonlight, dejected. PAGE That...bastard... Fade out.

42.

SLEDGEHAMMER SHEPARDRY Starship Troopers The room. Mid afternoon. Scott is standing on the edge of the table, silhouetted by a spotlight. He carries with him a telescope, and is wearing a pirate hat. As the full lights come up, it is shown that he is also wearing a full pirate outfit, complete with blue jacket and paper parrot on his shoulder. The parrot falls off his shoulder. He madly rushes to pick the parrot up. In doing so, he falls off the table. He gets up, brushes himself off, and picks up the parrot. He staggers back onto the table, and puts the paper parrot back on his shoulder He looks out into the audience as if he is watching the waves ebb and flow. SCOTT Yar, look at how the waves bounce! It’s like they be on a trampoline! Copernicus, how do you like these waves? Do you be wanting to get your feathers wet? Scott jumps off the table with great passion and vigour. He parades around for a bit, limping as if he has a wooden leg before looking out to the audience. SCOTT LANDLUBBERS! He limps away, "running". He falls over as he does, and his parrot goes flying. SCOTT COPERNICUS! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! The parrot becomes crumpled as it falls. Scott begins to melodramatically cry as he realises his comrade has "died". SCOTT OH COPERNICUS! YOU WERE TAKEN FROM US TOO YOUNG! A FINE YOUNG PARROT TAKEN INTO THE GREAT BIRDCAGE IN THE SKY WAY TOO YOUNG!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

43.

Scott curls into the foetal position, rocking back and forth. The parrot continues to remain motionless. SCOTT (Suddenly coming out of mourning for a moment.) It’s not working, bugger. (Going back into mourning.) OH I SHALL GIVE BE YOU A FUNERAL! A FUNERAL AT SEA! IT FITS A FINE PARROT LIKE THOU! (Out of mourning.) I wonder how convincing this really is. (Back in mourning.) OH WHAT A SAD DAY BE THIS. Scott picks up the parrot from the stage floor and begins to walk. He goes to walk off stage, but instead goes off an exit that leads into the crowd. He walks slowly, head bowed, mournfully, like a procession. He walks through the rows, disturbing as many patrons as possible. Eventually Scott comes to a stop at a random seat in the amphitheatre. SCOTT Yar, we be gathered here today to say good day to be saying fare ye well to me fine lass, Copernicus Reba Beckett Singingforth HEY LOOK A SHINY THING Drinker Reba Reba Capslock Reba Reba Reba Copernicus. (He sheds a tear.) Yar, she be a fine lass. She tore up all the landlubbers that she be ever encountering. She scared be the treasure with me. She even be sharing me treasure! (He looks up for approval from the audience. Upon getting none, he goes back to mourning.) Alas, she be deceased, carked it, an ex-parrot, late. And so, Copernicus Reba Beckett Singingforth HEY LOOK A SHINY THING Drinker Reba Reba Capslock Reba Reba Reba Copernicus, I guess I’ll be waving you a sweet goodbye from the galley of life, my friend. Scott then apathetically throws the parrot over his shoulder, into the crowd. He walks back from whence he came and appears back on stage.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

44.

SCOTT Damnit. This whole acting like a pirate thing totally isn’t working. I haven’t got a hot broad in the full five minutes I’ve been doing it. :( What’s he doing that’s so special and what am I missing? Is it the eyepatch? Must be. Scott then pulls out an eyepatch from a pocket in his costume. He attaches it to his head, backwards. SCOTT ...still not working. :( Where are all the pretty girls today? In the bleeding audience? Well that’s no good. Aren’t I meant to be some world-known household name director? Aren’t I meant to be on the level of someone like Kubrick? But no, people just laugh at me in the street. I get mocked for my inability to keep a hold over my actors. And why? It’s not my fault I have the most megalomaniacal actors in my cast. Scott gets up, puts his eyepatch on the right way, and stands on the table once again. He goes back to looking at the audience through the telescope. SCOTT Oh, how I moan for the loss of my dear Copernicus. Page walks on stage, carrying a clipboard. Eating a sandwich, he sits at the table. He notes Scott standing on the desk and stands up. PAGE ...did you said how you moan for the loss of your dear Copernicus? SCOTT Arr, me matey. PAGE ...right. What page is this again? SCOTT Arr, this be page fourty five, landlubber. PAGE Um, the line’s actually "Oh, how I moan for be the loss of my dear Copernicus." SCOTT Scallywog!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

45.

PAGE Yeah, it is. SCOTT Arr, well, I be saying the line like this for be now. PAGE Fine. It’s not like I’m the director. SCOTT Gah, I’ll be firing a cannonball at ye scurvy hide, landlubber! PAGE Go ahead. SCOTT What? PAGE Go ahead. Fire a cannonball at me. I dare you to. SCOTT Aargh, you scurvy dog! PAGE I’m going to go now. I can’t STAND pirates. SCOTT (Breaks character.) Me neither. I’m just doing this to pull women. At this point, Page snaps. He jumps from his chair and tackles Scott off the table. Scott falls hard and rolls away. PAGE (In the coldest, angriest, yet calmest voice possible.) Touch Suzy and I will make sure you won’t have a leg to walk on. Page then walks offstage, furious. Scott lies on the ground for a short period of time, then gets up, brushing himself off. He slowly gets back up onto the table, and pulls the now bent telescope up with him. With some difficulty and awkward positioning, he angles the lense towards the audience. Steven walks on stage, dressed in a suit and top hat, as before. He notices Scott standing on the table and looks on in a mixture of horror and confusion. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

46.

Scott continues to look through his telescope, not noticing Steven’s presence. SCOTT Yar, the landlubbers’ll be sunk with this cannonball! Aargh! ABANDON SHIP! Get me treasure be! Scrawl the diary entry! SAVE BE THE TREASURE! STEVEN ...ahem. What exactly are you doing, my fine chap? SCOTT Yar, I be protecting me dubloons from the ravagers of the Nordes? STEVEN I must say, my lad, isn’t it "ravagers of the Nordic?" SCOTT I’ll be pulling out be my cutlass if ye don’t shut up about your poncy little grammar. STEVEN Well, fine, dear chap. I may request that you don’t be so loud. SCOTT Be away, landlubber! STEVEN Um. My fine lad...do you happen to have the time? SCOTT Nar, I lost be me watch in the fine waters of the Gibraltar Straits. STEVEN Could you not just look at your wrist? SCOTT Yar. (Scott looks at his wrist, as if he is looking at a watch.) It be seven past the hour, you scurvy blunderbuss! STEVEN Why, thank you my fine lad. I’ll be off now. SCOTT Yar, you landlubber.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

47.

Steven walks off stage, dignified. Scott continues to look through his telescope for a few moments, then realises that Steven was the one who was acting like a pirate earlier. SCOTT (Breaking character.) ...wait a minute...wasn’t he...DAMNIT. Scott jumps off the table, and walks off stage in frustration.