Shitting Ourselves13 Self Preservation Society

Traditions and cultural standards have a major impact on our sensibilities in life. We’re all dependent on our community from birth and many people are content to go with the flow and fit in; but what if the predominant common way of thinking and standards are just not the reality they feel within? That goes for people of any culture. Rarely do we acknowledge those disparities and anomalies in their social context. This is compounded when a person’s individual choice, or simply their good nature, exposes insecurity or hypocrisy in others, or questions something that they pledge their loyalty to politically or as a matter of faith. But, it’s a quirk of fate where a person ends up being born and the predominant culture they are surrounded by, not a given, so why do we insist that the system of our origin has to be the right one? We all need identity, true. But what we base that on is an unreality of us. Being brought up and conditioned by our surroundings makes part of what we end up as, but not necessarily the real us, the whole of us. That other part of us we’re usually shocked by or delighted by when we discover it, whether other people celebrate or castigate us for it. We can be a true honest person without finding it, but not the full potential we have inside us. It is this ability to expand and develop that gets tamped down and breeds dissolution and fear, unless it is supported for a pre-determined cause. Even then you run the risk of potential dissidence. We tend, instead, to marginalise people with wider perspectives or even deny our own instincts, if that is the cost of belonging. Again, we chess-board because grey areas can be difficult and painful. You can be equally isolated even when you do belong. Many partners and siblings can attest to this, because even people who love us may not want us to be ourselves. We like to think we’re so accommodating in the west and some view that as degradation instead of maturity. It’s almost a badge of honour to some families, that they’ve hardly seen each other, but will meet every Christmas, to shout and bawl their differences and bitter resentments at each other. It isn’t true unity, as much as clinging onto something that they feel they fundamentally should be able to rely on, an automatic right. If their flesh and blood don’t care, then what have they got? The best example of this kind of clinging on, within a family, and coming to terms with reality, was in a documentary about three brothers. One had an inner battle with his physiology and later became transgender; another later realised he was gay; and the last one, who was adopted, had part of his brain removed as a child and suffered a constant mental battle with himself and his resulting dependency on medication. The latter decided to search for his birth mother and found her just in time to see her, laid out at her funeral. He discovered he was the grandson of Orson Wells and Rita Hayworth. A fascinating insight into genuine love and a desire to belong and the role family plays in that, despite being tested almost to destruction. There are many examples too that show the power of love to unite former enemies. That’s all well and good but we need to equally acknowledge and legitimise the fact that for some, none of this works. This is not uncommon and they need a broader sense of belonging within our society, rather than alienation to it. We’ve had to address the issues of prejudice in the UK, but we need to look at the mentality that alienates people in general, as well as the symptoms. Well, it could be said that this is common and that the views being expressed here are from someone who feels quite happy not to belong and has very little appreciation of the role of family in a person’s life. True, but my happiness is more a necessary construct, than a preference, genuine as it is. What is a person suppose to do, feel, when those natural instincts and feelings have been shredded by those who are supposed to be closest? And what about those whose family have absolutely no interest in them, simply because they have drifted? It is one thing to uphold a fundamental cultural precept, but it is another thing altogether, to inflexibly maintain it as the only acceptable standard. Hence “for a balanced upbringing all children need a father and a mother.” Do they really? So what does that turn those who didn’t and couldn’t into and what neglect does that highlight in us? How about all those adopted kids and those who were orphaned or evacuated in wartime, or refugees? Look at all those pitiful emaciated babies on Blue Peter, or the state of children’s homes in Rumania and Turkey (the European Union has ignored for years now) and tell me you don’t want a welfare state.

I am aware of family roles (and envy them to a degree) and there are inherent dangers to non-conformity too. Not that those dangers are precedent to the point of losing personal choice. I think most people will be able to see some measure of liberation in my mental and emotional selfsufficiency, if that is what I have gained. It feels like that is what it is and I don’t see myself as someone who doesn’t need affirmation or emotional ties. I have friends who have proved closer and more honest than family. I am not a natural loaner but I rarely feel loneliness now. I have all but exhausted three of the four Greek loves and I have been in love. It sometimes feels, though, that single heterosexual Caucasian males are the most discriminated demographic in this country. Especially if they like walking in parks. They dare not even respond to children in distress, let alone engage them in conversation, for fear of raising suspicion and panic. Some women’s rights still need addressing and familial law is quite sexist. Ginger hair is the latest prejudice to be tackled, thanks to a sly, philanderer from that fictitious London suburb of no football, where new freaks are told at birth, hating Milwall is definitely NOT in the subtext. So, that’s progress. Greyness comes to us all, in time, but usually far too late. It’s only too late because we are way too slow on the up-take and we see youth as the future. Maybe that’s why we make it too hard on ourselves – it has taken us so long to acquire any amount of self-sufficiency and understanding, we want to hang on to it for as long as possible, it’ll be gone all too soon, so why should we pass it on. Lao Tsi is quoted as saying “Ruling a nation is power…” and many wise ancient Chinese proverbs we see as genteel are actually quite aggressive on this subject. Well, that’s good if you want power. But I’d guess most grey-heads would disagree with this tenet. I think the aspiration to rule a nation is actually weakness, unless your intention is the relinquishing of power in favour of empowering others. Greyness is actually the only reality and there has always been more than enough of that around. Passing that on in pro-active ways should influence our youth to treat older ones with more respect. We’re only just seeing the development of this after long years of sickening ageism in the UK. We’ve woken up to the potential in older people to continue working, only as recourse to the burden of tax money spent on care and welfare services. They’ve been stripped of pensions and have little to show for their dedication over the years. If we’re intent to strip our welfare state, too, instead of reinforcing it, what motivation will that inculcate into our youth? Greyness kind of relaxes over some of the things we get out of our tree about, when it’s cared for and before we lose it and return to the womb. That’s another thing we deny at our peril, along with our bodily functions. All families have had to face crises of personal choice and difference; feuding national factions have ultimately had to accept their differences, so it’s not an alien concept. The question really is how much more time and energy we waste on not doing so. We cannot afford to be polarised or self-indulgently complacent if we are to achieve a climate of mutual respect. This has to start with world leaders, instead of seeking to capitalise on others’ misfortune to amass power. We have to think bigger, broader than traditional and historical perspectives and our personal beliefs. “…there is a universal internal language amongst those who have experienced similar situations. This operates even between total strangers from the most disparate and divided communities. Nationalism and patriotism forces us to disengage from this, thinking it is in our interest, our self-preservation. It isn’t.”