Salvation Lies Within...

I never knew it could be kinda impossible to search myself back waking up after a nightmare which doesn't seem to end. Feels like Harvester of Sorrow(a metallica song). But there's one dime frution that too much of concern to troubles of self leads to temporary blindness to troubles to others. IF YOU'RE GOING THROUGH HELL, KEEP GOING. -Winston Churchill like SABBATICAL IN SQUALOR. Whatever i used to feel became a lie and so i'd to kill myself... so as i'd not feel anything anymore. They call you baloney if ain't banality! When you'd have worked enough hard, chances r that you may get what you craved for. pahle tu CP jana. waha BSNL/MTNL me ja kar jo clg se form mila hai usko fill karke submit kar with ur photograph then they will send u where u want to go............. so mn things i've flt n i dunno y they feel so.lk y does sun shines brightr wn u got no1 arnd u to listen to;y does each single dew drop is visible on tht morning grass wn u'r talkin to none;y does evn non-snse strts makin' snse wn u'r aln;y does a coffee steams thicker wn u've bn lost in lots of thoughts bt left unspoken;y does every song u've listend a 1000 times b4 strts seemin so new and smwt resemblin your life wn you listen it at 3am at night with your espresso and bunchful of complaints, regrets and sorrows but no one around; y one can't sqeeze evn a single teer drop out wn u desprtly wnt to weep n weep wn sm movie touches u so deep inside dt u seek it evrytm u're so down dt it feels impossible to b alive agn. n still... u hate it wn u're aln n jst kp remindin urslf those moments of company. "there r times faced alone, wn u find all the holes within urself... i will say your prayers wn you're gone." -song Have No Fear from Bird York for movie Seven Pounds tk cr Hardest is my changing conscious thought which is stringent to keep me alone, unwilling to forgive anyone from the inside but deft at showing nothing outside. Hardest is to keep silent when there is so much to tell about. Hardest is to say everything's fine to a dear when nothing is... Hardest is to keep doing things without any sense at all or the only sense being that of discontentment followed by disconsolation. To try even after different defeats. When everything feels incomplete. When what i do is not the solution but the journey to the solution to few of my problems. .... And a pain felt for long has it's hangover. I'm... Too big eyes bt Too small hands. What can i tell you "about me" that makes me what jst anothr guy ain't. presently i'm on a Sabbatical in Squalor.

I've xperienced that Hardest was to see them changing who were never supposed to. I guess change is neither good nor bad. It's just change... Hardest is to finally settle at some mistake of my own and vindicating rest all. There are things far away from accusations and absolutions. They're just your memories that when ever you recollect, you see smthing new in retrospective and everytime you let up... HARDEST IS TO WAIT... SILENTLY. To me one's ideology and self-control makes him human. Though m not advocatin' an ascetic life-style. "You want something? Go get it." (movie The Persuit of Happyness) In the end, the only person you can blindly believe in has to be yourself. THE STRONGER THE WIND,THE STRONGER THE TREE( found this written with a senior, a friend now) --------------------------------------------"... And i'm back...back and talking to you. I have ice in my glass. But i've lost her over again!This is so bad that kelly's not with me...and i'm grateful to her that she was with me on island. And i know what i'm to do I... JUST KEEP BREATHING, BECAUSE SUN WILL RISE AGAIN TOMORROW. LET'S SEE WHAT TIME COULD BRING!" -Chuck Noland(Tom Hanks), in movie Cast Away. Salvation lies within... -movie Shawshank Redemption Mom, please can you put out all this light? I don't want anybody to know that someone's breathing here alive. And please take away this clock; it's gone berserk, calling me a schmuck. While asleep, I may find that delight. Please mom, put out all the light. Clouds're over me but why isn't it raining? I'd, atleast, be feeling something... water running all over & me in it soaking. These darks may become fairer, as with the sound of dripping water, this boulevard of mine turns to a mirror, 'cause I need to look at myself again; I can't see any wound but feel this pain, 'cause all is wrong to which I thought right. Mom, did you put out all the light?! Go away, I'm not willing to watch any movie! Mom, why have you left this child here? I'm tired & this is not letting me sleep...silently. I arranged you the chair but, nobody's getting me mine. Will I be always standing, If I'm not being able to speak?! Alright, lemme tell you,

that I'll arrange one of my own... So austere and silent are all the stones. If you like, you can call that psychiatrist. But please for now, put out all the light. Look, sky is now purple, and I see a dark sheet with infinite white marbles. After hearing that I'm uncommon, no longer & never I'll startle. I've fell asleep and atleast now, to collect all those marbles, I can go...out. You, atleast, put all the light out. Don't ask me, 'cause nothing I'll tell you, Because whenever I try, you never hear. And when I desperately need you, look for you, you are miles away from something near. I'll just do what you want me to do. Because I know that duties and responsibilities don't care any sorrow till it's inside and mellow, till permanently doolally the individual grows, shouts at top his lung to all nothing & hollow. Because all he wanted to do was what he had expected, for himself he needed and wanted... all influenced by what all could he see and sence since had opened eyes to this world, and wants to stand upright... So do I, and even in this plight I'll dig out that slight delight, which will not only be my hope but the light, in which I'll witness myself as what I ecspect. I know, these lows will take me to that height. Still, just to sleep a while is all I want. Dear mom, why haven't you put out all the light... -Abhineet sharma, 14th july, 2008, after sun had set... These are ways to commit suicide. I read them and found them quite lucrative(!!). Though i was much certain about my propensity to die rather than living because death's always an easy way to end it all... 1.Bleeding 2.Drowning 3.Suffocation 4.Electrocution 5.Firearms* 6.Traffic collision* 7.Drug overdose(most reliable)* 8.Carbon mono-oxide poisioning 9.Venom 10.Starvation Read in detail: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicide_methods But with the time i found it hard that it's hard to find well whatever... nevermind. Am sorry for the last line. it's a nirvana song and am a big fan; got

my sneekers the way kurt had. Life is respectfully acceptable a challenge. I want to live it only to prove that i ain't any goddamnd loser! Many people have lived hard lives. It'd just be quite an experience to have a long white beard under your chin and infinite memories to live by. It's jst too beautiful to turn around and remind yourself how you stood that hell afflicted over you. bodily sufferring are passe now. many can stand them. I also can. But i personaly found dUNNO wHAT IT IS. I don't know what it is, seems like all doors are closed and I can't open any even when I've the right keys. Peace is still tranquil, and the flower still blooms in that sand. Maudlin I'm or I'm happy? In the middle of the ocean and just no breeze. How'd I know where this water flows...? Many questions are unanswered. First count those still unheard. Then why this 'why' when in my way, I neither breathe nor move, like a sculpture dead i lay. I guess, a pain felt for long has its hangover. Though, sturdy this squalor, still drowned nose-deep, I'm trying in selfrighteous stupor. ButI'm learning to pretend, though I know how sweet and simple a child is; laughs, weeps, celebrates so loud that my indifference to a little nothing or to just my everything gauds me no, not anymore. Those feet stumble but eyes still sparkling with hope and I don't know what it is but may be for the briefest of moment when I look at it, I feel that lost bliss... But when i wait... with every passing thought, all of this fades... And I realize to keep imagining what satiates is no longer wise, just procuring bunch of lies. It's still cold and water pourin' from that deep black sky. But, can it rain for ever?! some body said that tough time doesn't but tough people last forever. If I don't die of pneumonia, I can wait even longer. If I can not see or feel, is the sun not there, somewhere behindthese clouds, the clouds that she painted black, or was it my mis-calcutaion, a confusion, just flack. I just dunno what it is, without any cure, I'm diseased...

Do those words have any meaning, which you splutter out of your bleeding heart, but actually, no one is listening? feels like you're dumb, resentment, discontentment quite mellow you can feel that you're numb... Hold it then and venerate what you're feeling, time has it's job of healing. Stand and walk because you can! Force yourself as you don't belong to this loser clan. 'cause no one's left to love or to hate. You're alive, so you're quite fortunate. So, hold your breath and just wait... I'm talking about wisedom of late. If you'd stay here for a while you'd feel that jericho is just a mile. Still...hardest is to wait, I'm talking about wisedom of late As all anguish fades, apathy's left as your only mate. -Abhineet Sharma(in a park...) CONSCIOUSLY WITH SUB-CONSCIOUS some past i have, some memories i own seated inside me, deep till these bones it's all gone; so it was to happen. when i go back and count, it all unravelled one by one by one... and nothing to regret really, i remember everything so clearly; but hell yeah, i want to "gild the lily". the wind i feel on my shoulders, does nothing but silently whispers that not all breeze are "a lee of glee". why don't you look at it this way, if both of you hated it, why does you soul stint, and doesn't let it just flow away? Why don't you accept,that you'll die, if your memories are lost, this is your beloved past, to which you'll adhere at any cost. And now even songs bring it to life, with every rhetoric shrill of their so fervidly felt harmony, both seem to share a bonhomie. oh damn!you fool,why didn't you catch the moment that just passed, added to the past just another clock's tick, something new from your memories to pick. it's this very jiffy,affermatively, deliquesce into it with a sling

should be the best upto your understanding. and this is all i see asonly way to "gild the lily", only way to make the past incontestably acceptable willingly. richer the memories,richer you go. can't you see,lost in those, you won't need any body anymore! but why can't you look,dear there are so many dieing in your bit less loved present, waiting desperately for you to come out of your slumber. somebody's dead,i know, it's cold and so white is this snow. but be alive n please for these you live; to make these a part of your memories is still your prerogative! -Abhineet Sharma FACIAL FORFEIT A face of mine now becomes one of his,when i feel low. he's just another of me, begs me there to be. i put it up and forget, what i am or could in truth i be. me left no options with, rely in situation of stripped off all glee. sorrow is dark but dark ain't sorow, may just be oblivion or hopelessness i may seem to borrow. but to my amazement to utter, i'm to look jovial, sad at soul but to seem joker. yes, i painted my face up, just like him,if tickles a tear, am to laugh with all those my forfeiting joys at cusp. just seven colours for one,eventhough, an infinite,between any two colours,flow. as many faces as many expressions, as many eyes that many suggestions. still to be precise, in a few voices from inside, a million faces one may recognize. all faces are peculiarly pellucid paradox. shivering too old but mercilessly plastered youth with botox. i see it's happy,whuile you may stint at skepticism of sorrow,flattery, blunt,stunt or dead all about as hint.

two eyes,anose,labrum and labium, two brows,brown,white and yellow, clear,pimpled or dimpled. platform for kiss,these cheeks may grow. tide of pride,misery or mersy, all are seen clear,with or without courteousy.. very lucid on innocent innocense of child, but as they deliquesse, to recognition, all this ease is cut out,don't know if self's pleased but to all they vehmently please! -Abhineet Sharma REBELLING THE DARK EMPIRE(within myslf) It's hard to be logical, it's hard to be alive. But if you lose yourself once, that could work, exists no such alibi. It approaches me, somewhat penetrates me, and lingers there,eventhough it has no concious permission from me! Pummels me, rackles me, Never in mood to exculpate. Loosing myself constantly from my own blurring sight, lost in oblivious plight,still i fight. But merciless, my dark fear, goes on to strangulate!! Wailing like a lamb, I,under killing experienced knife of fear, go on thinking of life, death and life after death. The sin it's preaching, I may commit, still seeking desperately for a way not to jump the summit, it's baiting me and taking me with it's seemingly indelible lure! No..no..I won't, I cry, oh you!! So many times i fought, lost a lot, loath is all it caused, against me and all my valiant thought. Still what i see is this thunder, dark and black,where all hopes dull, chilling this abominable lull, but this time i won't surrender. It won't be you, this time who conquers.

So intriguing it is the foe isn't your victory,but the relief it brings. I do submitt that i've been a defeated addict!! Tomorrow never dies, neither hopes do. A solitrary inspiration can ward away all the blues. Lots of my dreams and morality have enough strength now to not let me jst tootie!! The spark inside me, these inflict, may prove too gruesome for it! You'll be miserable and aghast, I tell you, one more blow, and forever you'll be lost!! - Abhineet Sharma bled it black: I blinked and was cut by a knife i bled, i bled, bled it black black i bled and the blood was mine. though i couldn't help to wonder that blood should have been red forever, when i'd die, only thn it'd change this colour, black it'd become turning deeper and deeper as l'd lay there... getting colder and colder. It should be black when i die, but i'm alive.... am not i? I've been living it, whatever it is. you were there in it i could feel you so livid, me with you in all your needs was all i needed,may always need. but seems u've disappeard all of sudden were u produced out of thin air, an apparition...? Is it illusion? Was i living a lie...? tell me, Do i always have to bleed to know if i'm alive...?