Queer Eye For The Ollivander

Queer eye for the ollivander – By Conor School Gym – Morning An emergency meeting has been called – The whole school has been piled into the Gym. There is much buzzing as everyone discusses what could possibly be responsible for this weird turn of events. Shady Robbie: “Oh God, they know I’ve been dealing!” Fran: “But...the stuff you sell isn’t illegal!” The look on his face suggests that maybe that isn’t the whole truth. Before anyone can press the matter further, however, the lights dim, and everyone’s attention is drawn to the stage. Cormack comes dancing out from behind the curtain, and launches into an elaborate and obviously well rehearsed interpretative dance sequence. After about 20 minutes, he finally finishes, and bows, sweating profusely. Without so much as a word of introduction he approaches the mic. Cormack: “I’d like to thank you all for being here on such short notice. As some of you may be aware, the culmination of all the hard work of the Garron Tower Fabulous Orginisation, or the GTFO, is close at hand. That’s right... The photographer is going to be here! Next Tuesday! I recommend the self-fabulising begins asap people...for you all...not for me...I’m fabulous.” Olly: “Woooooooo!” Cormack: “Yes...indeed...But there’s more! Whichever photograph can best embody the fabulous reputation of the GTFO will be the cover of the special editon of this year’s Yearbook!” Every Girl in the School, and Conor and Mullan: “OMG!” Cormack: “That’s right, so you don’t need me to tell you that this is a BIG...DEAL!” Lance: “This is ridiculous, he actually thinks any of us are going to take this photo thing seriously?” Everyone else murmurs their shared disapproval. Except...

Olly: on a mobile phone “...Yeah that’s O-L-L-Y...yeah...yeah. Great! ... Alright see you then!” He turns to address everyone else. “I’m gettin’ a makeover like!” Monday: 24 hours till the Photograph Everyone meets in the morning after the weekend, with no visible signs of “fabulising”. They, at least, have stayed strong. Shady Robbie: “So you think that idiot is actually getting a makeover?” Mullan: “Nah, you know Olly, he probably rang a chippy or something.” Everyone has a good chuckle at this, until suddenly everyone in the vicinity is blinded by a dazzling light. Shielding their eyes, they see Olly approaching. But it is not the Olly they know: He has a tan that would make Dr Lynch jealous, his braces are gone, his teeth have been whitened and he is sporting a trendy train driver’s hat. In the area, several girls die on the spot from the pleasure this causes. Olly: “Soooo, what do you think like?!” Graham: “You look ridiculous...like if MTV was an actual person, he’d look like you look right now.” Olly beams as if this is the greatest compliment in the world. Graham: “In

fact, I’d go so far as to say that you...”

He is cut off in his sentence by a veritable stampede of screaming girls. Those wildebeest in the Lion King don’t hold a candle to the avalanche of scantily glad beauties that are rushing at Olly. Girl 1: “OMG Look at that hat!” Girl 2: “And that hair! It’s to die for!” Mullan wades into the crowd of girls. Mullan: “Alright, alright, break it up, there’s nothing to see here...hold the phone...do I smell Pink Lacoste!?! He joins in the clamouring crowd of girls. Suddenly the air is filled with the sound of a blaring airhorn, and the crowd scatters. Graham is revealed as the source of the sound.

Graham: to Mullan “Get out of here” Then to Olly “You really think a chance to get in Cormack’s yearbook was worth all this?” Olly: “It’s funny you should mention teeth Graham, I’ve just had mine fixed like, see?” He gets right up in Graham’s face, grinning madly. Graham: “I...I didn’t...ok forget it...Can’t you see how stupid you look? ... Fran, tell him!” Fran: Staring dreamily at Olly “I...what?” Graham takes this in for a few seconds. Then, a little lightbulb appears above his head with a “ding!”, and he gets a crafty look on his face. Tuesday: The day of the photograph Everyone is in Form Class, preparing for the imminent arrival of the photographer. Olly is standing in the corner, completely alone. The reason for this appears to be quite obvious – His tan has become a blotchy mess, his teeth have all yellowed, and his trendy hat has been replaced by a paper boat hat. Graham is nowhere to be seen. Conor: “Do you think Graham’s really gonna miss the big photo?” Mullan: “Unlikely. If there’s one thing I know about Eamon Graham, it’s that that dude loves having his photo taken.” Conor: “That...that couldn’t be less true.” Before this conversation can continue any further, the class is disturbed by a loud “NEIGH!” from outside Projector: projecting onto the board “Was that a smurfing horse!?” Completely ignoring Lynch, who is oblivious to the apparent neighing, the class bail outside. The sound of thundering hooves fills the air, and suddenly Graham appears on the horizon, riding a huge steed, and carrying Lance. He has dressed in the most photogenic outfit imaginable – a finely cut italian suit, complete with top hat. He casually dismounts, and lets the crowd ooh and aah (only at the horse, naturally). He facetiously takes out an old fashioned time piece and pretends to check the time.

Fran: “Wow, you’re going to look great for the photo.” Graham: “Oh, the photo, is that today? Why, I completely forgot about that. Yes, yes I suppose I will look fantastic for it, thank you.” Projector, who has somehow made it outside, projects a message onto the side of the horse. Projector: “Smurf me, it IS a horse! :O” Graham: “Oh, this old thing? I won it in a duel... Everyone goes “ooooh!” “... with Voldemort.” “Everyone goes OOOOOOOH!” Conor: “That...that couldn’t be less true.” Mullan looks hard at Conor as he says this, but lets it go. At this moment, Olly appears outside. Graham laughs long and hard at his appearance. Graham: “Hahahaha, my my, how the mighty have fallen. Tell me Olly, how does it feel to be ugly? As a stunning figure of a man, I have no idea.” Olly: “It’s alright, like.” The horse neighs loudly Graham: “Be calm, Michaelangelo! Before long you and I shall be feasting on the banquet of victory!” Suddenly a flashy Italian sportscar pulls up – it is the photographer. Everyone races away from Graham to gawp at the car. Mullan: quietly, to Graham “Is that Pink Lacoste?” Graham: “Yeah, what about it?” The crowd returns, with Mr. Photographer in tow. He is the classic attractive Mediterranean hunk. All the girls (except Debbie of course) have become completely enraptured. Cormack: “Your fabulousness, can I be the first to say what an HONOUR it is to welcome you here, on behalf of the Garron Tower fabulous orginisation.” Photographer: “No no no, the honour, she is-a mine. You should have told me that all your ladies were, how you say, bellissimas.” All the girls in the area practically melt.

Photographer: “We shall go with the Yearbook picture first, yes? Let me see now...” He takes a good long look over the crowd assembled in front of him. Graham stands, puffing his chest out and making himself as visible as possible, while Olly has become engrossed with trying to pick something out of his teeth. Photographer: “Yes, you.” He gestures to Olly. Graham: “I’m sorry, what? Clearly there’s been some mistake – I’m over here.” The photographer continues to beckon Olly, who follows him happily. As they walk off together, Graham overhears: Photographer: “I tell you, I’ve-a been in the photograph business for 20 years – It just-a makes me sick when you see how hard people try for this!” Graham rips off his top hat and hurls it to the ground, stamping on it in his rage. Cut to black. Mate, what country are you even from like? Tag: Graham is still standing where we left him. Suddenly, Voldemort bails out of the hedge beside him, and hammers him with a spell, knocking him out. He leaps onto the horse and rides off, cackling maniacally.