Queer Eye

I

THE BACK PAGE BY PAUL RUDNICK

QUEER EYE FOR THE WHOLE WORLD

I

a

ueer Eye for the Straight Guy," the television show in which a quippy platoon of gay tastemakers (the Fab Five) assists clueless heterosexual dudes in matters of fashion, decor, and grooming, has become the biggest hit on cable. The show has been such a smash, why not try broadening the scope?A few spinoff possibilities:

1. Queer Eye for Iraq: "Yes, we know you're fundamentalist Muslims, but what's with the untamed eyebrows? Tweeze and shape, and then maybe you'll start promoting education for women. But we love the classic headwraps, the knee-skimming Bea Arthur vests, and those jihad-ready harem pants-it isn't about hating the West, it's about drape. Let's face it, wasn't Saddam just a tad Sonny Bono by way of Tony Orlando with a Yosemite Sam/Village People leatherman mustache? Didn't the droopy facial hair and the Connie Francis dye job scream, 'Even if I'm not hiding plutonium I still look like a midtown doorman'? As for Uday and Qusay, well, let's just say i t they weren't exactly the Hilton sisters. Here's our fashion fatwa: no more strafing embassies, spitting at U.S soldiers, or wearing sandals with tube socks in the mosque, 'kay?" 2. Queer Eye for Arnold Scbwarzenegger: "You work out obsessively, you're rumored to have a wild sex life, and you love Arnold Schwarzenegger movies-you're practically gay already! But here's a tip: ditch the cadre of heavyartillery advisers, forget about taking a serious position on the economy, and bring back Conan the Barbarian. The crafts-project jockstrap, the studded rawhide bicep bracelets, the machoCher headband with the just-for-fun noseguard-to the queer eye it says, 'I am California.' If you want to win, dress like a car.'' 206

THE NEW YORKER, SEPTEMBER 22, 2003 -

Very Hilfiger. Very askewrep tie, rumpled khakis, and I-just-rolled-out-of-bedwith-an-ambitious-commoner hair. "

for'

6. Queer'Eye Hillary Rodham CZinton: "Darling. Girlfriend. Sir. Yes, we know that black pants suits always work: they're slimming, they travel, and you can just toss a pastel sweater over your shoulders for the 'Today' show, as if you're saying, 'You see, Katie, I'm not just an Orthodox rabbi with highlights.' But let's branch out-why not a black * pants suit with a fuchsia superhero cape? 3. Queer Eye for Israel and the Pal- O r add jumbo 24k. gold I d Arnin-style estinians:"Ladies. Cuddlekins. Can we epaulets. Or a flash of lacy purple bra retract the press-on nails, put down that tells us, 'Fine, I'm a future Presithe teasing combs, and leave the lav- dent, but sometimes I enjoy wearing atory? Think of yourselves as Barbra women's clothing.' " Streisand versus Katharine Hepburn7. Queer'Eyefor George IT Bush: "The duelling divas, yet they shared an Oscar. Israel, you're proud, you're undaunted, Marlboro stiff jeans. The 1978 San Franyou're kibbutz-chic, but remember: all cisco leather bomber jacket. The huge, of those extra pockets on your cargo state-fair-prize-heifer Republican rodeo pants don't really need to be filled with belt buckles. It's all too G.I. Joe on furgrenades. And Palestine-you're be- lough, Ken in Alaska, the plaid-flannelleaguered, you're feisty, you're looking and-canvas-work-gloves-for-Father'sfor love, but strapping dynamite around Day section of the Sears catalogue. It your midsection doesn't just kill inno- cries, 'I'm responsible, I've stopped drinkcent people; it ruins the line of your ing, and Laura thinks that my penis is just safari-casual top. Our idea of a suicide the right size, thank you.' So let's loosen bomber is whoever's been styling Brit- up, let's tell all those other countries that ney Spears-is that what we want the the leader of the free world is lemoncashmere confident.When you'rejogging world to look like?" around the Washington Monument, let's 4. Queer Eye for the Blackout: try a Bruce Weber wifebeater-T-and"Wouldn't it have been heavenly if, when surfer-Jams combo, with all of those the lights came back on, everyone had hunky Secret Service guys in plaid boxers and sweat. And why not deliveryour next moisturized?" State of the Union address in an open 5. Queer Eye for the Royal Family: collar, a Gucci-narrow peacoat, and a "Queen Elizabeth, don't touch a thing, who-needs-France baseball cap worn because sometimes everything should backward?You could be the first unstopmatch. Prince Charles and Camilla, we pable freedom fascist to say 'I love me in love the navy blazers, the muddy hiking a mink-lined vintage acid-washed Levi's c^ boots, and all of that scratchy tweed on jacket.' The planet is looking to you, so both of you; we think it's an out-there work the tan, bleach the teeth, and always statement on lesbian marriage. And as and forever, after your 'May God bless us 5 for those little Princes:yum. Double yum. all' finale, blow a big fat kiss. Mwah!"+ 2

; *

"

,