Purim Observer

Volume oLIVia, Issue 1

The Yeshiva University

Obsessor

No Jewish Communal Issue is Too Small to Obsess Over

President Faces Major Lawsuit, Bob the Builder Fights Back Gavriella Lerner Having faced his first major test as president and succeeded in passing the economic stimulus bill, President Barack Obama now faces a $78 million lawsuit, brought on by Keith Chapman, the creator of the popular children’s television show “Bob the Builder”. The lawsuit charges the president and his campaign managers with copyright infringement over the use of the catchphrase “Yes we can”, which happens to have originated with the cartoon show. “What these people have done is taken a trademarked, copyrighted phrase, and used it without the originator’s permission for massmarketing and political gain,” alleges Marty Shapiro, the attorney representing Chapman. “This is unacceptable behavior, and very much against the law. The president is not above the law, and we will not back down on this matter.” Spokespeople for Obama, who managed to successfully stave off the lawsuit until after the election, are now scrambling to protect the administration from these attacks.

“With all the problems in this country on a national level, you would think these people would be above such petty politics,” says spokesman Bill Burton, “but I can assure you we are working tirelessly to come to a swift, acceptable compromise regarding this matter.” Chapman first thought about advancing a lawsuit over a year ago, right when the primaries began. He noticed that Obama was planting the phrase “Yes we can” in his campaign speeches, prompting those attending the rallies to reply in kind. “When I realized that it wasn’t just a one-time thing, but showing up as his trademark, I started thinking, that’s really not okay,” he recalls, “not to mention the context was so eerily similar. I mean on the show, Bob and crew before each job call out ‘Can we fix it? Yes we can!’, and hearing Obama talking about how he was going to fix America, and then chanting ‘Yes we can!’ was just too much. I mean, the guy never once called me to ask if he could use my line.” Obama’s 2008 campaign manager, David Plouff, offered to take

the blame. “I should have checked this out; I was in charge of making sure sources were properly cited and permission obtained,” he says, “but how was I supposed to know that he got his catchphrase from a children’s show? I understand the guy’s upset, but the president really has more important things to worry about.” Devorah Libman Chapman, Obama faces major lawsuit from “Bob the Builder” supporters, who claim he stole Bob’s slogan. however, is not satisfied with the campaign manager or his excuses. “C’mon! Obama has two young children; he has definitely watched my show and knows full

“Srugim” Spinoff Set in Washington Heights

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Kol Hamevaser Splits in Two, Forming “Ham” and “Vaser” C.J. Cregg In an effort to please all parties and appease all editors on the Kol Hamevaser staff, the publication has decided to split in two, forming two new magazines vying to be the official Jewish Thought Magazine of Yeshiva University. These publications are titled “Ham” and “Vaser” respectively. ‘Ham’ features articles ranging across the Orthodox spectrum, including articles written by fringe leaders such as Madonna, who speaks eagerly about her interest in Kabbala. “I truly adore the red string bracelets,” Esther nee Madonna informed the editors of ‘Ham.’ “I really feel so holy when I am wearing one. As soon as I put that bracelet on my wrist, I was awakened to the word of my neshama [soul].” The editors of ‘Ham’ feel strongly that the student body should look to the son of Noach, Ham, as a role model. “Ham survived the mabul, the stormy waters that engulfed mankind,” explains female editor Ditzah. “He represents the ability of a Ben Noach to rise above the false frumkeit that surrounds us. Furthermore, he was gay (according to one opinion quoted in Rashi), but still a Ben Noach. Although he was later cursed, there still is value in exploring his life.” ‘Vaser’ editor Shmuel Naftali Ephraim Rosenthalstein stroked

his long curling payos and informed The Obsessor that the name “Vaser” was chosen because it “refers to the holy waters of pure Torah, the hallowed and sacred spring from which we quench our thirst.” He explained that his policy is to listen to rabbinic authority (colloquially known as Daas Torah) and references his decision to adhere to ideas passed along by Rabbi Blue. Rabbi Blue, who takes his name from the song by Eiffel 65 which includes the lyric, “I’m blue, if I were green I would die,” explains that he is honored to act as the unofficial advisor to ‘Vaser.’ Rabbi Blue, who is wary of green men and yellow journalism, told The Obsessor that he wants to “retain the ‘Vaser’ and change the ‘Ham’ into ‘Mah,’ reversing the letters in order to create a publication which questions and thinks, but within the boundaries of halakha.”

But the editors of Vaser refuse to use the letters Ham any longer in their newspaper. “The Torah says that Ham was saved from the mabul. It is well known that water represents taavah [desire]. We believe it’s OK to explore temptation, but it’s a slippery slope to start placing someone who violated one of the seven Noachide laws on a pedestal to be an example to us. That’s why we have dropped the ‘Ham’ from Hamevasar and prefer to continue with just the name ‘Vaser’.” ‘Ham’ editors agree with the need to explore temptation. “In Rashi to Leviticus 20:26,” continues ‘Ham’ editor Ditzah, “Rabbi Elazar ben Azarya states that one should not say he is disgusted by pork, but should rather affirm the fact that he would like to eat pork, but his father in Heaven forbade him to do so. By retaining the continued on page 5

INSIDE »» “Stern: The Musical” - 6 »» Edward Cullen Addresses Your Love Concerns - 10 »» Interview about shidduchim - 12 »» Previously, on the West Wing - 14

Fudge Crumble EFRAT—Riding the wild success of “Srugim,” an Israeli TV series that follows its characters’ dating melodramas with the love and exasperation of a close friend, director Eliezer “Laizy” Shapiro announced last week that he had crafted an American spinoff of the show. “Not that I’ve even remotely exhausted my possibilities with the ludicrously confused Israeli singles scene,” Shapiro said, addressing a small gathering of Hollywood press at a settlement cafe. “Just, you know, the Heights is insane too.” Shapiro and casting executives decided to stage their American version of “Srugim” in the dense Manhattan neighborhood of Washington Heights after screening hopefuls from many Jewish singles scenes throughout the United States, including the Upper West Side and Silver Springs, Maryland. “The UWS,” Shapiro said with a wince, adding: “Man. There’s probably a show in there somewhere, but I haven’t got the heart to make it.” Shapiro reportedly chose Washington Heights, known mostly for its large number of Yeshiva University graduates and crack gangs, because of the “rich dramatic potential” offered by an entire community of previously-acquainted singles crammed into a four-block radius. “Most of these students already know each other,” he explained. “They took courses together, organized college events together, had pathetic teenage crushes on each other. At this point, some of these 20somethings have been staring each other in the face for upwards of 15 years.” “And now they live pretty much on top of each other, along with everyone else they know,” Shapiro added. “Can you picture it? The scripts are gonna write themselves, baby.” Tentatively titled “Skirts”, the new series will revolve more around its female characters, since, according to Shapiro, “there are really more of them in American circles.” The show’s current host of characters includes Aviva, a young professional whose ultra-Orthodox friends set her up with increasingly unlikely men; Josh, a public relations intern whose work environment constantly challenges his religious values; Yael and Tamar, two Stern College for Women roommates whose snarky adventures within school and the larger uptown community explore the university’s social tensions; and Esti, a new arrival to the Heights whose religious fervor and modest devotion isolates her from the intense “meat-market” mentality of the post-collegiate scene. Snippets of the “Skirts” pilot can be found below. Shapiro said that, although the series’ first episode had to be filmed in Israel due to time constraints, he hopes to move the show to the Washington Heights area by summer 2009. “I’m just waiting on the apartment,” he explained. “The only one in my price range was a shared bedroom with this RIETS guy who collects swords.” continued on page 5

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THE OBSESSOR

THOUGHTS of STUDENT LEADERS

Obsessor

Editor-in-Crisis The Deeply Entertaining Descent from Chana to Olivia E.Z. Fish, President of the Department of Disillusionment

Perhaps we should have seen it coming. The signs were all there. But when Chana Wiznitzer was named Editor-in-Chief of the Stern College for Women’s premier [er, only] newspaper, The Obsessor, we were all far too busy thinking about finals, food, and MRSs to even think about what that might mean. On the face of it, she seemed like a wonderful choice: Young, vibrant, exciting, enthusiastic, and even open-minded: The very qualities Stern College pride itself on, all in one person. But a retrospective on the last 6 months show just how misguided we all were. Were one to trace back just where the building blocks for Chana’s downfall began, one would need only to look at the not-so-tznius t-shirts that were given out with the anti-progressive

Honors Program motto, penned by Chana herself with her trademark flourish: “Brilliance should not look this good.” While most voters who backed this motto merely thought it to be cute, it was a clear signal as to Chana’s intentions and focus. Ever since that grave day, Chana has slowly slipped off the deep end. Her newfound power as Editor-in-Chief changed her – making her completely unstable. Writers on the Obsessor staff, friends, and even random strangers attest to wild and strange behavior, from ridiculous little hops and applause in self-delight to unadulterated joy over any idea which comes to mind – all of which are deemed to be BRILLIANT by Chana herself. These fits of delight are followed by proclamations by Chana

asserting what “problems” exist, what must be done, what will be done, and how it will happen. This assertion of power does not come without a heavy price: At one meeting, not even Obsessorrelated, Chana blew up at her fellow attendees with an “I’m Olivia, and wake UP, because I don’t like speaking to dead people!” But of all the surprising troubles surrounding Chana, it is her religious degradation that has been the most troubling, especially given her powerful position as the voice of the Stern student body. A quick search done on the Obsessor website for “Chana Wiznitzer” responds with the following in just 63 milliseconds: The search engine did not return any matching articles for your search. Olivia Wiznitzer? 45 results. If this alone is not enough evidence, a quick glance at choice quotes of Chana’s and an analysis of her actions show clearly her mindset: “In a world where many are struggling to reconcile their Judaism and sexuality, it is important to know that there are those who are willing to listen. What is the Jewish perspective on sexuality? More importantly, how is one to learn about it? We all know the rules. But what happens when we break them?” Perhaps these more clearly explain the survey that has been on the Obsessor website for months about shomer negiah. Does she abide by her own statement of “We live in a world where we compartmentalize halakha, which we generally conceive of as being laws”, by compartmentalizing the halacha away when it is

The Yeshiva University

inconvenient? Does anyone think that perhaps Ms. Wiznitzer has shifted from her holier Chana side to a “brilliant but looking-good” Olivia side? On the flip side, perhaps we shouldn’t be so hard on Chana/ Olivia or so quick to judge what she has expressed and done. Perhaps her name crisis is simply a hint to a greater identity crisis: “This is aside from the question of how Orthodox Jews ought to treat [a post-op transsexual] on a whole. Is he to be included within the community, or summarily excluded?” Or perhaps it’s something even more serious, as hinted at it in pieces she’s composed on eating disorders and mental disorders: “What comes next? How does one proceed? Whom should I contact, and how do I go about doing so?” Note also the continued and growing presence of “anonymous” responses to issues – are these perhaps the numerous personalities of Chana/Olivia expressing themselves in a myriad of ways, under a cloak of secrecy? Or maybe she’s simply power-hungry, and weighing her future moves by testing the waters – gauging the reactions of the Stern population to other, similar power grabs. However, whatever is causing Ms. [Mr.?] Wiz to slide like this, and however much we may understand how difficult life has become for her, we must remember that to understand is not to condone. “Unfortunately, this is difficult for some to comprehend. Some prefer to operate under the assumption that all things are

President Joel

President Josiah Bartlet, President of the United States of America

Dr. Hillel Davis Leo McGarry, Chief of Staff

Josh Joseph

Joshua Lyman, Deputy Chief of Staff

Georgia Pollak C.J. Cregg, Press Secretary

Marc Fein

Charlie Young, Personal Aide

Hadassa Rubinstein

Donna Moss, Senior Assistant to Deputy White House Chief of Staff

continued on page 15

OBSESSION by Calvin Klein FOR WOMEN is a flowery fragrance made up of citrus, vanilla and greens while including notes of sandalwood, spices and musk. It is the one and only scent for The Obsessor editors. You wish you wore it, too.

The Obsessor is published monthly during the academic year by the Stern College for Women Student Council. The staff of the paper retains the right to choose newspaper content and to determine the priority of stories. While unsigned editorials represent the views of the Obsessor’s editorial board, all opinions expressed in signed editorials, columns, letters, and cartoons are the opinions of the writers or artists and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of The Obsessor, Stern College for Women, its student body, faculty, or administration. All Obsessor content is copyrighted and may not be reprinted without permission.

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THE OBSESSOR 3

NEWS “Eat Your Speaker!” Series A Success Lela Harbinger Stern College for Women Student Council (SCWSC) kicked off their most recent series of lectures, “Eat Your Speaker!”, earlier this month. An effort to reach out to a wider variety of students on campus, the series will comprise of speakers whose names match up with the refreshments of the evening. While some have considered the potential disrespect involved in such a setup, the program has met with impressive turnouts. The series retroactively began on December 11, when Stern’s program A Torah Exploration of Ideas, Questions and Understanding (TEIQU) brought in Dr. James L. Kugel for a night of Torah study. Kugel was served as refreshment.

On February 28, the series continued with Dr. Karen Bacon. She spoke to a satisfied audience about her life experiences, including her own time at Stern College. SCWSC realized that the content might be a problem, so they cleverly substituted the traditional breakfast food with fake bacon and other fleishig meats that looked like bacon. Next on the agenda is Rabbi Dr. Daniel Rapp, coming from the uptown campus. He will address the halachot for ordering food on a date. Wraps will be served. While no other speakers are currently scheduled to appear, SCWSC is hoping to get Dr. Leon Twizzler, Mrs. Chani Toast, and Eminem.

Yeshiva plans on opening a Starbucks franchise on campus in an effort to brew up much-needed funds after the Madoff scandal.

Brewing Up Money at Beren Docta Pepper

Kidor the Innkeeper, Forerunner to Madoff C.J. Cregg A member of the Kevutzas Yisrael (more commonly known as The Kevutza) attired in a black hat, long tzitzis [prayer fringes] and seemingly new shiny black loafers accosted and frightened a Stern student as she walked along the corridor between Port Authority to Times Square 42nd Street Station. “I was late for the train,” Sophia Wiznitzer (SCW ’10) stated breathlessly, “and as I was running, this man comes up to me shouting ‘Why didn’t you remember Kidor the Innkeeper?’” Sophia noted that she was immediately wary of the man once he mentioned innkeepers, because she herself is a convert descended from Rahav. “I thought he was attempting to slight my family,” she admitted. “It was very upsetting.” The man, whom Sophia described as out-of-breath and angry, lacked the intense fervor held by the usually Christian denizens of the 42nd street passageway. Instead of promoting placards, handing out flyers, or praising Jesus, this man was very concerned

about the plight of the Jewish people, which he expressed by allowing his temper to reign forth upon hapless Sophia. “Kidor the Innkeeper,” the man allegedly shouted, his eyes very bright and angry, “was the forerunner to Madoff! And yet, what did you and the rest of those who attend your inglorious institution do? Why, you forget the very precepts of the Torah! Kidor was the warning! God never brings the plague without creating the antidote, the cure, the medicine in advance!” Upon Sophia’s tripping over her own shoe in her effort to get away from the infuriated man, she found herself a captive audience in the most literal sense of the term as he railed at her. “Yoma 83b,” he spat. “Yoma 83b!” Upon The Obsessor’s investigation into the matter, it would appear that the angry man was referring to the well-known story of the journeys of Rabbi Meir, Rabbi Yose and Rabbi Yehuda, who were traveling together and had to stop

Madoff Devil Doll comes with hammer with which to smash it.

continued on page 15

savvysugar.com

Devorah Libman

An anonymous source from within President Joel’s office has informed The Obsessor of the university’s newest plan for raising much-needed revenue in the wake of the Madoff scandal and the economic downturn. Yeshiva has reportedly been in contact with Starbucks concerning opening a Starbucks franchise on the Beren campus. The universityowned coffeehouse will reportedly replace the Beren campus’s Center for the Jewish Future (CJF) store-

front. Plans for relocating the CJF are not set, but may involve moving it into the Brookdale front lounge or into a 10th floor classroom in the 245 Lexington school building. CJF administrators had no comment. The Obsessor’s anonymous source reported that university officials anticipate attracting students, Lexington Avenue pedestrians, as well as neighboring Opus Dei employees to the new Starbucks. Additionally, officials plan to limit operating costs by

hiring students as baristas. Taking inspiration from the payment system used at the SOY Seforim Sale, officials purportedly plan to pay student employees in “Coffee Bucks”—credit to be used toward Starbucks purchases—rather than in real money. How this will affect the university’s economic health remains to be seen, but administrators are hopeful that it is the just right jolt that our sluggish budget requires.

Budget Cuts Force YU to Retire All rm Staff; Students Undertake Long-Te Independent Study Goatee McMurray

In a surprising twist of events, Yeshiva University President Richard Joel announced this Adar that the university has decided to cut costs by retiring all faculty and staff members for the remainder of the semester. However, Joel stressed that the institution remains as committed as ever to providing quality Jewish and secular education and programming for its students and the wider Yeshiva University family. “Now that Stern College for Women and Yeshiva College campuses will be free of all educators, administration and security guards,” said Joel, “students are going to have to step up to the plate and bat their studies into their own heads. We have every confidence that our students have the ability to do this.” The Obsessor spent a day observing some of the remarkable changes that have taken place at Stern College for Women since the announcement. On the fifth floor of 245 Lexington, Biology for Non-majors students band together to prepare their own fetal pigs for dissection. “We’ve figured out a way to do it without having to touch all the gross piggy bits,” said one young woman off to get a manicure. “At times like this, I remember and miss Dean Bacon,” said another student, looking at her animal

tearfully. Art History students have encountered more hashkaficallybased (theological) challenges in their studies. Much of Medieval and Renaissance art depicts the Virgin Mary with the child Jesus, and some students with limited background knowledge of Christian theology have been interpreting certain paintings in impossible ways. “She’s really cute,” said one New Yorker, indicating Mary in Raphael’s Virgin and Child. “And she’s really young. I think the artist is saying that’s what happens when you find your shidduch really quickly. Like, you don’t even know what hit you, and then all of a sudden, thank God, nine months later you have a cute kid.” Perhaps a positive effect of the new policy is that Stern students have miraculously stopped complaining about the Hebrew requirement. For the first time, women in Hebrew classes gaze at the front of the class enraptured; their eyes are glued to the projector, which plays old episodes of Eretz Nehederet (often referred to as Israel’s Saturday Night Live) and Merhak Negiah, the riveting soap about a passionate love affair between a haredi girl and Russian immigrant in Bnei Brak. “I never knew how much I could like Hebrew,” twittered an exuberant Brookdale resident. “Next week we’re watching Rehov Sumsum [Sesame Street]. I’m bringing humus.”

Admittedly, the absence of Security presents challenges to Stern College’s student body. Thus far, individual floors of each dormitory have dealt with the problem by having residents taking turns standing in the hallway at night with a hammer, rape whistle and cell phone with 911 on speed-dial 1 close at hand. Students also encourage peers who have boyfriends to use the males as guards whenever possible. As there are no guards to prevent access of YU guys to the dorms anymore, this poses no difficulty. Some students see their own silver lining in this dark cloud. “On the bright side of this whole fiasco, taking books out of the reference library has never been easier,” related a senior working on her exit project. “I would encourage parents and students to consider this just another step in the evolutionary nature of Yeshiva University,” suggested President Joel. “We are enabling our students to be independent, and we are ennobling them to not hurt anyone or slide into insanity while doing it.”

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THE OBSESSOR

NEWS Segregated Stern: No More Suffering Singles

Soaring Cafeteria Prices Spur Asian Vacation Goatee McMurray While most students have thus far chosen to react to the sorry state of sushi overpricing with groans, intra-Beren Campus kvetching and, ultimately, submission, 10 women from Schottenstein Dormitory’s seventh floor (west side) are utilizing the scandal in a positive way. Each woman on Floor 7 West eats sushi at Le Bistro, the cafeteria in the basement of Sy Syms School of Business, twice a day: 8 pieces for lunch, and a specialty roll for supper. Together, they determined that while college is in session, they eat on campus for at least 30 full weeks per year. Each Le Bistro week contains four days (Monday through Thursday). An 8-piece sushi roll at Le Bistro costs $6.25 (vegetable rolls) or $6.75 (fish, mock crab), while the same rolls at Eden Wok cost $5.25 and $5.75, respectively. Specialty rolls at Le Bistro cost $12.15; Eden Wok charges only $10.50. Thus, each woman would be overcharged $2.65 per day at Le Bistro, adding up to $10.60 per week and a whopping $318.00 per year.

Instead of yielding to the exorbitant cafeteria prices, the floormates have been dining at Eden Wok and placing $2.65 every day into a communal cookie jar located in the RA’s room. At the end of the academic year, the 10 women will have each contributed $318.00, totaling $3180.00. They will then place their cafeteria cards into a black hat. The RA will draw two cards at random, and the lucky ladies whose cards are drawn will get to fly direct from Newark to Tokyo on Continental flight 9 on May 24, 2009, stay for six nights at the Akasaka Hotel, and return to New York on Continental flight 8 on May 31, 2009. “I think it’s really cool that by eating sushi two blocks away from school rather than at school,” exclaims one cookie jar contributor, “two of us are going to get to go to the Land of Sushi and the Rising Sun itself.” The whole travel package costs $3017.81, so the two winners will even have $162.19 spending money—a glorious way to celebrate the end of finals and the conclusion of the cafeteria year. Don’t think the numbers, flights and possibilities exist? Look it up.

New CJF Kashrus Certification Threatens OU Status C.J. Cregg In the aftermath of Madoff, President Richard Joel and Rabbi Kenneth Brander, Dean of the Center for the Jewish Future (CJF) have been wracking their brains to come up with ways to allow for the continued influx of money into Yeshiva University coffers. After the recent Torah Exploration of Ideas, Questions, and Understanding (TEIQU) event entitled “The Kosher Quandary: Ethics and Kashrut,” which attracted an overflow crowd that completely filled Weissberg Commons, Brander was certain that kashrus was the way to go. “It was clear that the undergraduate community felt passionately about this issue,” he stated, noting the clear identification the crowd had felt with the Tav HaYosher symbol proposed by the Uri L’Tzedek social justice organization. “In keeping with our mission of having one foot in the classroom and one in the community, it is time to bring Yeshiva University’s wisdom to life in the real world.” Brander explained that the CJF will be expanding to include a kashrus division, much like that of the Orthodox Union. “The Orthodox Union initially began as a national Jewish Orthodox rabbinical organization in 1898,” he noted, “but expanded in 1923 to start its kashruth division.” Similarly, the CJF has supported YU Kollels and outreach efforts around the world, whether via service-learning programs or rabbinic training sessions, and will now branch out to include the daily matter of food in its list of public services.

The CJF’s mission statement declares that it “nurtures these eager, energetic students, matching them with programs and placements that will build their leadership skills while benefiting the communities in which they serve.” In keeping with the statement, TEIQU organizers Gilah Kletenik and Simcha Gross were among the first to publicly support the initiative, which they felt was an appropriate response to the ethical dilemmas posed by the Rubashkin Agriprocessors scandal. Rabbi Brander has remained evasive when asked as to whether the CJF hashgacha [certification] would cover Rubashkin meat. “At this time our interest is in ennobling and ennabling Judaism,” he averred. “We wish to create a synergy which ignites passion and nourishes the soul.” The CJF kashrus symbol is a takeoff of the new YU logo, which features the flames of Torah UMadda interlocking and rising upwards from the symbolic “YU” torch. The traditional shield logo was dismissed long ago by President Joel since it did not allow YU’s public image to conform significantly enough to that of NYU, his alma mater. When asked for his thoughts on the new initiative, Rabbi Menachem Genack, rabbinic administrator of the Orthodox Union’s kashrut division, buried his face in his hands. “We are truly alarmed by this new form of competition,” he said softly, while struggling not to cry. “I just hope CJF is not planning to start a youth group anytime soon.”

Gavriella Lerner A new policy, effective for the Fall 2009 semester, will implement segregated classes between single and married students. Starting then, students will only be allowed to sign up for courses in slots designated according to marital status; any student who gets married mid-semester will have all of her classes immediately reassigned by computer. Early last semester, a group of single students sat together in the Caf talking about how weary they were of dating and singlehood when one of the girls mentioned that it doesn’t help having to be confronted with the obvious marriage visuals on an hourly basis. The others agreed with the sen-

timent, and the idea for this new scheduling policy was born. They immediately drew up a petition and collected over 400 signatures before turning it over to Dean Braun, who then worked tirelessly to have the measure approved. “I am really glad that something is finally being done about this untenable situation,” says Chanie Rosen (SCW ’10), who was largely behind the petition, “as my grades have really suffered lately, because of my inability to concentrate in class. It’s just so hard, having to look at them, with their glittery diamonds, colorful scarves, and beautiful wigs, wishing it was you with the ring and the head-covering.” Many other single girls, sensi-

YC Honors Adopts New Slogan In Response To SCW’S Toby Ziegler In reaction to Stern College for Women’s new Honors Program slogan, “Brilliance Shouldn’t Look this Good,” the parallel student body at Yeshiva College recently cast votes to settle upon a new slogan of their own. After a bitter campaign, marked by vicious negative YouTube ads and the formation of several malicious Facebook groups, “Shtark is the New Sexy” has been selected by majority vote, with “Likes Torah U’madda and Long Walks on the Beach” coming in a close second. Both campuses’ mantras are set to become the cornerstone of the latest YU apparel, in the form of duffel bags, mugs, baseball caps, t-shirts and the new sign on Prof. Will Lee’s office door - and both have drawn significant criticism, though when asked to comment, the majority of YU Roshei Yeshiva responded, “the new slogan is a shanda, but what is this you say about us having a girls’ campus?” Rabbi Jeremy Wieder added, “I can’t speak for my colleagues, but

personally, I think this is an embarrassment for YU and talmidei hakhamim the world over – after all, everyone knows it’s spelled ‘shtarq’”. But praise for the shirts has emanated from unexpected quarters. Kevodah B. Melekh, an SCW sophomore and spokeswoman for the Zealous Orthodox Negiah Assessment Homefront (ZONAH), expressed satisfaction with the new clothing line. “At least they go to the elbows, and have a decent neckline,” she explained. And what about the questionable message on the t-shirts themselves? “We really couldn’t care less. After all, halakha is all about the external fulfillment of a chiyyuv, not some essential message.” For those of you anxiously awaiting the sale of the shirts, never fear: they’ll be sold at next year’s SOY Seforim Sale. Alternatively, you can pick up your own free copy of the t-shirt from the shady guy who’s always in Golan Heights, or by, horror of horrors, joining the honors program yourself!

customink.com Yeshiva College Honors Program currently boasts its own slogan in reaction to SCW’s “Brilliance Shouldn’t Look This Good.”

tive about their almost-old-maid status, echoed similar sentiments. “It’s painful just looking at them, especially since it’s so obvious who they are,” laments Michal Farbstein (SCW ’09), “and although this won’t help me any, as I’m graduating, I am happy just knowing that in the future, others will not have to suffer the shame and indignity of being constantly reminded of their single status.” “I’m a little concerned about being relegated to some sort of second-class status, “conjectures Tzivia Horowitz (SCW ’10), “but then again, singlehood is by nature second class, as we strive to achieve marriage. And it hurts being confronted daily with your failures, seeing a constant parade of those who succeeded and made it look so easy. That matters more than the possible ramifications of segregation. The new schedule will definitely allow me to focus on class rather than on my feelings of envy, jealousy, and self-pity.” Although the details are yet to be finalized, two things have been made clear by the administration: Every course offering will be available in at least one single slot and one married slot, and all earlymorning and evening slots will be designated as single slots so as not to burden the married students, who have to commute from all over the tri-state area. “Because of the sensitive nature of this initiative, care is being taken to make sure the new system is as fair as possible,” says Dean Braun, “marital status should not preclude anyone from benefiting from all the wonderful opportunities this institution has to offer.” Reactions amongst the married students were mixed. “Why are they making such a big deal over this?” wonders Mindy (Weiss) Silverman (SCW ’09), “The sight of married women never upset me when I was single. By giving credence to these feelings, the administration just reinforces the stereotype that being 21 and unmarried is this terrible crisis.” “I certainly like the idea that I can have a more suitable schedule next semester,” says Dina (Waldbaum) Stein (SCW ’10), “but I am a little concerned about keeping things equal here. Will the singles be treated as second class because of this? Or will the professors purposely give less rigorous courses to the marrieds so as not to ‘overburden’ them with more responsibilities? Is this going to lead to segregation in the Caf? There are definitely many positives about the new policy, but we have to be careful about the possible unintended consequences.” “This is definitely a good thing,” according to Sara (Levine) Goodman (SCW ’09), who just got married over winter break, “I wish they had done this earlier. My single days are recent enough that I can still remember the pain, loneliness, and stress of singlehood, and how seeing married women in their head-coverings, and hearing them talk giddily about their husbands was like a knife in my heart.” There remains the question of where engaged students will fit continued on page 5

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NEWS “Srugim” Spinoff Set in Washington Heights continued from page 1

CHRIS: Don’t mention it. You work hard.

TAMAR: Natural selection? Who knows?

Aviva managed to snag the only empty seat on the bus to work, but she didn’t look closely enough at her neighbor:

JOSH: Wow, that’s really incredible. Just um…you know…

YAEL: All the guys are sitting together at two tables!

CHRIS: What, the kosher thing?

TAMAR: Yup.

MOSHE: I can’t believe you just did that.

JOSH: Yeah, I’m sorry about that, I just...I could suggest some places…

YAEL: And all the girls are sitting at all-girl tables!

This week, on “Skirts”:

AVIVA: Oh! It’s you! MOSHE: You better believe it’s me. You almost fell on me. AVIVA: Um…ah…sorry-MOSHE: The shadchan said you had modesty problems. I could have saved myself a lot of trouble. AVIVA: What was I supposed to do, stand with my suitcase so I wouldn’t sit next to you? MOSHE: After four dates? Hello? Josh got some good news from his supervisor at the P.R. firm, but there’s a catch: CHRIS: So, Josh. Who’s your buddy? You and me are going to lunch with the floor manager today! JOSH: Ah—wow! That’s…wow. Dude. I owe you like…

CHRIS: Miles ahead of you, man. I know you can’t do the dairy and the meat thing. That’s why we picked seafood. Put on your jacket, Jew boy! Yael and Tamar decided to do Shabbos at school for a change: YAEL: Wow, I’m so glad I stayed in for this Shabbaton. Looks like there’s a lot of decent guys this week. TAMAR: This must be your first Shabbat in. YAEL: Why do you say that? TAMAR: You’ll see. Ten minutes later… YAEL: What the—why are all the tables segregated?

tune for Baruch Kal Elyon. HUDI: Okay, if you’re so smart, why don’t you sing the right tune and we’ll follow along? ESTI: Oh, come on. You know I can’t do that. HUDI: Why not?

TAMAR: Uh huh.

ESTI: Because it’s…because I can’t!

YAEL: But- how did this happen?

JEREMY: We’re not gonna keep going until you give us the tune.

TAMAR: It’s amazing what twenty years of separate education will do for you.

HUDI: Nu. Come on.

YAEL: What did they even come for?

ESTI: Look, I’m sorry for starting with you. You start singing, and I’ll follow your tune.

TAMAR: Food’s better. Or so I hear.

HUDI: No, I think I’ll wait for you to sing.

Meanwhile, Esti decided to enjoy a nice Shabbat in the Heights with mixed meals:

ESTI: I. Don’t. Do that.

SHABBAT GUESTS: Barrrrruch…. kal….ellllll….yon…

JEREMY: It’s shevach vi’hoda’ah!

ESTI: That’s not the right tune. HUDI: Are you insulting my tunepicking skills? ESTI: No. Just…that’s not the right

HUDI: Oh well, no singing.

ESTI: Grrr! Will Aviva survive the bus ride? Will Josh go to the restaurant? Will Yael and Tamar meet people? Will Esti sing in front of men? Tune in next week…

Kol Hamevaser Splits in Two, Forming “Ham” and “Vaser” continued from page 1

name ‘Ham’, we remind ourselves constantly of the temptation of the forbidden.” Some staff members take this a step further. “Ham will one day be kosher,” explains Benyamina Blackstone, who asserts that “a fundamental part of the process of pesak is the understanding of current and specific circumstances so that Halakhah and life can co-exist in a way that is both “naeh la-Makom ve-na’eh la-beriyot” (pleasant for God and pleasant for human beings).” In today’s societal climate, it is imperative that our desire for ham not be repressed any longer, she claims. After seeing the musical Oliver!, Blackstone interpreted the song “Food, Glorious Food” to reference ham in the line where it refers to “[h]ot sausage [a]nd [m]ustard,” and adds this to her contention that ham will one day be kosher. The Obsessor contacted other ‘Vaser’ male editors for comment, but were informed that this was not possible for halakhic reasons. “We are very careful in observing ‘Al Tarbe Sicha Im Ha’isha,’ so we don’t talk to girls unless it’s for shidduch purposes,” they contended.

President Faces Major Lawsuit, Bob the Builder Fights Back continued from page 1

well that he stole my line! I don’t care that he’s the president-- He needs to own up, and pay up!” Shapiro the lawyer also commented on the injustice of how the suit, which was filed months before the November election, is only now coming to the public’s attention. “The people had a right to know about this blatant act of plagiarism before they went to the voting booths,” he says, “and yet the campaign headquarters consistently dodged responsibility and pretended we didn’t exist. They purposely hushed it all up until Obama was safely in office. This is exceedingly inappropriate conduct.” A team of executive lawyers is currently working to possibly settle, although even a settlement is likely to cost in the tens of millions of dollars. Congress has been prompted to action to propose a bill to reign in “frivolous lawsuits”, including a special clause to cap payments in copyright settlements. Speaker Nancy Pelosi is largely behind the initiative. “I am shocked and dismayed that this man has the indecency to go after the most perfect, blameless politician to ever walk the hallowed halls of the

Segregated Stern: No More Suffering Singles

White House,” she says, waving her hands angrily, “and we are working to get this bill passed so that this won’t happen again. Obama is so perfect, that we really should forgive such a minor indiscretion, if it even was an indiscretion at all.” However, the Republicans are relishing at this opportunity to cause trouble for the new president. “The law is the law, and our president has clearly broken it,” says a gleeful Senator Pat Roberts, “and we are planning a filibuster if the Democrats try to pass this bill. I also demand a recount for the election!” While Congress and the Obama administration continue to scramble for options in light of this development, Chapman claims he never intended to cause any sort of national upheaval. “I only ask for justice, and fair compensation as the injured party,” he says, “I do respect Obama as our president, but at the same time, he has to understand that he did something wrong, and he needs to pay for it. I’m the little guy he claims he wants to help, so he should now act on that and publicly apologize to me and compensate me for my losses.”

continued from page 4

Bob the Builder sticks it to the Man.

obamicon.me

into the new system. “Ideally, they would get their own time slots,” according to Rosen, “but we understand that might not be realistic. They could alternatively go in the married classes, but they might not be happy with that, as it could make their anticipation unbearable. We are also putting forward the idea that they would be in the singles classes, but forbidden to wear their rings during class hours.” As the policy will not take effect until September, care is being taken to help pained singles now. The counseling center remains open to those wishing to vent and lament. Single students are also being encouraged to attend numerous support and chizuk sessions to be held at various Pesach hotels this year.

Adar 5769

THE OBSESSOR

6

Arts and Culture “Stern: The Musical” Di Rektor The scene opens on a student, RACHEL, giving a tour to a couple of potential students on a typical school day. Rachel is waiting for her charges in the lobby of 245 Lexington, when she notices an influx of Stern Students come in the revolving doors. The security guards start shouting “ID!”

“Identification” SECURITY GUARDS: ID! ID! That’s all we want Just flash it in our faces and pass on through ID! ID! We know it’s early in the morning But we promise that’s all we want from you. We don’t care if you’re wearing tights A mini-skirt or something in between Honey, we’ve seen it all To walk down the hall, To class or caf, You’ve gotta show ID. We see you in your little groups The pleated skirts and jeans The Uggs and heels and black flat shoes We don’t really know what each thing means

STERN GIRL: Well, I identify as not-quiteblack-hatAnd-not-quite-Yeshivish-YUbut-somewhere… SECURITY GUARDS: Save it for your resume, Just show us some ID!

As the song dies down, Rachel notices two young girls at the security desk, waiting. She approaches them, assuming they are the girls she’s supposed to be taking around. She signs them in with her own ID card. “Hi guys, I’m Rachel. I’m going to be taking you around today. We’re going to be looking at both buildings, and some classes and features in each. You’re in luck – this afternoon is something called a Town Hall Meeting. President Joel comes and addresses the entire school, and that’s what we’re going to end off with today. I thought I would start our tour with the Beit Midrash. It’s on the seventh floor…” As they approach the elevators, Rachel notices the larger than normal crowd of girls, with iced Guy and Gallard coffees and cell phones in hand, complaining. “How will I get to the third floor now?” one laments, sulking in her three inch heels.

“Broken Elevators /Lonely Hearts” STERN GIRL 1: The elevator’s broken I just don’t need this today They messed up my iced coffee And they still made me pay! You’d think after the night I had I would get some sort of break My boyfriend, he’s such a jerk What an awful date! Broken Elevators, you’ve deserted me Lonely hearts, that’s all I see For all eternity

STERN GIRL 2: (spoken) You think YOUR night

Twice Upon A Mattress Lela Harbinger Yeshiva College Dramatics Society (YCDS) put on their second musical, “Twice Upon a Mattress”, on March 1st. Directed by Lins Nider and stage manager Manny Hoffberg, the play ran a full fortnight of sold-out shows. Due to their original difficulties in getting copyright approval for their chosen plays, YCDS decided that following in the footsteps of Stern College Dramatics Society (SCDS), who successfully attained rights to Rodgers and Hammerstein’s “Once Upon a Mattress”, would be the best course of action. However, due to complications, YCDS was unable get the rights, but luckily they had already tinkered with the gender casting to render copyright unnecessary. The cast of men playing manly men was sure to be a hit. A week before the play, however, tragedy struck and the costume closet caught fire. A mere week before performances were scheduled, an ingenious

switch took place. Reusing SCDS’s costumes and the ingenious work of costumes mistress KeeKee Fein of SCDS, Prince Dauntless became Princess Dauntful (Bosh Hecktmann), King Septamus became Queen’s Consort Septamae (Troy Hulf), Sir Harry became Madame Harriet (Jeramo Magel), and the knights turned into ladies-inwaiting. The acting embodied much of the show’s original flavor, and was only slightly dampened by the gender confusion. While no one could quite understand why Queen Aggravain (Tachum Foal) did not want the two princesses to get together, the storyline moved itself along. The elaborate songand-dance sequences showed that even white Yeshiva boys can shake their hips. Thanks to a good showing and support from SCDS, YCDS has raised enough money to ensure that next year’s performance will not be a repeat.

was bad? (sung)I waited over half an hour For my guy to show When he finally picked me up He didn’t know where to go He had no plan for the date He had no plan for life He wanted a personal cook and P.A. He didn’t want a wife! Broken Elevators, you’ve deserted me Lonely hearts, that’s all I see For all eternity Bridge: STERN GIRL 3: Oh my phone sits silently, I’m waiting For my shachan to call, I’m waiting Did he like me, and she’s just lazy Or am I crazy For thinking we’re going out again? I’m waiting… For elevators, for boys, I’m waiting… Broken Elevators, you’ve deserted me Lonely hearts, that’s all I see For all eternity, that’s all I see… *Sigh* I guess I’ll take the stairs.

One girl pipes up and says, “Well, MY date went amazing!” Everyone glares and mutters, “Shut up.” All sigh and trudge towards the stairs. The visiting students turn to Rachel. “Um, Ok guys,” Rachel decides, “We’re going to start our tour with the cafeteria. Maybe by the time we’re done down there they’ll have the elevators fixed.” The girls head downstairs. Rachel is determined to do her job and starts describing the various qualities of the lovely cafeteria, “Now, as you can see, the tables are strategically placed for maximum… maximum something. I’m not sure what. It’s certainly too loud in here to study, and the tables are a little awkward to move around…” She looks around, and realizes she’s lost her charges. She finds them in front of a huge glass case filled with pastries. Rachel, knowing that her lure will never match that of refined sugar and trans fats, helps her charges decide between Muffins and cookies. Suddenly, CHRIS says, “Ladies, move, hot stuff coming through…and baked potatoes!” Uproarious laughter ensues. Suddenly, a song/rap starts, including all the cafeteria personnel.

“Caf Rap” Chris: Cards in hand ladies, Cards in hand I’ll fly ‘em through the scanner Like Peter Pan I got my ipod on and texting on plan I can do it all with these two hands.

Caf Guys at Food Station: Talk to me ladies, Talk to me I got your lunch right here It’s pasta with cheese Fish of the day In some kind of sauce For all your food needs Ya’ll know who’s boss ALL: Yeah, we work in the caf And there’s no shame We’re stuck in the basement But ya’ll know our name We got your ice cream What you need to keep racing Frozen yogurt with toppings Sprinkles cookies and raisins You depend on us It’s alright, it’s cool Joel may be President But WE run the school!

*Dance Party in the cafeteria ensues* Meanwhile, on the 12/14th floor of 215 Lexington, the phones are ringing off the hook. Complaints about the elevators being broken, confirmation that the visitors are safe and, indeed, being taken care of. All of a sudden, a voice is heard from Dean Bacon’s office, “Who on earth sent out this e-mail?” All the assistants, confused, look to each other for guidance. “What e-mail?” they ask. Dean Bacon reads: Budget Cuts: To Whom It May Concern: Due to our financial straits And lack of stimulation Regretfully, we must impose A limit on communication Quotas now exist for The amount of words and ink That you can use to print your work We’re sure that this will help (we think!) As we’re sure you’re all aware YU’s out several million dollars To deal with this financial loss, We hope you won’t be bothered, but We’re cutting back on a few small things Like ink for all your papers Thanks for understanding and Allowing budget tapers. Sincerely, The Administration As assistant whispers, “But… Dean Bacon IS the administration!” Back to the tour, as Rachel shows the visitors the glory of the science labs that smell of formaldehyde, one of the visitors pipes up, “Hey, when do we get the free stuff?” Rachel, confused, asks, “What free stuff?” “Well, last year, when my friend visited, she got tons of free stuff from YU.” Rachel, looking chagrined, answers, “Oh, I’m not sure YU does that anymore. You see, we’ve had

to cut down on a lot of the budget…” RACHEL: Well, you see, not just your gifts, Have vanished in the air Rather, many things in the name of money Are being left quite bare At events there used to be Tables full of food galore Security in the elevators Controlling it to every floor Now our lifts are chaos And we’re always late to class There is no free food anywhere To feed the starving mass The economy has hurt us Our endowment’s down the drain And then Madoff stole our money We almost went insane! And so enjoy the tour And all the sights that you will see But I’m very sorry to inform you There are no gifts for free (anymore). The tour continues in the Stern building. During one of the class breaks, while waiting for the (fixed) elevators, the visitors start asking questions of the girls. “So, what are you majoring in?” About fifteen girls respond at the same time. It’s a jumble of “Psychology!” and “Biology!” As more girls come to the elevators, more and more chime in with “Psych!” and “Bio!” There’s one feeble cry of “English Literature” but that girl’s voice is drowned out while the rest begin to sing:

BIO MAJORS: Bio is the toughest major Offered here in Stern But you’re guaranteed a future When you finish out your term The world always needs doctors

If you succeed, you’re set for life! ONE BIO MAJOR: Well, really, only if you can pass Through Orgo and its strife. BIO MAJORS: SHHH! PSYCH MAJORS: The field of psychology Many wonders for you to see! The field is always growing With frum lady OT’s. Don’t worry about the lonely worries That new jobs seem to lend With a market glutted with your Stern buddies, You’ll always have a friend! EVERYONE: Pay no attention to the other Majors in this school The most important majors Are talking here, to you! continued on page 7

Adar 5769

THE OBSESSOR 7

Arts and Culture “Stern: The Musical” continued from page 6

DETERMINED ENGLISH MAJOR: Well, the English Major is really great too! EVERYONE ELSE: Yeah, but what are you doing after graduation?

well meaning assistant. The staff files out, President Joel is left in the room, looking melancholy and

The Enable/Ennoble Soliloquy

EVERYONE ELSE: That’s what we thought! Psych and Bio, Psych and Bio It’s the major to be! Psych and Bio, Psych and Bio Come and join me!

I can’t say it was on purpose I was just looking for a line I guess alliteration And poetic formation Build one that lasts for a darn long time

Um, well…

One of the visitors looks at the other and whispers, “But I don’t WANT to go into OT!” Rachel looks at her watch, and realizes that it’s almost time for the Town Hall meeting. “Come on guys!” she says to her charges. “The Town Hall meeting is going to start in a few minutes. We’ve got to head over to the other building now so we can get decent seats.” The three of them squeeze into an overstuffed elevator, rather like sardines, and go down. When they get to their destination, they take their seats. The room is already starting to fill up, but President Joel is nowhere to be seen… In a classroom, in preparation for the Town Hall meeting, President Joel and his staff have gathered for one last discussion. “Alright guys, let’s get going. Time to enable and ennoble them!” says a

Environmentally Destructive Trip 2009- Application

serious:

I think, that maybe, I need a new catch phrase This one’s getting hard to bear It caught on Like a favorite song It’s stuck in my head and it’s everywhere.

ENGLISH MAJOR:

Yeshiva University Center for the Jewish Future

“Enable…and ennoble” Ah, those words, they were so sweet Now it’s really all I hear Nails on a chalkboard to my ears I’m ready, oh I’m ready to admit defeat I’m more than just two words! My eloquence is lost! Oh, enable and ennoble me To find my new identity I don’t care about the cost I might fire that darn Fellow If I ever learn their name The one that bound me to this phrase I swear there will be hell to pay! For giving me this fame I hate this line, it never ends It is everywhere I go Can we find some employee continued on page 15

The Nava Wexler Environmentally Destructive Trip in collaboration with the Recyclemania Environmental Traitors Foundation. On This Trip, You Will… • Melt glaciers! • Burn holes in the Ozone Layer! • Destroy the Rainforest! • Drive gaz-guzzling Hummers! • Make polar bears (and other species) extinct once and for all! • Litter- especially Styrofoam (hi Abby Vishniavsky  ) • Burn stuff! Trip Note: As per Justin Rosenblum, Trip Coordinator, all deodorant and hairspray must come from aerosol spray cans, or it will be confiscated.

Contact Information First Name: ________________

Last Name: ____________________

Name as it appears on your passport: _____________________________ Permanent Address: ___________________________________________ City: ________________ State: ______________ Zip: _______________ Cell Phone: ______________________ Email: ______________________ School: _________________________ School Address: ______________ Year in School: ___________________ Major: ______________________ Passport Information Passport Number: _________________ Expiration Date: _______________ Emergency Contact Name: _______________________ Address: _________________________ Cell Phone: ___________________ Secondary Phone: __________________ Relationship: __________________ Email: ____________________________

Short Answers 1. Please list all social, school-related, religious, and neighborhood projects and programs, highlighting volunteer and Jewish community activities that you have been involved in. 2. What characteristics do you possess that will facilitate your functioning as an effective member of the Environmentally Destructive team (polluting, hunting, fire-spreading, etc)? 3. What are you hoping to gain from this experience? 4. How do you see destroying the environment as a form of Tikun Olam [fixing the world]? Devorah Libman In Monsey, Naked juice is no longer sold in grocery stores due to the inappropriate name. Therefore, the name has been changed to Tznius.

8

Adar 5769

THE OBSESSOR

Fashion Beis Yaakov Barbie: Plastic that’s Not Pritzut Talia Elizabeth Kaufman For her 50th birthday, Mattel is giving Barbie a whole new look! A year after the release of their first

Why Don’t You Rush Delta Jew? Talia Elizabeth Kaufman

Jewish Doll: Shana Aleph Barbie, they have announced that they will be manufacturing a second edition: Beis Yaakov Barbie. “We wanted

to open up a whole new world to Barbie and her wardrobe, keeping her away from the pritzus of her previous life performing roles such as Butterfly Princess, Malibu Resident and Dolphin Trainer. We want her to scream, “I have mamishe flipped-out!’” In one of her new Beis Yaakov incarnations, Barbie will don a pleated black skirt with matching tights. She will wear a buttondown shirt to draw attention away from her infamous figure and into her nashama. Her golden locks will be pulled into a modest but youthful braid. Barbie’s constant standing on her tippy-toes is also seen as problematic by the Chasidish community as it is not keeping with the laws of modesty behavior and implies the need for the ostentatiously musical high-heeled shoes. So her heels have been lowered to accommodate her subtler look of black flats. She accessorizes with a mini copy of Inside Outside by Gila Mandelson and a shiduch resume impressive the Shtrarkest Yeshiva Bachur Ken. Press a button and she speaks too! Some Fun Phrases: “Baruch Hashem! I am Mamish feeling leibadik today!” “Oy Vey! What pritzut!” Order the Beis Yaakov Barbie and Yeshiva Bachur Ken: B’sheret Set and shortly after receive a free expandable belly!

Harry Portman

Sold Exclusively at Boys R’nt 4 Us!

It’s that time again! Rush Week at Stern College! And the campus sorority Delta Jew is on the lookout for the perfect Stern Girl. Hopeful pledges must have a perfect resume of attending the shtarkest seminaries and most prestigious summer camps. The recruitment process is certainly rigorous. The pledges are required to set up all members with any brother, cousin, friend of a Facebook friend, or any other eligible bachelors in their lives, but may not officially talk to boys. They must endure the living conditions of the lowly Brookdale dorm, which sports the same ventilation system provided for their mothers, probably the same amount of bacteria and certainly an elevated amount of sexual tension in the lounge. They must suffer through all of this hazing before they can be initiated and move into the luxurious and (now) exclusive 35th Street sorority house. Some of the mechitza-mixers include a groovy seventies-style disco-chagiga [celebration] bash! Where the bachorim [young men] of the rumored-to-be-real Alpha Phi Fraternity don authentic Jew-fros and oversized velvet Bar Mitzvah Kippot. As well as leibedik [lively] tail-gate parties on the Uptown Astroturf before all of the major Macabee fencing tournaments and spirited men’s volley ball games. Philanthropy oriented activities will be especially popular this year as Bernard Madoff has seemed to run off with the fun along with

the funds of every organization, affecting even the prestigious Yeshiva University Greek System. However, this is a positive move, because it is well known that Yeshiva University students spend their hours of free time avoiding charitable causes and social justice programs. The administration is hoping that this new focus will have a positive effect on the Yeshiva University name and away from it’s party school reputation. So, ladies have fun rushing! And the best of luck being admitted into Stern’s elite, Delta Jew!

10 Reasons Guys Won’t Date Me: f The Lament o a Stern Girl Docta Pepper 1.

I’m not blonde. Yes, this is a real reason that one guy had for not dating me. I’m happy that my brown hair came between us, though, since it quickly established how immature and not shayich he is.

2.

He has a list. Who keeps this list? Is it a mental list? Is it an Excel spreadsheet? Whatever the case may be, there are 23 girls lined up to date him. Personally, for the sake of maintaining a modicum of self-respect, I’d rather not place myself on any guy’s list.

3.

I’m from Brooklyn. So what? It just means that I can drive in really bad traffic.

4.

He dated my younger sister. Awkward.

5.

I learn Gemara. Apparently, some guys find girls who can read Tosfos intimidating. Or maybe they think I’m not frum.

6.

He dated all of my roommates. This is actually a reason why I won’t date certain guys. It kind of feels like polygamy.

7.

I go to Stern. Some guys think that SCW is not a place for a Bas Yisroel (as my high school principal told me). Others think that it’s just not a serious academic institution.

8.

My dad doesn’t have his own hedge fund. Yeah, it’s true. He’s just a doctor.

9.

He’s younger than me. Why is everyone younger than me?

Stern Girl Quiz Talia Elizabeth Kaufman Wondering where you fit in on the Beren Campus? No worries! There is a Stern Stereotype to fit everyone! Take this test to see are who you should be sitting with in The Caf! 1. It’s the lunchtime rush! What do you select for your midday meal? a. Sushi! Duh! They always have my usual roll pre-prepared for me so I can skip that uh-nnoying line! b. I always inquire which items in the salad bar are organic. It is always best to choose the item that is most in harmony with nature. c. A tuna packet and whatever is farthest away from the pizza rolls! d. Lunch? Who has time for lunch? I just grab an extra caffeinated Starbucks frappucino and try to find the area of The Caf with the lowest noise decibel so that I will be able study. e. Whatever I feel like! I hate the Stern Caf food!

2. Stern College for Women has an official dress code. Any idea what it is? a. Um... Well this season it was definitely a headband, cardigan, pencil skirt, funky tights and Tory Burches! b. There should be no dress code! We should all be permitted express how we feel with out clothing! c. Stern Girls should always dress Tzniut by the most machmir chumra, while looking polished and presentable, you never know who may be getting a reference call from your b’sheret!

b. My soul mate need not be perfect; whoever he is, fate will bring him to find me and he will accept me for who I am. c. YU Boy? Who?! Where?! Ooh! I think he’s my b’sheret! d. He and I must have compatible IQs. However if his is higher than mine that he is clearly a chauvinist. e. I do not go for YU boys!! They are so annoying, except for the ones who I’ve met at the heights parties. They’re okay, I guess. 4. It’s a Thursday night, where do you find yourself?

d. Definitely whatever will make you look more serious and intense than your peers. Always try to go for your teacher’s favorite color! Sometimes that entails a change of wardrobe in between each period.

a. Shopping for the weekend! My wardrobe is so last week!

e. Dress Code? Stern has a dress code?!

c. Anywhere but the co-ed events! I’m usually taking the inter-campus shuttle back and forth. Why do you think it’s always booked? Hey, they call it the “Shiduch Shuttle” for a reason!

3. Describe the perfect YU boy. a. In the right social circle, welldressed and he better be able to charge more than his caf card!

b. On Thursdays I take a yoga class. Sometimes I attend rally afterwards or will align my chi or recycle some cans.

d. Preparing for my Friday bio,

chem and physics labs. Dissecting pigs takes a significant amount of preparation. How can I risk mutilating a creature that is already dead!? e. In the heights! Wherever is the farthest place from Stern! 5. Do you consider yourself the typical Stern Girl? a. No, but not everyone can look as good as me! b. There is no typical Stern Girl! We are all individuals here! c. What is the best answer to that? I follow all of the appropriate rules and requirements while remaining above average. d. Surely, you are being ironic? I am on a higher caliber that about 97.2% of my peers, and am currently in the process of raising my ranking. I wouldn’t even consider myself comparable to the typical Stern Girl, for by definition, she is merely typical. e. Typical Stern Girl? You did not just seriously just ask me that. Go to page15 to see results

10. Next year’s crop of girls is supposedly better. Comparing girls to meat is so old school. Now, we’re compared to wheat. Im ein kemach, ein Torah—at least, they’re fulfilling the adage in this way.

Adar 5769

THE OBSESSOR 9

Personals Engagements Nowadays

“I’d like to thank you all for coming to my vort. But first, I better go in there and... propose to the girl!”

YUHookUp Goatee McMurray, Lela Harbinger & Docta Pepper

Kindred Spirit

Stern Gal Juicy JAP

SJF, 21, seeking SJM, 25-37. I’m sick of those sketchy guys that come down on the shuttle because he spoke to his friend’s friend about talking to your friend’s cousin and asked her to set him up. I am caring, loving, creative, nice, and smart, majoring in Bio, going for OT and want to start a family with a guy who shares the same values.  Kippah serugah is a plus, but black velvet also turns me on. BRH 13A

3rd year Sy Syms, 5”5 (with heels), 117 lbs. (pre-Israel). Blonde streaks, but willing to go all the way. ISO ambitious, attractive, amiable YP over 5”9, parents willing to support learning for first year of marriage. WC 29J

Seeking AECOM Student Kol B’Rama A Voice on High Looking to live in the Heights, but not with friends.

Doctor’s daughter. Must marry a doctor, preferably Einstein-educated.

SJM, 20, seeking SJF, 18. Back from Israel, looking for Zionistic girl to fill the void left by my rebbe. Must be shtark but not too shtark. Just shtark enough would be awesome. I have an iPod splitter. Rubin 567

Cultured Kippa Sruga

Chavakuk Seeking Fellow Chavakuk

5 Towns Maidel

New Arrival

SJF, 20, seeking SJM, 2025. I am a free spirit, within the accepted realm of halacha, of course. I dream of meeting someone special to share Shabbatons and romantic candlelight chavrusas in the Beit Midrash. My ideal is a guy who reads Shir Hashirim every week before kabbalat Shabbat. 35th St. 9D

Enjoys divrei Torah, dates at Toys R Us, and princess-cut diamonds. Looking to build a bayis ne’eman b’Yisroel.

Interests include Reishit Tzmichat Geulatainu, crocheting kippot, and pro-war rallies. Looking to build a bayit ne’eman b’Yisroel in a trailer in the Occupied Territories.

Ready for Action SJM, 25, seeking SJF, younger. I enjoy not listening to music during the Omer, watching Spiderman movies and taking long walks in the Marriott. Ready to settle down if you’re still in your prime of life. Older than 23 can call, but be prepared to explain yourself. IHP 7C

22, around 5”6. YC Senior, awaiting reply from Cardozo; seeks Modern Orthodox, pre-med Stern girl. Shomer negiah negotiable. Morg 642

Internat’l Delight

Sports Fan Tall and beautiful SWF seeking fellow Mets, Jets, and Knicks fan; any yarmulke must broadcast team support. Must be able to match me under the table (and over it!). I have an athletic build and enjoy long road trips. SCH 803 Nisht

No Internet, no T.V., no fun. LookI am cute and loveable, majoring in ing for a serious Marketing and believe in the language bochur to share simof love and you can say a lot without ilar disinterests. words. Looking for husband to love and cherish, positive if speaks more than three languages. BRH 1B

Fiery Redhead

You won’t forget me. I am the type of person who leaves an impression. I can care deeply for you, or I can rip your heart to shreds. I saw a guy at the Latin Club Shabbaton and I believe we made a connection. He was dark, of medium build, with a satin yarmulke sans the hair product. He wore an insignia ring and an oversized watch, and had a good singing voice. Meet this description and you might be up for a relationship like no other. 36th St. 603

Picture Perfect

DJF, 34. Looking for attractive D/SJM 3042 to pose for Rosh Hashana photos so I can send them to my family without them bugging me to find a new boyfriend already.  Possibility of a relationship if you are normal and good with kids. Contact Office of Student Affairs with headshot if interested.

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OPINIONS If A Vampire Can Do It, So Can You! Edward Cullen Addresses Your Love Concerns Edward Cullen As a gloriously handsome immortal with the cold, dead heart of a paperback romance, I confess that the popularity of the book quartet detailing my own wooing of a helpless human, the Twilight novels, does not surprise me. Let’s be frank: most young females crave the sorts of melodramatic platitudes and tortured declarations of love I utter with frequency in that series. They long to believe that someday, a pale and carnivorous fashion-plate who owns several cars will offer such goopy pledges to them as well. Thus your human women buy my books in droves and lose themselves in hazy images of my long-lashed,

bloodthirsty eyes. This is quite natural. So why, twiggy men of Yeshiva University, are you not following in my trailblazing path? Your recent gloomy letters, bemoaning your poor dating experience, are unfathomable to me. I have read with irritation and disdain of your insecurity, your frustration with fussy technicalities, your—and at this I gasp—sense

of chivalry’s unfairness. You are weary, you claim, of paying for an expensive and exquisite meal for some girl who will refuse a second date because you forgot to kiss the second mezuzah in the restaurant. Your brain aches with the effort of trying to discern when you are supposed to call, what you are supposed to say, and how much time, approximately, you must spend on the phone before you can pursue more entertaining

activities. You come to the female campus for your Sabbath but are too intimidated and image-conscious to sit at a table with women you do not know. Why are you not walking through this sea I have split for you? Do you not see what I have done for you, untanned and unathletic devotees of the Beis Medrash? The rules have changed. Why, you probably possess many of my own attractive qualities de facto! True, your limbs may not have the consistency and temperature of granite. Perhaps you cannot run up and down trees a lot very fast, as I can. And you may not subsist off the blood of grizzly bears. Yet you, like me, are ultimately wimpy. Your long hours of shteiging make you pale and tired-looking. Many of you are shorter than the average man. And you have no football team. Young literary women should be swooning over you the way Bella, the human woman I frequently stalk, loses her consciousness when confronted with my dazzling gaze! Yet, if you will pardon a sudden and awkward erudite reference inserted solely for the purpose of underlining my dreamy intellectual education, I believe I know where your Achilles’ heel lies. For you see, unlike my genteel self, you do not know how to treat a lady. Ordinarily I would quite disdain you for this, since you are making a to-do of the simplest thing. But honesty compels me to glance back at those first brief pages of Twilight, in which I reacted to my inexplicable attraction to Bella by construing my facial expression and body language in a way that suggested she had poor hygiene habits. While I have explained at length in all four books that this was just a manifestation of my martyred love for her, I realize now that it was terribly uncharming of me. So I am able to relate to your mute and meek-hearted frustrations, unfortunate YU shidduch-

Purim Chagiga 2009

seekers. Because of my most generous nature, I have deigned to share with you the mystery of my wisdom, for which you will no doubt be overcome with gratitude. There is no need for showy displays of thankfulness. When you are good-looking and immortal, as I am, these acts of kindness for pitiful men such as yourselves are quite diverting. Below, then, are merely a few of my suggestions regarding your own unsuccessful romances: 1. Demonstrate your protective instincts by offering to carry the object of your affection each time she faints. (Women faint on a constant basis, due to their delicate constitutions.) 2. Always sigh heavily when you must bid your love goodnight. In fact, it is good to sigh fairly often; this indicates your inner angst. 3. Occasionally threaten to kill her. 4. Deduce your love’s interests and feelings about you by eavesdropping on her friends in the cafeteria. You can also accomplish this by spying on her as she sleeps. 5. Prevent your female from having excessive interaction with other males by dismantling her car, so she cannot go anywhere unless you drive her. 6. Draw up a suicide-pact with her involving some kind of knockoff Italian mafia. 7. Quote long passages of “Wuthering Heights” as though it were the Bible. 8. Buy your love a bulletproof sports car for her birthday. 9. Make frequent dark and brooding references to your monstrous nature. 10. Concoct hasty obstacles to the romance’s resolution so you can be sure of at least a trilogy in the theaters. Obviously, I cannot bestow upon you all the nuances of my mystique; for one, this list would grow insufferably long, and for another, I have a competitive edge to continued on page 15

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THE OBSESSOR 11

FEATURES Shidduchim in the Orthodox Community Methodologies of Shadchanim: Different Ways To Put That Ring On Your Finger Sam Seaborn When it comes to engaging with the Shidduch System, it is helpful to know the facts. How exactly does the shidduch world work? What type of shadchan [matchmaker] might one encounter? What are the methods they might utilize in order to set you up with your perfect match? In your venture for success, you might encounter any number of shadchanim. Hence, it is best that you understand them before you do. Mrs. Shira Manklowitz asserts, “I am an old school shadchan. I will not so much as look at you before you travel all the way out to Brooklyn to see me, and pay me a fee of $75 to even glance at my resume. Then, I will look you over. If you are not perfectly attired, complete with the Bais Yaakov bump on your head, I will summarily dismiss you. If you do meet my criteria, I will write your name down on my list and proceed to find you a prospective husband. Of course, all my potential matches are the learning type. Don’t come to me if you’re interested in a materialistic life, which means more than one lightbulb in your kitchen, the luxury of two whole bathrooms, and the ability to skip work every so often is out.” When asked how successful she has been through this method, she nods her head sagely. “Mine is the time tested method, and I have no doubt that all newfangled attempts to set people up will fail.” Dr. Marta Silver, who prominently sports a PhD and PsyD, works for YUConnects, more colloquially known as YUHookUp, which is run by the Center for the Jewish Future. “Just sign up online,” she says brightly, “and I will read your profile, assess your intelligence per the number of spelling and gram-

Yalkut Me’am Loez on Parshat Chaya Sara.

matical errors you have made, and then set you up with the man of your dreams! I have extreme powers of perception, such that I can match one picture with another picture, even though I have never met you in real life!” She grins happily. “I hope you are attending our event on March 31 entitled ‘Feeding or Breeding?’ It promises to really allow young women who are dating meaningful discussion and insightful perspectives on the topic. And even better,” and here she pauses for a moment, to raise the suspense level, “we have introduced Single Mingles into our repertoire of approved activities. Unfortunately banned at the Purim Chagiga,” here her eyes are downcast, “our Singles Mingles worked wonders after the YU Chanukah Concert!” A completely different sort of shadchan is found when you encounter the beautifully put-together Mrs. Erit Danziger. A proud mother in Teaneck, she acknowledges that her Book Club, which claims to follows Oprah’s newest picks, is actually a code word for the “’Shidduch Club.” “All of us Teaneck moms have so much time on our hands,” she says sighing, “and we really believe in doing chesed. So every time we get together over coffee and canapés, we think: Do I know someone for that poor, poor girl who is 21 and unmarried? What about my mother’s sister’s best friend’s son? He wears pants; she wears skirts- it’s a match!” Mrs. Danziger claims her method has been wonderfully successful in the past. But if Teaneck is too far away, one could easily join Upstate NCSY in its stead. This past year, the region has had a plethora of engagements, ranging from that of Li-or Kohn, formerly an NCSYer, to that

of Mordechai Harris, a longtime advisor. Don’t forget the weddings of Rochelle Sonenberg and Shlomo Yaros, and that of Benjy Goldman to a mysterious Shoshana. There is a certain segula in being part of Har Sinai NCSY, make no mistake, and if Shalom Schlagman, Marc Fein or Miriam Merzel are good enough to accept you into the club, it’s clear that you are due to be happily married in no time at all. Their methods? “It’s the incredibly uplifting nature of the Har Sinai experience,” Marc Fein, Communications Associate in the Office of the President (nee Charlie) and Assistant Director of Upstate NCSY, asserts. “With our rousing cheers, wonderful company and home-cooked potluck dinners on Reverse Visitations, it is no wonder that our participants find themselves in a joyous, pleasant frame of mind. From there, well,

anything might happen…” Fein refuses to answer questions regarding his own marital status, or his possible availability, doing nothing but giving a Mona Lisa Smile when asked questions on the topic. Even closer to home, there are the student-wide clubs at both the Beren and Wilf campuses that allow for friendships that might develop into more, most predominantly the YU Medical Ethics Society. “You know the test in the Torah, where Eliezer chose Rebecca because she obviously had a good heart and performed chesed [acts of loving-kindness] through watering his camels?” asks Avi Amsalem, YU co-President alongside Rifka Wieder of the YU Medical Ethics society. “Well, it’s clear that if you’re on the Medical Ethics Society, you’ve already passed Eliezer’s test. Anyone who gives

their time to organize activities that help to save someone’s life qualifies as a chesed- filled individual.” He is reflective for a moment. “It is on that note that I am so happy to wish Chani Schonbrun and Menachem Yondorf mazel tov upon their wedding,” he explains happily. “And Yonah Bardos is also engaged! Clearly, the Medical Ethics club is your key to a happy marriage.” Will Avi be next? It remains to be seen. Whether it’s the shidduch resume, YUHookUp, Teaneck “Book Club,” NCSY or our very own YU clubs that float your boat, it is clear that one of these shidduch methods will work for you, and soon you too can find success in the marriage world.

Yeshiva University Students Speak Out About the Shidduch Crisis Epiphany Schwartz Depression, eating disorders, sexuality, abuse—while these are all important issues facing the Orthodox community, any honest member of our community will admit that these problems are far less pervasive than the incredibly pressing concern colloquially known as “the Shidduch Crisis.” The number of unmarried men and women in Yeshiva University alone is staggering, and students at both Stern and Yeshiva College have a lot to say about their sometimes overwhelming struggles. “I definitely feel a lot of pressure to get married,” says Rachel Goldberger (SCW ’11). “Ever since I got back from Israel, my parents have been pushing me to find my bashert (soul mate). And when I came to Stern and saw the married girls with their stunning diamonds and gorgeous straight falls, they immediately became my role models. But I’ve been in chutz la’aretz (New York/the Five Towns) for nearly eight months now, and I’m still not married.” With tears in her eyes, Goldberger adds, “It’s really, really hard.” “At first I thought people were joking when they said there was a crisis,” explains out-of-towner Alexia Picklefeiffer (SSSB ’10). “I’d never heard of such a thing. But now I know it is no laughing matter.” Picklefeiffer has engaged the services of seventeen different shadchanim, in addition to two online dating sites thus far. “Apparently, I am ‘geographically undesirable,’” she said, with more than a hint of bitterness in her tone. “I’ve gone out with a number of guys, but none of them were amenable to my desire to move back home within the next three

years. And of the ones who were, none of them share my passion for Hello Kitty memorabilia, so of course a breakup was inevitable. I feel like it’s a lost cause.” YC student Roger Brozelstein (’09) expressed his frustrations as a modern Orthodox young man who hopes not to resort to blind dates. “I’ve been to every event on the Stern campus this year, and I haven’t even gotten a single date. Don’t tell me that my chances would be vastly increased by actually asking someone out—I’ve heard that already. I think that friending someone on Facebook and poking her every few days should be enough of a hint for even the thickest Stern student. In one case, I even read her entire blog and left sympathetic comments on every post—how much more obvious could I get?” Aliza Gorse (SCW ’09) has had more than her share of trouble in shidduchim. “I think I have, like, a sign on my forehead that says, ‘Send all your loser guys this way!” she complained. “The last guy I went out with spent, like, the entire date talking about math. I actually fell asleep in Starbucks, right in middle of drinking an iced soy vanilla latte, light ice!” Her indignation is practically palpable, and it is no wonder. She adds, “I’m not gonna lie, though—the guy was kinda cute. I don’t know why he didn’t give me a second date.” Reuven Shalverstein (YC ’10) is concerned about the effect that our shidduch system will have on the community’s economic future. “I don’t see why the guy has to pay for everything,” he asserts. “I’m a student—it’s not like I have a ton of extra money coming in. By the time I actually get married—assuming

I do someday—I won’t have any money to pay for an apartment or anything, because I’ll have spent it all on ten-dollar bottles of water in hotel lobbies.” Men are not the only ones spending money on shidduchim. Goldberger recounts some of a female’s necessary expenses. “I’ve always gotten a manicure each week, but now that I’m a kallah maidel, my mother reminds me that it’s very important never to leave my room unless I’m totally put together. I get my eyebrows done every nine days, to make sure that they always arch gracefully at roughly two-thirds over my eyelid. And of course I have a whole new wardrobe. Not to mention that the trauma of still being single has cost a lot in therapy bills. Luckily, my parents understand the importance of this stage of life, and they’ve been wonderful about helping me through all the difficulties, baruch Hashem.” Some students, however, seem shockingly unaware of The Crisis. “What do you mean?” asks Doniel Schwartzman (YC ’09) “I had to have my cell phone—which I only bought in order to call my mother and my Rebbe, of course— disconnected, because I kept getting calls from shadchanim every five minutes and it was disrupting my learning. Two years ago I used to be able to tell you how many girls I had on my list, but last year the list got so long that I had to start measuring it in feet instead.” Schwartzman, also known as “the best guy in YC,” is not concerned that he is still single. “Even though I haven’t met my bashert yet, I have complete bitachon that she is on the list—and I’ll get to her eventually.”

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THE OBSESSOR

FEATURES Shidduchim in the Orthodox Community Interview with Ms. Tova Goldenfish about Shidduchim in the Orthodox Community

Blogs Take On the Shidduch Crisis Noodle Brew & Epiphany Schwartz

The Observer: Thank you so much for speaking with us, Tova. Could you give us some background information about who you are, what you do, and so forth? Ms. Tova Goldenfish: My name is Tova, and I am a Stern College for Women senior. I am unfortunately 21 years old, and I study here at Stern. I am finishing up my degree and plan on teaching at Yeshivat Noam next year, provided I can get a job with this economy. The Observer: What are your thoughts on the shidduch process? Ms. Goldenfish: What are my thoughts on the shidduch process? It would be better to ask: What aren’t my thoughts on the shidduch process? I have been through everything, and I mean everything! Let me explain. My first year, when applying to Stern, I made sure to fill out the Segula Beds application. You know what that is? You have a map of a Brookdale room, which is shaped in the L shape, of course, with the coveted alcove, and the beds which contained girls who got engaged later in the year are marked with an X. Clearly, if you sleep in a Segula Bed, your chances of getting engaged are much higher. So I marked off that I wanted to sleep in the bed just near the door, even though that wouldn’t afford me much privacy and I would have to work in the kitchen, just because I wanted to get engaged!

guys who were so strange! One of them refused to look at me the entire time, citing tznius reasons. He even claimed he had heard that if someone gave a girl compliments on a date, that meant he was looking too closely at the outside, and everyone knows kavod bas melekh penima [the honor of a princess is on the inside.] Well, that’s all very grand about my inside beauty, but I want my future husband to at least notice that I went to all this effort to get dressed up for him! But forget that guy. There was the guy who took me on a date to a graveyard! I tell you the truth! He thought it would be romantic to wander around beneath the trees and look at the markings on the headstones. I have truly had tragic experiences through YUConnects. The Observer: We are truly sorry to hear that, Ms. Goldenfish. What about the efforts of my friends?

doomed to be an old maid! It’s incredibly unfair and sad. Where is their chesed? How can it be that they don’t stay in touch with me? Why aren’t they trying to set me up the way they said they would? It’s like they don’t remember what it was like when they were single! The Observer: What are your thoughts on coed Shabbat meals in the Heights? Ms. Goldenfish: It really depends on the company. Sometimes there is nothing better than enjoying the company of a really hot guy while eating cranberry crunch and Oreo pie. But other times, you find out the handsome man is taken, and then all your effort was for nothing! I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve made eyes at someone at Mt. Sinai, only to realize their girlfriend was standing next to them giving me a look.

Ms. Goldenfish: My friends? Well, my friends have done everything, of course, whether it was giving me segula wine by their weddings, or segula challah, or letting me try on their diamond ring for a moment, to giving me special perakim [chapters] of Tehillim to say, to comforting me when I am crying on the floor. They have even gone out at night to find my favorite flavor of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream after I was sobbing after a breakup. Seriously, I could not have had better friends if I tried. Oh, and I even tried Facebook! You know, because Facebook is the new Senior Yearbook- everyone looks through your pictures in order to set you up with the perfect guy. So I went and had professional pictures taken and made sure to put them up. But not a thing, absolutely nothing! And then there’s the matter of my married friends.

The Observer: Is there any advice you would give girls in your predicament?

The Observer: What?

[Ms. Goldenfish pauses to take a deep breath, shuddering in distress.]

Ms. Goldenfish: They wouldn’t set me up with anyone normal! I swear, I went on dates with these

My married friends just drop me! They get married and then they don’t care about the fact that I am

Ms. Goldenfish: No Starbucks dates! Do you hear me? Every single girl has been to Starbucks, has been to Barnes and Noble, has been everywhere you are going to think of. That is why sites and secret

The Observer: But you are not engaged, are you? Ms. Goldenfish: No! And after the failure of the Segula Bed, in my second year, I made sure to join the YUConnects, i.e. YUHookUp website. But you know what happened?

Ms. Goldenfish: It’s all over! I have tried to put on a brave face, but it is time to face the facts. I am an old maid before my time. There is absolutely no function or purpose for me to serve. As a woman, and a singe woman at that, there is no way that I can express myself, no way in which to cleave to God or otherwise serve Him, without my husband to transform all of my middos into ones that are pleasing before Hashem. All I can do is keep on trying, even though I have given up hope. Girls- I just hope you have a more successful experience than I have had. The Observer: Do you have any advice for guys who are looking to take girls out?

continued on page 13

In the wake of the tremendous success of Bad4Shidduchim, Catastrophic4Shidduchim has been started, a new website that allows its readers, commenters and bloggers to meet one another and date if they are so inclined. The blog’s originator, otherwise known as Cat, explains, “Bad4 has been asked out by several commenters on her blog, and has even gone out with some of them. As a former reader of Bad4Shidduchim, I didn’t understand why I couldn’t get a part of that action.” David Stein, who writes under the pseudonym “Come N’Get ‘Em, Ladies” has moved from Bad4 to Cat4, stating that, “For some reason, the women at Bad4 were not interested in me and I could not understand why. After all, I am 6 feet tall and very desirable. I am happy using Cat4 because I’ve already arranged a date with a woman who writes as ‘Hot Aidel Muffin.’” Cat4’s posts provide date ideas that expand beyond the old motif of Starbucks and Barnes & Noble. Commenters connect with each other based on their reactions to Cat4’s posts, finding people who have similar views on dating, the shidduch crisis and toothpaste (Colgate vs. Crest caused a lively debate that went on for days.) Other shidduch blogs are not as constructive in their solutions. They offer complaints as opposed to advice. I’m Too Good for Shidduchim, written by the anonymous Flatbush Cutie, is a series of vents about her forlorn love life and the inept men who comprise it. “I’ve totally been on, like, 150 dates with like, 150 men, and like, oh my gosh, none of them have like, worked out,” she complains in a March 2 post. “One guy even like, ordered for me, like, a non-diet soda, like what was he thinking?” Hey Hey, You You, I Don’t Like Your Shidduch Blog is a site meant exclusively for shadchanim. This allows them the opportunity to react to much of the vitriol spewed against them on sites such as Cat4

and I’m Too Good For Shidduchim. “Nobody appreciates how hard we work for you,” explains site founder Bossy Mom. “If we set you up with a great guy and you show up in a denim skirt, is it our fault if he dumps you?” Bossy Mom says there needs to be more communication between shadchanim and prospective dates. “It’s the whiny people on blogs like I’m Too Good for Shidduchim who give us a bad name,” she complains. “If they would all just stop whining and give us better gifts when we set them up, then the dates might yield better results.” System Survivors, a supportgroup run by married men and women for people still in the dating process, provides advice and inspirational stories of how they managed to survive the system and emerge with their beloved spouse. One story told on System Survivors is that of Dovid’l and Samantha, an unlikely couple who met while planning their mutual friend’s proposal. “Dovid’l was playing a homeless man holding a sign that read: ‘Will you marry me, Anita?’ and I was playing an innocent jogger with a convenient camera. Unfortunately, I tripped over Dovid’l’s sign and fell right into his arms, which completely ruined the proposal, but Dovid’l looked so good in his oversized corduroy coat that I knew I was destined for a happy ending.” Bloggers’ responses are varied; some people embrace the rise of these different sites, while others see it as increasing the madness rather than ending it. End The Chaos blogowner Mordechai Mermelstein explained that he originally started his blog expressly for the purpose of closing it in order to make the statement that blogs should not be used for shidduchim. “Instead of spending all your time online, get involved in Mt. Sinai shul committees and take actual steps towards meeting your bashert.”

Pobody’s Nerfect

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THE OBSESSOR 13

FEATURES Interview with Ms. Tova Goldenfish about Shidduchim

Bais Yaakov Education and Television: A Fusion Goatee McMurray

continued from page 12

exciting Excel spreadsheets with every dating place in the world have been made and float around the internet. It’s to help you guys be creative, inventive, and allow girls the option of actually having a good time! For those of you who don’t know, it’s very important to bookmark the site http://mikomos.com/wiki/NY. Places you can take a girl where she might actually have fun include ESPN Zone, pottery painting, ice skating, Top of the Rock (which is the top of Rockefeller Center), Chelsea Piers, New Roc City, Madame Toussauds Wax Museum, and if you really want to be romantic, The Chocolate Girl in Brooklyn. You can check that one out at thechocolategirl.net. I’ve been dying to go to The Chocolate Girl since I first started dating. It’s chocolate and kosher. But no, where do they take me? Max Brenner, which admittedly is cool- but not kosher! Who takes a girl to a chocolate place that isn’t kosher? The Observer: I thought girls don’t eat chocolate? Ms. Goldenfish: Not in public, but they obviously do in private! The Observer: What’s the best way to salvage a failing relationship? Ms. Goldenfish: Honey, you don’t want to salvage- you want to abandon ship! I’ve been burned so many times that I am telling you, if things are not going well, it is time to get off that ferris wheel and onto the ground. You don’t want

to have your illusions shattered after marriage. Even though I have been struck with the tragedy of being young and unmarried, I take solace in the fact that I am not unhappily married. The Observer: What’s the key to your heart, Tova? Ms. Goldenfish: He has to learn and work, preferably enough to support me comfortably without my taking another job, even though I would probably work anyway. He has to tell me he loves me and means it. I want him to be accepting and to care about me for who I am. I want him to be able to cheer me up when I am down, to surprise me with flowers, and if he likes to sing, to have won Battle of the Bands. But most of all, I just want him to smile. I am so tired of New Yorkers who seem to have permanent frowns or serious expressions etched onto their faces. In truth, I am really insecure. I want someone to smile at me and tell me that I am worth smiling at. But I don’t want to tell someone that; I want them to figure it out on their own- that I’m scared I am not worth marrying, not pretty enough, not smart enough, or otherwise not good enough. The Observer: Thank you so much, Ms. Goldenfish. It’s been a pleasure speaking with you, and I wish you much success in your endeavors. Ms. Goldenfish: I just hope I’ve been able to assure other girls that someone has it worse off than they do.

A growing number of quasi-Orthodox, quasi-Goyishe families across America have been implementing a new creative practice to get their daughters enrolled in Bais Yaakov high schools. Many of these schools require families to relinquish possession of a television before accepting the families’ girls into the ranks of pure and devout Bnos Yisroel [daughters of Israel], but one woman found a solution to this problem. Mrs. Cohen terms her innovation “mechiras television,” “the selling of the television.” “It’s very simple,” explains Mrs. Cohen. “Before you send in your daughter’s application to the school, you contact your local Conservative or Reform rabbi and find a nice Conservative or Reform family to buy your television just until your daughter’s in. A few weeks into the school year, you buy it back. The school won’t notice. It’s quick, it’s painless, and you get to help the Conservative or Reform family do the mitzvah of giving your child the gift of an Orthodox education without you having to go insane.” Mrs. Levi raves about her own mechiras television experience. “When my eldest daughter told me she wanted to go to Bais Yaakov, my husband and I nearly had a heart attack,” she recounts. “Watching Simpsons reruns has been an integral part of our married life. The boys were going crazy. They stamped their feet, they cried, they threatened to convert to Christianity. But then we found out about the mechiras television loophole, and now, 5 months later, our princess is at the top of her class and our favorite shows are at the top of the charts.” For some, the practice has taken on the force of ritual. The night before the first day of school, the Israel family hides its television remote control and several AA batteries in various rooms of their house. The Israel children then search for the objects using a feather and light from their cell phones. In the morning, Mr. Israel burns the remote in the family’s toaster oven before driving the kids to school and heading off to work himself. “Just because we’re buying the television back to watch movies on motzai Shabbos [Saturday night] doesn’t mean we’re not going to do this right,” says Mrs. Israel. “It’s very important to my husband and to myself that we teach our children, especially our Bais Yaakov student, to take rules that are imposed by people holier than us very seriously.”

Jon Korman In mesechta there is an interesting machlokes brought down between and ‫פ‬ as to whether or not burnt cookie offering from a girlfriend to boyfriend is preferable to no cookies. says that its obviously better for there to be no cookies, because if there were burnt cookies, it would cause for the on two different levels. The first level would be that he has cookies before him but cannot eat them due to the fact that they

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are burnt and will taste bitter, and , can you be sprinkles and clearly it’s not ‫ פ‬and we do notmake it ? Seemingly according want to be reminded of eating to. this would be probThe second of would be lematic, because once the cookie is that his friends would make fun baked its baked. But, ‫פ‬ of him. We all know that embar- would find this process to be acrassment is in fact worse than ceptable. He is probably being death. ‫ פ‬says that is signifion the who ’ explains that cantly better to receive the burnt cookreally the is from the origiies, because at least then we are exposing nal baking, but the cookie is still the of the girlfriend. Obviouslyfundamentally she lacking that inunderstands the pasuk of trinsic value of , therefore by and isthrowing trying to doon whatsprinkles we add in ever she can to make her happy. It isthat extra special ingredient. clear that the of this machlokes can A would be whether ‫פ‬ be stated as to how one should properly or not you can be your girlsatisfy their boyfriend. Clearly, the friend if she does not 1) regularly is what really counts in this situation. If bake cookies and 2) bake them a person did not care for their boyfriend, . they clearly would not bake them cookSeemingly, this could be ies, but if they really cared, they would understood as , make sure to do it correctly. one would obviously be probwhich can fulfill the by simply belematic because are notin ing nice to their boyfriend. a . Rashi explains in girlfriend should bake the cookies, that because were whether they are cooked correctly part of the they are obligated to or not ’ . However, there is a con- partake in the . cept called Clearly we. - they were should all strive to reach this once walking through a field and and bake the cookies appropricame across a bakery with a very ately and dispense them regularly sweet ‫ פ‬However, . it turns to your boyfriend... because we all out she was not as sweet as she know , !!! seemed. The evil ‫ פ‬tried to An interesting question would be turn into cookies. There whether or not purchasing cookwas a and the ’ creies at a bakery would qualify as ated a So today, . as a , properly fulfilling the . Obvi girls bake cookies for boys. These ously according to this cookies signify how grateful would be problematic, as it seems are that they were saved by the the is the actual baking by boys. Even though we really know the girlfriend. While according to it was a we still give credit it is better ‫ פ‬to receive to the boys because in the assome cookies because the ispect the of this it is rather obvious and, clearly this is a gesture of that the boys did all the work. her kindness. However, purchasing cookies brings about the problem of . Q: Is there ever a situation where it is just another fancy word is permissible to purchase cookies for and we , all know how iminstead of baking them? If the girl portant is when it comes to a is not proficient in baking? relationship. Therefore it is probA: Yes, but only a modernish one ably preferable for the girlfriend who relies on such , a real to bake the cookies herself, rather shtarker would be and slave than buy them at a local bakery. away all day for the extra cookie The talks about the issue of goodness. baking a . The question is once you bake a cookie that is not continued on page 14

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THE OBSESSOR

FEATURES Previously, on The West Wing (as transcribed by Noodle Brew)

GEORGIA: What should I tell the papers? JOSH: Tell them nothing. Let me handle it. GEORGIA: All right. I trust you. JOSH: Exactly. HILLEL: Mr. President? PRESIDENT JOEL: [turns from contemplation] Yes, Hillel? HILLEL: You’re needed in the conference room. [Long, pregnant pause, during which they look at each other meaningfully.] PRESIDENT JOEL: Let’s do it. -----------Fade in. GEORGIA, JOSH and HILLEL are standing in HILLEL’s office.

[GEORGIA and JOSH look at Hillel]

respective offices.]

JOSH: Did we say the women’s chagiga can’t be in Belfer?

HILLEL: Mr. President?

HILLEL: Perhaps. GEORGIA: Well, the papers are going to go nuts. HILLEL: We got into discussions with the rabbis and they expressed some concerns so we acted on them.

HILLEL: Yes.

GEORGIA: Is that a confirmation?

[They walk purposely to the president’s conference room, where a cadre of RIETS rabbanim and student leaders wait]

JOSH: We’re still in negotiations. Hillel, should we let the papers know that we are in negotiations? HILLEL: [ruminates] Georgia, until we know for sure, let Josh speak to the student leaders. GEORGIA: Why is the press secretary always the last to know?

GEORGIA: They’re not going to like that.

JOSH: It’s so the editors won’t get some vital piece of information that they need so they can publish their papers on time, Georgia.

JOSH: Well, that’s too bad.

GEORGIA: Oh right. Never mind.

GEORGIA: I’m telling you Josh, Noach and Olivia are going to ask questions.

HILLEL: Well, I’m glad this was straightened out. Now will you go back to work so I can brief the president?

JOSH: Then they’ll just have to ask those questions. HILLEL: Will you two just get to a conclusion so I can tell the president what’s happening?

PRESIDENT JOEL: [turns from contemplation and sees HILLEL. He nods his head slowly, as if already aware of what HILLEL is going to say.] Do they need me?

[They all leave. HILLEL goes through a door in his office that is connected to PRESIDENT JOEL’s office. GEORGIA and JOSH exchange glances and go to their

PRESIDENT JOEL: [nods slowly] That’s what I thought.

PRESIDENT JOEL: Sit down, gentlemen. And women. This university is a big tent. That means we don’t make anyone uncomfortable. So we are going to figure out a solution to this chagiga crisis by four p.m. HILLEL: Mr. President, these people have been working for twenty-four hours straight to figure out a solution. This is what they came up with: both chagigot will be held uptown, but with security guards in the area between Rubin and Belfer to prevent students from hanging out together, or the women’s chagiga will be held downtown. [very pregnant pause] Sir, it’s up to you. PRESIDENT JOEL: Me? HILLEL: Yes, sir.

PRESIDENT JOEL: Hillel, it’s moments like this when I think back on my days at Hillel and wonder why the heck I ever wanted to come work in the West Wing . . . but it’s also moments like these when I couldn’t be prouder of the men and women at Yeshiva University. HILLEL: Sir . . . your decision? PRESIDENT JOEL: [gives a long hard look at all the people in the conference room, gauging their body language. They all wait expectantly.] We’ll have both the chagigot uptown, gentlemen. And women. [big sigh of relief around the conference room] And I want to remind you all where you are, and what you fight for. You are Yeshiva University. We are the mighty banner of Torah u’Madda. Thank you. HILLEL: Thank you, Mr. President.

Schottenstein’s “The West Wing” becomes real life in the Office of thePresident on the Wilf Campus.”

continued from page 13

A2: Right, so if it’s about the presumably, any which reflects a proper should be good enough, such as buying from a bakery or perhaps even offering something similar to a cookie say a cake. Q: Is there a over ‫פ‬ the type of cookie? A: Since the is a girlfriend should properly understand the taste buds of her boyfriend before she bakes the cookies. If he prefers oatmeal then oatmeal should be baked, if chocolate chip then chocolate chip. Q: Can the women send the cookies via proxy? Meaning - can she appoint a ? A: Assuming she could make a we would probably require the to say ‫ פ‬This would ‫פ‬ prevent any by the woman that she didn’t bake them .

Additional Thoughts 1. I think you guys are reading the

wrong; it’s clearly a case of layering. is a first generation doughmorah and came much before who was ‫ פ‬a 4th generation doughmorah, notice the lack in title. If we analyze the generational gaps, we see that in the time of came for a time

when , cookies were fairly common and therefore really a burnt cookie is a sign of disgrace, meanwhile lived‫פ‬after the great incineration and therefore burnt cookies may have been common and even in practice, perhaps as a sign of mourning.

2. Clearly cookies can never be a sign of mourning, they are just too geshmak. Any girl who makes cookies as a sign of mourning should clearly be exiled... which is not to be confused with baking cookies for a house of mourning, which is totally acceptable and welcomed.

cookie may be un-burnt as a ‫זכר‬ ‫למקדש‬.

Underground Women’s Megillah Reading

Goatee McMurray 3. It should be a similar to that of . Just like with , it is the All-women’s megillah readings presence of a 4 cornered garment at Stern College for Women may which activates the mitzvah of not have the Yeshiva University , so too here it should be the administration’s endorsement, presence of an empty biscuit tin in but that will not stop at least 127 the boy’s house, and whenever a Also, there is a parallel in young ladies from arranging a seAlternatively: No no, the burnt situation arises, then the mitzvah that clearly attributes cret one this Purim. applies, which of course makes it a cookies are a sign of mourning to the town of where there “Other girls have spent the last , and there is no problem as was practiced after the great were so many sweets that cooksix months immersing themselves . incineration. ‫ רבי‬was ‫ מתקן‬that no of ies must be made correctly to even in perfumes and putting on makecompete. up in anticipation of the mixed men and women’s megillah reading and subsequent party at YU,” says one anonymous participant. “We, on the other hand, have spent six months learning the gorgeous, reflective notes of a sacred text.” “Some people think we’re ban, ishing or beheading ourselves from the rest of the population who just ‫פ‬Requirements: . do the conventional thing,” says another student as she looks up - Excellent Yichus; best to be descended from a great rabbi from her computer, on which she has downloaded a megillah reading recording. “But rishonim allow - Periodic donations and sponsorship of faculty chairs women to read for women and we don’t feel the need to appear be- Gruff disposition to dispell any questioners fore any male ba’al qore.” The all-women’s megillah reading will occur at an unspecified - Smarts to demand an investment fee from University to cover the above donatime at an unspecified place on tions and more Purim. Track down rumors around Stern for more details—that is, if you can rely on your female peers’ Send resume to [email protected] testimony.

JOB OPENING

Chief Investment Officer of YU

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THE OBSESSOR 15

The Obsessor Stern Girl Quiz continued from page 8

Mostly As: You are a Genuine JAP! Congratulations, your highness! You are like, the best kind of Stern Girl ever! And you are looking seriously good doing it Major: Go for a fashion marketing degree at Sy Syms. Sy Syms is waay nicer that the Stern building and you there are a lot less poorly dressed people in The Caf. Extra Curricular: Try writing for the super trendy and exclusive fashion section here at Observer, if your can handle it. Mostly Bs: You are a Happy Hippie! My, what a great aura you have! Thank you for making Stern such a harmonious and environmentally conscious place! Major: Environmental Science, how can you just sit back and choose another major as you planet is being polluted?! Extra Curricular: If you truly care, then in your spare time, you will protest something or start some sort of revolution. Mostly Cs: Shidduch Dater You are certainly on the hunt and serious! Well, you’re not getting any younger here! Major: Speech therapy, physical therapy, occupational therapy... With the flexible hours and impressive pay, you will surely be desirable as any kind of therapist. Extra Curricular: Try something Co-ed. You know you want to! Perhaps you should try to get involved in an activity that will allow for interaction with the opposite sex in a natural environment. It will be a great practice for your dates, give you a great excuse to go uptown and who knows? Maybe your b’sheret will be a member of the same club! Mostly Ds: Daniel J. Abrams Honors Student You were the star student of your high school and are intent on retaining your status here at Stern. You have big goals and are willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish them! Major: You will stand out from the crowd with a combined major of Poli-schi-Bio-Judaic-Studies-ArtHistory Extra Curricular: Maybe try and relax a bit? Perhaps with something semi-social?

Kidor the Innkeeper, Forerunner to Madoff continued from page 3

at an inn for Shabbat. Wishing to divest themselves of their monetary possessions, they handed over their money to the friendly innkeeper, whose name was Kidor. Rabbi Meir, however, who always ascertained a person’s character traits by their name, was reminded of the infamous verse in Deuteronomy 32:20: “For they are a generation (kidor) full of changes, children in whom there is no trust.” For this reason, he did not trust his money with the innkeeper. This turned out to be a wise decision, for after Shabbat, Kidor claimed never to have taken Rabbi Meir’s companions’ possessions into his safekeeping. The member of the Kevutzas Yisrael was attempting to hint to the fact that anyone who truly followed in the footsteps of Rabbi Meir would realize that “Madoff” connoted “Made-Off” as in “Made Off With Your Money.” Members of the Newfangled Orthodoxy movement disagreed with Kevutzas Yisrael, stating that in fact they were more religious in their abstention from following Rabbi Meir’s example, because his idea of extracting the seeds from the pomegranate and throwing away the peel was later called into question. Others who subscribe to the left-wing sector of Newfangled Orthodoxy, however, stated that they planned on searching out hidden meanings in everyone’s names from henceforth, never mind the Glory of God. Though surprised by the fact that they were in agreement with members of the Kevutzas Yisrael, these Newfangled Orthodoxy members stated that they were happy that, “The precept of following one’s forefathers and honoring Rabbi Meir despite the fact that he appreciated Elisha ben Avuyah” have finally been married. Does this chance subway shout-out predict a closer merger between the left and the right? It remains to be seen, but in the meantime, Sophia is still upset. “It’s not even like I had any rope on me,” she insists, her eyes teary. “I didn’t even have any flax.”

If A Vampire Can Do It, So Can You! continued from page 10

Mostly Es: Rebel You may not be the most proud Stern Girl, but you certainly are making a statement! You have your opinions on our school and are not afraid to share them. Major: Whatever will help you graduate fastest Extra Curricular: Try and get involved in something. You might actually come to appreciate our fine school.

Happy Purim!

maintain. Still, skinny-armed YU men, with these rules to guide you, you would need to be utterly incompetent not to pluck the wife of your dreams from the dewy-eyed Stern College for Women with ease. As I have noted several times already, somewhat fretfully, it really is not that hard. And if you must plague me with your distressed letters, please have the decency to italicize properly.

“Stern: The Musical” continued from page 7

String together a word or three… A NEW catch phrase that will flow! I’m sending out the call Who wants to write me a new line? All I hear is a chirping cricket Will I just have to forget it? I guess I’ll enable and *sigh* ennoble them One last DARN time.

President Joel sighs, lifts up his head in stoic perseverance, and enters the Town Hall meeting to rousing applause. And so, the lights dim on the student body being inspired and yes, enabled and ennobled. Just another day at Stern.

THE END

Editor-in-Crisis continued from page 2

equal, and nuance does not exist. In their minds, to write about a topic is to legitimize it, to discuss something forbidden is suddenly to claim it is permitted.” We certainly cannot allow our understanding to cloud our judgment, and let Ms. Wiznitzer off the hook for her actions. Whatever we do, we must not allow her despotic rule to continue as it has, nor permit her megalomania to further dictate our views. As Chana herself has noted, “The written word is predominant, whether it is accessed through books, manuscripts, newspapers or the Internet. Indeed…we live in an age which boasts the “new and controlling role that texts now play in contemporary religious life.”” We cannot let Chana OR Olivia Wizniter have this control. However entertaining it might be, the voice of The Obsessor is no Purim shtick.

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THE OBSESSOR

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