Mr. Gazette 3: The Search For Spock

MR GAZETTE “The quilted quicker picker-upper!”

“Mr. [Gazette is the greatest jokey paper this country has ever]... seen” - George Washington

Local Man Wakes Up to Pizza Burps

MISTER GAZETTE Issue 3: The Search for Spock Super Walden Bros Publications

IN THIS ISH OF THE GAZETTE

Charlie Walden No Stranger to Pizza

MINNEAPOLIS—Jeff Whitefield was safely asleep in his home last Thursday night when he was suddenly jolted awake from his slumber by a series of pizza burps. He called the burps “startling. I had a sausage and onion pizza earlier that night, so now it actually makes a lot of sense that I would have the pizza burps. That doesn’t make it any less startling though.” Whitefield had been getting the gurglies all day, but when his mouth filled with wet gas from his stomach, all flavored like sausage and onion pizza, he screamed, awaking his dog. “Pizza was the last thing I wanted to taste. I was full. I’ve heard of this happening to other guys but... I guess I just thought I was immune.” The phenomenon known as pizza burps can happen to anyone after consuming any amount of pizza. The process involves pizza-laden gas being rejected by the stomach and sent out through the mouth, often accompanied by a “throw-up taste” and a smell that can linger for hours. The only known way to prevent them is complete abstinence from pizza. Whitefield has no plans to curb his pizza intake.

New Spel Chekc Softwear a Hueg Sucess Jack Walden

Resently, the Blaek School dicided to invest in an adition to Micresoft Word nown as Spel Chekc. This computr pogrom is revelutionary in it’s feild in taht it helps stuedints with speling in they’re paprs and tings liek thatt. How tecnoligy is cathing up! Wat the pogrom dose is serch the file for mispeled werds, and it taeks evry corectly speled werd and gievs it a red undorline. Watever werds dont hav a red undorline are incorect and we chaneg them to hav one. Of cors, soem wil alway get thru teh crakcs. Dann Trokmin, teh resadent computr exprrt at Blaek, sed this in an emale. “Students (sic) have gravely misinterpreted (sic) this software (sic).” Luks liek soemone firgot to use spel chekc! In al srsness, tho, its inpact is imesureable. The amownt of highshcoolers who’s graeds wil inprove is enormus. I’m shure are techers wil tahnk us! Al teh stuedint newspaprs are reeping the benafits of this sucessful softwear. Thsnks!

Bears! Farmville! An actual interview! Oh, gee!

MY DAD TO FINALLY FIGHT YOUR DAD

‘Invisible Hand’ Force Chokes American Public

Michael Carter

Adam Smith’s “invisible hand,” a metaphor to describe the self-regulating nature of the free marketplace, is apparently shockingly similar to Darth Vader’s invisible hand, a Force-created tool used to choke belligerent admirals. The hand found America’s lack of faith disturbing, and has taken it upon itself to Force Choke select Americans in the form of home foreclosures, unemployment rates, and making uncomfortable people say, “so how about this economy, right?”

Can girls go bald? We investigate

MISTER GAZETTE MR GAZETTE STAFF Chairman of the Board Just the Headlines Announcements that didn’t make it into the Charlie Walden Blake Bulletin or assembly. His Excellency By Patrick Barry Jack Walden •Mr. Bazzett, stating letter infringement, to sue Galactic Overseer this publication for use of last six letters of his Michael Carter last name, or at least the sound they make Secretary of D-Webb •Survival supplies running low as freshmen patiently wait for important post-assembly Daniel Webber announcement Grownup •Today’s lunch to feature chicken Patrick Barry •After years of adventurous roaming, Cawood Twins Enthusiast returns to cage for much-needed nap Malcolm Kelner •Mr. Bogursky’s signature one-hand clap making noise at assemblies Sports Columnist Senator John C. Calhoun •While at Camp St. Croix, entire senior class Secretary of D-Webb forgets how to play Rock Paper Scissors; retreat agenda dismissed in favor of an RPS demonDaniel Webber stration and hours of practice time Bard •Texting While In Motion injuries down 10% Hannah Page in September thanks to introduction of the Mahoney wall sit Pretend Farmer •Teachers to be replaced by Instructor CyberLuke Walden Bots, powered by Moodle Comic Stripper Peter Olson Doodler Delia Bloom Founders/Editors-in-Chief Jack and Charlie Walden Special thanks to Lisa Fitzmaurice and Jim Mahoney.

LITERATURE CORNER With Jackson Sabes

Are You my Mother?, the latest “book” by P.D. Eastman is a true feat of English in that it provides a benchmark for the lowest standard possible for literature. It is without a doubt the worst thing ever to molest my eyeballs. The narrative of this book dances between awful and even worse. This flaccid attempt at creating literature fails miserably in its obnoxious repetition, the least sensible protagonist I have ever seen, and a simple plot that seems to have been intended for children. Although pathetic, contrived, and frankly juvenile, the main word that comes to mind is passé. Even in such overwhelming simplicity, Eastman manages to seem antiquated, unrelatable, and confused about the very generation he writes for. The author’s ramblings come close to rational thought at times, but the linguistics put into building this tale miserably fall apart before these ideas can come to fruition. After reading this book for the first time I thought it would’ve been more pleasurable to gouge my eyes out with railroad spikes than to continue thinking about it, but it was part of my job. I didn’t have a choice in the matter, but you do. Make the right decision. There is something close to a theme or message buried in this book, but it is lost on anyone below genius IQ. Somebody should be an activist for the birds. Eastman is so incapable of communicating that only the finest of literary minds could pick up on his beyond subtle undertones. The everyman reading this book is left alone, cold, scared, and a good deal less hopeful than he was before. Although Eastman’s craft goes through drastic evolutions between this piece and his next books, the damage done by Are You My Mother? is permanent. This partial birth abortion of words is the closest any deed has come to being a crime against humanity. Would not buy.

MISTER GAGatorade launches new product SPORTS COVERAGE John C. Calhoun line: Gatorade Punto Sports Columnist/Nutball Malcolm Kelner Twins Enthusiast

Earlier today, officials from PepsiCo announced they have chosen mediocre utility Minnesota Twins infielder Nick Punto as the second athlete to ever be the namesake of an exclusive product line of Gatorade. Punto joins Tiger Woods as one of the only athletes to be immortalized in this way. The announced flavors are Failurefuel, Shattered Hopes Citrus, Powerless Punch, Mediocre Melon, Bonehead Baserunning Blunderberry, Playoff-ending Pomegranate, and Urine (pictured). Nobody is very excited about this.

Brett Favre: Upside/Downside Malcolm Kelner






Blake sports, hmm. We’ll get started with football, the sport of kings. THE SPORT OF KINGS! How dare the Blake Bears bring this game down to such an egregious level as this? It should be an elegant dance, but these young men have been playing it like a bunch of angry Canadian buckskins brawling over the last gram of opium. When I was a sprout, our helmets were made of cloth! These kids’ homecoming game was 590, the same score as Nat Turner’s Rebellion. Just as egregious. Lousy, awful, slipshod, unprofessional. I’d be willing to bet my Aunt Permelia’s left torso that those boys lose every one of their gambling patrons, myself included. Speaking of sureness, the northerners seem to think this “loco-motive” fad is here to say. WELL I CALL BALDERDASH. Every good American knows that the railroad is being built by the Irish, and every good churchgoer knows that the Irish were built by the devil. Nothing but orange-haired gargoyles sent from the Inferno to do Satan’s work. SATAN’S WORK. UNHOLY ACOLYTES FRECKLED WITH DEMON BLOOD. Speaking of Satan’s work, the girls’ soccer team is doing pretty well. Their strategy is unmatched and their offense is brilliant, but their whole sense of cartography has been a ballyhoo Philadelphia flibbertigibbet, despite the fact that the cornswoggler is Micronesia. Paleolithic cherubsman THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS, or at least according to King Gustav. And do not lecture me about the judicial process, young lady, because the turkey judge visited me last night and do you know what he ruled??? SHECOONERY! SHECOONERY ON ALL COUNTS, ASSEMBLE THE FIRING SQUAD! ZIP, BOOM, BANG, TERRIFIC. The girls’ volleyball team did well, but they should have done much better given their skill. Now, I only hate three kinds of people, and those are Whigs, abolitionists, and Hieronymus Bosch. As far as I’m concerned, well, the boy is all three. All three, all three, all three, my lords, I’m concerned that the boy is all three. THREE! What boy, you say, WHICH boy you say? THE BOY WHO CAME OVER HERE YESTERDAY! Yesterday may have been buoyancy day, but this boy here is covered in Brie. BRIE! Speaking of Brie, I just had a stroke.

Nothing but pictures of bears? What a waste of honey!

MR. GA“WHEN THE WRITER DIRECTOR DOES IT, IT’S NOT ILLEGAL.” -Rob Perez

JW: That’s the way to go. You know the only thing I’m pissed about with the present is that there are no outdoor treadmills that you can fall off. CW: There’s also not a whole lot of ethnic diversity on the Jetsons. JW: Do you like being a writer or a director better? RP: I’m a better writer than director, so I like being better. But as a director you’re kind of boss. You’re in charge. So if this movie sucks, it’s my fault. But if its kinda good, its kinda my fault too. So I like having more control. How about this, I would never On September 11th, Charlie not be a writer. and Jack Walden interviewed JW: 40 Days and 40 Nights was your first movie and it was like, Rob Perez, the writer and huge. Was that a weird shock? director of the new film nobody, which opened RP: For some reason… I was so young when it happened, and October 2nd. He said this. I was dumb enough to think ‘this is what will always happen. I’ll write a great script and they’ll always make it into a movie.’ Charlie Walden: First off, who are you? And that’s part of the reason I left Hollywood is like, nobody cares if the scripts any good. Speaking of censored version, we Rob Perez: Wha- you know the answer to that, why are you also did a TV edit for 40 days, so it’s really funny to go through asking? My name’s Rob Perez, I’m a writer and director. and instead of saying asshole, you say assface. Asshead. Yeah, it looks weird cause you can see his mouth saying the wrong CW: Describe your movie using only nouns. word. RP: Car. There’s not even a car in it, that’s hard. Uh, art. School. Block. Comedy. Jack Walden: According to the Internet, you worked for a year with Ridley Scott [who directed Alien, Blade Runner, and Gladiator]. How was that, and was it hard to work if you were covered from head to toe in excitement? RP: I would imagine that’s a very difficult way to work. Luckily for me, I’m a professional. So we save the ‘excitement’ for the recreation part of our lives. Um, uh it was cool to work with someone way smarter than me. JW: What exactly was it? RP: It was adapting a German movie called ‘Alles Bob!’ which is something German for ‘All about Bob’. It ended up going to that place where scripts go never to be made. JW: How is Minneapolis different from LA? A future we can all believe in. RP: Um… (chewing sounds) grilled cheese sandwich. Lemme think. In LA people spend a lot of time trying to seem interesting CW: You’re bein’ a froggin’ airhole right now. Ya two faced witch. and almost no time trying to actually be interesting, so you find a lot of people aren’t interesting. But they do look interesting. JW: What about like, did you and Josh Hartnett become like So people look a little more interesting over there, but they friends? Cause he coproduced Nobody. actually are more interesting here. RP: We became friends on 40 Days. And when you become friends with me, you’re stuck. CW: Do you go to a lot of parties at Hulk Hogan’s house? RP: I wish. No, he, uh… The Hulk found me physically JW: The first time I saw 40 Days and 40 Nights I was like 13 and I intimidating and I got taken off his list. There was nothing I saw it on Comedy Central I think. could do. RP: Yeah it still runs on Comedy Central, it was on this weekend. JW: Why’d you choose to do this movie independently? Like are all the rumors true about blood-sucking studio executives JW: And do you get money? who don’t care about art? RP: Absolutely. In fact if you guys ever just feel like it, instead RP: They care about not getting fired. They care about justifying of going through the whole rigmarole of going through the their jobs. Nobody gives a shit anymore whether a movie’s ads and Comedy Central, and you’re worried that it wont come good. That’s one of the twelve things. In the first 11 reasons straight to me, you can just write me a check. they make movies now, and the 12th one is, oh I think its JW: Like a tenth of a cent? gonna be okay. Priorities have gotten so screwed up and that’s why I left. I wanna make movies because I think they’re good. RP: Yeah something like that. I don’t think there’s actually JW: I don’t know if you keep up with current events, but currency. scientists have made this thing, it’s an ‘inter-connected CW: You know, George Lucas forwent his director’s fee network’ and they’re calling it an ‘internetwork’. Do you think for Empire Strikes Back and just took the toy rights. So you it’s doomed to fail and go the direction of Edison’s kinetoscope should’ve done that. or is it sustainable? I would gladly forgo my director’s fee to get the toy rights RP: Not a chance. Not gonna make it, and I’ll tell you why. One RP: of my favorite moments is in the Jetsons. The way he stays to Empire Strikes Back. So on the record I’m for that deal. connected in the future- and the Jetsons know the future, JW: There’s no toys of like the priest brother or the Laundromat? believe me- he goes out to the mailbox and the mail has little In 40 days and 40 nights. wings on it. And it flies out to his friends! This hard envelope. That’s what the future looks like, my friends. RP: There’s not a lot of action toys if you know what I mean.

MR. GALACTUS, RAVAGER OF WORLDS JW: It’s another like, you wanna make toys? You wanna make a movie about sex? There’s very little spillover of people who both like toys and sex movies.

Man finds wrong way to eat a Reese’s

CW: They don’t sell that kind of toy at Toys R Us

Daniel Webber

Despite claims of the Hershey Corporation to the conRP: Wait, are you suggesting that we... go into a new toy market? trary, local vending machine frequenter Marcus Williams, 26, reportedly discovered a wrong way to eat a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup last Tuesday. “I was just going to buy my Reese’s and get on with my day, like always,” said Williams, visibly shaken by his sudden revelation, “but when I tried to eat the first one, I just ended up smashing it into my chin.” Added Williams, “it just didn’t work at all.” This news comes at a bad time for Hershey Corporation, whose struggles to overcome a recession economy have been compounded by these new allegations of fraud. As of press time, Hershey has not released an official statement regarding the accusations except that they stand by their previous claims that “there’s no wrong way to eat a Reese’s.” Williams, however, has his doubts about the company’s assertion. “After it dawned on me that maybe there was an incorrect way to eat the candy, I got to thinking if maybe there was more than one,” Williams told reporters Tuesday. “I tried putting it in my shoe and walking around a bit, I put it on a table and banged my forehead into it, hell, I even ran one over with my truck,” explained a perplexed Williams, “but it just wasn’t the Lando Calrissian: action figure and ACTION figure same.” CW: Stranger things have happened. So what brought you to Also included in the report were data suggesting that Minneapolis? it takes the average adult 1032 licks to get to the center of a RP: Basically Josh bought a house here, one of the first things Tootsie Pop, and that there is no right way to eat black licorice. he did when he got a bunch of money, and so the first thing I did was invite myself over for a drink, and so then I got to see the town through his eyes. And it was like good vibes, good place, smart people. And so the next script I wrote, I set here. I live in his house by the way. JW: You do? That’s cool. RP: It’s my life. Welcome to my life. CW: And even after you made it you’re still bumming off your friends. RP: I like to think of myself as an accomplished couch surfer. Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate: JW: Okay we don’t have too much time left, but what’s the weirdest, craziest encounter you’ve had with someone The daylight fair does flicker and does play famous? O’er blemishes so oozing and too late, RP: Uhh… I’m trying to think of who I can get in trouble. I see I hath misplaced my eyes on thee JW: Yeah if they get wind of this over in LA… Whose skin marked rough as millstone meal may grind; RP: Yeah ill be like blacklisted again! Thy form from over there seemed that of she – CW: Did HUAC get to you? Joe McCarthy? Across the room she watches, thinks me blind; RP: It pretty much got to me. Anything I say gets back to the Forgive me, take thy hand I’d rather not, studios and they get mad at me. So this is why I try to do fewer But stay thy unforgiving acrid stench; and fewer interviews. And that’s why your readers are in for a real treat. Perchance some features on thy face hath rot: CW: That’s why you’re doing interviews in school basements. My nose with two pale fingers must I clench. RP: That’s why I’m doing this one. (laughs) I see I left my darling waiting so

A Poem

by Hannah Page

JW: Any final words?

Across the room to see her must I go.

RP: Wisdom. What is it? Where does it lie? Zen koan. Send your checks to: Rob Perez c/o Jack and Charlie Walden 511 Kenwood Parkway Minneapolis, MN 55403

Nothing funny in this image. Keep going.

MISTER GA-

Why Farmville isn’t cool

Why Farmville is cool

Jack Walden I know cool

Luke Walden Little brother

In case you don’t know, Farmville is an application on facebook with 50 million users worldwide. In it, you play as a farmer who has to keep stock of his or her crops and harvest and sell them. It’s also exactly as interesting as it sounds, which is somewhere between nursing homes and tax law. After all the hubbub and fracas with friends of mine, I decided to give Farmville a whirl. Don’t knock it ‘til you try it, right? Well in Farmville, you don’t do anything. At all. It totally escapes me how so many of you can have such a crippling addiction to this game where you just kinda chill out. “You wanna plant some soybeans? Go for it, if you want. You wanna buy a cow? No pressure.” I don’t need a computer to hang out and do nothing on a farm. I can go to a farm to hang out and do nothing on a farm. I understand how people can be addicted to a game like World of Warcraft. I played it for a year and a half, and they use crazy ornate designs and roleplaying and gambling theory to pull people in. But Farmville uses… cabbage. What? I get the pull of basically every other video game in the world. People want to be spies, football players, wizards, and Tim Allen, so they play video games.

Home Improvement video game, look it up. And yes, that’s a dinosaur in the top right. But a farmer? Really? I come from farming stock. I used to always visit my Uncle Cappy’s farm in Waupella, Illinois (he’s the real deal cause he’s named Cappy). I never once thought while I was there, “hey, this would make a great video game!” I thought, “this way of life smells like doo-doo” and “I want to go home now.” When I asked a level 21 Blake student to describe Farmville to me, she said “addicting... and good for the envirement :)”. Actually. The one person I asked for a quote misspelled it. In other news, stealing candy from babies is still easy. Really, though, it was a cute little comment and maybe Farmville does teach eco-friendliness. But that’s a major concession and I think we both know Farmville is awful.



You know who they are. You see them in the hallway and in class. You walk past them with a smirk, knowing as a god-given fact that you are better than them. They are city slickers. They know not the joy and reward that comes from playing Farmville. They frown upon you, thinking why would anyone waste their time planting and harvesting various fruits and vegetables when they could be socializing? My question to you is why would anyone waste their time socializing when they could be planting and harvesting various fruits and vegetables? What you city slickers don’t realize is that Farmville is not half-arsed commitment. It’s much more than several minutes on facebook spent clicking around. Farmville has taught me more than any human ever could. Par exemple, it has taught me how to plan ahead of and around social events. “No, I can’t do anything on Friday. Do you realize how much sugar cane I have to harvest? If I’m not home by 8 it’ll over ripen, and that’s 32,340 coins down the drain. Maybe next week though, cuz by then I’ll have a tractor, a seeder, AND a harvester, so I’ll be set for like a week. I’d like to walk you through the day of an average Farmville farmer. You wake up, log on and harvest your rice from the night before, because rice only takes 12 hours to grow. You then plant some pumpkins to harvest right after school, to gain some experience. You sit through school for 8 hours, and might get online to help some neighbors during study hall. You get home, harvest your pumpkins, maybe plant some raspberries, and then get to homework. Finish work; eat dinner, back to the farm. Harvest all your raspberries, then plant some rice. Lather, rinse, and repeat. The American Dream, hard at work. Contrary to what my brother Jack may think, I believe Farmville is the greatest thing to ever happen to mankind. Ever. When I set upon proving Jack wrong, I reflected back to my first days of Farmville. I recalled the sense of pride I had when I harvested my first soybeans, and the tremendous mental toll of having my first strawberries wilt and die. I then realized why so many of us are drawn to Farmville. Farmville has everything that a human being needs to survive. These things can be classified into 4 main categories. Let’s review. The first thing, Oxygen. Duh. That’s self explanatory, plants create it, idiot. The second category, proper environment. Face it, your farm is basically a Biodome, but without Pauly Shore screaming everywhere and being freaky. Then, the 3rd and 4th necessary elements of life; old timey country mannerisms and soul-soothing banjo music. There you go folks. Everything anyone could ever need can be found in Farmville. Or I could be wrong, it might just be a useless tool of procrastination. Your call. I AM A HUGE BUTTHEAD, PLEASE PUNCH MY FACE.

Hot Sizzlin’ Strip of the Month By Peter Olson Alright, so what do you call a highly flammable bad idea?

What

The Hindenberg!

What? Too soon?

9 0 0 2 F F O DU r duo? DYNAMIC e k c i m a n e dy who’s th

vs Charlie and Jack Walden. Two seniors. They look the same and tend to do things together. They like to think they have a lot of witty discourse, but don’t be fooled: what they call conversations are usually just 30-minute streams of penis jokes. Totally average on the coolness scale, their genetic identicality makes them a sort of worthwhile team. Jack and Charlie both have orange belt equivalency certificates from Camp Foley (from sensei Phil Ostrander) so they deliver a pretty fierce tiger punch. Ayaah! Charlie also knows like five college guys who could probably kick your ass, man.

Nonexistent

the team the team the team

combat readiness

Facial Hair

Kurt Erickson and Russ Gronlund. The maintenance guys at our school. If there’s ever a problem at Blake, these guys are there to solve it. Kurt and Russ make bad things go away. Kurt’s wily wits and mastermind plans combined with Russ’s brute strength and warrior instinct make them the perfect team. They roam the halls together and are rarely seen apart. Although Russ packs a harder punch, the two bring equal finesse and force to the table in tag-team combat. Last time someone tried to tilt the vending machine, Kurt yelled ‘fastball special’ and then tucked into a ball, gritting his teeth as Russ tossed him with animal strength into the perpetrator’s head. They’re pretty good. Awesome. On both counts.

It’s hard to talk about chemistry when two things are the exact same. Does peanut butter go with more peanut butter? Watching the Waldens interact is like watching one guy talk to himself. About movies you’ve never seen. Also, penis jokes.

chemistry

Kurt and Russ are yin and yang. They complement one another perfectly. With banter right out of a buddy cop movie, they get the job done. Find them at the right time, and they’ll crack open charming chestnuts of wisdom.

Charlie and Jack live in a basement decorated with Star Wars art and empty cans. If you’re diligent and lucky, you might find a Sports Illustrated for Kids from 1998 or an uneaten Charleston Chew.

Secret hideout

Kurt and Russ work in an underground cave just beyond the vending machines, where only the bravest dare wander. There lies an enormous room with a transistor radio, a card table, and winding passageways into the rest of the school.

VERDICT Kurt and Russ take this one home decisively. Next time you see them, tip your hat or better yet, take a knee. They are the most dynamic duo at Blake. And if you see Jack or Charlie, spit on them.

By Jack Walden

MISTER GHOUL-LA’S HALLOWEEN FUN PAGE SPOOKY SPOOKY SPOOKY SPOOKY SPOOKY SPOOKY SPOOKY SPOOKY SPOOKY SPOOKY

Find your way through this perplexing maze!

Can you spot the difference between these two images???

START

FINISH!

KULTŪRAL JØKINĢŠ KOЯNER Raimonds Pliekšāns Writer Contributing

An Ameritrade ad that Delia Bloom drew on

Three Latvian are brag about sons. “My son is soldier. He make forceful love as many woman as want,” say first Latvian. “So?” second say, “My son is farmer. He have all potato he want!” Third Latvian wait long time, then say, “My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over.” “Wow! You are win us!” say others. But all are feel sad. Is dead dog in road. Is dead Latvian in road. What difference? Dog have fur keep warm. Also, freedom. And dog try eat poop for pleasure not just survive. So many thing! Latvian is try to cross river. Has dog, potatoes, and dead son’s body. Can only take two across river at one time. If he leave dog with potatoes or corpse, dog eat them. Is very sad. Also is not good boat. What are one potato say other potato? Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato? Latvian man walk into bar with twelve inch pianist. Is deformed by malnutrition. Such is life in Latvia.