Mr. Gazette 2: Electric Boogaloo

MR GAZETTE “New look, same great taste!”

USS MAINE EXPLODES IN HAVANA HARBOR!!!!

MISTER GAZETTE Issue 2: Electric Boogaloo Super Walden Bros Publications

IN THIS ISH OF THE GAZETTE

Articles by the Waldens ‘n friends!

STOOP KID AFRAID TO LEAVE STOOP ulputpat ipsum nummy nim er sequis nos augiamet

Do we have your attention now? Good

Members of Journey angry that ‘Any Way You Want It’ is only ever used in commercials Jack Walden

HANFORD, CA- Members of the rock group Journey officially declared their displeasure last week that their 1980 song ‘Any Way You Want It’ is “only ever used in stupid commercials.” In a joint statement released last Friday, the band stated, “this song was supposed to about girls or something. When we wrote it, we had no idea it had customer service undertones and a relatable rock and roll feel that is both hip to young people and nonthreatening to old people.” The band also used the publicity to complain about the public’s use of ‘Don’t Stop Believin’. “It seems like everyone thinks that Don’t Stop Believin’ is just gonna be a karaoke show stopper and that everybody just loves it. Please listen two more than just those two of our songs, and maybe use them for things other than karaoke and commercials.” Journey has fallen seismically since their popularity in the 70s and 80s, reduced to state fair concerts and a fan base consisting of middle-aged dads and a couple sophomores. Members of Journey refused to talk to us, but Mr. Gazette did get a statement from aging bisexual mummy, space enthusiast, and occasional musician David Bowie. “It’s hard out there, man. I mean, I accidentally wrote a song that made Vanilla Ice famous.” As a result of Journey’s plea, a few Americans turned their heads for a second, and then went back to their regular schedules of not paying attention to Journey.

The imminent zombocalypse and you

MISTER GAZETTE MR GAZETTE STAFF Supreme Mugwump Charlie Walden High Chancellor Jack Walden Grand Moff Michael Carter Junior Chicken Correspondents Malcolm Kelner Benton Graham Burgermeister Michael “Bloodbath” McGrath Sports Columnist Billy Mays Survivalist Jackson “Snake Eater” Sabes D-Webb-in-Chief Daniel Webber Chub Bettels Scholar Malcolm Kelner Double Agent Peter Olson Something Smarmy Christopher Madsen Token Girl Delia Bloom Kind of writer... Alex Noot Founders/Editors-in-Chief Jack and Charlie Walden

FILLER BEARS

Man appalled at KFC’s decision to serve grilled chicken Malcolm Kelner and Benton Graham Junior Chicken Correspondents

KNOXVILLE, TN— A recent addition to Kentucky Fried Chicken’s menu has a local man feeling a mixture of negative emotions. “Grilled chicken? It just doesn’t make sense,” said local airport worker and frequent KFC customer, Brian Thorpe. He, of course, is speaking about KFC’s recent decision to serve grilled chicken, as a healthier alternative to its usual secret recipe fried chicken. Thorpe visits his local Knoxville KFC restaurant location about 1-2 times a week, and sometimes even 3 when he is in the right mood. “I’d say eight times out of ten, I order the Half Chicken Meal, which comes with two drumsticks, two thighs, and my personal choice of two sides and a delicious, flaky buttermilk biscuit, with some honey. That meal is just plain unbeatable right there. Oh, and for the sides, I usually get some mashed potatoes with gravy on the side, and some potato wedges as well. I’m getting hungry just thinking about it!” However, during these tough economic times, Thorpe likes to economize, which he’s able to do at KFC because of their economically conscious value menu, where all items are $1 or less. “When I’m running low on money, I usually pick up a couple of Snackers, one honey barbecue and one original. I like to keep things simple most of the time. I’m a big tradition guy. This really is my first love.” However, the toothy smile quickly fades from Thorpe’s face when we asked him why he’s so upset and confused over the addition of grilled chicken to KFC’s menu.

“Appalled.”

“I just don’t get it,” Thorpe reiterated, “all these years they have been serving their same simple good old fashioned fried chicken. That’s what makes them so great. Now, they’re trying to be all healthy and [stuff ] and I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all.” We still couldn’t understand though. Why he was so offended by the addition? After all, he could still order his favorite items and disregard the new ones. “It’s TRADITION! I already told you losers that I like to keep tradition! Grilled chicken just doesn’t work at KFC. Now what are they going to call the place? KGC? That ain’t the same, man!” He then started to get visibly choked up. “I don’t have all the answers. I don’t claim to know what’s actually in the food at KFC, but it looks to me like greed, betrayal, corruption, and blasphemy!” Thorpe began to yell. “They are PISSING ON THE COLONEL’S GRAVE! … PISSING!” Mr. Thorpe threw his tray, got up from his seat, and stormed out of the KFC restaurant where we were conducting the interview. That was last we saw of him. We tried to get a hold of him in the weeks following but to no avail. Other members of his family, who did take our calls, told us that Thorpe has now paid his last visit to KFC, and was seen tearfully devouring an 8 piece chicken dinner at Popeye’s.

MISTER GAMystery Non-Athlete

SPORTS COVERAGE

The mystery non-athlete of this ish is one of the most prolific non-athletes at Blake. At the extraordinarily average height of 5’9” and with a doughy physique that can only be attributed to years of Hostess cupcakes, this mystery nonathlete is someone you probably wouldn’t mind meeting in a dark alley. This person is a non-varsity athlete in football, basketball, and lacrosse. In addition to all of his noncommitments to sports, he engages in other low-octane dormant extracurricular activities, like gaming, resting, and sleeping. He also writes for his school’s second most popular newspaper. As everyone knows, Blake has a sizeable population of student-non-athletes, and it’s important to note that they’re students first. In addition to actively avoiding physical activity, the mystery child has passing grades in all of his classes This non-athlete isn’t glorified in this article for no reason. He has had a life devoid of athletic achievement and full of mediocrity. His self-described greatest moment is “that one time I saw Zach Roloff from Little People, Big World driving on the highway.” Our non-athlete boasts a level 80 restoration shaman on the World of Warcraft and has the uncanny ability to stay sedentary for hours at a time. “Sometimes I just get in the zone and I can sit and watch TV all day. Jon and Kate Plus 8, Criss Angel, there’s just no telling what I’ll watch when I get into my element.” “I also listen to a lot of music about space.” “Of all the sports I don’t play, my favorite is definitely hockey. I just love the adrenaline rush that I don’t get every time I don’t check someone into the not-boards. It’s completely describable.” The country’s obesity epidemic and increasingly slovenly national lifestyle hold the dual responsibility for blessing the Blake School with this Sultan of Sloth. Can you guess the mystery non-athlete?



Jack Walden Writer/Guy

Did you actually think I’d use a real silhouette?

Billy Mays Sports Columnist/Sales Rep

HEY BILLY MAYS HERE FOR BLAKE SPORTS COVERAGE. IF YOU’RE LOOKIN’ FOR WHAT’S HAPPENIN’ IN SPORTS AT BLAKE, I’M THE MAN TO DISH IT OUT. NOW HERE YOU GOT THE BENILDE BOYS’ LACROSSE TEAM. GOOD-LOOKIN HANDSOME GROUP OF YOUNG MEN. BUT PUT ‘EM UP AGAINST THE BLAKE LACROSSE TEAM AND THEY DON’T STAND A CHANCE. WITH BENILDE IT’S ALL SLIPPING AND SLIDING, AND WITH BLAKE IT’S JUST DISHING AND DRIVING. MAYBE YOU’RE WONDERING WHY I TYPE IN CAPS LOCK. IT’S BECAUSE I’M ALWAYS YELLING. I’VE FOUND THAT SPEAKING IN AN INTRUSIVE, ABRASIVE MANNER SELLS MORE CLEANING PRODUCTS. AND WHY WOULDN’T THAT SELL MORE NEWSPAPERS? OF COURSE IT WOULD. DO YOU THINK I GOT TO BE BILLY MAYS BY SITTING ON MY ASS AND MUMBLING ABOUT MY PRODUCTS LIKE SOME SHAM-WOW LITTLE RAGAMUFFIN? CHRIST NO. ONE DAY IN 1983 I SCREAMED ALL DAY BECAUSE SOME KID AT DOMINO’S FORGOT TO PUT ONIONS ON MY PIE. I HAVEN’T LOOKED BACK SINCE, AND LOOK AT ME NOW. I DRIVE A BENTLEY FOR CHRISSAKES. BUT I DIGRESS. NOW LET’S TAKE A LOOK AT GIRL’S JV SOFTBALL. THESE LADIES HAVE BEEN WORKING THEIR LITTLE TUSHIES OFF THIS SEASON TO ROCK OUR HIDES OFF. I WENT TO A GAME AND SOME GIRL ON THE OTHER TEAM HURT HER KNEE AND STARTED CRYING AND WHEEZING LIKE A PREMATURE BABY. TRY DOING THAT TO A BLAKE GIRL, NOTHING. GOOD AS NEW. THEY SURE AS SUGAR WON’T CRY. ATTRACTIVE AND TOUGH. WHAT’S THAT? COMMENTING ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL AGE GIRLS IS OVER THE LINE? MAYBE YOU DIDN’T SEE THE ABOVE STATEMENT. I DRIVE A BENTLEY. I’M DOING JUST FINE. AND I CERTAINLY DON’T HAVE TO ANSWER TO CHUMPS LIKE YOU. ANYHOO THESE CHICKS WERE PLAYING AGAINST SOME TEAM IN BLACK JERSEYS, OR MAYBE THEY WERE RED, I DON’T KNOW I WASN’T PAYING ATTENTION. BUT THESE BLAKE GIRLS HAVE WON FIVE STATE CHAMPIONSHIPS, SO IT’S NO SURPRISE TO SEE THEM WHEELIN’ AND DEALIN’. WHAT’S THAT? YOU DON’T BELIEVE THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED? WELL HERE’S A LITTLE TRICK OF THE TRADE FOR YOU, SHORTSTUFF. IT WAS A LIE. I PULL THAT STUFF ALL THE TIME. LEMME CRUNCH SOME NUMBERS FOR YA. OUT OF ALL THOSE FACTS I SAY IN COMMERCIALS, 70% OF EM ARE PROLLY LIES OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD. HUH? EXCUSE ME? YOU THINK IT’S IMMORAL TO LIE TO THE AMERICAN POPULACE? WELL I HAVE A YACHT. DON’T PICK FIGHTS YOU CAN’T WIN, PUNK. RIGHT, I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT SPORTS. UHH SOME PEOPLE WON SOME PEOPLE LOST. MORE PEOPLE LOST. BILLY MAYS OUT.

MISTER GAA-Rod Dumps Madonna, Now Rumored to be Dating Himself Malcolm Kelner Chub Bettels Scholar

NEW YORK— The strange saga of Alex Rodriguez continues. The star third-baseman for the New York Yankees, a 12-time All-Star and 3-time American League MVP winner, just keeps finding a way to dig himself deeper. Putting all his previous baseball controversies aside, last year, the 33-year-old Rodriguez divorced his beautiful wife Cynthia, after news surfaced that he had an affair with a New York-based exotic dancer and was being just a douchebag of a husband in general. Shortly after, it became known that A-Rod was dating the controversial and utterly disgusting pop singer, Madonna, who is 50. Thereafter, on and off the field, Rodriguez wore a red bracelet, signifying he was a believer in the Kaballah, the ancient Hebrew mystical teachings that Madonna is wellknown for “studying,” even though she’s not Jewish. If you thought the man’s life couldn’t get any weirder, you were wrong. This past February, a federal raid on a lab in Long Beach uncovered a positive steroid test result that Rodriguez had taken in 2003, which led him to admit his prior use of performance-enhancing drugs. Shortly after, eager to try to clean up his reputation of being a cheating (two kinds), egomaniacal, clubhouse cancerous, self-absorbed jerk, A-Rod (or A-Fraud, A-Roid, Pay-Wad, etc.) sat down with Details magazine for an interview. However, when the article was published, it also featured some suggestive pictures from Rodriguez’s photo-shoot with the men’s magazine.

“We have sooo much in common, it’s uncanny. We have the same favorite color, favorite food, favorite song, and favorite Major League baseball player. And we always agree on what movie to watch… at least most of the time.” A reporter than asked when the relationship started. “When we did a photo-shoot for a magazine recently, that’s when things really took off for us,” Rodriguez gloated. “Sorry… together?” a reporter asked. Rodriguez didn’t respond. The room went dead silent.

Detroit Lions to Play in Big Ten

Christopher Madsen Losing Football Teams Expert

ALLEN PARK, MICH. – After setting an NFL record in 2008 by not winning a single game, the Detroit Lions are hoping to recreate themselves this upcoming year. After firing head coach Rod Marinelli and General Manager Matt Millen, Owner and Chairman William Clay Ford said that the Lions “needed a change of scenery.” Until recently, critics had thought the aging William Clay Ford was simply speaking in platitudes, longing for the days of Barry Sanders, and almost making the playoffs. However, it became shockingly clear that even in his old age, Mr. Ford means business. This business, was of course, cosmetic. On April 20th, the lions revealed a new logo, and typeface, which included such stars as Calvin Johnson and Dominic Raiola walking the catwalk in tight-fitting blue and silver. When asked about the change Raiola responded that he was excited, and that walking the catwalk in the new uniform made him feel sexy. “that’s really what it’s all about, anyway.” When asked for comment, Calvin Johnson refused on the grounds that he’d be going D1 this coming fall. Less than two weeks after changing the uniforms and logo of the Detroit Lions, President Tom Lewand announced that the Lions would be playing in the Big Ten conference in the fall.

“...What? I mean... what?”

With these pictures, clearly, all Rodriguez did was confirm the fact that he is in fact a narcissist weirdo who loves himself more than anyone else. Now keep reading; the story gets even more messed up. In an interview shortly after with People magazine, the interviewer asked Rodriguez how his relationship with Madonna was going, and he gave a quick and surprising answer. “It’s not her that I’m seeing anymore,” he said. The questioner then asked the next logical question: So you’re dating someone else then? Rodriguez responded sharply by saying “No comment. This interview is over.” So apparently, Roddonna was officially over, in a long tale which became known by the public when Rodriguez was spotted carrying flowers to Madonna’s New York City apartment. However, later on the night of the People interview, Rodriguez was spotted carrying a bouquet… to his apartment, even though there was no one else there! To confirm, we here at Mr. Gazette checked his relationship status on Facebook, and saw that Rodriguez was indeed listed as “In a relationship”, but was also one of those jerks that says “in a relationship” but not with whom. We then called A-Rod’s agent and spokesman, Scott Boras, to ask about what in Babe Ruth’s name was going on with his client, and Boras surprisingly took our call. “All I’m going to say is Alex is currently dating someone he has known for a very, very long time... I know he’s had some relationship troubles in the past but I think he has finally found the right person for him. So I apologize to you media hounds because you’re already being hounded by reporters asking the same question we were interested in, so we quickly listened in. “We’re a great couple together,” we heard.

Editor’s Note: There are no anthropomorphic great cats on the Detroit Lions or anywhere in professional football. “It’s about changing a culture within our organization and within our community.” He said. “We really feel like we could just be more competitive in the Big Ten. We owe it to the fans of this great organization to try and win as much as we can. Another reason why moving to the Big Ten made business sense was moving onto the Big Ten network. Very few people in the Detroit area receive stations like Fox, CBS, ABC or ESPN, so we weren’t able to extend our reach to all of our fans. But now that we’re on the Big Ten Network, we should have no problem reaching out to all of our fans and improving our ratings, right? Places like Ohio and Penn State regularly sellout one-hundred thousand seat stadiums and we hope to have similar success in the upcoming years. We understand that Martin [Mayhew] and Jim [Schwartz] may have a challenge ahead of them, preparing our rather green team for the grueling demands of the college football season, and hope that they, and the rest of the team, will be successful.

MISTER GASafari Steve to be Upgraded to Firefox Steve

Archduke of Azeroth Assassinated, Thus Begins World War I of Warcraft

Last week, Dan Trockman the computer department of the Blake Upper School decided that this summer, they will be upgrading security guard Steve Haugh from the outdated Safari 2.7.1to the much more recent Mozilla Firefox 3.0.10. The upgraded version of Steve will have a friendlier user interface, more resistance to viruses like the common cold and HPV, quicker movement for when he saunters through the hallways, and be less prone to [motorcycle] crashes. The new Firefox anti-virus software will help our favorite security guard combat Trojan Horse viruses as well as providing him with the bloodthirst and weapons expertise that would be required in the event of Blake being infiltrated by an actual giant horse filled with Greek soldiers. Now peers, I know what you’re thinking. “Why would we want to upgrade the rootinest, tootinest cowboy in the wild west entrance?” Well, the things we love would stay intact, like the snakeskin boots, bolo ties, and uncharacteristically awesome paintings, but his software is just outdated. This means that we as students can look forward to a new OKAY PLEASE JUST STOP USING THE TERM “SAFARI STEVE” IT DIDN’T EVEN REALLY MAKE SENSE 3 YEARS AGO AND IT STILL DOESN’T REALLY NOW. I TRIED TO SAY THIS IN THE LAST ISSUE AND IT DIDNT COMPUTE WITH YOU. COME ON GUYS WHAT IS THIS I DON’T EVEN

Emoticon? Or Emotiwrong? Delia Bloom Token Girl

“See you Saturday =).” “I’m super excited XD.” “I had pie for dinner :P.” We all love emoticons. I mean, who doesn’t like to end their Facebook wall posts with a cute little face? There’s no harm in that, right? WRONG. Emoticons are threatening our generation and our society. They are becoming so common in our electronic social lives that there are conversations made entirely of emoticons. How many of you have felt that shining light of joy when you discover a new one? Like the devil face or a peace sign? I know I have, but when will it end? We know how very upsetting this is, but you must lean in and listen close. Emoticons are here and they are here to stay. Don’t believe me? Just last month a Golden Valley man called the police, who reportedly had “a crazed hippie” running around his yard. Fortunately for us, his neighbor, who wishes to remain anonymous, whipped out his cellular device to videotape the whole scene. Unfortunately for us, this publication is not the Daily Prophet or the Quibbler, so we cannot actually show it to you. We can, however, show you the transcript. Young naked female: “Smiley face! Isn’t this fun (winky face)? (Tongue-out-face) Come join me (angel face)! (Devil face) You won’t (big smiley face) regret it!” The woman was also seen contorting her own face to resemble some sort of sideways emoticon, trying to make her eyes look like a semi-colon and her mouth stretching into an eerily parenthesis-like curve. Truly horrifying. V

Archduke Bigsexxy shortly before his death

This week on TV Charlie Walden

Super Cool Hollywood Reporter

Suite Life on Deck

Disney Channel, Wed. 9 PM EST This is a show about Zack and Cody, but instead of in a luxury hotel, they’re on a luxury boat! Yeah!...You know, summaries of Disney shows should be fun and filled with exclamation points, but this can really not be ignored. Zack has gained a lot of weight. He’s supposed to play the one that’s successful with girls, but there is no way of getting around his chubby prepubescence. The gimmick was that these kids look exactly the same, but now we have an obvious short fat one and tall skinny one. They should call this show the Suite Life of Abbott and Costello.

Jon & Wh*re Plus 4

:-[

TLC, Sun. 10 PM EST This wacky spinoff of Jon & Kate Plus 8 follows super-husband Jon Gosselin in his post-marriage life along with his mistress and his share of the eight children he fathered with ex-wife Kate. We see a change of scenery from the large, environmentally conscious Gosselin home to a small, fluid-stained two-room apartment in South Baltimore. The inspiring show explores how to keep the shards of a family together after being destroyed by an extramarital affair, and in the words of adorable daughter Alexis, “why New Mommy feeds us cold beans instead of food.” This season: the kids get used to sleeping on the same “We here at Mr. Gazette are not happy.” bathroom floor, and could Jon be having an extra extramarital affair? Also, watch out for Kate & Her Parents Plus the Other 4 coming this Still aren’t certain of this swine-flu-like plague? As fresh as last summer. week, a St. Louis Park teen, Edward Weinblatt, came forward in admitting that he has become a victim of it. He released a statement: “Yes, it is true that I have been KISSY FACE, excuse me, infected. I’m not here for pity, I merely want to warn all the young people out there of the all too serious dangers of SAD FACE, sorry, emoticons. Luckily, this is preventable, so we all need to ANGRY FACE. Man! I’m so sorry. As you can plainly FOOT-INMOUTH FACE. I can barely even get out a $%#!* sentence! [Gasp faces could be seen cascading through the crowd] Whoa, calm down. I’m truly EMBARASSED FACE, LIPS-ARE-SEALED FACE, MUFFIN FACE. Can’t… MEERKAT FACE stop… AL ROKER FACE.” He was promptly escorted away from the crowd. Have you ever caught yourself saying “happy face” at the end of a sentence? I have and I know that we will become just as bad as the once-innocent Columbus folk if we don’t stop this quickly and completely. Will you join me in stamping out this epidemic or will you be the one being quoted in some other school’s fake newspaper after an emoticon breakout kills us all? Your call, Blake School. America’s favorite couple

Nothing funny in this image. Keep looking.

MISTER GA-

ACTION JACKSON With Jackson Sabes Survival Expert

I wish I could start this piece of journalism telling you how great the Blake School is, and then outline some specific survival techniques that would make the School even greater. I wish I could tell you that. But what I have seen in these past months has disgusted and offended me on the deepest level. I am talking about this school’s abominable zombie survival tactics, or rather its complete lack of them. The first step to overcoming the pending undead plague is understanding. For the purposes of this article, I’m going to assume that the zombie virus will be called something really cool like “Solanum”. Now, a person infected with Solanum is practically indistinguishable from your average leper, so identification is next to impossible. If you see what appears to be leprous Blake student, DO NOT CONFRONT THEM ABOUT POSSIBLE ZOMBIFICATION. We don’t want to offend anyone because if a Blake student ever thinks he might feel offended, the hydrogen bomb under the cafeteria will explode and we will all die. But this school has bigger problems. With a school nurse only here two or three days a week, how could we hope for the medical support needed to quarantine the infected? Would she be prepared to amputate the infected areas on students? We must ask ourselves these hard questions to prepare. Furthermore Solanum is extremely easy to transfer and contract. Saliva and blood transfers the disease, so what does our school do? Arrange a dance and a blood drive.

“Not you too, Will Smith...” The second step is training our students to protect themselves and others. Right now we have two aces in the hole, the fencing team and the robotics team. Really though, do you think even Tom Bergen’s elite level of swordsmanship could hold off legions of the undead? As Pirates and Ninjas have an inverse relationship, Zombies and Robots are joined in unholy matrimony. If the only thing powerful enough to stop zombies is robots, we’re making great strides. Firing foam balls and ramming zombies’ ankles is great progress, but in order to really succeed we’re going to need to upgrade. With the current state of our robot arsenal even the piloting skills of Jay Jasper can’t hold them off. Like little Ani Skywalker flew his Naboo Cruiser and fired a proton missile to destroy the trade federation, I trust the robotics and fencing team to carve through the zombies making way for us civilians. The third step is defending and maintaining. If Blake is to become a sustainable human enclave in the decomposing hordes, we need to organize. Food gathering duties will follow the table wipe down schedule to make sure we maximize efficiency. Currently any zombie could easily walk into school and steal Mr. Menge’s briefcase, so it is important to remind you of Blake’s Zombie policy. 1. Introduce yourself, say, “Hello, my name is _________, may I help you get to where you’re going?” 2. If this person responds in “GHGHGHGHHGHH BRAINS!” or any variation of that word proceed to step 3, otherwise report this suspicious human to an adult. 3. After making sure it is a zombie you’re looking at and not a Breck student, (AWW YEAH, BRECK SUCKS!) grab the nearest blunt object and bash its face in until the moaning stops. Finally, we need to worry not only about likely events such as human zombies, but worst-case scenarios, as well. Our school’s proximity to the Como Zoo would be a recipe for disaster in the event of a Solanum outbreak. No amount of training would prepare our community to deal with zombie bears and sharks. They are cunning, unbelievably strong, and they do not know fear. In this situation, your only option is to sit down, make peace with your god, and pray that your soul won’t be trapped in the undead beast you are about to become. Stay classy, wastelanders.

I am still waiting for my Hogwarts acceptance letter... Michael Carter

All right so… basically I don’t get it. I’m seventeen years old and I still haven’t received my letter? Is owl post broken or something? Seriously guys, its about time. I’m basically a grownup! I could be a wizarding adult right now! Its about time you stopped playing coy. We both know you want me. I have know ever since I was in first grade that I am not a Muggle. When I get emotional, crazy stuff happens. Like once I was being dangled by my Great-Uncle Algie out the window and he dropped me and I fell into a dumpster and only broke like five bones. Coincidence? I think not. I have even been practicing my wandwork! Swish and Flick! Only way to take on a mountain troll! HAHAHA! But seriously. Do you think I made my own wizarding hat out of mercury and beaver fur just for kicks? Do you even know how hard it is to catch a beaver? I had to hide all the scrapin’s from the pelt in the garden. Not to mention how mad my mom got when I tried to break into the zoo to get some Komodo dragon heartstring for my wand. You’d think she’d be grateful after I saved her from deadly wolfsbane by shoving it down her throat just like Harry! So that’s why I’m writing to you from this mental institution instead of my home like all of the other letters. I’ve been reading the books over and over and I haven’t got any insight on whether pigeons are acceptable for owl post. Because the last owl I caught just turned around and scraped my face when I told it to “hasten fortwith to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.” I suppose all of the prefects and upper years would tease me something terrible if I had a pigeon instead of an owl, but the loss of blood is making me a little faint. It’s a good thing I fill out all my letters five times otherwise I could never be sure if a thestral got my pigeon! Write back soon! Or really just write back, I’m beginning to wonder if Peeves is stealing the mail again. Oh that Peeves!

Charlie Manson’s Quirks ‘n’ Quarks “I have a secret handshake with my dog.” “I always wear the same lucky underwear before a big game or test.” “I sing Beach Boys in the shower!” “I love PBJ with the crust cut off!” “I was the head of a cult crime family and tried to start an apocalyptic race war by murdering seven people. “ “One time I painted my nails. So embarrassing!”

MISTER GA

Mr. Upset

Standards in Third-World Countries Drop as More People Lose Whopper

Jesus Christ Found Frozen in Carbonite

CENSORED!!! Bloodbath McGrath’s article was considered too racy for this issue. There was nothing we could do about it. I would get him to write another one, but I haven’t seen him in a coon’s age.

A drug-addled Taiwanese local

Tim & Tom

By Peter Olson, 006

Why are you wearing a headband?

Because it makes me feel awesome.

“I Love you, Jesus!” . . . “I know.”

Student accepted at Harvard, Princeton, Yale, Stanford and Columbia devastated by rejection from Brown Daniel Webber According to eyewitness reports, an anonymous local student accepted at Harvard, Princeton, Yale, Stanford, and Columbia was visibly agitated at news of his rejection from Brown. “The admissions staff at Brown is just a bunch of jerks,” said the high school senior, despite his opportunity to attend five of the most prestigious universities in the country. “They just don’t know a good thing when they see it, those enormous buttholes. Who even likes Rhode Island, anyway?” he asked, pacing angrily. “Brown just thinks it’s so much better than me,” he added, seething. “It’s probably that 4 I got on that stupid European History AP. Nine AP tests, and I just had to get a 4 on one of them. I knew I should have bought that third study guide,” he mumbled. “Damn College Board. And don’t even get me started on the ACT. Despite six retakes I never got above my initial 35. Brown isn’t going to accept someone with only a 35,” he continued, clearly oblivious to his acceptance at such institutions as Princeton and Yale. “Or that A- I got in Physics C. What the heck is that? It’s only the hardest class offered in the catalog, and I can’t even do better than a 92%? I’m just so much better than that. And an 11 on my SAT essay? I even used the SAT as an example! That stuff’s pure gold!” he exclaimed shrilly, frightening nearby small children. “And don’t even talk about those bozos at Penn. Put me on a freakin’ waiting list. That’s like the same thing as saying, ‘hey, you’re only better than 85% of our other applicants’,” he whined, somehow unmoved by four other Ivies’ opinions to the contrary. “Yeah, well, screw you too, Penn,” he concluded, shouting obscenities at the top of his lungs. “Now I have to settle for Harvard. Or Brown College.” There’s no way wearing a headband can make you feel awesome.

I stand corrected.

MISTER GA FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN

SUPER FUN CROSSWORD PUZZLE!!!

Oh no! The staff of Mr. Gazette got their names mixed up in pancakes! Can you unscramble them? MARK CLOMELLN

PETRE OLSNO 1

GRENTON BAH

AM

Hints ACROSS 1. I think, therefore _ am DOWN 1. 9th letter of the alphabet

LL JONES

ZERYNJ TLAKOMP

BASKETBA

н

и тал С ф

си

Ио

you=SUCK

Creepy and Disproportionate Coloring Corner

One of these is not like the other.... Guess the difference between this two almost identical figures! Answer: The one on the left is named Jack and the one of the right is named Charlie. They have a lot of differences in their faces and personalities. Know the difference, it could save your life.