Messages Section 1 Notes
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Cory Lane November 5, 2007 Messages Section 1 Notes Chapter 1: Listening
Chapter 2: Self-Disclosure
• Listening is an essential skill for maintaining relationships • Real listening is based on the intention to: ○ Understand ○ Enjoy ○ Learn ○ Help or Comfort • Pseudo-listening is based on a need to: ○ Make people like you ○ Avoid rejection ○ Hear something specific ○ Be heard ○ Be polite • Blocks to listening: ○ Comparing ○ Mind reading ○ Rehearsing ○ Filtering ○ Judging ○ Dreaming ○ Identifying ○ Advising ○ Put-downs or discounting ○ Being Right ○ Changing the subject ○ Placating tone • Effective Listening ○ Active Listening Paraphrasing Clarifying ?s Constructive Feedback ○ Listening w/ empathy ○ Listening w/ openness Considering another viewpoint ○ Listening w/ awareness Consider truthfulness, congruency of tone and content • Total Listening ○ Eye contact ○ Lean forward ○ Nodding or paraphrasing ○ Clarifying questions ○ Move away from distractions ○ Commit to understanding • Listening for Couples ○ Reciprocal Communication Active Listening Taking Turns
• Self-disclosure implies: ○ Communication with another ○ Transfer of new information ○ Truthfulness • Dimensions of “Self” ○ Open Self: actions & words ○ Blind Self: habits ○ Hidden Self: secrets ○ Unknown Self: subconscious • Self-disclosure is shift of info from hidden self to open self • Rewards of Self-Disclosure ○ Increased self-knowledge ○ Closer intimate relationships ○ Disclosure breeds disclosure ○ Lessening of guilt ○ Gain energy/relieve tension • Blocks to self-disclosure ○ Societal bias ○ Fear ○ Repressed Feelings • Optimal Self-Disclosure ○ Amount of self-disclosure based on: Personality Mood Situation/topic Audience ○ Balance is key • Practicing Self-disclosure ○ Levels of disclosure: Informational Past thoughts and feelings Current thoughts and feelings
Chapter 3: Expressing
• Four Kinds of Expression ○ Observations ○ Thoughts ○ Feelings ○ Needs • Whole Messages ○ All four types of expression ○ Full disclosure ○ Clear meaning ○ Partial message Omission of one or more types of expression that can lead to confusion • Contaminated Messages ○ Disguised expression ○ Hidden meaning ○ Confusing ○ Mismatch of content and tone • Preparing Your Message ○ Self-awareness ○ Awareness of audience ○ Awareness of setting • Rules for Effective Expression ○ Direct messages No assumptions about obviousness of implied expression No passive aggressiveness ○ Immediate messages No delayed communication Avoid build-up of emotion ○ Clear messages No omission No vagueness Avoid loaded questions Congruency of content, tone, and body language Avoid double messages Avoid hidden meanings One topic at a time ○ Straight Messages No hidden agendas Tell the truth ○ Supportive Messages No labeling Avoid sarcasm Do not bring up the past No negative comparisons No “You Messages” No Threats
Chapter 2: Self-Disclosure
• Listening is an essential skill for maintaining relationships • Real listening is based on the intention to: ○ Understand ○ Enjoy ○ Learn ○ Help or Comfort • Pseudo-listening is based on a need to: ○ Make people like you ○ Avoid rejection ○ Hear something specific ○ Be heard ○ Be polite • Blocks to listening: ○ Comparing ○ Mind reading ○ Rehearsing ○ Filtering ○ Judging ○ Dreaming ○ Identifying ○ Advising ○ Put-downs or discounting ○ Being Right ○ Changing the subject ○ Placating tone • Effective Listening ○ Active Listening Paraphrasing Clarifying ?s Constructive Feedback ○ Listening w/ empathy ○ Listening w/ openness Considering another viewpoint ○ Listening w/ awareness Consider truthfulness, congruency of tone and content • Total Listening ○ Eye contact ○ Lean forward ○ Nodding or paraphrasing ○ Clarifying questions ○ Move away from distractions ○ Commit to understanding • Listening for Couples ○ Reciprocal Communication Active Listening Taking Turns
• Self-disclosure implies: ○ Communication with another ○ Transfer of new information ○ Truthfulness • Dimensions of “Self” ○ Open Self: actions & words ○ Blind Self: habits ○ Hidden Self: secrets ○ Unknown Self: subconscious • Self-disclosure is shift of info from hidden self to open self • Rewards of Self-Disclosure ○ Increased self-knowledge ○ Closer intimate relationships ○ Disclosure breeds disclosure ○ Lessening of guilt ○ Gain energy/relieve tension • Blocks to self-disclosure ○ Societal bias ○ Fear ○ Repressed Feelings • Optimal Self-Disclosure ○ Amount of self-disclosure based on: Personality Mood Situation/topic Audience ○ Balance is key • Practicing Self-disclosure ○ Levels of disclosure: Informational Past thoughts and feelings Current thoughts and feelings
Chapter 3: Expressing
• Four Kinds of Expression ○ Observations ○ Thoughts ○ Feelings ○ Needs • Whole Messages ○ All four types of expression ○ Full disclosure ○ Clear meaning ○ Partial message Omission of one or more types of expression that can lead to confusion • Contaminated Messages ○ Disguised expression ○ Hidden meaning ○ Confusing ○ Mismatch of content and tone • Preparing Your Message ○ Self-awareness ○ Awareness of audience ○ Awareness of setting • Rules for Effective Expression ○ Direct messages No assumptions about obviousness of implied expression No passive aggressiveness ○ Immediate messages No delayed communication Avoid build-up of emotion ○ Clear messages No omission No vagueness Avoid loaded questions Congruency of content, tone, and body language Avoid double messages Avoid hidden meanings One topic at a time ○ Straight Messages No hidden agendas Tell the truth ○ Supportive Messages No labeling Avoid sarcasm Do not bring up the past No negative comparisons No “You Messages” No Threats
