Markham: Tales Of Suburbia

Markham: Tales of Suburbia By Harry J. Chong & Paul F. Micallef Script #14 – Extremely Rough Copy

INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM – DAY Grade 9. Rookie Rumble. Initiation. The NINERS sit anxiously in the bleachers watching the Mummy Wrap game, kids competing to see who can wrap their mates up the fasted in T.P. A banner on the wall reads, “WELCOME GRADE NINES!” Four boys are sitting together having a discussion: EEMON the skinny Irish, CASEY the hat wearing Italian, PABLO the spiky haired Welshman and HENRY the glass wearing Asian. EEMON This is fuckin’ kife. CASEY I ain’t participatin’ in this bullshit. PABLO I swear tah God if one of those grade 12 fucks comes up here and tells me to get down there, I’m gonna tell ‘im to fuck off. HENRY You’re not gonna do that. PABLO Oh yeah? A PRETTY GIRL comes up the bleachers and approaches the four boys. PRETTY GIRL Hi do you guys wanna come down and join the games? Pablo and the rest shake their heads, no. The pretty girl leaves. HENRY What’s that you say? You didn’t tell her to fuck off? Interesting!

PABLO Oh shut the fuck up. CASEY This is gay. Let’s get the fuck outta here. Casey and the rest get up from their seats. They go to the nearby doors to exit but are stopped by a nerdy SENIOR student. SENIOR Hey you guys can’t leave. CASEY Who the fuck put you in charge? SENIOR Hey don’t swear at me you fucking niner. PABLO Don’t call us fucking niners. We ain’t fucking niners. SENIOR I’ll call you whatever the hell I want. CASEY Yeah? SENIOR Yeah! Casey pushes the Senior down and he and the boys bolt through the door. INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE GYM – DAY The boys run away and go into one of the nearby stairwells. INT. STAIRWELL NEAR GYM – DAY The four catch their breath. PABLO (Panting) I gotta stop smoking.

HENRY (Panting) Yeah that was close. PABLO (To Henry) Why are you outta breath? You don’t even smoke. HENRY Hello! I’m fat! PABLO Oh yeah… CASEY You know what we should do today? (Pause) Skip school. Now that would be a hoot and a holler. HENRY What? EEMON It’s the second day of school Casey. I don’t think now is the time to start slacking. CASEY School fucking shmool! Why the fuck are we here anyway? What, to learn about some fucking trivial bullshit that we’ll NEVER use in the future? (Sarcasm) Oh yeah that’s a real productive use of our time isn’t it? HENRY I’m with Casey man. School is a total fucking illusion. It’s just a prison for kids, man. We shouldn’t even be here! We should be out enjoying our youth! PABLO (Snaps Fingers) Hey I know! We can visit Matt’s house. HENRY Who the fuck is Matt?

PABLO Remember that rich Portuguese kid I knew in elementary school. CASEY That little fucker who always had everything the first day it came out? PABLO Uh, yeah that little fucker. I uh, think he has a Playstation®. CASEY Are you shitting me? Don’t shit me Pablo. I don’t like tah be shitted. PABLO Uh yeah, no shit. CASEY Oh shit we gotta go to his fucking house! EEMON Wait, wait, shouldn’t he be at school too? PABLO Naw, he always stays home the first couple o’ days. HENRY So what the fuck are we waiting for? Let’s play some Crash fucking Bandicoot! The boys exit through the doors. EXT. BUS STOP – DAY Lots of traffic passes by. No bus. HENRY Where the hell is the fucking bus? It’s been like 15 minutes man. PABLO Calm down the Markham buses always run late.

EEMON This is total kife. CASEY Why do you keep saying that? EEMON What? CASEY Kife? Why do you always say kife? What the hell is kife? EEMON Shit. In my language kife means shit. HENRY Heh. I didn’t know you were Scottish. EEMON (Angry) Scottish?! What the fuck! I’m not fucking Scottish! I’m Irish! I-R-I-S-H! I, fucking, rish! IRISH! HENRY Jesus Christ Eemon, it was just a mistake. EEMON …You’re right! You’re fucking right. I’m sorry I yelled at you Henry. (Puts Hand on Henry’s Shoulder) Are you okay? Did, did I hurt your feelings? HENRY (Henry Brushes Off Eemon’s Hand) Yeah I think I’ll live. The bus arrives. INT. BUS – DAY Pablo, Henry, Eemon, and Casey flash their bus passes and get onto the bus. They go into the back where there is a mixed Asian kid sitting and playing a Gameboy®. His name is DANNY.

PABLO (To Danny) Hey kid you can’t sit with us. Danny ignores Pablo. Casey turns off Danny’s Gameboy. DANNY (Looks Up) What the fuck is your problem? CASEY Listen ghost-face when my friend talks you fucking listen. Don’t ignore him. DANNY I don’t have to move just because you fags enjoy familiar balls! This is a public bus. I am a part of the public. Therefore I have a right to be here…So please! Kindly FUCK OFF. EEMON He’s got a point there. HENRY (To Danny) Look my Asian brother! You don’t wanna mess with us! We’re dangerous! So fucking dangerous in fact all our middle names (pause) are fucking danger. DANNY (Tilts Head) Yeah? Well I’m a black belt in Karate! So you wanna get rough? You wanna get rough?! Go ahead BRING IT ON BITCH! Danny stands up and takes a martial arts pose. DANNY C’man! Let’s go! A stout Filipino boy named WESS interjects and interrupts Danny’s “dance of death.” WESS (Sitting) Karate kid, sit the fuck down. You’re gonna get your ass kicked.

DANNY Who the fuck are you? WESS Hernandex. Wess Hernandex. DANNY You mean THE Wess Hernandex. WESS That’s right -- the famous movie star. DANNY Good God you’ve made some terrible movies. WESS What? DANNY I said, “Good FUCKING God you’ve made some terrible FUCKING movies!” WESS Hey! I’m not the goddamn writer alright. Jersey Kid was not my idea. DANNY Well your acting still sucked. Wess stands up. WESS You really do wanna get your ass kicked today don’t you? DANNY Try me. Wess tackles Danny. They get into a rumble. EXT. OUTSIDE BUS, 14th AVENUE – DAY The bus stops. Pablo, Casey, Eemon, Henry, Danny and Wess are kicked off the bus. Henry falls onto the ground. He gets up and dusts himself off. PABLO

Great! Now how are we gonna get to Matt’s house! CASEY (To Danny) You fuck this is your fault! You just had to pull a Keanu Reeves! News fucking flash! None of you can fight! DANNY Oh no you didn’t just insult Keanu Reeves! Danny goes into another martial arts pose. Pablo kicks Danny in his balls. Danny falls to the ground. DANNY (In Pain) What the hell man! That was a total cheap shot! PABLO So you aren’t a martial arts master. DANNY No! I was just tryin’ to be cool! (Tears) PABLO Oh -- sorry. WESS What is wrong with you dude? This man clearly has diminutive nuts! Now, he’s probably not gonna be able tah have kids anymore. DANNY Really? Danny gets up. DANNY Sweet! HENRY Sweet?! DANNY Yeah -- sweet! I don’t have to deal with teen pregnancy anymore. Now I can fuck all the girls I want COMPLETELY worry free!

PABLO Yeah if you can get the girls in the first place. DANNY Hey nutcracker I can get all the girls I want. PABLO You couldn’t get a girl if you were a lesbian. And you know lesbians they’re totally horny! DANNY What do you know about lesbians? PABLO Not much right now, but I am exploring my options. I have a theory that all a woman needs is a good deep cock. DANNY Hey you stole that from Chasing Amy! PABLO Hey I thought about it way before Kevin Smith. Kevin Smith -- fuck Kevin Smith! That cheese eating motherfucker. DANNY Oh no you didn’t just insult Kevin Smith. Wess puts his hands on Danny’ shoulder and holds him back. WESS Dude, don’t. EEMON Well this is fucking dandy. We’re stuck in the middle of fucking nowhere. What the fuck are we gonna do? HENRY What are you talking about? We’re on 14th avenue. The school is right fucking there. Henry points to the school in the close distance. PABLO (Sighs) I guess we’re gonna hafta walk.

CASEY Aw fuck. And I’m carrying all this loose change in my pocket. Casey jangles his loose change. EEMON You want me to carry it for you? CASEY Naw that’s okay -- I think I can carry my own change. Let’s just hurry this thing up though; I think I’m getting a rash. WESS A rash rash. How very unusual. CASEY (To Pablo) Why is he here again? Pablo shrugs. EXT. ALONG 14TH AVENUE – DAY The boys walk along 14th avenue. Henry kicks an empty pop can in boredom. CASEY Will you stop kicking that fucking can around? HENRY You don’t own me. Casey steps on the pop can and crushes it. HENRY I still can kick it. CASEY Not if I crush your bok-choy. HENRY …I think I could manage.

As the boys are walking, Pablo suddenly pauses. He looks up and sees a beautiful woman changing her clothes in the window of a home. PABLO HEY! (Whispering) That woman in the window is changing her clothes! WESS Jesus Christ those are some nice melons! DANNY I swear if you guys wasn’t around -- I would totally start beating it. WESS Hey why not? If we all do it together it won’t be gay! CASEY I am not going to fap off in the middle of a public street in front of five other guys. WESS Well if you won’t, I will. DANNY Me two! EEMON You two go the ahead. We’re gonna step back. Danny and Wess whip out their pieces and start jerking off. The others stand behind and watch. Henry takes out a camera and takes a picture. The other boys laugh and smirk. DANNY (Turns Head) Hey why are you guys laughing? Is that a tranny in the window? Oh please don’t be a fucking tranny! Wess smacks Danny on the back of the head. DANNY Ow! (Turns)

WESS Hey hurry up and finish! I wanna get outta here some time today okay! Danny and Wess finish jerking off. The group rejoins and they continue walking down the road. They stop when they see a dead dog on the road. He is squished flat. HENRY Sweet Christ! Who did this?! FLASHBACK – CAR DRIVING DOWN 14TH AVENUE Danny’s DAD is driving Danny and his friend to school. There is a dog in the middle of the road chasing his tail in a circle. DANNY Dad there’s a dog ahead on the road. Please make sure you don’t hit it. DAD Of course. The dad continues driving. He mows down the dog. SQUISH! DANNY What the hell is wrong with you! I asked you not to hit the dog! The Dad looks back. DAD I’m sorry. There was nothing I could do. It was unavoidable. The Dad turns back around and grins sinisterly. RETURN TO PRESENT HENRY This isn’t right man! This isn’t fucking right! Henry picks up the red dog collar and looks at the tag. HENRY We have to give this dog a funeral. PABLO

What about Matt’s? HENRY Fuck Matt! We have to bury this dog! This is an injustice! DANNY This is Markham! Half of the population is Asian. They don’t give a fuck about dogs and neither should you. HENRY Don’t piss me off. I am so pissed off right now. EEMON Jaysus Christ fuck, let’s just bury the damn dog already. WESS Where the hell are we gonna bury it? CASEY I know where to bury it. EXT. BARN CORNFIELDS – DAY The boys walk through the cornfield to get to the barn. Henry is carrying the squished dog in a plastic bag. DANNY This is a fucking waste of time. WESS What disappointed you didn’t get to eat the dog Danny? DANNY Hey asshole -- Chinese people don’t eat dogs. Those are Koreans. EEMON North or South? DANNY Which is the communist one? EEMON North. DANNY

Yeah the North Koreans. The North Koreans eat dogs. HENRY Nobody eats dogs okay. That’s just sick. CASEY I, I think they do. PABLO Well I don’t see why you wouldn’t eat dogs; they’re so abundant and nutritious. (Salivating) Somebody on this planet has to eat them. HENRY Nobody eats fucking dogs okay! Show me one person that eats fucking dogs! CASEY Hitler? HENRY Naw those were cats. And by cats I mean Jews. CASEY Oh you anti-Semite! HENRY Just stating the facts Casey. Just stating the facts. PABLO Hey Henry! Henry turns his attention toward Pablo. PABLO Shut the fuck up, we’re here. The BOYS arrive at the barn. They step forward and look up. DANNY Ooh scary!

INT. BARN, MAIN LEVEL – DAY

Pablo opens the creaking door and the boys enter the barn. Inside is musky and dirty. Particles of dust are suspended in the air and are highlighted by the beams of light emanating from between the pieces of fractured wood. PABLO (Coughs) How did you find out about this place again Casey? CASEY My uncle. Said if I needed a place to dispose of anything this would be good. EEMON Dispose of what Casey? CASEY I dunno plutonium? EEMON (Suspicious) Plutonium eh? Hrm… Pablo scratches his chin. HENRY Okay! Let’s hurry up and bury this dog! …It’s really starting to smell. (Smells Bag) Ooh! Anybody got a shovel? CASEY Uh, there should be one on the second level. WESS Leave it to me gents. INT. BARN, SECOND LEVEL – DAY Wess climbs up the ladder and gets to the second level. He looks around for the shovel. He sees it in the corner and picks it up. The tip is stained red. Wess goes back down.

INT. BARN, MAIN LEVEL - DAY

WESS I got the shovel. Wess tosses the shovel to Henry. Henry looks at the tip. HENRY Why is the tip of the shovel red? CASEY I dunno Kool-Aid? EEMON Kool-Aid eh? Hrm… PABLO Would you hurry up and dig the fucking hole? I’m sweating like Al Roker. Henry digs a small hole and dumps the dog inside and buries it. HENRY (Praying) Our Father, Who art in heaven Hallowed be Thy Name; Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen. CASEY How does that prayer have anything to do with a dead dog? HENRY Do you know any other prayer? Casey has no response. HENRY Alright then! PABLO

Alright then let’s get the fuck outta here. The Boys leave the barn. EEMON (Mumbling) I swear tah fucking Gad that barn gave me asthma. Fucking kife barn. EXT. ALONG 14TH AVENUE – DAY Pablo, Henry, Casey, Eemon, Danny and Wess continue their journey to Matt’s house. They are stopped by a YOUNG CHILD on a bike. YOUNG CHILD Excuse me have you seen my dog? He’s small and brown, and he has a red leather collar. Wait let me show you a picture. The Young Child takes out a “missing dog” flyer and shows it to the boys. It is the same dog from the road. YOUNG CHILD Do you recognize him? Maybe you’ve seen him? HENRY Uh, no we haven’t seen any dogs around. A cat -- but no dogs. YOUNG CHILD Are you sure? Because I’ve been searching for him for a couple days now and my dad’s real angry. I think he’s gonna beat the crap out of me again. WESS Look kid we don’t have your fucking dog. So if you don’t mind… Pablo grabs Wess by the arms and pulls him aside. PABLO What the fuck is wrong with you? Does being a child actor make you a spoiled little prick or what? Have some goddamn sensitivity? WESS Let go of me.

Pablo lets go of Wess. DANNY Do you really wanna know where you dog is? YOUNG CHILD Yes very much so indeed. DANNY (Hesitant) I don’t know how to say this but, he, he was killed. We found ‘im on the road -- squished flat as a pancake. We felt sorry for him. So we buried him in a nearby barn. You can visit him if you want. We have the directions. The Young Child is dumbfounded. He flies into a rage. YOUNG CHILD WHAT THE FUCK! The Young Child starts hitting Danny. YOUNG CHILD You murdering prick! Danny covers himself with his hands and arms as the Young Child weakly beats him. A fist accidentally lands on Danny’s nose. The Young Child pauses. Danny steps back and wipes the blood off his face, looking in disbelief. DANNY You fucking son of a bitch! Danny grabs the Young Child and throws him on the ground. He tries kicking him but Casey and Henry hold him back. HENRY Calm down goddamn it! He’s just a kid! Danny stops. The kid gets up onto his bike and fearfully rides away. WESS That was not cool man. DANNY What the fuck was I supposed to do huh? He hit me.

EEMON What not man enough to take a couple hits from a little kid? DANNY He accused me of murdering his dog! EEMON He was obviously confused and angry. You didn’t hafta throw him on the ground. DANNY Oh like you wouldn’t! EEMON I wouldn’t. DANNY (Angrily) Oh really! EEMON (Angrily) Rea-fucking-lly! DANNY You Scottish mother fucker! EEMON Scottish!? Eemon and Danny draw back their fists. Henry and Wesley, respectively, hold them back. WESS (To Danny) Don’t do it man! He’s not worth it! HENRY (Whispering to Eemon) I’m gonna let you go in two fucking seconds. And I want you to bang on that mother fucker like a pair o’ bongos. Okay? One…two… Casey steps between Eemon and Danny. CASEY

KNOCK IT OFF MOTHER FUCKERS! Everyone quiets down and stops what they’re doing. CASEY Look! The kid probably deserved a beating. But since he lost his dog and he’s young, you have to give him a little leeway. So in other words –- you were both fucking wrong. So let’s just drop this fucking bullshit. Okay? Eemon and Danny stare angrily at each other. CASEY Now shake hands. Eemon and Danny shake hands. CASEY So can we focus on the task at hand or what? PABLO Right -- Matt’s house. INT. HIGH SCHOOL, CAFETERIA – DAY JO the big Italian, JARED the greasy Italian and Roy the small Asian are eating lunch at a blue rectangular table, “alone.” JO (Bites Into Pizza) So the other day I’m corn holing this dame right and she turns around and says… ROY Jo I’m trying to eat here. JO What I can’t tell a story. ROY Yeah you can but not while I’m eating. JARED Fuck, finish the story ah.

JO Yeah so she turns around and says… Roy glares at Jo and shakes his head. JO You know what never mind. JARED Fuck I hate when people do that. JO Do what? JARED Tell stories and not finish them. I mean for fuck sake if you begin fucking finish. JO I would if not for the fact Roy were not being a little fag face. ROY Speaking of fags, does anybody know where Danny is? JO Uh, I think he went to the mall to get some smokes. ROY I didn’t know he smoked. JO Who the fuck doesn’t smoke? ROY Henry? JO Henry? That weird fuck? He don’t count. JARED He’s not a weird fuck. He’s just a little HOO-HA! JO HOO-HA?

JARED HOO…HA. JO I think we should go looking for him. ROY And skip art class? Fuck you guys. JARED The teacher’s got one arm. How much art could she teach? ROY I don’t go to art class to stare at the teacher’s stub. I go to draw and to steal clay to make little figurines. That’s it. JO Well Roy that sounds like a helluva time! Hey do you think I could come to your class and watch the stripper jump outta the cake? Roy glares at Jo. EXT. ALONG 14TH AVENUE – DAY Pablo, Eemon, Henry, Casey, Danny and Wess are still walking, journeying over to Matt’s house. HENRY Hey guys do you think we can stop for a minute and take a break? My feet are killing me. PABLO We’re almost there. HENRY Just one minute. PABLO No. HENRY Please? PABLO No!

EEMON For fuck sake Pablo just let him rest for one fucking minute. PABLO (Grumbles) Fine! The Boys sit down on the curbside. They sweat precariously under the hot sun. WESS (Wipes Forehead) It’s fucking hot. And I’m from the goddamn Philippines. PABLO Don’t worry. Matt’s house has air conditioning. DANNY What is the big deal with this Matt character anyway? What is he the fucking Pope? (Wipes Forehead) PABLO No, but he is rich. DANNY Rich, how rich? PABLO George Lucas rich. DANNY Get the fuck outta here! EEMON No he’s serious. This kid is one spoilt SOB. DANNY Really? CASEY Yeah. DANNY Does he have a monkey?

PABLO What? Why the fuck would he have a monkey? DANNY I dunno. Michael Jackson has one –- he’s rich. PABLO I said he was rich Danny. I didn’t say he liked little kids. HENRY Oh how original picking on Michael Jackson! You’re a regular fucking George Carlin aren’t you, Pablo? PABLO Shut up Henry. A white van drives up to the curb. The window rolls down. A FAT old MAN sticks his head out the window. FAT MAN (Southern USA Accent) Boy it’s mighty hot out here ain’t it? The Boys look up. PABLO Who the hell are you and what do you want? FAT MAN Nothin’ -- just wonderin’ what you were doin’ out here in such hot weather. CASEY What does it look like we’re doing? We’re sitting. FAT MAN Oh okay…hey you boys want a ride? PABLO Not with you we don’t. FAT MAN Oh come on now. I’m completely harmless. PABLO No offense but we really don’t want a ride in your rape van. FAT MAN

How dare you insult me like that! I am a god fearing Christian! I would never touch anyone in an impure manner! PABLO Ch’yah, right. FAT MAN Okay but I have Dr. Pepper. PABLO (Perks Up) Dr. Pepper? FAT MAN That’s right! Dr. Pepper! PABLO Well -- okay. But only if everyone else can come along too. FAT MAN Of course, of course, there’s plenty o’ space. EEMON (Whispering to Pablo) I don’t think this is such a good idea. PABLO (Whispering) There are six of us. What’s he gonna do? Pablo and the Boys stand up. PABLO (Points to Fat Man) You better have Dr. Pepper. FAT MAN It’s in the back just go on in and we’ll take off. The Boys hesitantly get into the Van. The Fat Man smirks and steps on the gas pedal. EXT/INT. ALONG 14th AVENUE, WHITE VAN -DAY The Boys sit in the back of the Van, quietly drinking their Dr. Pepper soda. FAT MAN

You boys alright back there? Wess nods his head. WESS Mm hmm. FAT MAN So uh, how old are you kids again? (Looks in Rearview Mirror) EEMON Well I’m 15. But I’m a year older than everyone else here. FAT MAN So you’re like the leader then right? EEMON Nah, that’s not how we operate. But uh even if it were, I am kinda lazy, so it definitely wouldn’t be me. FAT MAN Hmm…you know when I was a kid I didn’t have much friends. It’s kinda nice that you guys are all buddies and what not. PABLO We’re not all buddies. (Glares at Dennis and Wesley) FAT MAN Well that’s a shame. You guys look good together. You really do. PABLO Uh thanks? The Van turns onto a deserted road. EXT/INT. DESERTED ROAD, WHITE VAN - DAY PABLO Uh, I think you took a wrong turn. FAT MAN Oh uh, I have to do somethin’ real quick. You don’t mind do you? PABLO

No I guess it’s alright. FAT MAN Good. The Fat Man presses on the brakes. He turns around to face the Boys. FAT MAN Can I ask you boys a question? PABLO Shoot. FAT MAN I wanna suck yo’ dicks. PABLO Wha’? EEMON That’s not a question. FAT MAN Come on you guys! I gave you Dr. Pepper! You owe me! HENRY Holy shit. CASEY Okay I’ll suck your dick. The Boys look at Casey in astonishment. FAT MAN Really? No foolin’? CASEY No foolin’ -- but on one condition. We have to do it outside. FAT MAN Outside? Why outside? CASEY Come on, it’s way too cramped in here for a proper blow job.

The Fat Man cracks an awkward grin and giggles like a little school girl. EXT. DESERTED ROAD, OUTSIDE WHITE VAN - DAY Casey and the Fat Man get out of the white van. They walk to a secluded area. INT. DESERTED ROAD, INSIDE WHITE VAN – DAY The Boys look out the window. HENRY Holy shit he’s gonna take one for the team -- in the fucking mouth. PABLO I have to admit, the man’s got balls. (Looks Out Window) In his fucking mouth?! EXT. DESERTED ROAD, OUTSIDE WHITE VAN - DAY Casey is on his knees. The Fat Man pulls down his pants. FAT MAN No teeth. CASEY (Looks Up) Do you want me to suck yah dick or not? FAT MAN I-I’m sorry. CASEY Now close your eyes. FAT MAN Why? CASEY Forgive me for being a little self conscious, but I just can’t do it if you have your eyes open. FAT MAN Okay but no funny business.

(Closes Eyes) Casey reaches into his pocket and takes out a pair of brass knuckles. He puts them on. CASEY Okay cowboy I’m ready! FAT MAN (Smiling) I’m ready too! The Fat Man puts his hands on his head and leans back. Casey uppercuts the Fat Man in his balls. The Fat Man wrenches over in pain. Casey hits him again…and again, and again, and again. CASEY You perverted mother fucker! (Kicking Fat Man’s Ribs) The Fat Man is writhing in pain on the ground. Casey kicks him in the head. The Fat Man is knocked out cold. Casey walks back to the Van and gets inside. INT. DESERTED ROAD, INSIDE WHITE VAN – DAY Casey sits in the driver’s seat. He takes off his brass knuckles and tosses them on the floor. He grabs the wheel. PABLO What the fuck was that? CASEY You didn’t see nothin’. DANNY But you just… CASEY YOU DIDN’T SEE NOTHIN’. The Boys seclude into the back of the Van. Danny nervously takes a sip of his Dr. Pepper. Casey presses the gas pedal and drives.

EXT. OUTSIDE SCHOOL – DAY Big Jo, Jared, and Roy are by the traffic lights out by the school. They wait the light to turn green. There is a FOREIGN looking MAN on the other side selling hotdogs. The light turns green. Jo, Roy and Jared cross the street. They walk down the sidewalk. The Foreign Man, a hot dog vendor, tries to sell them dogs. FOREIGN MAN (Unknown European Accent) Hot dog! Jo, Roy and Jared pause. They look over at the vendor. JO Huh? FOREIGN MAN Ah hot dog. You want a hot dog. JO Is it free? FOREIGN MAN One hot dog. Two dollars. JO I don’t have two dollars. FOREIGN MAN Okay. Half hot dog. One dollar. JO I don’t want half a hot dog. FOREIGN MAN Okay. I give you best price. Only because I like you. One hot dog, one dollar ninety nine cent. JO That’s it? One cent? FOREIGN MAN In my country one cent a lot of money. One cent buy two hooker. No sorry, now is two cent.

JO Where did you say you were from again? FOREIGN MAN Country is neighbor to Armenia. Except much better. Prostitute not fat. Very skinny, big boob. JO Interesting… FOREIGN MAN So hot dog? One hot dog yeah? JO Uh, sure. (To Roy and Jared) Sooooo… JARED Alright we’ll give you the money. Jared and Roy give Jo $2.00 worth of change. Jo saunters over to the hot dog vendor and gives him the money. The Foreign Man takes the payment and grills a hot dog for Jo. Jo takes the hot dog and sloppily tops it. He goes back over to Roy and Jared. Jo takes a bite of his Hotdog. ROY How’s the hot dog? JO Mm, so good. (Takes Another Bite) JARED What would you do for another hot dog? JO What would I do for another hot dog? What’re you the fucking Klondike salesman? JARED

Jo. I will buy you another hot dog, if you run down the street butt naked. JO What am I a fuckin’ prostitute? I ain’t streakin’ for no fuckin’ hot dog. JARED You drive a hard bargain Jo -- alright two hot dogs. No, three hot dogs. EXT. STREET OUTSIDE SCHOOL – DAY Jo is running down the street naked screaming like a madman. Roy and Jared watch while sipping their sodas with their long white straws. ROY It doesn’t take much to motivate him does it? JARED No Roy it doesn’t. ROY I know you asked him to run down the street nude, but why is he screaming? JARED I have no clue. Just enjoy the show. The two continue to watch. An OLD LADY stops and gawks in horror. Jo flails his gut around her and screams at the woman. She clutches her chest and falls to the ground. Jo continues streaking. Roy takes a long sip of his soda. EXT/INT. UNKNOWN ROAD, WHITE VAN – Day In the van Casey is at the wheel. Pablo is upfront in the seat beside and the rest of the Boys are in the back, Danny, Wess, Henry, and Eemon. Casey seems to be lost. PABLO Casey? CASEY Yeah?

PABLO Where the hell are we? CASEY No fucking clue. PABLO But you said you knew where you were going. CASEY Ah stop worrying. PABLO We’re in the middle of nowhere. How the hell are we gonna get to Matt’s? We are fucking lost! CASEY We’re not lost! This is just a scenic detour. PABLO Okay then where the hell’s the scenery? Because I don’t see shit! CASEY See that bush? Casey points out the window. Pablo looks at the tiny shrub. CASEY Fucking scenery. Pablo points to his crotch. PABLO See my balls? Suck ‘em. CASEY Oh fuck you. PABLO Stop the van. CASEY What? PABLO Stop the fucking van!

Casey stops the van. He turns the key and shuts off the vehicle. PABLO Switch seats. CASEY What? PABLO Are you having an earwax problem? Switch seats! Casey and Pablo switch seats. Pablo is now behind the wheel. CASEY You can’t drive. PABLO How do you know? CASEY You couldn’t even drive a bumper car in Wonderland. PABLO The wheel was stuck! Some fucking kid put gum in it! What the fuck was I supposed to do huh? The ride went for a full fucking minute! It wasn’t my fault man! HENRY Sure… PABLO Shut up Henry! Henry frowns. PABLO Now -- let’s ride! Pablo turns the key. The ignition doesn’t work. The van makes a sputtering noise and fails to start. PABLO Goddamn it! Pablo turns the key again. The van doesn’t start.

PABLO Fuck! HENRY This woulda never happened if Casey were driving. PABLO Shut the hell up Henry! Henry scowls and folds his arms. Casey looks in the right side rearview mirror. He sees a cop car. CASEY Oh shit. PABLO What? Pablo looks into the left side rearview mirror. He also sees the cop car. PABLO Aw fuck. Pablo sits up straight and puts his hands on the wheel. The OFFICER parks his squad car behind and gets out. He walks over to the van. He taps on the left side window by Pablo. Pablo obliges and nervously rolls down the window. OFFICER (Monotonous Voice) License and registration please. PABLO Um… OFFICER License and registration please. PABLO Here’s the thing officer… OFFICER License and registration please. PABLO

Um… OFFICER Do you know how fast you were goin’? Pablo looks over to Casey for help. Casey shrugs. Pablo turns back to the Officer. PABLO 50? OFFICER 50? You gotta be shitting me. PABLO I assure you I am not shitting you. OFFICER You were goin’ 55. That’s five over mister. A full ten percent. Do you know how much ten percent is? PABLO Uh not that much? OFFICER Wise guy eh? Why I ought a... The Officer half heartedly raises his hand, Three Stooges Style. OFFICER (Places Hand Down) Just kidding with you. Seriously though, license and registration please. PABLO (Nervously) I… Eemon sticks his head forward. EEMON (To Officer) You know Officer it’s extremely disappointing my friend forgot his license and registration, especially considering his uncle is a cop. I find it disturbing and am acutely ashamed of his specious irresponsibility. Ted, don’t embarrass your uncle. Next time please be responsible.

OFFICER Now, now, don’t come down too hard on the fella. I’m sure it was just a mistake. PABLO I’m terribly sorry Officer. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you? OFFICER Actually –The Officer takes out a photo. It is a picture of the FAT MAN that the Boys met with earlier; the person from whom they obtained the white van. OFFICER (Holding Photo) This patient here escaped from the mental institution earlier today. If you have any information to his whereabouts, that would be great. We’ve been looking for him all day long. PABLO Oh really? OFFICER Yup. PABLO He looks kinda scary doesn’t he? OFFICER There’s no need to worry. He’s relatively harmless. The things he says and does are just nonsensical ravings. He wouldn’t harm a fly. PABLO Are you sure about that? OFFICER Positive. PABLO Is it really such a big deal that he’s running around loose? Shouldn’t he be given freedom like the rest of us?

OFFICER Normally yes. But this is no regular mental patient. He’s the mayor’s brother and the mayor don’t want him runnin’ around and causin’ embarrassment. PABLO I don’t think he’ll have to worry about that. OFFICER Oh but he does. The mayor is up for reelection very soon and anything to damage his campaign could cost him the win. That my friend is something to worry about. PABLO Can we go now? OFFICER Huh? Uh sure. Just be careful. PABLO Of course. I wouldn’t wanna embarrass my uncle. He’s a cop too. The Officer leaves. He gets into his car and drives away. PABLO Holy shit you guys. We are in deep doo-doo! WESS Yes it appears we are in deep doo-doo. DANNY What do we do? CASEY Do? There’s nothing to do. He’s dead and that’s all there is to it.

EEMON Casey! We just killed a man. We are in deep shit. We are beyond deep doo-doo! We are in clood and fucking blum! WESS Oh God! I’m gonna be anally raped in jail aren’t I?

HENRY And don’t forget tossing the salad either. That’s an integral part of the prison experience. CASEY Nobody is going to prison alright! My uncle is in the “waste management business” he will get rid of the body. I just have to tell him the location. PABLO Are you sure? CASEY Positive. PABLO (Sighs) Alright man I trust you. CASEY Now can we get going? I really wanna play Crash Bandicoot. Oh that fucking bandicoot! Pablo nods solemnly. He turns the van’s keys. The van starts up. Pablo smiles. He steps on the gas and the boys continue their journey to Matt’s. EXT. TIM HORTON’S PARKING LOT – DAY Roy, Jo and Jared are in the Tim Horton’s parking lot. They are sitting on top of a brick fence. Roy is drinking tea. Jo is eating a box of Tim Bits and Jared is eating a bagel. ROY Correct me if I’m wrong but aren’t we supposed to be at the mall? JO Why the fuck would we be at the mall? JARED Remember we’re looking for Danny? JO Who the fuck is Danny? JARED

Chen. JO Oh yeah. ROY So are we gonna go to the mall or what? JO I dunno. I don’t think he’s there anymore. He’s probably at home jackin’ off to Dot Matrix or somethin’. ROY You mean that computer show. With Bob and Enzo and what not? JO Yeah. That show is fucked. Who the hell wants to watch computer generated animation anyway? That technology is going nowhere. JARED I’m sorry Jo I have to disagree. As an artist I really see that technology as the future of movies and television. It is very pioneering. JO Says you! JARED I bet in ten years there will be no more actors and no more actresses. They will all be computer animated! Can you imagine that? No more people! JO Get your head outta your ass, Jared. That’s not gonna happen. ROY And how do you know? JO I know because –- shut the hell up Roy. ROY This conversation is going nowhere. That’s it! RESET! Roy gets off the wall, walks away and returns.

ROY Hey guys what’s up? JO Get the fuck outta here! Jo throws a Tim Bit at Roy’s head. ROY You fucker! Roy pushes Jo off the brick fence/wall. Jared takes a bite of his bagel. EXT. MATT’S HOUSE – DAY The white van rolls into Matt’s driveway. Casey and Pablo get out the van, followed by Henry, Danny, Wess, and Eemon. They look up at the enormous McMansion. EEMON (Irish Accent) Jaysus foockin’ Christ! HENRY It’s beautiful. PABLO (Annoyed) Come on! The Boys go into the front area of the mansion. Pablo RINGS the DOORBELL. CASEY This is gonna be so sweet. The Boys wait for an answer. Pablo becomes impatient. PABLO What the fuck is taking so long? Danny looks into the window and sees a shadowy figure approaching. DANNY I see someone.

The front entrance door swings open. A frumpy looking woman appears, Matt’s mom. She is wearing a fluffy pink robe. PABLO Is Matt home? MATT’S MOM No. He’s at school. PABLO What? FUCK! MATT’S MOM I know, pretty strange huh? PABLO This isn’t like him at all. He hates school. MATT’S MOM Oh shit. You know what it is. It’s his girlfriend. PABLO Are you talking about that lil’ fat red head he always hangs out with? MATT’S MOM Yeah he asked her out. CASEY Man got some balls last summer. PABLO Well…I guess that’s it, Matt’s not home. MATT’S MOM You can still come in and play with his toys if you want. PABLO Are you serious? MATT’S MOM Yeah. It would be a nice surprise to see all his friends here when he comes home from school. PABLO

Okay! On your insistence Miss. Morrarow we’ll come in. MATT’S MOM Great. His room is upstairs… (Points) Uh, the very last one at the end of the hall. You know where it is right Pablo? PABLO Of course. (Smirks) Pablo, Casey, Danny, Wess, Eemon, and Henry enter Matt’s house. INT. MATT’S HOUSE, HALLWAY – DAY Pablo leads the way down the hallway with Casey, Danny, Wess, Eemon and Henry following behind. EEMON How fucking long is this hallway? PABLO It’s not that long. EEMON Jesus Christ, get me a fucking Segway. PABLO Eemon you’re the tallest one here. You of all people should have the least problem walking. EEMON Well apparently I don’t. PABLO Ah stop your whining. We’re almost there. The Group stops walking. They are at the end of the hall. Before them are two large double doors. Pablo opens the doors to the room. The Boys are awestruck at the extreme lavishness. HENRY By the power of Greyskull! DANNY

What? HENRY I mean -- HOLY SHIT! EXT. MATT’S HOUSE – DAY A luxurious looking car enters the driveway. A tawdry round brunette teenager waddles out the vehicle (Matt). He goes to the other side and opens the door. There is fat REDHEAD girl sitting down. Matt gives the Redhead (his girlfriend) a hand and helps her out. He closes the door. They waddle over to the front entrance. Matt opens the door and enters his home. INT. MATT’S HOUSE, MAIN FOYER – DAY Matt enters the main foyer. He shuts the door behind him and walks through the mansion holding his girlfriend’s hand. MATT Ma! Are you home? I have someone here I want you to meet! (Looks Around, Scratches Head) Uh I guess nobody’s home. Hey wanna see my bedroom? The Redhead looks wide-eyed at Matt. MATT Don’t worry I’ll be gentle. Matt touches his girlfriend’s arm. Her wide-eyed expression remains.

INT. MATT’S HOUSE, HALLWAY – DAY Matt and his girlfriend Redhead are just outside Matt’s Bedroom, by the door. Matt hears faint noise and murmuring. He looks through the double doors which have been left open a crack. We see the Boys’ figures with their backs staring toward us. Matt steps back in shock, not aware of who they are. MATT

(Whispering) I think we’re being robbed. Call the cops. The Redhead takes out a big blocky cell phone. She dials 911 and puts the phone to her ear. The call fails to go through. Matt looks at his girlfriend for confirmation, she shakes her head, no. MATT (Annoyed) Gimme the phone. Matt takes the phone from Redhead and dials 911. His call too fails to go through. He looks at the screen, “Weak Signal.” MATT Weak signal! Fuck! Matt hurls the cell phone onto the floor. It makes a loud SMASH noise. INT. MATT’S HOUSE, MATT’S BEDROOM – DAY The Boys pause from playing video games and turn their heads toward the loud smash noise. PABLO (Whispering) What was that? DANNY Niggers! PABLO Shut the fuck up Danny. Casey go check it out. CASEY Why me? PABLO Did you not kill that retard earlier today? CASEY Ugh, fine, whatever.

Casey walks slowly toward the door(s). The Boys watch with anxiety and anticipation as he reaches for the handle. The door suddenly kicks open. Matt throws a football. MATT Take that you cock sucking robber! The point of the ball hits Casey squarely between the balls -- causing him to fall down in pain. Matt makes eye contact with Pablo. MATT Pablo? PABLO Hey. MATT Who the fuck did I just throw a football at? PABLO Matt meet Casey. Casey meet Matt. HENRY Why did you hit him in the groin with a football? MATT I thought he was a robber. WESS What’re you an idiot? Does he look like a robber? MATT (To Casey) Uh hey I’m really sorry dude. It was a total accident. Casey slowly gets up. He groans as he gets to his feet. Matt begins to giggle. CASEY What the fuck is so funny? MATT Hey remember that episode of “The Simpsons” where Homer becomes a movie critic? CASEY Yeah?

MATT Well one of the movies he watches is “Football in the Groin.” And I was just laughin’ you know because it’s kinda funny how fiction you know sometimes parallels real life -it’s funny isn’t it? CASEY I don’t find it funny. MATT Course not I just lobbed a football at your nuts. CASEY Well since it was an accident I’ll let it slide -- but don’t do it again. MATT What am I an asshole? CASEY I don’t know. MATT Are you angry? Please don’t be angry. Anger is so ugly. CASEY I’m not angry. I’m just in a bit of pain. MATT Pick up the football. Casey What? MATT Pick up the football and throw it at my groin. Then we’ll be even. CASEY Are you kidding? Do you know how much this is gonna hurt? MATT I just want us to be cool. Pick up the football. Casey bends down and picks up the football. CASEY

Are you sure about this? MATT Just throw the ball. Casey pulls his arm back and launches the football at Matt’s groin; however Matt catches the ball between his legs. MATT Pretty neat trick huh? Matt grabs the football and again, attacks Casey’s baby makers. Casey drops to the floor and writhes in pain. HENRY Not cool. Matt laughs. MATT (To Casey) You dumb fuck! Did you really think I was gonna let you hit me in the balls? Casey gets up. Henry and Wess stand as well. The three join together and form a triangle. They stare angrily at Matt. Suddenly Henry and Wess lunge toward Matt. They grab his legs and spread them wide open on the floor. Casey stomps on Matt’s crotch. CASEY You! (Stomp) Mother! (Stomp) Fucker! (Stomp) MATT Aghhh no! No! No! No! Casey continues his attack while Matt cries out for his balls. Tears stream down his cheeks. His girlfriend Redhead watches silently in horror. MATT I’m sorry! I’m sorry!

Casey stops stomping on Matt’s crotch. Henry and Wess let go of his legs. Matt curls up in a ball and cries like a little girl. MATT Oooooooooh! PABLO I think we should go now. EXT. MATT’S HOUSE - DAY The Boys hastily leave Matt’s house and get into the van. They quickly drive off. INT. SPECIFIC MALL - DAY Roy, Jared, and Jo walk through the mall. They head toward the music store. Jared takes out a cigarette from behind his ear and puts it in his mouth. He takes out a Zippo from his pocket and coolly lights his cigarette. He takes a toke and blows out a ring of smoke. INT. SPECIFIC MALL, MUSIC STORE - DAY Roy, Jared and Jo enter the music store. They head to the “Rock & Roll” section where they thumb through various CDs. A CLERK sees Jared smoking from behind the counter. She walks over to him and taps him on the shoulder. Jared turns around. CLERK You can’t smoke that in here. Jared takes the cigarette out his mouth. JARED Yes I can. CLERK No you can’t JARED …Oh really?

Jared takes a heavy drag from his cigarette and blows it in the Clerk’s face. JARED Did you see that? Did you see all that smoking I was doing? How is that possible? I thought you said I couldn’t smoke in here! CLERK (Angry) I didn’t mean it literally. Jared wistfully gazes into the Clerk’s eyes. JARED …God you’re pretty. CLERK Really? JARED Yeah, fuckin’ A! Jo and Roy roll their eyes. CLERK Well then that changes everything. Hey I know how about we go behind the counter and you can fuck me up the ass? JARED Really? CLERK NO! Now put out the cigarette before I rip your balls off you wop dago mother fucker! Jared winces at the Clerk and snuffs out the cigarette on his tongue. The Clerk is disgusted; she leaves and returns to her post. Roy and Jo busy themselves looking at CDs. Jared looks over his shoulder, left and right. He looks suspicious. He zips down his jacket and slips a CD into his inner pocket, HUEY LEWIS AND THE NEWS. Jared whispers to Jo. JARED

Hey Jo I gotta go to the washroom. I’ll be back in a couple minutes alright. Jo nods his head. Jared walks toward the exit. As he does we see Jo in the background picking up an ALANIS MORISETTE CD. He shows it to Roy. “Would you fuck it?” we hear him mumble. Roy shakes his head, no. Jared gets to the exit, the front of the store. He is met by four security guards who block his way. GUARD Excuse me would you mind opening your jacket? Jo and Roy look at the front of the store. They watch Jared arguing with the security guards. The heated exchange is inaudible. Jo and Roy join Jared and the security guards at the entrance. JARED Fuck you assholes! Okay! Fuck you! JO Dude what’re you doing? JARED These mother fuckers think I stole a CD! Me! Jared fucking Kulari! JO Well did you?

JARED Are we friends? JO Uh, yeah. JARED Well how about some benefit of the fucking doubt?! ROY

Jesus Christ Jared if you didn’t steal the CD just let them look in your fucking jacket. JARED No. No. Fucking no! JO Why are you being so stubborn? JARED Forgive me for having principles alright! But I think a mall should be a safe place for consumers. You shouldn’t have to worry about getting interrogated or accosted. Jesus Christ does anybody care anymore? Does anybody fucking care? Jared rushes past the guards. JARED Get the fuck outta my way! As Jared is walking the Huey Lewis & The News CD falls out his jacket. It cracks on the floor. Jared turns around. The security guards tackle him to the ground and puts cuffs on his wrists. They drag him away. JARED Help! Jo and Roy sheepishly watch Jared being taken away. INT. SPECIFIC MALL – DAY Pablo, Henry, Eemon, Casey, Wess and Danny are ambling through the mall when they bump into Roy and Jo. PABLO Why if it isn’t Roy and Jo! What’s new mother fuckers? ROY Do we really have to begin all our conversations with profanity? PABLO Fuck yes, fuck yes. So what the fuck is up with you guys? JO

Shit. PABLO Shit, shit, whaddya mean shit? JO Jared. They took ‘im away. PABLO Well then -- you know what we have to do. JO As a Roman Catholic I will have to refuse. PABLO Now is not the time for religion Jo. We are at war. JO This is insanity. PABLO This is Markham! We live on insanity! JO For Markham? Everyone cheers, “FOR MARKHAM!” HENRY Yabba-Dabba-Doo! All glare at Henry. HENRY What? Oh fuck you guys. INT. SPECIFIC MALL, UNDERGROUND PARKING – DAY Danny and Wess watch out for security guards together, while Roy, Jo, Henry, Eemon, Casey and Pablo spray paint the walls with red. Roy spray paints a Japanese girl, Jo a dick, Eemon a pair of breasts, Casey the middle finger and Pablo the word “Tits.” Henry however cannot get his spray paint can to work; he shakes it fervently, it seems to be empty.

HENRY You mother fuckers gave me an empty paint can didn’t you? PABLO Yabba-Dabba-Doo! Henry angrily chucks the spray paint can on the ground. He huffs and leans against the wall. He folds his arms. The Boys finish painting and step back to look at their, “Works of art.” CASEY Now that’s art. ROY This is for you Jared. Fuckin’ A! As the Boys obliviously stare at their vandalism an ENORMOUS security GUARD sneaks up behind Danny and Wess. He grabs the two around the mouth. ENORMOUS GUARD (Whispers) Don’t move. Danny pulls down the Enormous Guard’s arm. DANNY (Flailing Arms) OINKERS! The other Boys look back. The Enormous security Guard grabs Danny and Wess by the heads and slams them to the ground. He presses down on the back of their heads and stares menacingly. Wesley turns his head to the side. WESS What the fuck are you waiting for?! RUN! A myriad of security guards pour out from behind the pillars. The Boys drop their canisters and dash. The security guards follow suit. As the Boys run Eemon suggests they split up. EEMON Split up!

Pablo, Henry, Eemon, Casey, Roy and Jo split up. INT. UNDERGROUND PARKING, SECTION A – DAY Casey runs behind a pillar and hides. He nervously adjusts his baseball cap. The Security Guard takes out his flashlight and suspiciously shines it around. He comes closer and closer to Casey’s pillar. Casey balls up his hand into a fist. The Security Guard appears. Casey head butts him in the face and knocks him up. Two other Security Guards spot him. Casey runs away. INT. UNDERGROUND PARKING, SECTION B – DAY Roy is hiding under a truck. He watches the feet of the security guards go by. One Security Guard decides to take a rest and leans on the very truck where Roy is hiding. NAMELESS GUARD (OS) Hey aren’t you coming? LEANING GUARD (OS) No. Go on without me. (Panting) I need to rest. These goddamn kids are like fucking rats. NAMELESS GUARD (OS) Alright -- but it’s not gonna look good on your resume. LEANING GUARD (OS) Yeah whatever.

The other Security Guards leave. Roy is offended at the “rat” comment. He takes out his lighter and lights the Security Guard’s pants on fire. The Security Guard looks down at his pant leg. LEANING GUARD Huh? The flame spreads upward. The Security Guard screams in panic. He drops to the floor and rolls around. When the flame is extinguished he looks under the truck. Roy has disappeared.

INT. UNDERGROUND PARKING, SECTION C – DAY Jo is hiding in the back seat of a car. We see the Security Guards in the rearview mirror. One of them spies Jo’s belly sticking out. He beckons the other guard to follow him. The two push the car from the back. Jo is panicked. The car goes rolling and smashes into another vehicle. INT. UNDERGROUND PARKING, SECTION D – DAY Henry is being chased by a Security Guard. He is nearly out the parking lot. He looks back at the racing guard and neglects to notice the car in front of him. Henry gets hit. He rolls over onto the ground, half conscious. EXT. SPECIFIC MALL, OUTSIDE PARKING LOT – DAY While on the run Pablo and Eemon meet up outside. PABLO (Panting) I swear these fucking security guards are on steroids. EEMON Don’t you worry I’ve got it under control. Eemon stops running. Pablo tries to pull him away. PABLO What’re you doing?! Come on let’s go! They’re coming! Eemon brushes Pablo aside. EEMON Shh! The two face the barrage security guards. Eemon takes out a can of root beer from his pocket and opens it with his teeth. He takes a swig and whips it to the ground; it rolls underneath the foot of one of the guards and causes a domino effect. They all topple over. Pablo is surprised. PABLO You got a banana peel?

EEMON All out. PABLO Then let’s get the fuck outta here. Pablo and Eemon escape. EXT. HILLIKEN HILLS - DAY Pablo and Eemon run up a large flat hill. They collapse on the ground from exhaustion and roll on their backs. EEMON Jaysus Christ! Pablo takes out a cigarette and smokes. EEMON Next time you have an idea Pablo shut the fuck up and keep it tah yourself will yah? PABLO Say what you will about me Irishman but the plan was solid. EEMON Solid as a pint of Scottish Guinness! PABLO Don’t even go there. EEMON Look you had a dumb plan, ad-fucking-mit it! PABLO It was a good plan! The only way something could have gone wrong is if it were a... (Pauses) EEMON Were a what? PABLO A set-up! EEMON

No fucking way. PABLO I’m serious. Somebody set us up. EEMON Why would anyone want to set us up? PABLO Hate? Spite? Jealousy? Envy? EEMON Fine if it was a set-up then, who did it? Who was the weasel? PABLO …Uh, you? EEMON (Annoyed) Me?! Are you outta your fucking mind! PABLO Alright calm down! Relax. I’m just guessing. EEMON Well guess fuckin’ better. PABLO …So who do you think did it? EEMON Casey? PABLO Are you kidding me? Casey? Casey is like a dog man. And I don’t mean that in an insulting manner, I mean he’s fucking loyal. EEMON Dogs do have a tendency to bite. PABLO I know but it’s not Casey -- If I had to say who it was, honestly -- I think it’s gotta Danny or Wess. I mean we

hardly even know those fucks. They gotta have something up their sleeves. EEMON It can’t be them. We saw them get fucked over by the Oinks. Why would they sabotage themselves like that, huh? Tell me! Why? PABLO Well why did they volunteer to be lookouts? Who the fuck wants to be a lookout? EEMON Maybe they didn’t wanna be petty criminals. Maybe they were scared. Maybe who the fuck knows? PABLO Only God. EEMON What does God hafta do with anything? PABLO I really don’t know. A RINGING noise. Pablo reaches into his pocket and pulls out a clunky cell phone. He answers the call. PABLO (On Phone) Yo! SPLIT SCREEN: On the left is Roy in a telephone booth near a McRonald’s restaurant. His black wallet is resting on top of the phone. On the right is Pablo, lying down on Hilliken Hills, with Eemon beside, playing a video game (Super Mario Land for Gameboy). ROY Bad news -- Jo is dead. PABLO (Sits Up) Dead?

ROY Dead, dead. The oinks whacked him off. No more fuckin’ Jo. Pablo is visibly upset. His eyes well up and his face turns red. PABLO What about the others? ROY I don’t know PABLO Fuck. ROY So should we meet up or what? PABLO Yeah. ROY Where? PABLO (Thinking) Uh fuck…Peckers. ROY Peckers -- the convenience store right? PABLO Yeah. ROY Alright Peckers it is. Roy hangs up the phone. END OF SPLIT SCREEN Pablo hangs up his cell phone. EXT. PECKER’S CONVENIENCE – DAY Pablo and Eemon meet up with Roy outside Pecker’s convenience. There are three kids inside shopping for

drinks and snacks. Outside the store are three unlocked bikes leaning against the window. PABLO Roy. ROY Pablo. Eemon clears his throat. ROY Eemon. PABLO Roy do you know what time it is? Roy looks at his watch, 3:30PM. ROY Half past three. PABLO No Roy! It’s time to take back Markham. ROY Huh? PABLO When my parents first came here it was free of gooks, chinks, pakis and niggers. Now? Now you can’t even walk down the damn street without running into a fucking rainbow! And why the fuck do you think that is? ROY (Annoyed) I don’t know Pablo, why don’t you tell me. PABLO Wait. Aren’t you Asian? ROY Yes I am asshole thanks for noticing. PABLO Okay I take back everything I said. Look the point is there are too many security guards. The oink union is bogging us

down. We have nowhere left to run; we have nowhere left to hide. We have to do something. We have to take back Markham! Pablo! I’ve never real dick head. I involved in all into trouble!

ROY told you this before but I think you’re a mean for fuck sake why are you getting us this bullshit? You’re always getting us You mixed breed Welsh mother fucker. PABLO (To Eemon) Are you hearing this?

EEMON I’m sorry Pablo but I have to say I kinda agree. PABLO WHAT! EEMON I FUCKING AGREE. PABLO So now I know who the rats are -- you two. ROY What the fuck does Bono have to do with this? PABLO Not the band you asshole. ROY Don’t call me an asshole! PABLO Who the fuck do you think you are? I can call you whatever the fuck I want! Sugar tits! ROY Okay you’re really getting on my nerves Pablo. PABLO Yeah? Pablo pushes Roy. ROY (Angry)

Don’t push me! Pablo pushes Roy. foot. Pablo holds steals one of the off. Pablo steals

Roy glares at Pablo. He stamps on his his leg and reels back from the pain. Roy bikes leaning on the window and takes one as well and follows after Roy. EEMON Aw kife.

Eemon steals the last bike and follows along. The three kids from inside the convenience store run outside in horror. They look at the empty spot where their bikes used to be. One of the kids drops his slushie on the ground and cries. EXT. RISEBOROUGH CIRCUIT – DAY Pablo, Roy and Eemon race along the long street. Roy in the front, Pablo in the middle, and Eemon at the end. PABLO I just want to talk! ROY Fuck you! Eemon is struggling to keep up. EEMON (Whining) You guys! Wait up!

The bike race continues. The three Boys bob and weave through the sparse traffic; they avoid sprinklers, branches on the ground and other nefarious objects clearly out to get them. Pablo is tired, he begins lagging behind. Roy thrusts forward and hops over a skateboarding ramp with “his” bike. ROY (Looks Back) Yippee-ki-yay mother fuckers!

PABLO Roy! Look out! Roy looks ahead. The front wheel of his bike jams into a large crack on the enormously uneven sidewalk, causing him to flip over. Time seems to slow down. Everything appears in slow motion -- until Roy finally falls to the pavement. Pablo and Eemon stop their bikes by Roy. They look down at his diminutive Asian face. He is lying on the ground, moaning in pain. PABLO Dude! ROY My hair hurts. EEMON I think we should call a doctor. ROY Doctor fucking Shmoctor. I’ll just channel my chi. Roy closes his eyes and lies still. Pablo and Eemon tiptoe backward, away from the scene. EXT. LOCAL PARK, JUNGLE GYM - NIGHT Eemon and Pablo sit atop a geodesic dome, where they slowly eat fast food and quickly shoot the breeze. EEMON You know what the problem with society is Pablo? PABLO America? EEMON Nnno -- the problem with society is our arrogance and this mental epidemic to try and solve all problems that we are presented with. Rather than focusing on improving the present, we instead constantly think about the future. PABLO

Well isn’t that the right thing to do, to make considerations toward the future to ensure a healthy present? EEMON Well if you view it in the scope of the universe and its entirety and its infiniteness, all things in the end will eventually correct itself. PABLO So you’re saying we shouldn’t worry or think about the future? EEMON Well I think we should to some degree, but society is presently wrapped up far too much in the future -- the ahead, the unknown; the things that really don’t matter. And it’s really quite sickening. PABLO I dunno I think we should shape our destiny and try to change things if we can. Rather than being indolent and sitting back idly. EEMON Pablo, how long do humans live? PABLO I dunno, 79, 80 years? EEMON And how old is the earth? PABLO Um 75,000 years? EEMON Not according to the fucking Bible! PABLO Uh 4.567 billion years. EEMON Right and compare that to the lifespan of a human. Very fucking short right?

PABLO Yeah so what’s your point? EEMON My point is life is too short. Spending all your time toiling till death is a fucking waste of chronological resources. Why does society have to give a shit about doing stupid crap that doesn’t matter in the end anyways? Hmm! Why? Pablo takes a bite from his hamburger. EEMON For example AIDS, finding a cure to AIDS. Who gives a shit?! We’re all going to die anyway and by interfering with the natural process, evolution, you essentially enervate the entire human race. Pablo eats a fry. EEMON All those genetically malformed people running around and producing those fucking mutated offspring with allergies and all these fucking medical problems -- will not just put a strain on society economically but will ultimately cause humanity’s inevitable disintegration and dejection. Pablo eats another fry. PABLO Okay… EEMON I’m just saying. Intervention is total bullshit. Leave things as they fucking are. They will fix themselves. There’s no need to be an arrogant fucking human and constantly step the fuck in. PABLO You’re pretty lazy aren’t you? EEMON We prefer to be called nihilists. PABLO

Hmm your religion intrigues me a great deal. May I join this institution? EEMON Sure nobody gives a shit either way. PABLO Cool. Casey appears. EEMON Casey? CASEY Yo! PABLO Holy shit! Where the fuck have you been man? We, we thought you were dead! CASEY Me? Dead? Naw I can never die. I’m one of the main characters. PABLO Of what? CASEY You know the group. PABLO Right… CASEY So uh what the fuck is you goombahs doin’? EEMON Goombahs? What is this fucking Super Mario? CASEY If you must know Super Mario is Eye-talian. However the use of the word goombah in Eye-talian culture predates that of the appearance in the first Super Mario Brothers video game. And I being Eye-talian should be able to, without harsh judgment, use this very lovely colloquialism. So if you have a problem with the way I speak paisano…

EEMON No, no, no, no fucking problem. Just saying -- for sayings sake. CASEY Okay just don’t let it happen again you fucking Mick. EEMON Did you just call me a fucking Mick? CASEY What you don’t like Mick Jagger? Too good for fucking Aerosmith ah? Eemon gets down the geodesic dome. EEMON For fuck sake it’s Rolling Stones. CASEY Who the fuck is Rolling Stones? EEMON Just the greatest band in history! CASEY If they’re so great how come I’ve never heard of them? EEMON Because you’re an ignorant fuck Casey. The only music you listen to is nigger music and Gino-beats. CASEY Let’s keep the racial slurs to a minimum alright? You fucking wizard. EEMON I’m the wizard? You’re the one who called me a fucking Mick! CASEY What is wrong with the word Mick? Everyone uses the word Mick! For example, MickDonald’s, Mickey Mouse, Mickintosh, Micksed Nuts, Mickey Rooney, uh… EEMON Fuck! Those aren’t the same things Casey! Mick is a racist word for Irishmen!

CASEY What am I fucking stupid? Mick is not a racist word. Look it up in the fucking dictionary. PABLO Actually Casey it is. Mick is in fact a racist word for Irishmen. Just like Porch Monkey is for Negroes. CASEY Negroes, what is this fucking 1952? PABLO Negro means black in Spanish, hence the term Negroes. It’s perfectly fine to say. CASEY Ah fucking whatever. Let’s just drop the fucking issue ah? PABLO Yes let’s drop the fucking issue. Pablo finishes his food and gets down from the geodesic dome. The sound of an APPROACHING HELICOPTER is heard. The three Boys look up. A copter flies over head. It drops a package from the sky and quickly disappears. Eemon bends down to pick up the package, a plain brown paper box sealed with tape. PAPER What the fuck is that? Eemon tries to pry open the package with his fingers, but he is too weak and feeble. PABLO Having problems? EEMON Shut your face Pablo and gimmie a fuckin’ knife. Pablo takes out a switchblade and tosses it to Eemon. Eemon catches it and uses it to open the package. He takes out a puffed Ziploc bag with a note taped to the front. EEMON

(Reading Note) We have your friend assholes. PABLO That’s it, anything on the back? EEMON Uh let me check. Eemon removes the note. He drops the puffed Ziploc bag on the ground. Pablo and Casey gasp in horror. Inside the bag is an ear. EEMON (Looking at Back of Note) Hmm…It appears to be a map of some sort. CLOSE-UP - BACK OF NOTE WITH DRAWING OF MAP CASEY What the fuck is that? (Points to Bag) EEMON Huh? Pablo picks up the ear-bag and holds it against the moonlight. EEMON Jaysus Christ! PABLO I think it’s an ear. It’s a blood fucking ear! CASEY Whose fucking ear is it? EEMON It looks like… PABLO No. It can’t be. It can’t be! (Stomps Foot) IT CAN’T FUCKING BE! NO FUCKING WAY! (Shakes Fist)

YOU MOTHER FUCKERS! I’LL TEAR YOU A NEW ASSHOLE IF I FIND YOU! I SWEAR TAH GOD! YOU MOTHER FUCKING MOTHER FUCKING PIECES OF SHIT! YOU MOTHER FUCKERS! YOU FUCKING PIECES OF SHIT! YOU MOTHER FUCKERS! YOU FUCKING -Pablo falls to his knees and pounds the ground. He breathes heavily in frustration. PABLO Fuck! (Weeping) EEMON Pablo it’s just an ear. He’s probably still alive. PABLO I know, but fuck! What the fuck are they doing to him? Who the fuck sends an ear in a bag?! CASEY People who fucking mean business. Casey picks up the bag and takes out the ear. Pablo looks up with his blood shot eyes. CASEY (Talking Into Ear) Can you hear me now? (Snickers) PABLO You fat fuck that’s not funny! Pablo gets up and pounces at Casey. EXT. BACK OF FACTORY – NIGHT Pablo, Casey and Eemon arrive at the back of the factory. They look up at the long metal ladder leading to the roof. CASEY Are you sure this is the place? EEMON Pretty sure, I checked it on Google Maps. CASEY What the fuck is Google Maps?

EEMON Wait what year is it again? PABLO 1996. EEMON Oh yeah Google Maps doesn’t exist yet. Heh, silly me. CASEY Eemon you are going to fuck up the space time continuum. Do you know what will happen if you fuck up the space time continuum? EEMON Yah, yah, end of the world -- big deal. PABLO Big fucking deal indeed! EEMON Okay can we just go up this fucking ladder already? School’s in… (Looks at Watch) 2 hours. PABLO Alright let’s go. EXT. FACTORY ROOFTOP – NIGHT Casey, Eemon and Pablo climb up the ladder and get onto the roof. On the opposite end of are four other people; Mayor Scarfoni, his two hired Goons, and Henry. Henry is has a bag over his head and is strapped to a plastic lawn chair.

SCARFONI So you’re the little shit heads who fucked over my brother? CASEY Mayor Scarfoni with all due respect he was an ass grabbing pedophile. He got what he had coming to him. SCARFONI

(Wagging Finger) You! You got balls kid! I like that! CASEY Yeah so did yah fucking brother. The two Goons take out their gun and point them at Casey. MAYOR You’re making my goons angry. You don’t want to make my goons angry do you? The Mayor waves his hand and gestures for the Goons to put away their guns. CASEY What do you want Scarfoni? MAYOR Do you know what stinks about Markham beside the weather and the taxes? CASEY Is that a rhetorical question? MAYOR You’re a real sharp kid aren’t you? PABLO (Whispering to Casey) Casey what the fuck is going on? CASEY Mayor Scarfoni our family has owned the Kennedy area for over 100 years. We are not going to give it to a puissant prick like you. MAYOR Oh I think you will. The Mayor takes the bag off Henry’s head. PABLO Henry! Henry’s face is lacerated and bruised. HENRY

Hey you guys. PABLO What the fuck is wrong with you? MAYOR Nothing -- besides the fact that I will go to any extreme to get what I want. Pablo grimaces at the Mayor. The Mayor takes out a piece of paper and waves it before Casey. MAYOR Now sign the fucking paper! CASEY I-I can’t. I’m not 18 yet. The Mayor sighs. He takes out a gun and shoots Henry in the leg. Henry screams in pain. HENRY Agh fuck! Arghhh! The Mayor puts away his gun. CASEY Okay! Okay! I’ll sign it! Casey joins the Mayor on the other side of the roof. He takes the paper/document. CASEY I need a pen. The Mayor gropes around in his pockets. He can’t find a pen. MAYOR Goddamn it! Any of you got a fucking pen? The Goons looks in their pockets. No pen. They shake their heads. MAYOR Ugh! All that planning for nothing! Because of one fucking pen!

CASEY Wait I think I have a pen. Casey reaches into the back of his pants and pulls out a gun. He points it to Mayor Scarfoni’s head. CASEY Did I say pen? I meant gun. The Goons reach into their jackets. CASEY I wouldn’t do that if I were you two. You see my gun is a counterfeit. It’s made in China. It’s very cheap and it really has a tendency to go off accidentally. MAYOR Kid you don’t know who you’re messing with. CASEY Scarfoni -- the saltiest cunt in Markham, right? MAYOR Not the saltiest, the quickest. Mayor Goons Casey Goons

Scarfoni knocks the gun out of Casey’s hand. The draw their weapons and shoot Casey in both his feet. falls to the floor. Tears stream down his cheeks. The retract their weapons. CASEY You mother fucker!

The Mayor takes out his gun and pulls back the slide. He points at Casey’s head. MAYOR Too bad no one had a pen. Casey is shot in the head. Pablo and Eemon make a run for it. The Mayor pops Eemon in the skull and shoots Pablo in the back. They fall off the roof.

The Mayor puts away his gun and snaps his finger and points to Henry. The two Goons grab the chair and drag it to the other end. HENRY Where are you taking me? The Goons toss Henry off the roof, his fat body splats on the asphalt below. EXT. BACK OF FACTORY – NIGHT Pablo, Casey and Eemon arrive at the back of the factory. They look up at the long metal ladder leading to the roof. CASEY Are you sure this is the place? EEMON Pretty sure, I checked it on Google Maps. CASEY What the fuck is Google Maps? EEMON Wait what year is it again? PABLO 1996. EEMON Oh yeah Google Maps doesn’t exist yet. Heh, silly me. CASEY Eemon you are going to fuck up the space time continuum. Do you know what will happen if you fuck up the space time continuum? EEMON Yah, yah, end of the world -- big deal. PABLO Big fucking deal indeed! EEMON Okay can we just go up this fucking ladder already? School’s in… (Looks at Watch)

2 hours. PABLO Alright let’s go. EXT. FACTORY ROOFTOP – NIGHT Casey, Eemon and Pablo climb up the ladder and get onto the roof. On the opposite end of are four other people; Mayor Scarfoni, his two hired Goons, and Henry. Henry is has a bag over his head and is strapped to a plastic lawn chair. CASEY Mayor Scarfoni? MAYOR Yes? CASEY Prepare to meet your maker. Jo pops up onto the roof from the ladder and shoots the Mayor and the Goons with a machine gun. They drop to the floor like flies. Casey, Pablo, Eemon and Jo run over to Henry. They remove the bag from his head and untie him. Henry falls down onto his knees and breaks down. HENRY (Breathing Heavy & Crying) They fucking made me eat their shit! JO …So they mistook you for a Japanese girl huh? PABLO Jo! JO Oh sorry. HENRY Ugh…I feel sick. EEMON

Hey everything is going to be alright buddy. (Pats Henry on His Shoulder) You know what they say, “All’s well that ends well.” CASEY Now is not the time for your words of wisdom Eemon. The dude is clearly traumatized. Henry gets up and wipes his tears. HENRY Oh they didn’t make me eat their literal shit if that’s what you’re thinking. I just meant they made me eat their shitty food –- sushi. I hate fucking Sushi! What am I a goddamn Jap?! PABLO Actually I personally like sushi. It’s light, it’s not too heavy, and it’s very full of flavor. JO You know I just killed three people right? CASEY Huh? (Looks at Bodies) Oh yeah. Let’s get the fuck outta here. The Boys climb down the ladder and leave the rooftop. As soon as they do several mafia men carrying body bags get up onto the roof, clean up the scene and take away the corpses. EXT. THE BLUFFS – NIGHT Pablo, Eemon, Henry, Roy, Jo, Casey, Jared, Danny, and Wess are sitting around a campfire roasting marshmallows. CLOSE-UP – JARED’S FACE JARED Good god that’s a fucked up story. PABLO Well it’s 100% true. JARED

Okay but I still don’t get how you escaped the Iranian terrorists? JO How did I escape? How did I not escape! are morons. Their highest intellectual death. Considering that people die left single day, it’s not really that much

Jared terrorists achievement is and right every of a stretch.

JARED But still…you have to admit it was quite a narrow escape. JO Narrow Shmarrow, Mia Farrow. I totally got away. JARED I dunno the story still sounds a bit farfetched. PABLO Jared, believe us it happened. We were all there. I saw a man’s head -- in a jar! JARED You expect me to believe all this shit happened after I was detained by the oinks within the span of a single day? PABLO You have to keep in mind though that most of the events were concurrent. They happened within roughly the same time frame. JARED You guys is fucking with me aren’t you? CASEY Jared never in a million billion years would we voluntarily fuck with you. JARED I dunno. ROY C’man! We’re friends Jared! Why would we lie to you? JARED ‘Cause you guys are sick fucks? EEMON

How dare you Jared! How dare you! We bring you out here to celebrate your birthday and you call us sick fucks? JARED Sick, stupid, gay, whatever… HENRY So do you wanna open yah birthday present or what? JARED Oh yeah, alright. Danny takes out a gift wrapped box and hands it to Wess. Wess hands it to Jared. Jared takes it and unwraps the box. When he looks at the present he drops it to the ground in shock. JARED Jesus fucking Christ! DANNY So I take it you don’t like the gift? JARED It’s a fucking ear! WESS Hey at least we remembered your birthday okay. Nobody remembered my birthday. Wess frowns and gazes wistfully up into the sky. JARED This is too much. And I don’t mean that in a good sense. I mean this is too fucking much. A fucking ear! What the fuck were you guys thinking?! PABLO It’s a unique gift Jared. Just appreciate it for what it is. Jared glares at Pablo. Pablo takes out another gift box. He hands it over to Jared. PABLO Here’s your real gift. JARED If this is another ear…

PABLO No it’s your REAL gift. It is NOT an ear. I guarantee. Jared excitedly unwraps his present -- it’s Pogs! JARED Pogs! PABLO Do you like it? JARED Fuckin’ A! A bright beam of light enters the campfire grounds. The intense illumination causes the Boys to squint and shield their eyes. They look over and see a large yellow school bus. The lights turn off. A chunky little brown girl with enormous breasts appears. She looks to be of a strange descent, Canadian-Indian-Mexican-Japanese? A real mutt. NORANDO Hey fuckers you have something that belongs to me. JARED Oh my god you guys got me a stripper! EEMON Did we? JO No. JARED (Stands & Points) SUCK MY DICK! NORANDO Do I look like your fucking mom?! Suck your own fucking dick! JARED You are one naughty stripper! NORANDO

Asshole I’m not a stripper. I came here to get something. JARED So you’re not going to suck my dick? NORANDO Honey the only way you’ll get your dick wet is if someone throws you into Lake Ontario. JARED You think I didn’t try that?! NORANDO I don’t give a fuck what you tried. Just shut the fuck up and give me my fucking ear. Jared picks up the ear and holds it up for the crazy bus driving bitch to see. JARED Is this what you want? NORANDO Gimme my fucking ear. Jared looks carefully at Norando’s face. It appears she is fully intact. Two complete ears. JARED Are you a clown? NORANDO What? JARED Because you’re making me laugh…BITCH! This isn’t the CNIB! We can clearly see you have two fucking ears! NORANDO Of course I have two fucking ears! What the fuck do you think I am a mutant? Charlie fucking Xavier? Of course I have two fucking ears! JARED Exactly and that’s why THIS ear isn’t yours.

NORANDO Idiot! That’s my boyfriend’s ear. I came here to pick it up for him. JARED I don’t believe a word you’re saying. You fucking mutt stripper! Norando withdraws a six shooter from between her cleavage. She points the barrel toward Jared. JARED I’m a fucking Kulari. You think I haven’t seen a gun before, especially one that’s been pointed in my fucking face?! Fuck you bitch! NORANDO Gimme the ear or I’ll shoot you and all your fucking friends. JARED Lady! You have a six shooter -- six fucking bullets. There are nine of us. Even if you made six perfect headshots in these lowlight conditions, which isn’t very likely, there would still be three of us left over to rape and kill you. NORANDO I have more than six bullets you sick fuck. And I can reload in less than two seconds. JARED In the span of two seconds I can throw two knives in two of your eyes -- and I really don’t think you can shoot without any of your eyes. NORANDO So what am I supposed to wet myself now? JARED Fuck you! NORANDO No fuck you. JARED No fuck you!

NORANDO NO FUCK YOU! PABLO Goddamn it will you guys shut the fuck up! Just give her the fucking ear! JARED But! Pablo glares at Jared. JARED Fine! Jared tosses the ear to Norando. NORANDO Gracias! JARED I hope you’re happy. NORANDO Very. JARED Because that was my fucking birthday present. NORANDO It’s your birthday? JARED Yeah. NORANDO Well happy fucking birthday! Norando begins to leave. She pauses and turns back around. NORANDO Hey you guys wanna get high? EXT/INT. – SECLUDED ROAD, SCHOOL BUS – NIGHT

While Norando drives the school bus, the Boys stay in the back and smoke marijuana (except Jo). They talk in a fast paced manner. HENRY (Stumbling Around) Oh my Gad! I am so high! DANNY (Looks At Hands) My hands they’re so huge! But my dick is so small! Oh my God! I’m a terrible human being! PABLO (Rocking Back and Forth) You guys are crazy. You guys are fucking crazy man. WESS Snootchie-bootchies! (Inhales) EEMON Hey is that a reference to Kevin Smith? Ha! JARED You guys’s are the best! This is the best fucking birthday party ever! Jo stumbles toward the end of the bus and opens the emergency door. He pulls down his pants and pees against the wind. The urine splashes back on his shirt. ROY Jo! C’mere a minute and get high with us! JO Naw that stuff is no good for you. ROY C’man! JO No that’s quite alright. Jo finishes up; he closes the emergency door and goes back to his seat. CASEY

(Puffs His Joint) I know we just ate marshmallows, but I still feel hungry for some odd reason. PABLO Yeah me too. CASEY Hey we should go to Italy. We should fly to Italy and pick up some pasghetti. Now that would be a good idea. NORANDO Hey we’re almost there! PABLO Where? NORANDO The pick-up! HENRY You got anymore MJ? NORANDO No, no more fucking marijuana. HENRY Why not?! NORANDO Please shut the fuck up. We’re almost there. HENRY I will not waive my right to the first amendment. I refuse to, “Shut the fuck up!” Norando stomps on the break. Henry tumbles over from the sudden stop. He accidentally bites his tongue. HENRY Ooh my tongue! Henry gets up from the floor. He sticks out his bleeding tongue and touches it with his finger. HENRY

Ow! NORANDO Okay everybody -- get the fuck off! EXT. MOTEL MARKHAM - NIGHT Norando and the Boys file out the school bus. Before them is an exceptionally revolting rundown motel. There is a strong wafting smell of urine and the atmosphere of poorly run projects from urban Canada. WESS (Smells the Air) Good God it smells like squirrel piss. NORANDO If this is the fucking worst you’ve smelt, consider yourself lucky. JARED (Apprehensive) Sooo…where’s the party? NORANDO No this is the pick-up. The party is after. JARED Oh… NORANDO Now pay attention. Look out for room 11-13. A Whorish looking woman sees Norando and the Boys from across the street. She walks over to the motel parking lot to meet them. WHORE Excuse me do you have any change? The Group turns their attention toward the Whore. WHORE I need tah take the bus but I don’t have any change. Do you have any change? Norando takes out a cigarette and begins smoking.

NORANDO The buses don’t run at this hour. WHORE Any change would be appreciated. NORANDO Does this look like UNICEF? Is there a tattoo on my head that says UNICEF? Because if there is I’d like to know. We don’t have any fucking change! WHORE Anyone? Casey steps forward. CASEY I have a dollar. WHORE That’s it? CASEY Yeah. WHORE Okay. Casey reaches into his pocket and grabs a loony. As he is about to hand it over to the Whore, Norando stops him and grabs his arm by the sleeve. NORANDO Don’t give her any money. CASEY What? Why not? NORANDO Because she’s a lying whore. WHORE Hey. NORANDO

(Points to Whore) This fucking bitch -- every single fucking day, “Can I have some fucking change for the fucking bus?” FUCK! How many fucking times do you have to take the fucking bus to fucking know you have to carry around some fucking change? Hmm! WHORE If you’re going to be rude… NORANDO Lick my tits! WHORE Wha’? NORANDO Lick my tits! WHORE Wha’? NORANDO If you want to earn your change honey you’re going to have to work for it. So! Lick my tits! LICK MY TITS! Norando lifts up her shirt. The Whore hesitantly sticks out her tongue. She closes her eyes. The Boys watch with extreme anticipation as the Whore slowly leans forward her head. DANNY I’m gonna jerk off. WESS Me too! Danny and Wess beat their meat. The Whore licks Norando’s left nipple. The wet scraping sound of her moving tongue is long and loud. NORANDO Now the other one.

The Whore switches tits and licks Norando’s right nipple. She completes her TTJ (tongue-tit-job) and withdraws her face/tongue. NORANDO Was that so hard? WHORE (Wipes Mouth) Give me my fucking change. Norando reaches into her pocket and grabs a bunch of coins. She takes them and tosses them onto the ground. They scatter all over. The Whore scrambles down onto her knees to grab them. EEMON Oh, I uh, found the motel room. (Points) CLOSE-UP – MOTEL ROOM DOOR 11-13 NORANDO Let’s go. The Whore continues to pick up the change. EXT. MOTEL ROOM 11-13 – NIGHT With the Boys behind her, Norando confidently knocks on the lime green colored door. It is numbered 11-13 in golden brass lettering. A couple seconds pass and the group grows anxious, but then the door mysteriously swings open. Norando and the Boys quickly let themselves in. INT. MOTEL ROOM 11-13 – NIGHT The Boys follow Norando where she takes them to the end of the room where they find themselves in front of a large wooden desk with a chair facing its back toward them. They wonder what is going on. The chair suddenly spins around. The “gang” is face to face with a black, crazy and dangerous looking PIMP daddy. He is dressed in a dark purple jumpsuit with a feathered hat; typical pimp attire. He is also wearing large aviator sunglasses, which he removes to look at Norando.

PIMP Ohhh shit! Norando the hoe has her very own hoes! How very ironic! Although I myself am not into the game of pimpin’ out little boys. NORANDO These are NOT my hoes. PIMP Yeah sure whatever you say. NORANDO Look I didn’t come here to get the bullshit. I came here to get the money. PIMP You must be outta yo’ mind! When has a pimp ever parted with his paper except for a pardon? NORANDO The reward? PIMP Oh! Shit. That’s right! The reward. NORANDO So do you have the money? The Pimp grabs a purple duffel bag and plunks it onto his desk. Norando reaches to touch the bag but the Pimp slaps her on the wrist. PIMP Evidence? Norando hands the ear to the Pimp. He inspects it carefully. PIMP This looks like his ear, but there’s just one problem. NORANDO What is that? PIMP These ain’t coon ears. NORANDO

No, that isn’t a raccoon ear. It’s a human ear. PIMP Not coon as in raccoon, stupid hoe -- coon as in nigger. NORANDO Oh I’m sorry. I’m not familiar with racial terminology. PIMP Coon, nigger. Nigger, negro. Negro, black. Black, African. African, American. NORANDO You mean Canadian. PIMP Shut the fuck up bitch! NORANDO Pimp Daddy. I am surprised at your hostility. PIMP I am in a hostile mood. NORANDO Why? PIMP WHY?! What the fuck do you mean why?! Why the fuck not?! You tried to trick me! My own daughter tried to trick me! What the fuck has this world come to huh, when a father can’t even trust his own daughter? WESS Oh so that’s why she called you Pimp Daddy. You’re literally her pimp and her daddy. PIMP Who, who the hell are you? WESS Hernandex. Wess Hernandex. PIMP Get the fuck outta my office!

The Pimp throws a pen at Wess’s head. Wess becomes embarrassed and self-conscious. He leaves the room quietly with his head hanging low. NORANDO Throwing pens at my friends’ heads, not cool Pimp Daddy, not cool. PIMP Well my mom says I’m cool. Norando rolls her eyes and sighs. NORANDO (Mumbling) Asshole! Norando leaves. CASEY (Doing Voice) …Jerk! PIMP Huh! Who said that? EXT. MOTEL ROOM 11-13 – NIGHT, RAINING Wess stands in the rain outside. His wet hair droops down in front of his face. Norando walks over to him from behind and puts her hand on his shoulder. NORANDO Wess? WESS Yeah? Norando gently grabs Wess and spins him around. NORANDO Are you a virgin? WESS N-no.

NORANDO I can tell when people are lying to me. WESS Yeah I am. (Droops Head) Norando drops to her knees and pulls down Wess’s pants. She sucks his dick. Wess leans back and puts his hands behind his head. WESS Ohhh teeth! INT. MOTEL ROOM 11-13 – NIGHT Casey is pointing a gun to the Pimp’s head. He is holding the Pimp’s purple duffel bag in his left hand. The Pimp is sprawled across his desk, with his head down flat and his arms submissively by his side. CASEY Look here yah fuckin’ coon! We is takin’ yah money and there’s nothin’ you can do about it! EXT. MOTEL ROOM 11-13 – NIGHT Norando “finishes off” Wess. He moans with satisfaction. The Boys come bursting out of the motel room, they frantically run past him. DANNY Come on Wess! WESS (Hesitant) But! ROY (OS) Ditch the bitch! Wess zips up his pants and follows the others. Norando gets up and wipes off her mouth. The Pimp appears. He wheezes, trying to catch his breath from running. He fires his gun off into the distance. EXT/INT. – MOTEL PARKING LOT, SCHOOL BUS – NIGHT

The Boys hurriedly hop onto the school bus. Casey tosses the duffle bag between one of the grey cushioned seats and takes the wheel. He starts up the vehicle and presses on the gas pedal. The Boys look out the window. They see the pimp running and pointing his gun. They duck down and avoid the shots bursting through the windows. EXT/INT. – SECLUDED ROAD, SCHOOL BUS – NIGHT The bus speeds down the road. The Boys jeer the Pimp as he vanishes from behind; it appears they have escaped successfully. Casey wipes the sweat from his nose. He takes off his cap and tosses it behind. The others huddle around the duffle bag and look at all the money. HENRY How much money do you think is in here? EEMON It’s gotta be at least a quarter million. ROY Daymn that’s alotta cheese. PABLO You know what we should do with this? We should open our own brothel. DANNY At sea? PABLO At fucking sea! WESS This is why you are the idea man! CASEY Hey we’re not home free yet! Don’t count yah fuckin’ eggs before they hatch! JO What’re you worried about Casey? You really think that Pimp is gonna come back and chase after us?

CASEY Don’t ever underestimate a hardcore pimp! JO Casey the dude’s brain is fried like chicken from Kentucky. He’s not gonna find us. CASEY Oh really? JO Do I look like fucking Jared? I know what I’m talking about. PABLO Jesus Christ you two what’s with all the fucking hostility? We have a quarter million dollars in our hands, that’s all that should fucking matter. JO You’re right Pablo, you’re fucking right. You know what we should celebrate. We should go to Doogood pond. JARED Oh I love that place -- with the fuckin’ bridge and the fish, and the fuckin’ ducks. CASEY WE ARE NOT going to Doogood pond! EXT. DOOGOOD POND – NIGHT The Boys are standing on the bridge over Doogood pond. Casey holds the duffel bag full of money while Henry spits into the water, trying to land his saliva on the heads of the fish. Pablo pauses from smoking and glares at Henry. PABLO That is fucking disgusting. HENRY Who the fuck died and made you King? (Stops Spitting) JARED

If anybody is the fucking King here it’s me. CASEY The only Kings I recognize are King Christ and King Presley. So if you ain’t gonna turn wine into water and you ain’t gonna shake your hips -- then please Jared shut the fuck up. JARED Don’t ever tell me to shut the fuck up, you fat fucking grizzly. CASEY I may be overweight but at least I don’t have the IQ of a fucking peanut. And unlike you, I’m not a big fat fucking wet pussy. JARED (Angrily) What did you say? CASEY What the IQ thing or the, you being a big fat fucking wet pussy thing? Jared reaches into his jacket; he pulls out a gun and shoots Casey in the head. The Boys jump back in shock. PABLO WHAT THE FUCK!? Jared picks up the duffel bag. He points the gun at the others. JARED Nobody calls me a fucking pussy! JO Dude what the fuck is your problem? JARED Oh don’t look so fucking surprised. You know this isn’t the first time I’ve killed someone. EEMON You, you’ve killed more than one person?

JARED Yeah! What was his name? (Rubs Nose With Gun) Uh, Tawrik? Yeah that’s it Tawrik Yawridd. EEMON …That funny guy from the Middle East? JARED Ah so that’s where he’s from. EEMON Who the -- Why the fuck would you kill Tawrik? JARED The fucker borrows a DVD from me right and returns it scratched. Who the fuck does that?! JO Wait –- I thought you said he bought you a new one. JARED It wasn’t the same thing. JO But it was the same movie. JARED IT WASN’T THE SAME FUCKING THING! It wasn’t the limited fucking edition! Jesus H. Christ! Don’t you know the fucking difference?! DANNY You’re fucking crazy man. Jared shoots Danny in the head.

JARED Throw the bodies in the pond and keep your fucking mouths shut. Pablo, Jo, Roy and Eemon pick up the bodies and throw them over the bridge. JARED Hey, how much is 250,000 divided by 8?

EEMON About 31,000. JARED Aw man that car I wanted is 35,000. Jared shoots Wess in the head. PABLO WHAT THE FUCK! JARED I really want that Corvette. EEMON You fucking asshole! Jared points the gun at Henry and shoots him in the head. EEMON What the fuck was that for!? JARED I forgot about taxes. PABLO You are a fucking psycho! JARED I’m not a psycho Pablo. I have motivation. Psychos kill for no good reason. I kill for revenge and money. Hence I am not a psycho. PABLO (Turns Head) …Oh shit the cops! JARED Huh! (Turns Head) While Jared is distracted, Pablo knocks the gun out of his hand. He punches him in the face and shoves him off the bridge.

Pablo jumps into the pond and violently attacks. He elbows Jared in the face and pushes his head into the water. After several minutes Jared drowns and dies. Pablo lets go of his head and swims ashore. The Boys run to the edge of the Pond and help Pablo to his feet. PABLO (Breathing Heavily) …It was worth it. INT. PRISON CELL – DAY Pablo is typing on his computer. We hear the voice in his head as he (mentally) reads what he writes. PABLO (VO) Was it really worth it? I don’t know. But the satisfaction of drowning Jared felt pretty damned good. He killed four of my friends and I have no regrets about taking his life -- but I am incensed at the injustice of my imprisonment. What I did was not just revenge but it was self-defense. Why should I spend my entire youth in prison just because I destroyed a monster? …On the upside I have finally completed my novel. Hu-fucking-rray! Pablo saves his work and turns off his computer. He goes over to his bed and lies down. PABLO (Sighs) Whoever said life is a bitch was a fucking genius. As Pablo is lounging around a shovel suddenly pops up from under the floor. He gets up to look and watches it circle around. The round piece of the floor pops up. Two chubby looking hands grip the edges of the circle. Jo lifts himself out of the circle. PABLO Jo? JO Get in the fucking hole.

Pablo hops into the hole. Jo follows behind. EXT. BARREN FIELD – DAY Pablo’s head pops up from a hole in the field. He scans around. A skinny hand leans out in front of his face. Pablo grabs it and hoists himself up. EEMON Long time no see. Pablo smiles. JO (OS) I’m stuck! EEMON Goddamn it Jo! Eemon and Pablo reach into the tunnel and pulls out Jo. JO (Waves) Greetings! EEMON …Come on let’s go. Eemon, Jo and Pablo get into a beige minivan, where they are greeted by Roy and Danny. The van takes off. To where? Who knows? THE END Contact Info: [email protected] (905) 475-5427 60 Carey Crescent Markham, ON L3R 3E5 CANADA