Lost Bearings Episode Two

LOST BEARINGS EPISODE TWO – TEQUILA MOCKINGBIRD by Martin Perrett

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SCENE 1. IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE

TEQUILA TERRY:

At last, all my preparations are complete. Soon, oh soon, the moment it arrives and I, I am ready. Heh heh heh, tequila.

WOMAN:

Have you done your homework, dear?

TEQUILA TERRY:

Damn it, woman! I am a sentient teddy bear not a child! Why did I get stuck here with a teacher, why? No wonder I want to escape this reality

WOMAN:

And your tea’s nearly ready. Burgers and chips. You like them.

TEQUILA TERRY:

Bloody woman! I will escape this world and I will integrate myself into the life of… you, little bear. My counterpart, my alternate. Soon, Terry, soon I will emerge into your world and I will replace you! Oh, the moment is so close I can feel it. Can… can you save me some chips?

TITLES

-1-

SCENE 2. A PHONE CALL

F/X:

PHONE DIALLING, RINGING AND BEING ANSWERED

F/X:

THUNDERSTORM THAT CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND

CEDRIC:

Hello? Yes?

GRAND EDWARD:

Cedric, hello. It’s The Grand Edward.

CEDRIC:

Grand Edward.

GRAND EDWARD:

(BEAT) How are things, Cedric?

CEDRIC:

I have seen better days to be honest.

GRAND EDWARD:

Yes, I’m sure.

CEDRIC:

I barely made it out of the Bear Council meeting alive! As it stands I have 38 (BEAT) 39 IOU death threats. My loss in popularity was too swift for many of them, you see, to come up with any decent spur of the moment retribution. There were some colourful insults though. One of them called me a “monkey felching retard” though which I thought quite original.

-2-

GRAND EDWARD:

Ah yes. That sounds like our Jeb. I’d go as far as calling him “something of a maverick”. If you two were cops I’d team you up together. As it stands I have other plans for that bear. For now it is you I need to discuss. Your failure to find Beartopia has had a very, very bad impact on the morale of us humble (beat) teddy bears.

CEDRIC:

With respect, Grand Edward, it was yourself that sent me upon this chase of wild geese.

GRAND EDWARD:

Pushing that aside for the moment, I have a little job for you. A job that will, I guarantee, restore your faded popularity in spades.

CEDRIC:

Theodore Roosevelt have mercy, if you think I will do anything more for you then you are sadly mistaken.

GRAND EDWARD:

According to my system there are currently twelve contracts out on you.

CEDRIC:

Twelve. (PAUSE) I understand. What would you have me do?

GRAND EDWARD:

Good Bear, good bear. I knew I could count on you. Before all that though tell me, what are you wearing?

CEDRIC:

Excuse me?

GRAND EDWARD:

What are you wearing?

CEDRIC:

Khaki travelpants, but I don’t see what business it is of (PAUSE) Are you okay, Grand Edward?

-3-

GRAND EDWARD:

Oh yes, yes. Well, where were we? Of course! I need to pick your brains.

-4-

SCENE 3. IN THE FLAT

F/X:

THUNDERSTORM THAT CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND

F/X:

BATH SOUNDS IN THE BACKGROUND

F/X

STAR TREK ON THE TELEVISION

JEB:

Excuse me?

TERRY:

I said if you was the captain of a spaceship what would you do? You’d probably seek out new forms of pork pies or something. Mind you, pork pies are lovely.

JEB:

Have you unplugged everything yet?

TERRY:

Nearly. Just want to watch this bit, it’s the best bit.

JEB:

Terry, I can hear the storm from in here. Can you get on with it?

TERRY:

In a minute!

JEB:

Mind you, taking a bath right now is probably a pretty bad idea. They should really tell us stuff like this on the news.

-5-

TERRY:

But we never watch the news, Jeb. You say that if you want to be depressed you go and listen to the old men down the pub ‘cause at least they’ve got more character than the average robotic newsreaders.

JEB:

(OUT OF THE BATH) Androids. I said newsreaders are androids.

TERRY:

See that’s one of those things that makes you… you, Jeb. You’d rather listen to a bunch of old men rather than watch the news.

JEB:

Much more entertaining.

TERRY:

And why don’t you let anyone make you a cup of tea?

JEB:

What’s that got to do with anything?

TERRY:

Nothing. It just baffles me.

JEB:

No one makes it the way I like it? I dunno.

TERRY:

But, Jeb, I’ve seen you buy tea in cafes plenty of times and that don’t bother you but you don’t even let anyone buy you a cup of tea.

JEB:

Just watch your show, Terry.

TERRY:

I thought you wanted me to unplug everything.

JEB:

Unplug everything then! Just stop going on about tea!

-6-

TERRY:

F/X:

But Jeb, the best bit’s coming up!

TRANSPORTER SOUNDS, THUNDER GROWING

JEB:

Oh for…

TERRY:

Here it comes.

F/X

JEB:

F/X

LIGHTNING STRIKE, EXPLOSION

Shitting Mothers!

SPARKS

JEB:

Are you all right?

TERRY:

I think I just done a packet.

JEB:

Power’s out, we’ve been hit by lightning. Chances are we’ve gone back in time or have been killed outright!

TERRY:

Oh don’t, Jeb, I’m already unnerved enough as it is.

JEB:

Look on the bright side, yeah? We live above a pub that’s been hit by lightning. There’s going to be a lot of stunned people around and therefore?

TERRY:

Nowhere to sit?

JEB:

Free drinks!

-7-

TERRY:

Oh, I didn’t think of that.

JEB:

Bloody hell these jeans are tight. Eating too many pies again! Hnn! Right, I’m ready. Let’s get some ale in our tummies. Tell you what though.

TERRY:

What’s that?

JEB:

It’s been a shocking evening.

TERRY:

Yeah, it’s been awful.

JEB:

Terry, it’s been shocking!

TERRY:

Totally agree.

JEB:

No, shocking, yeah?

TERRY:

One of the worst. And I missed the end of Star Trek.

JEB:

(LEAVING) Terry I don’t think you understand. Come on.

F/X:

DOOR OPEN AND CLOSE

F/X

GLASS SCRAPING

TEQUILA TERRY:

Can it possibly be true? Am I finally in a new universe? A new reality? It smells funny. I am rather peckish, I think I will make a sandwich. And then?

(T. TERRY/CONT’D OVER)

-8-

T. TERRY (CONT’D):

Oh yes, then I will learn all I can of my counterpart and infiltrate his life. I will take over and he, heh heh heh, he will vanish. And I will find the women of the big bottoms and I will bite their peaches! Heh heh heh, tequila. But first a sandwich.

-9-

SCENE 4. IN THE PUB

F/X:

CROWD OF PEOPLE IN THE BACKGROUND

JEB:

Oi oi, Landlord.

LANDLORD:

Hello, Mr Jeb. All alive and not too singed I trust?

JEB:

Not too bad considering we was just struck by lightning.

LANDLORD:

Glad to hear it. This must surely mean I can expect your rent any day now?

JEB:

Ooh yes, yes. All in hand, good sir.

LANDLORD:

In my hand soon I hope.

JEB:

Got this awful ringing in my ears, just been struck by lightning, you know. Handsome hope?

LANDLORD:

Rent.

JEB:

Aw, give us a brandy would you? I’m in shock or something similar. Look at little Terry, he’s all pale!

LANDLORD:

Terry! Hello, son. Don’t often see you around.

TERRY:

Hello, Landlord. I don’t like going out on my own much. People tend to trample me or sit on me and stuff.

-10-

LANDLORD:

Well I’ll make sure no one does that in here, mate. What you drinking? You look done in. The lager’s warm but the bitter’s good!

TERRY:

Oh thanks! Bitter please.

JEB:

Ooh, ooh, I feel all faint like.

LANDLORD:

Really.

JEB:

Rent tomorrow, guv.

LANDLORD:

Go on then.

JEB:

Eey! Pint of Pride please, sir!

TERRY:

Gay Pride?

JEB:

I’ll slap you one, one of these days. London Pride please Landlord.

LANDLORD:

Right you are. (BEAT) Jeb, the Berts are in.

JEB:

Excellent!

LANDLORD:

Said you owe them a drink.

JEB:

Oh.

TERRY:

Who are the Berts, Jeb?

-11-

JEB:

The old men, Terry, the ones I get the news off.

TERRY:

Oh yeah.

LANDLORD:

There’s three of them in tonight.

JEB:

Three Berts? Who’s the other one?

LANDLORD:

Why don’t you go and find out! There you go, Terry.

TERRY:

Thanks!

JEB:

Terry, why don’t you go and take your drink and put a couple of tunes on the jukebox. I’m going to go and chat to the Berts.

TERRY:

Okay.

JEB:

Thank you, Barlord!

-12-

SCENE 5. IN THE FLAT

TEQUILA TERRY:

Perfect, I have found Terry’s diary. Feel my glory! Now, now I can learn more about him. I will have his knowledge! And his, his (PAUSE) yes, just his knowledge. Let me see.

F/X:

PAGES TURNING

TEQUILA TERRY/TERRY(V.O.) : (READS FROM DIARY FADING INTO TERRY’S VOICE) January the first. Dear Diary, I have never been as privileged as other Teddy Bears. I never had a home, didn’t have an owner either. I fell off a shelf in a supermarket. I must have lain there for days before I realised I was conscious. Eventually I got up and asked for a sandwich and they said “No.” So I said “Oh” and left. I must have wandered the lengths and breadths of South East London. Look for food, a friend, somewhere warm to sleep. Tomorrow I will write about how I met Jeb and every day I will add to this journal of my life and things what I get up to.

TEQUILA TERRY:

July the thirty-first

TERRY(V.O.) :

I had sausages for my tea!

TEQUILA TERRY:

Hmm.

-13-

SCENE 6. IN THE PUB AGAIN

F/X:

BERT1:

CROWD OF PEOPLE IN THE BACKGROUND

And while he was banging on about how clever he was I shot him in the kneecap. Ha!

BERT2:

That’s bollocks and you know it.

BERT1:

Nope, definitely the kneecaps.

JEB:

Oi oi, chaps! What’s the score?

BERT1:

Hello Junior, same old. Bertie here refuses to believe anything I say and it’s your round.

JEB:

What’s he been saying now?

BERT2:

Apparently it’s a bad idea to take a bath during a thunderstorm and I am in agreeance that it is indeed your round.

JEB:

Piss. Landlord!

TERRY:

Jeb! I ain’t got no money.

JEB:

Here you go, here’s 50p, go and put on a couple of belters, yeah?

TERRY:

Yeah.

-14-

JEB:

Where was I?

BERT1:

Getting the beers in!

JEB:

I’m on it! What’s the latest, lads?

BERT2:

Hm. Pub was hit by lightning, power’s out all over town, the quiff is back in fashion, yellow is the new black, price of cheese has rocketed and there’s been further strange attacks on teddy bears.

JEB:

Is… is that true?

BERT2:

Most of it.

JEB:

What’s this about the attacks?

TERRY:

Jeb! There’s no power! The jukebox isn’t working.

JEB:

Really.

TERRY:

Yeah.

JEB:

Here, lads, Landlord said there was three of you here tonight. Is he hallucinating again?

BERT1:

The other Bert, he’s here. Just attending to nature.

JEB:

Who’s he then?

BERT1:

You know him, junior. It’s Herbert!

-15-

JEB:

Herbert?

TERRY:

Who’s Herbert, Jeb?

JEB:

Grandad!

GRANDAD:

Eh?

JEB:

Grandad!

GRANDAD:

Eh?

JEB:

Grandad.

GRANDAD:

Eh?

JEB:

Grandad.

GRANDAD:

Eh?

JEB:

Grandad.

GRANDAD:

Eh?

JEB:

Grandad.

GRANDAD:

Eh?

JEB:

Grandad!

GRANDAD:

Hello, boy!

-16-

JEB:

What you doing here, Grandad? Nan kicked you out again?

GRANDAD:

Nah, boy, sent me out for some cheese but price had gone up hadn’t it. I went for a beer instead.

JEB:

She will string you up when you get back.

GRANDAD:

I doubt it, her back’s gone again.

TERRY:

How come he’s your Grandad, I thought we was all made in factories and suchlike?

GRANDAD:

Eh?

JEB:

Well, most of us lot were. Grandad here is of the first generation that actually bred!

TERRY:

What? How?

GRANDAD:

I shagged her.

JEB:

Grandad!

GRANDAD:

Gave her a good shagging, didn’t I.

JEB:

Grandad! That’s my Nan you’re talking about!

GRANDAD:

Right little goer she was. Right tasty bit o’ crumpet.

JEB:

Grandad, please!

-17-

GRANDAD:

Eh?

TERRY:

What happened then?

JEB:

What do you think!?

GRANDAD:

Had a cigarette and a cup of tea.

JEB:

Then, then, a while later my dad was born. Caused quite a stir. Government hushed it up.

GRANDAD:

Then he grew up and shagged your mum.

JEB:

Grandad!

CREDITS

-18-