Lost Bearings Episode One

LOST BEARINGS EPISODE ONE - BEARTOPIA by Marty Perrett

100A Southwell Road London SE5 9PG 020 7733 8362 07880 722399

SCENE 1. SOMEWHERE A TELEVISION IS ON

F/X:

NEWSREADER:

SOUND OF A NEWS PROGRAMME STARTING

In a statement released by the Government today, the public are urged not to panic as previously inanimate objects, namely stuffed toys, are moving of their own volition. This remarkable phenomenon seems so far limited to only toys of the stuffed variety which America has termed: The Stuffie Revolution. A Spokesperson for sentient Teddy Bears, going by the title of The Grand Edward, has debunked the theory in a statement to the Press earlier today. It is not a revolution, he claimed, rather: A Revelation. We are alive, we think, we move, we exist. He then goes on to request that they are just left alone to integrate into society and be given rights comparable to everyone else in human society. The Grand Edward has firmly denied that they pose any threat to people and just want to get along. He also advises that if anyone currently has any former toys in their homes that have revealed their living status to not attempt to attack or destroy them. Rather, sit calmly down and talk to them preferably offering a cup of tea and a sandwich. Possibly cheese and pickle.

TITLES

-1-

SCENE 2. EXT. STREET. DAY

F/X:

TRAFFIC SOUNDS – CARS PASSING BY

JEB:

Taxi! (PAUSE) Taxi! (PAUSE) Taxi! Gawd… Taxi-aaaa!!

PASSER BY:

Having trouble, mate?

JEB:

And the rest… Taxi!

PASSER BY:

‘ere… Taxi!

F/X:

JEB:

TAXI SCREECHES TO A HALT

Thanks very much! Nice to know there’s some good peoples out there.

PASSER BY:

No worries, mate, glad to help. They don’t make things easy for you Stuffies do they.

JEB:

You’re telling me! And don’t call us Stuffies, yeah?

PASSER BY:

Sorry… sorry, mate, no offence.

JEB:

None taken! Could you get the door?

PASSER BY:

Ah, yeah, sure…

F/X:

TAXI DOOR OPENING

-2-

JEB:

Cheers. Be lucky, oi oi!

TAXI DRIVER:

Where to?

F/X:

TAXI DOOR CLOSING

JEB:

Plumstead. You know that pub near the station?

TAXI DRIVER:

Right you are, yep.

F/X:

TAXI STARTS UP AND DRIVES OFF. SOUND OF TAXI DRIVING CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND.

TAXI DRIVER:

(BEAT) So… you’re one of them new peoples then? A bear no less.

JEB:

What gave it away?

TAXI DRIVER:

No, I ain’t being funny or nothing. Just saying.

JEB:

What? And don’t run the scenic route, yeah? I’m in a hurry.

TAXI:

Just saying you’re the first bear I’ve had in here. Had a giraffe!

JEB:

Oh giraffes can cock off. Bears are the predominant New Sentients and you haven’t had one in the fifteen years since The Revelation?

TAXI DRIVER:

Nope. Had a monkey though.

-3-

JEB:

Oh… fuck the monkey.

TAXI DRIVER:

(BEAT) I still remember that day, fifteen years ago. Remember it like it was yesterday. There was all that panic and all that.

JEB:

I’m eternally sorry. Next left! It’s quicker.

TAXI DRIVER:

You got a thirst on?

JEB:

What?

TAXI DRIVER:

Eager for the pub?

JEB:

What? No… no, I live above it.

TAXI DRIVER:

I bought loads of biscuits.

JEB:

You what?

TAXI DRIVER:

Fifteen years ago, said on the news to get some biscuits in didn’t it?

JEB:

Did it? I dunno…

TAXI DRIVER:

I got loads in just in case. Wife had a couple of bears see. Needn’t have worried. They just vanished.

JEB:

Shame.

TAXI DRIVER:

Had to eat all the biscuits myself. (BEAT) Bourbons.

-4-

JEB:

As wondrously fascinating as all that is, we’re here! Just up on the left there.

-5-

SCENE 3. IN THE FLAT

F/X:

TELEVISION ON IN THE BACKGROUND – SOME KIND OF WILDLIFE SHOW

JEB:

Terry? Terry?

TERRY:

Oh hello, Jeb. Did you have a good day and stuff?

JEB:

Bog standard. Listen, I’ve got to go out to a meeting, have you -

TERRY:

I’ve been well busy! I invented a new cheese.

JEB:

I’m in a bit of a hurry… a new cheese?

TERRY:

Yeah, it’s a hybrid new cheese what I made with Cheddar, Red Leicester and Stilton. I’m calling it: Chesterton. I’m going to melt it on some chips later and watch telly.

JEB:

Great. Listen, have you seen my best shirt anywhere?

TERRY:

Are you out on the pull again? ‘cause I remember the last time you did that, you woke up screaming the next morning didn’t you?

JEB:

I don’t know what you’re talking about.

TERRY:

And you was in the shower for ages!

-6-

JEB:

Terry! Shirt. Have you seen it?

TERRY:

Ah yeah, it’s that smart black one isn’t it. The one you got all fitted proper by that Italian tailor. He flogged you them shoes an’ all as I recall.

JEB:

Do you have a rough idea of the location.

TERRY:

Of your shoes? They’re on your feet aren’t they?

JEB:

Not the shoes, not the shoes! My shirt. Where is my shirt?

TERRY:

I spilled some Chesterton on it.

JEB:

You -

TERRY:

Don’t hit me! I’m only little.

JEB:

The only thing I have left is this T-shirt that has “Stuff This” written on it.

TERRY:

I like that one. Jeb, do you think if we make lots of money we can get some fingers attached or something? ‘cause nothing in this world caters for our stubby little paws does it.

JEB:

Very true, my friend, but soon all our problems may very well be sorted.

TERRY:

Yay! You off buying some fingers?

JEB:

No.

-7-

TERRY:

Oh.

JEB:

Remember me telling you about the meeting of the Bear Council?

TERRY:

I don’t even remember what I had for tea yesterday.

JEB:

Fifteen years ago I was invited -

TERRY:

Sausages!

JEB:

- to the first Bear Council meeting, held by The Grand Edward. I was young, reckless and surly back in them days. Grand Edward had just got back from a Press Conference but I didn’t care! I was sitting at the back, bored, helping myself to the beer. Little realising that my life was going to change, I was finally given hope…

F/X:

FADE INTO A CROWD OF BEARS CHATTING IN THE BACKGROUND

FLASHBACK - BEAR COUNCIL MEETING.

JEB AND TERRY ARE TALKING OVER THE FLASHBACK.

JEB:

There’s me over there in the corner, there’s The Grand Edward. There… Terry? Terry? Are you joining me in this flashback?

TERRY:

Sorry, Jeb, I got distracted. Clown Idol’s on telly.

-8-

JEB:

You what now?

TERRY:

Yeah, Clowns across the nation competing to become the new Biffo the Clown in an intense contest of intelligence and survival in a fight to the death.

JEB:

If I could just have a moment of your fickle attention. The Grand Edward is about to speak!

TERRY:

Sorry, Jeb.

JEB:

Shh!

TERRY:

I’ll be quiet!

F/X:

CROWD MURMUR AS THE GRAND EDWARD STEPS UP

GRAND EDWARD:

I’m ready… I’m ready… Attention! Attention everyone. Quiet please, quiet please. Hello!

F/X:

GRAND EDWARD:

CROWD CHEER

I have just returned, I have, from a very important Press Conference. I do believe we can co-exist with these human peoples at last!

F/X:

GRAND EDWARD:

CROWD CHEER

Pushing that aside for now though there is the rather more important, rather pressing, matter to attend to first. Beer and sandwiches are over there in the corner!

-9-

F/X:

GRAND EDWARD:

CROWD CHEER

Just by that surly looking bear there, already tucking in I see…

F/X:

GRAND EDWARD:

CROWD MURMUR DISAPPROVAL

Before you get feasting, my friends, I have something wonderful to impart. I wouldn’t dream of stealing anyone’s thunder though so I’ll hand you over to Cedric Armstrong. Our very own champion in the field!

F/X:

GRAND EDWARD:

F/X:

CEDRIC:

CROWD CHEER

Cedric, if you will…

CROWD MAKE ENCOURAGING SOUNDS

Thank you, Grand Edward. My fellows, my associates, my brethren, my friends. I bring you the best gift it is possible to give. I give you hope!

F/X:

CEDRIC:

CROWD CHEER

There is a place, a haven, an utopia for us. Legend is filled with stories of its glory. My friends I… I have been chosen to find this place, this utopia, this dreamland where all our kind can live free, happy and content!

F/X:

CEDRIC:

CROWD CHEER

I leave tonight to travel the world and find Beartopia!

-10-

F/X:

CROWD CHEER

FADE OUT OF FLASHBACK

JEB:

And there you have it, Terry. He left, he searched and now he’s back and he’s coming back tonight to reveal the secrets of Beartopia.

TERRY:

It took him fifteen years? Bloody hell.

JEB:

Yeah, well, he ran out of money. Took him a while to work enough to afford a ticket home. Want to come to the meeting tonight? It’s the big one!

TERRY:

No thanks. There’s a double-bill of Star Trek on later, been really looking forward to it.

JEB:

Well, suit yourself. (BEAT) Hang on a second, what were you doing with my best shirt anyway?

TERRY:

I needed it to wipe up the spilled Chesterton didn’t I.

JEB:

Well why didn’t you use a dishcloth?

TERRY:

I was wearing that as a hat wasn’t I.

JEB:

Terry, sometimes you make me despair so much I could puke. Right! I’d better go. How do I look?

TERRY:

Like you want to get stuffed.

JEB:

That’ll have to do. See you later! -11-

TERRY:

Bye, Jeb.

THE MYSTERIOUS ECHOING VOICE OF TEQUILA TERRY EMERGES THROUGH THE ETHER

TEQUILA:

Yes, little bear, you stay there and you watch the Star Trek, yes… tequila…

JEB:

What was that last bit?

TERRY:

What was what?

JEB:

Nothing, don’t worry, must’ve been the telly. See ya!

-12-

SCENE 4. BEAR COUNCIL MEETING – PRESENT DAY

F/X:

GRAND EDWARD:

CROWD MURMURING

Yes, yes, I suppose a lack of biscuits would enrage the working class. Hold that thought, Duncan, we’ve business to attend to.

JEB:

Here we go!

GRAND EDWARD:

Attention! Attention, everyone. Quiet please, quiet please, bees knees… For fifteen long years we’ve waited. For fifteen long years hope has burned within us all. For fifteen years we have prepared ourselves for our future. And now, at last, the future is ours!

F/X:

GRAND EDWARD:

F/X:

CROWD CHEER

Cedric Armstrong has returned!

CROWD CHEER

GRAND EDWARD:

Cedric?

CEDRIC:

Grand Edward.

GRAND EDWARD:

Tell us, Cedric, tell us of Beartopia.

-13-

F/X:

CEDRIC:

CROWD CHEER

My friends. As well you know I have travelled the world in search of the legend that is Beartopia.

F/X:

CEDRIC:

F/X:

CEDRIC:

F/X:

CROWD CHEER

Turns out it was a pile of bollocks.

CROWD ASTONISHMENT

Doesn’t exist. Never did. Sorry.

CROWD DISAPPOINTED

-14-

SCENE 5. IN THE FLAT

F/X:

DOOR OPEN AND CLOSE, SOUNDS OF STAR TREK ON THE TELEVISION

JEB:

Terry, we’re stuck here. Beartopia is a mythical pile of shit.

TERRY:

Hello, Jeb

JEB:

I’m going to take a bath.

TERRY:

Do you want a chip?

JEB:

No.

F/X:

BATH BEING FILLED FOLLOWED BY SPLASHING SOUNDS

JEB STARTS SINGING IN THE BACKGROUND AS TERRY WATCHES TELEVISION

F/X:

THE MUNCHING OF CHIPS

F/X:

SOUNDS OF THUNDER GROWING THROUGHOUT THE SCENE

TERRY:

Jeb? Jeb? I heard some thunder.

JEB:

Eh?

-15-

TERRY:

I think there’s a storm going on. Or perhaps some giants are having a bit of a kick-about.

JEB:

If it gets any closer just unplug everything.

TERRY:

Yeah.

TEQUILA:

Soon… soon, my counterpart I shall escape…

TERRY:

Jeb? Do you think it’s okay to watch a mirror universe episode of Star Trek during a thunderstorm?

JEB:

Eh?

TERRY:

‘cause I wouldn’t want a portal to open up and an alternate me to get out ‘cause that’d be awful wouldn’t it.

TEQUILA:

Heh, heh, heh… tequila, tequila… heh, heh, heh…

TERRY:

I don’t remember that bit.

ENTERING TERRY’S THOUGHTS

TERRY:

If I was the captain of a space ship I’d probably go to Jupiter and be on a mission to make it safe to walk on which would be really difficult because it’s made of gas isn’t it? I’d say, what progress? And my second in command would go, we’re just approaching Jupiter, Captain Terry. And I’d say, prepare to lay carpet tiles! And he’d say, but Captain, this is folly. And I’d say, how so? (TERRY/CONT'D OVER)

-16-

TERRY (CONT'D):

And he’d be, Captain, Jupiter is really bloody big and it’d take billions upon billions of carpet tiles to create a solid enough surface to walk upon Jupiter.but the problems don’t start there! And I’d be all, don’t question me, number two, we have a mission to do! And he’d be all, but, sir, even if we lay enough tiles no one ever walk upon them, the gravity would crush people if the radiation didn’t kill them first. Ah, but I’d say, oh I forgot to mention that they were high-tech tiles that adjusted any gravity to the standard 1-G, plus they come with a bonus anti-radiation cover as standard. Oh, he would say, well that seems to cover it. Then he’d pause and look at his feet and say, sorry I questioned you, sir. And I’d be cool with that because that’s the kind of captain I’d be.

LEAVING TERRY’S THOUGHTS

TERRY:

‘ere, Jeb?

JEB:

What?

TERRY:

How long do you reckon it’d take to get to Jupiter?

-17-

SCENE 6. SOMEWHERE A TELEVISION IS ON

F/X:

NEWSREADER:

SOUND OF A NEWS PROGRAMME STARTING

As severe storms are sweeping into the capital tonight, people are advised to unplug all electrical equipment immediately and on no account watch any science fiction programmes dealing with parallel universes or alternate realities. This is merely a precautionary matter to safeguard homes in the event of a direct hit by lightning. Also, taking a bath right now is probably a pretty bad idea.

CREDITS

END :

-18-