Jokes...amazing Jokes...

Poor kitty O.D.’d on catnip.

The ultimate horror movie. . .

Lego Superdome? Someone needs to get a life.

Now for some Jokes: A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned." The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would." He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!" The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

Q: What do Barbie and Britney Spears have in common? A: Both are blonde, brainless and made out of plastic. A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!'' The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

Madonna, Britney and Christina: Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony. Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says, "I'm going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy."

Not to be outdone, Britney ripped a $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying, "Look, I just made two people really happy." Not even noticing Britney's stupid move, Christina bragged, "Look, I'm going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier." At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."

How to Know if You're a Redneck Jedi 1. Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color. 2. You have used your light saber to open and cook a can of pork and beans. 3. You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth. 4. At least one wing of your X-Wing fighter is primer-colored. 5. There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder. 6. You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder. 7. You can easily describe the taste of Ewok. 8. You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks. 9. You think that the Stormtrooper Elite Guards are just KKK members with really good sheets. 10. A peaceful meditation session is one without gas. 11. You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not The Force. 12. Your master has said, ''My finger you will pull..hmmm?'' 13. You have had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard. 14. You have lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit. 15. The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters. 16. Wookies are offended by your B.O. 17. You have used The Force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial. 18. You have used The Force in conjunction with fishing/bowling. 19. You have used a light saber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer. 20. Your father told you, ''Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot.'' 21. You've had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to light a bar-b-que.

Clinton -vs- Titanic Similarities between the Titanic video and the Clinton grand jury testimony video: Titanic: $9.99 on the Internet Clinton: $9.99 on the Internet Titanic: over 3 hours long Clinton: over 3 hours long Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe

Titanic: villain - White Star Line Clinton: villain - Ken Starr Titanic: Jack is a starving artist Clinton: Bill is a B.S. artist Titanic: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar Clinton: Ditto for Bill Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined Clinton: Ditto for Monica Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit Clinton: Let's not go there Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry Clinton: Monica forced to return her gifts Titanic: Behind the scenes, Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular Clinton: Behind the scenes, Bill has a 70% approval rating Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary

Bush! While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate." Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am." "Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me." "Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?" Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course." Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you idiot, it's Tony Blair!"

Irishman: An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!"

And Finally: