Jokes
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21. When I got married I thought my spouse was the answer to my prayers. Which explains why I'm now an atheist. 22. I still have a severe identity problem. It all stems from the time I went to summer camp and on all my name tags my mother put 'OCCUPANT' 23. I didn't eat much this Thanksgiving. I was already fed up with all my relatives coming to dinner. 24. Was going to get in shape BEFORE the holidays but I have to wait. Pulled a muscle typing. 25. In fact, when I went to check out health clubs, I was asked to be in one club's ad - as "Mr. / Ms. WAY BEFORE." 26. They're coming out with a Putin digital watch. It doesn't have a big hand or a little hand, just a middle finger. 27. Yeah, Putin has got that certain something. And who knows, maybe someday they'll find a cure for it. 28. Dr. Reuben is finally publishing a sequel to his best seller called: "Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex, But Were Afraid To Ask Your Congressman." 29 Jimmy Carter is moving on. Since there's no longer any need for forced bussing, he's demanding forced brushing. 30. The slow speed of deciding who gets what in January has Nancy Pelosi in a tizzy. She's not sure if she picked up the Democrat transition timetable - or a DC Metro Bus Schedule.
November, 2008
01. My neighbor is not very civic minded. The only time he goes into a voting booth is to write graffiti on the walls. 02. He hates to be politically wrong. The day after an election if he backed the loser he just pastes the winner's bumper sticker over the one he has. 03. Enthusiasm for term limits is the result of voters getting tired of politicians doing to them what pigeons do to statues. 04. Equal rights for the sexes will be reached only when totally unqualified women occupy high positions of power. 05. You're getting old when you pull a muscle just thinking about doing what comes naturally. 06. Don't laugh at your driver's license picture. It's probably the way most of your friends think you look. 07. I won't say I'm a pessimist, but the only thing I expect on a silver platter is a waiter's bill. 08. In any and all endeavors, be positive. The world is your oyster if you are positive. Nothing, absolutely nothing, is more important for success - with the possible exception of being rich. 09. Another report showed that in 60 percent of all marriages, at least one partner had been threatened by the other with a dangerous weapon. With me, it was my spouse's food. 10. Dumb? His CPA told him he should have a tax shelter and he thought it was something to hide in when the I.R.S. agents came around. 11. Found a cheap way of getting a bird for Thanksgiving - electrify the bird feeder. 12. Going to go see Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade? Remember - New York is the
city of cash and carry muggers! 13. I'm going to eat Thanksgiving dinner at a very exclusive New York restaurant. You have to give three credit references just to pay in cash. 14. Some diets are just too hard - like the goats milk diet. The first week you drink only tins of goats milk. The second week does have a little more variety you get to eat the cans. 15. Did you hear about the guy who married for the hell of it? The rest of his life - that's what he had. 16. I liked Michael Richards' character on "Seinfeld." Remember the episode where Kramer made carrot soup and before anyone could eat it they had to peel it? 17. My spouse hates to cook because it brings back bad memories -- like the last time he/she set the kitchen table -- on fire. 18. My family loves sweets. Their idea of natural food is a cupcake without icing. 19. Eat? How many homes have a refrigerator with an express window. 20. My spouse just put our family on a health food kick. Can you imagine what it's like to drink carrot juice eight times a day? Already it's beginning to affect me. Every night my dreams start out with a Bugs Bunny cartoon. 21. When I got married I thought my spouse was the answer to my prayers. Which explains why I'm now an atheist. 22. I still have a severe identity problem. It all stems from the time I went to summer camp and on all my name tags my mother put 'OCCUPANT' 23. I didn't eat much this Thanksgiving. I was already fed up with all my relatives coming to dinner. 24. Was going to get in shape BEFORE the holidays but I have to wait. Pulled a muscle typing. 25. In fact, when I went to check out health clubs, I was asked to be in one club's ad - as "Mr. / Ms. WAY BEFORE." 26. They're coming out with a Putin digital watch. It doesn't have a big hand or a little hand, just a middle finger. 27. Yeah, Putin has got that certain something. And who knows, maybe someday they'll find a cure for it. 28. Dr. Reuben is finally publishing a sequel to his best seller called: "Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex, But Were Afraid To Ask Your Congressman." 29 Jimmy Carter is moving on. Since there's no longer any need for forced bussing, he's demanding forced brushing. 30. The slow speed of deciding who gets what in January has Nancy Pelosi in a tizzy. She's not sure if she picked up the Democrat transition timetable - or a DC Metro Bus Schedule.
October, 2008
01. Talk about a slow reader. He once had to follow a car for 60 miles just to finish reading the bumper sticker. 02. Cold? I opened up my "Playboy" and the Playmate-of-the-Month refused to drop her towel. 03. I'll tell you how outrageous they dress in Los Angeles. The "LA Magazine" just published a list of the Ten Best Dressed Women and one of them is a nudist! 04. Just read an article saying cockroaches were over 400 million years old. God! Let's just hope they don't find out about Social Security.
05. I didn't realize how much this credit crunch was affecting businesses until one store manager asked to see some identification at the register - and I paid cash! 06. There's a company working to provide inexpensive housing for those with mortgage problems. It's called HERTZ-RENT-A-TENT. 07. People always seem so impressed with the story of Jesus feeding the multitude with seven leaves and seven fishes. If they only knew how many people a fast food restaurant feeds with just one pound of beef... 08. When Orville Wright took his first flight the plane had - no stewardesses, no carry-on luggage, no in-flight entertainment and no in-flight meals. And you thought the Airlines' current cutbacks were new concepts. 09. I'm pretty sure the travel agent that booked Orville Wright's first flight also booked my last vacation. 10. I come from a very tough neighborhood. Sailors used to get mugged for their tattoos. 11. This election some campaigns are so dirty, in order to get to the voting booth I'm gonna need mud flaps! 12. Just saw an old movie on TV called BITE THE BULLET. I didn't know it was a Western. I thought it was a documentary on how to choose between the candidates. 13. Tuesday there was so much hot air on who to vote for, it blew a tree into my kite. 14. Not all election officials are created equal. Told one my voting machine was broken and he gave me a hammer and some nails. 15. Let's hope Democrats voted into office don't have an "alka-seltzer" relationship with their constituents. You know, head out together on a sea of change but quickly dissolve. 16. If some newspapers stopped publishing everything except the unbiased news, you'd be able to carry their morning paper in your wallet! 17. The Rolling Stores may be old but they can still rock. Their last concert got a ton of noise complaints from the locals and their only neighbor was a cemetery. 18. It's almost Christmas and it's so hard to find non-violent toys. Finally settled for the game - Uncle Wiggily's WWE SmackDown. 19. They're still fighting over Anna Nicole Smith's estate. The bone of contention is one of her old nursing bras. Her old boyfriend wants it in museum. Her mom wants to let a family of four live in it. 20. Madonna is shooting off her mouth about Sarah Palin so much lately - she was just rushed to a hospital with powder burns on her lips! 21. My mother was very surprised when I was born. All along she just thought she had a bad ulcer. 22. I went to a party once where the apartment was so small, everybody was a wallflower. (Delivery tip: This joke is a perfect example of the fact that in real life, a joke often can 'sound' better than it 'reads.' ) 23. One of fastest growing religions in the country is Wiccan. I went to one of their introductory open house meetings. Talk about wild! Where else have you ever seen "Pit and the Pendulum" played as a mixer? 24. I don't think of myself as having a drinking problem, but after six martinis (TWO BEAT PAUSE) I might have a walking problem. ( NOTE: The simple addition of a two-beat pause gives the joke a stronger punch. This is just one of the several aspects of the concept known as timing.) 25. Show me someone who believes the way to a man's heart is through his stomach and I'll show you a lousy open heart surgeon. 26. Many couples have found there's only one way to avoid household pests: Birth Control. 27. If one village idiot does it, it's stupid. If every village idiot across the country does it, it's a trend. 28. My son is majoring in political science. To learn how politics really works, each student had to bribe his way into the class. 29. Don't let this get around, but I've come up with a concept that could
revolutionize the way Congress is being run: honesty. 30. Iraq, the West Bank, Afghanistan, Pakistan, The Ivory Coast, Sudan, Iran... Today it seems as if the only place people take peace on earth seriously, is at Hallmark Cards. 31. Obama is seeking the support of MIDDLE America. He says he wants the potbelly vote. 32. Atomic Energy experts think Iran might have a nuke bomb now. When they went to Iran to inspect their nuke facilities, they saw a worm with a robin in its mouth. 33. Red China is surpassing the rest of the world in some areas. In fact the water is so polluted, water skiers have to use skate boards. 34. Roger Ebert says today's movies are so mediocre they're forcing him to go to porn flicks just so he can write a good review. 35. President Hugo Chavez says things are changing in Venezuela. Soon they'll be just like Saudi Arabia - where once a day, all will be able to pause, kneel and face the bank. 36. I think my boss is trying to tell me something. Just got my paycheck and it was wrapped in the want ads. 37. I would buy a new car if one thing was made optional - payments. 38. I test drove one car that was too safe. It not only buzzed me when I failed to fasten the seat belt but slapped me around for 5 minutes. 39. My teeth are so bad, I have to call my dentist for permission to chew! 40. My home town is so small, the main street wasn't paved - it was capped!
November, 2008
01. My neighbor is not very civic minded. The only time he goes into a voting booth is to write graffiti on the walls. 02. He hates to be politically wrong. The day after an election if he backed the loser he just pastes the winner's bumper sticker over the one he has. 03. Enthusiasm for term limits is the result of voters getting tired of politicians doing to them what pigeons do to statues. 04. Equal rights for the sexes will be reached only when totally unqualified women occupy high positions of power. 05. You're getting old when you pull a muscle just thinking about doing what comes naturally. 06. Don't laugh at your driver's license picture. It's probably the way most of your friends think you look. 07. I won't say I'm a pessimist, but the only thing I expect on a silver platter is a waiter's bill. 08. In any and all endeavors, be positive. The world is your oyster if you are positive. Nothing, absolutely nothing, is more important for success - with the possible exception of being rich. 09. Another report showed that in 60 percent of all marriages, at least one partner had been threatened by the other with a dangerous weapon. With me, it was my spouse's food. 10. Dumb? His CPA told him he should have a tax shelter and he thought it was something to hide in when the I.R.S. agents came around. 11. Found a cheap way of getting a bird for Thanksgiving - electrify the bird feeder. 12. Going to go see Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade? Remember - New York is the
city of cash and carry muggers! 13. I'm going to eat Thanksgiving dinner at a very exclusive New York restaurant. You have to give three credit references just to pay in cash. 14. Some diets are just too hard - like the goats milk diet. The first week you drink only tins of goats milk. The second week does have a little more variety you get to eat the cans. 15. Did you hear about the guy who married for the hell of it? The rest of his life - that's what he had. 16. I liked Michael Richards' character on "Seinfeld." Remember the episode where Kramer made carrot soup and before anyone could eat it they had to peel it? 17. My spouse hates to cook because it brings back bad memories -- like the last time he/she set the kitchen table -- on fire. 18. My family loves sweets. Their idea of natural food is a cupcake without icing. 19. Eat? How many homes have a refrigerator with an express window. 20. My spouse just put our family on a health food kick. Can you imagine what it's like to drink carrot juice eight times a day? Already it's beginning to affect me. Every night my dreams start out with a Bugs Bunny cartoon. 21. When I got married I thought my spouse was the answer to my prayers. Which explains why I'm now an atheist. 22. I still have a severe identity problem. It all stems from the time I went to summer camp and on all my name tags my mother put 'OCCUPANT' 23. I didn't eat much this Thanksgiving. I was already fed up with all my relatives coming to dinner. 24. Was going to get in shape BEFORE the holidays but I have to wait. Pulled a muscle typing. 25. In fact, when I went to check out health clubs, I was asked to be in one club's ad - as "Mr. / Ms. WAY BEFORE." 26. They're coming out with a Putin digital watch. It doesn't have a big hand or a little hand, just a middle finger. 27. Yeah, Putin has got that certain something. And who knows, maybe someday they'll find a cure for it. 28. Dr. Reuben is finally publishing a sequel to his best seller called: "Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex, But Were Afraid To Ask Your Congressman." 29 Jimmy Carter is moving on. Since there's no longer any need for forced bussing, he's demanding forced brushing. 30. The slow speed of deciding who gets what in January has Nancy Pelosi in a tizzy. She's not sure if she picked up the Democrat transition timetable - or a DC Metro Bus Schedule.
October, 2008
01. Talk about a slow reader. He once had to follow a car for 60 miles just to finish reading the bumper sticker. 02. Cold? I opened up my "Playboy" and the Playmate-of-the-Month refused to drop her towel. 03. I'll tell you how outrageous they dress in Los Angeles. The "LA Magazine" just published a list of the Ten Best Dressed Women and one of them is a nudist! 04. Just read an article saying cockroaches were over 400 million years old. God! Let's just hope they don't find out about Social Security.
05. I didn't realize how much this credit crunch was affecting businesses until one store manager asked to see some identification at the register - and I paid cash! 06. There's a company working to provide inexpensive housing for those with mortgage problems. It's called HERTZ-RENT-A-TENT. 07. People always seem so impressed with the story of Jesus feeding the multitude with seven leaves and seven fishes. If they only knew how many people a fast food restaurant feeds with just one pound of beef... 08. When Orville Wright took his first flight the plane had - no stewardesses, no carry-on luggage, no in-flight entertainment and no in-flight meals. And you thought the Airlines' current cutbacks were new concepts. 09. I'm pretty sure the travel agent that booked Orville Wright's first flight also booked my last vacation. 10. I come from a very tough neighborhood. Sailors used to get mugged for their tattoos. 11. This election some campaigns are so dirty, in order to get to the voting booth I'm gonna need mud flaps! 12. Just saw an old movie on TV called BITE THE BULLET. I didn't know it was a Western. I thought it was a documentary on how to choose between the candidates. 13. Tuesday there was so much hot air on who to vote for, it blew a tree into my kite. 14. Not all election officials are created equal. Told one my voting machine was broken and he gave me a hammer and some nails. 15. Let's hope Democrats voted into office don't have an "alka-seltzer" relationship with their constituents. You know, head out together on a sea of change but quickly dissolve. 16. If some newspapers stopped publishing everything except the unbiased news, you'd be able to carry their morning paper in your wallet! 17. The Rolling Stores may be old but they can still rock. Their last concert got a ton of noise complaints from the locals and their only neighbor was a cemetery. 18. It's almost Christmas and it's so hard to find non-violent toys. Finally settled for the game - Uncle Wiggily's WWE SmackDown. 19. They're still fighting over Anna Nicole Smith's estate. The bone of contention is one of her old nursing bras. Her old boyfriend wants it in museum. Her mom wants to let a family of four live in it. 20. Madonna is shooting off her mouth about Sarah Palin so much lately - she was just rushed to a hospital with powder burns on her lips! 21. My mother was very surprised when I was born. All along she just thought she had a bad ulcer. 22. I went to a party once where the apartment was so small, everybody was a wallflower. (Delivery tip: This joke is a perfect example of the fact that in real life, a joke often can 'sound' better than it 'reads.' ) 23. One of fastest growing religions in the country is Wiccan. I went to one of their introductory open house meetings. Talk about wild! Where else have you ever seen "Pit and the Pendulum" played as a mixer? 24. I don't think of myself as having a drinking problem, but after six martinis (TWO BEAT PAUSE) I might have a walking problem. ( NOTE: The simple addition of a two-beat pause gives the joke a stronger punch. This is just one of the several aspects of the concept known as timing.) 25. Show me someone who believes the way to a man's heart is through his stomach and I'll show you a lousy open heart surgeon. 26. Many couples have found there's only one way to avoid household pests: Birth Control. 27. If one village idiot does it, it's stupid. If every village idiot across the country does it, it's a trend. 28. My son is majoring in political science. To learn how politics really works, each student had to bribe his way into the class. 29. Don't let this get around, but I've come up with a concept that could
revolutionize the way Congress is being run: honesty. 30. Iraq, the West Bank, Afghanistan, Pakistan, The Ivory Coast, Sudan, Iran... Today it seems as if the only place people take peace on earth seriously, is at Hallmark Cards. 31. Obama is seeking the support of MIDDLE America. He says he wants the potbelly vote. 32. Atomic Energy experts think Iran might have a nuke bomb now. When they went to Iran to inspect their nuke facilities, they saw a worm with a robin in its mouth. 33. Red China is surpassing the rest of the world in some areas. In fact the water is so polluted, water skiers have to use skate boards. 34. Roger Ebert says today's movies are so mediocre they're forcing him to go to porn flicks just so he can write a good review. 35. President Hugo Chavez says things are changing in Venezuela. Soon they'll be just like Saudi Arabia - where once a day, all will be able to pause, kneel and face the bank. 36. I think my boss is trying to tell me something. Just got my paycheck and it was wrapped in the want ads. 37. I would buy a new car if one thing was made optional - payments. 38. I test drove one car that was too safe. It not only buzzed me when I failed to fasten the seat belt but slapped me around for 5 minutes. 39. My teeth are so bad, I have to call my dentist for permission to chew! 40. My home town is so small, the main street wasn't paved - it was capped!
