Issue 29

Building materials suppliers Hanson UK are proposing to close a kiln at their Castle Cement works in Ketton, mothball the Accrington brick factory and close their Swillington plant. The company has entered a period of consultation with all those workers affected. Brick sales have fallen 40% in the last 18 months Some 35 people at Ketton are at risk, while the mothballing of Accrington will cost up to 80 jobs. The factory will continue with a skeleton staff. The closures are down to the near collapse of the house building market, Hanson spokesman David Weeks told buildersmerchantsjournal.net. "We are a demand-led business. If we have noone buying our products then we cannot go on making them and still remain a viable business." The company will also be cutting shifts at other work sites. "Demand for cement has fallen 20%. Brick sales have dropped between 30 and 40% in 18 months," Weeks continued. There is a fine line between doing what is vital for the survival of the business in the short-term and ensuring that the company can react when the market picks up again, Weeks said. "We know it will return, the problem is that we don't know when and even the best industry commentators can't predict when the pick-up will begin." Hanson are investing in a new state-of-the-art brick plant at Measham in Leicestershire which will be the most advanced in Europe when it is 1of8

complete and will, Weeks says, enable them to meet market demand when it reappears. So that meant us and me, my works, my friends, really a third of my life gone… Its easier to say it using the companies’ words but everyone knew something was coming, the price of fuel for the kilns escalating even faster than the fuel for our cars. The fact that sales of bricks were dwindling because no one was building anything because no one can get any credit which is finally something to do with America and the printing of dollar bills. Personally I think “they” should just print loads more by investing in more money factories, you know ones that can print dollar bills really fast then there will be loads of money for everyone, but I don’t really think I’ve understood money and economics yet and most probably never will.

Despite my best attempts I cant seem to find anything about the history of the place, I know they built the place we use now around the time Mick “Alf” Brayford came just after The Second World War but I also know there was another one there before that and probably another one going well back into medieval times. I would guess there will be a super plant there at sometime in the future but I expect there is a lot of financial uncertainty to come, I myself reckon there has been some sort of cosmic shift in human consciousness, I reckon money is

becoming well worthless, just figures stored on a server somewhere. I told one of our company captains in high ranks above even N-man that maybe there money was safer being bricks on the yard, well its got to be safer than being in a bank! I have also put quite a number of vids, four new ones in addition to the ones already there about Sue leaving on YouTube, you can watch them all at my you tube site; http://uk.youtube.com/MPSchofield and then there is my blog at http://madmickstories3.blogspot.com/ and of course my main site at www.madmickstories where you can read about my depths of alcoholic life to my previous incarnation at Sellers Engineers and the newsletters I did for them in the late nineties. I highly recommend my main index at http://www.madmickstories.com/OldIndex.html which lists everything by name in chronological order. I don’t really know where I am going from here yet, I aint got a firm vision of it yet but I wouldn’t of minded working for the Elite Personnel Recruitment Specialists I went to visit I thought I was in heaven. Yoda always says the future is in motion… and it is its changing by our thoughts we feel today. Anyway that’s enough from me I now want to hand it over to Anakin… now then. its going to be a serious bit from me this month. Been a sad week this week for all of us here with the unfortunate news of us shutting down, once we all heard that a meeting had been called I think the majority were expecting a 3 month lay off so when the news finally came that it was going to be permanent it shocked a few. (Not as big of a shock as The Baby Face Assassin turning up last week without a tash) I am the person who has been here the shortest time and I’m going to miss the place so I can’t imagine what its like for the rest of you. It’s going to be weird walking out of here that last day knowing we won’t be coming back, its sad. The banter we all have here is one off we wont find this again in any new jobs so let’s make the 2of8

most of it and take the f***ing piss out of each other for the last month ha only joking. Some great people here (even the manager’s aren’t that bad ha-ha) and that dopey git in the office on the front desk always keeps the fun going and makes people laugh, yes Mad Mick that is you. Its going to be weird for all you guys who have been here 10, 20, 30 and even 40 years which is quite an achievement lads so be proud of yourselves for that!!!!!

there has been so many funny times I have not got enough time to write them all down The time with turkey up on the setter with "told donkey" is up there with the best, plus some of the bull shit Father Bell or dopey comes out with, I think he is trying to convince his-self half the time with some of the stuff he comes out with. From the time Sue (Marci’s lover) tried to kill me by hurling a few kitchen appliances at me, don’t think she liked my opinion on her cooking but oh well. The Christmas parties were hilarious with the older lot getting shown up by us younger lads, Badger losing his coat, choky with chalk all over his face and pegs all over his clothes to

smiths getting an eye full of Nak’s daughter in China 2 years ago ha. Would just like to clear one more thing up for Arthur Daley as well regarding Christmas parties I found you at the chippy and I did not walk there with you, you was already there asleep slumped up outside the chippy wall, people was walking past him and throwing lose change in his direction Its come at a good time for rubber has the redundancy because he was running out of excuses he had to go back to the start of his list of reasons to go get a sick note. Would just like to wish Mr Blobby good luck in his new job in the role of the hippo of the silent night advert, good luck bob, we should all take a leaf out off workaholic bobs attitude to work because surely from the millions he has won on poker nights in the beach in Skipsea he could retire but the lad has decided to work.

The Children’s TV Presenter has decided what he is doing; he is going to push dead bodies around in the morgue, good luck The Children’s TV Presenter So thanks Anakin, so has I start turning off my systems and databases and start applying for jobs I think its easy now, you just upload a CV on to one and write some sort of cover letter, plenty of help if you Google either. You then upload these and fire them off but be careful when sending multiple copies though I sent my first ten with “referances” spelt wrong. Then another batch I sent resulted in a posh lady looking for a directors PA and asking me about my typing speed, I politely told her I was real slow and made loads of mistakes. She politely said she wouldn’t be taking my application any further this time but wished me lots of luck.

Redundancy Word Search ADVERSITY AGENCIES BABYFACEASSASSIN BARIUM CHILLI CITIZENADVICE CRYING CURRICULUMVITAE DEPRESSION GOALS GOODBYE HIPOPERATION INTERVIEWS JOBSEEKER LITTLEGENERAL MELDREWWELDING NEWBEGGINING ONIONBHAGI PEPPER PODON POOR POSITIVEATTITUDE REFERANCES RESUME RETIREMENT SAINBURIES SAMARITANS SEVERANCEPAY SEXYTASH SICKNOTE SKINT SUICIDE TESCOS TITANIUM TODDYBUSKING UNDERPANTS UNHAPPY

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All over a Missing Salt pot

Jokes Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'you’ll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy’. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, Shoite, Shoite! He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. 'Bi-Jesus.... I'm fockin’ focked,' he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. 4of8

He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed.' He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'. Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?' 'Mick phoned . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about, ‘Was the other Indian crazy or what?' The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us. Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening. The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!' He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might

Statistics Wk Com

Produced

Sold

Trans

Stock

27,648

18,401,268

25/Aug

355,460

257,000

01/Sep

456,192

328,890

18,583,160

08/Sep

450,432

247,980

18,734,072

15/Sep

458,496

216,324

18,947,212

22/Sep

453,120

181,276

19,133,464

29/Sep

419,796

225,076

19,332,324

The continuing decline in sales is still obvious; no sudden increase is on the horizon to save the day P ▲ ▲ > ▲ > ▲ ▲ >> ▲ ▼ ▲

L 8 6 3 20 5 16 19 NE 12 7 27

T 1 2 3 4 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Sep-08 Name Harry Potter Keith Chicken Stumpy Tim Terapin Wurzel Jason Rudge Hotpot Trevor / Dixons Ian Archers Deuce Bigalow Bruce Forcythe

Total 136,393 79,628 49,341 47,624 45,553 28,492 28,376 22,952 20,792 20,756 20,206

Harry Potter is our No1 driver this month easily but during the year to date for 2008 he holds steady at No3 with a total of 670,079 bricks shifted. No1 for 2008 was of course Stumpy with 989,686 and Wurzel was close in his shadow at No2 with 829,554, no doubt having lost a couple of loads due to being banged up for the hammer incident which Harry Potter told everyone about. Harry said he shed a few tears when he heard about the demise of The Lost World especially when he was at the time watching my nostalgic videos on you tube.

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Sales 2007

Se pt

Au g

Ju ly

Ju ne

Ap ri l

M ar ch

M ay

Sales 2007 vs Sales 2008

2.00 1.80 1.60 1.40 1.20 1.00 0.80 0.60 0.40 0.20 0.00 Ja nu ar y Fe br ua ry

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!' With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read........... You'll like this NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

Sales 2008

Looking at the graph above there is a slight increase during the month of September; maybe there could be salvation for us after all? The most bricks shifted during a day while I have been at The Lost World were on 8th August 2008 with a total of 213,768 but this was helped by the transfers to Waingroves, the highest in actual sales was 1st March 2007 with 160,978 Last mth > 1 > 2 ▲ 5 ▲ 22 ▲ 7 ▲ 21 ▲ 18 ▼ 6 ▲ 24 ▲ 12

pos 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Name 73 Class B 73 City Mlti 65 Golden Brwn 65 Riding Rus 65 Victorian 65 Red Rustic 73 Farmhse Brwn 65 Rydale WC 65 Red SF 65 Farmhse Brwn

Quantity 261,120 135,552 74,128 55,144 50,624 43,844 40,320 39,324 38,420 37,968

The best selling brick this month was of course The Class B with “Ridings Rustic” being the highest climber and this is where I will leave the statistics and indeed a era of Brick making at Swillington which stretches back into the realms of the distant past when there wasn’t so many health and safety laws and companies could breathe more easily. So what’s next oh yes with all the talk of CV’s going on myself, The Beast and Billy Bull have worked hard together to produce this example

and might prompt some ideas for you to do one of your own at home…

Personal details Name: Pauline Andrea Morton Address: 64 Back Passage Close, Clachuddersfax Date of Birth: 6/6/66 Nationality: Jedi Marital Status: Single (No Offers) Driving License:Full (Mucky) UK Driving licence

Education & Qualifications I left school at 16 to learn life in the real world becoming a free lance investigator of substances that can change ones consciousness. I then managed to blow myself up on my motorbike and spend 13 weeks in Pinderfields Burns unit, during that time I was educated by angels what the afterlife was like and learned astral travel by Dripping Tap my personal guardian angel. I then started watching Star Wars quite a lot and got a job at Sellers a local engineering works which my dad worked for which prompted me to start writing a silly newsletter for them, during my 9 years there I had one son called Luke to a girl who was strong

Watching wildlife, Grave Rubbins, Men possibly women, my dog, pork pies, lamb curries and ball room dancing

Referees Excellent communication skills Dolph Lungren who I love so much what a big hunky feller The N Man who reminds me of Simon Cowell

So the end has finally arrived, I must admit having only been at The Lost World 3 years I don’t feel as much of the nostalgia that some must do, I mean Alf has worked here for a staggering 47 years, there wont be many in the future who will top that record. I think the thing I will miss most is the banter, I have had some great laughs here and I reckon the person I will miss most has got to be old Oswald Cobblepot, I even approached him about remaining in contact and the possibility of coming to his house for dinner say every alternate Sunday. Sadly Oswald doesn’t share my affection and refused point blank to even entertain the idea.

Interview with Baby Face Assassin

with the force called the Ice Queen, here I learned a lot about biology and psychology. I went completely nuts at the turn of the millennium and suffered my second knock on heavens door but was kindly rescued from the abyss by a kind strong minded lady called The Welsh Windbag. Oh no that’s me, sorry, No Education Sorry

Work Experience Marshalls / Hansons, Just enough to get by 2 years on streets of Chapeltown (after dark)!!

Hobbies, Interests, Skills Excellent communication skills

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I was born in Israel on the 18th day in April of the year of our lord 1959 and I moved to Garforth near Leeds when I was very young. In 1983 I started work in the Yard at The Lost World and was initially working with Kenny Wallace and Trevor Monks, these two individuals showed me the way, they

introduced me to the ways of the force and I took my first steps into a much larger world. Back in them days I had hair and had just started work growing my sexy tash, eventually I had to leave my kindergarten behind and move inside the works while all the dingly dongs were on the B shift. Over the years at Swillington I think things have changed, I mean things do change, that’s what life is about, some things however remain the same, when I first started here I was told about the imminent arrival of a brand new factory, some 24 years later and guess what we are still waiting. Before I started work here I had quite a number of jobs, I was in the brownies, I had a nice paper round and I used to do a bit of welding but it kept burning my sexy tash so I retired from work and came here. I reckon my best memories while I have worked here was when I opened a tin of beans for the legendary Sue and in return she gave me {CENSORED} and a full breakfast for free and on that same day Claude Greengrass bought rubber a carton of milk, though I don’t know what the last statement has to do with anything My worst memory has got to be changing on to day shifts, Oswald Cobblepot having his hip operation and losing my sexy tash. My best mates here are and always will be Claude, Riddeon (who is going to be a policeman) and of course reliable rubber because I spend more time with them than anyone else and I am always carrying them. The person nearest to me are Dan (Anakin) and Bob “Rolfie” Smilie who are busy arguing as I write this about Chilli and pepper, apparently the other day Rolfie put pepper on Anakins breakfast knowing full well he doesn’t like pepper, anyway to get his own back Anakin filled the pepper pot up with Chilli powder and this condiment Rolfie put a plentiful amount on his breakfast this morning and the subsequent bickering has been continuing for some time. My Foreman is Father Ding Dong who I reckon is a slack dopey git, in the past I have had Ernie Capper and Nigel Haines, the thing I like most about my foreman is when he is away on 7of8

Holiday and the thing I dislike most about him is when he is at work. If I won the lottery tomorrow, first I would hire a hit man then go on a spending spree, take our gaz and our mel away to buy a new bike to annoy Billy and The Beast with. I would buy a big house in the country in Wales and a new car and then I would buy a pub and employ rubber robbo. Life after Death, this is it isn’t it, here at The Lost World and yes my nicknames are “The Sorcerer Of The Labels Paradox”, “Rico”, “Ime” and my favourite “Baby Face Assassin”. Music oh I love Floyds “Another Brick In The Wall”, “Comfortably Numb” they are my two favourite songs, I like The Ronnie Song, I like ABBA, Madonna, Kylie, Boyzone, Pondlife sorry Westlife, and The Cheeky Girls. My hobbies are Motorbikes, horse riding, DIY, Gardening, I feel honoured to say I have the best garden on the row, but I have had a few problems with the council and the other day I had to write a letter to them because I aint got my brown bin back yet. I am married 25 years and loving it and I have children my duties here at Swillington are* the only lad on dehacker who is awake and am the main cover on the setter, I also like to think I am a really nice chap and keep those around me happy. *was written before “Judgement Day” hence here would of probably said “were”. So that’s it then, the end or is it? Some have mentioned a final Jungle Telegraph to have some closing words for many do not feel free to express themselves yet. If this does occur and I guess that depends if anyone comes forward with things to say, so finally we get to the gossip and well Has anyone ever noticed that everything has gone crazy since they switched that big bang machine on, all the money has become well not safe, to have because where can you put it that it can be safe, why not buy bricks? Only they haven’t and has a result we are closing, Arthur Daley was the first to be headhunted and got two interviews the first at Milgarth police station and second is at Heathrow customs and excise. Pod on and Billy

Bull are looking for volunteers for their “Full Monte” stripper club. Even old Oswald who had endeavoured to get back to work on the day when the news was announced and having just had his bionic rhino hip installed has sent his CV off to the headquarters of Big Issue Sellers UK. It was that day that one of the men from the higher echelons of the company shrouded from my view by clouds gave me 5p, but he said that the 5p was symbolic. Stumpy told The Office a great Joke to try and make us feel better, he said, There were these Irish, Australian and Liverpudlian blokes and they see Jesus in a pub and they each buy him a pint, anyway after presumably drinking his beer Jesus shakes each by the hand… The Australian makes a miraculous recovery from the bad back he is having and can not believe it! Next the Irish man who is crippled with MS was miraculously cured after being next to shake Jesus’ hand. The Liverpudlian backed off exclaiming “F***off I’m on disability”, something like that though it broke the ice on our sombre state as did when the farmers dog appeared in our yard and someone suggested it should have eyeviz, bumpcap and glasses. We eventually got our “at risk” letters 4 days after we were told that the factory was shutting of course we could put two and tow together and work out we were at risk of redundancy. And even though I try and live in the moment Victor Meldrew says we will arrange to have a reunion for the three peaks walk next year on the same day that they run it, which will be good, here have you heard about the blind man who did a bungee jump, he thought it was great but his poor guide dog sh*t himself. I have tried my best to offer my CV typing service and have so far only had offers for my free service from the most desperate of individuals such has Oswald, Father Bell, The Farmers Dog and Gandalf. Sales have continued to dwindle, one day when I asked Arthur what we had sold and he replied 400 Labert and 200 regal, which made us all 8of8

laugh, so we were all well aware of the precipice.

Ojibwa Prayer Oh Great Spirit, whose voice I hear in the winds And whose breath gives life to everyone, Hear me. I come to you as one of your many children; I am weak, I am small, I need your wisdom and your strength. Let me walk in beauty, and make my eyes ever behold the red and purple sunsets. Make my hands respect the things you have made, and make my ears sharp so I may hear your voice. Make me wise, so that I may understand what you have taught my people and The lessons you have hidden in each leaf and each rock. I ask for wisdom and strength, Not to be superior to my brothers, but to be able to fight my greatest enemy, myself. Make me ever ready to come before you with clean hands and a straight eye, So as life fades away as a fading sunset, My spirit may come to you without shame.