10-29-08 Issue

The Davidsonian

The Real Perspectives Section

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

7

Diwali Festival of Lights Induces Epileptic Seizure

See page 3

Registrar Smiles

See page 3

Barack Obama endorses the Yowl.

October 29, 2008

The Davidsonian

Dow Jones Party Causes Court-wide Panic: “Get up, get up, and get down” theme deemed worst since Depression

realized books lure students to literary evening See page 10

Parents without PCC stickers kicked out of court party

See page 7

Convocation attended

See page 4

Davidson Show gets $30,000. seriously. See page 6

At Convocation, Earnest Girl Wins Most Likely to Be Satirized in Next Week’s Yowl For her diligent service to so many charities we pretend to care about, for all the mittens she has knitted for kittens, and for all the other good things she has done, we present this week’s Jeffrey R. Yeakel Most Likely to be Satirized in the Yowl Award to senior Betsy Fogleman.

Hackneyed joke See Yo mama

Your Davidson Honor Section

Editors: Dan Killian Alex Hoyt Contributors: Mark Danforth Peter Bruton Note: The Yowl is a satirical supplement to The Davidsonian. Hence, nothing in it should be taken as truth. Word.

With a 3.97 GPA and 4.0 friends, senior Betsy Fogleman was a shoe-in for this year’s award. Her sophomore year she organized a campus-wide sleep-outside night to promote homelessness awareness. Blah, blah, blah, yaddah, yadda, yaddah. Three years later the fluffy service work hasn’t stopped. Congratulations, Betsy. You’ve earned it.

was then vetoed by risk manager Leroy Stevens at 12:33 a.m. when it became apparent that neither party was sober enough to drive the quarter-mile to the local Exxon station.

Davidson social scene. “Will we have to drink punch? Will the Outpost raise quesadilla prices again? Will my father finally love me?” questioned dazed sophomore Tyler Kaplan.

Party Level

Two large, bouncy, fully-

There was mass confusion on the floor. Papers, frantic shouting, strange hand signals. What had started four hours earlier with hushed tones and vague speculation had turned into the blackest night in Patterson Court history. By the time the lights came on 32 cases of beer and countless good memories had vanished from the Sigma Nu fraternity. For the last 45 minutes the music was extremely sporadic, as students swayed their bodies awkwardly, unsure of what would come next. “I was just getting into M.I.A.’s ‘Paper Planes’ when a Creed/ Nickelback remix came on.” commented Jody Kellogg ’09. “Good God. What can you do?” At 12:30 a.m. fraternity bartenders Steve Hoogland and Owen Zinaman began to vote on a $70 beer-bailout. The plan was passed at 12:31 a.m. but

10:00pm 11:00pm 12:00am 1:00am

A graph of party energy level versus time. As beer ran out and music became more erratic, partiers panicked. Within hours, parties around the world were in a frenzy.

Frustration, then panic coursed through the dance floor. Partiers feared the decision would imperil the party as well as the broader

Across the Court at Pi Kappa Phi and other fraternities, as treasurers began discussions about how to avoid a similar fate, nervous guests

How to Talk About Your Unique Semester in [insert country here] I spent last semester in [insert country—if your listener is well traveled, name a place like Djibouti, where the Capital is also Djibouti]. I chose a [insert unselective Midwestern university] program because I wanted a [unique, alternative, unchallenging] adventure. Plus, when’s the next time I’ll be able to goof around in [Rio, Florence, Darfur]? While you were losing sleep over Davidson classes, I was losing my [summer savings, mind, religion] at really cool [discotheques, rave parties, soirees, tribal sacrifices]. The relaxed schedule gave me plenty of time to explore the local [culture, women, hashish]—if you know what I mean. [Insert provocative gesture]. One night we went [clubbing, slumming, samba-dancing, yodeling] in the center of the city. Those [French, Swiss, Swahili] go out much later than Americans. Even though I remember the [club, beach, ghetto, mountain-top] being only a short [metro, taxi, tram, rickshaw] ride away, after fourteen shots of [limoncello, sambuca, firewater], I had no idea how to get to my [apartment, hostel, adobe hut, mistress’s penthouse]. The only [French, Portuguese, Sanskrit] phrase I knew was

[“Don’t shoot,” “Three beers,” “Do you have herpes?”], so instead of asking for directions I walked until I saw the [embassy, obelisk, arc, prostitute].

Clockwise from top left: the soccer match/riot/execution; that local; something cultural; a pretty girl. Don’t be fooled, I did some cultural stuff as well. I went to the [parliament, national gallery, fish market] and the birthplace of [Mozart, Cezanne, Tintin]. [If your audience challenges you, remind your listener that he or she, in fact, did not go abroad.] I also went to a [soccer match, riot, ritualistic sacrifice]. Now that was an experience! Abroad was a blast. I learned a little, and had a lot of fun. Coming home, I felt not only privileged, but unique.

poured out from every possible exit. At Appalachian State parties sank in size by an average of 15%. In Tibet, where they do not even have fraternities, even more young men turned to monastic life. Although the crash has affected parties at univerities and colleges across the nation, some analysts are saying this is in fact the best time to party. According to NPR fratologist Robert Gillespie, “With nobody on the dance floor or at the bar, cheap beer and hot girls should be easy to come by. That sure beats hot beer and cheap girls. In times like these: party low, study high.”

Timeline of Events

12:30am - Vote on $70 beer- bailout begins. 12:31am - Vote passes, 2-0. 12:33am - Bailout vetoed by Risk Manager.

Baseball: The Only Pursuit in Life Where It’s Acceptable to Fail 70% of the Time

Cleveland Philips is a temporary, disgruntled contributor to the Yowl. He cannot be reached at any email address or telephone number. Baseball. Our national pastime, one that promotes tobacco, pinstripes but most of all, utter failure. Why do we continue to create role models who have the success rate of the No Child Left Behind Act? If you ask me, it’s bad for our children. My kid came home with a 45% on his addition quiz last week and couldn’t stop smiling. “That’s better than even Manny would’ve done on that test, Daddy,” he said. Does that send the right message to our youth? Is it okay that Jeter Jr. is batting .350 in Pre-Calc and still thinks he’s going to make the honor roll? Furthermore, in what other facet of life are you presented with three clear chances to not screw up? “Oh, no honey, I don’t mind that you slept with her. Just don’t do it two more times.” So in regard to my relationship with a sport that rewards one’s ability to observe someone else screwing up four times, thank you, but I’ll find a different way to pass my time.