Issue 28

A Word from Our Leader Well another month has gone by and the market still shows no signs of recovery, Boris (The Russian) has been to see us and I begged him to withdraw his troops from Georgia but it has all fallen on deaf hears. I have been consulting with the other works managers to hit the Russians with a major and I do mean major leaflet campaign, that will show them Back to Swillington and there are numerous posters round the works asking people to be trained as safety leaders, I still have not got any volunteers so I will ask again if anyone is interested please contact me. It has been a great privilege to have had Adam here who is going to university in China very soon after passing his A’levels, I myself have had many “eyebrow” discussions with him about chemistry and in particular the low melting point of Gallium metal. We also have the first part of the new sophisticated Jingo computer system up and running and Mad Mick is entering the orders now on to the live system, further down the road the Jingo system will automatically count the pallets of bricks as they come off the belt and this will go straight down to the central computer at Chipping Sudbury. When Oswald Cobblepot comes back from his Rhino hip operation we are going to have to 1of6

make sure he doesn’t walk past the scanner since it could mistake him for a pack of bricks and cock the system up. Also the count of production will knock off stock the quantities of raw materials required to make them and when stocks run low the system will automatically order more sand, barium etc from a contracted supplier. Ultimately a new despatch system will be added to the Jingo system which when wagon drivers come they will be issued with a special pass at the gate and this will be slotted in at the side of a special box what the wagon drives through. The wagon will be automatically loaded by robotic forklift trucks which never get tired, complain about losing there hair or go on the sick with clubfoot. Instead of all the men sat on seats watching the machines around the factory there will be just one man watching a bank of cameras. The few men who remain, i.e David Zinis, Walter, Father Bell and Gary Rubber will be turned into cyborgs with jingo chips hardwired into the neural pathways of there brains. Oh and finally I forgot to mention that Neil “Rhinos” Chamberlain paid his debt of two Mars Bars the next day unlike the last Cas fan (Twinkletoes) who I had to wait three days and Pod On who still has yet to give me his. So well thank you to Alf for keeping the works running efficiently when I am not here, Father Bell for doing all the stock take adjustments and Oswald Cobblepot for giving us all a bit of piece

Oswald speaks Well since I had my accident I have been sat at home staring at 4 walls watching “Underneath The Hammer”, “House In The Country” and “The Jerramy Kyle Show”. The Fridge Freezer Blew up, my bed collapsed and that old hat stand I once wrestled with because I was drunk and thought it was a burglar has moved out. When I was in hospital I was bathed by a 20 year old blonde called Ashley and I just got your newsletter, what’s all this about Gary Rubber eating a daffodil bulb, is it true?

My wife thinks you are quite a few bees short of a hive but here I have missed you really… [Mr Oswald Cobblepot gives Mad Mick a cuddle]

Gossip

So what’s happened during the month of August, well it was a month when the deal to ratify “Fox n Fell” fell through, yes shock horror and Dennis “Victor Meldrew” Fox has pulled out of his joint venture at “Tina’s” because Subways are moving into the neighbourhood which in Victors words “I do not feel that the time is right at the moment due to an excess of competition moving into the area, though I am leaving my options open”. Victor admitted that he was once working near Nak’s shop and he had a few muffins but forgot to pay for them, he admits it was just a small error on his part, the job was completed and he was away. Victor also recently booked a flight on Zoon to go away for his holidays, he also paid a surcharge for extra legroom even though he is so small he plays, Grumpy, one of the seven dwarves at The Lost World Christmas Pantomime. 2of6

Victor upon hearing that the above information had been leaked to the media said Nak will be the first in the queue to book extra belly room and his lass needs to always sit to the left of him, while China well they ask him at the airport how long he is going home for. Victor says he shouldn’t really be pulling down Nak because he picked him up Wednesday morning after he broke down, he thinks Nak expected payment in money but he will have to settle for a Gary Baldi biscuit instead. Victor and Nak have known each other a lot of years, in fact they used to go to school together and Victor used to Bully Nak by throwing bits of paper at him in class, little did they know then that they would go on to become lifetime friends Talking of Nak, he told us in the office how he helped an old biddy with Alzheimer’s the other day who had got lost and was wondering along the hard shoulder of the M1 with her little bag, strangely he didn’t tell anyone out in the shop about this incident. Victor said “are you sure he wasn’t him having a delusional problem, he generally tells all of us in triplicate, maybe he dreamt it” Our leader has been absent from The Lost World quite frequently just recently and a whole host of conspiracy theories have come down the grapevine but the Jungle Telegraph can exclusively reveal that our leader, Mr Lardner has taken up Snow boarding at a place called Mount Sorrow in Northamptonshire with Gary Rubber who he says is made of parts that John West rejects. Marcy who has got a new pseudonym of “Frankenstein” told me a joke the other day which he said had kept him awake laughing the other night, he said “There was these two old biddies in a church and one said ‘I have done a silent fart’, the other said’ put your hearing aid in’” Stumpy who was once a lumberjack at a mushroom farm also wanted a joke adding, There are 2 rats in a sewer called Burty and Bob. Burty says to Bob “Whats for Tea”. “Sh*t” says Bob

“We had Sh*t for breakfast, sh*t for dinner now we are having sh*t for tea”, exclaims Burty. “Cheer up we are going on the p*ss tonight” says Bob Pod On has been into the office moaning he has no mates with Blade being off sick he is now doing the work of four men, so he didn’t have time to fill in his questionnaire for this newsletter. Pod On says he is a quiet lad and doesn’t really like being in the limelight and everyone to know his business but he adds, his son who also works at the Lost World takes after his mam and isn’t too bothered about gossiping. In fact I asked quite a few people this week to complete the interview, Gimler, Pod On, Dolph among others but they all declined so in desperation I had to get surrogate interviews started, that is interviews done by a mystery person on someone else’s behalf. Darren “Father” Bell who has started his new season again at snooker, he lost his first match 4-6, this was against one of the title favourites who was relegated from the B league last season, Captain Bell though did win his first game but wasn’t so fortunate at his other hobby Golf. According to Bob “Mr Blobby” Jolley when he was on the golf course he had a “Basil Faulty” moment and started talking to his golf balls which were hiding in some bushes. Captain Bell keeps telling of times in the past when the dispatcher would have to cope with wagons queued right down the road and weekly sales well in excess of 1 million per week, this is the job I now do (amongst others) and we are lucky to see a quarter of that at the moment. The finger has started popping up unexpectedly again in the office bogs washbasin, it pops out of the plug hole and has even been known to do rude gestures at people, anyway this time it has started haunting Badger who is working temporarily in the office doing Oswald Cobblepots job. The first time “Fred the Finger” popped up Badger was in a state of shock but now he is getting quite acquainted with him and doesn’t bother too much. 3of6

Badger has also been testing our cleaners by leaving bits of litter such has small bits of plastic on the floor of the drivers foyer to see if they get picked up, we are wondering if this is a special mission given to him by our leader Dolph. Talking of rubbish and a large quantity of fly tipping was done one night over near the Klygester, Nak went out and put his Inspector Clueso head on and found a receipt amongst the rubbish which was to a gentleman named “Craig Bailey”. Mick “Alf Garnet” Brayford has been a lot less niggly during August, he has also been on a trip down to Dartmoor to visit his old chums and share some cucumber sandwiches. Our leader did some excellent impressions of Alf… Picture a load of old men in flat caps with false teeth… how are you old buoy, how are you Reginald, hows your hyacinth, Dolph calls them the Oighty Toighty Crew. Finally I must say thankyou to Duncan Clubfoot and Arthur Daley for bringing me some sweets back from their respective holidays and Ime with the sexy tash for helping me solve the labels mystery.

JOKES A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks'. The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.' Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing ith his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train please remember to take all of your belongings with you.

We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.' She hears the little boy continue, 'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.' As the mother began to smile, the child added.......... 'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen.'

Interview with Nak (by Victor Meldrew) Name: Nak DOB: 4/4/1944 My name is Nak and I was born in Chernobyl (Russia), I started work at The Lost World in 1966.which I was a trainee mechanic, I will be so glad when the training has finished there must be more to life than kiln cars and dryer cars. Over the years I have been here at the lost world its gone from being a brick factory to being a holiday park, I mean come on! Before I came to work here I worked on a Ghost Train scaring kids and has a beach ball at Whitby and my best memory is nearly getting made redundant. I think my worst memory is missing out on my redundancy, just think of all that money now. I reckon my best mate has got to be Den Fox because I told him to and my other good mate is Albert Steptoe (Jeff Shaw). 4of6

I reckon Den Fox thinks I’m very ugly with a huge head and a fat belly (The Little C.N.). My foreman is little Micky (The General), when I first came to the Lost World little Micky used to smile more and have a full head of hair. I reckon the thing I like most about little Micky, well… If I batted for the other side I could find him quite attractive for an older fella and size is very important. The thing I dislike most about him is when he looks at me with those big cow eyes and it makes my knees go weak. If I won the lottery I certainly would not carry on working there, I would concentrate on my sandwich empire and buy out Greggs. Do I believe in life after death? Well of course I do, I have been brain dead for the last… well since I started here really My nickname is … N… a… k… Nak and I would prefer not to say My fave music has got to be well Elvis Priestley, due to the fact we look quite alike. My hobbies, ohhhh in my spare time I just love to butter slices of bread, I like any bread really, white brown, brown bread, crustless, one with bird seed on it… I just love bread. Yep I am married to my lovely wife and have three fantastic kids who I love very much. My duties at the lost world, well I am general dogs body, to sum it up I get all the jobs that no other pill*ck wants and I am fed up to the back teeth, so start giving me a little respect and stop giving me all the crap to do… Thanks very much.

Statistics Wk Com

Produced

28/Jul

442,368

Sold 257,00 0

Trans 138,240

Stock 18,640,24 8

YTD Grn ▲ -256564

▲ ▲ ▼ ▲ ▼ ▲ ▲ ▼ ▼ ▼ >> ▼

13 3 1 10 2 11 9 4 8 7 NE 6

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

With 2 million bricks being transferred to Waingroves and over half of these during August a lot of hauliers we don’t see so regularly have been involved. D&A who are at No1 are really unfairly positioned there since it was a number of anonymous drivers and not just one person like Crowman at No2. Wurzel falls to No5 due to an incident with a hammer as reported by Harry Potter who drops to No8. Other news is that Hotpot who is at this weeks No20 is leaving Dunnets so sadly wont be seen again. Lt mth > 1 > 2 ▲ 22 ▲ 15 ▲ 11 ▲ 17 ▲ 13 ▼ 7 ▼ 4

5of6

Top 20 For Aug 2008 pos Name 1 73 Class B 2 73 City Mlti 3 65 Cream Sm 4 65 City Mlti 5 65 Golden Brn 6 65 Rydale WC 7 65 Victorian 8 65 Derwnt WC 9 73 Golden Brn

Quantity 1,257,984 113,280 64,184 61,472 54,240 42,940 41,132 41,132 35,712

Sales 2007

ly

Au g

Total 165,888 156,672 142,576 129,024 128,880 74,984 66,020 60,548 59,137 57,656 41,794 39,224

Sales 2007 vs Sales 2008

2.00 1.80 1.60 1.40 1.20 1.00 0.80 0.60 0.40 0.20 0.00

Ju

Aug-08 Name D&A The Crowman Stumpy Nick Howe Wurzel Keith Chicken Deuce Bigalow Harry Potter Dino Archers Trevor Archers Stopcroft / Rodney Ian Archers

The best selling bricks this month sees a huge jump by Cream Smooth to No3, the Class B score includes the transfers to Waingroves.

ne

The above statistics shows the diminishing sales throughout August with the “Trans” column illustrating the bricks shipped out to Waingroves. With a total of 3 million Class B’s now taken down there our stock levels are starting to increase once again.

33,900

Ju

▲ -140284

65 Man Red

ay

27,648

10

M

355,460

▲ -142324

3

Ap ri l

25/Aug

101,376

▲ -145988

▼

ch

464,524

▲ -183828

ar

18/Aug

525,312

18,402,19 9 18,106,98 8 18,253,81 2 18,401,26 8

M

467,712

377,856

br ua ry

11/Aug

328,89 0 247,98 0 216,32 4 181,27 6

Fe

467,328

Ja nu ar y

04/Aug

Sales 2008

Looking at the graph above doesn’t say too much in the way of good news with a sharp fall in the actual number of bricks sold in August, these figures do not include the bricks transferred to Waingroves

Interview with Pod On (by Anakin) Name: Pod On DOB: 25/6/1900

My name is Pod On and I was born in Jamaica, I came to England when I was 12, I started at The Lost World in 1951. I started work on the Auger which is where the clay is mixed and moulded into bricks, before I started at the lost world I did not do a right lot apart from my duties in World War II and World War I, in between the wars, I just tossed it off. I guess I have a few good memories while I have been here, one is of Don falling over, Nak nearly getting run over and Kev just being his slack, dopey, normal self. Oh my worst memories have got to be Sues breakfasts, it was always crap unless Marci sorted her out. My best mate here is Gary Robinson, Rubber, we always have a laugh weather its at work or in the pub, he’s a good lad is Gaz. The person nearest to me as I write this is Don and he thinks I’m a complete tw*t. 6of6

My foreman is that big round bloke with a bald head, a bit of a wobble and a ginger beard. Can you remember him in the early days? Yes What do you like most about your Oswald Cobblepot? Ermmmmmm… Nothing What do you dislike most about Oswald Cobblepot? Ermmmmmm… Where do I start If I won the lottery tomorrow I would split it evenly down the middle and give half to my wonderful, great son Anakin, and other half to … Bradford Bulls then carry on as normal. Life after death, well it would be a bit like living after you had died I suppose. My nickname is Pod On and it was made up because Oswald once said I had “Pod On” about something and Mad Mick on despatch thought it was funny and started putting it in his newsletters. My favourite singer is Peter Kaye and the song was “Show me the way to Amirrillo”. I like horse riding, cutting my grass, line dancing, singing, jogging, going to gymn… can you tell? Are you married? Yes Describe your current duties at The Lost World? No Comment. Hey can I say Hello to some friends while I am on, thanks… Nak; what a bloke, Mad Mick; Dodgy, Daz; Dopey, Bob Smilie; never smiles, Kev; F*ck it bud, Nick; Golfing Buddy, Gaz Robbo; My drinking buddy, Billy and Sean; The Annoying Twins, Don; Legend goes on a bit; Billy; No Comment… Thanks