Issue 22

Car Park Sign for New Factory

A Word From Our Leader (er well sort of…) With Mr Lardner currently otherwise engaged at a very important (as always) meeting and Mad Mick waiting to publish the latest Monthly Magazine I thought I would step in and help out a bit. I would just like to start off saying thank you for your patience and help with the health and safety men around well done. I would also like to say a big well done to Kev, Badger and Dan for their help in the driers and also the Auger lads helped slightly but not muck, only joking, Billy, Sean and Terry deserve a big well done too. {Plus Den, Chris & Colin ML} I have recently heard Mr Lardner and Mr Brayford would like to challenge Mr Bell to a round of golf because the are fed up of him bragging in the office that he is always beating a not very talented Nick “Dougie” Hunter and Robert “Blobby” Jolley. Mr Lardner wants to apologise to you all for waking you all up early the other morning when the earthquake struck. It was his fault as earlier that day he had fallen over up in the quarry and the earthquake was a delayed reaction. Keep up the good work lads… 1of6

Interview with Ian

Ball

My name is Ian Ball and I was born on 3rd September 1962 at the side of Wakefield Road Swillington. I started work at what was then Armitages Brick in April 1979 and my job was clearing the bottom rows of bricks off the kiln cars after they had been dehacked. I did this job for few years and then was transferred to the Pan House which grinds all the material ready to make the bricks where I have worked for the past 20 years. When I first started there were twice as many men working here at Swillington and there was some great characters old and young. Armitages was a family run business and really looked after their workers, it was a sad day when Marshall’s came along and took over and then made half the workforce redundant. Now the future does look brighter under Hanson’s. I left school to start work here at Swillington but when I was a young kid I used to help out at a pig farm and when I was fifteen I worked part time at a supermarket but my favourite job was milking cows that was great fun! My best memory while here at Swillington was playing for the works football team, they were a great set of lads, my worst memories was when Marshall’s knocked a shift off and made half of the work force redundant and more recently the sad death of Geoff Whitely. I think my best mate at Swillington has got to be Dennis Fox because I think he is so grumpy and old that he makes me feel f**king great plus he

does own a van and paid for all my beer at Christmas. I reckon Dennis should be henceforth known as Victor Meldrew. Deirdre is the nearest bloke to me as I write this so I will pass you over to him for his comments about me… Hi its Deirdre here, the infamous agony uncle with my own column in the Jungle Telegraph, I also am the kiln car repairer, driver, chauffeur, garage mechanic, gossip queen etc. Well what do I think of our mate Ian here, er well he has got ears and a set of teeth like a thoroughbred and I bet he was a donkey in a past life Both my foremen have now left the company, my first being Ernie Capper, who was Terry Cappers brother and then Nigel Haines, my boss now is Oswald Cobblepot who I think is quite easy going, in fact he will do anything for a chocolate bar. The only thing I dislike about him is that he shouts too much down the telephone line, here, I hear he is going for that operation to fit a Rhino hip soon. I think if I won the lottery I would buy Swillington Works off Hanson’s and work as many hours as I wanted. I think I believe in life after death, what I think it would be like depends on which way I went up or down, I think hell would be stuck on a desert island with just Bob Smiley telling jokes. My idea of heaven is probably sat outside a pub on a sunny day on top of Pen-y-Ghent overlooking the Dales with Mick Lardner and David Zinis. My nickname is Chocky, after my old faithful hound who I doted on and practically went everywhere with me when I wasn’t working, she was my companion for 17 years. I have also been referred to as “The Gollum”, off the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, I have no idea where that name came from but apparently it was that pathetic “Sméagol” creature that was possessed by stealing the ring from Frodo Baggins. My hobbies include walking in the countryside, fishing and a little golf when I get the time, my favourite singer has got to be Elvis, The King.

My current duties at Swillington are working (sleeping S Todd) in the pan house, cleaning and maintaining, plus I cover driving the loading shovel. I am also T&G Senior Shop Steward for Swillington and have been representing the men for over 20 years. Starting from school at sixteen I have seen a lot of changes at the factory, I have had the pleasure of working with some great guys past and present and on the whole I have enjoyed working at Swillington. Over the years I have had many laughs here, I could write a book listing all the funny tales. One of the funniest things I saw was when I was in the showers getting undressed; the guy next to me was known as “Swing Low”, anyway this particular day one of the lads called Peter who had been on the sick walked to work with his dog to bring his sick note and then gone down to the showers to wait for us getting ready so he could get a lift home on the works bus. It just so happened that Harry had stripped off and was bending over to remove his socks when Peter entered the showers with his dog Sandy. Now it had been a really cold frosty day and Sandy the dog had a very cold shiny wet nose that just seemed to be attracted to Swing Low now being a bit slow Peter let the dog go over to Swing Low where it gave him a really good sniff and must have touched his behind with his nose. Swing Low who had not seen the dog coming nearly jumped in his open locker with the shock of it and it took him a moment or two to get his breath back before he gave Peter the biggest bollocking (excuse the pun) threatening even to kill Sandy the dog. This was just one of many golden moments I have witnessed over the years. The only bit of gossip I have heard recently concerns the real reason we are being made to wear our Safety Glasses. It is rumoured that due to Deirdre’s expanding waist line the last button on his overalls could fly off at any moment and take somebody’s eye out. This could be disastrous for people with only one eye like Dennis Fox.

A Word from Daniel 2of6

Well it’s a long time since you all heard from me, since last time, we all went out for a Christmas drink, or two, or three, maybe ten. The younger generation once again showed the older end up and how to drink properly, set of old [CENSORED] they are. Lee “Riddion” Ruecroft almost got put in hospital by Levy the Kippax Tramp / Bin man. Levy smells and dresses really bad and I don’t think that Levy appreciated Lee being quite so honest. Levy referred to Lee as “The white haired little prick” which is not true anymore because he is now “The bald little prick”. Once again Mr Blobby failed to turn up. Ian Ball (a.k.a. The Gollum) was really bad in 2006 but Andy Smith (a.k.a. Arthur Daley) in 2007 even bet Ian Ball. I left Roth well club to find Andy laid outside the fish shop 500 yards down the road and he didn’t have a clue where he was. That was a funny sight. Ian Ball had a washing line peg stuck to him half the night and Badger and Nak went early this year before they showed themselves up. I would like to wish Johno a speedy recovery from his nasty accident. Darren Bell is still as dopey as ever, the other foreman, Oswald Cobblepot is still hobbling around doing his own work and the work of Daz. If anyone knows any good snooker coaches please send them to Darrens house because he is sh*t. I would also like to welcome back on to days Mr Bob Jolley (a.k.a. Mr Blobby) he still has some training to do to become qualified in the yard. With Johno been off it means the 3 amigos has turned into just two amigos with Robbo and Rico still going strong. Both Smith twins are now on a diet and already they are both doing well both down to 18 stone 3of6

which is a big improvement on the 21 stone they started on, well done boys. Until next time… ceya!!!! Xxx

GOSSIP

Oswald Cobblepot our green brick manager here at the lost world went for his Xray yesterday ready for his imminent operation, although Mr Cobblepot clearly gave instructions that cameras should be banned while he was transferred to the operating table we managed to sneak one of our reporters in. Oswald is due to be having a hip operation and a kind Rhino was the donor who died of a heart attack but was luckily carrying a donor card, he is also reported to be having a electronic implant as well so that his brain will be able to communicate with the new supercomputer which will control the new plant. After the operation he has been told he will need a plentiful supply of WD40 and his brand new hip will come complete with a little grease nipple, anyway we wish him the best of luck with his imminent operation. With the arrival of the new plant, you will notice that demolition signs have been placed round the vicinity of Naks garage, Nak who last month was reported to have swallowed a Wok, was on holiday while the signs were erected, also while he was on holiday I have just got reports in from Dennis that a strange car was photographed in his drive.

On the subject of Nak says Dennis, he was doing a job at the butchers next door to Naks shop the other week and has still not paid for all the buns, cups of tea and cakes that Nak supplied him with before he did a runner. Other news this month, Badger has been complaining about huge one foot long turds blocking the sewers and is looking for their owners which he has narrowed down to coming from the office toilets which are haunted by that finger which keeps popping out of the plughole, the case continues. Don Fox is complaining about the people he has to work with up at the Quarry, he says Ian Lund is miserable to work with because he always has pod on and Bob Smilie hasn’t smiled in 40 years, he added that he has had no further reports from the devil worshippers who keep breaking into the house down the road.

It seems that the carpet under Oswald Cobblepots chair is disintegrating, experts cannot find a reason for this since the manufacturers claim that our office carpet is very resilient to extreme abuse and a whole variety of chemicals. However it seems his feet odour and the shear weight on his chair has totally destroyed the carpet immediately in the vicinity of his chair has the adjacent photograph illustrates On a final note Mr Brayford is very upset that he didn’t tell everybody about Mr Ploughrite recent passing away especially David Cossins who popped in on the 29th February (the day we on salary don’t get paid for) to take the p*ss out of Oswald Cobblepots hip

DARRENS SNOOKER REPORT 4of6

The Swillington Social Club A team was taking on Castleford Liberals B team both members of the lowest D division in the Castleford and District Snooker League on Valentines evening of 14th February 2008. On the morning of the fifteenth of February it was noticed by Steve Todd (aka Oswald Cobblepot) that Darren his good mate had the pod on and was mumbling under his breath about substandard lighting. Prompted if he wanted to talk about what was troubling him he said we lost 10 / nil last night and he was looking on eBay now for some night vision goggles so that he could see to the other end of the table. Oswald suggested that he might be better off complaining to the league about it adding that it would be surely the same conditions for the opposition. Darren said that they were at home and was all well prepared and used to the conditions having eaten substantial quantities of carrots when they were younger. The case continues.

Where are we heading? The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints; we spend more, but have less; we buy more but enjoy it less. We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgement; more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; We've added years to life, not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor. We've conquered outer space, but not inner space; We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul; we've split the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less; we plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait; we have higher incomes, but, lower morals. We build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies than ever, but have less communication; We've become long on quantity, but short on quality. These are the days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes. These are the days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw away morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. Where are we heading....? If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family we left behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.

JOKES Gynaecologist’s Assistant A man goes into the Job Centre in St. Helens, Liverpool and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist’s Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more "Can you give me some more details about this" he asks the man behind the desk. The Job Centre man sorts through his files and replies - "Oh yes here it is: The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynaecologist" "You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital 5of6

regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynaecologist’s examination. There's an annual salary of £75,000, but you're going to have to go to Glasgow, That's about 200 miles from here." "Oh why, is that where the job is at?" "No sir - that's where the end of the queue is!" The Day Centre It was entertainment time at the Day Centre for the elderly and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, 'unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience.' The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. 'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.' He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ....' The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. 'Sh*t,' said the Hypnotist. It took three days to clean up the Day Centre Two blondes walk into a building... you’d think at least one of them would have seen it. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home" The doctor says "That sounds like Tom Jone's syndrome" I said "is it very common?" He said "...It's not unusual." A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at

him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy" What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!" Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other off. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore" Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night Q. What type of animal can take hundreds of people for a ride at one time A. A racehorse A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." Next Month: My Life at Howley Park (Part 1) plus usual interviews, jokes, aimless twaddle etc…

STATISTICS ▲ ▲ ▲ ▼ ▲ ▼ ▼ ▲ > >>

6of6

55 3 8 1 10 4 5 39 9 NE

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Name Weary Willie Stumpy Shadrack Keith Chicken Harry Potter Tim Terapin Alf Garnet Ian Archers Bruce Forcythe Dino Archers

Total 136,048 119,354 93,149 88,117 78,172 76,088 43,448 30,008 28,028 25,664

▲ ▼

14 6

11 12

Blackbird Piggys Friend

21,504 19,612

After a close fought battle throughout the month of February Weary Willie ousts Stumpy from the top of this months charts, Weary Willie who commented to our FLT driver Gary Smith that is a wonder I haven’t been smacked yet is awarded this months driver of the moment award. Week Com 21/01/2008 28/01/2008 04/02/2008 11/02/2008 18/02/2008 25/02/2008

Produced 439,264 475,504 475,504 429,064 453,888 451,959

Sold 216,628 194,368 309,796 349,880 411,376 278,180

Stock 18,040,948 18,322,084 18,493,224 18,572,408 18,614,920 18,788,699

During February 2007 we sold 1,562,274 bricks whereas this year we have sold 1,403,183 which brings our annual total so far to 2,435,261 sold compared with 2007’s 2,989,102 down 19% L mth ▲ 2 ▼ 1 > 3 ▲ 12 ▲ 9 > 6 ▼ 5 ▲ 18 ▲ 15 ▲ 17

pos 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Name 73 Class B 73 City Mlti 65 Man Red 65 Rydale WC 65 Victorian 65 City Mlti 73 Farmhse Brwn 65 Farmhse Brwn 65 Red Rustic 65 Selected

Quantity 330,240 123,264 98,084 70,060 65,540 62,376 52,992 46,556 43,844 43,568

After its brief unusual stay of one month at the top Class B engineers retakes its pole position from City Multi 73