Issue 20

Hey I remember the good old days when I started here working at Swillington, far in the distant past when employees here knew what real work was. When I started work at Swillington it was before television, before penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, plastic contact lenses, videos, Frisbees and the Pill. I was working hard shovelling long before radar, credit cards, split atoms, laser beams and ball point pens; before dishwashers, tumble driers, electric blankets, air conditioners, drip-dry clothes...and before man walked on the moon. Back in those days we got married first then lived together (how quaint can you be?) I reckon many of the problems today stems from the breaking down of the basic family unit I

A Word from Our Leader Well gents it’s the last Jungle Telegraph of the year and we’ve had a few highlights, Kevin and Don reaching 40 years service, Sean buying his new car but buying some stickers to make it a VTR and you got to laugh when Sean bought a new ignition for £100 for his Kawasaki and didn’t need one then tried to sell it on ebay but only raised £7.50! Billy cleaning the chrome on his motorbike and the bike disintegrated, Lee with his attempt of being a lady boy and The three peaks challenge team that raised nearly £2000 for charity. All that’s left is to say a big thank you to Michael Schofield for producing the “Jungle Telegraph” and making it a must read for many people not only at Swillington. And thanks for all your continued support and efforts throughout the year, making Swillington a happy and safe working environment which has not gone unnoticed by the hierarchy when visiting the works. Also a big thanks to the management team, who have worked hard to keep the works on track and within the budgets. So all that is left to say is have a safe and merry Christmas and a happy new year to you and all your families.

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remember in those dim and distant days we thought 'fast food' was what we ate in Lent, a 'Big Mac' was an oversize raincoat and a 'crumpet' we had for tea. We existed before house husbands, computer dating, dual careers, and when 'meaningful relationship' meant getting along with cousins, and 'sheltered accommodation' was where you waited for a bus. I was sweating on the kilns before day centres, group homes and disposable nappies. We'd never heard of FM radio, tape decks, electric typewriters, artificial hearts, word processors, yoghurt and young men wearing earrings. For us 'time sharing' meant togetherness, a 'chip' was a piece of wood or fried potato, 'hardware' meant nuts and bolts and 'software' wasn't a word. Hey back in them times 'Made In Japan' meant junk, the term 'making out' referred to how you did in your exams, 'stud' was something you used to fasten a collar to a shirt, and 'going all the

way' meant staying on a double decker to the bus depot. Indeed back in them days I often was so tired from all the hard work that I was regularly woken up by the bus driver back at the bus station Pizzas, McDonalds and instant coffee were unheard of. In our day cigarette smoking was 'fashionable', 'grass' was mown, 'coke' was kept in the coal house, a 'joint' was a piece of meat you had on Sundays and 'pot' was something you cooked in. 'Rock music' was a grandmother's lullaby, a 'gay person' was the life and soul of the party and nothing more, while 'aids' just meant beauty treatment or help for someone in trouble. How times have changed over the years, but in some ways, yes a lot of ways things have got worse, we stuck together back then, we had to in order to survive and here at Swillington I have seen so many managers come and go, so many changes that I cannot even begin to count. I think over the years I have learned many words of wisdom and many many lessons but if I was to sum it up in a single sentence I would say “Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools like our author here speak because they have to say something” So all I guess I have got left to say is to wish you all here a very merry Christmas and a happy new year.

joined by Kippax best mates Rico, Jonno and Robbo. Now last year Keith “Wheres My Coat” Sawyer and Ian “How did I get home” Ball along with Graham “Nak” Fell couldn’t keep up with the early pace the younger generation set last year so good luck old men for this year, it will only be faster. As for Bob “Bullsh*t” Jolley, he thinks he is going to push us all the way to the end, got three words for you Bob … Not A CHANCE! 2007 has been a good year so well done everyone hopefully in early 2008 we will have some good news about the new plant so fingers crossed. I would also like to say well done to Don Fox on completing 40 years here, well done Uncle Don and I echo everyone’s sentiments in having such a great, inspiring, fantastic manager called Mr Lardner, have a good Christmas everyone! At the start of 2007 Daz was as slack as a bag of cheese and onions crisps and guess what he still is now ha-ha Look forward to seeing everyone on Friday including half a meter peter!.

Daniels Christmas Message Well Christmas is more or less here and everyone is now in the Christmas Spirit apart from Kev who hasn’t realised what time of year it is, it’s a problem called old age, its not Kev’s fault poor Kev… I would just like to wish everyone a merry Christmas and a very happy 2007, it is now just a week away till its Gaz Smiths round on Friday 21st, cheers Gaz. I hope the old lads put up a better challenge this year to out drink myself and Lee, and this year in Swillington we are 2of7

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he. "I don't understand," he complained to God. "I devoted my entire life to my congregation." "Our policy here in heaven is to reward results," God explained. "Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?" "Well," the minister had to admit, "some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time."

"Exactly," said God, "and when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed wake, they even prayed." Lying in the hospital bed, a dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak. The priest, keeping watch at the side of his bed, leaned quietly over and asked, "Do you have something you would like to say?" The man nodded to the affirmative, and the priest handed him a pad and pen. "I know you can't speak, but use this to write a note and I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just outside." Gathering his last bit of strength, the man took them and scrawled his message upon the pad which he stuffed into the priest's hands. Then, moments later, the man died. After administering the last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife. After consoling her a bit, the priest handed her the note. "Here were his last words. Just before passing on, he wrote this message to you." The wife tearfully opened the note which read: "GET OFF MY OXYGEN HOSE!!"

Interview With Billy Bullshit I have had quite a few jobs before coming to work at Swillington, on one notable occasion, I volunteered for the Samaritans, a suicideprevention helpline, only to resign after one day when five people committed suicide after talking to me one of whom had dialled the wrong number and only wanted the cricket results it was an event dubbed "Lemming Sunday" by the newspapers I also earned two swimming certificates: one Bronze Swimming Certificate, and one Silver Swimming Certificate - BSc and SSc respectively - to which I often make reference to on my official correspondence in lieu of any actual qualifications. My deepest ambition was to be become an officer in the Space Corps but sadly this never occurred and I ended up here hand packing bricks with Billy The Nose and Trevor Blackneck Sherwood. 3of7

Over the years the grass in front of the canteen has become a much richer shade of green, plenty more bunny rabbits can be seen playing in the grass at the other side of the road, Health and Safety has gone totally O.T.T. and both the canteen and management staff have got rounder and heavier. One of my best memories while working here was the time when Father Bell rubbed a mintoe round a part of his anatomy to enhance the flavour and gave it to Rhino to eat, to which Rhino did I hasten to add and when he found out he asked him to do it again because it tasted better. I guess everyone says that over the years Mick Brayford has got smaller and Steve Todd has got fatter but I reckon that really they are exactly the same shape as when I started here. If I won the lottery well would I continue working here…? That’s a toughie, don’t talk flaming daft Mick I would go travel and see the world! Life After death, well I worry about one world at a time so I will let you know at a later date, seriously yes I think I do and would like to return as the gusset in a pair of Kylie Minogue’s Pants or maybe a toilet seat in a ladies lavatory. My nicknames are Billy Bullsh*t because I live permanently in some sort of fairy story world and am always talking a load of cobblers even my wife has christened me Billy liar, I also am referred to has Billy Elbows though not as much now-a-days. I was called Billy Elbows because a few years ago I was famous for leaning on objects with my elbows rather than working, its not as true now a days because I am more often than not found hard at work crouched over completing the suduko puzzles.

My favourite music is S Club 7 and I loved that Mr Blobby Song, My hobbies include the occasional work as a fluffer on porn films and riding my motorbike and I used to be married until I found out my wife was a man. On a final note I would like to add that Dennis will be very busy at this time of year because he plays the 3 dwarfs in this years panto again at Rothwell he plays all three of them Dopey, Sleepy and Grumpy, well I guess that is enough from me

ADVERT Brand New Kawasaki Ignition Switch from Premier Motorcycles, not even turned. I bought a new ignition because a wire broke in my old one, it cost £100 but happily I managed to resoldier the wire back in my old one so I didn’t need it, I tried to take it back to Premier but they wouldn’t accept it, then I tried eBay but it didn’t make my reserve price, in fact it only raised £7.50 so in desperation I have turned now to the Jungle Telegraph. If anyone needs a new Kawasaki ignition switch please contact me Sean Ruecroft.

being followed. I also have meetings with the

Works Management to ensure that Quality Improvement Objectives are being planned and that these move along in a timely fashion. I also conduct Internal Audits and am liaison to BSI when they conduct there External Audits. Management reviews finish the control/review loop and ensure we comply fully with our registration. Quality is one of the most important aspects of running our business. Without our ISO9001 registration we would have no business. Our customers demand the highest quality product and without our registration this would not be possible.

Rocking With Daniel Fairhurst Despite what Michael calls me (Ian Sharpe? Phil Collins?) My name is Dan Fairhurst. I’m the Divisional Quality Advisor-North. I travel around the 7 northern Brick sites (Accrington, Caernarfon, Claughton, Kirton, Howley Park, Stairfoot and Swillington) and help them stay Quality focussed and registered to British Standard ISO9001. This usually involves checking the systems that are in place are relevant, useful, working and are 4of7

On a personal note, I’m 37, married, and have 2 wonderful kids. Morgan who is 13 and Natasha who is 10. I also play guitar and teach it. I currently have 12 students. I’m also in a band called Cree Nation and we are going into the studio before Christmas to record our first CD. I think we are going to be massive I like to think we have a sound of our own but we mix our love

for indie and rock and folk and you may just catch a hint of soul too but as it said on our direction confirmed we will be playing blues rock, if you want to have a listen to our music you can find us on our exclusive website at http://tiny.cc/fliS0 We are Cree nation based in Mansfield, Nottinghamshire, we mix our love for different music into a style of our own. We've posted some acoustic and electric songs so far that we have recorded with new equipment so the quality is better. it is just JayJay and Dan on the page at the moment but the whole band will be on there soon with re-workings of the songs that are on there and new songs also. Dan is an awesome guitarist. So now where do Cree nation go from here. We have confirmed our direction and that is a blues rock type edge that i think suits all our styles but we won’t rule out doing some different types also.

Gossip Its starting to feel a bit Christmassy round here now, Mick Brayford is humping about loads of bottles of whisky, wine, sherry with his sleigh bells on his shoes, Steve Todd is practising for his part in Cinderella as the pumpkin and Father Bell is writing his Christmas Sermon. All the old Christmas records, "Fairytale Of New York", "Merry Christmas Everyone" and "Last Christmas" decorate the airwaves. I enjoy Christmas though, after all without it there would be a long, long winter from September to March but we never seem to get the snow we used to. Yesterday afternoon Steve Todd went to the toilets and came dashing out with his panties round his knees and his arse in the breeze after hearing a scratching noise coming from under the cubicle, we suspect that the finger which haunts these parts was up to his old tricks again. Also Yesterday Mr Lardner got lost on the plant after leaving a trail of breadcrumbs which were devoured by Heltels pet Squirrels, it seems he used breadcrumbs because his sat nav had broken

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I seem to be leading the unhappy face list this month by 5 to everyone else in the office having zero, The Unhappy face list was the brainchild of our beloved manager Mr Lardner after visiting Swillington Nursery where toddlers learn what’s right and wrong by being awarded unhappy faces on a chart for there misdemeanours. So far I have black marks for running out of Manchester Red labels, asking Gary to leave out 4 packs of Class B bricks instead of Jewson Class B bricks, I faxed an order to myself instead of the courier which meant the customer had to wait an extra four days for delivery, I then sent the wrong courier for one of the samples and he came in a little van for three tons of bricks, and finally I forgot to change one of the drivers loads from 14 packs to 12 resulting in Gary our FLT driver getting stranded in the mud near the quarry. Today we have all filled our personal details in for their records, even the number of Mars Bars we consume in a day which in Steve Todds case amounted to double figures and too much for the little box provided on the form. Steve Todd then sent all his private details to Australia and in them indicated he might

consider a transfer to Munich if our new owners were willing to kit him up with leather trousers. Father Bell got a bit confused and started writing in his previous employment all the paper rounds he had as a little boy and run out of space in the children box, other than that everything is okay here, I wish you all a very merry Christmas.

Tales From Gandalf This month as a change from our usual “Dear Deidre” and at David Zinis’s request I have brought you Tales From Gandalf I hope you enjoy it! Today I want to talk about walking, it is indeed a wonderful form of exercise and there are so many places to go now-a-days, one of my favourite walks is along the old Pickle Bridge Railway branch line which passes quite near where I live in Brighouse. This line was first promoted in 1846 by the West Riding Junction Railway but 27 years was to elapse before the L&Y received authority for their scheme and even then it was further delayed by an uncooperative landowner resulting in the construction of the totally unnecessary and massive Wyke viaduct. Bailiff Bridge lost its passenger service as a wartime economic measure in 1917 and Clifton Road was destroyed by fire in 1931. Subsidence caused Wyke viaduct to become unsafe resulting in the diversion of through passenger trains from 1948 with complete closure of the line coming in 1952. Leaving the Calder Valley line at Anchor Pit Junction it curved north to cross the River Calder and Wakefield Road (A644); climbing for the first mile at 1 in 60 to reach Clifton Road station. Crossing Clifton Common (A643) by a four-arch viaduct it climbed alongside Clifton Beck mostly at 1 in 70 and passed over a second four-arch 6of7

viaduct and an embankment to Bailiff Bridge. From there it turned NW to cross the long Wyke viaduct on the far side of which it made a trailing connection with the Halifax - Bradford line at Wyke Junction. The route today is still walk able between Clifton Common and Lower Wyke Lane and is the homes of so many wild scented plants, I often sniff the honeysuckle flowers in late may or early June as I traverse the short stretch with my hiking books and my rucksack. I sometimes have a little nap away from the pressures of my wife and work in the dense undergrowth; it is much more effective and natural than any form of antidepressants on the market. My idea of ecstasy is laid there near the wyke viaduct with my little flask of tea watching the busy bees flying about trying to collect there honey from the whole maelstrom of wild flowers. Next month I will tell you all about another of my favourite walks.

Thanks For The Dinner! I am sre everyone especially Mr Todd wishes to thank Elizabeth our No1 caterer a big thank you for the excellent Christmas dinner

Statistics Sales & Production by Week Week Com 19/11/2007 26/11/2007 03/12/2007 10/12/2007

Produced 448,864 459,772 452,904 429,408

Sold 282,968 226,092 273,224 276,896

Top Ten Drivers For 2007

Stock 16,852,080 17,078,400 17,258,080 17,317,912

Pos 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Name Stumpy Shadrack Keith Chicken Harry Potter Bruce Forcyth Buddy Holly Ken & Barbie Piggys Friend Lord Archer Tim Terapin

Harry Potter our No4 driver of 2007 with nearly 580,000 bricks moved from Swillington but despite his best efforts he could not break into the Top 3, Stumpy at No 1 shifted getting on for 1 million bricks from our yard and will be receiving a medal for his excellent service from Mr Lardner himself. Top Ten Bricks For 2007 Pos 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Desc 73 Class B 73 City Mlti 65 Man Red 65 Swale WC 65 Cream Sm 65 Golden Brwn 65 Rydale WC 73 ClB Jews 73 Farmhse Brwn 73 Golden Brwn

Quan 3,280,776 1,884,672 1,650,704 1,052,038 784,646 780,014 761,296 676,296 585,984 496,899

Our Class B 73mm Brick easily dominates the sales by brick type chart, consistently been No1 every month of 2007, I cannot produce a chart for December since at the printing of this newsletter it was not complete yet, but it will follow in the January Issue.

Uncle Don’s 40th Anniversary

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Quantity 932,892 719,443 596,123 579,929 562,425 509,050 342,845 342,812 338,219 337,026

Sadly I missed this extraordinary event but these pictures were kindly taken by Paul Wingfield and Mick Lardner, Don Started work at Swillington in 1967 and was taking the hardcore to make the base for the new kiln and setting machine which was to complete Phase II of the new plant which is where it is situated now. Back in them days Don had to unload all the bricks automatically and take them using noddy cars to the Hoffmann kiln where they were set by hand.

Above, you can see Uncle Don accepting his 40 year medallion from Mr Paul Wingfield. Well I guess that brings to an end the Jungle Telegraph for 2007, I hope you have enjoyed it, I should hopefully be back at the beginning of February with Issue 21, until then Merry Xmas