Issue 17

A Word from Our Leader The months are flying by at a fast rate with September now finished and the dark nights are now approaching. We need to maintain our recent run of good quality and above volume bricks. On the Health & Safety front we have all been issued with our two ticks for safety booklets. Paul Newbold and Nicholas Hunter have completed gas awareness training at Howley Park. Also Chris Shields and Craig Farn1ll attended the H & S Awareness day at Howley Park. Again, another month with no reportable accidents so, well done to everyone and lets keep this going. On the Quarry Front Fox plant are at present building our 2007 stockpile under the expert guidance of Don Fox. We have purchased a new tractor bowser unit for dust suppressing but haven’t used it yet due to the rain coming since the day it arrived. We have two training sessions booked for the Skidloader and Small Dumper also the large 25 ton dumper. We are now well into the integration with Hiedelberg Group. Any further information received will be posted on noticeboards. You can follow this on the website http://www.heidelbergcement.com/global/en/han son/home.htm Finally stocking levels are closing in on the 16 million figure, sales have been up and down all this year. 1of6

One final word is to maintain our focus on good quality products produced in a safe environment. Thanks for your continued efforts and support in these changing times. That’s all for now because I am feeling a bit niggly today having to do the stock take on my own because Darren has decided to book the day off. I think you should do an interview next with Martin Jones, have I told you all about the Yellow Bricks, oh when I first ventured out into the world of bricks I kept ordering all this Yellow stain and well a few months later I was walking round the yard and noticed that there was never any of these Yellow Bricks anywhere on the site, I asked Martin, suggesting we maybe make more of these Yellow bricks since they are such good sellers and he replied if I was being serious. Well yes I said… Did you not know then that the Yellow stain burns red? Right that’s it now I am off to do the stock count, I bet Darren’s doing a rain dance somewhere by the looks of it.

Interview with sue

Sue in our canteen is leaving Swillington on Friday 5th October and I managed to persuade her to do an interview in return for me videoing a DVD of all the lads she has worked with us for the last 5 years I started work here on the 4th February 2002, it was when the canteen first opened here at Swillington and everything was brand new, I worked with James Gayboy who was the then Area Manager before Sandra. I cannot remember the first meal I prepared but I do remember getting a ticking off from Little Jeff who was then the works manager for talking too loud, he was having a meeting in the canteen. I can’t say its changed that much over the last 5 years, I don’t do as much, I remember getting told off by Woo-woo for not cleaning the floor

properly and leaving it streaky, I didn’t like him, but neither it seems did anybody. I think one of my best memories here was the first Christmas when I dressed up as Santa Claus and I have enjoyed doing the Christmas Dinners and acting like a Rotweiller to the lads though I have never found out what my nickname is. Saddest time here was when Geoff the Forklift Truck Driver died. Why am I leaving, well, lets just say I have a few niggles with the company, and anyway I want to come out of catering altogether, I don’t really know what I am going to do but I have just started a ASSETT computer course. If I won the lottery I would move abroad to a place like Cyprus or Tenerife, I will let you know if its Cyprus when I come back because that’s where I am going for my holiday. My favourite bloke here, well the funniest is Don Fox, he has me in hysterics sometimes. Life after death, I do believe there is something, what it’s like I ain’t got a clue but I know my dad will be there, no body ever comes back so it must be okay. Music, I love heavy metal and my favourite group is Bon Jovi, my favourite song has got to be “Always”, I am going to see Enrico Anglaisias later this year, I love that song of his called “Hero”. My hobbies are decorating my house and going to Cas-vegas (Castleford) to the local pubs where all the bands are, my latest hobby is computers. I am divorced with two sons and I have a new partner and I want to say to everyone, I will miss you all, miss all the p*ss takes and laughs that we have had. Thanks for being a good set of lads and I have enjoyed working with you all.

Interview with Exemployee David So what have I been doing since I retired from here, well I have been caravanning, walking and I have even been to Buckingham Palace. I am a member of the centenary caravan club and we were invited to a garden party at the palace but the Queen wasn’t there however The Duke of Edinburgh was as he is the patron saint. 2of6

29,000 people applied and we were the lucky ones, we had three nights in London and the day before and the day after the Garden Party the weather was beautiful but it poured down on the day. I was one of the many thousands queuing for my money outside Northern Rock the other week, I wasn’t that concerned about it until the Government said “don’t panic” then I started to panic, I think Ill invest all the money in Hanson Shares, oh no they don’t exist anymore do they? I got all my money still in the Sainsbury’s bags in my cupboard at the moment. I really miss working now and would love a part time job, I would prefer Wednesday and Thursday as any other day would interfere with my routine, for example Friday is still bog day. My daughter Natalie is getting married soon and my wife is due to retire next July but I think she is thinking of stopping on because she gets all the housework done. Natalie works for a cystic fibrosis charity and is an events organiser and a few months back I abseiled from Manchester United’s football ground with my son Michael and he is scared of heights, we raised £10 but overall the event raised about £70,000. I have finally got my hearing aid after 4 years on the waiting list and have also got my drains sorted out; we had raw sewage coming out of the drain and down the side of the house at one point. I still get up at 7:15am and do quite a bit of gardening, we luckily didn’t get flooded in the recent floods but have had quite a few power cuts, we have spent quite a few nights sat with candles staring into space. I like to pop in still every ten weeks to pay my lottery and think how thankful I am that I have

retired, I enjoy going to the pictures every Wednesday, you get 2 for 1 with Orange on Wednesday and the last film I saw was “Run Fat Boy Run” which reminded me of Mr Lardner.

STEVE In HEAVEN

Steve Todd had died and found himself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter. He asked him, "Bloody hell did I really make it to heaven" To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." Steve was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what he must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" he asked. "Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." Steve promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is brick B-R-I-C-K." St. Peter congratulated him on his good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked him if he would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom. "Ok but the picture keeps going off on my phone when I switch it on," he said, "and well, what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?" St. Peter reassured him, and instructed Steve to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as he had done. So Steve is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and perving at the beautiful angels soaring around him when a man approaches the gates. He realizes it is Mad Mick. "What happened?" he cried, "What the f*ck are you doing here?" Mad Mick stared at him for a moment, and then said, "I got drunk again after loads of years 3of6

sober, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?" To which the Steve replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first." "What word?" he asked. Steve responded, "Czechoslovakia."

From Dan & Lee

Get well soon Mr Jolley, hope the back is okay and well the hole in the floor is easily repaired, Kev is struggling on the setter without Jonnobeachwhale and Big Bob while Terry is still struggling with Billy and my daddy (sean). New drinking champion of Swilly is Lee Ruecroft after Andy Smith got him smashed even though he ended up 20 miles from home. Walter and China are missing wee man but they wont be walking around looking lost for much longer as Dennis is back on Monday. Dan and Bob Jolley still aren’t talking something to do with Dan getting the order wrong and Jolley not having enough food. Hope they kiss and make up soon because they are running out of insults. Mr Fox Senior has been driving around in Mr Brayfords pick up a lot lately and I think someone needs to tell him it’s not his. Rico has a new job as a Magnum PI impersonator. Mr D (D for Diddly Donk) Bell has finally found love, all is well according to the man himself but I have heard from a couple of blokes (who wish to remain anonymous) he got his photos off the internet. Good luck to Dazzler in his life with a drag queen. She is called Hayley formerly known as Harold

Statistics A joke from our No 10 Driver this week Mr Harry Potter… Simon goes on stars in their eyes, Mathew Kelly notices he’s in a wheelchair, he says “What Happened?” Simon replies “I was in a car crash with my uncle, he died and I had my legs amputated, but they saved my uncles legs and grafted them on to me. And in six months time I will be able to walk again”.

“THAT’S AMAZING” says Mathew “who are you going to be?” Simon says “tonight Mathew, I’m going to be Simon & halfuncle”, which brings me to the drivers statistics for this month; P ▲ ▲ ▼ ▲ ▲ ▲ >> ▼ >> ▼ >> ▼ ▲ >> ▲ ▲ ▲ ▲ >> >>

L 2 7 1 60 10 62 NE 5 NE 3 NE 4 76 NE 34 36 51 50 NE NE

T 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20

Name Keith Chicken Bruce Forcyth Stumpy Richard Stopcroft Ken & Barbie Ian / Archers Tim Terapin Jeff Rudge Piggys Friend Harry Potter Apple & Mango Alan Douglas Jason Rudge Dino / Archers Jackie Khan Mason DX06CXB Wardrope S599JAL Tierney

Total 84,940 83,009 80,444 64,752 51,692 47,940 44,485 39,828 36,864 34,032 25,764 24,585 23,772 20,968 18,840 18,592 17,152 16,244 13,468 10,848

The featured driver this week is awarded the happiest driver of the Month..

With the pseudonym of Bruce Forsyth because well he looks like him he can be found this week at the high up position of Number 2 and I have corrected Mr Harry Potters score due to a load he took out that I missed. Top Selling Bricks For September > ▲

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1 3

pos 1 2

Name 73 Class B 73 City Mlti

Quantity 271,104 185,472

▼ > > ▲ ▲ ▲ ▲ > ▲ ▼ ▲ ▲ ▲

2 4 5 7 22 13 12 10 21 9 17 15 16

3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15

65 Man Red 65 Swale WC 65 Golden Brwn 65 Farmhse Brwn 65 Rydale WC 73 Farmhse Brwn 65 Riding Rus 73 Victorian 65 City Mlti 73 Golden Brwn 65 Victorian 65 Red SF 73 Cap Mlti

184,416 93,932 82,264 53,336 49,720 48,000 44,296 43,392 42,940 36,869 34,352 33,448 32,660

This month of course Class B Engineers once again rules the charts and Manchester Red and City Multi 73 once again trade positions for the number one facing brick. During September we have not during any of the weeks taken off stock as you can see in our: Sales vs. Production Chart For September Week Com 27/08/2007 03/09/2007 10/09/2007 17/09/2007 24/09/2007

Produced 365,184 456,960 445,596 453,808 469,176

Sold 256,096 397,353 408,524 448,132 284,305

Stock 15,610,276 15,669,883 15,711,023 15,716,699 15,901,570

Of course all of these sales could not be done if it wasn’t for our favourite friendly Forklift loader here at Swillington…

Other Gossip It’s just amazing what lengths people will go to in order to gain credibility. The other day along with the extruder figures that were shoved through the window in our office near where I sit on my arse all day we found an anonymous comment.

I am not sure I know really what it all means but I think its something to do with one of our employees cars who work here. Anyway it says and I quote “The VTR badges are now pealing off to reveal his car is a normal model and not the one he spent £35 trying to convince us all it was the model which turns into a robot” Coach load Of Geologists So well today at the lost world a coach load of Geologists have been to visit to look at our quarry, our manager Mr Lardner was at the front of the coach giving them their induction and as the coach made its way through the brickyard all the people on the coach were drawn first to our confused electrician called "Turkey" picking daisies with all the bunnies in the hedgerow and then as they turned to their right they were astonished to find the Steve Todd moon walking across the brick yard. Steve Todd has been given some new exercises by his physiotherapist and claimed to be practising. With Mr Lardner at the helm of the coach with his microphone their attention was then drawn to Mr Brayford our assistant manager looking for his mobile plant repair books, he suffers from Alzheimer’s disease and seemed to be a bit lost again, then there was Sean who has just bought a new car but paid an extra £35 for a VTR badge to make it look more cool. By the time the Geologists reached the quarry they had seen so many unusual sites that they couldn’t take in what they had come to learn about.

Tyre For Sale

Mick Brayford has a tyre for sale which has barely been used, having been on his car for only a week before he got a new car. He has tried to sell it on E-bay with no success so if anyone out there would like to purchase a bargain and get it out 5of6

of our way in the office it is a Dunlop SP Sport 2000 215/45 ZR17 and he will take just £40 for it

Little Billy Jokes

Little Billy was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little Billy replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." "Oh?“ replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" "No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own f**king business!!"

For all you dog lovers…. At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty. The alligator, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the "apex predator," can still fall victim to implemented 'team work' strategy, made possible due to the tight knit social structure and "survival of the pack mentality" bred into the canines. See the remarkable photograph below courtesy of Nature Magazine. Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the gator preventing it from breathing, while another dog has a hold on the tail to keep it from thrashing. The third dog attacks the soft underbelly of the gator. Not for the squeamish... . . . . .

Letters Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate Dear Desperate: First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly .WAV files. DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash 6of6

Husband 1.0. They could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program: Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to introduce potentially serious viruses into the Operating System. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and can't learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to enhance his system performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Single Malt Scotch 4.5 combined with such applications as that old stand-by Lingerie 6.9 (which has been credited with improved performance of his hardware). Good Luck

Little Billy Jokes (by m lardner)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful Banquet and it turned out beautifully." The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called on little Billy. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just f***ing beautiful!"

Finally The DVD of Sues leaving is now in limited availability from Mad Mick, in fact by the time you read this there will probably be no more copies left.