Issue 14

A Word From Our Leader

Well gents that’s the first six months completed and it’s been a trying one for us in a lot of ways. We came back from the Christmas Holidays to find the screen had disintegrated and after a number of repairs we finally got to change it at Spring Bank Holiday. Thanks for the efforts of all of you who worked hard throughout that week to enable us to be back grinding clay the following week, a good team effort. As well as this we emptied the kiln and found a number of repairs were necessary. Again people worked hard to get things sorted and the kiln back up and running. With these faults we are behind our budgeted output for the year to date, but will do our best to try and pull these figures back. Obviously the take-over by Heidleberg Cement is the topic of conversation on everyone’s lips, but, all I can say is that things are progressing and any information passed to me will be put on the notice boards straight away. So it is business as usual and we need to keep the good name of Swillington up. Health & Safety This is becoming more and more the No1 topic on everyone’s agenda. There are a number of initiatives going on, your involvement in all of them is mandatory. 1of6

Your ideas and help are required to make sure these work and become second nature for all of us. We have had a lot of training and this will continue over the next few years. Training given up to now is;  Ladder & Harness  Forklift  Excavator  Bobcat  Front Loader  Working at heights  Gas awareness training  One minute risk assessment We have a working at heights day on the 25th July that everyone is required to attend, two sessions, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. Gents this is a must, no holiday forms will be accepted for this day, except those booked before the date was given. People missing will be sent to other works to be trained. Quality I have posted the last “cost per 1000 bricks” complaints for May, as you can see we are paying or losing as a company £1.47 per 1000 bricks sold. We must reduce this, and this can only be achieved by people doing their jobs correctly. We need everyone pulling in the same direction taking pride in their work and workplace. Finally as you have probably seen, we have started the implementation of 14001 with Spill kits and trays being posted around the factory. Again if we don’t achieve the accreditation then the whole company will lose their certification, people will stop trading with us. We don’t want to be the works that cocked it up. So your participation and help is greatly appreciated. On A Good Note Just remember lads we are a good team and a good works and this is achieved by you doing what you do best. We need to get back to our best and put the first half years trials and tribulations

behind us, and raise our game for the second half of the year. Doing it safely, right first time, every time

Statistics Page Sum Of Quantity 1,478,045 1,841,064 1,691,391 1,799,462 1,562,274 1,426,828 915,288 1,316,669 1,503,046 1,483,046 1,519,426

Year 2007 2007 2007 2007 2007 2007 2006 2006 2006 2006 2006

Month Name June May April March February January December November October September August

Its now nearly a year since I have been keeping sales records, the total year to date is 9.8million with May 07 been easily our best month so far with regards to sales Week Com 23/04/2007 30/04/2007 07/05/2007 14/05/2007 21/05/2007 28/05/2007 03/06/2007 10/06/2007 17/06/2007

Produced 427,898 449,068 272,640 393,216 449,580 0 226,436 444,040 445,264

Sold 476,138 378,440 339,814 437,348 545,288 297,328 421,680 351,832 402,008

Stock 15,773,680 15,844,308 15,777,134 15,724,414 15,622,378 15,330,692 15,135,448 15,196,944 15,240,200

All the weeks highlighted in purple are the ones we have taken off stock, of course due to the spring bank shutdown we produced nothing in week commencing 28th May, this has helped us a bit to lower our stock levels by about ½ million. The biggest selling week since I came took place on week commencing 21st May with actual sales of 545,288. I include bricks sent to other works in my figures so in my records I have 551,665. So far this year we have taken off stock a total of 9 times and six of them have been in the period above. However just of late, sales are beginning to dip back down again. The next table shows the best selling bricks for May and June, both are easily topped by our 73mm Class B Engineers Top 15 For May 2007

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Last mth █ 1 ▲ 3 ▼ 2 ▲ 5 ▼ 4 █ 6 █ 7 NEW NEW NEW ▼ 9 ▲ 13 ▼ 12 NEW ▼ 8

pos 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15

Name 73 Class B Hanson 73 City Multi 65 Manchester 65 Cream Smth 65 Swale Dragwre 65 Rye Dragwre 73 Farmhse Brwn 73 Victorian Multi 65 Farmhse Brwn 73 Red Smooth 65 Golden Brown 65 City Multi 73 Class B Jewson 65 Victorian Multi 73 Golden Brown

Quantity 342144 160128 147352 123922 110856 75936 65992 57600 55296 44160 42940 42488 41088 40228 37632

The above table accounts for 75.4% of the brick sales for May whereas the table below accounts for 94.1% of the brick sales for June Last mth █ 1 ▲ 3 ▼ 2 ▲ 5 ▼ 4 ▲ 11 NEW ▲ 13 ▼ 6 NEW ▲ 14 █ 12 ▼ 9 ▼ 8 █ 15

Top 15 For Jun 2007 pos Name 1 73 Class B Hanson 2 65 Manchester 3 73 City Multi 4 65 Swale Dragwre 5 65 Cream Smth 6 65 Golden Brown 7 65 Red Mix Rustic 8 73 Class B Jewson 9 65 Ryedale Drag 10 65 Swaledale Rust 11 65 Victorian Multi 12 65 City Multi 13 73 Farmhse Brwn 14 73 Victorian Multi 15 73 Golden Brown

Quantity 305280 214248 170880 100624 99456 87100 67348 60288 51284 46556 45652 41132 34560 33808 33792

The June figures incidentally do not account for Thursday 28th June and Friday 29th June which were not available at the time of going to press. I can’t explain the recent upturn in the sales of Class B Jewson. The next tables over the page are mainly of interest to our regular hauliers showing the top 15 drivers by quantity of bricks delivered / collected. Positions ▲ ▲ ▼ ▼

2 4 1 3

May-07 Name 1 Stumpy 2 Buddy Holly 3 Caveman 4 Archers

Total 84756 75290 68821 66346

█ NEW NEW NEW ▼ NEW ▼ ▼ NEW ▼ NEW

5

8 10 11 6

5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15

Bruce Forcyth Jeff Keith Chicken X72NSO / Den Piggys Friend T976DUB/Carl V2RBC/Rudge Dicky Trevor Ken & Barbie Rastrk Potter

58356 51992 41960 41630 34768 29624 28060 20792 19612 19612 19612

Standing astride the chart like a giant is our lumberjack from the mushroom farm Mr Stumpy, whereas Rastrick Potter just scrapes in at Number 15 during May because he had just been on his Honeymoon after marrying Cruella Positions ▲ ▲ ▲ NEW ▲ ▼ NEW ▲ ▼ NEW ▲ ▼ NEW ▲ NEW

3 7 2 15 1 10 5 12 11 9

Jun-07 Name 1 Caveman 2 Keith Chicken 3 Buddy Holly 4 V73ENN/Cullen 5 Rastrk Potter 6 Stumpy 7 Tim 8 T976DUB/ Carl 9 Bruce Forcyth 10 Y473PDN 11 Dicky 12 V2RBC/ Rudge 13 Jackie Khan 14 Piggys Friend 15 W814BOV

Moral Tale Of A Donkey

Total 68072 64377 64208 51980 49436 47652 45312 39464 29019 24220 20292 10396 18344 16725 10848

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was 3of6

astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off! Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up. Remember the five simple rules to be happy: 1) Free your heart from hatred Forgive. 2) Free your mind from worries - Most never happen. 3) Live simply and appreciate what you have. 4) Give more. 5) Expect less. NOW ... Enough of that crap . . . The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock. MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON: When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you. (Contributed by Gary Smith which he said was inspired by Darren)

Question Of The Month!

How many people are required to be in a room before the probability that there are more than 2 people with the same birthday (just month and date, e.g 21st June) is greater than 1 chance in 2 or 50% (solution in next issue)

You Are A Star Wars Fan… 1) When you pass out while trying to move a pencil across the desk with the Force. 2) When you get jealous of luke because his light sabre is double the size of yours 3) When you get into a fight, you automatically find yourself reaching for a light-sabre... 4) You can't resist to hum when you turn on a flashlight

5) You're a Star Wars geek when your teacher hands you your test back and says "commas are your weakness." You shoot back: "And your faith in your friends is yours!" 6) After looking at your tiny dick you remember yoda's saying "size matters not." 7) When your stuck doing 'yoga' classes because of a misprint on the advertisement 8) A friend gets a kick ass home audio/video centre and you tell him, "Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed."

A Word from The Editor Well my apologies that we missed out on a May Issue No12+1 edition but you see I suffer from triskaidekaphobia (fear of the number after 12 and before 14) and so couldn’t bring myself to actually write one and anyway judging by the general feedback from the Jungle telegraph it seems that many readers were getting fed up with it. Comments ranging from “Oh not another load of aimless twaddle” to “Hey that’s newsletters great, I read it every night before going to sleep and guess what I’m out in no time”

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Sadly for this Issue Daniel Lund never came up with his promised piece and I could find no one in the works that was willing to be interviewed. Daniel did have a few words left over from his last addition that came too late for the press so well here it is, I think he was talking about the Christmas Drinking session… Best Memories Addition By Dan It is well known that Swillington holds the Hanson Pensioners Club and that Hansons Swillington is like a retirement home well as a Christmas treat some of us juniors took the old biddies out just to show them they cant hack it anymore. Bolly only found out in January how he managed to get home after 6 pints of Shandy (new name Shandy Pants) Nak was slurring and drooling in his pint, but Badger was the best as he left his coat in every pub and had to get mammy to drive him home and the worst news of the night is that we heard that The Three Amegos of the Three musketeers (Gaz Johnson, Richard Warne & Gaz Robinson) were a trio once again

I was also promised an interview with Steve Todd about a new get rich quick scheme called Amway however when I plucked up enough courage and approached him with my A4 pad he said “Will you get lost you gormless twit or you will end up with that pad stuffed in your mouth” Anyway if you actually like what you read in here and would like to have a look at my full back catalogue you can find it at www.madmickstories.com in fact to make it easier I have now added a full index at http://www.madmickstories.com/OldIndex.html Finally on Sunday 6th May 2007 a number of us set off for the Yorkshire Dales to climb the three peaks, a walk of over 25 miles which took us over 3 mountains, Pen-y-ghent (694m , 2255ft), Whernside (736m, 2392ft) and Inglebrough (723m, 2349ft). It was a brilliant day out but

more importantly we succeeded in raising nearly £2000 (so far) for the McMillan Nurses and found our way into Hansons “official” newsletter, here is the piece about us…

Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not soproductive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a kebab and a litre of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 6 chicken nuggets and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.

The event was organised by Dennis Fox and next year he promises to do something even more spectacular.

Hangover Ratings

No pain. no real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you. You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. 5of6

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quicklyor else you might spew. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you (depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, or, it looks like you put your makeup on while riding the dodgems. Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a cheeseburger and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe very gently.

You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck. You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark. 6of6

With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15 minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion. It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is simply not an option. The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving. You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed. Then you discover a fantastic cure for hangovers, something that is instant and immediate relief, more drink, especially the strong stuff like whisky neat. Now your journey is only beginning, you lose the desire to drink with others, pubs are expensive and there’s always a danger that your merchandise could get spilt. Drinking at peoples houses becomes a problem for two reasons, one you begin to lose the ability to control your bladder and secondly you might need to share. By now you are unemployable and have become a hermit in your dingy smelly one bedroom flat, you long for that party in your own head which more supplies brings but first you must survive the journey to the shop. Your family are disgusted by your presence, your doctor thinks you are depressed and prescribes you tablets which just add to the euphoria when you have your favourite drink in your hand. Friends are a thing of the past, the local kids laugh at you… Finally you reach your rock bottom and call the AA