Humour

h u mo u r

Humour

E levator

C ric k et in He aven

Tommy and Joe were huge cricket fans. One day, both Tommy and Joe made an agreement that if either of them were to die; they had to come back to the other in the form of a ghost to let the other know if cricket was played in heaven. Sure enough, Tommy dies and eventually comes to Joe one night in the form of a ghost. A startled Joe realizes it is the ghost of his deceased friend and says “Tommy, it is so good to see you...so tell me, is there cricket in Heaven?”. “Well”, Tommy says, “I have some good news and bad news for you. First the good news...YES, there is cricket in heaven!”. “Thank God!” Joe shouts... “What is the bad news?!”. “You’re batting tomorrow.”

C onfessions A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: “No use knocking’ mister, there’s no paper in this one either.”

E ating prope rly A man walks into a doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. “What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor.

A father and a son from the village were visiting a city mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by the elevator. The boy asked his Father what this was and the father (never having seen an elevator) replied, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.” While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, fat old lady went in and pressed the button. The elevator went up and after few minutes the elevator door opened and an extremely attractive 24 year old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young lady, said quietly to his son, “Son, go get your mother.”

School J okes Teacher: Could you please pay a little attention? Student: I’m paying as little attention as I can. Teacher: Name two days of the week that start with “t”. Pupil: Today and Tomorrow. A little boy wasn’t getting good marks in school. One day he tapped his teacher on the shoulder and said, “I don’t want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don’t get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking

The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.” 30

Don bosco march 2009

Joseph

h u mo u r

Humour

parachute and gas ball0on A man goes skydiving. After a fantastic free fall he pulls the rip cord to open his parachute but nothing happens. He tries everything but can’t get it open.

Just then another man flies by him, going UP. The skydiver yells, “Hey, you know anything about parachutes? The man replies, “No, you know anything about gas balloon?”

simple operation A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. “What’s the matter?” he was asked. He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.” “She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?” “She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.

winning the lottery Banta buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Delhi to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. Banta says, “I want my 20 lakhs. The man replied, “No, sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you one lakh today and then you’ll get the rest spread out for the next 19 weeks. Banta said, “Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it.” Again, the man explained that he would only get a lakh that day and the rest during the next 19 weeks.Banta, furious with the man, screams out, “Look, I want my money! If you’re not going to give me my 20 lakhs right now, then I want my five rupees back!” 26

suicide Ramu went to the emergency room with the tip of his index finger blown off. “How did this happen?” the doctor asked. “Well I was trying to commit suicide,” Ramu replied. The doctor asked, “Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?” “No, silly! First I put the gun on my head and I thought my face would look horrible, then I put it in my mouth and I thought I just paid Rs. 1,000 to get my teeth straightened. So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought this is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.”

the trick

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, “I’m so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.” The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that my dear?” she asked. The little boy replied, “I heard daddy tell mommy that he would jump out of the window if you came to visit us again.”

telephone

Santa got up in the middle of the night to answer the telephone. “Is this one one one one?”, says the voice. “No, this is eleven eleven.” “Are you sure it isn’t one one one one?” “No, this is eleven eleven.” “Well, wrong number. Sorry to have got you up on the middle of the night.” “That’s all right, mister. I had to get up to answer the telephone anyway.”

Don bosco june 2008

Joseph

h u mo u r

Humour

perfect grammar Teacher: “ Say a sentence starting with the letter ‘I’”. Pupil : “I is-” Teacher: “No, you must always say ‘I am’.” Pupil : “Okay, ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet’.”

the new job Somu joined in a new job. On the first day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked “What were you doing today?”. Somu: Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I put them in order.

ten commandments

parking

A woman decided to send the old family Bible to her brother by post, the postal worker asked her if there was anything breakable in the package. “Only the Ten Commandments,” she replied.

Santa was busy removing a wheel from his auto. Banta: Why are you removing a wheel from your auto? Santa: Can’t u read ‘Parking for two wheelers only’

a good doctor

Brother-in-law After having a bypass surgery, a man woke up to find himself in a Catholic hospital with nuns taking care of him. As they nursed him back to health, one of the nuns asked him if he had health insurance. “No,” he replied, “No health insurance.” “Do you have any money in the bank?” asked the nun. “No. No money in the bank.” The nun asked, “Do you have any relatives you could ask for help?”

Doctor to patient : You will die within 2 hours. Do you want to see any one before you die? Patient : Yes. A good doctor. Museum Administrator: That’s a 500-year-old statue you have broken. Banta: Thank God! I thought it was a new one. At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!

The man replied, “I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.”

Santa: Control yourself. Don’t cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

At this the nun becomes irritated and says, “Nuns are not spinsters. Nuns are married to Jesus Christ!”

Customer: “Waiter, do you serve crabs?”

“OK, then,” said the man. “Send the bill to my brotherin-law.” 26

Waiter: “Sit down, sir. We serve anybody.”

Don bosco july 2008

Joseph

h u mo u r

Humour

Winning nobel prize

nail biting

A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails was advised by a friend to take up yoga. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally. Seeing this, her friend congratulated her and said yoga had totally cured her nervousness. “No,” she replied, but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead.

moscow the capital of china A girl was yelling in the Church after the Chapel: “Oh God! Please make Moscow the Capital of China!”

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, “Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?” The farmer replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.” “How?” asks the man, puzzled.

The priest inquired: “Why must you pray so, my child?”

“Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field.”

Girl: “That’s what I’ve written in my answer sheet in the examination!”

air conditioner

who is the fastest? Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are. The first one says, “Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow.”

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he felt too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he felt too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn’t scold the customer. “Oh, I really don’t care or mind,” said the waiter with a smile. “We don’t even have an air conditioner.”

what are the pictures? A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls.

The second boy says, “Ha! You think that’s fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!”

When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby old man, “Who are all those men in the pictures?”

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says, “You two know nothing about speed. My father works in the Govt department. He stops working at 5:00 and he is home by 3:45!!”

The old man replied, “Why, those are our boys who died in the service”. Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, “Was that the morning service or the evening service?”

Joseph

26

Don bosco SEPTEMBER 2008

h u mo u r

Humour

At the public pool

Picking a punishment

The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool. “Everyone knows,” the mother lectured him, “that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool.” “Oh really?” said the lifeguard, “but not from the diving board!!!?”

Geography Class Teacher: What is the axis of the earth? Student: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line which passes from one pole to the other, and on which the earth revolves.



Teacher: Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on that line?

A man dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in. So Satan opens first door and in the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says “No, please show me the next room”.

the

Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again. Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes. So the man says, “I’ll choose this room”. Satan says O.K. The man is very happy for choosing this room when suddenly Satan pops his head around, and says “O.K. teabreak is over. Back on your heads!”

Student: Yes, Sir. Teacher: Indeed, and what sort of clothes? Student: Imaginary clothes, Sir

Basketball coach The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Three very tough mice Three rats are sitting at the bar bragging about their bravery and toughness. The first says, “I’m so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!” The second says, “Well I’m so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!” Then the third rat gets up and says, “Ok friends, I’m off home to beat up the cat.”

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?” A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?”

Are caterpillars good to eat? Johnny : Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat? Father : Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals! Mother : Why did you say that, John? Why did you ask the question? Johnny : It’s because I saw one on daddy’s sandwich, but now it’s gone

Joseph

26

Don bosco october 2008