How To Survive Domestic Abuse

How to Survive Domestic Abuse; before it happens. By Asha Oshun Mali

In the spring of 2007 I met a wonderful man. Or at least I led myself to believe I did. I met him at a time in my life when everything seemed so uncertain. I was just finishing college. I was working in a low paying job and was still reeling from a heart breaking relationship years earlier, that had left me feeling as if I would never truly find love again. In essence, I felt I had little if anything to offer. I was also well into my thirties, and was feeling way older than my age. I wanted stability; plain and simple. More than anything else, I wanted a relationship with someone who would not only offer me companionship, but who would also be willing to accept my 3 children-all of whom had been the result of my first marriage in my twenties. So, when I met Mr. Last Chance, I made a commitment to him relatively quickly. I wanted to go slow and enjoy our romance, but his insistence to date me quickly, made me fear that I would lose him. So, off I went -my heart and common sense in my hand. Everything seemed like a dream at first. But, before long, I was trapped inside of a nightmare that I did not feel I could remove myself from. I had no where to go. I had very little money and I was pregnant with another child. This was especially humiliating for me. One reason for this was because my youngest child at the time was twelve years old and another was because I had used preventive measuresto avoid pregnancy. I contemplated abortion, but knew that my child had done nothing to deserve such an inhumane demise. For my child’s sake, I bided my time, found creative ways to avoid being abused, and finally was able to free myself from my abuser shortly after my daughter was born. It was an embarrassing, dangerous and terrifying time in my life and my young child’s life. I would spend the next year in hiding and praying that jurors would believe my story and find my abuser guilty of the abuse he perpetrated against me. I had very little emotional support and very little financial support. While this was a difficult time in my life, it was also a very enlightening one. For the first time, I willingly came face to face with my own belief system. I realized that I had been raised in an environment where self empowerment was not encouraged.

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Added to this, was the fact that I had an internalized inferiority complex. While I had always been an over achiever, I never believed in myself enough to think I would or could make it very far in life on my own. With all the potential I had as a writer, a social activist, a mother, and a new communications degree graduate, I simply did not feel I had any true skills or a true life’s purpose. Though I did not realize it at the time, my belief system was one that foster the belief success could only be attained after a bitter struggle and love had to “hurt” in order to be real. I delved deeply into my analysis of my own fallacious way of thinking .But that was not all that I did. I also began to critically examine the structure of other black women’s thoughts as well. I started a social network-aimed at giving black women a chance to speak in their own words and own voices. What I found was that many of us could not or were not prepared to stand in our own power. We had spent too many years afraid to take full responsibility for our own lives. We found it easier to take care of the needs of others; even when those needs superseded our own and even when those needs became took a dangerously abusive turn. We handed ourselves and each other the generational baton of a tattered and torn convictionthat we were strong enough to handle anything. “Anything” sometimes included rape, domestic violence, depression, poverty, single parenthood, and abject loneliness. I was shocked when it dawned on me how many black womenI talked and worked with, had become accustomed to lives of abuse and lack. While some of us were able to make money or give the appearance of having wealth by accumulating “things”, many of us were empty inside. Some of us turned our lives over to God-saying prayers while remaining in misery. Still others turned their lives over to drugs, or sex, food, or other forms of excess. And, many of us held as our mantra the idea that we could not find good mates, men were all the same, and that you had to hurt in order to love. We blamed ourselves and each other when things went so wrong in a relationship that violence entered the picture. One girlfriend, when I finally broke my silence and began to talk about my abuse, told me, “Girl he (my abuser) is just passionate. That’s how some men show you that they love you.” Her sentiment was not new to me. I could recall several times in the past, when I’d heard similar sentiments from female relatives, female associates and female friends alike. I learned to see my erroneous way of thinking as a key part, if not the most major part of how I ended up in abusive relationships in the first place. I had spent so many years being abused-starting in childhood-that I confused violent and 2

degrading behavior against me with love. I called this internalized negative thinking “abuse consciousness.” “Abuse Consciousness”, by my definition, is a systematic way of thinking that leads to the acceptance of the idea that power is derived from an outside source. It is a way of thinking that suggests, like George Orwell’s novel Animal Farm, that some human beings are created more equal than others. “Abuse Consciousness” does not only affect black women. It affects anyone who feels that they must suffer in order to live; that their lives are to be lived solely for others; and that purpose is only derived from an outside source. While “abuse consciousness “is certainly experienced by individuals, it is generally, from what I have seen-a collective way of thinking that is usually nurtured within the family group that one is born into. By standing up to my abuser in court, even with very little support, I was taking my life, safety and happiness into my own hands. It was a long process. At times, I wanted to give up. I was even told, by a woman who counseled domestic violence victims no less, that I should “Let go and give God the glory. You probably won’t win in court anyway. Just live your life and God will punish him.” In my old way of relating to God, I would have done exactly as the woman suggested. But, abuse consciousness also calls on us to change our relationship with God. Instead of seeing God as the angry, jealous, and punishment defining deity I had been raised to see him as, I began to see God as a being who only wanted the best for me- at all times. This coupled with the fact that I was no longer willing to play the “victim” helped me realize my own power in a way that I never had before. I was not to blame for my abuser’s disgraceful, demeaning and physically damaging behavior. I could not and did not wish to “save him” from himself. Where domestic violence is concerned- many women (and men too) often feel that it is their lot in life to rehabilitate their abusers. Often times, when we turn to others for help, we are told that the abuse is our fault or that we are making too much of the situation. If we are too believe the statistics, then “too much of the situation”, often ends with homelessness, angry children, and even death. When we abandon “abuse” consciousness-we begin to realize that short of attacking someone physically ourselves-we can never be blamed for the abuse that someone else perpetrates against us. Still, many domestic abuse victims have become accustomed to playing the role of the “martyr”. We become accustomed to reaching to save others; holding our hands out to those who would bite them, and swimming in deep emotional waters with those who would gladly watch us drown. 3

My abuser by his violent actions, created his own reality. He was fully capable of knowing what he was doing and he made a choice to be abusive. Nothing that happened in his life, no matter how horrible, could be used as a justification for his abuse against me. Just as my abuser made a choice to abuse me, I by blaming myself,was making a choice to be abused. I had to draw on my own power-abandon the consciousness I had developed in childhood and make the empowering choice to let go of my abuser and my “abuse consciousness.” I had to believe strongly that I deserved more. I did not owe my abuser anything and I owed everything to myself and my children. I now know how to claim my own power at all times, how to think in a way that brings me the things I want to see in life and how to quickly remove obstacles to my growth and well being-before serious or life threatening problems arise. Dismantling “abuse consciousness” for black women, and any one else is challenging, but not impossible. All you have to do is have the courage to examine your relationship to yourself, the way you think about your self, and the way you allow others to treat you. If you feel life has to hurt in order to be lived well, then you need to stop and do yourself a favor-change you thinking to change your life. Your happiness is one positive thought away. All that you have to do to attain the opposite of “abuse consciousness”, “power mindedness” is to believe…in the power of yourself.

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