Thinking Away Love

Thinking Away Love. Part 2 (Excerpt from Beyond the Hoodwink: The Black Woman’s Guide to Surviving Abuse Consciousness) Stereotypes and Ill perceived misconceptions Healthy relationships can not be formed where negatives exists. If we view a potential mate from the vantage point of distrust, apprehension, or anger-due to personal or indirect childhood traumas, then we will enter into a relationship where limit is the barrier to realizing loves expansiveness. In the past, I never had very successful relationships with men.I was of the opinion then, that I was either not a good woman, or that I was cursed. It never dawned on me that my own belief system-conscious and subconscious-might hold a more viable answer to why my intimate romantic relationships were failing. It was during a discussion with several woman from a support group I’d put together for black women, that I began to notice a certain pattern to the way I an other women I knew thought in relation to men. I began to ask more questions during our sessions and to talk less. After each discussion, I would sit down with a piece of paper and pen, to carefully analyze what had been said. I then took what I discovered and mapped out all of the relationships I had been in. What I noticed, was that while I had been happy to be involved with the men I dated, I held very little trust of men in general. I went further in my self analysis, back into memories of relationships with men in childhood. I found that not only did I not trust most of the men that had been a part of my life as a child, I also had been surrounded by many older women and girls who did not trust them much either. And, while I had been sexually violated, physically abused, and emotionally abused by some men in my life, those monsters only accounted for a small percentage of my encounters with men. So, while the traumatic fallout from being abused was devastating for me, I realized that there was no reason for me to place all men in the same category. After I had retraced the roots of my relationship to negative thinking about men, I began to think carefully about how I viewed men, women’s power and relationships in general. I was surprised with what I found. My list of stereotypical negatives was exhaustive. Here is a sample. • Men are dogs • All men cheat • All men are potential rapist • Men hurt children • Think for the worst…Hope for the best • It’s a man’s world • Women are weak Added to this were examples of cultural programs and perceptions that had emerged from media reports, conversations with other negative minded women, personal experiences, and communal views. • Black men are incapable of sustaining healthy relationships • Black women are welfare mothers • Black men can’t be faithful • All black men abandon their children • Black men only think about sex • Black men don’t respect black women These were just a few of the misconceptions that shaped my consciousness. After my

analysis, it did not surprise me at all that I had been in negative relationships. If we are what we attract, then I certainly held the thoughts of a person who was not prepared for a positive experience with love. Often times, we allow the media, and stereotypes to be the driving force behind why we believe or disbelieve a particular thing. I have to say, that as I wrote my list, I was saddened and disappointed. My perceptions were far from true. I think too often-as human beings we also allow our personal experiences to become barriers to finding true intimate partner love. No matter how negative our experiences have been, we can’t lump all members of a group into one category. We can’t do this with gender; we can’t do this with race, religion or class; and we certainly do ourselves a disservice when we try to do this with potential love partners. By unearthing and examining our negative perceptions about what we feel a particular mate will or will not do, we open the door for a more rewarding and soul enriching love experience that is based on truth, mutual respect, open communication, and joy. I am glad that I had the courage to examine and change my negative views toward relationships. While I am long way from where I need to be, I am overjoyed by the fact that I can finally say I have found love. My relationship with my husband has taught me that men, like women, are just people. It’s amazing to me how changing the way we think can open us up not only to more positive experiences, but more expansive and fulfilling experiences with love.