How To Heal Your Love Life

By Trevor Emdon http:www.trust-in-relationships.com Copyright notice: This e-book is free - please feel free to distribute it as it is. It is NOT for sale or resale.

© Trevor Emdon

Introduction ...............................................3 Tip 1: Magic Moments ..............................4 Tip 2: Responsibility isn't blame...............6 Tip 3: Endings are also beginnings.........10 Tip 4:.......................................................12 Go where you are significant - not where you feel insignificant. ..............................12 Tip 5:.......................................................14 Only date yourself until you have love for life in your heart again. ...........................14 Tip 6: Smile!............................................16 Tip 7: Contribute. ....................................18 Tip 8: Grow .............................................19 ................................................................19 Tip 9: Enjoy uncertainty. .........................21 Tip 10: Restore Your Trust In Relationships. .........................................23

© Trevor Emdon

Introduction It seems there are very few people who will get to the end of their lives with no experience of heartbreak.

A broken heart is possibly the worst pain - emotionally speaking - that anyone ever endures. It brings up self doubt, anger, feelings of unworthiness, the awful pain of rejection, fears of loneliness plus, of course, the grief for not only the loss of love but the loss of what had seemed like a certain future.

Possibly - and this is only an opinion - it is harder to deal with than the death of a loved one because there's usually no sense of rejection then. In short, it's an emotional nightmare.

Whilst there's no magic bullet that can take all that pain away, (and many psychologists would agree that to suppress such powerful feelings very early after the event could in the long run do more harm than good), there are some things you can do to ease your path to healing and even to make the journey not only bearable but even - perverse though this sounds - enjoyable. Here are my ten top tips:

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Tip 1: Magic Moments

Remember, or realise if you've never thought of it before, that you have the power to choose what to focus your thoughts on.

After a great shock or big pain such as the loss of a relationship, it's natural to spend all your time ruminating on what's happened and what you've lost. In the early days you won't feel as though you have too much control over this, but there is something you can do.

Buy a nice notebook and keep it, together with a pen, by your bed. (Bedtime is the worst time for all the sad, bad thoughts to come rushing in anyway).

When you climb into bed, before you turn out the light, grab your notebook and pen. Now tiptoe back in your mind through your day and come up with three "magic moments." When each one pops into your head, jot it down.

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Magic moments can be anything: a sunset, a checkout cashier who smiled at you, finding a parking space easily, a (good) surprise phone call or email, finding a penny in the street, the taste of a cappuccino, a flower that bloomed today … you get the idea. Anything, no matter how small, that lifted your spirits even one tenth of one degree.

Soon you'll begin to realise that not every moment of every day is as dark as you'd thought it was.

If you're disciplined about this, you'll discover that the process has a great side effect: it helps you sleep better.

The mental action of deliberately focussing your thoughts on good and positive things soothes your troubled mind and relieves the pressure of the pain.

© Trevor Emdon

Tip 2: Responsibility isn't blame.

One major problem when a relationship breaks up is the tendency to beat yourself up. The notion that it must "all be my fault" is often reinforced by the other party too, so self esteem can take a real bashing at this time.

Let's get this out of the way right now. Whose "fault" it is, is irrelevant!

Even if you could prove it one way or the other, (and you never will because so much is subjective and very biased opinion), what difference would it make?

"One of us is a bad person, (and that's you), so I must be the good one"?

I don't think it's ever going to come out like that, is it? Adolf Hitler had a love life, and Mother Teresa no doubt had people who disliked her, so I don't think we're going to establish any criteria for what makes a person good, bad, right or wrong that the whole world would agree upon!

Blaming yourself for what has happened is useless and makes you feel bad.

Blaming the other person for what has happened is also useless and makes both of you feel bad.

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The outcome you want is to feel better, right? You might think that that would be achieved if the person came back. If they won't then your brain will look for other ways to feel better. And that's when the tendency to "blame" one party or the other begins.

Are you willing to try another tack with me?

Great!

Let's look at responsibility then. "Responsibility" literally means "the ability to respond." It doesn't mean something is your "fault."

(In fact, I'd like to do away with the notion that people have "faults." To ourselves, each of us is perfect. It's only the judgement of others that makes us decide that some aspects of character should be defined as "faults". Imagine a wild rose growing next to a bluebell in a forest. Is one wrong because it's red or blue? Is one bad because it has thorns? They're both perfect as what they are!)

Now if you "have the ability to respond", this implies that you have resources. Some of those resources you may not have thought about.

You have the ability, (as I pointed out in the "magic moments" tip) to focus on what you think about. You can think about what you've lost, or you can look for positives. You have more time for yourself now, for example.

In the early days, much of your thinking and feeling time will be about the other person. So take this on board: you can be right or you can be kind.

In the long run, which will make you feel better?

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I will offer you a "lens" to look through about this: All human beings have the same basic needs.

We all want to feel significant. We all want to be loved. We all need certainty, variety and to feel that we're growing.

If someone leaves a relationship, or makes any other major change in life, it's because somewhere inside them, they felt one or more of those needs was not being adequately met.

That doesn't mean it was your fault, or theirs.

It just means it wasn't being adequately met - for them.

To accommodate that feeling some people change or take up a new religion; others choose atheism.

Others become vegetarian or vegan, but some people love meat.

Some people choose celibacy, whilst others go for promiscuity.

There are no faults or blames here. There are simply people searching for their own inner, personal version of peace.

Now, if you are willing to accept that that was - and is - what your ex is doing at some level, does that make it easier to let go?

Does that ease the burden of guilt and blame for you?

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Does that enable you, above all, to find the ability to respond to what has happened by being kind to yourself?

A great tip by the way: use visualisation to create rapid happiness and increase your ability to find magic moments. If you do this for 15 minutes a day, you'll find magic moments happening to you for real! Try this very beautiful and empowering hypnosis program to change your life.

© Trevor Emdon

Tip 3: Endings are also beginnings

Can you get in touch with that strange mix of feelings we sometimes get at midnight on New Years' Eve? The old year has gone, and the blank canvas of the new one stretches 365 unwritten, untarnished days before us.

It can be both nostalgic and exciting. But right then, at the stroke of midnight, it's where you're at. It's absolutely your moment of now.

Let yourself, post relationship, look at what's opening up for you. What's new? What opportunities are now available that weren't there before?

Time to visit places you'd always wanted to go, perhaps. Freedom to watch your favourite TV shows. It can be trivial, and sure you might miss the arguments over the remote control for a while, but allow yourself to wallow in your freedom, rather than railing against your loss.

Life, it's often pointed out, is not fair. But it's your life.

What do you want to do with it before it's gone? Now's the time to make those starts.

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Giving yourself a compelling future, (fun, challenges, things that excite you), and a reason to get out of bed each day will massively strengthen you and speed your emotional healing.

Now, what are you going to start today?

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Tip 4: Go where you are significant - not where you feel insignificant.

Feelings of isolation will only get worse if you reinforce them by putting yourself in places and situations where you don't feel loved and cherished.

If you have a hobby or talent, pursue it now, even if you've let it languish for years. (I play guitar, for example, and took myself to lots of acoustic music clubs in the first couple of years after my divorce).

Of course, not all hobbies lend themselves to socialising, but most activities, unless they're really obscure, have meetings, talks, exhibitions, evenings and these days, of course, online forums you can join - almost all of them free. (Just go to Google and enter "your hobby +forum").

You'll soon find yourself absorbed in adding comments, exchanging ideas and before you know it, that feeling of being useful and significant, even if it's to a stranger on the other side of the world, will return.

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If you really are one of those people without any outside interests, consider how you choose to spend whatever leisure time you have. Do you read, watch TV, listen to plays on the radio, bake cakes?

Someone, somewhere wants to know about that. Find them - the internet now makes that incredibly easy, and if you have children or some other reason that makes it hard for you to go out a lot, as long as you have an internet connection, you can do much of this from your own home.

So get significant, and re-establish that you are still valued and valuable.

It's a feeling we all need, and it's vital to your recovery.

© Trevor Emdon

Tip 5: Only date yourself until you have love for life in your heart again.

Date yourself?! Well, yes!

Once or twice a month make the effort to take yourself out somewhere special. Go through the same motions as if you were really going on a special date. Dress up, even get yourself some new gear if you can afford to, make yourself smell and look a million dollars and go out on the town.

A nice restaurant, (take a taxi so you can treat yourself to a nice glass of wine if you want one), or theatre perhaps. Maybe both - but some form of entertainment

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is advisable otherwise there's a chance you'll sit alone in the restaurant feeling sorry for yourself!

If you're really bold, you could try dancing. These days, jive and salsa classes are very popular, usually very cheap, don't require previous experience, and above all, don't require you to have a partner.

It may take a little nerve to walk in alone, (find a same sex friend if you can to go with you, but don't make it a pre-requisite), but the effort will be greatly rewarded. You'll laugh - including at yourself if you're a novice, but not in a humiliating way, and you'll feel fabulous for the exercise and the music. Dance is great therapy!

The principle here is to learn to enjoy your own company. You'll also discover that we do now live in a society where being single is not such a terrible thing, and there's plenty to do and many friends to make.

The big "don't" is to start dating again - not until you can enjoy time in your own company and fill the empty hours without that being painful. Dating for the sake of ending the empty feeling will lead to uncomfortable endings for you and your date almost inevitably, since love is not the motivator, and both of you will end up with another rejection experience chalked up. Something you could both do without!

© Trevor Emdon

Tip 6: Smile!

Sounds silly, but it's easy to forget to smile!

Smiling releases endorphins - the feel-good chemicals in your brain.

If you do it where someone else can see you, you get smiled back at, and then both of you have a feel-good moment.

Smiling is completely free.

Smile at your reflection in the mirror - especially first thing in the morning when you have that "I hate everything about myself" feeling, and you're quite likely to end up chuckling! A good start to your day.

Make it your rule to quadruple the amount of smiling you do - at least - within a week. Then double it again.

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Smiling makes you, and everyone around you feel good. Period. So do it.

Major tip: If you find it too difficult to summon up a smile, you are still to focussed on what doesn't work. One technique I strongly recommend you try is "the Power Pause."

It is a very simple yet powerful way of dissolving any problem in about three minutes!

Try it!

© Trevor Emdon

Tip 7: Contribute.

One of the major ways to feel alive and special is to give something back. This complements the "feeling significant" tip.

You could work for a charity, but you could also cut the neighbours' lawn, or babysit for a friend. You could wash someone's car, make a cake for colleagues at the office, or write a best selling novel!

It doesn't matter how you do it, but if you don't feel you're making a difference, no matter how small or large in the world, you won't feel fully alive.

Come up with one of those "random acts of kindness" that was such a popular concept a few years ago, and perform it. Not just one time - but over and over again as the weeks go by!

Making yourself focus on this by asking yourself the question, "What good thing can I do today?" will be another contributory factor to your recovery and wellbeing.

Major tip: If you want to make the kind of difference that will never be forgotten, help yourself and others to find and live their true purpose in life. This program - The Roar Within - is designed to make that happen!

© Trevor Emdon

Tip 8: Grow.

This might be tough, especially at the beginning, but boy, it's powerful! What this means is: learn more about who you are, what you want, and how to be through what has happened. It doesn't mean taking the blame.

You'll find it's almost inevitable that this process will occur to some extent naturally during the early days after a major break up especially. Well meaning friends will try to help you answer the question you'll ask a million times both aloud and in your head: "Why?"

The temptation in attempting to answer it is to point the finger at the other person - the one who's seen as the cause of all your present pain - and point out all their faults.

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This has only a very temporary effect on making you feel better, and is really tantamount to trying to have the tallest house in town by knocking everyone else's down! You'll end up with the only house in town that way!

Well meaning friends are both well meaning and friends, but you should take some time out to sort out the well meaning parts from the friendships. It isn't always helpful to hear that you're the "goody" and the other person is the "baddy" in this drama.

In thoughtful moments alone, ask yourself, "What do I really want, expect and need from love and relationships?" Don't force the answers, but gently wait for them to pop into your head. It may prove useful to jot some of them down because they may surprise you to such an extent that you'll dismiss or deny them as simply "not you."

They came from somewhere, so allow them house room even if it's only privately in your own mind for a while. You're not obliged to act on them, but letting them be consciously there can truly give you insight into who you really are and what, ultimately, is going to contribute to your happiness.

We're all different, so don't judge yourself. If we were all the same it would be a very dull world indeed!

© Trevor Emdon

Tip 9: Enjoy uncertainty.

Imagine a world where the future is utterly predictable. You know what you're going to wear, eat and say from the moment you wake until you go to bed every day. You'd know exactly what time things will happen, even what the weather will be like and so on.

No variation, nothing different ever.

Anyone living in such a way would surely die of boredom!

(Some sufferers of severe forms of OCD - obsessive compulsive disorder - have the "need" to try to control their world almost to this extent, and it is totally debilitating for them of course).

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Of course, I'm exaggerating for the purpose of illustration here. However, after a great life-changing shock such as the ending of a relationship or a divorce, it's very comforting to hold onto everything that remains that was familiar. Routines, diets, tv schedules, what time you eat and so on might all be up for reconsideration now.

The trick is to enjoy the newness of it all. You don't have to change it, but you could!

Allowing change gives you a feeling of personal power and authority over your life again, rather than that awful sense of being at the mercy of circumstances.

© Trevor Emdon

Tip 10: Restore Your Trust In Relationships.

I've left this one till last because it isn't something you'll do on day one. Love, however, is a beautiful thing, and to deny it entirely in your life because you've been hurt - maybe more than once - would be like a great sportsperson saying they'll never play again because they broke a leg.

The divorce rate may be high, but the staying in love rate is still higher!

Look for news and gossip about happy relationships. (At the time of writing, for example, David and Victoria Beckham - "Posh and Becks" - seem to have survived well despite being always in the public eye).

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There are plenty. When you're single, you'll naturally be in the company of other single people, many wounded like you, who will contribute to a world view that relationships and love hurt, and are to be avoided at all costs.

You will miss out on one of the most delicious, gorgeous and enriching aspects of life if you allow this to become your permanent mind set.

You've been wounded - perhaps badly - but just like a physical injury, you can and will heal.

I have put together an entire recovery program for the moment when you are at least ready to consider this process called "How To Trust Love Again When Your Heart's Been Broken" .

I hope I've shown you - even convinced you - that the power to heal your love life, and your love of life - is not only already within you, it's easily within your capability.

Enjoy your journey.

Trevor Emdon. Contact me here

P.S. … If you're a woman who has previously been in a very abusive or even dangerous relationship, you might want to read this book entitled, "Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside The Relationship Of Inevitable Harm". I realise it's not everyone's bedtime reading, but there are some relationships you'd want a beltand-braces guarantee you'd never repeat the same mistakes - I understand that, so I've included the link for you.

© Trevor Emdon