Highlights From The Daily Week

Highlights from The Daily Week

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Christian leader says Star Wars not "a long time ago" GAZ PEARSON, SENIOR CORRESPONDENT Rev. John Towers of Raysville, Kentucky is up in arms against the movie Star Wars, claiming that the film is contrary to the teachings of the Bible. The minister's anger is directed at the film's famous opening words "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away". "This is a lie foisted on the credulous masses by scientists at Industrial Light and Magic," says Towers. "It did not happen a long time ago. According to Scripture, the events in Star Wars occurred in the early 1930s." Towers, pastor of the 3,000 member Jesus Is Lord Evangelical Assembly Church of the Jedi, has spent thirty years painstakingly connecting the events in the six Star Wars films with those in the Bible. "Those desert nomads, the Jawas, are obviously the Jews. And ObiWan represents the prophet Obadiah. And R2 is Aaron. Or maybe Artaxerxes. Or someone with a 2 in their name, like Ramses the Second." Towers has calculated just how "long ago" the events took place. "Everything you need to know about the timing of Star Wars can be found in Scripture," said Towers. "Specifically, Genesis 5:6 - 'And Seth lived an hundred and five years, and begat Enos'." Towers maintains that the biblical Seth is none other than the Sith, the sworn enemies of the Jedi Knights. "I have worked out the time between the birth of 'Seth' in Genesis, through the tribulations of the Jewish people, the life, death and resurrection of our dear Lord Jesus, and finally the appearance of Darth Maul in The Phantom Menace." Towers pegs the events depicted in Star Wars to somewhere in the early 1930s, and calculates that the destruction of the second Death Star in Return of the Jedi took place between February and March of 1934. "I wouldn't call that 'long ago'," scoffs Towers. "Especially when you figure that the first Star Wars came out in 1977." Towers added, "It's not far far away either. Ask anyone who who has seen a Wookiee - as I have.”

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Towers is petitioning his state government to legislate changes to future showings of the film. If it passes, the studio will be forced either to omit the controversial opening title lines, or accompany them with the warning, “It is only a theory that these events happened a long time ago in a galaxy far far away.” George Lucas, maker of the Star Wars films, has rejected Towers' repeated requests to change the sci-fi blockbusters. Said Lucas: “The Bible has nothing to do with it. The movies are just science fiction.” When informed of the remarks, Towers retorted, “Science doesn't enter into it. This fiction was created. And now it must be changed." Towers has high hopes the Kentucky State legislature will enact his petition in the coming weeks. "Then I can finally get back to the primary work of my church - proving that land of Middle Earth described in The Lord of the Rings was actually 1880s Minnesota."

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Courtroom abstract artist claims wrongful dismissal Courtroom artist Kristie Glands is suing her former employer, the Wertner International News Group for wrongful dismissal, after the media multinational fired her claiming that her abstract court art fell short of their standards. Glands is furious. "I was hired to portray the court as I see it. And this is how I see it - as a rich kaleidoscope of fastchanging colors, bound by the rigid procedures of the judicial environment." The case centers around her painting "Happenstance #3" (pictured above) rendered in pastels, acrylics and white tape. It was painted during the trial of Texas serial killer Malachi Harbiter, who broke free of guards during the proceedings and attacked and killed a court clerk and two jurors before finally being restrained by guards. "The other court artists were all trying to sketch the attacks," Glands remembers. "It looked like bad comc book art. But what I immediately noticed was the juxtaposition between the commotion of the courtroom and the gentle play of light entering the room through the leaves of a tree outside the window. I knew it was that inherent contradiction that I must capture." Her employers were unhappy with the resulting image and fired her. While Glands has strong support from the art community, she has been criticized by her colleagues in the courtroom, where she has a history of ruffling feathers. Judge Verian Largo objects to Ms Glands' practice of using her own naked body to apply the primary layers of paint to her works. "It's distracting," he said. "Especially when she calls out to the lawyers to move this way or that way. She says it's so she can get better composition, but I think she just wants folks to look at her." Largo also dislikes the artist's frequent use of her airbrush in the courtroom. "The compressor for that airbrush is noisy, and the paint stinks," he said. "It's okay for her - she's got an air filter strapped over her mouth and nose, but my bailiff gets sick from the plasticky smell. Plus, at the end of the day, I have a colored spray all over my papers and clothes. She gets no sympathy from me. I'm glad she's gone." Leslie Varney, a spokesman for Wertner International News Group said today that the company was within their rights in firing Glands. "It's quite obvious that Glands' work is not right for our media outlets," he said. "Her work has a staid, photographic appearance which fails to challenge the viewer in the age of the Internet." Varney added: "She has now been replaced by a promising new multimedia artist, who works in textiles and found objects."

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Dinosaur scientists scared of skeletons Paleontologists are leaving their field in record numbers, and the problem is skeletons. “Skeletons are the most scary thing known to science, but unfortunately, that’s what this field is all about,” said Erasmus Cope, Professor of Dinosauric Studies at the University of Alberta. According to Cope, paleontology is facing a brain drain crisis of brontosaurus proportions. “We can’t hang onto people. My students become paleontologists because they’ve seen dinosaurs in films and on television. I spend years teaching them biology, geology, biochemistry, radiometric dating, geochemical testing, and biostratigraphy. Then they take one look at a dinosaur skeleton and run away screaming.“ Wenda Trireme is a bowling alley manager in Calgary. At 39, she is just one of those who could not face life as a paleontologist. “I’d spent ten years unearthing a beautifully preserved Dilophosaurus, a therapod from the Early Jurassic period.” says Trireme. “I remember I pulled out the last piece of bone, a portion of the distal humerus, and stuck it on with Dino-Glue Seven. Then suddenly, for the first time, I looked at what I had created. It was a SKELETON! I couldn’t get away fast enough.” Cope is disappointed by his scared colleagues. “If it was dinosaur ghosts, I’d understand. Ghosts are scary. Who knows what ghosts could do? But dinosaur skeletons can’t hurt you. Even if they came alive, they have no muscles or brain, so they couldn’t move or breathe, and would quickly be dead again.” “If this goes on, paleontology could go from studying dinosaurs, to becoming a dinosaur,” he quipped, jestingly. “By which I mean that it wouldn’t be around any more. Of course, it wouldn’t literally become a dinosaur. That would be impossible.” With the ranks of researchers dropping by 30% annually, studies suggest that drastic measures are needed to stem the tide of running, screaming paleontologists. Cope suggests a simple solution: don’t look at dinosaur skeletons. “I’ve been in this field forty years, and I’ve never seen a dinosaur skeleton straight on. I make sure that any bones near me are safely disassembled. If must enter an area containing a complete dinosaur skeleton, I look at it only through a paleontological safety mirror.”

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2009 Readers Fiction Competition Winner 30 June 2009

The winner of our 2009 Reader Fiction competition was Olson Greeton, with his short story “Watch Men”. Our jury were struck by the terse, economical power of Greeton’s prose, and by its evocative imagery, masterfully describing a universe which is at once totally unique, and tantalizingly distant, like a vision of a remarkable, nightmare world seen through the eyes of a drunken illiterate.

Watch Men By Olson Greeton A guy was in a fight but who is he? He got punched and punched even though he was very strong but he eventually got defeated and throwed out the window breaking the window and falling to the ground with BLOOD and it got on his happy face badge. Rorshak later climbed up into the apartment wearing a mask which had black and white changing face shapes (v cool) but he didn’t find anything but he suspected the dead man was a Watch Man and later he look in the cupboard and press a button and bingo! it is his old equipment. Later Rorshak his old friends join in. There was Doctor Mahatan and Owl Man and Silk Spectre. Rorschack try to go see them but he don’t like it and teleport him away outside. They were afraid that someone was a mask killer which mean killer of ex super heros. They talk to Ozzy Mandius too but he’s rich now so he’s too busy to see them but he thanks them for letting him know what’s going on... OR IS HE? Then Owl Man and Silk Spectre go in an ally and get surrounded by thugs and fight them and he crack the guys arm and the bones snap horribly. Eww so cool. Afterwards it was so exciting they fall in love and... you can probably guess. Meanwhile Doctor Manhatan is perhaps the only person who can save the world, but he has left it and gone to Mars and made a giant watch (hint – Watch Man) and he think back to all the times in the past and Comedienne. Then he take Silk lady to visit him and he knows exactly what she’s going to say next but then he realizes she’s the daughter of the other guy who is dead so it’s like a MIRACLE to him and he comes back to earth again but it’s all in ruins. They got to see their friend Ozzy but he’s behind it all and he destroys the big blue guy but it doesn’t work because reassembling himself is the first thing he learned he say. And Rorshak get exploded, but the world is safe EXCEPT his journal got posted to that newspaper at the beginning which I forgot to mention.

THE END

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Earth to freeze - Climate skeptics thrilled Our planet is doomed to freeze into a lifeless, icy sphere, say researchers. The new results overturn previous studies which had mistakenly predicted a global rise in temperature. The new results show that earth's temperatures will go into freefall, freezing the oceans, and the air we breathe. The changes will utterly destroy all life on earth. Delighted climate change skeptics are claiming victory in the longrunning debate over global warming. "We've been saying all along that the climate scientists had their numbers wrong," said Roger Oakenshield, a spokesman for the Heartland Institute. "Now, after all the denials, we have hard proof that we are right. This is a wonderful, wonderful day." In its 2007 report, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) predicted a rise in temperature of between 1.1 to 2.9 °C during the 21st century. Red-faced scientists now admit that these figures were seriously flawed. "It should have said that the temperature would change TO between 1.1 and 2.9 degrees," said IPCC spokesmen Adam Leaff. "And it's not degrees Celsius, it's degrees Kelvin. It means our planet's temperature will fall close to absolute zero. The atmosphere will freeze into a crust of nitrogen-oxygen ice. All life on earth is doomed." At the Heartland Institute, the mood was ebullient. "We are going to party like there's no tomorrow which, from the look of it, there isn't!" crowed Oakenshield. "We've been saying all along that the best strategy is one of no regrets. The bleeding heart hippies were wrong, and we were right. We were absolutely right. We were positively right. That feels pretty good right now." The new report predicts that before the great freeze, the Earth will undergo catastrophic ocean changes which will destroy all human life. Many of these changes were previously overlooked due to problems translating imperial units to metric. "We announced that the oceans would rise by 3.1 mm next year," Leaff announced, to a hushed room. "We all assumed mm meant millimeters. It now appears that the scientist who compiled the data used mm to mean 'million miles'. Next year, this vast mega-tsunami will destroy the surface features or our world, then splash out beyond the moon's orbit, before evaporating in the vacuum of space." When presented with the latest IPCC forecast, Oakenshield commented, "Sounds like these so-called scientists should have stuck to good old American miles instead of switching to that socialist metric those European scientists are so in love with. But I guess we can all bury the hatchet, what with the world ending in a year. And, just so it's not forgotten, that's a year during which we will remain right, right right."

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Michael Jackson “black box” found CALIFORNIA – Investigators say they have recovered the black box of downed “King of Pop” Michael Jackson, just hours before the search was to be called off. The pop singer’s voice and data recorder is designed to emit signals with an infectious beat for 30 days after an accident. It was these faint signals which set the toes of the search team tapping, and led to the missing box. If the recorded data is intact, it will contain Jackson’s last sounds and dance moves. This data may be enough to allow investigators to reconstruct a final hit song. The data recorder was found near one of Neverland’s 1600 Ferris wheels, under a pile of bubble gum wrappers and old carpets. The search for the device was one of the largest in pop music history, with more than one hundred aircraft, ships and all-terrain vehicles scouring the vast Neverland region, aided by chimpanzee volunteers. Dudley Del Quantas, a spokesman for the accident investigation team, said that, without the black box, the secrets of Jackson’s last moments might have been lost to music forever. This could have severely limited opportunities to make a good “movie of the week” about Jackson. “But now there is hope.” The black box recording device has been installed in all music artists since 1972. Despite the name, the black box is not black, or box-shaped. Jackson had surgically removed the corners from his, and had it painted white.

North Korea successfully test-crashes seven ballistic missiles North Korea has conducted successful test crashes of seven ballistic missiles, according to the North Korean state-run newspaper, the Pyongyang Gleaner & Taedong Shopping News. One of the missiles, believed to be a Longdong-A ballistic missile, was photographed as it corkscrewed through the sky, flipped, and smashed sidelong into the Sea of Japan. "It was meant to do that," said Lieutenant-Colonel-Journalist Kim Dog Park, a spokescomrade for the Korean Central News Agency. "North Korea has now proved to the world its mastery of corkscrew flight, evasive flipping, and side-impact technology. And not going off." A second missile was then launched from cliffs overlooking the sea. After clearing the gantry with a brief burst of flame, the missile's rocket engines stopped, and it tumbled silently into the water. "This was a stealth missile," explained Lt-Col Park. "It will steadfastly patrol undetected beneath the waves, ready at any moment to take action against foreign provocations or US aggressors." The next missile exploded on the launch pad, igniting the four adjacent missiles in a ball of flame that was visible 100 km away. Said Park, "This was a glorious demonstration of the missiles' short-range capabilities. Only North Korean missiles can work together to destroy nearby targets. Enemy spies beware!" The missile tests follow recent test flights for a North Korean manned space mission, in which North Korea successfully scattered body parts across the Yellow Sea.

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YOUR MONEY Having trouble deciding if some money is yours? Money expert Ryan Neeswahl is here to help in our regular column. Dear Ryan: I have just started work at a major insurance company. At the end of my first two-week stint, I was handed a check for several thousand dollars. The check looked official, and had the company's logo. Is this really my money? I'm worried. Barbara, London Ryan says... Relax, Barbara. This sum is called a salary, and it is paid by some companies to their employees in exchange for work. It is definitely Your Money.

Dear Ryan: Last week, I went into a bank, pointed a gun at the teller, and told her I would shoot unless I received $50,000 in cash. But actually it was a trick. It would have been impossible for me to shoot anyone, because the gun wasn't even loaded. The way I see it, the bank made an error in giving me the money, and I should be allowed to keep it. Am I right? Curtis, Thornbeam Acres Ryan says... This kind of sloppy service is all too typical from bank tellers these days. The teller should have demanded proof that your weapon was loaded, and her failure to do so means that you have a good claim on the cash. But I'm afraid you will not be legally allowed to keep the money unless you have the bank's permission. Just go back to the bank and talk to the manager about your funny joke and your bad experience with the teller. If you're lucky, he should let you keep the money as compensation. Be sure to have him sign an E442 Righteous Theft form before you leave. At that point, it will be Your Money..

Dear Ryan: I have so much money that my wallet is bursting with it. It was given to me as a birthday present by an uncle who has since died. The notes are black, with five rounded extensions. My cousins say that because my uncle was their father, and they are closer relations, that the money does not belong to me. Is it My Money? Bruce, Winnipeg Ryan says... Your cousins are wrong. It is yours, but it sounds to me as if it's not technically money. I think what you have there is a pair of leather gloves. So, no, I'm afraid it is not Your Money.

Dear Ryan: Yesterday, while looking through my purse, I discovered a $10 bill. I don't remember putting it there. Is it my money, or should I turn it into the police. Lily, Bangor Ryan says... Of course, it's possible that you placed the money there at some point in the past and forgot, but is this likely? The money may have been dropped by a small child and been carried by the wind into your purse. It might have been placed there by the previous owner of the purse for times of desperate need. Or it might also have been placed by antipickpockets as part of a complex money laundering scheme. I know what I would do, but you must follow your conscience on this one.

Do you have questions about whether a sum of is yours? Send your question to Ryan, along with the money if you wish, and he will answer them. All submissions remain the property of Your Money.

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Small arms bring big football wins for Hellions The Timberville Hellions finally ended their long losing streak with a 10-0 win against the Granby Cougars, after trading their blue uniforms for dapper green camouflage and automatic weapons. Using a combination of suppressing fire and strategically placed antipersonnel devices, the Hellions dominated the game from the opening seconds, when a burst of gunfire from quarterback Tommy Pilkner felled a Cougars linebacker. The Cougars gave a disappointing performance during the game, appearing disorganized and inept as they attempted to drag the bodies of dead and wounded teammates from the field. Coach Werner Senger drew criticism last month for his decision to change the Hellions' traditional blue uniform for the Kevlar-lined body armor. But after the game there were few doubters. "I wish I'd done it years ago," he laughed. "This is exactly the kind of hard-hitting power this team has needed." Quarterback Pilkner was also pleased with his team's performance. "We had a good game. It all came together. It was mainly about teamwork, speed, and discipline. The uniforms and the high powered weaponry were kind of the icing on the cake, helping to build the morale of our team, and make a few holes in the other guys." Spirits were low in the the Granby Cougars dressing room, and coach Elliot Moorvale hinted that there would be significant changes to the team's lineup for the next game.

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Eight Top New iPhone Apps 13 July 2009

Looking for a hot new app for your iPhone? These sizzling gems of programming wizardry are guaranteed to turn heads, impress colleagues, and make you extremely popular and successful. Number 8 iPhone Toilet delivers all the fun of looking after a toilet without the mess or germs. Use the brush to keep your toilet clean, and the plunger when it becomes clogged. Toilet styles can be selected from ten designs, including a Victorian style, a Star Trek toilet, and an amusing wooden bucket. Unfortunately, the bathroom background is not changeable. Not a great game, but good value at $1.99.

Number 7 Put Down Your iPhone and Live. Those of us who are addicted to our iPhones may find that this game restores a little balance to our lives. In this groundbreaking app, you manipulate three body parts, a nose, a finger, and a foot, which interact with their environment. Rub your foot in the grass. Use the nose to smell the roses. Stroke a puppy. The app wears a little thin after a few hours of play, but at $1.99, it's a no-brainer.

Number 6 Which Plinth? You get to examine various plinths and place things on top of them. Arguably the most popular of the plinth-themed games, and a worthy sequel to the cult hit Which Pilaster. Limited, sure, but how can you say no at $1.99?

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Number 5 Rite-On Scribble Pad. Don't waste another penny on clumsy notepads this novel app turns the iPhone screen into a perfect copy of a piece of paper. The user can then draw on the iPhone glass using any permanent marker. The pen marks are easily removed again with rubbing alcohol, although this may damage your iPhone. Not a sophisticated application, but at just $1.99, who cares?

Number 4 iRob takes a different approach to iPhone messages, allowing the user to select from a menu of dozens of sinister threats, ranging from "Give me $20 or I will break your arm," to "I have a gun. Hand over all the money in the vault." You'll quickly make back many times the cost of the app, which is a bargain at $1.99.

Number 3 Heads or Tails Deluxe presents a beautifully rendered penny on a lovely green baize background. Shaking the iPhone causes the penny to jump. You can enjoy guessing whether it will come down heads or tails. There are no statistics or fancy menus - it's just plain coin-tossing fun. Play time is short, at only a few seconds per game, but it's worth picking up for the low price of $1.99. Number 2 iMailerPro is the best of the self-mailer apps. Just type in the mailing address and it will appear on the iPhone screen. You can then drop your iPhone in the mailbox, confident that it will reach its destination, as long as the battery doesn't run out. Don't forget to add a real stamp - the onscreen one won't work in most areas. Reasonably priced at $1.99. Number 1 The Battle of Maldon offers something new for combat fans. Be warned, though - despite the gory splashscreen, this is not an action game, but only a slowly scrolling text of the 11th century Anglo Saxon poem. Choose between two fonts and three styles of parchment. Those not fluent in Anglo Saxon may find it hard to follow, but buy it anyway - it's only $1.99.

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Titanic sunk by collision with Hindenberg claims realtor Did the Titanic collide with an iceberg? Not according to Acreville realtor and Titanic expert Evan Kroons. His discoveries are set to overturn everything we thought we knew about the famous maritime disaster. "The Titanic was made of metal," Kroons explains. "An iceberg is just ice, through and through. Metal is way stronger. Trust me on this one. I'm convinced that only one thing could have sunk this unsinkable vessel an airship the exact size and shape of the Hindenburg." After years of investigating the subject, using both books and World Wide Web technology, Kroons, has concluded that the Titanic's own distress messages were misinterpreted. "Their radio was damaged, so some words got chopped out." According to Kroons, the Titanic's actual message was not "We've hit an iceberg" but "We've hit a nice (... big airship - the Hinden...) berg". "Yes, they said 'nice' not 'ice"', says Kroons. "In those days, an airship was an amazing sight. They probably thought, what a nice airship." But the awe and delight of the passengers turned to terror when the giant airship struck the Titanic, scraping a long hole through its steel hull, dooming the great ship to a watery grave, and causing its band to play on. Kroons first doubts about the Titanic disaster arose when he discovered that the Titanic sank in April. "It was springtime," says the real estate and history expert. "It was the kind of April evening when you might stand at the front of the boat with a girl and say you're the king of the world or something. If it had been iceberg weather, he'd have worn a big coat." Kroons' discovery also shed's light on the famous Hindenburg disaster. "People always say how the Hindenburg crashed when it landed. But NO! The Hindenburg caught fire when it hit the Titanic. The Hindenburg captain saw the fireballs coming out of the side. He knew they were in trouble, and flew at top speed to the nearest place it could - New Jersey, where people filmed it. But it didn't catch fire then. It was ALREADY on fire. People just couldn't see it because the fire was round the other side. Then the fire spread round to the side they could see, and everyone said, oh, it's caught fire. Wrong, actually. It was on fire for hours." When asked to explain how Hindenburg disaster occurred 25 years after the Titanic, Kroons explained that people often got dates wrong in those days. But if the dates are correct, it might open up an even more fascinating possibility. "That a rip in the fabric of the Hindenburg might have created a rip in the fabric of time."

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Mathematicians celebrate baffling new proof Mathematicans around the world were celebrating today, after the announcement that Glimpi's Conjecture had been proved by Edward Chen and Elias Gruenwald at MIT. The 29-year-old Chen said, "We are delighted. Glimpi's Conjecture is literally the Holy Grail of numeric set lassitude mathematics." Gruenwald laughed as he added "And of non-polychromic mathematics in general!" Reaction from mathematicians worldwide was swift. "Whatever Glimpi's Conjecture is, it sounds like these young men have solved it," said Roger Plapper, from Britain's Royal Society of Sums. "This breakthrough is tremendously, tremendously exciting. We are living in historic times." Plapper admitted that, with so many branches of mathematics, he was unable to understand the proof himself. "It's a very specialized field," he said. "I haven't studied numeric set lassitude mathematics, or even heard of it until this morning. But that's what's so wonderful about it. It sounds like really hard maths." According to the press release from discoverers Chen and Gruenwald, Glimpi's Conjecture is a longstanding thorn in the side of mathematicans studying the field of numeric set lassitude. First formulated in 1826 by German-Hungarian mathematician and chiropractor Brian Glimpi, it states that any n-array value not including b must be bi-literate as an n+b substrate of the embracing Tau set. "I don't understand a word of it," said Plapper. "That tells me that these people must be really smart." In an afternoon press conference, the young mathematicans explained their discovery in concrete terms. Said Gruenwald, "Imagine that you are standing on a sled, travelling sideways, while balls of various colors are thrown at you from behind, from another sled. You don't know how many colors there are in total, but if you are hit by a red ball, it will hurt you. Well, obviously, that's a perfect example of Glimpi's Conjecture in action." Chen added, "The math may be hard, but we deal with it every day. For example, imagine a spinning disk, painted half white and half black. A cube is dropped onto it, hits the disk, and flies off in an arbitrary direction. Now imagine a room filled with such disks and cubes. Sometimes the flying cubes hit each other, and sometimes they don't. And that's what Glimpi's Conjecture is all about. It's that easy." The pair then showed a picture of a complex golden cube, which represented a graph of the proof. Around the world, mathematicians were amazed by the discovery. "This is going to shake up everything," said Zaj Klywj, Professor of Mathematics at the University of Toronto. "It sounds like Glimpi's is one of the big ones, for sure. It's one of those things that sounds easy, but then you look at it and it's confusing. Beautiful. This is probably the sort of discovery that will get an Abel Prize or Fields Medal or something. This Tau set n-array stuff, or whatever they said, it sounds really impressive." Back at MIT, the excitement was so great that the Department of Non-Polychromic Mathematics suspended classes for faculty and both students.

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Warcraft, EverQuest good for kids say Dwarves Far from isolating children from friends and reality, games like World of Warcraft and Everquest help them to become productive members of society, say researchers in the Dwarven city of Ironforge. "I'm constantly hearing from parents who are concerned about the time their kids spend playing World of Warcraft," said head researcher and hunter Talin Keeneye. "They're afraid that their kids will obsess over the game, becoming withdrawn and antisocial, as they become absorbed in a fantasy world. But nothing could be further from the truth." Keeneye has compiled thousands of examples of children as young as 7, who, thanks to online games, have made a positive contribution to society. "Recently, Coldridge Valley was becoming dangerous from an explosion in the boar population. We needed help to reduce their numbers, and who do you think stepped up to the plate? It wasn't the Dwarven guards, who are paid to carry out that kind of job. No, it was ordinary kids, doing their bit to help out. I don't know where we'd be without them." Tharek Blackstone, a toolsmith in Dun Morogh, couldn't agree more. "I needed a set of tools delivered to Beldin Steelgrill, who owns the local mechanic shop some distance away. I didn't have time to go myself, so you can imagine how pleased I was when a young kid offered to run the errand for me. It warms my heart to see young people taking an interest in those around us, not to mention gaining some real-world experience." Keeneye's study reports more than 10,000 similar cases, not only from the vicinity of Ironforge, but from such far-flung locations as Silvermoon, Thunder Bluff, and Stormwind City. "Everywhere you look, these young people are busy helping out, delivering flowers, wiping out plagues of dangerous creatures, which seem to continually appear out of nowhere, or finding ingredients for a local cook, who is constantly running out. And the situation is just the same for my colleagues over in EverQuest. Does that sound like escaping reality? Because to me it sounds like living life to the fullest achieving your maximum potential as a human being, or goblin, or night elf, or whatever you are." But while Keeneye is in favor of kids spending more time questing, he doesn't mind if they spend an hour or two outside it. "Kids also need downtime," he says. "If they want to spend it in these so-called reality games, playing mindless games like baseball, or reading about fictional character in books, that's fine. Just as long as they don't forget to kill monsters and run errands for helpless townsfolk." In fact, when he's not out hunting, Keeneye himself admits a fondness for online computer games. "I play a Level 27 stockbroker, who is currently in the middle of a quest to pay off the mortgage on his city apartment," he laughs. "It's all good fun, but I don't let it take over my life."

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Computed: The world's most beautiful woman 17 July 2009

The perfect woman may not exist in reality, but scientists now know what she would look like. The discovery follows five years of painstaking work by researchers at Montreal's McGill University, who digitally selected and blended the best features of the world's most beautiful woman, to create a single composite face, revealed here for the first time. "We hope she will become the gold standard in female beauty," said project leader Professor Pierre Kleb, head of the Department of Pulchritude. "We have named her Bernice, after an attractive graduate student I once knew." The hardest part of the work involved selecting Bernice's features from the thousands of possible candidates. But Kleb is pleased with the final results. "For Bernice's cheeks, we needed to look no further than the lovely Halle Berry," said Kleb. "And her eyes were those of beautiful dead British actress Audrey Hepburn, star of Roman Holiday, Gigi and Breakfast at Tiffany's." Kleb's team spent six months deciding on the most perfect female ears, before finally choosing those of Hollywood actress Angelina Jolie as the best in the world. The lovely Lindsay Lohan was selected as having the most perfect nose, while Bernice's golden-blonde hair came from Jennifer Aniston. The hypothetical super-beauty's cheeks are based on those of Halle Berry. "Halle's surname is Berry, but her cheeks are like two lovely ripe apples," quipped Kleb. And for a mouth? "There we went old school," said Kleb. "Our analysis showed that the most perfect mouth belonged to none other than Marilyn Monroe." The final composite, pictured below, has now been revealed to the public for the first time. (See next page.) The McGill team will continue their work, to give Bernice a body that will match her beautiful face. "I can't say too much," said Kleb, "but I will tell you that the left breast belongs to Scarlett Johansson.

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"Bernice" - The world's most beautiful woman

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Classifieds Employment GET YOUR CHILD INTO CHIMNEY SWEEPING. Make $100s each year. SootyTots is the leading agency for talented young chimney sweep assistants. No need to waste time on beauty pageants or baby contests. Reasonable listing fee. Guaranteed income. Narrow children only please. Fully insured against loss. Contact Obadiah Graspweasel. Box 1847. MAKE UP TO $50K PER YEAR WATCHING TV. Could be more. Could be less. Could be nothing at all. The mystery feeds the excitement. You have nothing to lose. Learn the secret: $100. Box 3219. LOOKING FOR ROOFERS, LABORERS. Misplaced about six weeks ago. Possibly left on top of tall building. Answers to “You guys”. Please contact Sam. Box 2111. FRELANCE EDITER AVALABLE. Lo-rates hi-quatily work. Nesletters broshures corperate reports , fliers adn stuf for weedings and funrals. “u name it I ed-it”. Call Elziabeth. Bxo 4344. CAULKERS WANTED. If you can caulk, you’re the one for us. Caulking is the thing we need. Box 1314. Merchandise HOSPITAL BANDAGES. Ideal for stuffing toys, pillows sold in shady back alleys. Box 2552. ARE YOU OVERWEIGHT? I’m not. I’m just big-boned, and my clothes have shrunk from too many washes. Box 1948. FOUR TOILET ROLLS. Some water damage and staining after exposure to rusty water from the back of the sink. $3 or best offer. Box 2. HOT TUB. 2008 model loaded, warr. Includes original hot water. Box 9053. ELECTRONIC COMPUTER. Includes digital memory and keyboard input. Comes with attached pointing “mouse” device. Box 774. Services STAR TREK episodes identified while you wait. Tell us the action and we'll tell you the title and ep number. Box 1701. 17

WE DO IT ALL! Fast work. Rapid progress. In another six months we will have done it all. Box 7457. FREE ESTIMATES. Mrs Enid Snow is willing to estimate anything. Populations of third world countries, number of pennies in a jar. Complete discretion assured. Box 9977. CRIMINAL OFFENCES? We do them all, from littering to murder. Free consultation and assault. Call Carl and Mike. Box 2831. SEEKING BABYSITTING JOB. The job was lost on subway Thursday night. Short. Blond hair. Purple-capped sippy cup. Answers to Mikey. $3 reward. Box 2025. Lost and Found FOUND: Blue plastic pen cap to PaperMate disposable ballpoint pen. Some scratching to the underside. Pocket clasp slightly bent. Found by side of road. Rest of pen crushed. Please call to claim. NOTE: Due to the high cost of advertising, I will run this ad for only eight more weeks, after which the pen cap will be handed over to the police. Box 8231. FOUND: Large aluminum lamp posts with working light. Found abandoned at side of road. Also 15 traffice meters and 2 mailboxes (with mail). Box 614. LOST: Cullinan diamond. 3,106 carats. Great sentimental value. If found, please contact Elizabeth. $20 reward. Box 8428. THING FOUND: Contact me telling me what the thing is, where you lost it, and describing any identifying features. Box 6555. Pets LABRADOR PUPS. Purebred. Dewormed. $500 each or 2 for $1000. Box 6671. LABRADOR WORMS. Freshly extracted. Play with them on their own, or insert them into any Labrador for hours of fun. Box 6671. Apartments ONE BEDROOM. Includes bed. Would make useful addition to any home. Could be used for storage. Box 4412. ROOMMATE WANTED for attractive lesbian couple. Would prefer overweight, middleaged, balding male. Must not be shocked by our naughty antics. Box 6969. PRIVATE PENTHOUSE APARTMENT. Rest of building demolished. Incl. long ladder and winch for groceries. Box 602. LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION. Large barrel overlooking river. Needs replacement wood. New hoops. Land not included. Box 254. Personals ARE YOU THE YOUNGISH WOMAN with purple hair and nose stud in Chapters bookstore last Wednesday? I pointed out a science fiction book you might be interested in. I felt a connection. Am I right? Let's get together and see. Box 2040. 18

MAYTAG REFRIGERATOR seeks brass desk lamp with green shade for discreet intimate encounters. Box 3111. ARE YOU THE SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT LADY WITH POODLE with blondish hair and a cough? I ran into you in High Park two weeks ago. I complemented your dog, but I think something more passed between us. Let's talk. Box 2040. SENSITIVE OLD FASHIONED GUY, 59. Balding, a few extra pounds, modest income. Looking for the right woman for companionship and possible matrimony. Must be an Alist Hollywood actress. Blonde preferred. Porn stars considered. Box 1943. LOOKING FOR LOVE IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES. Have searched in grocery freezers, sewer grates, in exhaust of buses. No luck at all. Any advice gratefully accepted. Box 912. ARE YOU THE CHINESE OR JAPANESE WOMAN moving refrigerator with her unattractive friend on Lilley Rd. on Tuesday? I said it looked like hard work for two little ladies. I felt a vibe. Let's connect. Box 2040.

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