Fresnosos November Newsletter

Volume XII, Issue #11: November 2009

Survivors of Suicide Loss a publication of Fresno Survivors of Suicide Loss, Inc.

S u r v i v o r s u p p o r t a n d s u i c i d e p r e v e n t i o n e d u c a t i o n p ro g r a m s

2585 East Perrin Avenue #102, Fresno, CA 93720 Telephone: (559) 322-5877/FAX (559) 322-1140 www.fresnosos.org L i n d a G i n i s e , N e w s l e t t er E d i t o r

SURVIVOR SUPPORT GROUP MEETINGS

In This Issue Soup For The Soul . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1

Fresno

SOS Local Group News . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2

Hope Lutheran Church Conference Room Northwest corner of Fresno & Barstow (Enter parking lot from Fresno Street) WHEN: TUESDAY** November 17, 7-9:00 pm **(3rd Tuesday of every month)

Our Third Survivor Quilt . . . . . . . . . . 2 Our New Website . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2 Speakers’ Bureau . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2 Macy’s Charity Day Sale . . . . . . . . . . 2 Donations . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2

Visalia

Call If You Need to Talk . . . . . . . . . . 2 Outside Events. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3 11th Annual National Survivors of Suicide Day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3 From Our Library . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3 In Loving Memory . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3 Articles . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4 Handling the Holidays . . . . . . . . . . . . 4 Surviving The Holidays—Thoughts On Coping . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5 Tips For Handling The Holidays . . . . . . 5 Pain . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6

Rainbow/Sawyer Industries Conference Room, 536 S. Lovers Lane WHEN: WEDNESDAY November 18, 6:30-8:00 pm Information: Carla Sawyer, 786-1525 If you have children you feel would benefit from meetings, you are welcome to bring them. However, if your child is under 15 years of age, you may want to consider the Footsteps Program at St. Agnes, or Hind’s Hospice, 248-8579; 12-week sessions include services for children as young as 3 years old.

OTHER EVENTS Soup For The Soul

November 21st: National Survivors’ Day

No love, no friendship can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever. Francois Muriac

Ever wish you had back copies of the newsletter? They are now available for $10, including issues back to 2002, on a CD in Adobe Acrobat format. Contact the office.

November 2009

SOS Local Group News

Donations

Our Third Survivor Quilt

Thank you to the following generous donors this past month—you make our many programs possible!

We are completing our 3rd memorial quilt. Some of you Leann Gouveia signed up but have not made arExecutive Director rangements with us to turn in your quilt square. We have a strict deadline of December 1, 2009. If you signed up, please get the square to us before the deadline.

• Mary Young, in memory of Ellen Belanger • David & Sylvia Fike, in memory of Thomas Beggs • SLP Sunshine Club, in memory of Thomas Beggs Our New Website • Judy Wathen-Farris, We are in the final in memory of Thomas S.H.A.R.E.S Card stages of our (fabulous Beggs If you have the S.H.A.R.E.S Card for new) website update. • Leann Gouveia, in SaveMart, Smart Foods, Food Max, and Lucky, We appreciate your pamemory of Thomas please don’t forget to use it! If you don’t have tience as we transfer our Beggs one, please call the office and we will mail one to information to a more • Robert & Carla Box, you. user- friendly and active in memory of Jeffrey site. During the transfer This card costs you nothing, but if you use Allen Box , November of our website quilt, we it when you purchase groceries at the above 6, 1998, loving son of unfortunately lost the stores, we will receive a donation. Robert & Carla Box, photos. If you would brother of Michael like to email us a photo and Jessica Box for our website quilt, • Carol Hansen please send to [email protected]. And we’ll start a new one. • Richard & Frances Knipper, in memory of Pattey L. Keefe Speakers’ Bureau • Tom & Janet Flanagan VOLUNTEERS NEEDED! We are planning • Rotary Club of Fresno another speakers’ bureau training after the first of • Dick & Sandy Gallagher the new year. If you are interested in becoming a • William Henry, in memory of Mark Henry volunteer speaker for SOS, please contact me for additional information. This is a very rewarding • Jim & Kristy Watkins experience. • Evelyn Arnold, in memory of Diane Applegate Hicks Macy’s Charity Day Sale • Linda Ginise We are doing well on this fundraiser—our • Sam & Linda Lucido first sale day was Saturday, October 24th, at the • Jeff Lawton, California Quality Printing new River Park store. The second sale is Saturday, November 14th at Fashion Fair; this ticket is good Call If You Need to Talk in other locations as well, but not in this area (the previous ticket was good in Visalia). If you are not comfortable talking in a group—as at our monthly meetings—and prefer to We still have tickets! Please call the office, talk one-on-one, call the office, (559) 322-5877. 322-5877 and we will get them out to you. Page 2

November 2009 Leann will arrange for someone to get back to you as soon as possible. (Remember that we do not have full-time staff in the office, so you may have to leave a message.)

If you are feeling really energetic, a detailed, step-by-step guide is available at their website on how to go about organizing a conference location in your individual area. Survivors, family and friends can then view the broadcast as a group.

Outside Events From Our Library

11th Annual National Survivors of Suicide Day A Day of Healing for Survivors of Suicide Loss Around the U.S. and the World On Saturday, November 21, 2009, simultaneous conferences for survivors of suicide loss will take place throughout the U.S. and internationally. This unique network of healing conferences helps survivors connect with others who have survived the tragedy of suicide loss, and express and understand the powerful emotions they experience. Each conference site is organized locally, but they’re all connected in spirit as participants across the globe watch a special 90-minute AFSP broadcast together on that day. In the U.S., conference sites will show the broadcast together from 1-2:30 p.m. Eastern Standard Time and international sites will show it from 1-2:30 p.m. local time. Many conference sites plan their own local programs around the broadcast, including panels and breakout groups, all aimed at helping survivors heal.

We have a large collection of books on a variety of different approaches to grief and the grieving process. Some books are written by mental health professionals, but there are a large number of books written by survivors as well. If you would like to check out a book, or just check out our collection to see what might interest you, please call the office. And do, please, call before you go; we do not have full-time office personnel. Someone may need the book you have Please return all books in a timely manner

In Loving Memory In loving memory, and in celebration of the lives of:

For those survivors of suicide loss who don’t live near a conference site or who find it difficult to attend in person, the 90-minute broadcast will also be available live on the AFSP website from 1-2:30 pm, Eastern Standard Time, with a live online chat immediately following the program. It will then be saved on the website so that survivors can watch it again throughout the year at anytime. You must register to participate in the online session: Go to www.afsp.org and follow the links for this event. A complete list of conference locations is available on their website. The only location in the Central Valley is Bakersfield; call Ellen Eggert Hallgren, 661-868-1552. There are a number of others in California, including most of the major cities. See the website for full details.

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Ann Fernandez, mother of Allison Lang Richard Montez Garza, husband of Misty Radford Michael Thomas Wentworth (November 1, 1998), son of Tom & Colleen Wentworth Joseph James Guadagno (November 1, 2004), son of Jennie Guadagno; brother of Janelle Thomas John Allen Richards (November 4, 2003), husband of Cindy Richards; grandfather of Cassy Richards; brother-in-law of Ellen Bolding John Pritchard, Sr. (November 5, 1957), father of Ann Nenning Robert Weber (November 5, 1971), father of Tom Weber

November 2009 Jeffrey Allen Box (November 6, 1998), son of Robert & Carla Box; brother of Michael & Jessica Box Robert John Wierman (October 13, 1970 to November 7, 1995; 25 years of age), son of Trina Wierman Matt Thorne (November 7, 2006), son of Renee Thorne Nicholas Jason Cattelan (October 27, 1978 to November 10, 2006; 28 years of age), son of Larry & Judy Cottom Dr. L. E. Walker (November 11, 1987), husband of Ann Sessoms Daniel Kellert Yohman (November 11, 1998), son of Dan & Donna Yohman Cesar Ivan Martinez (November 11, 2006), husband of Natalie Martinez; cousin of Arturo & Miguel Angel Sandate Joshua Varela (November 12, 2001), son of Armando & Martha Varela Gregory P. Trauth (November 15, 1999), brother of Angela Trauth, MSW Jacob Curtis Lehr (November 18, 2004), son of Linda Zsiba; nephew of Curtis Zsiba Justin Joseph Stone (November 18, 2004), son of Christina Stone-Weise Julie Marie Fazio (July 26, 1969 to November 20, 1992; 23 years of age), daughter of Linda Fazio; sister of Tony & Stacey Fazio Sharon Ennis Perry Hughes (May 16, 1943 to November 21, 1994; 51 years of age), mother of Leann Gouveia George M. Patterson (November 21, 1999), husband of Pam Barak Patterson; father of Keith & Lisa Rossignol Rudy Matthew Perez (November 22, 2000), son of Linda Erik Johnson (November 22, 2001), son of Tamara Johnson

Tom Bell (November 24, 2001), fiance of Dori Boston Amy Smelser (November 28, 2007), aunt of Eddie & Erin Martinez Charles L. Reed (November 30, 2003), husband of Trudi Reed

Articles Handling the Holidays Every year at this time we publish tips on handling the holidays. This is a time of year when many people experience depression, even without the additional burden of having lost someone very close and dear to suicide. Whether this is your first holiday season without their presence, or the fifth, or the tenth, or more, these occasions sometimes surprise us with the intensity of our feelings or overwhelming nostalgia in remembering happier times. Preparing yourself beforehand by deciding what you can comfortably do and what you prefer to avoid can be a great help. As painful as it may seem, anniversaries and holidays are good occasions for remembering the person you loved who died. Many families have discovered that a time set aside for everyone’s memories will bring back some of the happiness of the past through the pain of the present. You need memories—good and bad— because they are a living monument you will always have. You can gather memories from other people in the family, from the loved one’s friends, and add these to yours. As long as you live, someone you loved will still be alive in your memory. I hope you will find something that will help you through the holiday season ahead. The articles are reproduced in their entirety, as required by the source. There is some repetition, but the ideas are very good and worth considering to help you in getting through what might be a difficult time. Keep in mind that others will take their cue from you; if you want them to talk to you about the loved one you have lost—you must start the discussion. Many people have no idea what to do or

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November 2009 say in situations like this—and you may have been one of them in the past—so because of fear of stirring up memories that may get you upset, they opt to say nothing. You have to let them know that you want to talk. And remember—however well-intentioned others may be, YOU are the only one who knows “what is best” for YOU—there is no “right” or “wrong” way to celebrate the holiday season.!!

Donate a gift or money in your loved one’s name. Try to get enough rest. From Bereavement & Loss Resources November/December 1993 Tips For Handling The Holidays 1. Decide what you can handle comfortably and let family and friends know.

Linda Ginise, Editor

•

Surviving The Holidays—Thoughts On Coping . . . There is no right or wrong way to handle the day. Some may wish to follow family traditions, while others may choose to change. Focus your celebrations on winter: go to a mountain lodge; go sledding or skiing, or just take a walk in the woods—time out to enjoy what nature has to offer in this season. Include the deceased in your conversations and celebrations. Hang a stocking for your loved one in which people can put notes with their thoughts or feelings. Look at photographs. Once others realize that you are comfortable talking about your loved one, they can relate stories that will add to your pleasant memories. Keep in mind the feelings of your children or family members. Try to make the holiday season as joyous as possible for them. Plan to be with the people YOU enjoy. Do something for others: volunteer at a soup kitchen; visit the lonely and shut-ins; ask someone who is alone to share the day with your family; provide help for a needy family; volunteer at the airport to pour coffee for stranded travelers or offer to volunteer in a hospital on the holiday; if your city has a Ronald McDonald House, see if you can help make their holiday happier. Don’t be afraid to express your feelings. Allow people to comfort you. They need to feel they are helping in some way. Remember, anticipation of any holiday is usually much worse than the actual holiday.

• •

Can I handle the responsibility of the family dinner, etc., or shall I ask someone else to do it? Do I want to talk about my loved one or not? Shall I stay here for the holidays or go to a completely different environment?

2. Make some changes if they feel comfortable for you. •

• •

Open presents Christmas Eve instead of Christmas morning. Vary the timing of Channukah gift giving. Have dinner at a different time or place. Let the children take over decorating the house, the tree, baking and food preparation, etc.

3. Re-examine your priorities: Greeting cards, holiday baking, decorating, putting up a tree, family dinner, etc. • •

Do I really enjoy doing this? Is this a task that can be shared?

4. Consider doing something special for someone else.

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• • • •

Donate a gift in the memory of your loved one. Donate money you would have spent on your loved one as a gift to charity. Adopt a needy family for the holidays. Invite a guest (foreign student, senior citizen) to share festivities.

November 2009 5. Recognize your loved one’s presence in the family. Burn a special candle to quietly include your loved one. Hang a stocking for your loved one in which people can put notes with their thoughts or feelings. Listen to music especially liked by the deceased. Look at photographs.

10. Keep in mind that the experience of many bereaved persons is that they do come to enjoy holidays again. there will be other holiday seasons to celebrate. 11. Don’t be afraid to have fun. Laughter and joy are not disrespectful. Give yourself and your family members permission to celebrate and take pleasure in the holidays. Reprinted with permission from Bereavement Magazine 888 604-HOPE (4673) www.bereavementmag.com

6. If you decide to do holiday shopping, make a list ahead of time and keep it handy for a good day, or shop through a catalog. 7. Observe the holidays in ways which are comfortable for you. There is no right or wrong way of handling holidays. Once you’ve decided how to observe the time, let others know. 8. Try to get enough rest — holidays can be emotionally and physically draining. 9. Allow yourself to express your feelings. Holidays often magnify feelings of loss. It is natural to feel sadness. •

Pain Never let there be a time when I cannot feel the pain, When hurt and sadness are blocked out and only numbness reigns. At least with pain I am alive, but numbness will destroy, For if I cannot feel the pain, then I cannot feel the joy. Joanetta Hendel, TCF Greater Indianapolis, IN

Share concerns, apprehensions, feelings with a friend. The need for support is often greater during holidays.

We need your help: TOGETHER WE MAKE A DIFFERENCE!! Donations: One-time cash gifts, or gifts designated for a special event or project. Memorial Gifts made in memory of a loved one. Honor Gifts made to remember a birthday, anniversary, or special occasion. Planned Giving through your will, trust, stocks, real property, or life insurance policy. In-Kind Gifts: Valuable personal property such as heirlooms or antiques, arts, vehicles, or personal/business equipment can be donated for our benefit and the benefit of the community. Our expanded programs—both those planned and those in place—require funding. Our goals include the support of survivors of suicide, and the education of the general public regarding depression and suicide. Our focus is educating the public and saving lives.

Name: ___________________________________

Contributions of any amount are greatly appreciated, and are tax deductible.

Phone: ___________________________________

Address: __________________________________ City/State/Zip:_____________________________