Final Friends Spec Lina Henrik

FRIENDS "The One With Monica's Television Debut"

Written by Lina Larson - Henrik Barenborg

1 LMU DRIVE MSB-1505 Los Angeles, CA 90045 (206)455-1551

FINAL DRAFT 04 24, 2018

(CONT’D) (CONT’D) (CONT’D) (CONT’D) (CONT’D) TEASER INT. CENTRAL PERK - DAY (ROSS, JOEY, PHOEBE, RACHEL, MONICA) ROSS WALKS IN THE FRONT DOOR AND MAKES HIS WAY TO THE COUCHES WHERE THE GANG IS HANGING OUT. ROSS Heyo guys! ROSS LETS OUT A LOUD SNEEZE. JOEY SHIELDS HIS CROISSANT AS ROSS SITS DOWN. JOEY Whoa there! Watch it sick-o! ROSS SITS BETWEEN RACHEL AND PHOEBE AND THEY SLOWLY SCOOT AWAY FROM HIM TO THEIR RESPECTIVE ENDS ON THE COUCH. PHOEBE Hey Ross! How are you feeling? RACHEL TUCKS HER FACE INTO HER SHIRT. ROSS I’m just fighting a minor cold. PHOEBE SCOOTS A LITTLE FURTHER AWAY FROM HIM. JOEY Geez, Ross, you haven’t repelled women like that since... I guess the last time you tried to flirt with one.

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2. ROSS Thanks Joey... I didn’t realize you all were a bunch of germaphobes.

ROSS SNEEZES, STARTLING EVERYONE. PHOEBE Somebody get the leper a tissue! RACHEL, WITH HER SHIRT COVERING HER NOSE AND MOUTH GRABS THE STRAW OUT OF JOEY’S DRINK AND USES IT TO PUSH A TISSUE BOX ON THE COFFEE TABLE TOWARDS ROSS. ROSS Okay that’s a little overkill. RACHEL Hey, we have a baby to take care of so I’m not taking any chances here. And don’t act like you don’t do the same thing when you change Emma’s diaper! AS ROSS LEANS TOWARD THE TISSUES HE GETS ANOTHER SNEEZE ATTACK AND ACCIDENTALLY PICKS UP THE CROISSANT INSTEAD. PHOEBE AND RACHEL GASP IN DISGUST. JOEY STANDS UP AND THROWS HIS HANDS IN THE AIR. JOEY Ah man! I don’t like jelly croissants! ROSS PUTS THE CROISSANT BACK ON JOEY’S PLATE. MONICA RUSHES INTO CENTRAL PERK. MONICA I have incredible news! Do you know Good Morning with Brenda Lee Jones? PHOEBE FREES HER FACE FROM HER SHIRT.

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3. PHOEBE Yeah! Once I saw her reading the paper on the subway. She has a glass eye! MONICA Okay... well I’ve been invited on to be a guest chef! JOEY Whoa! How did she get a glass eye? PHOEBE She said she got it from looking up at the eclipse on the golf course. RACHEL Anyway... That’s amazing! What are you making? MONICA Italian Bucatini Carbonara. ROSS What exactly is a Buca de Carboniti? MONICA It’s just the traditional Carbonara combining pancetta or some toothsome guanciale with foraged egg yolks, and a curated selection of cheese reduction. Deconstructed, of course.

JOEY AND PHOEBE LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND SHRUG. ROSS, COUGHING, STANDS UP. MONICA AVOIDS HIM. ROSS I’m so proud of you Monica!

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4. MONICA Don’t even think about touching me with those germ infested hands!

ROSS PLUMMETS INTO HIS SEAT. ROSS Thank you. I feel so loved. MONICA I’m sorry. I can’t afford to get sick. Everything must go perfectly. Millions of people will be watching! MONICA GRABS THE CROISSANT AND TAKES A BITE. EVERYONE WATCHES IN HORROR. ROSS Wait! Don't! MONICA What? JOEY Uh, that’s mine! RACHEL Yeah, uh, you know Joey hates sharing! MONICA Sorry Joey! But, what’s the deal guys? ROSS Uh nothing. Hope you like jelly. AS WE: FADE OUT:

END TEASER

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5.

ACT ONE SCENE A INT. CHANDLER AND MONICA’S APARTMENT - NIGHT (DAY 1) (RACHEL, MONICA, CHANDLER) RACHEL AND MONICA, SITTING ON THE COUCH, SHARE A BOTTLE OF WINE. MONICA POURS RACHEL A LIGHT GLASS. RACHEL Don’t be cheap. Top me off. CHANDLER ENTERS AND JOINS THEM. MONICA Hey Honey. Can I pour you a glass? CHANDLER Only if it’s a slow acting poison. RACHEL Close. It’s Bevmo’s Chuck-A-Buck. Fauxfatal without the after-taste? MONICA Oh, Sweets, what’s wrong? CHANDLER Well I was notified that I’m up for a promotion. MONICA That’s great!

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6. CHANDLER But then I found out that I’m competing against some new transfer hot shot named Brad McMan. RACHEL Well, if he’s half the McMann you are... Sorry. That’s the cheap wine speaking. MONICA Oh. Have confidence. I believe in you. RACHEL Maybe you should have some wine. CHANDLER No I can’t. I need to prepare for my interview with my CEO on Monday. I heard Brad McMan eats and breathes advertising copywriting. RACHEL He’s probably some average Joe who’s still a virgin, lives with his grandma, and his idea of fun is watching the bubbles in the water cooler. You know what?! Lemme find this McMan on Facebook. I’ll bet you ten bucks that once you look at his profile picture all your worries will disappear.

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7.

RACHEL TAKES OUT HER PHONE. CHANDLER Damn! I forgot that my job like your’s is solely based on aesthetics. RACHEL Shut up I found him. Wait. Oh my god. CHANDLER What? RACHEL REVEALS THE PHOTO. CHANDLER (CONT’D) Crap! He’s fan of the New York Jets. RACHEL And a fan of the gym! How many abs can one man have?! I bet he has washboard on his resume too. CHANDLER My CEO wears a New York Jets tie every Monday. I’m Screwed! MONICA That is one beautiful man. CHANDLER Jesus. He’s not that good looking. RACHEL That’s because you’re just fixated on his Jets hat, while we’re fixated on everything below it.

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8. MONICA More like mesmerized. CHANDLER Hi Monica! Remember me! Your husband and future father of your baby. MONICA Oooh scroll to the next photo! RACHEL They just keep getting better.

CHANDLER GRABS THE PHONE. RACHEL (CONT’D) Hey give that back! Don’t worry! I’ll gladly give you that ten bucks. CHANDLER I don’t care about the ten bucks! RACHEL I’ll give you another ten if you can help set me up with McMan. CHANDLER Screw it. I’ll take that glass. RACHEL POURS HIM A GLASS. RACHEL So is that a yes? CHANDLER Never mind. Give me the entire bottle. AS WE: CUT TO:

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SCENE B INT. RACHEL AND JOEY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT (DAY 1) (JOEY, OLD WOMAN) JOEY FLEXES HIS ARMS IN A MIRROR. JOEY How you doin’? SFX: DOOR KNOCK JOEY, PUZZLED, LOOKS BACK AT HIS REFLECTION. JOEY (CONT’D) Excuse me. SFX: DOOR KNOCK JOEY LOOKS OVER AT THE DOOR. HE ANSWERS IT. AN OLD WOMAN WITH A HUNCHBACK STANDS IN FRONT OF HIM. JOEY (CONT’D) Hello, can I help you? OLD WOMAN Hello young man. My grandfather, Elmer B. Brockton used to live in this very apartment. THE OLD WOMAN’S EYES WIDEN AS SHE LOOKS AROUND. SHE PUSHES HER WAY THROUGH THE DOOR, COMPLETELY IGNORING HIM. JOEY Come right in I guess.

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THE OLD WOMAN WANDERS AROUND THE APARTMENT EXAMINING THE LAYOUT AND CARESSING THE LIVING ROOM WALLS. OLD WOMAN It’s just the same as I remembered it. I remember listening to the first ever radio right here. JOEY Whoah how old are you? You gotta be at least 200! SHE CONTINUES TO WANDER AROUND. OLD WOMAN So many memories. He use to read me countless fairytales in this apartment. Stories of dragon fights and heroic rescues. JOEY Elmer was a Knight! OLD WOMAN Oh no. He was an electrician back in his day. Not a very good one though. He died right over there in the kitchen, while installing a light. THE OLD LADY POINTS TO HIS BEDROOM. JOEY STEPS BACK, ALARMED. JOEY Wait he died in the kitchen? Where I keep my food...

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11. OLD WOMAN Yes. At least he died doing what he loved... oh my would you look at-

THE LIGHTS START TO FLICKER. JOEY FREEZES, EYES DARTING AROUND THE ROOM. JOEY Oh, must be a power outage. Too bad Earnie isn’t here to fix... whoa. THE LIGHTS STOP FLICKERING. OLD WOMAN (Eerily) Or maybe he is... OLD WOMAN (CONT’D) Oh well, I guess my grandmother was always right that Ernie was too much of a prick to ever pass on to the golden gates. Thank you for letting me see the place. I best get going now. THE OLD LADY EXITS. JOEY Wait?! What?! No! Don’t leave me alone! THE LIGHTS GO OUT. JOEY SCREAMS. AS WE: CUT TO:

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SCENE C INT. MONICA AND CHANDLER’S APARTMENT - DAY (DAY 2) (MONICA, PHOEBE, ROSS) MONICA SITS AT THE KITCHEN TABLE CRADLING A BOX OF TISSUES IN HER PAJAMAS. THERE IS KNOCKING AT THE DOOR AND SHE GETS UP TO ANSWER. MONICA Coming! PHOEBE ENTERS. PHOEBE Oh hey, ready to go to brunch? Oh. Why aren’t you dressed yet? MONICA SNEEZES INTO THE CROOK OF HER ELBOW. MONICA I think Ross got me sick. If I’m not better for my TV appearance on Monday I’m going to kill him. MONICA SITS BACK DOWN AT THE KITCHEN TABLE. PHOEBE If it makes you feel any better, he’s probably suffering just as much as you are.

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THE DOOR KNOCKS. ROSS, NOW COMPLETELY HEALTHY ENTERS. ROSS Hey guys! PHOEBE Hey Ross! How are you feeling? ROSS I’m great! MONICA Oh screw you! MONICA SNEEZES INTO A TISSUE. ROSS What? PHOEBE How are you already over your cold? ROSS Oh I just took some cold and flu medication. I have some on me. ROSS PULLS OUT DAYQUIL CAPSULES FROM HIS POCKET. ROSS (CONT’D) Do you feel weak, achy and feverish? MONICA Yes, yes, and yes. ROSS HANDS HER THE CAPSULES. ROSS The contents of this near impenetrable packaging will help with that. PHOEBE SNATCHES THE MEDS OUT OF MONICA’S HAND.

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14. PHOEBE Hold up Monica. Pharmaceuticals can have dangerous side effects. My step aunt hallucinated on these and kidnapped a kid at Sea World. MONICA What? What happened? PHOEBE She got arrested after taking the kid to the pound. ROSS The pound? PHOEBE It had on a child leash so she thought he was a stray. Common mistake. ROSS Monica, the chance of that happening is so statistically unlikely. You’ll be fine. MONICA What other choice do I have here? PHOEBE Well that aunt sees an herbalist over in China town. She swears by his natural curing powers.

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15. MONICA Really? What does your mother suffer from? PHOEBE What? Kidnapping isn’t enough? ROSS I mean it would be a lot easier if you just took the meds but -

PHOEBE SITS DOWN NEXT TO MONICA, TAKES HER HAND AND LOOKS HER IN THE EYE. PHOEBE But think of the children. MONICA LOOKS TO ROSS, WHO IS ROLLING HIS EYES. ROSS Fine. Chinese herbology has the oldest continuous written history of any medical system on Earth, it must have something going for it. MONICA Okay, lets go! MONICA, PHOEBE, AND ROSS ALL GRAB THEIR BELONGINGS AND EXIT. AND WE: CUT TO:

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SCENE D INT. JOEY’S APARTMENT - DAY (DAY 2) (JOEY, CHANDLER) CHANDLER PACES AROUND THE CLOSED BATHROOM DOOR. JOEY You’re still there right?! CHANDLER Yes Joey... JOEY CRACKS OPEN THE BATHROOM DOOR AND STICKS HIS HEAD OUT. JOEY You can’t leave me alone with the ghost. I can feel him all around me. JOEY CLOSES THE DOOR. CHANDLER Just calm down. There’s no ghost. Plus, I can’t deal with this right now. I gotta worry about McMann. Not even my own wife can take her eyes off of this guy and his overrated eight pack. JOEY STICKS HIS HEAD OUT OF THE DOOR AGAIN.

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17. JOEY Hey, it’s not like he’s going to take his shirt off in the office! And ya gotta give yourself some more credit. You’re at least the second best looking guy in our group. CHANDLER Lemme guess. You’re first. JOEY Well, it obviously isn’t Ross. CHANDLER Obviously. JOEY Just find something around his office that you can relate to. CHANDLER But that’s the thing. His office is packed with Jets stuff. No amount of money in the world will make me a Jets fan! They’re the bottom feeders of our country. JOEY Alright yeah screw the Jets, but there has to be something you and the boss have in common. CHANDLER (DEFEATED) Oh, I don’t know.

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18. JOEY Hey man. At the end of the day, it’s confidence that counts. Just envision me. Be me. Act like me. And bang you’ll have confidence!

THE BATHROOM DOOR SWINGS OPEN AND JOEY STANDS THERE IN NOTHING BUT A SPEEDO. CHANDLER, STARTLED, JUMPS. JOEY (CONT’D) It’s for a swim suit commercial. But come on now, what do you really think? CHANDLER Okay. Okay. Uhhh, you look... shiny!

AND WE: CUT TO:

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SCENE E INT. CHINESE HERBAL STORE - DAY (ROSS, PHOEBE, MONICA, CHINESE HERBALIST) MONICA FILLS OUT A QUESTIONNAIRE, WHILE PHOEBE AND ROSS SCRUTINIZE THE ECCENTRIC STORE OF ODD HERBS. ROSS COVERS HIS NOSE. ROSS I feel like my nostrils are burning! PHOEBE PICKS UP A JAR. PHOEBE Caterpillar fungus! I’m in heaven! ROSS Monica. Please. Hurry. Now. MONICA I’m trying, but how can anyone answer these questions? When your throat burns, does it cloud the chakra in your mind’s eye? What... PHOEBE You should ask for brain bleach! It’ll do wonders for your third eye. Really gets the chakra flowing. Plus you see colors!

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20. ROSS Who’s your doctor? Timothy Leary? PHOEBE You knew Tim! He showed me brain bleach back in the 80’s! ROSS That explains a lot. MONICA Ugh screw it. I’m checking yes and no. Hmmm. Where do I turn it in?

THEY ALL LOOK AROUND UNTIL ROSS SPOTS A STOIC CHINESE MAN SITTING STILL IN THE CORNER. ROSS Sir. Excuse me? THE MAN DOESN’T MOVE. HE LOOKS THROUGH ROSS. ROSS (CONT’D) Maybe he’s deaf. MONICA Or he’s just ignoring you. Like most. PHOEBE (YELLING) Excuse me! Where should my friend turn in her questionnaire? ROSS Now I’m actually deaf. (grunts)

CHINESE HERBALIST

THE CHINESE HERBALIST REACHES OUT HIS HAND.

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21. MONICA Should I give it to you? (grunts)

CHINESE HERBALIST MONICA

Um... I’ll take that as a yes. SHE HANDS HIM THE QUESTIONNAIRE. HE LOOKS OVER IT THEN WRITES A PRESCRIPTION IN CHINESE. HE HANDS IT TO MONICA. MONICA (CONT’D) What uhh exactly is this? (grunts)

CHINESE HERBALIST

PHOEBE STUDIES THE PRESCRIPTION. PHOEBE Hmmm I think it’s Chinese. A WELCOME TO CHINATOWN SIGN HANGS ABOVE THEM. ROSS You don’t say. MONICA What exactly do I do with this? THE CHINESE HERBALIST POINTS TO THE FRONT OF THE STORE. (grunts)

CHINESE HERBALIST

THEY TURN AROUND AND NOTICE AN EMPTY COUNTER AT THE FRONT. MONICA Should we go there? CHINESE HERBALIST (grunts harder) THE THREE OF THEM WANDER TO THE EMPTY COUNTER. MONICA HITS A BELL. THE SAME CHINESE HERBALIST, NOW SMILING AND WEARING A BASEBALL CAP, RUSHES OVER TO THE COUNTER.

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22. CHINESE HERBALIST (CONT’D) Hiya! How can I help you kind folks?

CONFUSED, THE THREE OF THEM LOOK AT EACH OTHER. ROSS Phoebe did you just slip me some of your brain bleach? PHOEBE No, but I think I may have taken too much this time. CHINESE HERBALIST Oh! Lemme take that prescription off your hands! MONICA GIVES THE PRESCRIPTION TO THE CHINESE HERBALIST. CHINESE HERBALIST (CONT’D) Looks like someone’s got a nasty cold! MONICA WEAKLY RAISES HER HAND. CHINESE HERBALIST (CONT’D) We’ll have you fixed up in no time. THE CHINESE HERBALIST REMOVES A CONTAINER FILLED WITH BLACK POWDER FROM THE COUNTER BEHIND HIM. MONICA Did you just give me sand? MONICA OPENS THE LID AND ROSS IMMEDIATELY COVERS HIS NOSE. ROSS Well one thing’s for sure, it will clear your sinuses! AND WE: CUT TO:

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SCENE F INT. JOEY’S BATHROOM - DAY (CHANDLER) CHANDLER WASHES HIS HANDS. HE NOTICES HIS REFLECTION IN THE MEDICINE CABINET MIRROR. HE TAKES OFF HIS SHIRT AND FLEXES. CHANDLER Abs schmabs. They aren’t that special. I’ve got them. Somewhere. HE FLATTENS AND STRETCHES HIS STOMACH WITH HIS HANDS. CHANDLER (CONT’D) There they are! HE SLICKS HIS HAIR. IT DOESN’T HOLD. HE RUMMAGES THROUGH JOEY’S MEDICINE CABINET AND FINDS A BOTTLE OF NAIR. CHANDLER (CONT’D) Nair. Must be a combination of nice and hair. Nair. Nice hair. HE TAKES A FEW DABS AND FEELS GOOD PRIMPING IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR. HE THEN FILLS HIS HAND WITH FOAM AND SLATHERS IT IN HIS HAIR. HE SPREADS IT ACROSS HIS RIGHT EYEBROW. HE FREEZES THEN SCREAMS IN PAIN. HE RINSES HIS HEAD UNDER THE SINK. HE GRABS A TOWEL AND DRIES HIMSELF. HE LOOKS UP AND SCREAMS AT HIS COMPLETELY BALD HEAD. AS WE: FADE OUT: END ACT ONE

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ACT TWO SCENE G INT. JOEY’S APARTMENT - DAY (JOEY, CHANDLER) BALD CHANDLER POUTS IN THE BATHROOM DOORWAY AS JOEY LAUGHS. JOEY I can’t decide if you look more like a dill pickle or an oversized Gerber baby! CHANDLER Are you done?! JOEY STARES AT HIS REFLECTION IN CHANDLER’S BALD HEAD. HE FIXES HIS HAIR. JOY Wow! You’re a walking mirror! Hmmm... how you doin? CHANDLER Stop Joey! Why do you even have hair removal?! JOEY I need shiny swimmer thighs for my audition. (MORE)

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25. JOEY (CONT'D) Plus, I wasn’t the one rummaging through other people’s stuff like a naked mole rat. CHANDLER God! My interview is tomorrow! JOEY I think I still got an old wig from one of my theater shows.

JOEY GRABS AN ELVIS WIG FROM HIS CLOSET AND A BOTTLE OF WATERBASED ADHESIVE. CHANDLER I am trying to get a promotion, not a gig at a 50’s drive-in diner. JOEY Well, it’s either this or... that. CHANDLER Fine! I’ll take the wig! JOEY You’ll also need this. CHANDLER What is that? JOEY It’s a water-based adhesive, so make sure not to get it wet or else it uuh... I guess will just be waterbased and without the adhesive part. JOEY HANDS HIM BOTH THE WIG AND BOTTLE.

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26. CHANDLER I hate my life. JOEY Try it on!

CHANDLER PUTS ON THE WIG. JOEY (CONT’D) Bada bing, bada boom! You’re now my very own Chita pet! CHANDLER What do I do about the eyebrow? JOEY Hmmm. I got a sharpie. AND WE: CUT TO:

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27.

SCENE H EXT. MONICA & CHANDLER’S APARTMENT - NIGHT (ROSS, MONICA, PHOEBE) PHOEBE AND MONICA BOIL THE TEA. ROSS, COVERING HIS NOSE AND GAGGING, STANDS ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE ROOM. ROSS I can’t escape the smell! MONICA I wonder if it’s safe to drink. ROSS You’d be safer bottling and selling it as bug pesticide. PHOEBE Oh come on! It’s not that bad. I think it smells curious. Actually... it kinda smells like my massage parlor! ROSS Are you actually going to put that in your body? Just take my pills! ROSS’ GAGGING BECOMES EVEN MORE AGGRESSIVE. MONICA Ooo yeah, you look great.

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28. ROSS I can’t take it anymore! It’s about to smell a lot worse in here if I don’t leave. Trust me Monica. Just take one.

ROSS TAKES OUT A PILL BOTTLE FROM HIS JACKET POCKET AND PLACES IT ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER. ROSS, GAGGING, EXITS. PHOEBE Ooooh I think it’s done! PHOEBE POURS A CUP. MONICA I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just take the pill. PHOEBE You spent your whole day getting it. Plus, you never know. You may have actually developed a rare terminal illness. Would you really want this to be just another wasted day when you’re about to die? PHOEBE POURS ANOTHER CUP. SHE DRINKS IT. PHOEBE (CONT’D) It’s delicious! My tastebuds are dancing! See! Just try it. MONICA DRINKS THE TEA. SHE NEARLY VOMITS. MONICA Dancing? My tastebuds are seizing! AS WE: CUT TO:

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SCENE I INT. JOEY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT (JOEY) JOEY, WEARING ONLY A SPEEDO, POORLY PRACTICES HIS BUTTERFLY STROKE IN FRONT OF A MIRROR. JOEY Be a butterfly. Be a butterfly. Be a Butterfly. I’m doing it! JOEY’S ARMS FLAIL AROUND EVEN FASTER. JOEY (CONT’D) I. am. speed. Pure speed! HIS RIGHT HAND SMACKS THE WALL. A SCRATCHING NOISE APPEARS BEHIND IT. JOEY FREEZES. HE TAPS THE WALL. THERE’S NO RESPONSE. HE TAPS IT AGAIN. JOEY (CONT’D) Hello? Is that you Elmer? THE SCRATCHING NOISE REAPPEARS AND GRADUALLY AMPLIFIES. JOEY LETS OUT A HIGH PITCH SHRIEK. AS WE: CUT TO:

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SCENE J INT. MONICA AND CHANDLER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT (CHANDLER, MONICA, JOEY) MONICA WATCHES TELEVISION ON HER COUCH. SHE STARTS COUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY. CHANDLER ENTERS. MONICA COUGHS INTO HER SOUP. CHANDLER Ewww. MONICA FREEZES AT THE SIGHT OF CHANDLER’S NEW LOOK. MONICA Ewww! CHANDLER Just don’t ask. MONICA What the hell happened to you?! CHANDLER Thank you for asking. You’re probably referring to the scent of ethanol in my breath. I’ve been drinking my pain away at a karaoke dive bar. Luckily, they gave me free drinks because they thought I was the entertainment.

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31. MONICA Seriously! You’re hair! CHANDLER It’s hip.

CHANDLER EXITS INTO THE BEDROOM. JUST AS MONICA FINALLY RELAXES, THE FRONT DOOR OPENS AND JOEY, SCREAMING, ENTERS. JOEY Please! I need to stay here tonight! Elmer’s back. Well, his ghost is, anyway. I heard him scratching. He won’t rest until he has taken my soul! MONICA You got all that from a scratch? Look, I can’t deal with this right now! JOEY An actor is useless without a soul! I’ll just be another... Nicholas Cage! MONICA Joey it’s all in your head! JOEY DIVES ONTO THE COUCH AND BURROWS INTO THE CUSHIONS. JOEY See! You won’t even know I’m here. MONICA TURNS AWAY AND NOTICES ROSS’ PILLS. SHE TAKES ONE. MONICA Screw it. AS WE: CUT TO:

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SCENE K INT. ROSS’ APARTMENT/ INT. STUDIO - DAY (PHOEBE, ROSS) AS ROSS MAKES COFFEE, PHOEBE ENTERS. PHOEBE Have you seen Monica? I went by her apartment earlier and she wasn’t there. Also I think she’s having an affair with Mr. Clean. ROSS Wait! What time is it? ROSS CHECKS HIS VELOCIRAPTOR-THEMED WATCH. ROSS (CONT’D) The show’s about to start! ROSS TURNS ON THE TELEVISION. THEY BOTH SIT DOWN ON THE COUCH. PHOEBE There she is! ROSS There she is... wait is that her. Oh. My. God. What the hell happened?!

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33. PHOEBE Wow this show is a lot more exciting than I thought! ROSS She’s using the pasta as hair extensions! PHOEBE Hmmmm interesting choice. She has really now become one with her food! Wait wow! Monica can speak Italian?! ROSS No she can’t! She clearly doesn’t even have a grasp on the English language! PHOEBE Well she isn’t coughing. The tea must have worked! ROSS She’s completely lost it! I knew she shouldn’t have drank it. PHOEBE But I drank it and I’m completely fine. Incredible actually! ROSS I knew this day would come, but not this soon. Her neuroticism must have finally tore her weak grasp on reality.

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34. PHOEBE Well she sure hasn’t lost her grasp on that sausage. She’s really flailing that thing around! ROSS This is horrible! Her career is totally over! PHOEBE (You’re recording this right?

ROSS SHOOTS PHOEBE A JUDGMENTAL LOOK. PHOEBE (CONT’D) What?! It’s her first time on television! Millions are watching her at this very moment! This is a special moment! ROSS Special? Oh, look! She’s now trying to communicate with the raw bacon. PHOEBE Well she may not know Italian, but she definitely understands Pig Latin! AND WE: CUT TO:

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SCENE L INT. CEO’S OFFICE - DAY (DAY 3) (SECRETARY, CHANDLER, MR.MORRISON) THE SECRETARY LEADS CHANDLER INTO THE CEO’S OFFICE AND GESTURES FOR HIM TO TAKE A SEAT. SECRETARY Mr. Morrison will be in shortly. THE SECRETARY SMILES AND EXITS. CHANDLER STARTS STUDYING THE PICTURES ON MR.MORRISON’S DESK. HE FOCUSES ON A VINTAGE PHOTO. HE IS STARTLED WHEN HE HEARS A VOICE BEHIND HIM. MR. MORRISON 1968, the first game to officially bear the name Super Bowl. The year I was born... It’s also the only time the Jets have ever won. CHANDLER JUMPS UP AND SHAKES MR. MORRISON’S HAND. CHANDLER What a game. MR. MORRISON A bit before your time. CHANDLER Uuuuh got it on video. MR. MORRISON WALKS AROUND AND TAKES A SEAT AT HIS DESK. CHANDLER SITS DOWN TOO.

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36. MR. MORRISON Can’t blame you for taking an interest. You’re a Jets fan? CHANDLER Oh yeah. Huge fan! Love the Jets!

CHANDLER STARTS TO SWEAT. HIS TOUPEE LIGHTLY SHIFTS. CHANDLER (CONT’D) Uh, is it hot in here? MR. MORRISON No, but I can turn the fan on. MR. MORRISON REACHES TO TURN ON A DESK FAN. CHANDLER’S TOUPEE SLIPS DOWN, COVERING HIS EYES. HE QUICKLY FIXES IT. CHANDLER No! No that’s okay. I’ll be fine! MR. MORRISON (SUSPICIOUS) Mr. Bing, I hate to ask, but man to man, are you wearing a piece? CHANDLER I... just have very bouncy curls. IT SLIPS COMPLETELY OFF. HE QUICKLY PUTS IT BACK ON. MR. MORRISON Son, I once had the most luscious head of hair ever seen on a man. But it all went south, or should I say, north, when I hit 25. CHANDLER Oh, sir, I had an acc-

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37.

MR. MORRISON REMOVES HIS TOUPEE. MR. MORRISON Mr. Bing, seeing you like this today has made me realize that I don’t need this toupee and you know what? You don’t either. Men like us have got to carry ourselves with pride, mane or no mane. I’ve looked at your resume, you have a lot to be proud of. CHANDLER BITES HIS LIP. THEN HE TAKES OFF THE WIG. CHANDLER Boss, I was trying to be what I thought you wanted me to be. I’ve been loyal to this company for so long, I didn’t want to lose the promotion. MR. MORRISON Well, I’m offering you the promotion. CHANDLER What? MR. MORRISON I appreciate your honesty son. It’s not easy to do what you have done. I’m expecting great work from you. MR. MORRISON AND CHANDLER STAND UP AND SHAKE HANDS. AS WE: CUT TO:

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38.

SCENE M INT. RACHEL AND JOEY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT (LATER) (JOEY, PHOEBE, RACHEL) THE LIVING ROOM IS DIMLY LIT AND JOEY AND PHOEBE SIT ON THE GROUND HOLDING HANDS OVER A SMALL CAULDRON SURROUNDED BY FIVE CANDLES. PHOEBE Okay Joey are you ready? JOEY I think so. Hey don’t tell anyone, but I’m kind of scared. PHOEBE Oh don’t be scared. Elmer seems harmless. Okay, now close your eyes, and hum for me. JOEY STARTS HUMMING THE TUNE OF SMELLY CAT. PHOEBE (CONT’D) Joey! Hum something somber. Set the mood. JOEY (HUMS) PHOEBE SWAYS FROM SIDE TO SIDE AND THEN SUDDENLY STOPS. PHOEBE (YELLING) Hey Elmer! You here?

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39.

THE FRONT DOOR KNOCKS. PHOEBE AND JOEY FREEZE AND LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN FEAR. JOEY SLOWLY GETS UP AND HESITANTLY REACHES FOR THE DOOR HANDLE AND SLOWLY TURNS IT. HE SWINGS OPEN THE DOOR AND HE AND PHOEBE SCREAM. RACHEL ENTERS. AND SCREAMS IN A SURPRISED SHOCK. JOEY AND PHOEBE ARE OVERCOME WITH RELIEF. RACHEL What on earth are you doing? PHOEBE Actually, we’re on the astral plane seeking Elmer. JOEY We’re trying to talk to Elmer so we can help Elmer cross over to the other side. RACHEL If screaming at a ghost were a way to get rid of them than why is Halloween so damn haunted? Are you guys crazy! This Elmer guy is dead! PHOEBE Ignore her Joey. Hand me the potion. JOEY HANDS PHOEBE MONICA’S TEA. PHOEBE DROPS IT IN THE CAULDRON. PHOEBE (CONT’D) Follow the light Elmer! Be gone! EVERYONE COVERS THEIR NOSES WITH THEIR SHIRTS. RACHEL Oh god! What is that smell?!

Lina - Henrik

40.

PHOEBE GETS UP AND WALKS AROUND THE PERIMETER OF THE ROOM WAVING AROUND THE CAULDRON TILL SHE COMES TO THE WALL WHERE JOEY HEARD THE SCRATCHING. JOEY If this doesn’t make him leave, I don’t know what will. PHOEBE You in that speedo might. SUDDENLY THE SCRATCHING REAPPEARS AND JOEY JUMPS UP. JOEY There! He’s in the wall! PHOEBE Elmer! Follow the light! SUDDENLY A RAT CRAWLS OUT OF THE VENT BELOW AND RUNS ACROSS THE ROOM AND OUT THE OPEN FRONT DOOR. RACHEL RUSHES TO CLOSE THE DOOR AFTER THE RAT EXITS. ALL THREE SCREAM. JOEY Gross! RACHEL See, I knew there was no such thing as ghosts! PHOEBE Or, Elmer reincarnated! RACHEL Oh Phoebe, get out of here! AND WE: CUT TO:

Lina - Henrik

41.

SCENE N INT. MONCIA AND CHANDLER’S APARTMENT - NIGHT (LATER) (REPORTER, MONICA, ROSS, PHOEBE) MONICA IS STAMMERING AROUND THE LIVING ROOM WITH THE NEWS ON THE TV. REPORTER Study finds that religious married women report the highest satisfaction with their sex lives. MONICA (YELLING) It’s cuz they don’t know any better! MONICA TEETERS AND LAUGHS TO HERSELF. THERE IS KNOCKING AT THE DOOR AND SHE PRANCES OVER TO ANSWER IT. PHOEBE AND ROSS WALK IN, ENTERING WITH APOLOGETIC LOOKS ON THEIR FACES. MONICA (CONT’D) Oh hello friends! PHOEBE Hey Monica! Uh, how are you feeling? MONICA Great! National television, can you believe it? (MORE)

Lina - Henrik

42. MONICA (CONT'D) Ross you were so right about the pills! Ah, I felt like I was on a high all day!

ROSS AND PHOEBE SHOOT EACH OTHER A CONCERNED LOOK. ROSS Oh no... MONICA Whats wrong? ROSS Well, you see, as a doctor I’m just going to make a medical inference. But I believe you may have suffered from a chemical interaction. MONICA What kind of interaction? ROSS The herbal tea you drank may have properties in it that may have interacted with the meds I gave you. PHOEBE Oh it was great. I thought I was watching SNL! Here, we taped it. PHOEBE GRABS THE REMOTE AND PULLS UP THE RECORDED SHOW. MONICA IS HORRIFIED AS SHE WATCHES HERSELF. MONICA Turn it off! PHOEBE SNICKERS ON THE SIDE. MONICA ANGRILY GETS IN HER FACE.

Lina - Henrik

43. MONICA (CONT’D) What am I going to do? I look like a fool! I completely embarrassed myself.

MONICA SLUMPS DOWN ON THE COUCH. MONICA (CONT’D) I don’t even remember doing that! ROSS Monica, we are so sorry. Phoebe and I both feel so bad for our hand in this. PHOEBE Yeah, of all people I should have looked up the side effects. My cousin Joseph mixed prozac with ROSS Not now Phoebe. PHOEBE Oh, okay. ROSS The point is that we both feel really terrible and we hope that you can forgive us. MONICA Oh guys, it’s not your fault. You had no idea. None of us could have known this would happen. Even if I never go on television again, I still have my job at the restaurant.

Lina - Henrik

44.

PHOEBE AND ROSS GIVES HER A HUG. SFX:PHONE RINGS MONICA (CONT’D) Oh no. MONICA GETS UP TO ANSWER THE PHONE. MONICA (CONT’D) Hello? Yes, yes, really? Oh wow, okay, yes. Goodbye. ROSS AND PHOEBE WATCH IN ANTICIPATION FROM THE COUCH. PHOEBE Well?! MONICA That was the producers! They said they liked my wild antics and want to book me for future segments! ROSS and PHOEBE JUMP UP. ROSS Holy cow! Monica, that’s great! MONICA The only problem is how am I going to recreate that personality? PHOEBE PULLS OUT THE ZIP LOCK BAG OF TEA FROM HER POCKET. PHOEBE AS WE:

More tea? CUT TO: END OF ACT TWO

Lina - Henrik

45.

TAG INT. MONICA AND CHANDLER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT CHANDLER SITS AT THE END OF HIS BED WITH HIS WIG LAP. HIS BALD HEAD ILLUMINATES FROM THE OVERHEAD LIGHT. HE TAKES OUT A BRUSH AND BRUSHES HIS WIG. AND STARTS TO HUM. MONICA ENTERS AND CATCHES HIM HE FREEZES AS THEY MAKE EYE CONTACT.

LYING IN HIS CEILING HE SMILES IN THE ACT.

CHANDLER Hello. AN AWKWARD BEAT. CHANDLER (CONT’D) I uh understand how this may look but uh... MONICA (Interrupting) Leave your Sundays open for now on. We’re starting couples therapy. MONICA EXITS. CHANDLER THROWS THE WIG. AS WE: FADE TO BLACK.