Do-it-yourself Jewish Wedding Planning

Do-It-Yourself Jewish Wedding Planning Guide - Traditional -

Version 1d Check for the most recent revision at: http://www.pdfcoke.com/doc/18757570/DoItYourself-Jewish-Wedding-Planning

This planning guide is in the public domain and may be freely distributed

Marriage is building a life and a home together. You have a lifetime to do that.

A marriage preparation course is building the foundation. You have your engagement period to do that.

The wedding is just one day … But it is an enormously important and very wonderful one day! It is the momentous final decision to spend a lifetime together. It is the transition from preparing your marriage to building your marriage. It is a tremendously joyous occasion. So, it is much more than “just” one day.

2

Table of Contents INTRODUCTION................................................................................................. ..........5 PRELIMINARIES................................................................................. ..........................6 DOCUMENTATION, FORMS AND LEGAL DOCUMENTS..................................................8 ORGANIZING THINGS.................................................................................... ............10 THINGS YOU WILL NEED...........................................................................................12 THE WEEK BEFORE THE WEDDING..........................................................................16 2. MIKVEH............................................................................................. ..................16 3. AUF RUF.......................................................................................................... .16 4. SHABBAT KALLAH............................................................................................17 THE DAY OF THE WEDDING..................................................................................... ..18 PRE-NUPTIAL RECEPTIONS............................................................................. ...........19 KABBALAT PANIM.................................................................................. .................19 TISH.......................................................................................................... .............19 THE PROCESSION.....................................................................................................22 CHUPPA................................................................................................................. ....25 ERUSIN (BETROTHAL)............................................................................................27 KETUBAH......................................................................................... ......................29 NI’SUIN (MARRIAGE)..............................................................................................30 YICHUD (SECLUSION).................................................................................... ............32 DANCING, DINNER, AND MORE DANCING.................................................................34 SHEVA BERACHOT – THE WEEK FOLLOWING THE WEDDING ........................................................................................................ .........................37 YOUR NEW HOME ........................................................................................................ .........................37 THE HONEYMOON......................................................................................... ............37

3

4

INTRODUCTION Marriage preparation Many couples spend more time planning their wedding & honeymoon than they do their marriage. Some think they don't have time for marriage preparation, or that it’s not necessary, or that it's going to be a hassle. You don't have to choose between having a great wedding and having a great marriage. You can have both. They’re both important. Think how much better things can be with a little effort on the front end. You'll get a heads-up to your relationship's tricky issues & have some compromises already worked out. You'll know that your mate cares enough about the long term relationship to put some effort into it. You'll begin your marriage with more realistic expectations. Having worked through a marriage preparation course, you’ll be more settled and confident on your wedding day. And getting a good start to your marriage is very important. Before getting into this wedding planning guide, please take the time to prepare your marriage also. Find a marriage preparation course in your community, or go through a Do-It-Yourself Marriage Preparation Course together. The most recent version can be downloaded at: http://www.pdfcoke.com/doc/17771454/DoItYourself-Marriage-Preparation-Course-AnOpen-Approach

Now, “MAZEL TOV” on your wedding! Wedding planning Give yourselves ample time to talk through the wedding ceremony and celebrations. Even couples who grew up in a Jewish home with years of Jewish education are surprised when it comes to examining traditional Jewish wedding rituals. Use the process of planning your wedding as an opportunity to learn more about Jewish tradition and the way each of you envisions your life together once you step out from under the chuppah, hand-in-hand.

5

PRELIMINARIES

1. Meet someone and get to know each other. 2. Get to know each other’s friends. 3. Get to know each other’s parents. 4. Get to know each other’s families. 5. Decide to get married. 6. Choose a Rabbi. Who will be your Rabbi? _________________________ 7. Follow a structured marriage

preparation course. Where? _________________________

When? _________________________

•

Do this at least 5-6 months before the wedding • Gets you to consider essential things you may not have thought about yet. • Gives you tools to get your marriage off to a good start. • Will make you feel calmer and more confident on your wedding day. • If you prefer the do-it-yourself approach, consider the following course: http://www.pdfcoke.com/doc/17771454/DoItY ourself-Marriage-Preparation-Course-AnOpen-Approach

8. Choose a kallah teacher.

Who? _________________________ 9. Choose a chatan teacher.

Who? _________________________

6

•

• •

Traditionally hosted by the bride’s family, in the bride’s hometown. Helps break the ice; lets the families get to know each other. Helps to work out any issues before the wedding day. Gives an opportunity for people who cannot come to the wedding to celebrate with you. People coming to the wedding won’t be total strangers, so the wedding will be more relaxed and fun. It doesn’t have to be fancy. It’s not for receiving gifts.

•

See next section.

•

Have fun!

• 10. Engagement party.

•

When?

•

_________________________

11. Submit all the necessary

documentation to your Rabbi. 12. Plan the wedding.

•

7

DOCUMENTATION, FORMS AND LEGAL DOCUMENTS

•

Birth certificate Jewish naming certificate (in Hebrew) Parents’ Hebrew names Civil divorce documents (if applicable) Jewish divorce documents (GET) (if applicable) Conversion documents (if applicable) Synagogue affiliation Other information requested by your Rabbi

• 1. Assemble the official

documents each of you will need to provide to your Rabbi.

2. Submit the required documentation to your Rabbi Deadline (date):

• • •

• • • •

Do this at least 2-3 months before the wedding. Your Rabbi needs this to obtain the necessary civil (and religious, if applicable) documents, and he needs time to prepare all the paper work.

•

_________________________ •

Finalize the Jewish pre-nup agreement (and civil pre-nup or marriage contract, if applicable), at least 6-8 weeks before the wedding. This requires considerable advance preparation! Ask your Rabbi which agreement he recommends. There are different versions currently in use, including but not limited to:

•

America http://www.rabbis.org/pdfs/Halachic%20Prenuptial %20Arbitration%20Agreement.pdf California http://www.getora.com/PDF/California_Prenuptial_ Agreement.pdf Israel http://www.youngisraelrabbis.org.il/texts/Englishtra nslationrevised 040906.doc

3. Pre-nup

•

4. Witnesses

•

8

Each of you should consult with your own independent advisor, then discuss together. You will need at least two kosher witnesses (i.e. religiously observant Jewish males).

9

ORGANIZING THINGS 1. Where will the wedding be held? 2. Who will be responsible for organizing the wedding? 3. Who will pay for the wedding?

Traditionally, in the bride’s home town. The bride? The couple? The groom (rare)? The bride’s parents (traditionally the case)? The groom’s parents (rare)? • Bride’s parents? Groom’s parents? The groom? The bride? • Cost sharing?

4. Tentative guest list and tentative number of guests. • • 5. Set a date.

6. Venue. Reserve and pay deposit. 7. Caterer. Reserve and pay deposit.

8. Bar service. Reserve and

deposit, if applicable.

9. Musician, band, orchestra, or

DJ. Reserve and pay the deposit, if applicable 10. Photography/videography. Reserve and the pay the deposit, if applicable. 11. Flowers. 12. “Hold the date” 13. Set up a wedding web page

• •

• • • • • •

• •

Consult your Rabbi for his availability. Consult the Jewish calendar for days where wedding may not be held. Consult your family and other people you want at your wedding for their availabilities. Synagogue? Hotel? Hall? It is not necessary that the wedding be held at a Synagogue. Kosher May be “sit down” or buffet style. It’s not necessary to go overboard on this. You don’t necessarily need a bar service. If you have alcoholic beverages, you will need a liquor license if the caterer, bar service, or venue doesn’t already have one. It’s not necessary to go overboard on this.

It’s not necessary to go overboard on this. • It may be possible to simply arrange to have friends do the photography. • It’s not necessary to go overboard on this. • Contact people on your invitation list and ask them to “hold the date” for your wedding. • For example: www.mywedding.com

10

•

• 14. Set up wedding registries

• 15. Order invitations, or print or write your own.

16. Send invitations

• •

• 17. Give the caterer a final head count.

•

• 18. Transportation • •

19. Bride’s room/yichud room

• • 20. Charity

•

11

This really is very optional; not at all necessary. It is customary for guests to give a gift, or more often a check. However, there should be absolutely no expectation on the part of the couple that they do so. Guests are invited to share in the simcha (joy), not so that they bring gifts. It is customary to write the invitation in both English and in Hebrew. Traditionally, it is the parents of the bride and the parents of the groom that invite to the marriage of their children. Send the invitations approximately 6-8 weeks before the wedding. One week before the wedding (but check with the caterer what the deadline is).. Arrange with the caterer what will be done with any left over food – you don’t want it to go to waste. Consider making arrangements with a local food bank to come and pick it up. Arrange for separate transportation for the bride (probably her parents) and for the groom to the location of the wedding. Arrange for transportation for the newlyweds after the wedding. If you get married in a Synagogue, there will be a bride’s room where she can get dressed before the wedding, and where the couple can go after the chuppah for yichud (seclusion). If you’re getting married somewhere else, make arrangements for a private room for the bride. Arrange to contribute some amount of money (eg. 10% of the wedding costs) to the charity of your choice. There is also a custom to invite some people less fortunate than yourself who you wouldn’t necessarily invite otherwise.

THINGS YOU WILL NEED 1. Kosher candy for the auf ruf and baskets or trays to hold the candy.

•

Recommended to purchase soft, individually candy.

•

According to Jewish law, the ring should be made of solid, plain gold, without blemishes or ornamentation (e.g. stones). The ring may be engraved, but the decorations should not be cut out of the ring. The ring must belong entirely to the groom. The ring can be sized for the “ring” finger of her left hand.

•

2. Ring for the bride. • • 3. Ring for the groom. • • •

4. White clothing

5. Veil 6. Tallit for the groom. 7. Kittel for the groom 8. Kosher wine for the ceremony. 9. Wine glass to drink from during the ceremony. 10. Glass that the groom will step on and break at the conclusion of the ceremony 11. Cloth to wrap the glass that will be broken. 12. Ketubah 13. Head covering

The bride wears a white dress. The groom wears a white kittel. The wedding day is a mini Yom Kippur for the bride and groom, meaning that it is a day where they can be certain that God forgives all of their sins. White is a symbol of this atonement. • The white clothing of the bride and groom reflect the pure essence of their souls. • In the Jewish tradition, white does not signify that the bride is a virgin. • Since the groom will eventually be buried in his kittel, it is also a reminder to him not to be haughty. The veil should contain no gold or silver. Traditionally purchased by the bride. Traditionally purchased by the bride. Preferably white wine, so that you don’t risk staining your white clothes. Traditionally made of glass. May be a glass or a light bulb. A light bulb makes more noise, which everyone likes to hear. Consult your Rabbi about this. • All males, Jewish or not, should wear a

12

• • • •

14. Kippa clips

•

kippa at the wedding. Purchase enough kippot for all the males who will be attending. The couple’s names can be engraved inside the kippot, but this is not a requirement. Married women, Jewish or not, should wear a hat of their choosing. It might be a good idea to explain this to people in advance, on your web page for example. For convenience, attach two clips to each kippa in advance, before distributing them at the wedding.

15. Benchers for the wedding

reception and for the sheva brachot during the week following the wedding. •

16. Chuppah

• • •

17. Kallah chair

• • •

18. A siddur

19. Four candles and matches

•

•

The Synagogue, hall, or hotel where you will be married may already have a chuppah. The chuppah may elaborate or as simple as a large tallit attached to poles at the four corners held up by four people. The basic requirements of the chuppah are that it is a canopy that is open on all four sides. For the bride to sit on at the Kabbalat Panim. The chair can be decorated. More importantly, it is a large chair which makes it easier to sit down comfortably while wearing a wedding dress. You will need two additional chairs for the bride’s mothers who will sit on either side of her. These are sometimes set up on a platform, but this is not necessary. From which the brachot will be recited under the chuppah. Also, a siddur for the bride and for the groom to daven mincha or maariv. The handles are held by the two pairs of people who accompany the groom then the bride to the chuppah.

13

20. Candle holders

•

21. Stand(s) for the candles

•

22. Ashes

•

23. A small table

• •

24. Confetti, rice, streamers

•

25. Wreath of flowers 26. Water and “ul netilat“

containers for washing hands before the festive meal

27. Special foods:

• •

Washing stands at each table, or washing stations nearby.

•

a very large challah for the festive meal following the wedding ceremony. Salt shaker (with salt in it) for hamotzi. a wedding cake (optional at Jewish weddings) Ask the caterer to prepare generous helpings of wedding food for you to take with you after you leave the wedding (you may not have eaten much!). Prepare and print a wedding program/booklet to distribute to your guests You can copy the relevant sections from this planning guide – but formatted nicely, not in tables like it is in this documented. Make a program so that people know what to do and when to do it. Add explanations so that people understand the symbolism of what is happening. This will be very much appreciated by your nonJewish guests. Plus, you would be surprised at how many Jews, even those

•

• • 28. Picnic 29. Wedding booklet

Candle holders will prevent hot wax from dripping on your escorts’ hands as they walk with you to the chuppah. To hold the candles after arriving at the chuppah. Ashes will be placed on the groom’s forehead under the chuppah. A small table conveniently placed near the chuppah to hold the various items that will be needed during the ceremony. Throwing confetti, rice or streamers at the couple is not a Jewish custom. Advise your guests about this (your webpage is good place to do this). Also, you may be charged an extra fee if it is used because it is very difficult to clean up. A crown for the mother of the bride if this is her last daughter to be married.

• •

• •

14

with a Jewish education, do not know the meaning of the rich symbolism that permeates the wedding traditions and Chuppah ceremony.

15

THE WEEK BEFORE THE WEDDING • 1. Bride and groom do not see

or speak to each other from one week before the wedding until the wedding ceremony.

• •

• •

2. MIKVEH

• •

3. AUF RUF -

-

-

-

The groom is called to the Torah (aliyah) at Shabbat services. The idea is that every week’s blessings emanate from the previous Shabbat. So the groom is called to the Torah, considered the root of all blessings, to shower blessings on him during the upcoming week during which he will be married. A special Mishebeirach is recited, invoking God’s blessing for the bride and groom. All present throw candy at the groom (a symbolic blessing that the couple be fruitful and have a sweet life together). The children present run around to collect

•

•

•

16

Enhances their anticipation and joy when they see each other on their wedding day. Removes any possibility of stress between them during the week before the wedding. Maintaining some distance until the ceremony may help avoid petty arguments that might arise. The bride and groom should not be left alone during this week. The bride immerses in a mikvah the during the week before the wedding (after her menstrual period). Consult with your kallah teacher. This is really a very beautiful ritual. You should go with someone close to you who is familiar with the ritual (mother, female friend), or with your kallah teacher. Traditionally hosted by the groom’s family in his home town on the Shabbat before the wedding. If the wedding is on a Sunday and the families live far apart, the the auf ruf may be held on the Shabbat a week before the wedding. The groom’s family sponsors a reception in honor of the soon-to-be-married couple. The entire community is frequently included in the celebrations at this time. Lots of food, but no gifts. Traditionally, the bride does not attend the auf ruf, since the bride and groom do not see or speak to each other during the week before the wedding. She has her own festive celebration (Shabbat kallah).

the candy – and eat it. 4. SHABBAT KALLAH - fohrshpiel, in Yiddish

• •

17

May be held at a friend’s home (girls only). Lot’s of food and fun, but no gifts.

THE DAY OF THE WEDDING •

Shomer •

Fasting

18

The bride and groom are each accompanied by a shomer from the time they wake up on their wedding day, usually a close friend or relative. The day of one's wedding is a time when a person's sins are forgiven and is considered to be like a personal, mini Yom Kippur. Yom Kippur is a happy day because one has absolute certainty that all sins are forgiven on that day. For this reason, the bride and groom fast until after the ceremony, unless the wedding is held on a day when fasting is not permitted, such as Rosh Chodesh or Chanukah. Consult your Rabbi.

PRE-NUPTIAL RECEPTIONS •

Pre-nuptial receptions •

KABBALAT PANIM

• •

TISH

• •

Smashing a plate BADEKIN (veiling)

• •

•

• • •

• •

It is customary for the bride and groom to host separate pre-nuptial receptions about an hour before the chupah ceremony. The bride hosts a women's (can also be mixed) reception in one room. A more elaborate smorgasbord is traditionally arranged at the bride's reception. The groom hosts a reception for men in another room. Songs are sung, and the groom or someone else delivers a d’var Torah. Documents are signed. This is done by the mother of the bride and/or groom when this is the last child to be married. During the tish, shortly before the time for the chuppah and after all the formalities have been completed, the men escorted the groom to the bride’s reception. There is much singing, clapping and dancing. The bride is sitting on a chair (it may be decorated) with her mother and future mother-in-law sitting on either side of her. The women make room for the men to enter with the groom in their midst. The groom is accompanied by his father and father-in-law on either side of him. The men form two parallel lines in front of the bride with their arms raised under which the groom passes to meet his bride who remains seated. This is the first time that the groom sees his bride in a week. The groom veils his bride. As he does so, he is saying, “I will love, cherish and respect not only the 'you' which is revealed to me, but also those elements of your personality that are hidden from me. As I am bonding with you in marriage, I am committed to creating a space

19

within me for the totality of your being – for all of you, for all of time." •

•

• • • •

•

Removing jewelry and untying all knots.

• •

•

20

The veil emphasizes that the groom is not solely interested in the bride's external beauty, which fades with time; but rather in her inner beauty which she will never lose. It symbolizes the idea of modesty and conveys the lesson that however attractive physical appearances may be, the soul and character are paramount. The veiling also symbolizes the bride's commitment from this moment on to reserve her beauty for her husband's eyes. The veiling also emulates the matriarchs, who veiled themselves. The veiling is also symbolic of the groom performing his obligation to clothe his wife. The bride's face remains veiled from this point on through the duration of the chupah ceremony. This is an ancient custom and serves as the first of many actions by which the groom signals his commitment to clothe and protect his wife. It is reminiscent of Rebecca covering her face before marrying Isaac. The groom and his entourage retreat from the room, with much dancing, singing and clapping. They move backwards so as to not turn their backs on the bride. The guests proceed to the location of the chuppah. The bride and groom, in separate rooms, proceed with their chuppah preparations. Most notably, this involves removing any and all, emptying the pockets of any money or valuables, and untying all knots including knots in their clothing, shoelaces, neckties, and bows. The idea is that, at the moment that they join together in marriage, there should be nothing else that binds them.

•

•

• •

•

Mincha/maariv

•

•

21

The idea of removing all jewelry, including watches, is that their mutual commitment to each other is based only on who they are as people – not on their respective material possessions. At the most fateful moment of their lives, the bride and groom carry absolutely nothing of physical value. Their lasting legacy will not be determined by money or materialistic things, but by the good deeds they perform and the values that will pervade their home and which they will instill within their children. The father, father-in-law to be, and any grandfathers present offer the groom their heartfelt blessings. The mother and mother-in-law-to-be and any grandmothers present to offer the bride their heartfelt blessings. If they have not done so yet that day, the bride and groom daven mincha (or maariv, depending on the time of day) separately, preferably with a minyan. There are special passages inserted from the Yom Kippur service. If one or both of your parents is deceased, you would say kaddish since this is a Yom Kippur Yizkor for you (consult your Rabbi).

THE PROCESSION

1. The guests are seated at the

location of the chuppah. The Rabbi and Chazan stand under the chuppah and wait for the procession.

2. Music

• •

•

• 3. The wedding party enters

• •

4. The groom enters and walks to the chuppah accompanied by two escorts.

•

•

•

•

22

The guests do not rise when the groom enters and walks to the chuppah. It is not a Jewish custom, for the guests to rise when the bride enters and walks to the chuppah. However, many communities have adopted this practice, and that’s fine. Slow moving soulful music is sung or played during the procession. The grandparents enter and take their seats. It is optional whether or not the siblings enter and take their seats. It is optional whether or not other close relatives enter as part of the procession. The groom’s escorts are traditionally either his parents or his father and future father-in-law. In some cases, they may be an upstanding, righteous couple of his community. The two escorts stand on either side of the groom and lock arms with him. The entourage may also include the grandfathers. Each escort carries one lit candle. The light of the candles symbolize the fervent wish that the couple's life together be one of light and joy. It is also reminiscent of the flickering light and fire which occurred at the time of the giving of the Torah – the marriage of God (the groom) and Israel (the bride) under the "chuppah" of Mount Sinai. The escorts support and encourage the groom who is on his way to the most momentous moment of his lifetime; preventing him from becoming emotionally overwhelmed on his way to be wed.

• • 5. Baruch Haba and Mi Adir

•

•

6. Kittel • •

•

7. Ashes •

8. Welcoming the bride

•

9. The bride enters and walks to the chuppah accompanied by two escorts.

•

•

•

23

The escorts step away from the groom, but remain standing under the chuppah. The chazzan welcomes the groom on behalf of all gathered by singing Baruch Haba and Mi Adir. This greeting includes a request for God’s blessings for the new couple. Those under the chuppah dress the groom in a white kittel. The groomsman or groomsmen, if any, may do this. (It is not customary or necessary to have either groomsmen or bridesmaids at a Jewish wedding). The white garment is a symbol of atonement and resulting total purity. As mentioned earlier, the wedding day is a minor "Yom Kippur" for the bride and groom, a day when they are forgiven for all their sins. Source: "our sins shall be made as white as snow" (Isaiah 1:18). The groom wears the kittel for the first time at his wedding. He will subsequently wear it every year at the High Holidays, at home at the Pesach Seder, and finally at his death when he will be buried wearing his kittel. It is customary for ashes to be placed upon the forehead of the groom as a reminder of the destruction of the Temple. The groom exits the chuppa slightly to welcome the bride and her escorts. The groom brings the bride into the chuppa which as a symbol of their entering their new home. The bride’s escorts are traditionally either her parents or her mother and future mother-in-law. In some cases, they may be an upstanding, righteous couple of her community. The two escorts stand on either side of the bride and lock arms with her. The entourage may also include the grandmothers. Each escort carries one lit candle. The

•

•

10. Escorts’ candles

•

24

light of the candles symbolize the fervent wish that the couple's life together be one of light and joy. It is also reminiscent of the flickering light and fire which occurred at the time of the giving of the Torah – the marriage of God (the groom) and Israel (the bride) under the "chuppah" of Mount Sinai. The escorts support and encourage the bride who is on her way to the most momentous moment of her life; preventing her from becoming emotionally overwhelmed. The candles are placed on a table or stand near or under the chuppah. The candles remain lit during the ceremony.

CHUPPA The wedding ceremony takes place under the chuppah (canopy). The chuppah is symbolic of the home that the new couple will build together. It is open on all sides, just as Abraham and Sarah had their tent open all sides, to welcome people in unconditional hospitality. •

1. Welcoming the bride

2. Circling the groom seven times

The groom exits the chuppa slightly to welcome the bride and bring her into the chuppa which is a symbol of their new home. • He welcomes the escorts, also. • The escorts stand under the chuppah together with the bride. • After entering the chuppa, the bride circles the groom seven times in counterclockwise direction, accompanied by all the escorts (both her's and the groom's). • There are various possible interpretations of the circling: o Symbolizes the woman's capacity to protect her husband from harm. o Just as the world was created in seven days, the bride is figuratively building the walls of the couple's new home. o The number seven symbolizes the wholeness and completeness that they cannot attain separately. o Seven signifies completion, like the seven days of creation; a passage beyond the physical into the spiritual. Just as the seventh day of creation was the Shabbat, the completion of the world, so do the seven circles signify the couple's completed quest for each other. The bride circles her groom seven times, rising higher and higher until she becomes a crown on his head, as the Shabbat is a crown to the seven days of the week. o It may be an allusion to the prophecy regarding the Messianic Era: "The female will surround [and protect] the

25

o

o

o

o o

o

male." It recalls the seven times Joshua and the Israelites circled the walls of Jericho to bring down its walls. Similarly, the bride circles her groom seven times to break down any remaining walls or barriers between them. The seven circles may allude to the seven chupahs which God erected in the Garden of Eden in honor of the wedding of Adam and Eve. Three of these bridal circuits symbolize the three expressions of betrothal between God and Israel: "I will betroth you unto Me forever; I will betroth you unto Me in mercy, in judgment, in loving kindness, and in righteousness; I will betroth you unto me in faithfulness..." The bride circling the groom symbolizes the "encompassing" Godly light which dwells upon the married couple. With these circles the bride is creating an invisible wall around her husband into which she will step – to the exclusion of all others. The counterclockwise circuits mean that the bride is circling towards her right side, symbolic of God’s loving-kindness.

3. The bride stands beside the groom on his right hand side. 4. Mi Ban Siach

5. El male rachamim

6. Priestly blessing.

The chanzan sings Mi Ban Siach. This short hymn extols the bride's modesty and fidelity, and again appeals to God to bless the bride and groom. If any of the parents of the bride or groom are deceased, the cantor chants an Eil male rachamim (traditional prayer asking God to kindly remember the soul of the deceased). The cohanim present (or a designated cohen) bless the bride and groom with the Priestly Blessing.

26

CHUPPAH (cont’d) ERUSIN (BETROTHAL) •

1. Kiddushin

• • 2. Chazzan chants two blessings. 3. Drink from the 1st cup of wine 4. The groom’s declaration and

giving a ring to the bride.

• • • •

•

•

•

Wine is a symbol of joy in Jewish tradition. It is associated with the “Kiddush”, or sanctification prayer that is recited at home before dinner on Shabbat and festivals. The act of marriage, Kiddushin, is the sanctification of a man and woman to each other. Two cups of wine are used during this ceremony. A special wedding cup may be used, if so desired. Blessing on the cup of wine. Blessing on the act of kiddushin. The groom, then the bride, drink from the cup of wine. Because the ring giving bears significance as a legal transaction in Jewish law, the wedding ceremony may not take place on Shabbat or Jewish holidays with Sabbath-like work restrictions. Two kosher witnesses move in under the chuppa, close to the bride and groom, so that they can clearly hear the groom’s declaration and see the transaction. Try, as much as possible, to arrange things so that the guests are able to see this transaction, also. The chatan takes the wedding ring in his hand, takes his bride’s right hand and declares: “Hare at mekudeshet li betaba' at zo k'dat Moshe v' Yisrael.” "With this ring you are consecrated to me as my wife in accordance with the religious teaching of Moses and the people of Israel.”

•

27

Guests respond:

“Mekudeshet” “She is sanctified.” Mazal tov! •

The groom places the ring on the index finger (i.e. pointing finger or forefinger) of his bride's right hand. Yes, you read that correctly. After a few moments, the bride can discretely put the ring onto the “ring finger” of the left hand (as is the custom in America) or of the right hand (as is the custom in Israel).

•

According to Jewish law, this is the central moment of the wedding ceremony. The ring symbolizes the transcendent and encompassing light that permeates the couple's marriage. Just like the solid, round, gold ring, it is hoped that the marriage will be one of simple beauty. The circularity and solidity of the metal suggest the permanence of the relationship now being created. The bride may give a wedding band to the groom later in the ceremony.

•

•

•

•

28

CHUPPA (cont’d) KETUBAH 1. Speech Who will do this?

•

The Rabbi or someone else may address the couple at this point.

•

The Ketubah is first read in Aramaic, then in English. The honor of reading the Ketubah is normally reserved for a Torah scholar, or at least for someone fluent in Aramaic. The Ketubah is reminiscent of the “wedding” between God and Israel when Moses took the Torah, the "Book of the Covenant," and read it to the Jews at Mount Sinai. God, the groom, undertook to provide for all the physical and spiritual needs of His bride, Israel, who accepted the covenant. This "marriage contract" has assured the survival of the Jewish people for thousands of years since. The Ketubah is an ancient document specifying the bride and groom's obligations to each other and contingencies in case of divorce. Certain marital responsibilities that the chatan accepts upon himself are detailed in the Ketubah. His principal obligations are to provide food, shelter and clothing for his wife, and to be attentive to her emotional needs. The protection of the rights of a Jewish wife is so important that the marriage may not be solemnized until the contract has been completed. The Ketubah is signed by two kosher witnesses, and has the standing of a legally binding agreement.

_________________________

• •

2. The Ketubah is read aloud. Who will do this?

•

_________________________

•

3. The Ketubah is handed to the groom. 4. The groom hands the Ketubah to the bride.

•

29

The Ketubah is the property of the bride and she must have access to it throughout their marriage.

CHUPPA (cont’d) NI’SUIN (MARRIAGE) Pour the 2nd cup of wine. •

Sheva berachot (7 blessings)

1. The 1st blessing (hagafen) 2. The 2nd blessing 3. The 3rd blessing 4. The 4th blessing 5. The 5th blessing

Seven blessings are made on the 2nd cup of wine. • The first blessing is the blessing on wine, and the remaining six are marriage blessings. • The presence of 10 Jewish males over the age of bar mitzvah are necessary for the recitation of the first six of these blessings. • If both the bride and the groom have been previously married, only three blessings are recited (consult with your Rabbi about this). • As an honor, a number of rabbis, community leaders or relatives and close friends may be called upon to recite the seven blessings. • The first blessing (the hagafen) and the second blessing are recited by the same person; another five men are honored with the remaining five. • The last blessing, known as the brachah ach'rita, is considered the most prestigious, and is normally reserved for a very special individual. • Before each blessing, the master of ceremonies announces, "Mr. John Doe is honored with the recitation of the Xth blessing." • The honoree approaches and stands beneath the chupah where he is given a copy of the blessings and the cup of wine which he holds while he recites the blessing. "she-hakol bara lichvodo" – that everything was created for His glory "yotzer ha-adam" – who created man "asher yatzar et ha-adam b'tzalmo" – who created man in his image... "sos tasis v'tagel ha'akara" – the barren one

30

6. The 6th blessing 7. The 7th blessing 8. The bride and groom drink

from the 2nd cup.

9. Breaking the glass At the sound of the breaking glass, everyone shouts: MAZAL TOV!! and the musicians play joyous Jewish music.

will rejoice in the ingathering of her children "samei'ach t'samach reyim ahuvim" – rejoice beloved friends "asher bara sason v'simcha chatan v'kalla" – who created joy and happiness, groom and bride... • After the conclusion of the seventh blessing, the bride and groom drink from the 2nd cup of wine. • The groom steps on a glass wrapped in a cloth (or a light bulb because it makes more noise). A lightbulb may be substituted to make more noise. • There are a number of different possible interpretations for the breaking of the glass: o "If I forget you, O Jerusalem, let my right hand forget [its dexterity]. Let my tongue cleave to my palate if I will not remember you; if I will not bring Jerusalem to mind during my greatest joy." o A metaphor for the finality of the bond that has been established. Just as a broken glass can never be reconstructed, so, too, we pray that this relationship last forever. o In Berakhot 31a, the rabbis tell the story of the wedding of Rav Ashi's son. When the the celebrants grew raucous, Rav Ashi smashed a crystal glass in front of them. The interpretation by the Tosafot is that even during moments of great celebration, one must maintain a degree of sobriety. o The custom is a reminder of the broken fragments of Creation, and the need to engage in Tikkun Olam, the repairing of the world on a spiritual level. •

10. The bride & groom exit 11. The guests wait for the bride and groom to return to the

•

•

31

The bride and groom exit, hand in hand, They are accompanied by the escorts (traditionally, their parents) to the yichud room. The guests move to a foyer or to the

•

reception.

reception room to wait for the bride and groom. Guests may be served appetizers to eat while waiting, but they do not begin the meal until the bride and groom arrive.

YICHUD (SECLUSION) Sephardim vs. Ashkenazim

•

•

The bride and groom are joyously escorted from the chuppah to a private room (the yichud room).

•

• • •

•

Yichud

•

The couple breaks their fast.

• •

Blessing

•

Sephardim: The couple waits until after the reception before entering the yichud room. Ashkenazim: The couple enter the yichud room immediately after the Chuppah. The official wedding ceremony ends with the completion of yichud (seclusion). The couple is escorted into the room by their parents. The parents leave the room after a few moments, leaving the couple alone. The chuppah witnesses check that there is no one else in the room besides the bride and groom. The chuppah witnesses stand outside the room and observe the door being shut and locked. They then wait outside and guard the door. The couple must be left alone for at least eight minutes in order to validate the marriage. During yichud, the couple break their fast together. Food will be waiting for them in the yichud room. This is not a meal and it will not include bread since hamotzi will be recited over a challah (large braided loaf of bread) in the reception hall together with the guests at the beginning of the festive meal. The bride blesses the groom, saying: “"May you merit to have a long life, and to unite with me in love from now until eternity. May I merit to dwell with you forever.”

32

Groom’s ring Gifts

Jewelry Other

Photography

• • •

The bride gives a ring to the groom. The bride and groom exchange gifts. The groom may present the bride with a diamond ring. • The bride puts on all the Jewelry that she had removed prior to the Chuppah. You’re may be wondering if the couple has sexual intercourse during this private time. The answer is no, this is not what it is for. However, the seclusion does symbolize their newly married state. After the couple exits the yichud room, some couples choose to have family photographs taken before proceeding to the festive meal. Others prefer not to make their quests wait for them and proceed directly to the hall.

33

DANCING, DINNER, AND MORE DANCING The bride and groom enter the reception room.

•

The first dance.

•

• Group dancing

•

• • •

•

Sit down for the meal

•

Seudat mitzvah (The festive meal) Borei pri hagafen (Blessing on wine)

• •

All the guests get up and surround the bride and groom to enthusiastically greet them with music. Singing, and rhythmic clapping. The bride and groom are lifted high up in the air on chairs and whirled around while holding opposite corners of a handkerchief while the guests clap and dance and sing around them. The chairs are lowered to the floor. The men with the groom, and the women with the bride form separate dancing circles on opposite sides of some sort of divider. The divider may be large or small or so small that it is symbolic. The men dance in a circle around the groom who dances with his father, close relatives and friends. The women dance in a circle around the bride who dances with her mother, close relatives and friends. The unchoreographed, free dancing, hopping and jumping characteristic of Jewish weddings expresses intense, unbridled joy. A Jewish wedding is a momentous event, not only for the bride and groom and their respective families, but also for the community. Thus, everyone present feels very much a part of the event. At a Jewish wedding, everyone knows how to dance. The bride and groom take their place at the head table together with their parents, grandparents, rabbi and honored guests. It is a mitzvah (commandment) to help the couple rejoice. The blessing over wine is recited. Everyone responds: “Amein” then sips the wine.

34

Netilat yadayim (washing hands)

•

•

Hamotzi (Blessing on bread)

•

The meal Speeches

• • • • • • •

Two cups of wine

•

•

Birkat hamazon (Grace after meals)

•

• •

•

• •

35

Everyone washes their hands (at washing stands at each table, or at washing stations nearby). Pour water over one hand, then over the other hand. There is no talking after washing the hands until hamotzi is recited and a piece of the challah eaten. The bride or the groom recites the hamotzi blessing on an oversized challah which is then sliced and shared with everyone present. May be a sit-down dinner or buffet style. The parents of the groom The parents of the bride Others The bride The groom Some or all of these speeches can also be done during a pause in the dancing later on. After the meal, just before birkat hamazon, two full cups of wine (best to use white wine) are prepared for birkat hamazon and the sheva berachot that will follow. One cup is for the person leading the birkat hamzon. The other cup is for the sheva berachot. Guests are requested not to bench (recite the grace after meals) individually, but to wait for the person honored to lead it to begin. At a wedding, birkat hamazon is recited after the meal but before desert. A minyan of 10 males over the age of bar mitzvah must be present in order to recite the shevah berachot. If there is not a minyan present, then only the last blessing of the sheva berachot is recited, but only if there is a mezuman of three present. The text for birkat hamazon is in the “benchers” found on the tables. Birkat hamazon is sung in Hebrew in

•

• Sheva berachot (yes, again) The first cup of wine

•

Mixing wine from the two cups

•

Bride and groom sip from the wine Aishet Chayil

• • • •

Krenzl dance

•

Mizinke dance

•

Simchat Chatan V’Kallah (entertaining the bride and groom)

•

More dancing

•

Mitzvah dance

•

•

•

•

unison by everyone present. Those who do not understand Hebrew can read the translation in English. Dessert will be served during an intermission in the dancing to follow. The first six blessings are recited. The person who led the Grace after Meals recites borei pri hagafen (blessing on wine) and sips from his cup. A bit of wine from one cup is poured into the other cup of wine. The groom sips from one cup. The bride sips from the other cup. The groom sings this song to his bride, He may be accompanied by his friends or by all the guests present. In the case where the bride is the last daughter to be wed, the mother is crowned with a wreath of flowers and the bride (and her sisters) dance around her. A dance for the parents of the parents of the bride or groom when their last child is wed. The bride and groom are seated beside each other on the dance floor. Various improvised amateur acrobatics and stunts using assorted props and costumes are performed in front of the seated couple. The singing, dancing, and merrymaking continue with several intermissions during which dessert is served. The fathers, grandfathers, uncles, and the groom may dance with the bride for a few moments. Other men dance with her via a napkin, or cord that they hold between them.

The guests go home, leaving the bride and groom to enjoy some time together.

36

SHEVA BERACHOT – THE WEEK FOLLOWING THE WEDDING

It is customary for friends and family to host a meal for the newlyweds during the first seven days of the wedding in order to recite the sheva berachot in the presence of a minyan. There should be at least one new face at each of these meals, i.e. someone who was not at the wedding. Family and friends divide the honors and collaborate for these festivities that continue during the week following the wedding. The day of the wedding is counted as the first day. The meal traditionally features singing and a d’var Torah delivered by the groom, the bride, or one of the guests. Following birkat hamazon (grace after meals) the Sheva Brachot are recited.

YOUR NEW HOME

•

It is an old custom that the first items brought into the couples new home following the wedding are bread and salt: o Bread is seen as the basic staple of human sustenance o Salt never decays, never spoils, never loses its flavor.

•

The primary requirement is to fix mezuzot to the doorways of the home. o

The mezuzah is located in the upper third of the right hand side of the doorway as you enter the room.

o It is set at an angle with the top leaning inward toward the room. •

Shortly after settling into the new home, it is customary to host a Chanukat Habayit party.

THE HONEYMOON Anytime, anywhere following the week of sheva berachot.. It’s not really a Jewish custom, but there’s no reason not to have a honeymoon – if you can afford it.

37

MAZEL TOV AND HAVE A WONDERFUL LIFE TOGETHER!

38