Dispatch The 5th

Dispatch the 5th Kampala

once again, I’m sorry Mom….

The most common question I get about Uganda is

Dude, what is Uganda like?

The most common answer I give is: Have you ever seen Apocalypto*? It’s kind of like that

Which is not to say I spend all my time fleeing spear wielding natives, but let’s call it like 40%….. * Stolen from Huge in Asia

But seriously now… ... I jest about the spear-wielding natives because Uganda defies your typical sub-Saharan African stereotypes. Now I could give that speech about how modern the place is, how talented and well educated the people are, how there's a half decent Mexican place next to a rock-solid Chinese restaurant and how the world is flat and all that. And that speech would be completely true, But let's face it: That speech is You just made my ‘stache tingle

REALLY BORING

Instead … let's first celebrate the absurd African stereotypes and clichés that sometimes actually come true. Join me in a game that I call .....

African Cliché Tic-Tac-Toe

You

ME

Contestants: Contestants Me versus all of you Rules: Photographic evidence of the above clichés scores me/you an X / O on the board. Unfair headhead-start: I already have woman with bowl of bananas on head and smiling white guy (Brian) with horde of barefoot children. Better try to catch up. In the spirit of Web 2.0 (mandated by Jon / John): User-submitted entries for the last three squares. That means you emailing me ideas.

Kampala, je t’aime: Two Vignettes Brian Kelly visited from Hong Kong. Obviously we went to the local Chinese Restaurant. It went down like this: Brian

Whats the BEST BEER in Uganda?

Brian

What's the SECOND BEST BEER in Uganda?

Waiter

Tusker!!!

Waiter

Shmearminov!!!

Brian

Bring us two Tuskers

Brian

Did he say Shmearminov?

Phil

(Ten minutes later waiter brings two crisp refreshing Tuskers Brian is encouraged)

Brian, I think he said Smirnoff

Brian

Did you say Smirnoff or Shmearminov

Waiter

Would you like WHITE SHMEARMINOV or RED SHMEARMINOV????

Brian

...It must be a beer then. One of each, sir!

By now we all know how this is going to end

White Shmearminov

Red Shmearminov

Looking for fun like this to spice up Law School / unemployment? Book your ticket to Kampala now And bring me granola bars and Easy Mac.

Kampala, je t’aime : A second vignette A group of Ex-pats form a ex-pat dance circle at the local club “Rouge” Ski Team

Scotty Danceparty

Preceded by “The Sprinkler”

9:00 AM Harvard/Yale

Michael Jackson

Performed twice (consecutively)

7:00 AM Harvard/Yale

Office Holiday Party

Performed once

Alexis

Sklaver’s Bar Mitzvah

Not needed

Intoxication

Rhythm

“The Lawnmower”

Things were going as expected until two vaguely familiar gentlemen appear on the scene

Up dance two guys much in the spirit, if not the attire, of the Night at the Roxbury. Hair gelled. One calls the other one "bro." They creepily hover around our group waiting to strike. The first orbits the dance circle slowly but deliberately (see figure 1: West Orange Circumnavigation) to better position himself. Like the cheetah to the antelope, he attempts the Teaneck Pounce and Grind (see figure 2) on the straggling female of the group. She flees much in the same manner as girls do when spiders appear, arms flailing in motion of a bike pedal and runs to the other side of the circle. Undeterred, he circumnavigates again and in a brilliant tactical maneuver chases her toward the corner of the room. Checkmate – Now he has her right where he wants her. As seen many times in game parks such as “Park” and “Mansion“ he unleashes the East Rutherford Pincer (see figure 3). Only with backup from the rest of the herd is the girl able to escape.

Figure 1:

The West Orange Circumnavigation Figure 2:

The Teaneck Pounce and Grind Figure 3:

Extended left arm to block egress

Shrewd positioning at wall corner

The East Rutherford Pincer

Folks, this may seem like a long pointless story, but the moral is this: You can run

You can hide

You can fly somewhere that is 10,000 miles from the nearest tunnel, bridge or full-service Hess Station

But you can be sure as shit if it's 5am and you’re at a club called "Rouge" with a group of females, it’s basically inevitable...

….New Jersey will find you

Conciliatory shout out to Amelia Page

1. Sup, A. 2. Sorry. 3. You know why.

How to Skype me in Uganda, an illustrated guide

Dedications

Dedicated to: Dave Harrison, Moon-The-Houn, Clara Barton, the town of Fergus, the golden sheet, that bouncer who took off his belt and chased Santiago out of G-Spa, New Rochelle’s resident entrepreneur Lonny, Sederfest 2k11, Jerry Webb, N. Gregory Mankiw, Helen K, Zach Dennett (BCCed), $49 cots, Doida in all its forms, Around the World by ATC, Papi, intellectual train recks, the Chairman, Car Hopping, Elle Burgdorf, Too Much Godfather, Dr. Zizmor, and the recently-Iday-bereft mujeres of After Office Hidalgo.

And lest I forget -- Frank, you look good tonight.

P.S. Facebook, I hate you (but I’m not in hate with you*)


I hate facebook because sometimes the truth hurts.
Facebook I hate you but I’m not in hate with you

PEOPLE! Know anyone in Uganda? Help a mazungu out.

* Stolen from @Nick