Death Fees

Clark Palmer [email protected]

about 4,000 words

Death fees by Clark Palmer

Carter collapsed onto the thrift-store sofa in his apartment.

Ghosts couldn’t get physically exhausted, but

driving around unlocking car doors and front doors for 12 hours took quite a toll on the mind. Carter thought that when he died he’d be done with the soul-crushing parade of Mondays, 40-hour work weeks and bills.

But it was illegal for ghosts to “haunt” the places

they used to live, and the justice system didn’t do much to stop the multitude of ghost-catching businesses from capturing ghosts who did so.

The justice system also

wasn’t very protective of nomad ghosts, so they were often captured by ghost catchers hired by those who felt uncomfortable living or working near ghosts. So Carter was forced to get a job as a locksmith to pay for a two-room fifth-floor walk-up downtown.

Palmer / Death Fees / 2 He didn’t have much choice in the job either. Employers didn’t hire many ghosts because most consumers didn’t like them.

Fortunately, there were certain things

that were a lot easier for a ghost to do than a flesh-andblood human being, mainly tasks that involved passing through objects or floating around. That’s why there were a lot of ghost locksmiths, night stock clerks, and “assistants” for lawyers and politicians--getting into a room unseen was quite a marketable skill among that crowd.

Carter decided against

it because victims of those tactics had started employing the Ghostwranglers, arguably the most successful ghostcatching business to spring up since ghosts started allowing themselves to be visible to humans all the time. The Ghostwranglers were a particularly ruthless band of rednecks who rarely botched an attempt to catch a ghost. Carter grabbed the remote to the computer and flipped it on to check his mail.

The first message on the list was

from Wakefield-Newton Bank. Carter’s electromagnetic plasma body rippled.

For

several tense moments his thumb hovered over the button to open the message.

When he finally pressed it and began

reading the message he sank deeper into the couch.

Palmer / Death Fees / 3 Wakefield-Newton Bank funded one of the credit cards Carter used when he was alive.

He was still tens of

thousands of dollars in debt when he died. Carter flipped back to the mail list and saw a few more messages from credit card companies or banks that backed his old credit cards. Technically Carter was the person the creditors wanted. like him.

He looked like him and talked like him and walked But they had different social security numbers,

different driver’s license numbers, different addresses... However, Carter was still quick to anger--the main reason he got into debt was because he had a lot of trouble controlling his impulses.

He immediately called Wakefield-

Newton Bank’s corporate headquarters.

It was nine in the

morning and they had just opened. “Wakefield-Newton, this is Pat, how can I help you?” His voice was uncomfortably cheery and well mannered. Carter always hated that.

He would’ve respected

creditors so much more if they talked to customers in the same way they treated them. “I think there’s been some kind of mistake, Pat. just got a bill from you guys.” statement very clearly.

I

Carter enunciated his next

“And I’m dead.”

“Ah--you mean...you’re a ghost, sir?”

Palmer / Death Fees / 4 “Yeah.

I don’t owe you guys anything anymore.”

“Well, sir, it is our policy to continue seeking payment from the cardholder, and not his next of kin, if the cardholder can be located.” “Since when?” “I couldn’t tell you that, sir, but it is our policy. Would you like to review the bill you received?” Carter shook his head.

“No, I don’t need to review

it, because I’m not paying it!

Get--”

“–-Well, it sounds like this is the first bill you’ve received since your change in life status and there are some new fees that you’ll probably want explained.” “Look...Wait a minute, what new fees?” Carter began studying the bill more closely while Pat brought Carter’s account up on his computer.

“Death fee?

What the hell is that?” “That’s a fee for passing away before paying off your balance.” “You’re charging me for dying?” “That’s standard practice here at Wakefield-Newton, Mr. Brown.” “Do you people have souls?” “Ah--I’m not permitted to make statements on behalf of the company, Mr. Brown.”

Palmer / Death Fees / 5 At that point, Carter was pacing back and forth in front of his computer. rate?

“And what’s with this interest

That’s way more than you were charging before.”

“Well, we don’t know how long you will be...” he searched for the word, “...‘here’ for us to seek payment from you.

But we’d be willing to work with you to

negotiate a different rate if you knew when you’d be departing.” “That’s ridiculous.

Do any of your ghost customers

know when they’re crossing over?” “I’m not at liberty--” “--Just forget it.

I guess that’s the same reason

these finance charges are so insane.” “Mr. Brown, I’d like to point out that we have an appeals process for the finance charges and interest rates.” Carter chuckled sarcastically. that years ago.

“No thanks.

I tried

It’s so damned tedious I just gave up.”

If he was going to fight this, Carter knew he had to bring in the big guns--publicity-hound lawyers who helped ghosts navigate the rapidly-developing institutional structures that dealt with ghosts. “Do you have any more questions, Mr. Brown?”

Palmer / Death Fees / 6 Carter sighed. was useless.

Getting Pat’s supervisor on the phone

He wouldn’t know what he was talking about

any more than Pat did.

Plus, Carter would have to go over

all of his complaints again when the supervisor picked up the phone, because when it came to customer service departments, one hand had no clue what the other was doing. “No.” “Well, thank you for the phone call Mr. Brown. says here your bill is due on the 28th.

It

Have a wonderful

day.” “Wait,” Carter said.

“I don’t get paid until the

30th.” “The payment due date is non-negotiable.

You might

try a payday advance.” “Yeah, right.

They’re gonna give a payday advance to

a ghost.” “Well, good luck finding a solution to your problem Mr. Brown.

Have a great--”

“--But today’s the 23rd.

How long does it take you to

process payment?” “We require five days Mr. Brown.” “So I have to pay today.” “Ah...yes.

You would need to post payment today so it

wouldn’t be late.”

Palmer / Death Fees / 7 “I don’t get this! Internet.

I’m sending payment over the

It doesn’t make any sense for it to take five

days for you to process.” “We have to wait for the check to clear or confirm that you have enough money in your bank account, depending on how you pay.” “Yeah, right.

That takes five days.

What’s the fine

for not paying on time?” “That’s $65, sir.” Carter ended the call pretty quickly after that.

He

was not going to spend his afterlife paying off credit card debts.

He wasn’t earning enough money to make the minimum

payments on all of the bills every month.

And it would be

very difficult, if not impossible, to find a higher-paying job because he was a ghost.

So the debts would probably

end up getting handed off to debt collection agencies and they’d start garnishing his wages or taking his stuff. Even though he hadn’t owned the sofa, the computer, the table it sat on or the other things in his apartment for that long--and they were secondhand--he’d developed an attachment to them.

He’d lost so much in his death.

felt normal to actually own things again. But Carter didn’t let himself sit around feeling depressed.

He quickly found the address of Robert

It

Palmer / Death Fees / 8 Kozlowski’s law office, made himself invisible, and floated down there. Kozlowski scored the first real victory in the quest for ghost civil rights about a year earlier when he prosecuted the Ghostwranglers for attacking and capturing Larry Jones, who had become somewhat of a folk hero in the ghost community.

The jury found Bobby Joe Wright and the

rest of the Ghostwranglers guilty of falsely imprisoning Jones and fined them a few thousand dollars.

Rumor had it

that Jones crossed over only a few minutes after the trial ended.

Carter didn’t know if that was true but Jones was

never seen after the trial. Back then Kozlowski was an assistant district attorney.

He moved to defense shortly thereafter.

Carter

knew he had defended several ghosts since the Jones case and each time had helped to change the law slightly so ghosts would be treated more like human beings. However, defense apparently wasn’t paying big bucks yet because Kozlowski’s three-room office was next to a supermarket.

Yellow paint was peeling off the walls in

several spots and there were all kinds of stains on the gray carpet, which obviously hadn’t been replaced since the previous tenant left.

Palmer / Death Fees / 9 Kozlowski’s secretary didn’t greet Carter as he walked into the otherwise empty waiting room.

Carter didn’t think

the slight was because he was a ghost. From the looks of her she wasn’t Kozlowski’s first choice.

Carter always thought a secretary said a lot about

a business.

An older secretary made your operation look

more serious and well run.

A younger secretary, like the

20-something bleach-blonde with way too much makeup and tacky gold jewelry who sat in front of Carter, screamed bad customer service and poor work ethic. “Is there any way I can see Mr. Kozlowski today?

I

don’t have an appointment, but it’s really important that I see him right away.” She continued to file her nails without looking up. “He’s with somebody now but after that he’ll probably have time.

He doesn’t have much goin’ on today.”

Carter took a seat.

He guessed that Kozlowski needed

as many clients as he could get, so he wasn’t in a position to shoo away people, particularly ghosts, who walked in with urgent problems. About 20 minutes later, a flesh-and-blood person walked out of Kozlowski’s office trailed by Kozlowski. was readily apparent to Carter that Kozlowski was only defending ghosts for the media attention so he could

It

Palmer / Death Fees / 10 attract living clients who had more money.

It looked like

his strategy was starting to pay off. Carter waited for Kozlowski to escort his client out the door before approaching. Brown.”

Carter

He stuck his hand out for a moment before looking

down at it. sorry.

“Mr. Kozlowski?

Obviously Kozlowski couldn’t shake it.

“I’m

I still do that.”

Kozlowski smiled. it or not.

“That’s OK.

I do it too, believe

It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Brown.

I’m guessing

you just walked in?” “He doesn’t have an appointment but he said he really needs to see you,” the secretary chimed in matter-offactly. “I’ve always got time for a ghost who’s in trouble.

I

wouldn’t have a job without you guys.” Kozlowski led Carter into his office.

When Carter sat

down he felt like an enormous weight had been lifted off of his shoulders.

Kozlowski would be able to do something to

make his problem a lot easier to deal with, he was sure of it. Kozlowski seemed to be about as sleazy as they came. His slicked-back hair, freshly-starched pink dress shirt, and expensive watch said he would do whatever he had to do to win a case.

Kozlowski wanted out of his crummy office

Palmer / Death Fees / 11 and into the big-time.

Carter had no qualms about

Kozlowski getting there on his electromagnetic-plasma back. “So what can I do for you Mr. Brown?” Kozlowski said, his fingers steepled in front of him. “I didn’t pay off my credit cards before I died and now they’re coming after me for the money. bills in my mail today.

I just saw the

I called them but they said

they’re allowed to do this.” Kozlowski nodded. debts.

“So you want to get out of your

Is that right?”

“Yeah.

I mean, this isn’t right.

I’m dead.

I’m not

responsible for this.” “Would you be satisfied with less debt rather than completely getting out of debt?” “No...No.

I shouldn’t have any debt.

This is wrong.”

“Do you work?” “Yeah.

I’m a locksmith.”

“Do you have an apartment?” “Why do you ask?” Kozlowski leaned back in his chair.

“Well, it would

be one thing if you roamed around and didn’t act like one of the living.

But you’re not doing that.

In most

circumstances, the law considers you a human being. have to accept everything that comes with that.

You

Palmer / Death Fees / 12 Unfortunately, that includes credit card debt. your situation clinches it. credit card companies.

In fact,

Ghosts can get screwed over by

You’re as human as the rest of us.”

“So, what am I supposed to be happy now?” Kozlowski leaned forward, his elbows resting on his desk.

“No.

I don’t think anyone with a lot of debt is

supposed to be happy.

But I want you to know that I’d be

happy to work with you to ensure you’re treated fairly as you work to pay off your debt.

I’d also be able to help if

you decide to file for bankruptcy.

I think you’d be the

first ghost in history to do so.” You’d love that wouldn’t you, Carter thought.

“So,

you’re saying you’d have to roll back my civil rights to get me out of this?” “Yes.

That’s correct.”

Carter looked into the other man’s eyes.

“Well maybe

I should find a lawyer who’s fighting against ghost civil rights.” “That’s certainly up to you.

I think you’d be hard-

pressed to find a lawyer dedicated to that.

I think your

best bet is to handle this like anyone else in debt would handle it. “But let’s say, for argument’s sake, you did roll back your civil rights.

You’d be out of credit card debt but it

Palmer / Death Fees / 13 would probably be open season on you for ghost catchers.

I

think your current situation is the lesser of two evils. Trust me, I need clients in the worst way.

So this is my

honest opinion.” Carter knew why ghosts kept coming to Kozlowski.

He

may have been a sleaze ball but when you hired him he was your sleaze ball. As Carter was leaving Kozlowski’s office, he told him he would consider his offer of helping to lower his debt. Kozlowski wished Carter good luck, which always seemed so insincere coming from someone--particularly a lawyer-who had just refused to help in the way you had asked. Carter had just enough money left in his bank account to make the minimum payment on a few of his credit card bills so he went ahead and did it.

He needed to buy

himself some time to figure out what to do. If Kozlowski wouldn’t help him, legal options were out the window.

He was the best.

After meeting him, Carter

was certain of it. Going around the law was an option but Carter had never done that before and he wouldn’t even know where to begin.

He didn’t know that many ghosts and the ones he did

know were just trying to kill time before they crossed over

Palmer / Death Fees / 14 without getting captured by ghost catchers.

Was it even

possible to create a new identity for a ghost? Carter wasn’t any closer to a solution when he got to work several hours later.

He greeted his boss, Randy, as

the door closed behind him. Randy immediately stopped his accounting work and gave Carter an uncomfortable smile. “Carter.

How ya doin’?”

Carter shook his head as he took a seat in front of Randy’s desk.

“It’s actually been a pretty bad day so far.

Why?” “Well...”

Randy sighed.

“I’m sorry I gotta make it

worse.” “I can’t imagine how you could but lay it on me.” Randy rolled his tongue around in his mouth and clasped his hands on the desk in front of him. probationary period’s almost up.

“Your

And ah...I’ve decided

that we’re not gonna keep you on.” Carter stared at the other man, speechless. “You’ve worked hard and I really appreciate that. Your coworkers like you. looking for.

But you’re just not what I’m

It’s nothin’ personal.”

Carter knew, as did anyone who had ever had a job, that Randy could decide not to make him a full-fledged

Palmer / Death Fees / 15 employee for virtually any reason. Randy wasn’t telling him.

But there was something

“Did you get a credit report

recently?” Randy leaned back in his chair.

“Honestly, I’d just

like to leave it at what I said before. what I’m looking for right now.

You’re just not

I’m sure you can find

another job.” “Is it because I’m a ghost? because of me?

Are you losing customers

Because, really, if that’s the case I’ll

have a lot more respect for you if you just say that.” “Carter, look...Let’s not make this any harder than it has to be.

I said what I wanted to say.

you’re upset.

I understand

This is a business decision, but that means

a lotta things.” Carter stood up.

“It’s one of the two or both.

I’m

losing you business and/or the credit report thing.” Carter ignored Randy’s apology and left, ignoring the greetings he received from two of his coworkers as they passed him. Oddly enough, the main reason he was angry about being fired was that he felt like he belonged at Seaside Locksmiths.

As far as his credit card debt was concerned,

he was screwed before he walked into Randy’s office. one more setback really matter that much?

Did

Carter felt like

Palmer / Death Fees / 16 he had actually lost the mental strength to get angry about his worsening situation. The last time he felt that way he committed suicide. That’s what made his current predicament so much more daunting and hopeless.

There was no way out of it unless

he accomplished his unfinished business, and no ghost knew what that was before they accomplished it, and crossed over in the near future.

Ghosts couldn’t be killed.

Carter

couldn’t even self mutilate to get a reprieve from his anxiety and nervousness--ghosts didn’t feel physical pain. Part of him didn’t blame Randy for firing him.

When

people saw the big gashes on Carter’s wrists they knew he had committed suicide.

The cuts all over his arms and legs

didn’t do anything to dissuade people from the idea that Carter was mentally unbalanced.

People who were already

uncomfortable around ghosts must have had a big problem with Carter. There was no way to cover up Carter’s scars because ghosts were stuck with clothes they were wearing when they died.

Carter had on a faded t-shirt with several little

holes in it and sweatpants with a hole that his knee protruded from when he sat down.

He was in an extremely

depressed period of his manic-depressive cycle and he’d been sitting around his house for several days before

Palmer / Death Fees / 17 committing suicide.

That explained the bags under his eyes

and the six days of beard growth. When Carter got back home he began to rationalize an illegal solution to his problem.

If he couldn’t be killed

or physically hurt, what did he have to fear about breaking the law by creating a new identity? jail.

So they’d put him in

It’s not like he’d have to worry about gang rape or

anything. Besides, breaking the law would be fun--a lot more fun than working to try to slowly pay off his debts. “Hold on a minute lad,” said someone with an Irish accent.

“I can’t have you goin’ and doin’ that.”

Carter looked around, thinking he had finally completely lost it.

Then a ghost materialized in front of

his computer. Carter wondered if the man in front of him was the first to actually die while wearing sun glasses.

Designer

sun glasses at that. The last time he shaved must have been a few days before he died.

His black hair went a little less than

halfway down his neck and was streaked with gray. The man apparently didn’t lose his fashion sense as he aged either.

Carter recognized the jacket and v-neck t-

Palmer / Death Fees / 18 shirt from commercials or concert footage or something like that. “You’re B. right?

You were in that rock band from

Ireland.” “I was also recognized for all the humanitarian work I did, lad.

That’s probably why you know me.”

“Yeah, you wish it was don’t ya?

I guess the

douchebaginess didn’t go away when you died.” B. frowned.

“I’m not here about me.

I’m here to stop

you from getting out of your debt.” “Hey, by the way, what kind of a prick only has one name?

How did you walk around with balls that big?”

“Listen,” B. said. Carter chuckled.

“Can we just move on to you?” “Alright...go ahead.”

B. cleared his throat deliberately. said.

“Thank you,” he

“Now if you try to get out of your debt illegally

you’re really gonna mess up the future and create a lot of problems in the next stage of existence.” “So my credit card debt has some sort of cosmic significance?” “Yes.

Ever since ghosts came out of hiding and

started living like humans they’ve been really screwing up the whole existence cycle and the natural order.

We’re all

getting really tired of it so we’ve started to intervene.

Palmer / Death Fees / 19 We’re sick of all the paperwork and the wrong people being in the wrong places at the wrong times.” “We?”

Carter’s eyes narrowed.

“You mean you’re one

of the people in charge in the next stage when ghosts crossover?” “I’m on the board of directors, yes.” “Jesus, didn’t you get enough attention when you were down here?” “Y’know, a lot of people up there like me.” “Yeah, a lot of people used to think ghosts were a silly superstition too.” B. rolled his eyes. about this. want.

“Fine, lad.

But I’m serious

We can keep you down here for eternity if we

Or we can make the next stage of existence a living

hell.” Carter took a moment to admire the phrase “living hell.” “So I have to pay off my debt before I can move on?” Carter said. B. shook his head.

“No.

This isn’t your unfinished

business but it’s a big deal in the grand scheme of things.”

Palmer / Death Fees / 20 “Well, if you guys are so concerned about us ghosts messing things up why don’t you stop these credit card companies from coming after us?” “Hold on now.

We don’t have that much power.

I can

put in a request if you like?” “How long does it take to answer a request?” “Let’s see...in human time, I’d say about 10 years.” “Oh, great.” “I have to go now.

But remember what I said.

You

probably want to have at least a few friends when you cross over.

Be smart.”

“Wait a minute, real quick, I gotta ask...have you found what you’re looking for yet?” B. didn’t respond and quickly evaporated.

As Carter

sat on his couch, he couldn’t help but wonder if the afterlife just got progressively worse.

He didn’t want to

know who else was on the board of directors with B. But his afterlife had already been brutal enough.

He

didn’t want to make things worse through his own actions. So, on the morning of March 24, 2075, Carter Brown became the first ghost to file for bankruptcy.

As he went

through the process all he could think about was how he was doing something because B. asked him to. Life--actually the afterlife--had a really sick sense of humor.