"committed" By A.r. Kirby -- Episode 21: 'hell Hath No Fury'

COMMITTED by A.R. Kirby

Episode 21 Hell hath no fury like a woman trying to save the planet

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oby waited impatiently by the front door, his heavy front paw keeping time to an unheard, hurried beat while Tal and Liv finished their preparations for their day of training. The alien cat cast a glance at the antique cuckoo clock over the mantel; the hands read ten minutes before nine in the morning. “I didn’t know apes mated with sloths,” Toby screeched, his shrill voice surprisingly loud, especially considering it emanated from the body of a cat. Granted, Toby’s feline form was that of a rather large cat (and a quite obese one at that), but the volume escaping from his mouth was both exceedingly out of place and unnerving. “You two get out here! There’s a world to save!” Liv skidded into the living room a moment later, tugging at her bra strap and looking frazzled. In another instant, Tal appeared, seemingly even more bewildered than his wife. Toby looked over his human charges and snickered to himself. Tal wore a mostlyblue tie-dyed t-shirt from the Grateful Dead’s 1989 spring tour, tan cargo shorts, and brown leather hiking boots with wool socks pushed down around his ankles. Liv, on the other hand, was wearing black spandex shorts, a matching jogging top that showed her midriff, running shoes, and an iPod attached to her waistband. “Was that you?” Tal was incredulous as he bent to tie his bootlace.

Committed by A.R. Kirby “Who else would it have been?” “Well, you didn’t have to yell,” Liv said as she patted her shoulder, secure in the knowledge that her bra strap was safely in place. “Keep that up, and the whole neighborhood will know that our cat isn’t exactly a cat. I thought we were trying to keep this under wraps.” “It’s not me that you should be worried about,” Toby told her coldly. Was that a hint of malice in his voice? Liv briefly entertained the thought, then dismissed it as Toby being theatrical. “No,” the cat went on, “you should be worrying about how you are going to save this stupid little planet of yours. Yes, I yelled. Somebody needs to yell to light a fire under the both of you. We’ve got a very short amount of time to get you ready to save the planet. Can’t you appreciate the enormity of the task that’s been set before you?” “When you put it that way, who wouldn’t want to do it?” Tal rolled his eyes and crossed his arms as he stared at Toby. “Jesus. We have absolutely no idea of what we’re supposed to do, it’s pretty obvious that you think we’re not up to it anyway, so what’s the point?” “I’ve just tried not to think about it,” Liv said as she sank to the floor, settling into a cross-legged position directly in front of Toby. “If I think about it... when I think about it, it just seems so... so big, you know? I spent all day yesterday at the office, not even thinking about working, but looking all over the internet for clues about what kind of threat we might be facing, or even what we need to do. And everywhere I looked, I saw so, so very much that’s wrong with the world. I was almost in tears a dozen times when I thought about everything that’s going on. I don’t know if anybody could fix it, least of all us.” Toby sighed and stuck his tongue inside his cheek as he 2

Episode 20 looked detachedly at his two human charges. After a moment, he spoke. “You can whine all you want, but like it or not, the two of you are this planet’s last best hope,” Toby told them, stabbing a paw in the air at the couple. “Now quit being crybabies and show me some of that ‘noble human spirit’ I’ve heard so much about but have yet to see. And Tal, you’re right. Looking at you, I think the earth is screwed. I hope you are better at saving the planet than you are at picking outfits. Mister Natural here looks like he just copped some killer weed outside a Phish show, and Mother Nature is on her way to spinning class at the Y. Forgive me if I’m not filled with hope for the planet’s future. “But lucky for you, I got the -- ahem -- honor of preparing you to save the world. Oh, joy for me, right? More’s the pity. Now get off your asses and let’s get moving. Tal, get your keys. Liv, get up. And by the way, I call shotgun in the car.” Liv rose slowly, her face abashed and pale as a result of Toby’s berating. Tal, however, instead of reaching for his keys as Toby instructed, lunged toward the cat and snatched him angrily by the scruff of the neck. “Tal!” Liv shrieked at her husband as Toby’s claws flailed vainly in the air in an attempt to lacerate Tal in as painful manner as possible. “Don’t hurt him! He’s just a cat!” “Yeah, Tal, I’m just a cat,” Toby spat. “Why don’t you set me down so I can go get some kibble?” “Listen, you fuzzy little alien turd,” Tal hissed. “You can train us, you can think you are superior to us, and you can even think we’re a waste of flesh -- but you are not going to talk to us like that. As far as I’m concerned, you are just a cat -- and if you keep up this obnoxious behavior of yours, you’ll be a dead cat. I’ll drop you off behind one of the sketchy Asian buffets downtown 3

Committed by A.R. Kirby and you’ll be tomorrow’s special.” “You wouldn’t dare.” Toby tried to sound alien and mysterious, but his voice was little more than a squeak. “Don’t try me,” Tal said in a steely whisper, staring directly into Toby’s face. “STOP IT!” Both man and alien whipped their heads around to see the source of the scream. Liv stood a foot away, fists clenched tightly at her sides, coals smoldering in her eyes. Tal slowly set Toby back down on the floor, awaiting whatever was to come next. “What the hell do you two think you’re doing?” Liv’s voice was loud, urgent, and mirrored her appearance. At the same time, though unnoticed by the trio in the living room, a breeze slowly began blowing through the room, winding in a circular pattern. “If you haven’t noticed,” she went on as the breeze grew slightly stronger with Liv’s rising voice, “I am about to completely flip out over all of this! The two of you might just make me do it before we even get to do anything! What the hell!?!?” Tal and Toby stood, transfixed in the grasp of Liv’s lecture. It wasn’t often that Liv got angry, but when she did, well, Sally bar the door. Neither of the males dared utter a word. The breeze had also strengthened into a full-blown wind by this point. The cover of Liv’s Yoga Journal flapped on the coffee table as dust particles and bits of Toby’s shed fur began spinning in an ever-accelerating ring around the three beings in the living room. Toby and Tal cast quick glances at each other, acknowledging that something odd was happening, but they almost instantly focused their attention back on the woman shouting obliviously in front of them. 4

Episode 20 “For God’s sake, Toby!” Tal silently sighed in relief. Thank God she wasn’t yelling at him. “Can’t you see that we’re trying to do the best we can? This is pretty hard to swallow, and I think we’ve done a good job of just wrapping our heads around it! You may be alien and super advanced and all that, and we’re only human, but I think you could have a little more faith in us! You have to teach us, Toby! We can’t do it by ourselves, because WE DON’T KNOW WHAT WE’RE DOING!” By this time, the wind was howling, so much so that it picked Toby off the floor and began carrying the alien rapidly around the room, much to his dismay. He yowled, and on his third circuit of the living room, Tal was able to catch the windblown cat by an outstretched hind leg. “Whoa,” Liv said, finally noticing the whirlwind roaring around the living room. She took a deep breath and the cyclone suddenly ceased, much to the relief of Tal and Toby. Tal lowered Toby to the ground by his leg and let out a low whistle. “’Whoa’ is right,” he said, gazing through the settling dust to survey the room. It was a mess. The cuckoo clock was hanging on the wall at a forty-five degree angle, magazines were tossed hither and yon, the sofa cushions were blown into a haphazard pyramid on the floor, and the doors of the entertainment center had been blasted open to disgorge a still-cascading collection of CDs, DVDs, and videotapes. “I didn’t mean to do it,” Liv said with a hint of bashfulness in her voice, but with a gleam in her eye. “I didn’t even know I was doing it. It just -- it just happened.” “No, it didn’t ‘just happen’; you made it happen,” Toby chimed in as he tried to re-dignify himself. Liv thought he sounded -- perhaps -- a bit less haughty than before. “And that’s not a bad 5

Committed by A.R. Kirby thing. Now let’s go before we destroy the whole house.” -------------It was a quiet forty-five minute drive for the three of them to the old rail yard. Tal and Liv were absorbed in their thoughts, with Liv occasionally providing directions to Tal as he drove. Toby quietly fumed most of the way; as if the events of the morning had not been insult enough, he was now being forced to ride in a carrier in the back seat. At one point, Tal offered to point out some of the more interesting landmarks they passed, but Toby just sniffed and rode along in silence. Liv eventually directed Tal down an old gravel road in a small valley northeast of town. They stopped about a mile further down at an old chain link fence that barred the road. It was about six feet high with a padlocked gate featuring a buckshot-pocked “No Trespassing” sign. “This is it,” Liv said as she got out of the car and opened the back door to retrieve Toby. “What do you think?” “If you’ll let me out of this horrid prison, I’ll tell you,” Toby said, and Liv complied. Toby didn’t wait for Liv to set the carrier on the ground after she opened the door. He jumped immediately out of the box and then leaped onto the top of the gate. Inside the fence, the old Louisville & Nashville main line (it ran parallel to the gravel road, hidden by the woods of the valley) spread into a half-dozen sidings along the two-mile length of the yard, the rusty rails a reminder of the iron-and-steel heyday of the area. Several small buildings, all with broken windows and, in one instance, a rotted wooden door hanging by one rusty hinge, dotted the landscape. Stacks of rotting crossties and rusted replacement rails littered the yard, and near what must at one time have been a maintenance shed, the hulk of a single steam engine 6

Episode 20 sat motionless as it had for nearly sixty years. Further down, what appeared to be a quarry lake could be seen. Wooded hills rose on either side of the yard, making the yard seem even more isolated. “Not bad at all,” Toby said quietly to no one in particular. “Lots to work with here... yes, this will do nicely.” He turned to look at Tal and Liv, said, “Let’s go,” and hopped down inside the yard. Tal looked at the gate, thought for a moment about breaking the rusty old padlock, and thought better of it. He set his hands on the top rail of the fence, and quickly decided it was too high to jump over. “Hey, Toby,” he called, still gripping the top of the fence. “How are we supposed to get in?” The cat stopped and looked over his shoulder at the couple. They really needed to start thinking like special people. “You can fly, remember? That should do it,” he said, and resumed walking toward the lake, his tail bobbing as he went. “How do I fly?” Toby stopped again, obviously agitated. “Oh, come on. It’s easy. Just jump up and keep going.” “Honey, it’s fine,” Liv said, kissing Tal on the cheek. “And it really is pretty easy. Watch.” With that, Liv glided gracefully into the air, easily clearing the top of the fence before settling gently on the other side. “Okay.” Tal took a deep breath, swung his arms back and forth a couple of times, then squatted like a frog. He closed his eyes, took another deep breath, and jumped up as hard as he could. 7

Committed by A.R. Kirby Tal quickly rose to the top level of the fence, but he had misjudged the angle, and the toe of his boot caught the top rail as he was going over. He flipped head over heels a couple of times before landing with a thud next to a pile of gravel about thirty feet away. Liv rushed to her husband’s side, only to find him beaming like a kid with a new bike. “Did you see it?” Tal grinned as he reached for his wife’s outstretched hand. “I flew!” “Well, not exactly,” Toby said as he walked up next to Tal. “You jumped, stubbed your toe, and busted your ass. But I guess it’s a start.” To be continued...

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