Christmas Jokes 2015.docx

Knock Knock Who's there ? Mary Mary who ? Mary Christmas ! What did one Angel say to the other ? Halo there ! How to cats greet each other at Christmas? "A furry merry Christmas & Happy mew year!" What do elephants sing at Christmas ? No-elephants, no elephants ! What does Dracula write on his Christmas cards ? Best vicious of the season What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas ? Cross mouse cards ! How do sheep greet each other at Christmas ? A merry Christmas to ewe What does Father Christmas write on his Christmas cards ? ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ (No-L !!) ! Christmas Animal Jokes Page 1 - 2 - 3 How do Chihuahua's say Merry Christmas? Fleas Navidog! How do sheep greet each other at Christmas? A merry Christmas to ewe! What squeaks and is scary? The Ghost of Christmouse Past! What do you call a cat on a beach at Christmas? Sandy Claws! What kind of bird can write? A PENguin!

Why do birds fly south in the winter? Because it's too far to walk! Where do polar bears go to vote? At the North Poll What do sheep say to Santa? Seasons bleatings! What do you call a penguin wearing ear muffs? Anything, he can't hear you! Who delivers Christmas presents to pets? Santa Paws hristmas Animal Jokes Page 1 - 2 - 3 What is twenty feet tall, has sharp teeth and goes Ho Ho Ho? Tyranno-santa Rex! What did Santa get when he crossed a woodpecker with kleenex? Rapping paper! What's the most boring animal? A polar bore! What sort of insects love snow? Mo-ski-toes! What food do you get when you cross a snowman with a polar bear? A "brrr" - "grrr"! Who delivers Christmas presents to elephants? Elephanta Claus! What do elephants sing at Christmas? No-elephants No elephants...! What do angry mice send each other? Cross-mouse cards! What do you get when you cross a bell with a skunk? Jingle smells! What is white, lives at the north pole and runs around naked? A polar bare!

What kind of pine has the sharpest needles? A porcupine! Why don't penguins fly? Because they're too short to be pilots! "Do you ever buy any Christmas Seals?" "No, I wouldn't know how to feed them." What is green, covered with tinsel and goes "ribbet ribbet"? A mistle-"toad"! What do wild animals sing at Christmastime? Jungle bells, jungle bells, jungle all the way! What is the best key to get at Christmas? A turkey! What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake? Tarzipan ! Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas ? No you can have turkey like everyone else ! What did the eskimos sing when they got there Christmas dinner ? "Whalemeat again, don't know where, don't know when " ! What did the big cracker say to the little cracker ? My pop is bigger than yours ! Who is never hungry at Christmas ? The turkey - he's always stuffed ! What bird has wings but cannot fly ? Roast turkey ! Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas cake ? Your teeth ! We had grandma for Christmas dinner ? Really, we had turkey ! Whats happens if you eat the Christmas decorations ? You get tinsel-itus ! What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas ? Grave-y !

Christmas Dinner Jokes Page 1 - 2 - 3 Mother bought a huge turkey for Christmas dinner. 'That must have cost a fortune!' I said . 'Actually I got it for a poultry amount,' she said. A man went to a butcher's and saw that the turkeys were 90p a pound. He said to the butcher, 'Do you raise them yourself?' 'Of course I do,' the butcher replied. 'They were only 50p a pound this morning!' How do you tell the difference between tinned turkey and tinned custard? Look at the labels! Did you hear about the stupid turkey? It was looking forward to Christmas! Who made this Christmas pudding? Our chef. He's a little green man who lives in a toadstool. What did he use to make it? Elf-raising flour, of course. Last year's Christmas pudding was so awful I threw it in the ocean. That's probably why the ocean's full of currants! I'd like Father Christmas stew. Er... how do you make Father Christmas stew? You keep him waiting half an hour! Is that policeman eating turkey? No, he's eating truncheon meat. This turkey's disgusting! Well, you asked for a foul roast! This turkey tastes like an old settee. Well, you asked for something with plenty of stuffing. What's brown and creeps around the house? Mince spies! Christmas Dinner Jokes Page 1 - 2 - 3 How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas? Deep pan, crisp and even!

What did the grape say to the peanut butter? "'Tis the season to be jelly!" What do ducks do before Christmas dinner? Pull their Christmas quackers! What do you drain Christmas dinner brussel sprouts with? An advent colander! What happens when you eat Christmas tree decorations? You get tinsel-itus! What's the most common wine at Christmas? Do I have to have the brussel sprouts! Will the Christmas pudding be long? No, it'll be the traditional round! Knock Knock Who's there ? Mary Mary who ? Mary Christmas ! What did one Angel say to the other ? Halo there ! How to cats greet each other at Christmas? "A furry merry Christmas & Happy mew year!" What do elephants sing at Christmas ? No-elephants, no elephants ! What does Dracula write on his Christmas cards ? Best vicious of the season What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas ? Cross mouse cards ! How do sheep greet each other at Christmas ? A merry Christmas to ewe What does Father Christmas write on his Christmas cards ? ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ (No-L !!) ! Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a Christmas bell! Just take these pills - and, if they don't work, give me a ring!

Nurse! I want to operate. Take this patient to the theatre. Ooh! good! I love a nice pantomime at Christmas! Doctor, Doctor, Father Christmas gives us oranges every Christmas. Now I think I'm turning into an orange! Have you tried playing squash? Father Christmas: Doctor, Doctor I feel so unfit Doctor: You need to go to an elf farm Doctor, Doctor, with all the excitement of Christmas I can't sleep. Try lying on the edge of your bed...you'll soon drop off! Doctor, Doctor I'm scared of Father Christmas Doctor: You're suffering from Claus-trophobia. My problem is that I keep stealing things when I go Christmas shopping. Can you give me something for it! Doctor: Try this medicine...and if it doesn't work come back and bring me a new video camera. Here are some of the classics.... What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia! What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party? Freeze a jolly good fellow Why does Santa have three gardens? So he can 'ho ho ho'! What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas? Twerky! Knock, knock Who's there? Arthur Arthur who? Arthur any mince pies left?

What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve? Auld Fang Syne Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
 Because he had a low "elf" esteem! What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
 He got 25 days! What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
 A Holly Davidson! What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
 A Christmas Quacker! What is the best Christmas present in the world?
 A broken drum, you just can't beat it! How did Scrooge win the football game?
 The ghost of Christmas passed! Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
 Santa Jaws Who is Santa's favorite singer? Elf-is Presley! What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?
 The elf-abet! What did Santa say to the smoker? Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf! What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
 Horn-aments! Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?
 They always drop their needles! Did Rudolph go to school? No. He was Elf-taught!

Why did the turkey join the band?
 Because it had the drumsticks! What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
 Frostbite! What do snowmen wear on their heads?
 Ice caps! How do snowmen get around?
 They ride an icicle! What song do you sing at a snowman's birthday party?
 Freeze a jolly good fellow! How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
 One that's deep pan, crisp and even! Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy! What do you call a cat in the desert?
 Sandy Claws! What does Santa do with fat elves?
 He sends them to an Elf Farm! What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?
 It's Christmas, Eve! How many letters are in the Christmas alphabet?
 25. There’s "no EL"! What carol is heard in the desert?
 O camel ye faithful! What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?
 Cross Mouse Cards! What athlete is warmest in winter?
 A long jumper!

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
 Tinsilitis! What's the most popular Christmas wine?
 'I don't like Brussels sprouts!' What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?
 Nice gnawing you! Why are Christmas Trees like bad knitters? They keep loosing their needles! What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?
 Jingle Smells! What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer! What's green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?
 Mistle-toad! Which famous playwright was terrified of Christmas?
 Noël Coward! What is the best Christmas present in the world? A broken drum – you just can’t beat it! How do you know if Santa is really a werewolf?
 He has Santa claws! What did the stamp say to the Christmas card? Stick with me and we'll go places! Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay? Because they were two deer! What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast? The One Show!

What did Father Christmas do when he went speed dating? He pulled a cracker! Why don't you ever see Father Christmas in hospital? Because he has private elf care! How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born? They had a weigh in a manger! Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars? Because their days are numbered! What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic. Why does Santa have 3 gardens? So he can ho-ho-ho. Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem. What do you call an elf who sings? A Wrapper! What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite. What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Ice Crispies. Contributed by: Cath Sumner A wonderful Christmas song told me to Deck The Halls....so I did. Mr. and Mrs Hall were not very happy. Don't you hate that awkward moment when Santa Claus has the same wrapping paper as your parents! How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, it was on the house!

What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas? Sandy Claws. What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? Ribbon hood. Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until until all the birds have gone south for the winter! What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad? A pineapple! What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? "It's Christmas, Eve!" There was once a great czar in Russia named Rudolph the Red. He stood looking out the windows of is palace one day while his wife, the Czarina Katerina, sat nearby knitting. He turned to her and said, "Look my dear, it has begun to rain!" Without even looking up from her knitting she replied, "It's too cold to rain. It must be sleeting." The Czar shook his head and said, "I am the Czar of all the Russias, and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!" T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care. They'd been worn all week and needed the air. Q. What do you get if you cross mistletoe and a duck? A. A Christmas Quacker. Q. What do call Santa when he stops moving? A. Santa Pause! Q. Where does a snowman keep his money? A. In a snow bank. Q. Why do mummies like Christmas so much? A. Because of all the wrapping! Contributed by: Skylablue Gorman

Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit! Did you know that according to the song, "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer", Santa has twelve reindeer? Sure, in the introduction it goes "There's Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen..." That makes eight reindeer. Then there's Rudolph, of course, so that makes nine. Then there's Olive. You know, "Olive the other reindeer used to laugh..." That makes ten. The eleventh is Howe. You know, "Then Howe the reindeer loved him..." Eleven reindeer. Oh, and number 12? That's Andy! "Andy shouted out with glee." The proof is in the song! Originally Contributed by: unknown...We were reminded about Andy by Paul Grupe! -Knock knock *Who's there? -Mary! *Mary who? -Merry Christmas Contributed by: Evelien from Belgium Knock, knock Who's there? Chris! Chris who? Christmas!!!! Contributed by: John Barkovich Q: What do you call Frosty the Snowman in May? A: A puddle! Q: Where do reindeer go to dance? A: Christmas balls! Q: If Frosty the Snowman married a vampire,what would they name their child? A: Frostbite!! Contributed by: Cassie Hauser

Q: What's red, white and blue at Christmas time? A: A sad candy cane! Contributed by: Laura Sylvester Q: What did Mary Poppins want from Santa? A: Supercalifragilisticexpialisnowshoes! Contributed by: Jemima Q: Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A: A mince spy! Contributed by: Tara Wade Q: What Christmas song is hidden in the alphabet: "A B C D E F G H I J K M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z"? A: Noel (No "L") Contributed by: Abby and Alessandra An honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus were talking when they all noticed a $5 bill on the floor. Who picked it up? Santa of course, the other two don't exist! This Christmas, in lieu of gifts, I've decided to give everyone my opinion! How does Santa sing the alphabet? A B C D E F G... HIJKLMN Oh!, Oh!, Oh!, P Q R S T U V W X Y Z! Contributed by Amber B. Knock Knock, Who's there? Hanna! Hanna who? Hanna partridge in a pear tree!

Contributed by Sara Blanks Q: Where does Santa sleep when he's traveling? A: In a Ho, Ho, Hotel! Contributed by Anastasia Maloney It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu." Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita. Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged. "But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita. Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me." Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu." Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang..... "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year." In Memory Of Jess Gonzalez Riddles Q. Which elf was the best singer? A. ELFis Presley. Q. What do you call a Christmas duck? A. A Christmas quacker! Q. What did the ghost say to Santa Claus? A. "I'll have a boo Christmas without you." Q. Who gives presents to baby sharks? A. Santa Jaws.

Q. What's white and red and goes up and down and up and down? A. Santa Claus in an elevator! Q. What says, "Now you see me, now you don't, now you see me, now you don't?" A. A snowman on a cross walk! Q. What do call Santa when he stops moving? A. Santa Pause! Q. What's a good holiday tip? A. Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter. Q. How do you know when Santa's in the room? A. You can sense his presents. Q. What do they sing under the ocean during the winter? A. Christmas Corals! Q. Why were the kids afraid of Christmas? A. Because of Santa Claws! Q. What's black and white and red all over? A. Santa covered with chimney soot. Q. How was the snow globe feeling? A. A little shaken! Q. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? A. Nothing, it was on the house! Q. What do you get when you eat Christmas decorations? A. Tinsilitis! Q. What did the snowman order at the fast food restaurant? A. An ice burger with chili sauce. Q. Where did Santa Claus go for vacation? A. Santa Cruz.

Q. Why do Rappers like Christmas so much? A. Because of all the wrapping! Q. What does a cat in the dessert have in common with Christmas? A. Sandy claws. Q. What do you get when you deep fry Santa Claus? A. Crisp Kringle. Q. What two countries should the chef use when he's making Christmas dinner? A. Turkey and Greece. Q. Why is Santa so good at karate? A. Because he has a black belt! Q. Why does Rudolph have a red nose? A. Because he sneezes a lot! Q. Why didn't the wig get any presents on Christmas? A. Because it was very knotty. Q. What did the Christmas tree say to the ornament? A. "Aren't you tired of hanging around?" Q. Who says "Oh, Oh, Oh!"? A. Santa walking backwards! Q. What do you get if you cross Santa Claus with a duck? A. A Christmas Quacker! Q. Where does a snowman keep his money? A. In a snow bank. Q. What is a reindeer's favorite instrument? A. Horns! Q. What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked in the sky? A. "Looks like rain, dear." Knock knock Jokes

Knock, knock Who's there? Irish Irish who? Irish you a Merry Christmas! Knock, knock Who's there? Sandy Sandy who? Sandy Claus! Knock, knock Who's there? Gladis Gladis who? Gladis not me who got coal this Christmas! Knock, knock Who's there? Ho, Ho, Ho Ho, Ho, Ho who? Ho, Ho, Ho, Merry Christmas to you! Knock, knock Who's there? Mary Mary who? Merry Christmas! Knock, knock Who's there? Santa Santa who? Santa Clause! Knock, knock Who's there? Snow Snow who? Snow use. I forgot my name again!

Jokes Husband: Why don't you buy Christmas seals? Wife: I really don't know how I'd feed them! It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no offence," said the judge. "It is if you do it before the shops are open," countered the prosecutor. They say in the first part in the song Rudolf The Red Nosed Reindeer there are only 8 reindeer but there are really 12. First there is Rudolf, of course. Then there is Olive, Olive the other reindeer. Then there is Howe, and Howe the reindeer loved him. Then there is Andy, Andy shouted out with glee. There are 12 reindeer in all. Father Christmas' sleigh broke down on Christmas Eve. He flagged down a passing motorist and asked, "Can you give me a hand?" "Sorry," the motorist replied. "I'm not a mechanic, I'm a chiropodist." "Well, can you give me a toe?" The TV game show was really close. One contestant was asked to name 2 of Santa's reindeer. The contestant gave a sigh thinking that he had finally been given an easy question, "Rudolph and Olive!" The host asked the contestant, "We'll accept Rudolph but can you explain Olive?" The man looked at the host and said, "You know, 'Olive,' the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names..." Santa Claus: What's that terrible racket outside? Mrs. Claus: It's rain deer. If you'd like to see more Christmas jokes just reload the page.

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant. "That's no offence", said the judge. " It is if you do it before the shop opened", countered the prisoner. What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?noel What happened to the man who shoplifted a calender at Christmas? 12 months Why is it always cold at Christmas? Because its decemberrrr It's so embarrassing, getting drunk on eggnog. What can you say to people? You're under the influence of cinnamon?

At the last Christmas party, the secretary with the long, red hair ate three pickles and four co-workers panicked!

I just bought a great gift for my boss. A leaky ant farm.

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.

There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.

The post office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile" they throw it underhand.

One Fifth Avenue jewelry store is offering a Christmas deal. They're selling a diamond pendant with matching earrings for $140,000. Giftwrapping is $4.50 extra.

I had a miserable Christmas. My mother-in-law came and she's such a comic. She gave us a set of towels marked, "Hers" and "Its."

Have you seen that new doll that wets and gets diaper rash? It prepares kids for what they'll want to be as adults: Celibate.

Ever wonder how many kids write Thank-you letters to Santa after Christmas?

Christmas used to come once a year. With installment payment, it now comes once-a-week.

Dasher: Hey, what's that reindeer doing with Santa's sled? Rudolph: He's just Vixen the broken engine.

One Christmas Eve a policeman found a man on the pavement who had been knocked over. "Did you get the car's registration number?" the policeman asked. "No," said the man, "but I'd recognize those reindeer anywhere."

Tina always put a great big arrow next to her house so that Santa wouldn't forget to visit. "But he always comes," said Tina's mom. "I know," said Tina." It works every time."

"Why is your house so cold?" "Because daddy doesn't know the difference between toothpaste and putty."

"What's that got to do with it?" "Well, all the window panes keep falling out."

I got a $5 for Christmas, but the cat ate it. Never mind, it's always good to keep something in the kitty.

Jimmy got a brand new bike for Christmas. He whizzed down a hill (showing off) yelling," Look, Tina, no hands!" As the bike picked up more speed, he yelled, "Look, Tina, no feet!" As he crashed into the back of a bus, he yelled, "Nooook, Ina, no teef!"

Funny Christmas Jingles or Poems (Here's a few I found in books or had sent to me.)

When Christmas comes already yet, Mit presents large and sweet. The tings I like in mein stockings best, By jiminiy, are my feet!

Last night I found my sweetheart Flo, Posed 'neath a spray of mistletoe. "How come," said I, "when Christmas Day Is still a good long week away?" "Ah, shucks," she said. "Don't make me blush--Shop early and avoid the rush!"

Artificial Christmas Tree I think that I shall never be, Sold on an artificial tree. A Christmas tree with plastic limbs Just doesn't stir me up to hymns; A tree with needles made of foil; That grew in factories, not soil; And, though it will not burst nor shed, Will neither be alive nor dead. Perennial, yes, it may be, And formed in perfect symmetry. But only God can make a tree To suit old-fashioned fools like me.

Christmas comes with snow and ice, With mistletoe and all that's nice; But, brother it also gives me chills To think it also comes with bills.

We three kings of Orient are. One in a taxi, One in a car. One on a scooter beeping his hooter, Following yonder star.

While shepherds washed their socks by night, All seated round the tub, A bar of Sunlight soap came down And they began to scrub.

Politically Correct Xmas Night 'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck... How to live in a world that's politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to "Elves". "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves. And labor conditions at the North Pole were alleged by the union to stifle the soul. Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. And equal employment had made it quite clear That Santa had better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid! The runners had been removed from his sleigh; The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. And people had started to call for the cops When they heard sled noises on their rooftops. Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.

His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened." And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, Demanding millions in over-due compensation. So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life, Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz, Demanding from now on her title was Ms. And as for the gifts, why, he'd never had a notion That making a choice could cause so much commotion. Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her. Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot. Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise. Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic. No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth. Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden. For they raised the hackles of those psychological Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological. No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt; Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt. Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe; And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away. So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed; He just could not figure out what to do next. He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, But you've got to be careful with that word today. His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;

Nothing fully acceptable was to be found. Something special was needed, a gift that he might Give to all without angering the left or the right. A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, Each group of people, every religion; Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone, everywhere...even you. So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth... May you and your loved ones, enjoy peace on Earth.

Xmas Consequences Twas the month after Christmas and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse. The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste. All the holiday parties had gone to my waist. When I got on the scales there arose such a number! When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber). I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared, The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please." As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt And prepared once again to do battle with dirt--I said to myself, as I only can "You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!" So--away with the last of the sour cream dip, Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip Every last bit of food that I like must be banished Till all the additional ounces have vanished. I won't have a cookie--not even a lick. I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick. I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry. I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore--But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot. Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

ill: What’s a good time for Santa to come down the chimney? Bill: What? Will: Anytime! Joke submitted by Keith G., Forestdale, Mass.

Will: Where do snowmen keep their money? Bill: Beats me. Will: In a snow bank. Joke submitted by Will M., Big Canoe, Ga.

Tim: Did you know Santa had only eight reindeer last Christmas? Jim: Huh? Tim: Comet stayed home to clean the sink. Joke submitted by Tim S., Merriam, Kan.

Chris: What do snowmen like to do on the weekend? Chrissy: What? Chris: Chill out. Joke submitted by Christopher H., Fair Oaks, Calif.

Comic by Scott Nickel

Josh: What does Jack Frost like best about school? John: What? Josh: Snow and tell. Joke submitted by Joshua S., Lafayette, Ind.

Zoey: What do you get if you cross an iPad with a Christmas tree? Johnny: I don’t know. What? Zoey: A pineapple! Joke submitted by Zoey Y., Flower Mound, Tex.

Moe: What are you going to give your little brother for Christmas this year? Joe: I haven’t decided yet. Moe: What did you give him last year? Joe: The measles. Joke submitted by Suzan L. W., Spring Hill, Fla.

Pedro: What has a jolly laugh, brings you presents and scratches up your furniture? Ordep: Beats me. What? Pedro: Santa Claws. Joke submitted by Will M., Big Canoe, Ga.

Comic by Scott Nickel

Teacher: Johnny, define claustrophobia. Johnny: Fear of Santa Claus? Joke submitted by Ronesha M., Allen, Tex.

Santa: Knock, knock. Elf: Who’s there? Santa: Olive. Elf: Olive, who? Santa: Olive the other reindeer. Joke submitted by Joe R., Saint Charles, Mo.

Luke: What do elves do after school? Jeffrey: I don’t know. What? Luke: Their gnome work! Joke submitted by Luke C., Somers, N.Y.

Joe: What nationality is Santa Claus? Moe: What? Joe: North Polish. Joke submitted by Joe B., Huntersville, N.C.

Amanda: What’s the difference between Santa’s reindeer and a knight? Robert: What? Amanda: One slays the dragon, and the other’s draggin’ the sleigh. Joke submitted by Amanda M., Springfield, Mo.

Comic by Scott Nickel

Darth Vader: I know what you’re getting for Christmas. Luke: How do you know? Darth Vader: I can feel your presents. Joke submitted by Mark R., Barrington, R.I.

When asked about his job, Frosty always replies, “There’s no business like snow business.” Joke submitted by Doug C., Gahanna, Ohio

Warped Wiseman wonders: “Does Santa Claus refer to his elves as ‘subordinate clauses’?”

Joke submitted by Dan H., Conshohocken, Pa.

Josh: Knock, knock! Samantha: Who’s there? Josh: Dexter. Samantha: Dexter, who? Josh: Dexter halls with boughs of holly. Joke submitted by Josh B., Dublin, Ohio

Trey: What do you get when you cross a snowman and a dog? Brandon: I give up. Trey: Frostbite. Joke submitted by Trey D., Ringgold, Ga.

Josh: Why was Santa’s little helper depressed? Mark: Dunno. Why? Josh: Because he had low elf esteem! Joke submitted by Dan H., Conshohocken, Pa.

A book never written: “What Did I Do Wrong THIS Year?” by Kole N. Stocking. Joke submitted by Kole N., Amherst, N.H.

William: What did one snowman say to the other snowman? David: What? William: Do you smell carrots? Joke submitted by William W., Shapleigh, Me.

One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said, “It’s going to rain.” His wife asked, “How do you know?” “Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.” Joke submitted by Jorgen R., Prunedale, Calif.

Pee Wee: What did the reindeer say to the football player? Westy: I don’t know. Pee Wee: “Your Blitzen days are over!” Joke submitted by Nhan P., Camp Hill, Pa.

Colton: How does a sheep say “Merry Christmas”? Tammi: How? Colton: “Fleece Navidad!” Joke submitted by Colton S., Kansas City, Kan.

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.

I told Santa you were good this year....and He hasn't stopped laughing since!

Entering Heaven Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates." The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and

finally pulled out a pair of women's glasses. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "They're Carol's."

You Better be Good Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent. Sarah's parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn't like it when children fight. This had little impact. "I'll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior," the mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah's eyes grew big as her mother asked "Mrs. Claus" (really Sarah's aunt; Santa's real line was busy) if she could put Santa on the line. Sarah's mouth dropped open as Mom described to Santa (Sarah's uncle) how the two-year-old was acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she reluctantly took the phone. Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things to be better from now on. Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of Santa's remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in her chuckles at being so clever) asked, "What did Santa say to you, dear?" In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly stated, "Santa said he won't be bringing toys to my sister this year."

A Christmas Gift A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

Signs of Christmas Everywhere Submitted by L Jon Toy Store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here." Bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas." Outside a church: "The original Christmas Club." At a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd." A Texas jewelry store: "Diamond tiaras -- $70,000. Three for $200,000. A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas." In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything... a calendar to remind him when payments are due."

A Sign of the Times As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

Santa Stats From http://www.JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com There are currently 78 people named S. Claus living in the U.S. -- and one Kriss Kringle. (You gotta wonder about that one kid's parents) December is the most popular month for nose jobs. Weight of Santa's sleigh loaded with one Beanie Baby for every kid on earth: 333,333 tons. Number of reindeer required to pull a 333,333-ton s sleigh: 214,206 -- plus Rudolph. Average wage of a mall Santa: $11 an hour. With real beard: $20. To deliver his gifts in one night, Santa would have to make 822.6 visits per second, sleighing at 3,000 times the speed of sound. At that speed, Santa and his reindeer would burst into flame instantaneously.

Do You Know Santa's True Profession??? Submitted by KSmith Consider the following: 1. You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants." 2. Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire. 3. Santa doesn't really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers to do all his work for him, but he's the one who everybody credits with the work. 4. Santa doesn't work anywhere near a 40 hour week. 5. Santa travels a lot. Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!

At Grandma's - Written by Tab Nettleton Submitted by Joke-Of-The-Day.com member Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..." His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

Christmas Fireman In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that

showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

The 12 Nights of Christmas; for the Scrooge in Thee Submitted by Ed Contreras & Liz Rodriguez Chorus: The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me Is ONE: Finding a Christmas tree. **** TWO ---The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me is my [Husband]: Rigging up the lights, Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

THREE -----The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: [Inebriated man]: Hangovers, 2: Rigging up the lights, Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

FOUR ----The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: [Frustrated man]: Sending Christmas cards, 3: Hangovers, 2: Rigging up the lights, Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree. FIVE ----The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: Sending Christmas cards, 3: Hangovers, 2: Rigging up the lights, Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

SIX --The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: [Frustrated wife]: Facing my in-laws, Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: Oh, I hate those Christmas cards, 3: Hangovers, 2: Rigging up these lights, Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree. **** SEVEN -----The seventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: [Angry man]: The Salvation Army, 6: Facing my in-laws, Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: Sending Christmas cards, 3: Oh, Jeez! 2: I'm trying to rig up these lights! Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

EIGHT ----The eighth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: [Loud kid]: I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS! 7: Charities 6: And what do you mean, "your in-laws"?!? Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: Oh, making out these cards, 3: Edith, get me a beer, huh? 2: What? We have no extension cords?!? Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree. **** NINE ---The ninth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: [Another frustrated man]: No parking spaces, 8: DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!! 7: Donations! 6: Facing my in-laws, Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: Writing out those Christmas cards, 3: Hangovers, 2: Now why the hell are they blinking?!? Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree. TEN ---The tenth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: [Toy-commercial voice]: "Batteries not included", 9: No parking spaces, 8: BUY ME SOMETHIN'!!!! 7: Get a job, ya bum!!! 6: (sobbing) Oh, facing my in-laws, Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: Yo, ho! Sending Christmas cards, 3: Oh, Jeez, look at this! 2: One light goes out, they ALL go out!!!

Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree. ELEVEN ------The eleventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: [TV Critic]: Stale TV specials, 10: "Batteries not included", 9: No parking spaces, 8: I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!! 7: Charities!! 6: (sobbing) She's a witch! I hate her! Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: Oh, I don't even KNOW half these people! 3: Oh, who's got the toilet paper? 2: Get a flashlight!! I blew a fuse!!! Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

TWELVE -----The twelfth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: [A few guys]: Singing Christmas Carols, 11: Stale TV specials, 10: "Batteries not included", 9: No parking? 8: WAAAAAAH!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! 7: Charities! 6: Gotta make 'em dinner! Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: I'm not sending them this year, that's it! 3: Shut up, you! 2: FINE!! If you're so smart, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!!!!! Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree. An Axe to Grind A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year. Each year, the boy asks and the father tells him, "I don't want to pay for it."

But the son kept begging. Unable to bear his son's whining, he picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house. Thirty minutes later he returns with a great big Christmas tree. "How did you cut it down so fast?" his son asks. "I didn't cut it down," the father replies. "I got it at a tree lot." "Then why did you bring an axe?" "Because I didn't want to pay."

To All Employees From Management Subject Office conduct during the Christmas season Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council). Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill) Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug." Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines. In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

r having a laugh, check out our collection of Christmas Games. For more holiday fun, visit our main Christmas page and learn about the history of Christmas. Find fun activities like Christmas videos, recipes, and Christmas coloring pages. Q: Name the child's favorite Christma king? A: A stocking. Q: Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? A: It doesn’t have legs. Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A: Frostbite. Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast? A: Snowflakes. Q: What do you get if you cross mistletoe and a duck? A: A Christmas Quacker. Q: What do call Santa when he stops moving? A: Santa Pause! Q: Where does a snowman keep his money? A: In a snow bank. Q: How do you scare a snowman? A: You get a hairdryer! Q: How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? A: Nothing, it was on the house! Q: What do you call a snowman in the summer? A: A puddle! Q: Why does Santa have three gardens? A: So he can go HOE HOE HOE. Q: What do you get when you deep fry Santa Claus? A: Crisp Kringle. Q: What's black and white and red all over? A: Santa covered with chimney soot. Q: Why is Santa so good at karate? A: Because he has a black belt! Q: What kind of bug hates Christmas? A: A humbug. Q: What do you get when you eat Christmas decorations? A: Tinsilitis! Q: What did the reindeer say when he saw an elf? A: Nothing, reindeer can't talk.

Q: What do you get if you cross an apple and a Christmas tree? A: Pineapple. Q: Which elf was the best singer? A: ELFis Presley. Q: How do you know when Santa's in the room? A: You can sense his presents. Q: What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked in the sky? A: "Looks like rain, dear." Q: Who gives presents to baby sharks? A: Santa Jaws. Q: What do elves learn in school? A: The elf-abet. Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? A: Because he wanted to sleep like a log! Q: What Christmas carol is a favourite of parents? A: Silent Night. Q: How do sheep say Merry Christmas in Mexico? A: Fleece Navidad! Q: Where do mistletoe go to become famous? A: "Holly" wood! Q: Why do Mummies like Christmas so much? A: Because of all the wrapping!