Chocolate Van Go Ch 2 Pt 1--the Fall

The Fall

Advisory Notes We are calling this season of Oskar’s decline ‘The Fall.’ This is the autumn in which Oskar ‘drops out’ of high school, yet it might be more fitting to say that Oskar ‘drops off’ the face of the earth and falls into a fantasy world of his own. In his letters we find him maligning education in one breath, and then presenting himself as a budding scholar in the next. We begin to see conflict in every aspect of Oskar’s life, with reality on one side and Oskar’s illusions on the other. In Oskar’s mind, his conquest of adulthood starts out with a great victory: he scores a free place to live. When Oskar takes a weekend trip up to his step-father’s ski condominium in Winter Park, Colorado, he declines to depart. Anthony has been invited by Charles’ to stay at his condominium for the winter, for Anthony has been hired as a junior executive at the nearby ski resort, and Oskar decides that he too deserves Charles’ accommodations. Knowing that his step-father will bend over backwards to keep up relations with the boy whom he once knew as his own son, Oskar tampers mercilessly with Charles’ heartstrings. Oskar asks for (demands) ‘fairness’ from Charles, and he winds up getting it. To Anthony’s surprise, and much to his chagrin, Oskar becomes his roommate for the winter. Anthony does his college best to press upon Oskar the facts of his ill-preparedness for adult life, and urges Oskar to go home and return to high school. Oskar reacts to Anthony’s persuasions by writing a poem that ridicules his concerns. Feeling compelled to prove himself as a great artist, Oskar then distributes this poem not just to Anthony, but to Fiona and Alfredo, and to his former guidance counselor as well! He presents the poem to them as the first piece in a prize-winning portfolio that he intends to generate over the coming months. Yet, beyond the poem’s sure antagonism of Anthony, it is difficult to discern why or how Oskar feels that this poem could vindicate anything about him. Soon, we arrive at the first MP3 transcript included in these materials. In this recording, we listen in on a Friday night rendezvous between Oskar and some of his former peers. By no means does Oskar distinguish himself in this conversation; he proves to be as juvenile and as delinquent as any of his mates. This is not somebody who is ready to ascend to a station above and beyond his peers. Of all the boys present, Oskar is the least mature. He is the one most given over to his fantasy life, as he

sits there at the table drawing pictures of his ‘vantasy’ like a ten year old boy. As the reader might well suspect, Oskar’s ‘vantasy’ soon begins colliding with some very real potholes on the road of life. First of all, despite all evidence to the contrary, Oskar refuses to believe that Fiona is not in love with him. As an ugly consequence of his stubbornness, Oskar writes letter after letter to Fiona, letters which either harass her outright or harass her insidiously in their attempts to captivate Fiona’s heart and mind. Oskar has lost his cool and become a problem for his former friend. Desperate to salvage his dreams, Oskar refuses again and again to give up his cherished illusions about Fiona’s feelings for him. Just when we think Oskar is finally over it, his longing for his dream of Fiona overcomes him again. One trait of Oskar’s which deserves critical attention is his confidence in himself as a good judge of character. Not only are Oskar’s characterizations of his family, friends, and coworkers full of bias and distortion, but so too are his characterizations of Vincent van Gogh. When Oskar receives a van Gogh print for his birthday, for instance, he nearly goes into anaphylactic shock. Oskar sees all kinds of horrors emanating from the painting, and attributes these visions to the true intent of van Gogh. Was van Gogh truly horrified at the historical moment he was encountering in Auvers, France? Quite to the contrary, all evidence indicates that van Gogh was delighted with the subject matter afforded by the town. What we are witnessing here is psychological projection: the horrors of this vision emanate from Oskar himself. Oskar is the person with a pathological aversion to modernity, Oskar is the one who is “not to be trusted,” Oskar is the one whose world is collapsing. Oskar’s reaction to this painting heralds the coming collapse of his entire fantasy structure. The day of reckoning is coming in which Oskar will find out that he is no true likeness of a great artist, a realization that will nearly lead him to end his life. Knowing Oskar’s propensity to project his tortured mind upon things, we can more easily understand the events which happen on the first day of Oskar’s job. Hired by the ski resort as a janitor, Oskar arrives at his jobsite expecting to soar through each day as a kind of “mountaintop meditation.” After being there for a couple of hours and encountering the actual people and place of his work, Oskar is overcome with psychosomatic nausea, and he

vomits into a urinal. Obviously, reality is not sitting very well with Oskar’s fantasy, and in a typical move Oskar faults his employer for upsetting his stomach. He zeros in on the company’s break policy, which he finds to be abominably unfair, but make no mistake about it: Oskar is going to find fault with something beyond his control, he is dead set on becoming a victim of injustice. In all its vainglory, this is the only way that Oskar can tolerate the life he is making for himself. Instead of eating his humble pie, Oskar casts himself as an underdog and prepares to do battle with the robber barrons of capitalism whom he imagines to be conspiring against his human rights. And so begins this series of unfortunate events in the Colorado Rockies, which Oskar would have us refer to as his “Sabbatical.” —A.B. & H.L.

September 2 Dear Fiona I’ve moved to Winter Park, now, at least temporarily, and I’ve got my van running great. Both headlights are working (most of the time) and the tail light is working all of the time. Vincent used to say it handles superbly in the snow, so let the snow fly! It already dusted the rooftops a couple of nights ago. Do you really think that I’m “intolerant of education?” Are you sure your Dad or some other father figure didn’t put that notion in your mind? I’m not running away from anything, and one day you’ll realize part of what I’m doing is like the X Games of education. I’m learning in an extreme environment, in the real world, and paying automotive liability insurance while I’m at it. Fiona please! Give me some creedence! Think of me as being extremely hungry. I’m not full of myself, I’m craving a slice of Life pie. And they don’t serve that in the high school cafeteria. I don’t want to prepare for the SATs. I want to prepare for the CIA and the IRS and the MIRVs and the CO2, and maybe the AAA, whatever: don’t you think it would be best if we all had a taste of the real world before we walked about calling ourselves “Graduates” of anything? Well, I’ve had one adult experience in my life. I was kissed by a woman, once. On my way out of town I stopped by that second hand bookstore near DU. I told the lady there that I’m a student and I need some of the Great Books. “A student of what?” she asked, and I said “Philosophy and Literature and Vincent van Gogh.” “Oh, are you a double major?” “I’m doing an independent study,” I said, “what can I get for twenty dollars?” I figured I should leave it up to her. She knows her stuff, right? So she got me a book about Dublin by J. Joyce, an Anthology of Romantic Poetry, A Nietzche Reader, a volume of ‘mens poems,’ a Bible, a Shakespere, some other plays, and Classics of Ancient Greece, plus she threw in a book of tattered van Gogh paintings for free! So now I’ve got a little library going, which also includes my Calvin and Hobbes books and my The Letters of Vincent van Gogh, along with our Etymology Dictionary (if you want to use it let me know, or come up here and get it).

Hopefully Charles will let me stay at his condo for the winter (Charles will do it, don’t you think? He’s already letting Anthony stay here). If he says ‘no’ then I’ll be working two jobs, just to pay my rent somewhere. But my whole purpose for being up here is to study Life, and Charles understands that! How could Life get a word in edgewise were I forced to work all the time? Charles will let me stay. If Anthony throws a major fit over it, well….Charles is way too fair to let Anthony live in his condo and then to exclude me. I guess it comes across that I’m hurt that you’ve avoided me so much, but I don’t think that we can be ‘just friends.’ Is that what you want? A regression? Our phone conversation didn’t clear anything up for me, except there’s something in your voice that sounds like you missing me. I poured you a little chocolate heart this evening, enclosed herein. I added a hint of peppermint and a pinch of almond paste to a 76% Venezuelan cacao. The sprinkles on top are raspberry Halvah. Love, Osk

September 4 apostate: one who renunciates a faith, from Greek apostates defector, deserter, rebel. Dear Fredo: Anthony sat down with me this morning. He was like “we need to have a serious discussion about your idea that you could stay up here all winter.” And I was like “Cool.” He’s annoyed that I want to live up here with him, but his way of saying that to me has been to hardly say anything to me at all, and give me dirty looks. “What are you doing with your life?” he said. “You do have a plan, don’t you?” As if I didn’t. Okay…so I started telling him and he actually listened in a fairly respectful manner. Whoa! I mean, he is such a scoffer, but he was giving me a hearing, so I struck while the iron was hot to get some dialogue going, and act like brothers to one another. So I told him this… “As an independednt study I’m going to cover the same subjects I would in school—science, literature, history, art— I’m going to get deep into my subjects, just as if I were studying for college credit, I’m going to compile a portfolio of essays, poetry and artwork of the highest caliber, as for PE I’ll study downhill skiing, and to do this I’ll get a job at the ski area that comes with Ski Pass, I will do a study of the letters of Vincent van Gogh, which could jump start me into the study of art history in college, and I will either go back next year for my senior year of high school or I’ll just get my GED and go straight to college—and for a hobby I’ll customize my van and turn it into a camper….” During my shpiel, I gave Anthony plenty of chances to interject, but he just nodded his head all the way through, staying quiet at the end, just nodding his head and looking at me more and more dubiously, kind of chewing me over in his mind and warping his eyebrows up and down. Basically, he was getting ready to be a total ass to me. A whole minute passed.

“So what do you think?” I asked him, and Anthony pulled a document out of his briefcase and laid it in front of me: CERTIFICATE OF DENTAL INSURANCE. “Do you know what this is?” Anthony asked. “A Certificate of Dental Insurance?” “That’s right.” He was like slapping me in the face with it. “Do you know how long and hard I’ve worked to get to a point in life where I can support myself, where I can insure myself and afford to pay for the basic services which will keep me alive and healthy?” “But you always hated going to the dentist anyway,” I said, which is true. “Well I’ve grown up a bit Oskar! And there is something I hate even more than going to the dentist, and that is not being able to afford going to the dentist! I’m trying to look out for you here, and what I’ve got to say is that all of your highmindedness and dreams won’t amount to squat if at the end of the day you’re still begging for a free place to stay and for your Mommy to take you to the doctor when you get sick!” “She’s your mother too Anthony. And if you think I’m planning on relying on her for the rest of my life, then you haven’t heard a word I just said, because what I just said proves that I’m at the beginning of having a great life! So if you don’t believe me, doesn’t that mean that you are prejudiced?” “Oskar: you’ve turned into a high school dropout! You’ve got big ideas and a tiny bit going for you! Since you started staying here all I’ve seen you do is ride your bike and eat peanut butter sandwiches!” “And salad!” Dude, I am such a bad debater, but that is what I said. Then I was like “well nobody believed in Vincent van Gogh either! For that matter nobody believed in Jesus Christ!” “So now you’re comparing yourself to Our Lord?” “I’m comparing myself to myself, I’m sizing myself up and what I say I can do I can do! I don’t see a dropout when I look in the mirror, Anthony. So why do you have to? Look at me, what do you see?” “A dropout. A dilettante. An arrogant ignorant apostate.”

He paused, waiting for me to ask him what an apostate is, so that he could prove rub my nose in it. But I said nothing, and he went on… “Maybe you’ll prove me wrong. The easiest way for you to do that would be to get out of here and go back to school. It’s not too late, you could be in class tomorrow.” He snatched up the dental certificate and grabbed his briefcase. “Now I’ve got to go to work. I’m giving you some food for thought Oskar. I’m not just being a dick to you, do you understand that? Here!” He slapped a twenty dollar bill on the counter. “Buy yourself some gas and drive yourself back home! Please! Do it for Mom if not for me! Just go back and graduate from high school!” “Can’t you lighten up Anthony? You don’t have to worry about my dental plan! I’ll be fine!” “You’re hoping you’ll be fine,” he said, and walked out the door. Dude: I’m going to win Anthony over. This is plain silly. We’ve got one life to live and this has got to stop. What I’m going to do is prove it to him, since he wants proof. I’m writing you from the town library, where I plan to be camping out for a while. I’m going to bone up on a bit of history, and I’m going to write something, some kind of essay or poem that shows that I’m taking Life seriously, I’m taking it so seriously that he and other people don’t have to worry about me, so they won’t have to take things so seriously with me. I’m sick of this dreadful seriousness. Mr. Lyron has it too! Some of these serious people are seriously mistaken about me and about how serious life is. I suspect that they take life so seriously because they are seriously missing the point of life. And that is what I’m planning not to do! So this misunderstanding, this lack of faith in me, is an opportunity for me to prove my faithfulness to my cause and to my education! I’m glad that Anthony has challenged me to prove myself. I’d like to show some encouraging preliminary results to my Mom and Dad, to Charles, to Fiona, even to Mr. Lyron, and yes to you! So expect something from me soon. Some kind of poem or essay, a work of art. Coming to you in the mail. A masterpiece. Take it right and take it easy, Fredo: Osk PS: Whenever I’m not at the library, this week, I’ll be out looking for a job. There’s only three bike shops in town, so I won’t have to

look too far. By the end of this week, with a little luck, I’ll be a producing artist with a day job. And maybe you’ll be wondering to yourself ‘What am I, Alfredo Abbruzzessee, still doing in high school?’ You could always move up here in mid-October, that is when the ski area hires for the season, and you’d easily get a job.

September 8 Dear Fredo: Here it is, dude. What I ended up deciding on is a philosophical poem, based upon the theme that Anthony tried to kill me with in our discussion. Hard work is bearing fruit. I’ve got a job at a bike shop. Got to go. I’ve got lots of writing and reading left to do today. My semester is underway. Osk

September 8: Dear Mr Lyron: It troubles me to think that you think that I’ve dropped out of high school and education all together. In this regard, I’d respectfully like you to know that I am studying very hard, I’m taking a sort of Sabbatical up here in Winter Park, where I have time to find out for myself what really interests me, educationally, and where I can also contemplate nature in vast surroundings. You could say that I got a taste of the Rockies in WELL, and now I’ve returned to the mountains for an extended period of study and reflection. Enclosed you will find “Trogloditty,” a lighthearted but, I think you’ll agree, penetrating piece of work which I intend to be a first of many poems and essays which I’ll be composing this year. I may not ever be back to Hilltop, because it is quite possible that I will get my GED by the end of January, in time for me to apply to college for next year. I know that we never agreed about anything, but I’d like to think that we are on the same side, wanting a special education for every student, including myself. Oskar Quentin

September 8 Dear Fiona: Hey: I got a job! A bike shop’s hired me to clean their rental bikes for winter storage. They called Earl and he told them I “do good work with a rag.” What a reference! How’d you like that chocolate? Scholastically, I’m hard at work too, getting into the books I’ve got, and also getting to work at my writing. I was looking on the web and found out about the Yale Prize for Younger Poets. What if I won that before I applied for college? I have my work cut out for me, but let me just say that I believe it will bear fruit. Instead of chocolate, today I’m sending you the first piece to come out of my artists studio up here: “Trogloditty.” I’m using a sense of history to craft a lens for viewing the present in a profound and playful way. And like a piece of dark chocolate, I try to make my work bitterly sweet. Enjoy! Oskar

Trogloditty: A Gnawing Doubt troglodyte n. from Greek troglodytes cave dweller; literally one who creeps into holes. One Molar, Two Molar; Two Molar…Three? Slowly and steadily creeps the Lizard Cavity. How often I forget the toothbrush in my hands: I simply brush on cruise control while my mind veers off to far flung regions And not-so-happy distant lands. With renewed determination now I vow to String my floss and guide my brush, May an honest ritual keep me clean! May I remember not to rush! That humankind could have born itself so greatly For so long before the invention of this stuff Methinks a gaping mystery. How painful life must have been To live with teeth uncleaned! So I feel beckoned now to peer deeper into The Mouth of human history. In the Beginning, the Domestication of Fire Must have brought untold delights. Oh! to cook their food and warm their cave Throughout the dreadful nights! Yet their tooth enamel was corroding By the age of ten. How many then spent the second half Of their short lives Chanting pagan holy spells To boo away those corrosive demons Who could turn a meal into a living hell? Brown, crumbling teeth—a short while left to chew— Growing life remains bound tight, It does what it can do. The Advent of Agriculture also blessed Us humans with a gift Divine,

Whereby we could settle and cultivate Without hunting animals all the time. We toasted the bounty of the earth, We learned the lessons of the vine. Nourished were those who spoke the truth, And nourished were those who lied. Our crops strengthened people to gird their faiths, And gave others strength to apostatize, Yet did any creed ever sit down to supper Without tasting of their mouth’s demise? Brown, worn down teeth—a trial with one’s food— Expansive life remains bound tight, It chaws what it can chew. Yet now the dawn of Modern Hygiene Offers sweet Promise to the wise: By brushing twice a day one can save that winning shine! And isn’t this a Renaissance? A scientific victory? How witty and wonderful we can be when we ourselves are found Free from oral decay, with less moaning all around. And yet, in the ancient times, how their concentration blazed! The upright dolmens, the honed arrowheads, the perfect pyramids All betoken an unfaltering hand, Steady, secure, and not awry…. Am I not reaching every side? And what would you see were I to open wide? The evening’s dread still lingers near: Could my waving toothbrush ever make it disappear? More primative than primitive, My point gets chipped askew, And yesterday’s narrow workmanship Laughs hardly at the new. If I don’t mind my mouth better This smile may soon proceed to frown, I fear one day to find myself Carelessly tracked down, And that heinous Dentosaurist Will come clawing at my crown!

Oskar Quentin, September 8 -Winter Park, Colorado

September 12

“The keenest sorrow is to recognize ourselves as the sole source of all our adversities.” --Sophocles

Dear Oskar: School is in session. Wow!:) I’m taking enough Advanced Placement courses to start college with sophomore standing next year: I have A.P. US History, A.P. English (with Mr. Kallihar), A.P. Chemistry (with your Father), et la A.P. Français! Plus Watersports and Young Journalists Seminar (no college credit). I sometimes think of you in Watersports class because I hope I don’t swim half as crazy as you out there in the deep end You do make pretty good chocolate, I admit. To tell you the truth, your chocolate is much better than your poetry. I could be wrong, but it seems to me that dropping out of high school to write Trogloditties is not how most people win Yale’s prizes. Everybody wants to be in their element, Oskar, and I wonder if you just haven’t found yours yet. For every deprecating word you speak about school, do you really know all that much about it? Have you tried Wood Shop or Small Engine Repair, or Photography? Have you tried to experience school? Half the stuff you say makes no sense, your words are so chaotic sometimes that I think it would be best for you to express yourself without them: think about Photography, maybe that is your element. Education is the fountain of Life, so try drinking without running your mouth against it. Yesterday I was elected Editor-in-Chief for the paper. I’m so honored! I will be attending several Young Journalists Conferences, including the National Convention in Washington, DC! I’ve chosen Avery as Managing Editor. Together, Avery and I will keep such an even keel at the paper: he is the perfect partner for me. We dot each others ‘i’s and cross each others ‘t’s, and our life is full of light and lots of Scrabble: its what I always imagined a high school romance should be. I hate to burst your bubble, Oskar, but I am going out with Avery, and I was pretty clear about that on the phone with you.

School is doing fine without you. How are you doing without school? If you want the system to change you have to work with the system, not run away from it. Has it occurred to you that your attitude is not always outstanding? You could have chosen to be more active as a student-citizen. Being sexually active wouldn’t have helped you or I at all. I now fully realize that I am proud of my actions. To you it may have been an “about face,” but what’s wrong with that? That is what to do before you walk off a cliff with somebody. Don’t get me wrong, Oskar. I like your Trogloditty. Its pale and long winded and awkward, but in a very cute kind of way. It reminds me of something my 6 year old nephew might like. He’s really into cavemen and dinosaurs, too. I’ve got to get going, Father is calling me downstairs for dinner! You and I are both so busy: we might not get to talk again for a while! Goodbye and Good Choices! Fiona

September 13 Oskar: Dude, your poem is righteous! It’s hilarious! But were you just trying to get Anthony’s goat with it? How did Anthony respond? If he blew his top, don’t come to me acting all surprised. You’re going places, man. Just don’t quit your day job yet. Fredo

[September 14—MP3 Transcript] OSKAR: This is Oskar Quentin on the fourteenth of September, speaking into my RD-380 dynamic MP-3 voice recorder. I’m here at Littleton, Colorado’s Griddle Inn to document a Friday night in the life of my fellow teen spirits. I can see them out the window, gathering at the front door. There’s Alfredo, George, and Frank. Fredo, Geo, and Franz. This will be a covert recording, for candid historical purposes. Here they come. FREDO: Hey stud! Where’s your date? OSK: Fiona’s not coming. I called from three separate payphones, but her dad intercepted every one of them. FREDO: Did you talk to her at all? OSK: Nope. GEO: She’s in pretty tight with Blithe, man. They’re probably together at school right now, making out next week’s edition of the paper. FRANZ: Yeah man, if you’re so in love then you’re lucky you dropped out, because it’d rip your heart open. They are big into hand holding, Quentin. OSK: I haven’t dropped out. I’m taking a year off. FREDO: That’s right. OSK: Have you guys been out on the road? Face macing? GEO: I was driving. We had a gas, man! FREDO: We had some happy hunting tonight, eh sports? FRANZ: And we only got almost killed once! OSK: Where did you go? GEO: Down past the clubs on Colorado Boulevard. We killed at least nine people’s faith in their fellow motorists! FRANZ: So what are all these papers, Osk? Are you still pretending to be in school? OSK: Pretending? That’s all you’ve ever done, Frank. But you never even pretended to be in love with Amy Schwartz, did you? FRANZ: Well I wasn’t pretending when I fed her my jumbo beef hot dog. Maybe I should draw it for you and you’ll understand what I mean. Gimme that paper and pencil! GEO: “Custom Camper Van?” Cool, man. Campers are way cool! OSK: That’s right, I’m drawing plans to customize my van. FRANZ: Gee. What pretty pictures. OSK: Oh thanks, Frank. So was it your first time tonight?

FRANZ: Face macing? FREDO: Yes—Franz was our face macing virgin tonight, he was superb. FRANZ: Virgin? OSK: Oh, it’s nothing to be ashamed of, Franz! FRANZ: Yeah? Well, if anybody’s a virgin at this table its the three of you!

FREDO: It’s the two of them! GEO: Uh huh: two virgins and two major Cassanovas. How’d we all end up around the same table together? FREDO: What’s this stuff, Osk? On the roof of the van? OSK: That’s the hot water tank. It’s wired into the van’s battery. GEO: Nice! OSK: And next to it is the mounting bracket for a propane cylinder, to run the stove. FRANZ: What do you need a hot water tank for? OSK: For taking showers, and doing dishes. FREDO: A shower? OSK: Yep. You just swing the back doors open, string a curtain across, and you’ve got a private shower on the tailgate! FRANZ: And where is the cuckoo clock? OSK: In your butt, I suppose. FREDO: You’ve made yourself a lovemobile, Osk! The babes will go crazy for a man with a hot shower on his tailgate! OSK: You know it! GEO: So anyways, Osk, you got to hear this: we just reamed this guy! Fredo totally zinged him with a new pisser. OSK: A new pisser? FREDO: Well first I tried it out on this silver Saab, and then we pulled up…where were we? GEO: We pulled up to red light at Fourteenth, Osk, in the left turn lane. Then, this like steel mill guy pulls up on our right. FRANZ: Yeah! In a big four by four with roll bars and lots of chrome, really loud. He’d pimped out his muffler. FREDO: Making all of this freakin’ noise, and he had this beautiful long-haired brunette riding next to him in the cab. They were like straight out of Texas. So I leaned out my window and goggledy-eyed his truck... GEO: He was chewing his chaw up there and revving his engine... FRANZ: And he had a gun racked in his back window: I was like, ‘oh God!’ GEO: Franz was like “just be quiet guys!” You’re such a virgin, Franz! FRANZ: Oh hurt me Geo! FREDO: So I’m leaning out my window, and I shout over to him “Hey man! I like your truck!” “I like it too!” he shouts back at me, and he’s smiling with his lady friend. “What’s she got in her? Is that a V-8?” I ask and he says “No—just a big V-6!”

GEO: Dudes, this was pro! That is when the cross light turned yellow, and I called “Go!” and Fredo screamed out at the top of his lungs: “Is that your face or did your neck throw up?” [Burst of laughter from the boys.]

FRANZ: Right! “Is that your face or did your neck throw up?” and then Geo leans across and screams out “What a wimpy little dick mobile!” And the guy’s face turns black as rain! [More laughter.] OSK Did you say anything Franz? FRANZ: Dudes, he was so mad. I was like “Is that your tailpipe do you just have an ass problem?” and I swear he was reaching for his gun! FREDO: No! He was getting out of his truck! GEO: He was coming to wring our necks, Osk, but our arrow turned green and I floored a left turn and left him lurching into a cloud of diesel fumes! FREDO: We really hurt his fooled feelings, Osk! [More laughter.] OSK: I wish I’d been there! FRANZ: No! That was too close! We’re never doing that again, at least I’m not! FREDO: I figure we’ll either get killed or we’ll grow out of it first, eh Geo? GEO: Eh. Its all a matter of timing. OSK: A toast, boys: to Geo’s Diesel Rabbit! FRANZ: But we don’t have any drinks yet! FREDO: With empty mugs! Here’s to Geo’s face macing machine! ALL: To face macing! FREDO: So you’ve been sitting around, swilling coffee and drawing your pictures? OSK: Basically. GEO: One question, Osk. Half of these drawings show a table and stove in the back of your van, while the others show a bed back there. Which one is right? FREDO: Actually, Geo, the stove is just a symbol for the cooking Oskar’s going to do in that bed! GEO: Oh go cut it in half, Fredo! I’m serious. Are you going to switch from trip to trip—sometimes with a bed, sometimes with a little kitchen in the back? OSK: No no. Actually, I’m going to have them both all the time. See? The mattress folds up to stow along the passenger’s side wall. Then, you have these mounting brackets on the floor for the table and stove! FRANZ: Wow boys! Oskar’s laid a golden egg tonight! FREDO: It looks great! And be sure to have it ready by next spring, Osk.

OSK: Why? FREDO: So I can borrow it for Senior Prom! It’ll be my rolling room of romance! FRANZ: Holy fricking crap, man! I wouldn’t get caught dead with a date in Oskar’s rust-bucket! GEO: Try thinking above your waist, once in a while, Fredo. FREDO: Actually, Geo, what I’m thinking of will definitely be rising above my waist when we hop into Oskar’s lovemobile! FRANZ: What’s the fuss, Geo? It’s not like Oskar’s ever going to hatch this plan! OSK: Why’s that? FRANZ: Is your dashboard fixed yet? Have you or your dad ever managed to fix that thing up with more than just duct tape? OSK: What’s the dashboard got to do with it? FRANZ: Not a thing. GEO: But hold on, Osk. I mean, have you thought about the potential of this van? Man—you could live in it. Travel the country. Be on the road! FRANZ: Oh yeah, right! Living in your van? Like some hermit crab in his shell—except that it’s filling up with cheese wrappers and magazines all the time! GEO: You’d have no bills to pay! FRANZ: And no toilet to flush and no tv, no mailbox too!! OSK: I could get by without that stuff! FREDO: Come on, Osk, if you did it right, you’d be hitting home runs with this van! FRANZ: I’d like to see that! FREDO: Sure you would. By next year even! You’ll be in college, won’t you? OSK: Maybe, if I get my GED. FREDO: And you’re going to have a girlfriend, right? OSK: Right. FREDO: Yes! You’ll be irresistible! Just think about it: on Friday evenings, you could drive her out to some romantic spot to watch the sunset, and you’ll have a stereo? OSK: Yeah—surround sound. FREDO: And you’ll retire to the back of the van, steam her up a latte on the stove, read her some poetry…. OSK: Yeah! I’ll have to install a reading light back there! Fiona would love that! FRANZ: And a bunch of baloney! FREDO: No! And a bunch of massage tools!

FRANZ: Yes! And a crate full of vibrators and jars of chocolate syrup! OSK: Hey hey hey! GEO: For Pete’s sake! Osk isn’t building a porn-machine! Are you Osk? FRANZ: No no no—he’s installing a porn closet in his rust-mobile. OSK: I’m making a camper van. A premium camper van. FRANZ: What do you want, Geo? You want Oskar to install some bookshelves and a meditation cushion back there, so he can have a mobile monk cell? GEO: It would be Oskar’s transcendental van. He’d spend his summers traveling from ashram to ashram, seeking enlightenment. FRANZ: Yeah, with your mother! GEO: Frankly—would you shut your blowhole?

FRANZ: So I can listen to more frap? I doubt your rustbucket will make it to college in the first place—without a tow-truck’s assistance—or that you’ll make it to college yourself at this rate! OSK: Under the hood its in great condition. And it only has about sixty thousand miles on it! FRANZ: I thought the Ice Cream Man broke your odometer like twenty years ago! OSK: My dad kept track of the miles since then! FRANZ: I thought that the Ice Cream Man was your dad! Ha Ha! OSK: Shut your face, Frank! Or did your neck throw up? FREDO: Guys! Franz! Calm down and shut up a little. We’re just talking, loosen up, okay? FRANZ: But with Oskar’s love life, there’s nothing to talk about! OSK: Oh yeah, Franz. Like you’ve got a lot to talk about! So you can get Amy Schultz naked. That doesn’t make you a Don Juan! FRANZ: Right. It just means that I have a real sex life and you have an imaginary one. GEO: Well how many real sex lives are as good as imaginary ones? FRANZ: Imaginary sex lives aren’t much good at all. GEO: No no. Imaginary sex lives are what people live for! Because most people’s actual sex lives are pathetic. FRANZ: You’re speaking from experience, I’m sure. GEO: Read it in the papers. Check out the Hollywood stars. Things start out great, and their hot new romance makes the cover of People magazine, and then everything turns to crap, they can’t keep their relationship together and they end up raked over the coals by the National Enquirer for weeks on end, an embarrassment to themselves and to the entire human race. That’s a real sex life for you. FRANZ: You got to be in to win. OSK: Oh yeah. Love’s a game of poker. FRANZ: Poke her. Poke her. FREDO: You got to use good judgment. A good lover uses good judgment! See Geo, this is your problem. You think anybody who is having sex before marriage is using bad judgment and is therefore automatically a big idiot. GEO: We’re talking about possibly having a child!

FREDO: Yeah man, of course. But you’re scared because of what happened to your brother. Think about it though. He was an idiot! He didn’t use a condom! GEO: He shouldn’t have been screwing around with that woman in the first place, condom or no condom. He got deep into a relationship with somebody he hardly knew. Now they’re stuck with a baby, and they don’t like each other. FREDO: So all sex before marriage is bad. GEO: Read it in the tabloids, Fredo. All of these people who go around screwing each other like Greek gods make complete and utter asses out of themselves. They think they know what they want, they think they know the other person, but they don’t! Marriage comes from commitment and leads to dignity. FREDO: And by having sex only within wedlock, we rid our lives of idiocy. GEO: Pretty much yes. FRANZ: I smell baloney. Oskar, did you order a baloney sandwich? OSK: No. Its your hot dog that’s burning. FRANZ: Well my hot dog is not in the freezer like Geo’s. You’re scared Geo! I think couples should be required to have sex before marriage, with each other and with other people, so that they’ll have some comparison and they’ll know that they really want to sleep with their spouse every night for half of eternity. Getting married as a virgin is the least dignified thing a person could possibly do. Check out these knockers. [pause] WAITRESS: What can I get for you boys? FREDO: Coffee. GEO: Coffee. FRANZ: Coffee. OSK: Hot chocolate, please. WAITRESS: Okay, honey. Will that be all? FREDO: Bring us the bill, too. I’ve got to go in a few minutes. [pause] GEO: Hot chocolate? What kind of girlie man orders hot chocolate? OSK: Fiona and I used to drink hot chocolate here. FREDO: Forget about her man! Mam? Mam! He’ll have coffee instead! OSK: Gee thanks, Fredo.

FRANZ: Move your mugs down guys! Scoot’em this way. When she leans over to pour I’m going to have a view straight down her blouse. GEO: What the hell? Don’t do it Oskar! What’s your guys’ deal? OSK: I’m helping Franz make an ass out of himself. FREDO: You were looking at her knockers, too, Geo! OSK: Franz is primping! Franz is primping! FRANZ: Just keep your cool, guys. GEO: This is called voyeurism. FRANZ: Its called enjoying the scenery. WAITRESS: Coffee. [sounds of pouring coffee] FRANZ: Is this regular? WAITRESS: Yes. I just brewed it five minutes ago. FRANZ: So its fresh! Wonderful, I love fresh coffee. WAITRESS: Enjoy.

FRANZ: We will! [pause] FREDO: How was the scenery? FRANZ: Oh my God! The hills! She winked at me! OSK: She did not. GEO: Well let it go to your head, why don’t you? She must be crazy about you. FREDO: She thinks you’re cute. Nice primping. FRANZ: Should I ask for her number? OSK: Get out of here dude! She’s like twenty seven years old or something! FREDO: Maybe she’s looking for a young stud like Franz. Ask for her number man! GEO: Don’t you dare! Would you seriously harass her like that? FRANZ: What’s a woman’s prime number, man—twenty nine years old? And when does a man hit his sexual prime? Nineteen. Think about it. Sexually speaking, she and I are both heading for our prime, right on target! She needs me. FREDO: Yeah, think about it. I feel sorry for her. All the men her age are past their prime. They’ll have an orgasm or two, then fall asleep on her. Our waitress is ready to make love for days at a time! FRANZ: She needs me. GEO: She needs you like she needs a hole in her head. FRANZ: She’s already got one of those. Its called her mouth! FREDO: It would only be charitable for Franz to offer her his company. It would be the chivalrous thing to do! OSK: Ask her for her number, Franz. Go ahead, make my day. GEO: Oh boy, sex with strangers. Here we go. You guys are so screwed up. FRANZ: Now hold on, Geo. Who says that we’re not going to get to know each other first? We’ll go to movies together, we’ll cook dinner together. I’ll even meet her parents! OSK: Mom, Dad, meet Frank, he’s my boyfriend who is still in high school. FRANZ: We’re not looking for her parents’ approval. GEO: Then you are both fools! OSK: Why? GEO: You’re living a life of non-commitment, which just leads to pain. FRANZ: But we’ve got birth control! We’re not having a child and we don’t want to get married!

GEO: But you’re not relating to her as a person. You’re just treating her as a sex symbol and you’re not even getting to know who it is you’re intimate with! It’s like the opposite of intimacy! FREDO: So you think that if she and Franz date each other for a long time without having sex, then somehow they will know each other better that way? GEO: It’s a better way of getting to know each other. FREDO: Here’s the deal. You’ve got to trust your instincts. It doesn’t take weeks and years to know if you’re compatible. Hell, Oskar and I were best friends within five minutes of talking to each other, right Osk? OSK: I’d say so. FREDO: So it’s the same thing with a babe. You may not know if you’re going to get married or whatever, but you can tell if you go well together. In your gut. So here’s what I think: when you meet somebody and really talk to them, you’ll know whether you should get closer to them or not within five minutes. We’ve got enough gut instincts to do that. To me, what most people’s problem is is that they ignore their instincts! Something inside tells them ‘this is a mistake,’ but they do it anyhow. They screw up and they screw the wrong person. That’s what happened to your brother, Geo. If he and his wife aren’t compatible now, I’m sure they knew so within the first five minutes of meeting each other! GEO: If everybody followed their sexual instincts, this world would be a sorry place! FREDO: Instincts aren’t just sexual. FRANZ: Well, just think about how long human beings have been walking around on the earth without real contraception—like twenty million years or something! That’s where this fear of sex came from. It is a fear of VD and unwanted babies! GEO: So there’s nothing wrong with having sex with a stranger, as long as you use a condom? FRANZ: Well, that could be a mistake, but what I’m saying is that abstinence is a primitive form of prevention over which modern prophylactics have prevailed! FREDO: Perfect. GEO: So you can just go right to it and forget about settling for something else, like cooking her a meal, or taking her out iceskating....

FRANZ: Suit your pleasures, I’ve got no problem with that! But there’s nothing inherently wrong with pleasure, in your opinion? GEO: Sex is something sacred. Its not a toy. FREDO: And if sex is really sacred, Geo, then there is no way to dictate when a couple is ready. Getting married won’t make them any more ready than they were before. FRANZ: For the most part, sex is just a part of people’s daily pursuit of happiness. OSK: So sex is not sacred to you? FRANZ: Honestly, Oskar—most of the time its not sacred for me, and it probably won’t be to you, and I severely doubt that it was for your mother and the Ice Cream Man! OSK: Frankly, would you shut up? FREDO: Osk Osk Osk! Quiet. Frank: stop being an ass! GEO: Just consider where you’re going with this camper idea, Osk. FRANZ: And see if you can keep it out of the junkyard. FREDO: Boys! My curfew is at hand. But remember, we’re not talking about the mob’s problems. We’re talking about what sex means to very refined persons such as ourselves. Let’s have a toast! GEO: A toast? FREDO: Let us behave with dignity and good taste when enjoying the delights of female companionship! OTHERS: Here here! FREDO: Grab up your drawings, Osk, lets get out of here. FRANZ: You wimp! You’re spending the night at Fredo’s? OSK: Actually I have a date with your mother later tonight, Franz. FRANZ: Go sleep in your van! Or go sleep with your van why don’t you? She’s so sexy Oskar! She wants you! OSK: You like her? Here, take a drawing of her home with you. Keep it in your porn closet.