Barb Craver Memory Book

“Take your inventory!” A memory book in celebration and remembrance of the life of Barbara Ann Craver. 1933-2009

REMEMBERING BARB, BARBIE, BARBARA

I've been thinking about Barbara and Mike and you and Doug and all of us, trying to adjust to the news about Barb's death. My heart goes out to you, Cheryl, because I know what a void it creates. I'm only glad that your family is as close as it is; I hope it serves as a reminder of Barbara's love and a tribute to her memory. I also want to sift though my memory of Barb because this is what I have. I wish there were some way to make my memory tangible, to keep her lovely presence with me. That distinctive quality in her voice and her laugh --- that almost oboe-like birdsong, both dear and knowing, and those squinting, sparkling eyes, the matching, tiny, rhythmic quaver of her pretty head. Barb and Mike arrived in my life as folklore because Sam and Mary Jane met them on their honeymoon, so they actually came with a story. Our parents had simply hit it off in a golden moment. Everything else was somehow a reflection of that. My earliest memory of her is captured in the home movie that Mike took that shows our families vacationing on the Lake Erie shore, the vacation when you and I buried dead fish. That same movie shows Barb making an entrance to deliver lemonade to the backyard patio in Berea, and of course she dances in and dances off. She wears smart outfits. She has a presentational style, but also a down-to-earthness. She and Mike were always funny together. When she brought an elaborate dessert to the table, Mike chimed in with always perfect timing, "Barbie, did you wash your hands after you changed the tire?" I remember a photo of Barb and Cary Grant, from Barb's glamorous career (wasn't she a fashion director for Halle's?) and the story of the birthday party that Barb's mother threw for her which my mother used as an example to explain to me what a 5-course dinner was. I remember her coming down to the basement in Hudson see the Bachtell kids --- we watched TV as our parents threw a party upstairs --- and then going back upstairs to deliver a well-timed remark to my mother: "MJ, do you realize your daughter's watching 'Back Street' downstairs?" Laughter. Always the laughter. And Mike taking up breadmaking. Our family staying with your family in 1972 when we returned from our sojourn in New Mexico as the tail of Hurricane Agnes dumped rain on your house for days. Sensing another subtext to the laughter. Watching Barb confront her addiction. When did it all boil over? There was so much change so quickly. You, your parents, your grandmother, taking turns shouldering the burden. When we visited a year or two later, Barb was already pioneering as a drug intervention counselor. I wanted to hear Barb's laughter again then, but it wasn't quite time yet. She was still working through her own painful experience. She made us understand what had lain behind the cheerful veneer. She found meaning in her work. I didn't learn until much later that she was a minister's daughter, yet it all seems of a piece. As we all headed off to college, our families had less opportunity to be together, and it seems as though the next time was at my mom's memorial in 1983. It felt so good to see Barb and Mike. Barb was touched by the service, and yet she allowed that she feared she wouldn't be remembered when her time came. That made an impression on me --- I understood it as an elemental human fear. I felt the same way. Both you and Barb and Mike visited me after I moved to Chicago --- how many other family friends did that? I was so touched when Barb and Mike looked me up on one of their trips to Fitzgerald's. The happiness and laughter was back, well-earned. She was so happy for you and Doug and Adrienne and David. I was struck then, and I continue to be, at the closeness and warmth your family found at the Euclid Avenue Methodist Church in Cleveland. I'm so happy you and Doug threw a 50th anniversary surprise party for them --- and that we were all able to celebrate it with them. It was a wonderful, golden moment, in the field house overlooking the shore of Lake Erie, as blue as I had ever seen that lake. And this time, no dead fish! You really surprised them. Barb couldn't quite get over it. She was so happy to be with family and friends, and so attentive to all of us. I relished that she called me Tommy, since almost no one does any more. (Continued on next page…)

REMEMBERING BARB, BARBIE, BARBARA

It's a bright, warm summer day today. Sonia Sotomayor's confirmation hearings are on the news. It's noisy on the street. There's a disconnect between what I see and what I feel. I shall miss your sweet mother. Love, Tommy Bachtell

I have so many fond memories of Barbara that it's hard to know where to begin. She was always someone I could talk to. She influenced me in so many ways, personally and professionally. She was straight-forward and told it the way it was, but she was compassionate and caring. She was such a good person. I have fond memories of her picnics and family holiday parties. She had a poster on one of her office doors that said, "The truth will set you free." Another one of her mottos was, "Secrets keep you sick." Additionally, she said, "Only spirituality will fill the hole inside." She told of the importance of learning to "love yourself," and the importance of "self-esteem," along with humility. I remember her "Feelings" chart, with the "Faces" on it. She viewed those who participated in UMACC's program as her friends, not "just" her "clients." She was a pioneer in the Cleveland chemical dependency treatment community, someone who always did what she thought was right, even if not always popular. In my opinion, her beliefs proved to be correct in almost all instances. With clients, she could appear like a tiger when she had to do so, but she really had a very kind heart. I know how important her family was to her, and how grateful she was to Mike for his courage in giving her an ultimatum about choosing recovery. Mike and Barbara's joint courage and steadfastness of purpose is truly an inspiration to those who know them. I will miss Barbara very much. At the same time, like all important people in your life, you can focus on how much you've benefited from knowing them, and try to think that they're still with us in spirit, inspiration, and in motivating us to live fully and with joy. Larry Novikoff & Family

I have known Barb for almost 40 years! When I moved to Berea and met Cheryl, the next step was to meet her wonderful family. Barb and Mike were always around, Mike with his booming laugh and Barb in those really cool, flowing '70s outfits. With her red hair she was like a butterfly taking off. I had lots of fun at the Craver's house. Sleep-overs, dinner parties, just hanging out...many of my high school days and nights unfolded over there. When my family moved away before my senior year, the Cravers invited me to stay with them. Although that would have been REALLY fun, I went with my family. Barb was like my Other Mother during those years. I know that she will always be with us in her butterfly clothing, laughing and singing and keeping watch till we meet again. Joyce Goudy Guenther

REMEMBERING BARB, BARBIE, BARBARA

I always felt a sense of peace when I was around your mom. And in those days, I really needed it (still do, actually). If there are any notes/recordings from the service, please let me know. I know if will be a great success. Julie Neskey Cristal

My thoughts and prayers are you and your family. May you find comfort and peace in knowing all the lives your Mom touched including mine growing up on Pineview Drive. Love, Midge Lundberg

We are sorry to see the passing of a person so well imbedded in addiction services and a NAADAC member. Our blessings go with her and her family! Cynthia Moreno Tuohy Executive Director NAADAC, The Association for Addiction Professionals

A day spent with Barbara at her home chatting about the family she loved, her husband, children and grand children. The warmth of her company on a cold Cleveland day will be cherished in my heart always. Barbara McEachern

THANK YOU! To all our wonderful friends for your support and helping to spread the word of mom’s passing to the recovery community and her church family. If you would like to share a special memory of Barb you still have time as Doug will be creating a blog to share these memories and the transcript of her book, Let’s Stop Kidding Ourselves (a special thank you to Rita Deliman for helping to write and edit this book). You can email your memories to: [email protected]

Lyrics to Dancing With The Angels: Memories surround me But sadness has found me I’d do anything for more time Never before has someone meant more And I can’t get you out of my mind There is so much that I don’t understand But I know… Chorus You’re dancing with the angels Walking in new life You’re dancing with the angels Heaven fills your eyes Now that you’re dancing with the angels You had love for your family Love for all people Love for the Father, and Son Your heart will be heard In your unspoken words Through generations to come There is so much that I don’t understand But I know Chorus Bridge We’re only here for such a short time So I’m gonna’ stand up, shout out, And sing Hallelujah One day I’ll see you again Chorus

Barbara is survived by her husband Mike Craver, daughter Cheryl Craver, son Douglas Craver, sister-in-law Barbara Craver, niece Gretchen Craver, daughter-in-law Anna Jones and grandchildren Adrienne Craver, David Craver and Cory Brightharp Jr., Ozer Brightharp and Jacob Jones. The Craver family would like to thank Dr. Ken Chalker for his spiritual guidance and the First Church “Family” for their support over the years. Barbara LOVED this church, the music, the people, the sermons and EVERYONE in her life more than you’ll ever know!

“Today is the first day of the rest of your life!” - Barbara Ann Craver