Attraction, Love, And Intimacy

ATTRACTION, LOVE, INTIMACY ETC.        

Love Lust Attraction Chemistry Intimacy Friendship Romance Passion

Marriage?   



Until about 150 years ago, marriage was not about two people in love. The purpose of marriage: meet the needs of the group by forming alliances with other groups. Through the ages, marriage was an economic and political alliance: dowry, land, mutual defence and enough people to produce wealth, work the land, exchange goods. Husband and wife depended on each other to run the family enterprise, neither could do it alone.

 Most important source of social security,

medical care and economic support and survival.  Being so important for so many people, marriages were not decided by the man and woman alone based on attraction.  Love and lust were abundant, but unrelated to marriage.

 Factors that helped usher the love

marriage:        

industrialization: individual has more value affluence: less dependence on family literacy: romantic novels later, movies increased longevity secularization women financially independent lower birth rate

 19th

century: W. Europe and N. America accept new view: husbands as providers and wives as nurturing homemakers. But only by the 1950s could a family survive on only one salary.  Love based marriage means that if love fizzles, the couple need not stay together: rise of divorce.

 Expectations are high:          

love passion friendship mutual liking and appreciation sharing many interests companionship intimacy commitment equal participation economic partnership

 Disappointments also tend to be high.

ATTRACTION:  What makes us feel attracted to another person?     

 

familiarity propinquity (geographical closeness) complementarity (opposites attract) similarity (birds of a feather…) income, profession, status, power (especially for men) common values: long term personality: short and long term

Chemistry of attraction:  Arousal: phenylethylamine (PEA)  Touch: endorphins  Touch: oxytocin  Arousal short lived: 6-24 months  Depletion of neurochemicals, wear and tear  Some people become addicted: change partners often  Also, lack of accurate information: belief in passionate love forever  Historical, generational differences

Chemistry of attraction (Cont’d):  DHEA (dehydroepiandrosterone):   



secreted by adrenal glands weak androgen most sex hormones as well as pheromones, derived from it. same amount for males and females in bloodstream

 Pheromones:   

derived from DHEA sexual signals for both sexes sensed by the vomeronasal organ

Chemistry of attraction (Cont’d):  Oxytocin:  

 

pituitary released when touching or being touched by loved ones, even not in a couple relationship seen as important for attachment involved in parental behaviours

Chemistry of attraction (Cont’d):  PEA (phenylethylamine):    

 



called “the molecule of love” euphoria amphetamine-like substance produced in brain capillaries (endothelium) and in catecholaminergic terminals low PEA levels associated with depression some depressions successfully treated with PEA some people become addicted to the PEA “high” and change partners frequently to get it, as it’s higher early in a relationship

Chemistry of attraction (Cont’d):  Estrogen: 



makes women sexually attractive and receptive skin, lips, hair, fatty padding (curves), breasts, hips

 Testosterone:  

increases sex drive in both sexes too much is counterproductive

Chemistry of attraction (Cont’d):  Endorphins:   

produced in the brain released also in response to touch and sex positive feelings

 Progesterone:    

testosterone antagonist lowers sex drive in the pill, it lowers sex drive too mild sedative, calming effect

Chemistry of attraction (Cont’d):  Serotonin:    

neurotransmitter at low levels intensifies sex drive at high levels decreases it antidepressants elevate serotonin – decrease sex drive

 Dopamine:   

neurotransmitter associated with all pleasures related to substance addiction increases sex drive, promotes action

Chemistry of attraction (Cont’d):  Prolactin: 

decreases sex drive, especially in men (couvade)

 Vasopressin:       

hormone produced by pituitary antidiuretic increases blood volume and blood pressure “monogamy molecule” modulates testosterone levels extremes of feelings increases focus in lovemaking

Chemistry of attraction (Cont’d):  All these substances fluctuate during the day and with age and environmental events.  The “high” is short lived (6-30 months).  Cultural belief in “passionate love forever”.

Passionate love vs. companionate love:  Passionate love: bonds in initial stages, flares up occasionally. May or may not lead to long-term. Not useful to weather hurdles of life.  Companionate love: warm, steady bond, more realistic for long haul, friendship, knowledge of partner, acceptance ‘warts and all’, long-term commitment.  Different couples have different mix of each. In some, passionate love reawakens in empty-nest phase.

LOVE STYLES: • eros • ludus • storge • pragma • mania • agape



Eros: 



Ludus: 



logical, “shopping list”, planned choice based on logic and practical considerations

Mania: 



friendship love, friends that over time become a couple, friends even if they break up

Pragma: 



game-playing love, having two or more loves concurrently, dangling on a string, not serious

Storge: 



romantic, passionate love, physical chemistry, instant attraction, intense, satisfying

Possessive and dependent love, unable to sleep or eat, frantic if loved one out of range, can’t concentrate on anything else.

Agape: 

Self-sacrificing love, spiritual, selfless.

THEORETICAL APPROACHES Sociobiology:  The purpose of attraction is to propagate the species, transmission of genetic material.  Attractive characteristics are those that maximize survival of the species.  Women: young and healthy, physical attractiveness highly correlated.  Males: good providers, tall and strong and with obvious material means.  Speculation, no proof in favour, proof against.

SOME THEORIES OF ATTRACTION (Cont’d):  Byrne’s Law: more reinforcements than punishments Berscheid and Walster’s Two Component Theory: 1. physiological arousal, undifferentiated, adrenaline: heart rate, blood pressure, respiration, etc. 2. cognitive attribution: how we explain arousal. Influenced by situational cues. E.g. exercise, Capilano bridge

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory: • passion • intimacy • commitment Best match: partners similar in all three

Many theorists underline capacity for intimacy: • physical: non -sexual •

sensual

sexual

emotional:

• • • • •

trust self-disclosure (mutual) vulnerability security

Some cultures confuse sensual and sexual intimacy, leading to touch deprivation.  Touch deprivation can lead to:   

depression sexual deviance inappropriate use of sex

 Emotional intimacy: 

based on early experiences.

 Erikson: 

trust vs. mistrust (1st year of life)



Ainsworth Attachment Theory:    

secure attachment insecure anxious ambivalent insecure anxious avoidant disorganized

(mothers and infants) Plus   



Generational differences: 



innate temperament environmental influences historical influences concept of love

Gender differences

Bartholomew and Horowitz (1991)  Attachment styles:    

secure preoccupied dismissing fearful

 Secure: 

see self as lovable, expect others to be accepting and responsive

 Preoccupied: 

see self as unlovable but see others positively, seek acceptance by them

Bartholomew and Horowitz (1991) (Cont’d)  Dismissing: 

see self as lovable but see other negatively, may put up barriers for self-protection

 Fearful: see self and others negatively,

avoid relationships  Importance of childhood, family history. Can lead to ‘dysfunctional’ relationships.

 Ability to have long-term, satisfying

relationships is related to identity development.  Four identity types:    

identity achieving moratorium diffuse foreclosed

 Individuals in identity achieving:  

    

self knowledge ability to focus on each other (not selfabsorbed) sensitive to partner’s feelings and needs good communication equal power good conflict management stable relationship

 Partners with foreclosed identity:     

settled early, no search for alternatives accept everything from older generation rigid stable relationships if no change many couples who married in the 50s with foreclosed identities are divorcing now

 Partners in moratorium identity:  





identity in crisis self-preoccupied, not sensitive enough to partner’s emotional needs alternate between avoidance and engagement unstable relationship

 Partners with diffuse identity:        

mutual dependency not trying to achieve separate identities rely on each other for self-definition make excessive demands on partner threatened if one attempts independence communication vague repression of conflict and hostility very susceptible to external pressures: • adult responsibilities, finances, parents/in-laws, arrival of children

TYPES OF INTIMACY  Mutual intimacy: 

     

commit part of self to union but retain individuality strong degree of commitment equal sharing of power high levels of communication same basic values accurate perception of partner’s needs good conflict resolution

 Pseudointimacy:     

interaction at superficial level low level of true communication conflict avoidance rather than resolution can last if mutually convenient can have similar values

 Merger:     

one dominant partner, one submissive can last if values remain same rigid roles relate in stereotyped ways low awareness of partner’s emotional needs

MARRIAGE: Young adulthood (20-45)  Conflict (Erikson): 

Independence/loneliness

vs 

Intimacy/loss of freedom

 Advantages:  

    

intimacy (emotional, physical, sexual) interdependence (sharing resources and tasks) belongingness (Maslow) shared parenting continuity (memories, habits) shared identities (partial) men: better mental, physical health, longevity

 Disadvantages:     

constraints of shared decisions loss of privacy need to accept other’s habits, quirks responsibilities women: double shift, others come first

TYPES OF MARRIAGE: • Traditional • Modern (Sr./Jr. Partners) • Contemporary Subjective perceptions differ from objective assessments: partners tend to see equality where outside observers don’t.

COHABITATION:  More common today: 





POSSLQ: Persons of the Opposite Sex Sharing Living Quarters Young adults: “courtship”, usually precedes marriage Middle-aged and old: widowed or divorced

SAME SEX COUPLES:  Men: 

Relatively low % monogamous

 Women: 

Higher % monogamy, serial monogamy common

SEX AND MARRIAGE:  Enormous individual differences  Frequency higher before children and after empty nest  Couples satisfied with sex report satisfaction with marriage overall  Actively religious women report better sex life in marriage, more orgasms. In decreasing order: Jewish, Protestant, Catholic

Cultural Differences: 1. Group/family orientation: collectivistic 2. Individual orientation: individualistic 1.

2.

individual wants less important than group needs and decision individuals more important

 Immigrants: 

intergenerational conflicts

 Arranged marriages: 

pragmatic vs. love marriages

 Importance of social support