Anth 41 27.10. 03

Monday 27/10/03. I am @ the Ruffy recreation reserve located in the VicRoads Country Directory @ 9 x A2 on map 47 a couple of ks along the road 2 Eurora. Its 4.05 & peaceful so Ill probably remain 4 the night. I stopped here 4 a feed as when I got 2 the Ruffy Produce Store where we ate on our last trip (c ‘September 20/21’ p.1) it was closed. I had been looking 4ward 2 a gourmet meal & had intended 2 give the owner a copy of the writing as I had mentioned him & the store in it. Came the usual way through Whittlesea (where Ian Liddell wasnt home), Flowerdale (where I ddnt stop 4 a beer), Strath Creek (where I also ddnt stop 4 another beer), & Highlands (where Dennis was weeding his very lush garden which is in full bloom). I dont know where Im heading 2morrow as there is a large low pressure system 4ming 2 the west whch prevents me going in2 the fl@ country in western NSW as I had intended. I was going 2 go 2 the Daisy Plains Road north of Booligal (c ‘September 20/21’ p.11-12) & then in the direction of Pooncarie, Broken Hill, Burra & mayb the Flinders or the Gawler Ranges or the Eyre Peninsula but Im going 2 have 2 stick 2 sealed roads 4 awhile. When I started driving this morning I was in some discom4t from the rib I broke on thursday 16/10/03. Th@ happened @ abut 10 pm when I was riding home 2 Miller st from the Bocadillo bar where I had been with H while I drank 4 sangrias, 1 more than usual. Vis funeral had been on the tuesday. She had died on the morning of friday 10th. We had been waiting 4 her 2 die since we got back after driving all night on the 29th of september. My concentration was down & I was drunk so I rode in2 the traffic isl& in the middle of a poorly lit part of the road completely unexpectedly. The bike went left & I went right hitting the road like a sack of spuds. Ddnt know what happened till I was trying 2 st& up which @ 1st I couldnt & when I did I couldnt straighten up 4 quite a while. Some people came along & picked up the bike & after I checked myself 4 broken bones & thought there were none I was able 2 get on it & ride to Miller st. with difficulty. I was sore all down the right side but especially in the elbow, wrist, hip, ankle & ribs. Luckily I hadnt hit me head whch must have been cushioned by my outstretched arm. Mayb the ribcage hit the curbing of the isl&. The pain really set in when the effects of the alcohol wore off during the night. I made my next major mistake in the morning when I had an in depth encounter with H after discovering th@ by lying fl@ on me back I was able 2 keep my upper half still. @ least thats what I thought @ 1st & by the time I knew I was wrong it was 2 late 2 change plans. I had decided all I had was a case of deep seated bruising & I could remember how effective sex is as a pain killer from another occasion years ago where both my arms were broken (1 in 2 places) & were in temporary splints 4 a couple of days while I had 2 wait till the monday 2 get them set in plaster (in those days people over a certain income had 2 use a private doctor instead of a hospital casualty ward). On th@ occasion I was on morphine but the only time over the weekend I was pain free was during the act. Its things like th@ which make u believe in natural therapies. However on this occasion, & without knowing what medical opinion has 2 say on the m@er, I strongly advise against it if there is any possibility u may have a busted rib. I wasnt 2 bad 4 the rest of the day on saturday. I was even congratulating myself 4 what appeared 2 b a miraculous improvement. But on sunday I was in as much pain as I can remember. Saw Doig late on monday & was able to control it with 2 tablets of Aspalgin & a 10mg tablet of Diazapam taken with a glass of Drambuie b4 bedtimes. Also got a packet of Panadeine –FT tablets whch I havnt had 2 use. Continued the regime till friday evening, saturday evening relied solely on alcohol, yesterday morning ( ……(deleted) ……) ……(deleted) ……(in spite of Hs urgings 2 the contrary) without any subsequent consequences (8/11/03. Dan who sent an email from New York hoping I wouldnt give up riding the bike will b pleased 2 know th@ last night I rode it from Ivan-hoe → Bocadillo (3 sangrias)→ Miller st 4 the 1st time since the fall). The only thing Im terrified of now is coughing or sneezing. Doig reckons the bones start glueing 2gether after about 10 days (2day is the 11th) & its mostly completed over the next 2 weeks & all finished 6 weeks from the start. Im on the mend. I am giving u this info in case u fall off your bike yourself 1 day becoz though the newspapers have stories in plenty about Kylies bum, the advertising industry sells everything with sex, churchmen r 4ever talking about the dangers of it or of doing it wrong (except 4 procreation), practical advice 4 simple occurrences such as what 2 do when u fall off your bike is not always available. As Rasa Normantas said 2 me @ litho house a few weeks ago “prie gero noro nera blogo oro”. Its a litho saying of her fathers from the western part of the country & now th@ u can access a dictionary of your 1

choice on the internet u can work out what it means 4 yourself. (incidentally H has shown me sites Dan gets a mention in, with pictures, which are accessed under Dan Zizys if u search on Google). Oh yes, Denniss studio is finally being built. Its a large project & the cost has blown out like Federation Square. Originally he had budgetted 4 $150000 & then he was told it couldnt b done 4 less than $280000. Hes managed 2 shave $40000 off by using cheaper materials etc. & doing the painting whch was quoted @ $17000 himself. Hes had 2 cash in some of his super whch was supposed 2 finance him 4 the next 10 years till he bcomes eligible 4 the pension. Luckily Margaret is much younger than him & can look 4ward 2 a long working life. Or he might have 2 sell some paintings! Just been 4 a bit of walk along the lane on the northern side of the oval & around the oval. The beautiful row of oaks r vvid green with young leaf. Theres been plenty of rain in the area according 2 Dennis & it shows. Meantime in Melbourne where its much warmer many large deciduous trees, including 1 of the largest in Ivanhoe, havent sprouted & Im wondering if they r still alive. Rabbits r plentiful in the lane. I think they r making a comeback. Crimson rosellas (Platycercus elegans) r very common. I can hear pobblebonk frogs nearby though I cant see where the water is. Its going 2 b a real cold night. The noisiest birds I am hearing right now r the sulphur-crested cockatoos (Cacatua galerita); they must be roosting nearby 4 the night. The Ruffy community is thriving judging by the work th@ has been done here. There is a new lock on the clubhouse door, the cricket pitch is being properly maintained, toilets r in working order, & a br& new gate has been installed 4 an entry from the lane. On the club house veranda there is a single plush red rocking chair. There is no1 about & there hasnt been any traffic along the road (2 Euroa) from whch u come in2 here. Its 8.30 & Im going 2 bed. Tuesday 28/10/03. 8.45 am. Im still @ the reserve sitting on the clothes box in the van as I write bcoz its raining ouside. It started raining lightly in the middle of the night & hasnt let up. Its been cold & the morning has the feel of winter. After I went 2 bed yesterday a boobook owl joined the frog chorus. Later I heard a koala close 2 the van. Ive had breakfast (Kellogs Komplete Muesli) & am drinking a large mug of instant coffee (Smooth & Satisfying International Roast). The weather means I have no destination , am in no hurry 2 get going, so I might as well put in a correction 2 my previous piece ‘September 20/21’ which I 4got 2 make yesterday. In it on p.4 I had copied out an ‘I Ching’ reading done by Kate & Joe 2 Hs question whether she would get the grant (I had written it was 4 $11000 but actually it was 4 $16000) she had applied 4 4 her school. @ the time of the reading done on fathers day we had agreed it gave such an uncompromised indication of a successful outcome th@ if she ddnt get it the capacity of the ‘I Ching’ 2 make predictions would b discredited. After I had written the entry (on 21/9/03) I reported th@ H told me she had missed out on it (bcoz as she told me a couple of days ago the date by whch the government said it would in4m her of the result had passed with no news) but last friday she came home from school chuffed with the news th@ she had just been informed she had got it after all. I am anxious 2 have this point cleared up bcoz though I dont know how u could prove the validity of a method of prognostication (since even if it were 2 b correct on every occasion it could b a fluke?!) a single false prediction would make it useless as u could ask a simpleton questions about the future & some of the answers would have 2 turn out predictive. An oracles answers must b either true or obscure but never false if there is 2 b any value in consulting it. A similar consideration applies 2 the claim by jesus of nazareth th@ whatever u ask in his name u shall receive. A single instance of making a request & failing 2 receive would discredit the claim. U cannot wriggle out of the situation by saying u can only make worthy claims or ones of the kind clergymen might approve of bcoz then should any request @ all fail it could b dismissed as having been of the wrong variety & the nazarenes promise would b made devoid of power, or even meaning. I have only begged when my pleas have been involuntary (in the nature of cries) without any consideration 4 their worthiness & I have no proof, 2 date, th@ his claim is false. The @itude I find appealing is xpressed in a tetrastich which may be credited 2 Omar Khayyam whch is not normally given in the body of his work but whch introduces the Calcutta mss (1 of the few old manuscripts of his verses in existence.) It is said 2 have arisen from a dream (of Omar?) in which his mother asks about his future & admonishes him in these words : 2

Oh Thou who burn’st in Heart for those who burn In Hell, whose fires thyself shall feed in turn, How long be crying, ‘Mercy on them, God!’ Why, who art Thou to teach, and He to learn? Another quatrain sometimes @ributed 2 Omar whch is also relevant & I would b proud 2 appropriate as my motto (if u nsist, against my xpress wishes, on a gravestone nscription I approve of it though I would prefer something simpler as 4 nstance the grave of Wittgenstein whch consists of a plain slab lying on the ground with only the words ‘Ludwig Wittgenstein 1889-1951’ ngraved on it) is the 1 th@ ntroduces the Bodleian mss of his poems written @ Shiraz in AD 1460 : If I myself upon a looser Creed Have loosely strung the Jewel of Good deed; Let this one thing for my Atonement plead : That One for Two I never did misread. It is still raining & it doesnt look like its going 2 stop. Im heading northwest & staying on bitumen. My immediate objective is 2 find a good place 2 read the paper … 6.35. On the bank of the Murrumbidgee in Hay just north of the bridge where I always stop (see ‘September 20/21’ p.6). Ive reactivated my plan of going through Pooncarie. Its windy & warm. Ive gone from winter 2 summer in ½ a days driving. I am parked under overhanging river red gums whch r echoing with the characteristic, varied calls of noisy friarbirds (Philemon corniculatus). There r plenty of mozzies about. After leaving the reserve this morning I drove back in2 Ruffy 2 c if I could get 2 read a newspaper @ the Ruffy Produce Store but it wasnt open 4 business. However the owners were working inside so I was able 2 give them a copy of my last piece of writing in whch the store is mentioned. I wasnt prepared 2 stop 4 the coffee they offered & went on 2 Nagambie (through Longwood & Locksley) where I read the paper in the pub we used 2 go 2 b4 we were married th@ overlooks the lake. If u remember its the 1 where the 2 huge mastiffs were & whch always had rabbit on the menu. Now it has pokie machines with sad, vacant looking elderly ladies sitting in front of them. It also overcharges 4 poor quality red wine of which I bought 2 glasses. I wont go back there. Then I drove through Murchinson, Rushworth, Echuca (where I stopped 4 a bite by the river), Mathoura (where I bought a stubby), Deniliquin, 2 within 20ks of Hay (where I had a nap on a track a few hundred yards off the road). Now Im going 2 get a stubby of Sheaf stout & on2 the spot by the old station where we stopped last time as a big wind has sprung up again & Im apprehensive under the swaying canopy of the red gums. Wednesday 29/10/03. I told H b4 I left my only obligatory writing agenda on the trip was 2 include a record of Vis funeral. H (being a librarian) has filed it & associated documentation neatly in a folder whch if it doesnt get lost will b available 2 future generations on this side of Vis family should there b any or any1 who is interested. Apparently H & Kate r also preparing a more comprehensive tribute in the 4m of a h&made book. But a single copy can easily b lost or mislaid whereas I put out 100-150 copies (but intend 2 get it down 2 100) of my pieces some of which r kept by people (they tell me) & my own master copies (with illustrations in colour) r filed in yearly folders whch 4m a bulky collection more difficult 2 mislay than a single folder. The modern method is 2 store this kind of info on a personal internet site (my ribs have just been pummelled by 3 sudden sneezes & I still havnt reached the stage where Im able 2 blow my nose properly) but I am not computer literate & I dislike it though my writing depends on it. But 1st Im putting in a copy of the funeral service of Georgi Joost because it was given 2 me by Dennis on monday. We both knew George (originally trained as a lawyer in estonia; a conscript in2 the soviet army; though not a tradesman built an xcellent house himself in Melbourne working from architectural plans from a newspaper) when he worked as an @endant in the State Library of Victoria where he had the respect of all who worked next 2 him. He seemed @ peace with himself, cheerful, never angry or critical of others, & always balanced & calculated in his opinions which he rarely offered unless asked 4. His lifespan coincided with Vis & he died only a few weeks earlier. By 3

including the brochure (miniaturised) of his funeral service I hope 2 highlight the account of Vis service (prepared by H who uncharacteristically dipped in2 the bible 4 material) & 2 illustrate the departure from traditional practices they represent. Aslo though its a long time since George retired from the library there may still b a few people there who remember him & may b interested in my account should they come across a copy of it.

…. (1.18) Im @ the spot 34ks or so out of Hay described on pp.7-9 in ‘September20/21’. I have addd it 2 my list of private camping spots. I like the way it is made invisible in country whch appears fl@ 2 the horizon by a subtle dip in the plain from the road a k away whch itself probably goes 4 days with4

out traffic. I like knowledge whch is particular depending on personal xperience rather than on the application of principle. U wont find this spot in a lifetime unless u come here from the information Ive provided. The entry in2 it is not visible @ the verge of the main road but some1 has been in here in the intervening period on a wet day as I recognized from a new tyre mark. I suppose it was a government vehicle as a thin round plastic stake, about 2 feet high has been driven in2 the ground next 2 the track a couple of hundred yards away. It has a white plastic tag attached with the letters W19 written on it in black marker. The channel unlike the others Ive been driving past between here & Hay, is still dry. There r now 2 pairs of black kites in the area. I did all the usual things I do in slow motion when leaving Hay. Bought tomatoes & a spanish onion @ the supermarket. Topped up with water @ the picnic area off the main road where the dripping tap where we fotographed the butcher bird drinking from it has been repaired. Rang H on the mobile 2 tell her me ribs were OK. She says yesterday they had the coldest october day ever recordd – it only got 2 9°C. No 1der I felt I had gone from winter 2 summer. Filled up with petrol & cleaned off the spl@ered insect remains from the windscreen whch r more numerous than they were a few weeks back. Read the paper (a suspected terrorist cell in Sydney none of whose members have been arrested or even charged with a past misdemeanor or of planning 1 4 the future) in the bread shop where I also bought ½ doz buns. On the way out of town got 2 stubbies from the last pub along the road. Im sitting @ the back of the van out of the wind under the tailgate feeling a bit soporific (the beer?) so Im turning in 4 a doze b4 continuing with the entry.… I find it interesting th@ Dennis whom I remember as having been the most ntensely & ntolerantly ntireligious person I had known took part in what was clearly a religious service conducted by a parson in a church. Moreover he did 1 of the readings : the Beatitudes from Matthew 5 : 1-12 . (just had a crap). Coincidentally Matthew 5 : 3-9 was 1 of the passages picked out by H (read by Joe) 4 Vis funeral. Dennis tells me as he was reading it he kept thinking of the part in the film ‘Life of Brian’ where the main character mishears line 5:9 as “blessed are the cheesemakers” & muses on their mysterious importance in the larger scheme of things. Its worth noting th@ Dennis has a clause in his will xpressing his objection 2 a religious funeral & he tells me th@ as far as he knows George Joost was irreligious, the service being jointly designed by the parson & Georges children. Compare this 2 the action of Leo Tolstoy @ a time when he was a vehement critic of the russian orthodox church of sending 4 a parish priest 2 have his brother (a believer) interred according 2 the orthodox rite. Wittgenstein told Drury (a convert 2 roman catholicism) th@ Tolstoys action was xactly what he would have done in the same circumstance. Wittgenstein died of prostate cancer @ the age of 62 (as I am) with a h&ful of his most devoted admirers (most of his ‘disciples’ had been persuaded by him 2 pursue other careers rather than bcome academic logicians in Cambridge or Oxford 4 though acclaimed by his peers (Russell, Frege etc.) as the greatest logician (in mathem@ical theory) of his time & perhaps ever he was of the opinion th@ almost any other occupation including ditch digging was of more benefit 2 the individual & humanity) in @endance. As they had arrived after he was already unconscious they had 2 choose the 4m@ of the funeral which they did @ a brief meeting where Drurys opinion was probbly the most influential. Wittgenstein who had claimed his thinking was of a religious style nonetheless was on record 4 having stated he was unable 2 believe in the kinds of things catholics believed in or 2 “bend his knee” or say “lord”. However he had once xpressed the desire his catholic friends pray 4 him @ his death & in the final days asked 2 c a priest provided he was of the ‘non philosophical’ variety. The priest he talked 2 was the 1 who had converted Drury 2 catholicism but we dont know if the meeting gave him any satisfaction. In the end while he was unconscious the usual catholic office for the dying was administered with conditional absolution. He was given a catholic burial @ St Giles Church, Cambridge & the normal roman catholic prayers were said by a priest @ the graveside …. 6.00. Have just had an unpleasant surprise. As I was walking back 2 the van along the track on which we had walked west along the channel until we saw a homestead in the distance on our last trip & was examining another 1 of the numbered (W18) plastic posts I saw a vehicle approaching going in the same direction as me. It turns out it was coming from the homestead which is called Norwood (main access track is from the Maude road) & has recently been acquired 2gether with a neighbouring property by the govt & become a new 30,000 hectare national park. Ive 5

been sprung & Im illegal 2 I was told though the ranger doesnt mind if I spend the night here as long as its understood “you havent seen me”. It takes the gloss off it as the feeling of privacy in a beautiful spot was its main @raction. Bsides he reckons storms r predicted 4 2night. I doubt his judgement as hes only been here a month but I might as well return 2 my spot in Hay. The numbered posts r fox bait markers & the GPS location of each is noted on a map. He looked uncomfortable when I told him how rabbit numbers xplode in places where fox hunters have been based. I suppose theyll have a rabbit eradication program later coz they r certainly on the comeback as I noted & he agreed. They also have plans 2 get stuck in2 the salvation jane (also known as patersons curse or riverina bluebells) though their methods r not very effective according 2 him. On saturday they have a rose show in the homestead 2 whch 200 visitors r xpected. The lady who had owned it had been famous 4 her gardening. I told him th@ in my opinion their chances of returning this country 2 anywhere remotely resembling its original condition was buckleys & he ddnt disagree. He says once there were 3 timber mills between Hay & Deniliquin (or maybe he said between One Tree & Hay) just cutting callitris pine. Now the most outst&ing feature of the plain is th@ its treeless. Things pass away & cant be returned. Thursday 30/10/03. I was right about the weather. It was a still, starry night. Why do I believe what people tell me? The ranger had sounded so confident & said he had talked 2 the office in Griffith about it (after I asked whether he had actually seen a weather map thinking he may have seen a more recent 1 than I had put out on the weather bureau site on the internet) during the day. If I had remained where I was I wouldnt have heard the big trucks on the highway in South Hay all through the night as they slow down 4 the roundabout & then change through the gears 2 accelerate out. Im on the river bank where Ive written a previous entry Ive put out earlier in the year (c ‘3/6/03-12/6/03. p8). A kookaburra (Dacelo novaeguineae) l&ed on the roof of the van b4 dawn & gave a bit of a chortle just in case I hadnt been woken by the trucks. Another kingfisher around is the sacred kingfisher (Todirhampus (Halcyon) Sancta). While still in bed I was visited by a flock of white-winged choughs (Corcorax melanorhamphos) & can hear them now further away. Saw a black faced cuckoo-shrike (Coracina novaehollandiae) & can hear the beautiful call of a grey shrike-thrush (Colluricincla harmonica) from across the river. The choughs have returned & r wandering about on the other side of the van. There r many other bird calls. Switched in2 shorts, sandals, & short-sleeved shirt (drove 2 the toilet urgently & also washed me face, h&s & teeth (incidentally Ive got a gold crown (c ‘August 18’ p.2)) & have returned 2 me spot) 2 continue the writing. I want 2 xplain a difference of opinion I have with Wittgenstein because Im such an admirer of his method though I dont xpect even 1 of my readers will have the faintest idea of what Im talking about & if there r those who think they do they r almost certainly misinterpreting what I am saying. The specific impulse th@ triggers these observations is reading the passage 1 Corinthians 15 : 50-55 whch was 1 of the readings @ George Joosts funeral service. Un4tunately I have 2 quote it from the ‘Good News Australia’ version instead of the King James which I prefer. Here it is “ “ What I mean, friends, is that what is made of flesh and blood cannot share in God’s Kingdom, and what is mortal cannot possess immortality. Listen to this secret truth : we shall not all die, but when the last trumpet sounds, we shall all be changed in an instant, as quickly as the blinking of an eye. For when the trumpet sounds, the dead will be raised, never to die again, and we shall be changed. For what is mortal must be changed into what is immortal; what will die must be changed into what cannot die. So when this takes place, and the mortal has been changed into the immortal, then the scripture will come true : “Death is destroyed; victory is completed?” “Where, Death is your victory? Where, Death, is your power to hurt?” ” When Wittgensteins hormone & x-ray treatment was discontinued becoz it had become obvious he had only months 2 live (2 in fact) he remarked “I am going to work now as I have never worked before.” (@ the end when told he had only a few days left he said “good!” & b4 losing consciousness when he was told his close friends in england would b coming next day he said “Tell them I’ve had a wonderful life”). Wittgenstein wrote over ½ of the notes whch were published in the posthumous booklet titled ‘On Certainty’ in the 2 months after the cessation of his treatment. Any1 wishing 2 underst& my commnts might b helped by reading the book which is easily available. The book appears 2 b a response 2 the claim by the philosopher G.E. Moore th@ certain kinds of common sense knowledge r self evident eg. if u say : this is 6

an elephant as u r st&ing in front of 1; the earth has been here long b4 me; I exist. Wittgenstein wanted 2 show th@ these kind of statements could not b seen 2 b a 4m of knowledge but belonged better 2 the realm of assertiveness. The statements (all of Moores examples were of the kind) r incapable of being contested bcoz we wouldnt know what we were doing if we tried 2. For some1 2 wonder whether he existed or 2 claim he ddnt (I heard Frank O make this claim once as he banged a table fiercely & I know what he was doing : he was drawing @ention 2 himself by getting up our noses coz he was xisting too much) would raise the suspicion he was going insane. It happens becoz these kind of propositions 4m the river bed (I would say the context 2 provide the meaning) along which the kinds of propositions whch provide knowledge (I have a different definition of knowledge) flow. The propositions whch provide knowledge (of objects, & r the basis of the sciences) r of the kind whch r capable of being denied (or measured – a…z...) eg. if someone says this is a refrigerator as he points @ a chair. It is important 2 underst& th@ Wittgensteins categorization of the 2 kinds of statements isnt a hidden truth whch he has discovered & revealed (eg. written on stone tablets by god th@ have lain hidden in the earth till Ludwigs arrival) but more in the nature of a rule or a language device (or ‘game’) which he invents (proposes!? Asserts!?) 2 solve a ‘grammatical’ (in the Wittgenstinian usage) problem raised by G.E.Moores thesis. Now here is a sharp difference between me & Wittgenstein (though I have no doubt th@ given an opportunity we would have agreed th@ on the fundamentals we were skinning the same rabbit but by different methods) who was @racted 2 religious practices though unable 2 participate in them whereas I find them (the chanting, language as incantation, the mumbo jumbo of the droned responses, ritual, group intoxication) repugnant : he could find no reason (according 2 his schema) why religious practice should not b part of the foundational structures (river bed of assertions) along whch the waters of deniable propositions (eg. science) might flow & he would have liked it 2 b so (make it so) whereas I prefer religious language (while asserting that all language is reductive) 2 b of the kind where its propositions r capable of being coherently denied. & it is clear 2 me from the intelligence of the language & the sense of intimacy I feel from the coincidence th@ certain of his observations r substantially the same as mine th@ Paul is speaking the same language of deniable propositions as I do. Here is an earlier quote (1 Corinthians 15 : 35-38) : “Someone will ask, “How can the dead be raised to life? What kind of body will they have?” You fool! When you plant a seed in the ground, it does not sprout to life unless it dies. And what you plant is a bare seed, perhaps a grain of wheat or some other grain, not the full-bodied plant that will later grow up. God provides that seed with the body he wishes; he gives each seed its own proper body.” If I were 2 xtend the meaning of the word body by using the word soul (which I dont because the meaning of ‘soul’ has been debased by falling in2 the wrong hands) I would use it 2 dscribe my amazement @ the relationship between a seed & a tree, or the green grub on a lettuce leaf & a white-winged butterfly, or the underground larval stage of a cicada with its eyes that could have no concept of light & the green insect with transparent wings vibrating with song. The kind of trans4mation of us envisaged by Paul is based on pointing out analogies which is 1 of the main ways th@ science (& mathem@ics according 2 Wittgenstein) progresses. The contention th@ @ our death an analogous trans4mation may take place is a deniable proposition. But I, though known 4 my scepticism, am unable 2 deny it. 2 b able 2 do so would require me 2 have the capacity 2 observe myself from outside my frame in the way I can observe a seed die & b replaced by a tree. Also, 2 claim th@ the dead (or some of them) can b or will b on the last day raised (reconstituted! in a new form?!) is a proposition of the deniable type. I have no evidence 4 it. The reason I dont suppose I will b easily understood is becoz what I am doing is not a discussion (same 4 Wittgenstein) of what already is or isnt or might or should b but a participation in the process of 4ming it. (a tiny dark brown cicada, no bigger than a blowfly, landed on me arm)…. 5.40. If some1 were 2 assert th@ anything we do doesnt have a bodily component (in the case of language partially neurological) I could not imagine what he might mean. How else would these processes b taking place? Furthermore it is obvious th@ any practice modifies the body & the body we inherit sets limits 2 possible changes. So I dont expect 2 b understood by some1 who hasnt done the same exercises & followed similar paths 2 mine. I have judged the worth of my journey by the way stations & since the kind of places u enjoy is a m@er of 7

individual taste I have no inclination 2 promote my way. Some may prefer 2 stay in the same place either bcoz their bodily structures r predisposed 2 stability or though capable of change they r satisfied with where they r. I suspect the religious (or secular) fundamentalist is th@ sort of person. Villagers can sometimes believe so strongly in their slogans & mblms & find challengers from outside so threatening they r prepared 2 kill others or sacrifice themselves in the effort 2 retain stability. It may b some havnt travelld enough 2 notice th@ in the very next village people shout the very opposite & r equally inclined 2 die 4 their beliefs. My preference is 2 st& aside from the intensities of village life bcoz my pleasure comes from observing & comparing their different languages. It could mean I have trouble finding some1 who talks my own. But I dont think I care. Perhaps I dont know what Im missing … I am still in the Hay area just out of town @ a place on the river called Soapworks Beach. U get here by going a few ks along the Maude road & turning left @ the sign. This is a terrific find & its going 2 b my new stopover when Im in the area. There r some huge river red gums & heaps of birds. The most important thing is there r also plenty of grassy spots where u dont have 2 park under overhanging limbs as even a small branch could go through my fibreglass roof. Its an important consideration 2night as a change is predicted. Im the only person here though the area goes 4 over a k along the river. There r heaps of birds I wont bother numerating. Bcoz its so still the place is ringing with their calls.

Friday 31/10/03. All decisions & arrangements 4 Vis funeral were made by H. Costs were not a consideration as Dean insisted on paying. Even so, H made it as simple & basic as she could (she said if a plain pine board box painted white had been available it would have been the most appropriate. As it was she chose the 3rd cheapest which was plain enough, white with gold coloured handles. It was placed on a st& 2 the side @ the front of the funeral chapel @ Le Pine in Ivanhoe entirely covered with a huge bouquet of deep red roses), the funeral charge was $6000. This is a sum byond anything Vi would have seen or thought 2 have spent on herself in a lifetime. H prepared the commemorative card where the photo on the front (in colour) is 1 of the latest taken & the 1 on the back is the earliest in our possession. I havnt heard of Canon Henry Scott Holland, dont share his sentiments & dislike his style. Otherwise it was a beautiful card I thought & H had enough made 2 send 2 people who might b interested or might have wanted 2 @end what was a private funeral, 8

unannounced & restricted 2 immediate family. After the arrival of the gr&children Vis life had been devoted ntirely 2 them & from then on I wasnt aware of any aspiration, request, or desire th@ she had 4 herself. Here is a smaller copy of the card.

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I pointed out 2 H th@ in the list naming Vi & her descendants there was a circularity in th@ the 1st & last words were ‘Violet’. H had not been aware of it when she had the card made up. The last name ‘Emma Jane Violet’ belongs 2 Vis 1st great-great-gr&aughter who was born on 10/10/03 in the afternoon of the same day on which Vi had died in the morning. Her mother Rebecca was named after Vis mother and shares Vis birthday – 25th July…. 2.45. This is how strong the wind is. I was sitting on the back bumper under the tail gate & the van started rolling backwards. Thats never happened b4. I had 2 put the h&brake on. I wont b putting the pop top up 2night. I am 149ks from Hay @ the same spot where Ive been 2wice b4 on both of whch occasions Ive written entries which Ive published (c ‘3/6/03 – 12/6/03’ p11 & ‘September 20/21’ p10.). Its the spot on the Daisy Plains Road where me & H had our disagreement bcoz I wanted 2 go west & she wanted 2 go southeast 2wards civilization & mobile telefone range. Th@ was on our last trip & she had won the argument. 2morrow Im heading west in2 the wind & the direction of Pooncarie. Ive just done a little calculation which tells me its 250ks away so @ the rate I travel it might take a few days. In the morning I repeated my Hay routine. There was a message from Kate hoping my ribs were OK & telling me Im supposed 2 send copies of my stuff 2 the library in Canberra bcoz I distribute it 2 the public. Its not true. I send & h& out my pieces 2 particular individuals otherwise Id have 2 abide by copyright laws whch would undermine 1 of the essential str@egies of what I do. Nor am I an author 4 reasons well analysed in a famous essay by Michel Foucault. Nor am I an artist in possession of a business number whch I might use 2 write off my publishing, petrol & van costs against my tax payments. I could do it but will not put myself in the position where it might b thought I was writing 4 a financial advantage (even though it must b obvious I would never do th@). 4 the same reason I have rejected offers 2 have arts grants arranged. & there r other more subtle & insidious trade-offs whch go with accepting the label of artist. I would never allow myself 2 blong 2 any organization, institution, or loyalty group whch I thought was capable of influencing or imposing obligations or restrictions on what or how I write. I will not add Canberra 2 my mailing list. Had a message from H & again managed 2 get through 2 her @ school. Shes going 2 Miller st 2night till tuesday arvo so shes out of contact xcept 4 her mobile message bank. Egle had rung from Sydney worrying about the effects of Vis death on me. I am preoccupied with illness, old age & decrepitude, & yes death but so was the buddha. I dont think Ive dwelt 2 much on it. Rather Im surprised @ how quickly & completely people I have known have disappeared 4 me. As if they had never xisted. Joe, Ben & Tony r shifting in2 a new house in Separation st. Its got 4 bedrooms which is great as Joe has been sleeping in the kitchen @ Gooch st. But its only 4 a month or so till the place is dmolished. Dan has sent 2 emails from New York. Hes done a shoot for the US version of FHM mag & has a few other possibilities. He sounds happy H says. The last thing I done in town b4 heading off was 2 read the Age @ Robertsons Hot Bread Kitchen across the main street from the newsagency as Ive been doing each day. I asked 4 the strongest possible mug of latte & when the same cheery girl who served me yesterday brought it over she asked if she had managed 2 make it stronger this time & where I was going. Her name is Abby Bunyan of “Mutherumbung” Station, Booligal NSW 2711. The owners of “Daisy Plains” r Peter & Jenny Bunyan who I presume r her parents. I am parked on their property. I was able 2 give her a copy of ‘September 20/21’ as I had brought 2 (gave the other 1 2 the people @ Ruffy) & promised 2 send a copy of this 1. I told her if she was talking on the fone 2 her folks this arvo 2 tell them the guy staying overnight in the white van across from the derelict shearing shed isnt dangerous. Im looking forward 2 a good night as I like it when the van is buffeted by the wind.…7.20. Went 4 a stroll on the dead fl@ plain 2 the nearest windmill I could c. The pleasing thing was the track curved about 4 no discernable reason. When I got there found the tanks were derelict & though the windmill was spinning it was disconnected from the shaft. Left @ 5.10 & got back @ 7.00. A health report : its now 15 days since I cracked me ribs & they r improving daily. Dont notice any little clicks anymore & a while ago was able 2 clear me throat & even get away with a hesitant cough so when I got back 2 the van I blew me nose 2 4 the 1st time in 2 weeks. Incidentally Im drinking a cup of Continental Cup-a-Soup GOURMET Country Style Pea & Ham with CROUTONS & I recom-mend it. Its dlicious & Im gunna go & blow me nose again. Sleep well. Saturday 1/11/03. When H asked me 2 say a piece @ the beginning of the funeral service she was prparing 4 Vi she had no way of knowing I 10

would accept. After my fathers funeral (when I was about 22) whch had been 1 of the 4mative events in my life I had vowed I wouldnt @end another. He had been a quiet person who never pushed himself 2 the 4front prferring 2 st& aside or 2/3rds back but his funeral was a large ‘community’ affair with all the trappings. He had been a person who when given a choice always said less than more & what he said was 2 the point. @ the funeral hypocritical eulogies were delivered by windy people of no consequence 2 him. He had been a person who dressed in a minimal utilitarian manner but his last rites were conducted by a priest (mayb 2) in the brilliantly colourful mbroidered regalia of the catholic church & @ the cemetery (the Carlton 1 where his gravestone consists of a full size stone cross lying fl@ on the slab) he was swinging a smokey censer hung from silver chains. I cant remember my father (who I think went 2 church becoz it was xpected of him (he told me he used 2 c his mother, Felicija, who was illiterate @ mass in their village ‘reading’ from her missal written in polish holding it upside down) ever talking about religion, god, etc. etc. In short the whole event had appeared 2 me 2 b humbug unrelated 2 the man being buried 2 the point of constituting an insult. People say these events r meant 4 the living but I was 1 of them & it ddnt help me. My @itude 2 church ceremony continues 2 b fraught. Respect 4 the prayers of the devout doesnt allow me 2 participate without being fully joined with them. When H (who had 2 take lessons 2 get baptised so we could have permission 4 the church wedding she wanted) wanted our children baptised I had no objections but stayed home or stood outside the church. However some years after my fathers death I went 2 the funeral of a close friend who had died after driving in2 the back of a tram giving in2 the expectations of people who might have noted my absence. The guilt of having caved in 2 shallow motive has lasted . Vis funeral is the 3rd. When H explained it was 2 b a small non-church (Vi never went to church) event, restricted 2 family in whch our children were willing & active participants, & she wanted my support & I was unrestricted in what I could say I was able 2 take part. Im glad I did – it helped. This is what I said : I’m reading this from a piece I wrote on a trip, in my journal on the 15th of February, 2002, when I thought there was a possibility that Vi might die before I returned. So it is not written as a eulogy but purely with a desire to say things as they are because Vi was a person deserving to be truthfully spoken about. Excuse any awkwardness in the reading caused by some interpolations included over the last couple of days. Destiny has played tricks on Vi. It gave her two unsuitable husbands. The first was a philanderer. Her son from that marriage, Dean, who was raised in his grandmothers household became a successful manager of many large companies. Noel, Helens dad, a heavy drinker all his life, was pathologically jealous. I think Vi would have become a successful manager herself. I feel sure its from her that Dean inherited his abilities. Her good sense, cheery manner & leadership ability earned the respect of everyone she came in contact with. But life in the workplace was made impossible by Noel, for whom the likelihood that she might glance at other men & notice that not all of them were as morose as him, was intolerable. The ever present danger of him arriving at the workplace to cause a scene meant that she had to leave her job, which she loved, as head girl at Coles. The justification given was that a womans place is in the home. [Helen has told me since that Vi left because Helen was pregnant with Michael, and Vi wanted to be a fulltime grandma) Vi could have (& would have liked to I think) made a mark in society for she had natural elegance, a quick wit, tall figure, a capacity to tell a story & an easy way of holding centre stage. She had a good humoured but tolerant disrespect for the pretentious that would have allowed her to hold her own in any company. There is an irony then in the fate which prevented her from having even the normal social life that anyone expects of visiting & being visited by friends & relatives or taking part in community activities. Noel was shy in company & would drink steadily becoming 11

more morose as he went. Under the circumstances socializing was always tense & there was a risk of a price having to be paid afterwards. It just wasnt worth it. So Vi devoted herself to raising her daughter & since both parents doted on her it was what made their life comprehensible. I think that was Helens role, whether assigned by the gods or demanded by necessity doesnt matter. The buying of books, the homework, school functions, her obvious successes : dux of school, head prefect, scholarships provided a veneer of normality to the outside world such as there was of it. It all seems so long ago. Vi has forgiven & appears to have forgotten. The question I always used to ask was why hadnt she left him, because she had often been driven to the edge. The answer given by Helen was that she was afraid that wherever she hid he would eventually find her. Yes, it was a real consideration, maybe the decisive one. Strange how cooperative our memories have been in letting it submerge & also strange how easily dredged up now that a life has to be reviewed. I suspect it was Helen herself who was most responsible, by providing a meaning, for them staying together. I think she saw it as her duty, or if she didnt its how she acted, to make Vi’s life tolerable. & I think she succeeded. Its why the memories have been allowed to fade. When it wasnt Helen then it was the grandchildren. No grandparents doted more on them than Vi & Noel & the long period over which everyone of the 5 of them used to spend each weekend at Ebony Parade (& often weeks at a time when Helen was in hospital with the next one) even in their teenage years was a process which finally closed many wounds. It was the golden age. The marriage really did become normal. Though Noel gave Vi barely adequate weekly house-keeping money, her generosity had no bounds. The kids would come home with toys and money jingling in their pockets at a time when we gave little, me being old fashioned & not wanting to spoil them. I think if they had asked for more she would have given & gone hungry. I am not suggesting she be given credit for being generous because though she scrimped & saved pennies all her life (jars for the gas money, jars for the electricity, jars for money for the rates) & though her proudest achievement was the purchase of the housing com-mission house which she did by forging Noels signature (he wouldnt co-operate) & paid off out of the same weekly allowance, she simply did not value money or possessions. [I should point out here that because Vi was so fiercely independent and also subject to feelings of guilt at her inability to have reared her children from her marriage to Walt, she was unable to accept Dean’s persistent offers of substantial financial assistance until the last years of her life.] Her life which once had been devoted to Helen was now centred totally on the kids. It has been another irony of her fate that lately they have not been frequent visitors though they are not far away. [This was due to circumstances in their own lives. In recent months they became regular visitors and in the last weeks of her life Vi was aware of the depth of their affection] She doesnt expect them to but when one of them visited her at the hostel not so long ago she told Helen afterwards she felt as if her heart was going to burst with pride. Over all this time she has never lost her good humour though an acid edge, which has always been there, has become more pronounced. [Incidentally, Vi’s sense of humour was 2nd to none and has been passed on both to Helen and Dean. Dean sent her a gift for her recent 88th birthday and she replied with a card in which she wrote : “Thank you for the gift you sent for my 104th birthday. I am doing well for my age. Most people here think Im only 88” ] In spite of two failed marriages she had succeeded in retaining her dignity and spirit. [She has been a very strong person]. Finally. In the last 2 weeks of her life she was surrounded by family. A week and a half before she died when a carer asked her how she was she replied that she was tired of waiting. The last longer sentence she said was a couple of days before her death. When Helen was stroking her arm, hand and face she turned to her and said “stop patting me, you make me feel like a horse”. The last words we 12

know she said were on the night before she died when she squeezed Helens hand and said “go home”. And here is what Michael said when told that Grandma was not expected to live : “Tell her of my strong sentiments and I am sure that in her next life she will be very very happy.” Thank you. The email Dan sent from New York :

(Im writing sitting inside the van with the tail gate up & its like being inside a bird hide. There r small birds all about & some have l&ed on the van. Some of them : flock of budgerigars (Melopsittacus undulatus); many crimson chats (Ephthianura tricolor); had some terrific sightings of orange chats sitting up on bushes next 2 the van as if purposely displaying themselves (Ephthianura aurifrons); the usual white winged trillers (Lalage tricolor); masked woodswallows (Artamus personatus); whitewinged fairy wrens (Malurus leucopterus) whose males r so brilliant u can c 1 150 yards away even though they are tiny; white-fronted chat (Ephthianura albifrons); earlier a spotted harrier (Circus assimilis) cruised by & caught something; a tiny bird whch was possibly a speckled warbler (Sericornis sagittatus); & others. It has been 1 of the best bird watching sessions Ive had. Dont know if u remember, honey, th@ the ground cover here was a low dark green xtremely arom@ic herb. Its now dried out & seeded & produced huge quantities of fine prickly burrs whch Ive got in me socks, underpants, & increasingly everywhere inside the van. It might b what they r feeding on.) Immedi@ely after I read out my piece (sitting in the front row but turned 2 face the others; H conducted proceedings st&ing up in front of the seats) Dean jumped up with remarkable agility 4 a man of his bulk & instinctively strode out to the lectern with the microphone out front on the stage like the company director whch of course he is. (8/11/03. You remembered the order of things incorrectly – Dean spoke at the end, after all of us had had our say - helenz) He said he had 2 directors meetings coming up but th@ this was the hardest speech hed ever had 2 make & he thank-ed everyone & said he couldnt add 2 what had already been said & came back 2 his seat. It was very moving. (Incidentally, honey, the small everlasting daisy (white with yellow centre) after which the plain is named remains st&ing after the plant dries out so the area looks 2 b still in flower.)… Ive crossed 2 shire boundaries : from Booligal 2 Balranald & from Balranald 2 Wentworth. My gauge reads 220ks from where I filled up @ Booligal which means Ive done 148ks 2day. Its 4.15. Im in country of 13

grassy plains, sparse woodl&, & a bit of scrub on a disused track whch puts me out of sight of the main track whch in a couple of ks joins the road joining Darnick (4mer rail town but now only a locality name) 2 Pooncarie where I hope I will b able 2 get petrol. Later Ill go 4 a walk along the track but 1st I want 2 say what I know of Vis 1st husb&, the father of Dean, Walt Wills. I never heard Vi talk about him (I had a habit of switching off when she talked about her past as she never let facts get in the way of a good story. I notice the commemorative folder includes her 16 page h& written account of her life 2 about 15 but I havnt read it ) but here is some of what I know. Vi had just turned 18 when Dean was born & Walt was a year older. Her death certificate records th@ she married @ 19. They both came from the poorest end of Adelaide – the West end. When Kate told her partner Gary th@ Vi had been married 2 Walt Wills, Gary said “ he wasnt by any chance the famous Walt Wills 1 of the last legendary dinkum ozzie larrikins?” I thought he might have been the same person as I knew of a story Vi had told Helen of how in the days of 6 oclock closing Walt & his mates had barricaded themselves in a pub after closing & continued their drinking keeping the police outside till they were ready 2 leave. I asked Kate 2 find out where Gary had read up on this as I assumed some historian must have written a book with a title like ‘The Last of the Adelaide Larrikins’. But it turns out th@ Gary whose family hail from the working poor of Collingwood b4 it bcame yuppified knew of Walts legendary status without the aid of historians. Once upon a time working class heroes bcame famous 4 their deeds by word of mouth & his fame had reached Melbourne. (8/11/03. Wrong again (that’s 2 in a row!!). Walt’s fame was due to his boxing – someone in Gary’s family was a boxing fan and knew his reputation – helenz.) He is said 2 have been a superb athlete, having fought & won 30 amateur fights in the heavyweight division (all on knock-outs). On 1 occasion he beat the fire brigades South Australian champion & the police South Australian champion on the same day – 1 in the morning & the other in the arvo. He also won his only 2 bouts as a professional both on points. He left the sport then becoz, as Dean told us after the funeral, he said if u cant knock em out the games not worth it. He was terrific with kids, Dean says, & had no vices other than women. He was generous with money. If he had $100 hed give u $50 but if u had $100 & he needed it hed take $50. (8/11/03. The generousity didn’t extend to Mum – she told me many times how he would be gone for weeks with some other woman or with his mates, and she had no food in the house to feed Dean and his sister Verna. The kids often didn’t have shoes or decent clothes – helenz). Dean says Walt opened an account in Deans name when Dean was just starting his career. Women adored him (I heard Vi say this 2) (8/11/03. According to Dean, if girls wanted to go out with Walt, they had to go to Darwin first, because that was where the queue started – helenz) & wherever he went visiting escorts would be arranged. Thats about as much as I know. I was surprised 2 note on the death certificate th@ Vi is recorded as marrying Noel, Hs dad, @ 60 so I asked H 2 write an explanation 2 put in with these notes. Here it is : (Mum and Walt Wills were divorced and Mum married Dad. However, it turned out that the Decree Assoluta had never been issued (Mum had the Decree Nisi), so technically she & dad were not married, and she was a bigamist! She found out when , at 60, she applied for the Old Age pension. She was extremely distressed, principally for my sake (if she and dad werent properly married, that made me illigitimate, she reasoned.) When she told me (I was already married with a child) I laughed and refused to take it seriously, because it honestly didn’t bother me. Mum was determined to set things right, so she rang Dean and asked him to put pressure on Walt (now long married to his second wife, Dot) to get the necessary paperwork done. She was very angry when Dean laughed too. However Dean rang Walt and insisted he see to the matter, threatening to tell Dot if he didn’t (Walt had met his match in his second wife). All was organized and Mum had to go to Adelaide to sign the papers. She told Dean afterwards (but not me – I heard this from Dean later) that on the day Walt was coming over to her sister Flo’s place where she always stayed when in Adelaide, she was waiting out the front for him “swinging on the gate like a teenager”. So she retreated to the porch and when he arrived, she said “he smiled at me with that crooked grin and said ‘I never did get to kiss you goodbye, did I 14

sweetheart?’ and if he’d said to me, lets run away to Queensland I would have.” It seems she never really got over him. When I was looking for the copy of her will she kept in her special “documents” bag just after she died, I found an envelope with Walt’s yellowed death notices cut from the Adelaide papers in it. Aunty Flo must have sent them. Dean told me that Mum said she’d always been in love with Walt. When Dean rang her to tell her Walt had died, he said “Ive got some bad news sweetheart”, to which she replied “Walt’s dead, isnt he? Ill ring you back” and hung up. She obviously took it quite hard. ) …7.20. Am drinking the pea & ham soup again. Was away from 5.30 – 7.00. The track goes 2 what used 2 b a pumping station 4 groundwater & a pipe is buried going back along it 2 the station which must b only a few ks away @ the Poon-carie/Darnick road. It must have an alternate source of water now. Incidentlly yesterday evenings walk, short as it was, stirred up me ribs so they were aching when I went 2 bed. OK by morning but. Surprising how few birds Im seeing here considering the parklike appearance of the country. Each night xcept yesterday Ive been hooted 2 sleep by a boobook owl (Ninox novaeseelandiae) with the addition of a tawny frogmouth (Podargus strigoides) @ Soapworks Beach. 2night Im going 2 bed 2 the chirping of crickets.

Sunday 2/11/03. I am putting in Hs outline of the funeral service held @ the Le Pine funeral chapel in Ivanhoe consisting of her memories of Vi & cues 4 readings of biblical excerpts by Ben, Joe, Kate, &

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herself which Ill include in the journal in full in the correct order over the next days : We have come together here to express love and appreciation for our mother and grandmother and to bear witness to the final stage of her journey. There are some who cannot be here, but whose thoughts and love are with us – John’s mother Elena and sisters Rasa and Egle, mum’s nephew Frank and his wife Roma, Bruce, Vanessa, Lucas, Mark and his family, Rachel and Rebecca and her family, Michael and Dan. John has known mum for 40 years and begins this commemoration with his tribute. John I also wish to speak of mum. The readings which follow speak to me of her and reflect in some way her life’s purpose and meaning. Mum was not conventionally religious but she had a deep faith in God. Every night of my childhood she sat on the end of my bed to say her prayers – “prayers” is misleading, she simply talked to God, telling him off when she felt the need, thanking him when things were going well, asking for help for various members of the family when they weren’t, and for herself only the strength to bear things when disaster struck. Sometimes she was so vehement in her conversations with him that my bed actually shook. During her time at Bodalla she started to go to mass (both Catholic and Anglican – she joked that there was nothing else on during Tuesday afternoons and it filled in the time) and struck up a friendship with both the priest and the minister, of whom she asked difficult questions, and with whom she enjoyed some laughs. She received extreme unction a week before her death and was glad. She did not fear death and believed in an afterlife where loved ones were reunited. Ben will now read the 23rd Psalm from the Book of Psalms. Ben The thing that most amazed me about mum was her capacity to make friends – she did it effortlessly wherever she went. People were drawn to her. “I love people” she used to say, and “You’ve got to be a friend to have a friend”. She didn’t have much time for politicians, big-wigs, toffee-noses, do-gooders, the aristocracy or pomp and ceremony. Her Irishness contributed to that, as did her childhood experiences of living in the West End of Adelaide, and seeing the bailiffs evict families who couldn’t pay their rent during the depression. Though we know she could be obstinate and opinionated, and didn’t suffer fools gladly, she was always a kind, compassionate defender of the underdog. When we lived at Ebony Parade, she was the person the neighbours came to in emergencies – to deliver a baby who turned up unexpectedly, to look after toddlers while their mothers were in hospital (once we had one for a month, and another one for 3 weeks), to be a sympathetic listener when husbands played up, to lend money, sugar, tea, bread, cigarettes when they had run out, to take up hems, sew on buttons, patch holes in trousers or jumpers, knit baby jackets, make dolls, sit with invalids, make people feel better by simply being with her. When I was in my final year of high school one of the first overseas Chinese students in Victoria enrolled. He was miserable, lonely and isolated, boarding at a house with an elderly landlord. Mum “adopted” Alfred, and he came every weekend and most school holidays for two years to eat at her table, bask in her warmth and laugh at her jokes. Once he showed her a photograph of some old temple in Hong Kong and she said that it was a picture of her – “an old ruin”. That’s how 16

he referred to her after that – “You are my friend, old ruin”. At Bodalla, she won hearts among the staff, other residents and the residents’ relatives because she was unfailingly positive, smiled easily and often and cracked them up with marvellous one-liners. (When the physio suggested a daily exercise plan, she said she already did exercises. “Oh, what do you do?” “I blink and I breathe and that’s enough.” One of the staff told me that it was routinely asked in the staff tea-room : “What did Vi say today?”) Joseph will read The Beatitudes, from the Gospel according to Matthew. Joe If there was only one word left in the language to describe mum, one word to capture the essence, it has to be love. Love caused her so much pain at times – when she was separated from Dean and Verna, when her beloved mum died at 56 (“too young, I didn’t have enough of her”), when Verna died, when Michael suffered his mental illness. But it gave her her reason for living too, and the greatest satisfactions of her life : her reuniting with Dean and the way her Sydney family welcomed her and enfolded her into their lives gave her absolution for what she felt was the most grievous fault of her life ( the day the clan visited last year was, she said, “a perfect day”); the joy she got from being intimately involved with her Melbourne grandchildren gave her, she often told me, “the best time of my life.” She loved unconditionally and unstintingly and stored up a treasure of anecdotes and memories she delighted in telling everyone, proving how intelligent, charming, beautiful, and unique her kids were. “I wouldn’t care if they didn’t love me”, she used to say, “I love them enough for all of us.” Throughout my life, I always knew mum would be there when I needed her, that she would do whatever I asked of her, that she loved me completely whatever my faults. I will miss laughing and crying with her, listening to her voice, seeing her face, watching her quick always busy hands knit or sew or polish brass or peel potatoes or catch hold of a child for a hug and a kiss. Kate will read from Paul’s letter to the Corinthians Kate In the morning of Friday the 10th of October 2003, Violet Josephine Dryburgh ended her life’s journey. In the afternoon, Emma Jane Violet Choi, mum’s great great granddaughter, began hers. So the circle is unbroken. Life in all its joy, pain and mystery continues. The final reading, to conclude this memorial, is from Ecclesiastes. Helen. 14/10/03. … What I had called the Pooncarie/Darnick rd is called Ivanhoe road according 2 the sign @ the T intersection. It reads : 32ks Darnick, 197 Balranald, 201 Buronga, 98 Pooncarie. There were feral goats about (as on the previous property) which some people dont associate with fl@ country. The station @ the intersection is called ‘C-Lake’. 44ks further I passed the turnoff 2 Mungo 68ks away which reminded me, honey, of the time about 27 years ago I suppose it was when we rounded this corner in the V8 Falcon in the rain on our way from Mungo 2 Pooncarie. Michael & Kate were with us then & as the rain got heavier I was finding it harder & harder 2 hold the road surface as even the slightest deviation off the exact centre had me sliding sideways but we managed 2 keep going 4 quite a while b4 we found a slightly less slippery bit & got off it & in2 the mallee. (8/11/03. I remem-ber it well. We actually slid off the road at last and the car came to rest at quite an angle in the shallow gutter on the edge and we were pulle d out later in the day a bit too suddenly 17

by a bloke in a 4 wheel drive who was slightly drunk and showing off his clever carhelenz.) Weve got a foto of the spot among huge clumps of spinifex. Th@ was when I got a fire going in the drizzle after the rain stopped with u & the kids supplying me with a conveyor supply of twigs & dry bark from under stumps etc. I still cant under-st& how we did it. We finally got a great fire hot enough 2 b able 2 keep it going with wet wood. Next day we drove in2 Pooncarie which u wouldnt recognise now. I ddnt. There is a sealed road from Mild-ura (& mayb the1 2 Menindee is 2 but I ddnt check), mown picnic & BBQ areas, modern houses some of brick & some with solar electricity. Its an ordinary country town. There is a toilet block with hot/cold showers & I wouldve had 1 if the hot water had been working. When I went 4 a crap I found I couldnt get in2 the cubicle as some prankster had bolted the door from the inside. No doubt a kid who crawled out under the door. I couldnt do anything about it bcoz my ribs rnt in good enough nick 4 me 2 do stuff like climb over or crawl under (8/11/03. howd ya b if some1 came in just as u were ½ way under). Luckily there was a family having lunch @ a trestle table & I asked them 2 keep nit while I used the womens block which u may b interested 2 know has better amenities than the mens having 2 toilets instead of 1, a larger mirror, & a much larger wash basin with a bit of soap so I was able 2 wash me h&s & face but not have a shower as theirs wasnt working either. Got petrol & 2 tomatoes & an onion @ the general store. Found a yard with no1 home whch had a loquat tree loaded with fruit just ready 2 pick. Heaps of fruit was lying on the ground & there was 2 much on the tree 4 even the local birds 2 spoil so I loaded up a bag 2 add 2 my supplies. Theyre delicious & I was eating them like peanuts as I was driving along but I think I picked more than Ill b able 2 consume. Thats australia 4 u – l& of plenty. I crossed the Darling @ Pooncarie & continued on the dirt road going north along the west side with the help of 2 stubbies of beer. It is called the alternative Broken Hill road. Ill turn off it 2morrow 18ks north of here heading west again 2wards Coombah Roadhouse & then in2 the country west of the Silver City Highway (which connects Broken Hill 2 Mildura). Im about 4ks off the road. Ive come here on what looks like a rarely used station track but its in good condition so I hope I dont get sprung. Its beautiful country typical of the Ana-Branch area of the Darling river but I cant b bothered describing it. U probably remember this kind of country anyway. Taking some loquats & going 4 a stroll (4.20) …(7.15) Was back @ 6.50. Wont describe the walk. U cant get an idea no m@er what I say unless u have been here bcoz I cant think of any other place 2 compare it with. It was beaut though & I saw heaps of birds including a dead wedge tail in 1 of the lake (all dry) outflow channels. Instead I want 2 switch 2 a completely different topic 2 lay the groundwork 4 a commnt I want 2 pass in a few days on the bible xcerpt Kate read out @ the funeral. Let us say th@ 1 night I saw myself lying asleep in bed from directly above as if I was plastered 2 the ceiling of my bedroom. I think youve guessed already it was an out-of-body xperience. Then the very next night I again saw myself from xactly the same vantage but it was only a dream. Since both cases r described in the same language how can I convince u 1 was a dream & the other not? How can I know myself? G.E.Moore, 1 of whose xamples of common sense knowledge was knowing when u r awake (unlike the chinese sage who thought he might b a thoughtful butterfly) might answer th@ some things u simply know. But I suspect he wasnt subject 2 the kinds of borderline xperiences (between waking & sleeping?) 2 whch I am. Also he probably had no knowledge of xperiences whch r more vvid & compelling than in daily life of the kind which r sometimes induced by drugs. 1 of his common sense certainties, th@ u can b sure u have never been far from the surface of the earth, has already been invalidated by space trav-el as its possible u could have been taken in2 space & back while anaesthetised. Anyway if I told an audience of my own out-of-body xperiences I couldnt object if some of them wanted proof 4 after all getting right our of your body is a terrific achievement which most would grant puts me in some auth-ority over those who cant do it. Mayb they could watch 1 night 2 c if they spotted a vague outline of the part of me that got out against the ceiling but if they ddnt I could explain th@ I had just had 1 of them but as the term implies the body remains on the bed & its only the invisible me th@ gets out & watches from the top. If they were still sceptical then I might demonstrate what I can do in front of the entire lecture hall (or congregation) by slowly rising in2 the air. This method might b called validation by levitation. It still wouldnt show I could get out of me body but it would show I could make myself lighter than air & it 18

might do. @ least it would prove I could do marvellous things & ddnt need 2 prtend I had had an outof- body xperience instead of an ordinary dream like any1 else just 2 pull rank. Miracles have their problems however. Wittgensteins deniable propositions become useless, science 2 slow by comparison, & the world 2 chaotic a place 2 live in unless they r so rare there is no chance u r ever going 2 c 1 4 yourself. Similar considerations apply also 2 visions. Monday 3/11/03. When I was coming back yesterday evening with the sun @ my back highlighting an occasional flock of budgerigars on a dead branch like brilliant green leaves or feeding on the ground with crimson chats (very numerous here) mixed among them I was overcome by a sense of almost physical (it was when u think of it) yearning & memory of the way I have seen these lakes & channels when theyve been full of water. How the numbers of budgerigars would explode if it happened again. & the feral pigs I suppose & the lignum turn lush & green. All the drying scrub in the depressions would turn in2 swamp & fill with countless water birds, tortoises & fish. Ive seen it like th@ 4 this was the part of the inl& I 1st fell in love with. It may not happen again. The amount of water being diverted away 4 irrigation in the upper reaches of the Darling never stops increasing. 4 it 2 return 2 the way it was the lakes need 2 b filled 4 several years @ a time & even then it happened only rarely. (9/11/03. I notice now th@ the following passage was also in George Joosts funeral service): The Book of Psalms – Psalm 23 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want He maketh me to lie down in green pastures : he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul : he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil : for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies : thou anointeth my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life : and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. I thought it was appropriate it was Ben who read it bcoz I feel th@ of our kids he is the 1 with the largest capacity 2 b soothed by the beauty of the natural environment. When he was little he would sometimes spot small snakes of unusual variety whch I had walked past without noticing. (9/11/03. He also had a long-standing affinity to stumpy-tailed lizards, which he always noticed and wanted to handle – helenz.) I hope he gets the opportunities 2 b calmed @ nights in a tent or van as I was last night. I was given all this without having deserved it – 4 free. The psalms were 4 awhile my favourite reading & I suppose this is the most famous of them. I doubt though if Vi would have aspired 2 being a herbivore, grazing in green pastures. She liked 2 talk 2 much. But I share its sentiments & expect 1 day 2 b freed of language … (driving along @ 50ks/hour spitting loquat pips out the window) ….5.00. It was about 16ks northwards b4 I could turn west again @ the sign saying Cothero 20. B4 u get to it there r some xcellent spots u can pull up @ away from the road on the banks of the river where the road runs close 2 the Darling. As soon as I turned west it felt like a case of déjà vu. The track looked barely used, once a month I reckon, & of the kind where @ any moment u might find s& or a washout & have 2 turn back. It reminded me of how a lot of tracks I used 2 drive on 30 years ago had been. About 10ks of it had grass & shrubs down the centre which brushed against the bottom of the van. I wanted 2 stop @ Cothero bcoz I had been there 4 directions some 35 or more years ago & had been amazed @ the sight of the masses of flowering hybrid gaza-nias surrounding the homestead & seemingly acclimatized. These r the flowers which r such a feature along the roadsides of towns like Morgan & Mildura in the s&y country. Mr L.A. Crozier (Cuthero Stn, Via Wentworth. NSW 2648.) who was the only 1 around when I drove in tells me he thinks they might b called african daisies. I explained 2 him th@ in my memory the 1s around his house were the 1st I had seen & now they roll over south east australia & have even reached the outskirts of Melbourne. 19

He says when some1 gave him the seeds he had never seen them either. Then he tried 2 grow a paddock of them as horses, sheep & cattle all love it but they ddnt take. He has seen them in south africa 2. I told him I had met the guy whose great gr&father (or great, great or something) who had been a coachman 2 the Austin family in western Victoria had been the person who had picked up the 1st consignment of bunnies @ the Melbourne docks. Anyway, Mr Crozier (in his 70s or 80s Id say; in an hour of yarning we had neglected 2 exchange 1st names) is not responsible 4 introducing the african daisy but he may well b an early link in the chain. Me & H think they look great. He (gave him a couple of old pieces of mine & promised 2 send this 1) drew my @ention 2 some largish honeyeaters whch he never sees in the yard or in the district until the bottle brush & the silky oak in the yard start blooming. I xplained they were blue-faced honeyeaters (Entomyzon cyanotis) & outside their range but now Im wondering if they werent little friarbirds (Philemon citreogularis). I wish I had looked more carefully. He was wondering how they knew 2 find his yard @ the same time every year. I suggested it may b the same group which had 1st memorized the location though none of the original birds were left. Its hard 2 imagine how else nomadic birds could perform the feat. Apparently tribes of elephants can learn intricate migration routes a memory of whch is retained by a smaller group within it consisting of the matriarchs who pass the knowledge on from generation 2 generation. It would make sense as young elephants r dependent on their mothers 4 a long time. According to old man Crozier when a single sheep is separated from its flock it has difficulty finding its normal watering points. He also told me, Im not sure why, th@ Hazel Hawke who has just been diagnosed with altzheimers is giving a talk on the telly 2night so I told him about a relative of Margaret, Deans wife. She told me after Vis funeral she had known a woman with altzheimers who had been prevented by doctors from dying of pneumonia a dozen or more times. From there I drove through Popio (where I got lost 4 awhile & needed directions) 2 cross the highway @ Coombah where I filled up with petrol. The idea of travelling due west all the way 2 Burra along secondary tracks & minor roads really appealed but after getting 30ks along the track 2wards Terranania station I got bogged in windblown s& crossing a bit of a dune in some mallee & barely managed 2 reverse back down the rise without getting bogged again. Im in no hurry 2 get anywhere & dont like the notion of pushing 2wards a destination as if its more important than the journey so I took it as a sign I should turn back. I might have made it over with more of a run @ it on a 2nd @empt but then I might have come 2 deeper s& further along. So I am back about 10ks parked 4 the night on the shore of the dry lake Woolcunda. Going 4 a stroll, then a mug of coffee & 2 bed. Oh yes, forgot 2 mention earlier : initially I had thought I had missed Cothero or it was no longer there bcoz I had gone 25ks or more from the sign saying Cothero 20 but it was an old sign in miles. U got 2 b careful in these parts …. I have a prickly companion – an echidna about 20 yards away. It hasnt seen me yet. Its heading this way. Tuesday 4/11/03. As Vi was dying a news item appeared claiming the pope was dying. Cardinal Ratzinger (?) asked the catholics of the world 2 pray 4 him. What would they b praying 4? – that he die quicker or slower? As far as getting in I would have thought he already had a gold pass. He is infallible in a dozen languages & probably wrote the catechism so should b able 2 answer any awkward questions. Why should they worry about him? Dont they have enough of their own dying from poverty & disease (most of the catholics r in south america & other poor countries) without being asked 2 pay @ention 2 the supreme pontificator? I doubt if any1 would have thought 2 pray 4 Vi or she expect them 2. I ddnt but then I only pray under duress (& when I thank 2). Suppose though I was a prayful, churchgoing type. What could I say? Could I say god should it b true as the jehovas say there r only 144000 places up there & if they r already taken up please delete 1 of the witnesses 2 let Vi in? She had her faults but she was so good 2 our kids. Or dear god in case your @ention is taken up by all those catholics praying 4 the pope please remember Vi in the nursing home. If they take her 2 hospital @ the last moment theyll restart her heart with electric shocks & shell die from gangrene in the legs. (There r pink cockatoos (Cacatua leadbeateri) about) Who am I, indulged in every whim, 2 pray 4 her? & she wouldnt have asked. Who am I 2 reason with god? @ the funeral the beatitudes according 2 Matthew were read by Joe. He used 2 say he was a buddhist & read up on their books but I dont know if he still does. 20

The Gospel according to St Matthew Chapter 5 Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven Blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth Blessed are they who hunger and thirst after righteousness for they shall be filled Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the children of God. When she was preparing the service H told me she was picking out passages she felt were appropriate 4 Vi. (9/11/03. I actually said passages that spoke to me of mum – helenz) This is part of the same 1 Dennis read out @ George Joosts service. I suppose some1 felt it was true 4 him 2. She took it from the bible Ron Heatherington (who lived (& slept with) deformed people & alcoholics & was in trouble with the law 4 living off other peoples social welfare) gave me after a lift from Broken Hill 2 Benalla where he dropped me off in the middle of the night where I slept with it in my pocket under a bridge. Im not sure how well these apply 2 Vi. The 1st 1 ddnt make sense 2 me till I checked it out in ‘Good News Australia’ (which is the 1 I now have on the dashboard) where its wri-ten as : happy are those who know they are spiritually poor. My impression was she fancied she had a degree of moral xcellence or perhaps xperience whch set her aside a bit. I think its how she was seen by her neighbours in West Heidelberg. Perhaps it applies 2 the guilt (well hidden & unjustified as she ddnt have the money) she felt all her life @ not having reared her 1st 2 children. It may b it prevented her from leaving Noel in case the circumstances were repeated with H. (Perhaps it refers to her deeply felt idea that she just might end up “down there”.) The 2nd1 doesnt seem 2 apply very well either. I interpret the word ‘mourn’ 2 describe some1 wearing a veil with a sad look sitting in a pew in a church, or joining a convent. Vis manner was sunny & energetic, she made witty remarks. Mayb though there was a stool in a shadowy place where she sat some-times out of sight. (Can’t you mourn deeply for 2 lost children and a multitude of lost opportunities even while you put on a happy face?) The 3rd doesnt apply @ all. Id give her 0/10 4 it. When I think of ‘meek’ I think of David Copperfield holding the bowl or a special style of begging adopted by some druggies. Vi was nothing like it. When she finally did get an opp-ortunity 2 take a small part in community life (in West Heidelberg) she was a natural leader njoying the exercise of a bit of authority. Meekness isnt an attribute any of us believe in anymore. U should c some of the resumes written by job applicants th@ H has shown me. (I always thought of the meek as the downtrodden – the ones who arent born to wealth and privilege, who have to struggle to make ends meet and make the daily effort to keep trying ). The 4th, hungering & thirsting 4 righteousness sounds more like Joe Bjelke Petersen & come 2 think of it she was a fan. He (& Pauline Hansen) was such a hit with the oldies. (Mum was always sure there was a god – she was often shocked at my lack of faith ). The 5th beatitude doesnt apply. Only the powerful get the opportunity 2 show how merciful they r. (There are small mercies, too – kindness, generousity, patience – given freely without expectation of reward or acknowledgement) I cant say anything about the 6th . Don’t even know what it means. (Perhaps those who have no malice aforethought?) The 7th is about peacemakers & I think of Bob Hawke & consensus politics, getting every1 2 sit round the table with their ambit claims, negotiating positions, bottom lines etc. Or of Henry Kissinger & shuttle diplomacy. Cant imagine her in the company. (Like small mercies, there may be small peaces – letting your kids find some stability or permanence by letting them go). I think you have 2 agree the total score out of 7 X 10 is not very high … 5.30. Ive got an entire homestead 2 myself. Its called Tararra & is part of the Scotia Wildlife Sanctuary whose reception centre is 10ks away in an area behind a high electrified fence & remote controlled security gates. It is 1 of 12 sanctuaries covering 1½ million acres in total belonging 2 a private non profit organization called Australian Wildlife Concervancy (AWC). It is ddicated 2 the conservation of threatened species (5 of which r being bred 21

4 release here ) by putting them in protected areas after complete eradication of feral species (fox, cat, rabbit). @ 8000 hectares this is going 2 b the largest enclosed pest free area in australia. For funding the organization depends on donations, bequests, shareholders & visit-ors in the very impressive br& new buildings inside the enclosure where I was told this in4mation & provided with liter@ure by Michelle Connell (Scotia Sanctuary via Wentworth NSW 2648) who must get very lonely here sometimes in such a remote outpost with only the manager 4 company it seem-ed. She suggested I spend the night here @ the homestead where Im all by myself after I declined the use of their ultra modern facilities in the compound. Ive got an xcellent tennis court & 4 tennis racquets but am unable 2 play both ends @ the same time. Ive got hot & cold showers but havent managed 2 work out how 2 turn on the water (after stripping off in anticipation) in them but did man-age 2 turn it on in the wash basin so Ive washed me face, h&s & brushed me teeth. Im under the shade of a largish gum @ the front of the main house. Its a beautiful setting. Im off 2 do a signposted nature walk whch it says takes about 90 minutes….. Had 2 ab&on it & retrace my path after ½ an hour as I lost the track. This venture is br& new & my footprints were the only 1s on the track whch winds unobtrusively 2 the point of vanishing in the evening light with shadows slanting across it. I had only taken the nature notes not having bothered 2 even look @ the larger map 2 verify general direc-tions so I went back while I still could c my footprints. A benefit of travelling without a set itinerary is th@ u bcome subject 2 unexpected, beaut events such as my present situation. After returning 2 Coombah this morning I topped up with petrol again & drove south along the highway the 40ks 2 the turnoff west past Springwood station. The 1st major intersection is 24ks further where the distances to Renmark, Pooncarie & in this direction r given in miles. Then I drove this way intending 2 get on2 the Broken Hill - Burra road by going through Lock Lilly station. The track looked dubious & I passed a DRIFT SAND sign. The occasional sign 2 Scotia Conservation Reserve looked br& new but I ddnt know what it might mean. 19ks further I stopped 2 make enquiries @ Nanya homestead but found it no longer in use though the water was still on. I had a meal there & inspected the building & shearing sheds. I would have returned there 4 2night if I hadnt been generously offered this whch despite the conveniences is just as private. Scotia Reserve is 14ks past Nanya & Tararra about 10ks 2 the south. Nanya is also being turned in2 a conservation project by a university. 2gether with the large Dangali Conservation Park across the border in SA these places r all joined in2 a very large continuous conservation zone whch most people r totally unaware of. Its a discovery 4 me. I reckon the Scotia venture deserves 2 b supported & so does Sir David Attenborough. He reckons its vitally important not only 4 australia but 4 the planet. Goodnight.

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Wednesday 5/11/03. When Kate came over having been given the 3rd epistle (known as letter in the ozzie version) of Paul 2 the Corinthians (ch.13) by H a couple of days earlier she remarked “who is this? what he says is the opposite 2 me”. I dont know if she thinks about religion @ all. I think she used 2 b a feminist, mayb is now. The Third Epistle of Paul the Apostle to the Corinthians Chapter 13 Though I speak with the tongues of men and angels, and have not love, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not love, it profit me nothing. Love suffers long, and is kind; love envies not; love vaunts not itself, is not puffed up, does not behave itself unseemly, seeks not her own, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil; rejoices not in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails : but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away. For we know in part, and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away. For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face : now I know in part, but then I shall know even as also I am known. And now abideth faith, hope, love, these three : but the greatest of these is love. Lev Shestov has quoted from the passage; I have, repeating Shestov; I think Wittgenstein brought it 2 the @ention of Drury. The meaning of most of it might b indicated by a line from Goethes Faust admired by Wittgenstein : ‘in the beginning is the deed’. Wittgenstein disliked the gospel by John claiming he couldnt underst& the language. I also have been inclined 2 take Wittgensteins view & have enjoyed unearthing the strategies (actions) obscured by words. I have wanted 2 reveal the infants cry preceding the childs language & the adults literature. But the cry isnt the same as the language otherwise there would b no need 4 words. In language where the meaning of every word is learnt through practice we r joined with others in a new & extraordinarily intricate way. We cannot know where the process is taking us or where it will end. It may b th@ in the way a tree already existed in the seed, or a man in his DNA, the end is already present in the beginning as ‘in the beginning was the word’. I am mindful th@ John was reputed 2 b the nazarenes favourite. But it is the last part of the passage I want 2 comment on because consistent with what came earlier Paul demonstrates a disrespect 4 language by the way he uses it. He makes the claim th@ we know in part but will know in whole even as we r known. If Paul is 1 of us (he calls his congregation ‘friends’) then like us by his own admission he can only know in part. 2 make the added assertion he would need 2 b speaking from a region (perspective, larger domain, distance) from which he can pass comment on how he sees god seeing in whole how we r seeing only in part. The hubris implied in the comment is breathtaking, typical of Paul, & inherited by the church hierarchy. If we know only in part we do not know what it even means 2 talk about knowing in whole. Meaning is hard earnt so if I were 2 accept Pauls statement I would b doing nothing. I reject it bcoz it is meaningless & out of h& bcoz it disguises a preposterous impertinence. Pauls views & claims (very legalistic in style I note elsewhere) were 23

4med by his xperience on the road to Damascus. We should b careful of the claims of visionaries. It is in the nature of xceptional xperience th@ its rarity makes it difficult 4 meaningful language 2 b practiced. Without shared meaning we do not know how 2 describe it or 2 interpret it 4 ourselves. The temptation is 2 retrospectively mbroider & overreach .…Its not 2 say th@ u r lying. Interpretation is of necessity reductionist always mired in a past @ the mercy of a revisionist present… drove back 2 the reception centre in the feral free 4tress bhind the electrified fence & the automatic doors. I wanted 2 thank Michelle 4 having put me up 4 free & 2 donate $10 in xchange 4 a hot shower whch she would have provided if I asked 4 free anyway. I suspect everything is by donation @ Scotia. I made it bcoz reverse psychology works on me : if u dont ask I pay, if u do I try not 2. Then out through the other automatic gate past the sign with the picture of the numbat & bilby & into free australia with the goats & the other introduced pests. Should the venture fail the facility could b sold 2 the correctional services as its isolated location & secure perimeters would make it an excellent detention centre 4 illegal immigrants & potential terrorists. There is an anomaly in it : u reintroduce in2 the nvironment little animals which r almost impossible 2 spot @ the price of establishing a major infrastructure which is a visually stark intrusion in2 the natural surroundings & depends on the kind of economy responsible 4 their destruction. What else would u expect from the introduced europeans that we r. @ the same time as we r destroying the world with our technologies we will be congratulating ourselves 4 saving bits of it. It seems hopeless. Michelle told me the manager (there is @ least 1 other woman on the staff 2) said the road 2 Lock Lilly is 4x4 though he has no problems driving it in an ordinary car. Th@ settled it 4 me as a big blow 1½ weeks ago has put new s& on all the tracks in the area so I headed back the way I had come 2 the crossroad (“corner” she called it) 25ks back where the signs r in miles, the 1 2 Renmark reading 80. Thats the road Ive taken & pulled in 4 a nap 68ks short of Renmark where it meets the inland road whch connects it 2 Wentworth … 4.45. Im only 10ks further about a k off the main road stopped 4 a snack …. Changed me mind & drove on 2 Renmark where I checked the message bank. 1 was from Mykolas, left last Friday, telling me (as per agreement) there was a meal of kugelis on @ litho house on the sunday. The other was a surprise message from Andrew S saying no.3 baby hasnt arrived yet & wishing me well out in the backblocks (he knew from H). Rang H @ home & caught her b4 she was leaving 2 go out with Kate. She had expected me 2 b away 4 up 2 a month but I told her the writing was as good as finished so I would b back on friday & would b riding me bike 2 the Bocadillo as usual. Me ribs r better all the time. Im sitting on the back bumper under the tail gate on a warm night @ 8.35 pm & there r no mozzies. Im gunna get drunk. I had 2 stubbies after Loxton & bought another 2 @ Murrayville 5ks back. Between Renmark & Loxton the air was redolent with perfumes of flowering trees, especially orange. I can hear an owlet nightjar (Aegotheles cristatus). Its still. The smell of the grass crushed where I drove in over it is a contrast 2 the perfumes of the riverl&. Thursday 6/11/03. The funeral tied up some loose ends but also produces new 1s. I prefer the word disengagement 2 closure. In closure u put outside & shut the door. (9/11/03. You also use a horrible piece of american psychobabble – helenz.) When u disengage u can retain @ a distance. I hadnt known how Vi had prayed or th@ she had accepted the last rites. It made the religious tone (but Im glad there was no music – I dont think I could have stomached it) of the ceremony H, a non-believer, had devised more underst&able. I dont think I would have liked 2 have been in Noels shoes married 4 a lifetime 2 a woman 4 whom even @ your very best u could only ever b a 2nd best. I grieve 4 him. I was away on a trip 2 Thurra river in Gippsland when he died & it hasnt occurred 2 me 2 ask what kind of funeral it was or if H had organized th@ ceremony also. He was buried by the Gianarelli brothers & I remember being surprised @ how little it had cost. He woul-dnt have wanted it differently. During their marriage Vi had known how 2 rub in his 2ndary status but perhaps he had deserved it. Hs characterization of her by the single word love is seen by me in the context of having had an altercation with her from whch our relationship was unable 2 fully recover. I grieve 4 Vi bcoz I think she would have liked 2 fly & could have but was always grounded by circumstances. Its interesting how the clergymen get in on the act @ critical moments : birth, marriage, sex, death. They know where youre vulnerable but its a mutual arrangement. These r the m@ers people recognize as pivotal & in whch they ask 2 b guided (7/11/03. they yearn 4 endorsement). If its not the 24

church whch does it then its going 2 b the state whch delegates the task 2 lawyers, doctors, accountants & experts whom it can control more easily by owning the franchise. But churchmen r very easily controllable these days too unless theyre muslims. Their silence on critical issues where it counts but 2 speak up would endanger privileges is thunderous. I wonder what Id do about a funeral if H died. Id never thought of the possibility having already outlived my expectations. If I asked shed say dont b morbid, who cares. I think Id do nothing. Mayb go on a trip & sit on a pier with a stubby somewhere on the Eyre peninsula. Kate would say Ill organize it what do u want done dad & Id say suit yourself. Rasas view is th@ my mum would like a large ‘community’ burial along the lines my father had (9/11/03. but perhaps she thinks so bcoz its what she herself would xpect). @ least Id come 2 the wake in case her & Egle needed support. No kind of funeral service would have salvaged his death. He died @ the wrong time (around 50+) 2 have had a chance 2 benefit from the friendship of a son as I was still @ an age of ‘sturm und drang’ & not easy 2 get on with. He was a person who had found it difficult 2 cope with dislocation & when he finally got his electronics diploma @ RMIT & his law subject from Melbourne uni & was beginning 2 settle in2 a job as a patents examiner whch he found 2 his surprise suited him just right – he died. & it was a difficult death with much misdiagnosis & cutting edge medical experimentation. In the end it turned out 2 b bone cancer & his illness was unforgiving & long. 1 thing I realized after Vis funeral is that I dont want 2 b incinerated & I make the request 2 any1 2 whom it might concern. I would like 2 know now so my last conscious moments r not distracted by thoughts of fire. Bury me in a ditch (10/10/03. so I can look after me worm farm). (9.30 Danyo reserve) → Underbool (turned right on2 the Patchewollock road) → Hopetoun (hmbrgr & coffee & read the Age : great speech by Ashrawi; mayb a good movie (11/11/03. saw it yesterday – it was OK) about south african protest songs coming up) → Wycheproof (2 stubbies) → Boort (a meal by the salt pans) → (found a terrific spot 2 spend a night on the Loddon weir about 40ks south east of Boort but it was already taken by a guy on a 3 wheel bike) → Mitiamo (2 stubbies) → Terrick Terrick National Park. Friday 7/11/03. I am finishing off what is probably the last piece Im putting out 4 the year (& mayb permanently since I never know whether Ill b writing another 1) with the passage H read out 2 end the funeral ceremony. Immedi@ely aftewards the coffin was carried by Tony (Tony & Sandra with infant Elvira had come unexpectedly but they r family), Joe, Ben & Dean 2 the hearse. Then me, Joe, Margaret, Sandra & Tony went back 2 the house while the rest accompanied the coffin 2 the crematorium in Fawkner where the actual incineration took only about 10 minutes. When they returned we spent a very convivial afternoon reminiscing about Vi. Dean in particular had good stories 2 tell about her & Walts early years & his own childhood whch H hadnt heard b4. Ecclesiastes chapter 3 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven: A time to be born and a time to die A time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted A time to wound and a time to heal A time to break down and a time to build up A time to weep and a time to laugh A time to mourn and a time to dance A time to cast away stones and a time to gather stones together A time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing A time to get and a time to lose A time to keep and a time to cast away A time to rend and a time to sew A time to keep silence and a time to speak A time to love and a time to hate A time of war and a time of peace 25

All go unto one place; all are of the dust, and all turn to dust again.

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