Adulterers Anonymous - Lydia Lunch.pdf

;

fi-:-

A^^^

^#r :>i, 4A-^>:i:826

^

Adulterers

^

Adulterers Lydia Lunch

Grove Press,

and Exene Cervenka

Inc. /

New York

4

9

Copyright © 1 982 by Lydia Lunch and Exene Cervenka

All

Rights Reserved

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored system, or transmitted

in

in

a retrieval

any form, by any means, including

electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise,

without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data

Lunch, Lydia. Adulterers anonymous.

I.

Cervenka, Exene.

II.

Title.

PS3562.U475A651982

811'.54'08

82-48019

ISBN 0-394-6241 2-2 (pbk.)

First

Evergreen Edition

First Printing

1

982

1982

ISBN: 0-394-6241 2-2 Library of

Congress Catalog Card Number: 82-4801

Manufactured

in

the United States of America

GROVE PRESS, INC., 1 96 West Houston Street, New York, N.Y.I 001

The text of Aduflefers Anonymoiis is set in toro typ^ac»Sw TlMS tyoe^ace he(vetica,imficalesttiewrilingofExeneCerM€nka. ~- s .:- £:e TIMES ROMAN, incfcates the writing of Lyde Luncjhk.

Chapter

A MINUTE IN HEAVEN 4 A LIFE IN HELL

DO YOU THINK YOU COULD SPARE FIVE MINUTES? YOU SEE MY SPIRIT'S DEAD AND COULD BE NEXT. A VACUOUS HOLE IN THE CENTER OF MY SOUL. CAN'T MOVE FROM THE BED. I

I

CAN'T SO I DON'T. SINGLE DIGIT SOLITUDE. THE ONLY LONELY GIRL IN THE DYING OVER YOU. I

WORLD SITS BESIDE HERSELF

HOURS IN A DAY 3 WEAKS A DAY PICK AT THE SNARLS IN MY HEAD 16 MOTION PICTURES A MINUTE PEELING YOUR BRAIN OUTA MY VISION. ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL 100

I

YOUR MOUTH ON MY KNEES. CONFESSIONAL PERSECUTION. I SPILL MY GUTS WHILE YOU PUT ON YOUR RUBBERS SILVER PLATES THAT YOU EAT OFF THE SIDEWALK

TALK BACK YOU CAN'T HEAR YOU LISSEN TOO HARD THINK TOO LOUD I

I

A DICTIONARY OF DISALLUSION.

HEADED WITH A SCARLET HEART. A SOUL TO MATCH THAT'S RIPT IN TWO. TUESDAY TO TUESDAY WITH MULTIPLE WEAKENDS A MINUTE IN HEAVEN FOR A LIFE IN HELL. I'D START AT SCRATCH AND WORK MY WAY BACK. BELIEVE ME WHEN MEAN IT. YOU KNOW WHAT MEAN. SILENT

I

I

UNACCOUNTED FOR POOLS OF BLOOD IN MY BED. ASK A SIMPLE QUESTION GET NO ANSWER AT ALL. THE SPREAD RIPPING ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT OF THE FOLLOWING DAY. THERE ARE SOME THINGS TOO HORRIBLE FOR WORDS. wash smoke down with drinks, dry tears up with blood, there are some things worth refusing. THERE ARE SOME THINGS TOO INAUDIBLE FOR WORDS. AND OTHERS TOO HORRIBLE. far

from few have rested their brains at

one man's ceiling

is

another man's peephole

basement of heaven wake up the midgets they came in the attic they dug a tunnel and turned the knob on her closet door.

topanga canyon and ghost town the basement of heaven. linear

descent for a

my headstone.

living

nothing special nothing doing.

INVISIBLE

MANIAC

WITH THE GLOW IN THE DARK VOICE CALL MY NAME IT SCREAMS AND FEEDS ON THE WAY MY BLOOD CURDLES. COLDLY. IT ACHES. FROZEN.

SLAMS THE DOOR IN MY DREAMS IT REFUSES TO LISSEN TO REASON. AND IT FEEDS ON THE WAY MY FLESH CRAWLS. IT

CREEP.*

*

Dreaming w/ sound no

vision.

evenings

&

10

fall

ghostless

plain.

9/21 /81

.

Bitter

EVERYTHING IN DUE TIME. NOTHING UNTIMELY. WITH A SLIGHT INCORRECTION. COULD DIE WAITING FOREVER. SAVAGE INTENTIONS WITH NO TIME LIKE THE PRESENT. STRAPT TO THE BED LIKE LIMBO FOREVER. I

I

*

COULD DIE WAITING.*

Dedicated to John

Denney— the

only

man never got enough I

of.

11

A DULL THURSDAYS DEPARTURE. A 10 HOUR TRIAL W/A 9 HOUR DIFFERENCE. THE ONLY DAY OF THE YEAR

THAT WOULD MAKE YOU A POSSIBILITY.

12

IT

TAKES FOREVER AND A DAY.

WATCHING MY PREMATURE BURIAL NEAR COMPLETION. YOU CAST THE FINAL STONE, AS IF IT WERE ANY OTHER DAY OF THE ROTTEN YEAR. THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES. THANKS FOR NOTHING. BATTERED OUTA HELL AND INTO SOMETHING MORE FIERCE I'M

AND UNEXPLAINED.

CUT A HOLE IN MY SOUL LIKE PAPERDOLLS RAGGED. HOW SWEET THE BLOOD AS IT DRAINS FROM MY HEART AND I

INTO YOUR FIST. SPEECHLESS IN A MOMENT 10 X TOO SLOW. EVERY LAST DROP OF MY BLOOD FOR WHAT IN RETURN? (NO EXCHANGES, NO REFUNDS) I

CUT A HOLE IN MY SOUL AND SENT IT AIRMAIL YOU CREEP DORMANT, USELESS, STUPID, RAVING AND

AS

STILL

RANTING.

TAKES FOREVER LIKE IT ALREADY HAS, SAY TO THE BOY OF YOUR DREAMS? IF IT

WHAT DO YOU

13

ISOLATION DERBY ICON O CLASTIC NOTHING.

AM WHAT AM WHEN AND WHY NOT TO HAVE AND TO HOLE UP AND LOCK AWAY. I

14

I

ON A SATURDAY NIGHT. DONT KNOW WHAT TO MAKE OF YOU SO JUST MAKE FACES. REAL QUIET AND NOBODY HEARS ME. 1 1

:

15

I

I

THE MOON PARALYZES THE NIGHT TIME STOPS AND WE DIE BY THE MAKE BELIEVE FENCE IN THE BACK YARD. A YEAR AGO LAST FALL YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT

I

EXISTED. IT

DOESN'T

MAKE A DIFFERENCE THAT KNEW YOU BEFORE I

ME.

CRUSH THE BONES INTO THE VASE ON THE MANTLE.

AND WATCH THE MOON DROP.

15

A FATAL ATTRACTION ATTACK ON THE HEART HEAPED ON THE FLOOR USELESS AND WASTING AWAY UGLY A SACK OF BONES SUNK PINPRICK THRU THE FLESH WRETCHED

WEAK AND IN NEED. OH BABY LOVE IT WHEN YOU DO THAT. I

16

TRUE LOVE IN AN INSTANT LOCKED DEEP IN MY GUT. FLESH IS ITS OWN REWARD BURNS A HOLE IN MY EYE SUCKS MY SOUL THRU THE SOCKET. A MINUTE IN HEAVEN FOR A LIFE IN HELL. I'D START AT SCRATCH AND WORK MY WAY BACK. THE SILENT SCREAMING CONTINUES CONTINUES THE PERPETUAL INABILITY TO THINK STRAIGHT CONTINUES SO IN PLACE OF REASON i

cast your likeness

in ruins.

WITH AN UNCONTROLLABLE URGE TO DIE TRANSFER

MY ADDICTION. TRUE LOVE IN AN INSTANT.

17

IT'S

TIME TO

Chapter

DEATH BY HUMILIATION

AND OTHER DYSFUNCTIONS

SUFFERING LITTLE SHE-SAINT spinsterhood

widowhood adulterers anonymous housewife scratching ail

my belly,

snarled up with no place to go.

HOME IS WHERE THE HEART SLIPS. INTO MY BACK POCKET REWIND AND ERASE. PAINED ON A PLATTER. SIMPLE DISASTERS.

A FLY IN THE BUTTER SCREAMING MY NAME. IS NOTHING SACRED? NO, YOU'RE RIGHT, NOTHING IS SACRED. scaring

me with their car radios

and queer clothes, no underpants under their leather chaps. the disgusting body of manhood. widowhood, spinsterhood, sisterhood, books. neither he nor you can go. you must stay behind. girly

and he must leave. go into your closet. scaring

me was my closet and clothes that take

the shape of the disgusting body of man.

they squeal their car tires against the wall. preceded by the barking of headlights, up the wall uptheceiling across the bed. neither me and you can sleep.

verily verily

20

beer, beer and only beer. headache and gutful. still

worried about

it

but not drunk.

my ship went out without. so got sick. i

step on this kitchen garbage can pedal, up will pop a continent shaped like a pork chop.

if

i

my new home, doubt my little life, my garbage. AN IMMACULATE FILTH RITE BEHIND MY EARS. A DAY IN THE LIFE OF, WITH NO SET DIRECTION. ADVANCE AND BE NOTICED A TOKEN AFFLICTION IN DOUBT OF MY SENSES IN REGARD TO THIS MOMENT YET SOMEHOW FOREVER, NOT IN NEED OF MY SENSES. i

it.

snap and be conquered by that certain infection affecting the earth, found a fortune in vain, she was offended by my gift, her love was an obstacle, defrosted her refrigerator and flooded the kitchen, took out her trash and fanned the flies with newspaper. i

i

i

21

DEATH BY HUMILIATION.

AND OTHER DYSFUNCTIONS. UNTO THEE LEAVE MY VERY LAST WISH I

TO EXTINGUISH LIKE A CIGARETTE BELITTLED BE LEAGUERED LEFT UNBENDING

my next to last req uest nothing

like last rites

between cigarettes

"life

cold breath from a dying i'm painting the

i'm in

town

mood."*

blue.

a perpetual state

of disrepair

i'm dissolving into

despair

and wake up discouraged i

in

the hall of fame.

*RosettaA. 1981

22

women say, "how could be so stupid, i

have been so

blind,

myself?" say hello to

have

lied to

men

weak in

someone new.

BLEAK love without encouragement uptight in encino with no encouragement Illinois

the afternoon like bottle

up to tricks

somehow

appearing on

and

is

lipstains

lips

and eyestains on

pillow.

THERE COMES A POINT WHERE WE REVERSE THE FUNCTIONS FOR OUR OWN CONVENIENCE. WITH COITUS COMPLETED WE RETURNED ONCE AGAIN TO OUR NORMAL EXISTENCE.

when I

fall

i

try to

sit,

down.

when wake up i

he's gone.*

broads at night in the broad daylight blind in daylight

night blind too.

*

Under the Big Black Sun.

23

danger and danger laughs at him two part harmony descending life seen as a becoming a smashing body whose particularly mutilated head vanishes the head laughed at danger and danger laughed back. axel laughs at

EYE LEVEL TO A SNAKE'S BELLY. SLIT YOUR WRIST TO SAVE YOUR NECK. PERPETUAL AFFLICTION. PULLING ALL THE WRONG STRINGS. MY BACK SNAPS LIKE A PUPPET. INCIDENTALLY THEY'RE DEAD. 4 INA ROW. IT NEVER HAPPENS TO YOU. IT TAKES ALL KINDS. TO MAKE THE WORLD SLOW DOWN. MOUTH TO MOUTH WITH A CORPSE. CURB'S EYE VIEW, WORMING ALONG THE SIDEWALK. DRAWING FROM OUR OWN MISFORTUNES. drawing a picture of you, eyelids green with envy, hate mongers, drenched in jealousy and the inability to terminate.

24

impersonalities, left over from the dating game. everybody out of the gene pool.

invisibilities.

for a minute thought you were true! do you remember that night? let me freshen up your drink: you were helping me walk from your car back to the show. i

if it

seemed fast,

it

was fast.

wejust talked, that's i

all.

was talking to you and you were talking window to the parking lot attendant.

out the

we went back in. and you danced with other women.

then

but there was. i

had a true man. an untrue woman i

with atrue, true it was as so BE IT.

man.

if.

OFF ALL I COULD CHEW AND NEARLY CHOKED TO DEATH. EMOTIONAL INDIGESTION, mortlflcation. WE ARE OUR OWN WORST ENEMIES AND WE LIKE IT LIKE I

BIT

I

HATE THE OPPOSITION.

THAT. sterilization

without notification.

25

as the crow flies in a cage by the clear blue sea bridal veil falls

bucket of tears rusty pliers

comatose dose locked in an abandoned refrigerator in the kitchen excited by nature a black and white ghost in a black and invisible dress little

lips

spit nails

flea pit

mutual admiration society preferred customer

even

if

the evening

only cost

me a dollar

last chance alvarado fashion outpost misguided missile a blizzard in the rain deadly smokerings

misleading halls my mother's cough.

COULD BREAK DOWN THE DOOR WOULDN'T HAVE TO KNOCK. 7 TONGUED DIALECT. WOULDN't HAVE TO TALK EITHER. IF

I

I

I

26

traveling souls.

TOO ALIVE IN HERE. JUST QUIT WITH THE DETAILS. QUIET THE BED STOP SCREAMING AT ME LIKE THE FLOORBOARDS HOWLING AT ME. A FLY IN THE BUTTER SCREAMING MY NAME. MOTHWINGED TIPPED TONGUE. EVERYTHING IS OUT OF IT'S

PLACE.

EVERYTHING JUST CAME TWO STEPS TOO CLOSE. WOULD YOU BELIEVE ME IF SAID IT WAS A SECRET? WOULD YOU PROMISE NOT TO TELL? armored in case of attack, in case they come back I

and look under the bed. have never been through so much mental abuse in and I'm here tell you about my experiences have Incidences to i

i

descriptions and faces.*

'

Found on the

street.

1

981

27

my life

ruthie

ruthie

rehearse simple steps smoke dripping stocking head not too shocking post-mortem

SWAMPROT THICK THE MUCK SWALLOW THE QUICKSAND-MY SUFFOCATION GLUE THE SOULS STUCK INSIDESTUCK

IN

inhaled her

and died

in

own long hair her sleep, woke up dead.

swam prot thin. JUST TAKING A SURVEY-BUT I'M TAKING CHANCES. this isjust a rough estimate, but get out.* I'M

Get

28

real

estimates

in writing.

NO

i

was offering you the biggest piece of

pretension. invisible fingers playing

a song on the bed bars.

big lies big ones. television,

supermarkets, you, you, you and you.

barbizon school of modeling, no.

cease to exist, complaining, rooster crowing, sick

stomache all day.

magic pope nicholas, not you, me. arnette

lied.

her love

was like

an obstacle.

and then couldn't add and subtract anymore, i

for

all

the conversations were about

the cold hard facts of

life.

and nothing was said about or each other's

good

us.

faults.

some hidden tree climbing, swinging

down

hissing "is that

landing,

you?"

her

saying "yes,

it's

me."

no.

nothing you

dream about before sleep

ever happens. no.

have

lied.

29

J

in davenport, we went to and this man walked in and the barmaid said, "how does it feel to have your own bottle behind the bar?" and he said it was okay except he drank so little it was getting stale, threw up when we got back to our room, we had eaten at a smorgasboard at the village shopping center across the highway, that night the carnival set up in the same parking lot. the carnies were staying at our hotel, one was selling speed and worked on the roller coaster, there wasn't a roller coaster though, one was wearing a black eye patch with a skull and crossbones on it. we bought a movie camera for three dollars in Chicago, george Jones and tammy wynette are playing here tonight and tomorrow (minnesota). just heard that roy brown died. i

stayed at the

tall

corn motel

the kernel lounge

i

i

DAYS OF SORROW. SALO NEVER HAD IT SO GOOD. BEAT OUT THE B E-DEVIL IN TIME TO THE MUSIC. BEATING ON THE BACK DOOR. DRAGGING ON THE BACK PORCH BANG BANG DADDY SHOOTS IT DOWN IN A HURRY. 120

30

CROSS YOUR HEART AND HOPE TO DIE. THREE ON A MATTRESS. "ALL IN A LINE." DON'T HOLD YOUR BREATH. BREATHING 3X AN HOUR. 2X A DAY. ROTTING ETERNAL.

TAKE IT AWAY. waxing eternal, forever on the wane, the big sad reflection of light.

CARNAL DIOXIDE LAUGHING AT ALL THE WRONG MOMENTS.

MY HEART'S IN THE WRONG PLACE AND IT WANTS TO GO HOME.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO SOMEONE WHO HATES YOU? very my sided.

LIVE INSIDE

31

YOU GO TO THE GAS STATION FOR A REFILL. run out of gas,

come back, gascanin hand, two guys dowse you with gasoline,

you on fire, god bless petroleum, a good way to kill, drop the arms embargo, set

obvious

political

reasons,

offensive,

defensive,

aggressive bed time stories.

THERE ARE SOME THINGS IN THIS WORLD YOU CANT PROTECT YOURSELF FROM. ISOLATE CERTAIN PARTS OF THE BRAIN. COULD REALLY GET SOME WORK DONE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY. I

32

AN IMPOVERED SOUL THE BASE OF THE SPINE EMPTY FROM THE OUTSIDE IN WITH NOTHING TO GO ON AND NO SENSE OF RHYTHM. SOMETIMES TIMING HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. do you know where saints go to die? THE CIRCUMFERENCE OF TIME AROUND OUR DISTANCE. NOTHING CAN BECOME OF NOTHING AND NOTHING IS SACRED AND NO DO NOT KNOW WHERE SAINTS GO TO DIE. I

the sacred heart of jesus

is

shining

all

the time.

33

was here and killed it. up first then grow up. it's easier that way.

the truth give

adulterers

i

anonymous.

you cut-throat slut. 13 men. later, he "gets off" off

instead of "getting

3 guys and a gal, just like the platters.

34

it

on."

DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO

LIVE INSIDE

SOMEONE

WHO HATES YOU? very

my sided.

SOME THINGS ARE BETTER LEFT UNSAID, SHE SAID. SHE SAID, YOU CAN'T BLAME A PERSON FOR THE WAY THEY ARE.

SHE MEANT, I

I I

IT'S

OKAY JUST DON'T DO IT TO

ME.

YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING! I'D NEVER DO THAT TO YOU. MEANT, UNLESS YOU LET ME. MEAN YOU CAN'T BLAME A PERSON FOR THE WAY THEY SAID,

ARE.

"we go skin deep to the bar acting skinny.

dressed

in

an usual manner.

go out skin deep

at face value

acting skinny with cash

in

hand.

sharing your goals with

someone you hate

sharing your hate with

someone you love"*

DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO

LIVE INSIDE

SOMEONE

WHO HATES YOU? "sharing the

Rosetta A.

1

981

same fate."* *

**l-bid

35

Chapter

SINSURANCE

black but smelling gray, somewhat akin to tb. vanishing in my wilderness, there's a party tonight at true north.

see

if

you can

find

it.

i'm vanishing in my own wilderness, you pissed in my pocket cast a spell on my pants. stumbled on a log. got insects on both legs, ants crawling in my socks and shoes. i'm crawling towards you. i

i

38

are no secular misfits saints? i

volunteer

look ma, no thumb.

something brought out of mothballs reduce us to ashes something born out of laughter headed for two disasters,

to

one is his one is mine. I

mill I

get

I

you you get

1

me }

life

wears a black dress

the devil drives a buick

he sits inside and eats lunch it's snowing in columbus wear an apron it's an old one with flowers I've been granted a stay of execution

| I | 1

i

we all it's

have.

the most

'I

| |

|

anyone could ever hope for.

the sentence stays.

mistakes have already been made. the beef we eat, all

|

li

I i

the drugs we take,

j

the heavenly ache,

themonalisatoo, these mistakes have been spoken for. these without redemption glare. and no signifigance. baseball and music are little postcards we send on our way out. children and people grow smaller in the ground. hillbillies no longer exist 39

I

I

j

j;

|i

i

wiped away as a generation or generalization.

only minny pearl only

heehaw.

which brings us oh never mind.

40

is left.

all

the

way up to

barbi benton.

what time does the sun come up? it's rainin' pitchforks and nigger babies, we ain't seen the sun for three days, says the waitress. she said the police were watching us, driving around our truci< in circles, while slept inside it. parked at denny's. the police car drove around it i

in

circles

and then drove off into the police version of night.

my version of night is not the same. though nothing ever happens in my version of night, still have hopes for it. i

after

a big fight

on the bed the cold shoulder comes from hotel security and managers, mates,

and the blood comes only from bare feet on broken glass. no bloody noses, too unbecoming a woman in a black slip. actually, yeah,

a bloody nose and a black

slip.

staring at the bathtub the next day,

the night laying

life.

down and daydreaming

or standing it's

not

all

and screaming

the

getting out of

same bed ruins my plans.

41

the problems of the future

2days' tragedy is tomorrow's tourist attraction, junk to treasure, a surprise in October,

combinations, solutions, salt water taffy, me of earth and the earth

the sun reminds

stuck with me.

42

is

no the blue of billiard chalk

no the green of felt. the eight ball and the white ball

a purse full of gambling

enough

money

for limitless selections

songs don't stink.

but only two

nothing to look at nothing to hold

no the purse went home.

a minority

is

a majority,

especially

when

there's only one.

MY HEART'S IN THE WRONG PLACE AND IT WANTS TO GO HOME. a month of mondays sentimental he's glad

in

it's

the south.

over

he's experienced a real desire

2 blame

someone for the sound

of

my voice.

43

five

hundred students reported nausea and vomiting where? on the blue screen with

within hours of eating,

one at a time, with "there is a rose in Spanish harlem" in the background music, maybe they had too much vegetables like ketchup is now. even heinz didn't agree with that one. bugs bunny's on again, he scared away a pack of butch dogs by holding up a copy of "a tree grows in harlem." the white letters that print out

alright,

the

pti

club says

a battle, it's a daily walk bunch of babies, jim barker

life is

now which is it? we are in a fallen state of man.

with god.

get back to the basics of matthew, mark, luke and John, back to the blue screen, stock market report, we have some but, well, the stock market kinda crashed, and we ain't back to even yet. experimental investments, on the 700 club they were discussing the stock market, of course they got around to spiritual investments. says,

44

lets

thee— to thee cry and my yawning desires go awry, cafe society becomes whisl<ey, bourbon or scotch secret i

society.

no one calls me on the phone at work, all ripped up with no place to go. conspicuous consumption, conspicuous only by its absence. can't get a decent scandal started,

45

have never been through so much mental abuse in my and I'm here to tell you about my experiences, have i

i

Incidences descriptions and faces, found a fortune in vain, she was offended by my gift, her love was an obstacle, inhaled her own long hair and died in her sleep, woke up dead, defrosted her refrigerator and flooded her kitchen, took out her trash and fanned the flies with newspaper. i

i

i

46

life,

good news for bad

lovers.

TUMBLE DOWN THE MOUNTAIN AND INTO THE SEWER game that moves as you play

this is the

sterilized silence

gospel intuition between insane individuals waiting

in

twisted

gifted hourly inhibitions.

as the crow flies

.

.

.

slightly crosseyed

47

"insanity runs is

in

the family"

not untrue.

shows up once in a while like now. SET UP SOME EMOTIONAL ROADBLOCKS THEY SHUT DOWN THE STREET it I

AND WAS PARADED DOWN IT. WE KICKED UP OUR HEELS RIGHT INTO THEIR FACES. I

a parade once didn't you perform charades when no one was looking?

weren't you

48

in

wish would stop crying. wish the wind would stop blowing my hair in my face wish my husband would stop hanging out the car door on the freeway. wish my arms were not tongue-tied with empty promises. wish that men would promise the truth. and my band would play a benefit to annihilate the human race. i

i

i

i

i

i

49

i

was walking on bended knees

drunk and seeing things i'm scratching the

lid

off

my bottle

lid back on town so can leave you alone.

i'm putting the i'm leaving

i

preventive witchcraft: keep out this is

justB rough estimate, but get out

Jesus is in attica seven days a week watching with a listener's eye * i

got to finally take

my own medicine

rusty necklaces

wet cigarettes power over life and death one dollar bill torn in half A DREAM so SMALL AND SLEAZY learn, learn i

regret

you

the future a thing of the past.

faith in is

yeah,

yeah.

EVErything

come

will

disguised

as a joke.

and you'll laugh and your everything cold,

be gone.

damp, and dry heat.

*So the T.V. preacher

50

will

says.

(Where though?)

i

feel

bad and

that's a real

can't conjure today beer won't help boozin it up and sleepin

good sign

i

It

off

GET OUT AND GET RUN OVER ghettoway car

when see you i

see red roses are red violence is too i'm painting the town blue. i

whiskey whiskey whiskey whiskey

I.

*

W. Harper

51

castro calls reagan

hitler,

one mistake leads to another, me and my mother.

just like

limbo lest

we rest

limbo hell hole unearned rundown place your bets down limbo bound

upchucked dry heaving like a hell hound or leftover dinner

earthbound without heavenly absence you will never leave here all in one piece bone without device vestige of an athlete you try but don't achieve chin ups without endurance sinsurance

premium without a payoff religion as a reason housewife in a bakeoff

dish rag like

a mouth gag

woman

a monster in limbo here is your reward, like

limping along

you go middle class bitch you were wrong

to hell

52

you go,

to hell

all

along.

from the ramada inn of Springfield

Oregon

beware, before you beseech. beseech in vain, lest ye forget

futility,

you

remain behind, while they leave without regret, sparing

fuel, forgetting

you.

Satan's slaves in

Portland

it's

a ridiculous thing to believe

in.

and believe me want to. even exist and insist in and on failure of the word to increase the reason, the reason is long gone, has been, just to hang around and drink is reason enough for me. room #116. i

i

it's

so quiet

and

i'm not sitting in

a bar with a bunch of people.

53

.

and then they sang .

.

women

no avail and then they

to

.

slept

...

.

like religious

it

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

off

and forgot about

it

realizing their children

would survive with or without

i

i

wanted to wanted to

in

live live

it.

forever but forever but

the middle of a card

i

i

was too drunk, was

game

and was winning. i

never sleep like an abandoned horse blanket, never say amen in church if they're capping off a prayer about you.

54

singing of tlieir sovereignty in

november

in victoria, british

Canada. watching

five

Columbia

easy pieces

after taking the ferry

across to Vancouver island. cooking dinner for five in our motel room and starting the oven on fire. drinking high test beer and reading the stranger today, beginning to end.

a great big empty scenic thing. logging trucks passing us

on

inclines.

ramp for calif. because calif, is still

pulled over by the

license plates

suspicious to be from. then feeling like a crummy hippie in a van with eight others. not really, just a band. edmonton was the hell hole. the hockey hole (goal). the dodgers beat the yankees and we could barely tune it in on the way up here.

55

nine heroes later cannot watch any more mean life, is portrayed so funny. i

knife,

tv.

i

even the fifteen year old hooker on barney miller talks in punch lines. prostitution is so funny, maybe we should all try it. the bath water's

and

it's

brown

raining in Vancouver.

now it's remembrance day for the soldiers. a red poppy and a hangover we watched the sailors

on

tv last night.

bravo yankees bravo yankees. carnal knowledge.

candice bergen

and garfunkel or whatever he is kissing is too much for me. besides, every third word has been cut and the Canadians were laughing because they don't censor that movie here but it was on Seattle tv. spa king. ktell

presents

"elvis sings at his

56

own funeral"

my (gratefully) last night in Seattle. we got railroaded into playing a greek restaurant lounge and the fucking people wouldn't pay us all our money because our set wasn't long enough. a sold out house, seven minutes short of approximately sixty minutes. just because fought with the bartender. he wouldn't give me a beer. now, how simple a task. and people kept asking i

stupid things

like,

"were you drunk last night or is that part of your act?" "i don't have an act and! wasn't drunk." why they ask? "because the liquor laws are so repressive in Washington state and the drinks are so expensive, you've probably never seen a drunk. but i'm

gonna get drunk."

57

1

more work for the wicked, norestforthebitchin'. too much booze for the mexican with the lots

bitchin' car.

maybe the wicked haven't got a prayer in hell. a plot of land and an unlimited artistic budget or

is alii

ask.

a little food is handy. wine and wild turkey is nice. a pack of kool milds look wild. a grilled cheese sandwich and a bowl of minestrone soup are adequate

and a

in

little

monster.

got a woody

with

woodpecker doll on stage, a hammer and sickle pin on it.

woodie guthrie woodpecker, I'm in the union.

lean

58

city,

new doll walks on tv and bobs its head, its own stroller down the sidewalk.

while pushing

i

any

rarely inedible.

make that joke.

you gotta have sam cooke now. oh sam. poor son of a sam. yeah, women and son of a gun. just ask big mama thornton. just ask me in a few years, won't be stabbed.

their

weapons,

i

no.

i'm getting

my soldier of misfortune weapon

tomorrow.

ochs and darby crash. hanging and heroin. blue circles and nooses. recordings are supposed to be historical documents. don't downgrade our culture just because all has gone to hell. in humbolt county California. phil

the radicals return to the land. just like

moonshine and

revenues.

except now it's pot and feds. retain your customs and photo albums. even in modern times, there's culture and there's custom.

59

on my day off life on the road

dirty

blaiibiahbooii.

never or less more than ever

evermore nevermore surrealisn't

handholding convention knock knock who's there me. me who

who am i? where am going i

in life?

what is the meaning of the universe? who, me? wha me worry? let's not get worried about it never forever, never instead, always never,

never

one to complain, never know, never have, never did before, never ever, always never, never instead of hope. what, they had no tongues?

60

never will.

never say "ordinarily yours." never divine water with a wishbone, never call the ordinary divine.

going to bed now. because can't hear the music want to hear. i'm

I

i

61

what's new nothing new

smoking and drinl
wasn't waiting not for you. if

i

nothing's

in this

i'm beating

year

my breast in

not for you. there's a fifty percent

chance

you will or you won't what's new. that

something blue something borrowed which wouldn't be stealing if it wasn't belonging i

not to you.

we were made for each other, we were each made to suffer.

62

"look at

my heart

surrounded with the thorns with which ungrateful

men

surround and wound it by their blasphemies and iniquities." i'm the world's

expert

on wasting paper dispense used subject matter dispense remedies but first come up and get the disease i

^

i

the world expert

on wasting glass looking out the

window

like this

everybody looks busy but they're just sick

and suffering dispense remedies but first come in and get the disease. i

bottles

I

and the men that

live

inside them.

took too big a drink out of the devil's punchbowl,

63

"i

don't have any

money,

lucy!"

"good, then you won't spend it!" says lucy to jummy. poker winnings one bus ride to work "you won in a pig's eye! besides, the money's already in the pig's belly." says jimmy. one bus ride to work, one fight in the making. hall dancer on the dance floor falling down a black and white ghost ina black and invisible dress dance hall dancer on the dance floor falling down come and crash land in the seat of my burning dreams

dance

once there was this really pretty girl

standing on a corner

screaming

64

at

a

man

ice at night

winter 76

and spring 77 featuring lent

venlce used to say "when hendrix dies, the streets

people

in

will

shake.

negro in a frame negro on the trailer wall trailer like a dirty bus. velvet velvet

negligence breeds in beds of contempt and lamps and night tables fall over appearances deceive each other again and negligees breed babies no one wants. bird seeds neglect breeds glorious

weeds

dusty white fields of deep ideas but sometimes

neglect freezes tongues ice at night

the sky

is

rough tonight

clouds of kicking feet tangled in canyons of heroes and bums parents aren't nice to each other

and their children grow up dumb.

65

preventive witchcraft: keep out this isjust a rough estimate, but get out.

was walking on bended knees drunk and seeings things i

i'm scratching the

lid

off

my bottle

lid back on town so can leave you alone.

i'm putting the i'm leaving

i

preventive witchcraft:

beware— bad,

this isjust a rough estimate, but you for time and materials.

i

got to finally take

rusty

I'll

bad, bad

have to charge

my own medicine

necklaces

wet cigarettes power over life and death

one dollar

bill

torn

in half

peventive witchcraft: painstaking process process ridden pain.

i

feel

bad and

that's a real

can't conjure today beer won't help boozin it up and sleepin

good sign

i

it

off

GET OUT AND GET RUN OVER ghettoway car

when see you i

i

see red roses are red

violence

is

too

i'm painting the

66

town

blue.

dog

is

in the house? a bruise too much.

there a doctor

i'm

advice to the lovestarved: the first fifty times are the worst. you smoke a pack and thinl<: what an entrance we could make together. needless to say, don't smoke in bed; but imagine he's in it.

she won't have babies be too much things to wind and too many repairs.

there'll

holy water to toilet water

muds spray in a drinking glass. pandora says piss came out of the faucet. "elizabeth taylor

looks through a rain swept

window

into the future."

water on the brain. delinquent spit. the slow drip of something

still

here.

67

jam session job: the hero of an old testament book who endured afflictions with fortitude and strength.* jobless.

no store to dance in. not enough cash to stub my toe on or step on a tack and see how that feels.

opened the dictionary and it opened on your name. took the five and went to the market for beer. so what, i

i

John baptized jesus. a John took me into so what. the parking garage for thirty dollars. John spent his

on fucking me. lost John's opal glove in the seventh grade. ring in my baseball always call don John and sometimes say to John "John— mean John. ." thinking made a mistake.

catholic insurance

i

i

i

i

i

did. we go to louisiana tomorrow, me and you. we get some liquor, we get some

maybe france i

left

i

in

the head, a

little

commotion, and so what.

my beer in the other room, just a minute.

change my name, don't speak for a side, don't sing a side, the record rides

for

around without me.

be back

a while, for a little while, went to the store a while ago. don't forget to get your pay check, hope you can get a hotel, wanted to paint the walls after you moved out but paint is so expensive, guess hear your car. don't care. you'll

in

i

i

i

i

i

Mirielle

68

Cervenka 1 977

i

are you comfortable? are you afflicted?

why is your head so hot and burning up? the bus

is

overcrowded.

thejews fight like inside a chicken coop. no one is gentleman enough for the screaming crows. they nail crows to barn doors in france. it makes the afflicted uncomfortable. I'm in

jail

I'm not i

i

i

allowed to

listen to

the radio

beans every night have to stand all day

eat

get hives

they bring

all

in

the time drugs every day

b&d it's i

real cold

hardly ever

smoke cigarettes

on one side of

me theres a junkie that

the mailboxes and there's a real old lady that screams incoherently the angelus at seven in the morning it's real dark and there's trucks.* ripped out

all

go thy way thy way is up to thee "a man's mind plans for thee

i

way,

his

but the lord directs his steps."

proverbs 16:9 i

dream about chick publications,

the i.e.,

religious books,

little

holy joe,

somebody

the frame up, creator or

dream

loves me, liar?

them on the street. which also do in real life. i

i

find

i

*

By Johnny O'Kane

69

ask him to blow out all my sins. signed date "holy joe spends some time with the head shrinker i

when gave my life to Christ ..." who takes care of all my troubles— but look at you, i

miserable,

and going that's

lost,

without hope,

full

sir,

of frustration

to hell!

enough

soldier! @!.,*;!! i'm the

one who does the

analyzing around here, not you! you can go now. thud.

crucify him.

norman Vincent peale.

how to get high on god "lord, turn me on. help me to tune 1.

2. 1

5.

is

in on life." want it. go for it. spend three minutes every day talking to Christ like a friend, step it up to ten minutes a day and he will become more real to you than your best friend.

god

satisfied?

how can he be? god god

is

not satisfied,

is

satisfied,

not with you, but with Christ ..."

70

hard at home the needle brakes/ the ribbon breaks and we hate each other under the big black sun

we don't like/ we don't like/ we don't like any songs about fire.

once when was home and the phone rang picked it up and saw it was you went outside to see the broken thing that fell John smashed a black pay phone at the beach yesterday saw it was you and went out and saw the sun was black. i

i

i

i

i

i

febri.22

escape hatch, booby trap black. there's too

much going around.

the future looks bright ahead. give

up for

I'm like

lent.

a queen

emanating or descending. should be wed. a bowling ball globe rolls through all your thoughts your urine comes out like three weeks' piss. i

71

the paper fell

down behind the typewrite,

i

let

it

go. I've

been feeding boys, pete and gary, sandwiches, drank beer and smoked all day. told judith and chris and dianne and randy how missed you all day. told pete too. they said could be on the guest list or they understood all day. a friend of billy's came, johnny o'kane called, felt sad. the phone rang all day, karia called. Chris is on the phone, "is it okay if go out, does judy want to come, will she be mad if go?" had a nightmare of lorna knocking my jewelry off the dresser in my bedroom, while you were making the bed you said, "oh, it was lorna." stopped picking up my jewels to look up and woke up. I'm not scared but was mean once and started being nice, hope it's not too late. hope the ribbon doesn't run out before it's too late, the guest lists, the sound checks, the hound dogs, the hell hounds, pete knocked the phone off the desk, he says it would be neat to have a phone with a ring that sounded like a car accident, donny and gerber are over at the i

i

i

i

i

i

i

i

i

i

i

i

i

I

i

was called to come there before peter so he wouldn't suspect, don't know what to think, we paid the rent on the room and we got 50$$$$ for your bassss sssssssss. want you to come home tropicana, gary arrived,

i

i

now love,

love,

72

i

don't think,

exene. exene.

Chapter

IV DECORATIVE

IRONWORK

bums don't bullshit, bums don't stick pick up chicks, they say every dog has its day, die tomorrow or die today, met one, we estimated was three it

i

we were

both looking for winter coats, we're the same size, he said i'd get my money's worth because my coat was too big and didn't have any mistakes, gave him thirty cents, coats were three dollars, didn't have three dollars, he told me what to look for. but not to tell you, or mess it up for myself, the bum will tell me a story, if have one minute, that's how long it takes, didn't understand every word but one time this bum had twenty-two dollars so he wanted to buy this other guy breakfast, he turned out to be an fbi agent, and think he took this bum's money, so when next he saw this government man, he gets him so mad he blows up and hits the bum. then the bum kicks his ass and the fbi agent loses his job. see, now he'll never make captain, that seems fair to me. o'clock by the sun.

i

i

i

i

i

i

bums grow disabilities, bad

slow legs, no words, this one kept asking me, "what's the other word?" but he said one thing, that he's always liked me and once tried to tell me but didn't hear him. bums don't pick up chicks, they don't bounce checks, don't pay rent, sore teeth, see too much of everything and don't have any body to tell. coats,

and can't

i

74

teeth,

recall the right

"i

feel

very calm today.

haven't noticed any

symptoms of disease.

probably eternal rotting me away from the inside it's

out.

sex is such an ugly thing so ugly."

By Johnny O'Kane

75

"late night tension

that old black

magic

eyes glance down ground white knuckle syndrome shifty

five fingers

down

a c note in your pocket watch keep on ticking lose five minutes a day red twi lite

down my spine name all your sons after me

trickle

kill all your daughters for tormenting me close all the eyelids cross all the arms close all the lids so the strangers can 't stare take one look make it the last never think another thought never say another word cross your arms and close your eyes let all the strangers stare false tears from

false friends

please don't believe their vicious lies

pay no respect to their mournful cries"

By Johnny

76

OKane

Chapter

V ALL SECRETS

A SLAP IN THE FACE BY A NEXT DOOR STRANGER. STEPPED DOWN IN THE CELLAR. THANKS FOR NOTHING. HOW COULD YOU FORCE SO LITTLE FIST FUCK MY BRAIN DRIFT WITH ITS STUPID DELUSIONS AND HAVE THE NERVE REMOVED FROM MY HEART TOO.

STOLEN SEDUCTIONS LOST IN A MOMENT THAT YOU HATE FOREVER. TRAPT AND RETARDED ALL BY YOURSELF. ME BY MYSELF REDUCED OF THE ESSENCE. THE MIRROR INSIDE OF THE MIRROR. A DOUBLE INDEMNITY. LOSE TRACK OF TIME. TIME TO REWIND. AT HOME WITHOUT A REASON. THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES. Steal and kill your memories.

78

RINGING LOUDLY THE BELLS OF HELL.

AND MAKE HER DIE. HOLY APOCALYPTIC CHRIST. NAILED TO MY BEDPOST TRIPPING. THE NAUSEOUS SCENT OF MY OWN BLOOD CONGEALED BAKED FRIED TO MY WRISTS. WHAT HAPPENS WHEN ALL THE BLOOD BOILS AWAY AND ONLY THE SHELL REMAINS. KISS THE BRIDE

79

FLESH IS ITS OWN REWARD. BURNS A HOLE IN MY EYE AND SUCKS MY SOUL THRU THE SOCKETS.

80

OFF ALL THAT I COULD CHEW AND NEARLY CHOKED TO DEATH. I

BIT

EMOTIONAL INDIGESTION. WE ARE OUR OWN WORST ENEMIES AND WE LIKE IT LIKE THAT.*

'To Jane Handel

81

COULD DISMEMBER ME FROM YOU X 2. IN A SPLIT SECOND FORGET EVERYTHING EVER KNEW. FALL BLIND FALL DEAF AND DUMB DISINTERESTED I

I

DISINTEGRATE

DEAD ABSENT MINDED OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND BLIND.

82

HANG MY HEAD AWAY EMPTY. IN

A CUPBOARD BARE.

UGLY AND OFFENSIVE. HUNG.

83

FALL DOWN. FALL OUT.

CRACKS THE SKULL. LIQUID SKELETON THAT GLOWS IN THE DARK. BONES THAT SHATTER WHEN YOU HIT THE PAVEMENT HARD. CUT UP AND CUT OUT ON THE DOUBLE.

84

FALLING MADLY IN LOVE W/A MADMAN. FALLING MADLY

DOWN A SET OF STAIRS STUPID. RANCID

ODD MAN OUT W/NOTHING TO DO BUT FALL*

LOVESICK TO THE STOMACH

I

AND HUNGRY

BREAK YOUR HEART TO BREAK MONOTONY.

*To Murray

Mitchell

85

YOUR LOVE LIE STRANGLED YOUR HANDS IN THE TEMPLE BEAT MY BRAINS TO DEATH UP FROM THE BELLY OF A MANIAC AND INTO THE MOUTH OF BABES

86

SILENT BASTARD.

LONG DISTANCE DESPERATION. TRUTH LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT. AND THEN SOME, THAT LASTS FOR JUST THAT EXACT MOMENT, AND THEN SOME. AND THEN EVERY TIME LOOK INTO YOUR SOUL AND YOU LOOK THRU MINE. I

NAKED. THE FIRST

MOMENT HIT SO HARD. FOR ONLY A MOMENT. THAT LASTS FOREVER. LIKE THE PLACE IT COMES FROM. IT'S BIGGER THAN THE BOTH OF US. IT OUTLIVES YOU AND IT KILLS ME TO WAIT. WOULD WAIT TWO THOUSAND LIFETIMES FOR I

I

WOULD

IT

TO HAPPEN

AGAIN. STEAL YOU IN A SECOND BLIND

A PIECE OF CLAY I'D PRAY TO STICK BEHIND MY BEDPOST. IT

SHRIEKS

A CONSTANT BURNING. SELDOM DORMANT. I

WISH

IT

WOULD DIE.

ONCE AND FOR MY SAKE OUT. OUT.

OF ME BUT IT WON'T.

OLDER THAN THE BOTH OF US AND TEN TIMES TOO WISE. AND A THOUSAND TIMES TOO SELFISH. YOU KNOW WHAT MEAN. A SECRET UNDERSTANDING MUTE. UNCONCEIVABLE UNATTAINABLE UNEXPLAINED AND OFTEN IT IS

I

SECRETLY PAINFUL.

TO ME YOU. I

WOULD STEAL YOU IN A MINUTE LOCKED DEAD AWAY

FOREVER.

BUT YOU HAVE GIVEN ME ALL YOU WILL SO SELFISH BUT IT'S ALL I COULD EVER ASK FOR AND THEN SOME THANK YOU. 87

BAD LUCK X 2 ROMANTIC AND ENDANGERED. THE SUN NEVER SHINES. WAIT ON THE CURB FOR THE BUS. SOME THINGS TAKE FOREVER. SOME THINGS NEVER COME. I

DON'T COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS IN THE DARK.

THE DAY NEVER

LIES

BUT THE NIGHT

TIME STEALS AWAY ME FROM YOU.

BAD LUCK X 2 IT

ALWAYS HURTS.

NO INTERRUPTION. HAPPENS AS PLANNED USUAL SO USUAL TO DIE ON THE THRESHOLD. BURIED ALIVE. BURIED DEAD OR ALIVE. NO, THERE'S IT

AS USUAL.

88

IS

A THIEF.

HAD A BAD DREAM. MY DREAMS ARE OF YOU. (BUT W/MANY RERUNS) I

ALL

NIGHT AFTER NIGHT.

ONE THOUSAND COMMERCIALS FOR EMOTIONAL DISABILITY. AID FOR THE HANDICAPPED. EMOTIONAL PSYCHOSIS.

NOT MUCH TO SPEAK OF YET TALK IN MY I WOULD NEVER CALL YOUR NAME IN A MILLION YEARS. THE WAY YOU'D NEVER AND DON'T DO. DON'T ADMIT WHAT YOU'D NEVER ADMIT. I

SLEEP.

DON'T CONFESS IF IT'S TRUE. I WOULDN'T BELIEVE YOU.

89

PURE IDIOCY. I TELL YOU EVERYTHING AND LIVE TO REGRET IT. BUT NOT FOR LONG. THE STUPIDITY OF THE MOMENT IS OUTWEIGHED BY THE REDUNDANCY OF TIME STUPID VERBAL USELESS NOTHING. STUPID SENSELESS SOUND. YOU WONT TELL ME WHAT I WANT TO HEAR. MY EAR TO THE FLOOR YOUR BOOT ON MY HEAD.

90

ALL SECRETS SACRED I

CAN SEE FROM A TO

B SLIP

AWAY.

FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT SO KEEP YOURSELF TO YOURSELF. AND LEAVE ME ALONE.

YOU OPEN UP SHUT OFF. YOU OPEN UP BREAK DOWN AND GO AWAY TO GET AWAY. I I

ALL SECRETS STUPID.

91

DUG A HOLE IN THE TOILET WHERE SHE HIDES ALL HER SECRETS. FROM HIM. TO HER. THE WIRES GET CROSSEYED AND THE POLES ARE DOWN. HOW SAD FOR THEM. DUG A HOLE IN THE TOILET WHERE SHE HIDES HER HEAD.

FROM HIM. IT'S NOTHING NEW, TO HER. THE LIPS ARE THE SAME, THE BRAINS HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE INNOCENCE.

92

I

WANT

SOLITAIRE. I

LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND SCREAM AT YOUR FACE

SLOPPY MOTEL AT THE EDGE OF TOWN.

BLUE-GRAY AND BLACK AWAY nVi AND DEAD IN THE HEAD. NO! "PLEASE DON'T"-SHE SCREAMS. HE RIPS HER BOWELS OUT WITH A COAT HANGER. SHE WANTS TRUE LOVE.

HE HOLDS HER HAND AND SHE DIED TWICE. "HELP ME" SHE SCREAMS HE KICKS HER DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS STRAIGHT INTO THE BASEMENT OF HELL HE HOLDS HER HAND AND SHE'LL DIE A THOUSAND TIMES. AT HIS DISPOSAL SHE WANTS TRUE LOVE.

HE WANTS NOTHING*

*From 45 Crosby to Motel's End, Spring 1981

James Russo, Bastard

93

UGLY WALLS AND A HOLE IN THE BED TO LAY MY HEAD. SKY BLUE PUKE CEILING TO FLOOR BORED. SINKING NEAR THE SHOWER STALLED BY A GENERAL LACK OF INTEREST. THE FIRST BOOK OF THE LAST COMMANDMENTS ROTS YOU TO SLEEP SOUND.* 4

'From the bowels of the Venus Hotel and back

94

THE VENUS HOTEL FOREPLAY IN THE HALLWAY. HIT ME HIT ME DON'T KILL ME YOU BASTARD GET INTO BED. CAN'T KICK ME DOWN THE STAIRS. LOVE IT I LOVE YOU LOVE IT. PLEASE DON'T KILL ME IT'S NOT REALLY LIKE THIS ONLY ON WEEKENDS I

I

GET INTO BED. INTO BED AND OUT A THE HALLWAY. GET UP STAIRS. IT JUST STARTED TO DAWN ON ME, IT ISN'T WHAT IT SEEMS IT ISN'T

IT ISN'T IT IS.*

*

Sue and Stanley, December 21 1981

"quote, unquote" from

Venus

Hotel,

Room

9,

,

95

A DAY AT THE MARKET VILE AND

UGLY OPEN

IN

STUPORED

VAIN AND vainglorious

VAGRANT AND WAITING WANTING THE OBVIOUS ODIOUS DECISION BLAND AND PREDICTED OPEN AND CRACKING

TORN IN TWO LIMPID OFTEN AND AWFUL OPEN TO THE PUBLIC OPEN TO YOU CAN GO TO HELL SHOPPING ON A SHOESTRING BARGAIN BASEMENT BETTY THE LINE FORMS HERE DO YOU HAVE IT IN A BIGGER SIZE? IT'S

96

NOT HOW BIG IT IS IT'S HOW YOU USE IT.

MY FEET DISAPPEAR IN THE SIDEWALK AND TRIP THE CURB. MY BRAINS MELT INSIDE A '65 MUSTANG. BLOOD RED AND BLEEDING FROM THE TEMPLES. HAIL MARY FULL OF NOTHING. A CROWD GATHERS AT THE BASE OF DISASTER. BEMUSED BY MY CATASTROPHE. A PUBLIC EYESORE AND THEN SOME. I

DOT DOT DOT wreck wreck wreck coast to coast with the holy ghost.

97

100 WAYS TO DIE 1000 TIMES A YEAR. NO SLEEP FOR THE DREARY. STAND IN LINE ON THE EVE OF DESTRUCTION. WAITING BAITED ON THE DOOR KNOCKING ON THE TEMPLES SPLITTING HEAD OPEN MINDED RIP THE SOUL OF MY MOUTH LOUD.

run our souls up the flagpole.

98

CROSS DEEP PART THE DEAD SEA.

THE CENTER OF ITS FOREHEAD. BANGING AT THE TEMPLES. SIMULTANEOUS SCHIZOPHRENIA. AND THE DANCE OF THE DEAD.

IN

99

FELL IN LOVE WITH A GHOST HE'S JUST A SHADOW OF HIS FORMER SELF. FELL IN LOVE WITH A GHOST HE'S JUST A SHADOW OF THE PAST. ON THE VERY FIRST DAY OF EVER I

I

BEFORE WE EVER BEGAN WITH MOONLIGHT THRU THE PIPES IN THE BACK OF A TRUNK. NEVER BEEN SO HAMMERHEADED NEVER BEEN SO EMPTY

HEARTED NEVER NEVER GONE AWAY NOT NOW. STRINGS TO MY BACK AND IT SNAPS JUST LIKE A PUPPET IT NEVER HAPPENS TO YOU IT ALWAYS HAPPENS TO ME. STUCK IN THE WALL HOLED UP IN THE WALL DESTRUCTIVE DO YOU THINK THERE'S ANY GETTING OUT OF THIS? BOYS IN THE NITE WHO SCREAM IN THEIR DELIRIUM ALL IN A ROW AND INCIDENTALLY DEAD. IS IT REAL OR JUST SOME VAGUE KINDA FIGMENT? IT NEVER HAPPENS TO YOU IT ONLY HAPPENS TO ME. YOU BEGIN TO INHALE AND YOU END UP ADDICTED. LIKE THE SCENT OF FIRE PINED RIGHT TO THE BONE. CASKET COVERED WITH ROSES THAT'S THE WAY IT'S GOING, HOLLOWED OUT OPEN TO THE BONE.*

'•

In loving

100

memory of J. oK

COULD ALMOST CRY LIKE TEARS OF BLOOD EVAPORATE AND LEAVE A RING. I

how dry am i

SOMETIMES TO TRUE THE MOMENT PASSES LIKE DAWN TO DUST LIKE RUST TO ASHES INSIDE TORN DOWN THE SOUL THE WALLS THE HOLLOWED BODIED EVENING SPRAWLS ACROSS THE ROCK ACROSS THE DARK I COULD.

COULD ALMOST CRY LIKE TEARS OF BLOOD AND SLOWLY IT EVAPORATES WITHOUT A SCAR WITHOUT A TRACE SOMETIMES TOO BLUE THE MOMENT PASSES OVERHEAD SO UNDETECTED WITHOUT DEFAULT WITH NO PERFECTION. I

COULD CLOSE MY EYES AND SLEEP FOREVER LOCKED INSIDE A SECRET SILENCE WHISPER DEEP INTO MY HEAD SLOW MOTION SICK UNTIL TOMORROW REWIND ERASE AND NOTHING REMAINS THE WAY THAT NOTHING EVER DOES EVERY FACE IS FAMILIAR IN THE DARK.* I

=ToDix Denney

101

FhPPRMjICL'LAR TO ALL \\ES WHO MEAN NOTHL^G OR LESS REDLOED TO THE LOWEST COMMON DENOMLNATOR AND

DOLNG A BAD JOE AT THAT. dirt and sweat, H BALL IS THE CORNER POCKET. A PACK OP .MARLEOROS AND A SLNGLE KOOL. ironworkers give to their local bars and draw on their interest in me. .AS IP vVHEN S.MOKE Gf:TS EN YOUR EYES IT .MEANS SO.METHING. AS IP 2 PLCS 2 EOEALLED THE OE\TOCS. AS IP TILL DEATH DID L'S PART AND THEN SO.ME WE i

STf..MELE.

AS AS AS

IP

I

KSOW EXACTLY

\^TTEN

YOU CALL AT

3:13.

CARE.

IP

I

IP

ANYTHING .MEANS ANYTHING AT ALL THAT YOU CAN RPT.ATP

TOON ANY

LPAPJ.

IP PET THP,N AGAIN NOT. CAN THERP SPRIOLSLY PP AN EAST OP CAN P' thetruth was here and killed

AS

i

kool milds look wild.

102

it.

THP.

.MOON AND

IP

SO

YOU PROMISE ME NOTHING ASK FOR THE MOON. YOU KEEP ALL THE PROMISES YOU BEGIN TO BREAK. YOU KEEP NO PROMISE. YOU KEEP ALL THE PROMISES YOU FORGET TO MAKE. YOU PROMISE ME NOTHING. AND WANT THE MOON. ASHES TO ASHES. PROMISE YOU THIS, YOU BREAK MY HEART. THE GREATEST THING UNDER THE SUN IS THE MOON. I

I

I

103

MEMOS FROM PURGATORY. INEVITABLE BLIGHT. HALLOWED BE THY NAME.

THE SPINE CRACKS AT THE BASE OF THE BRAIN AND THE WALLS GO TUMBLING DOWN. rock the cradle never to die the kneck bone's connected to the heart bone.

SADMEN WHO MAKE FACES IN THE DARK ALWAYS SYMPATHIZE DON'T KNOW WHY THEY SPEAK IN SECRET TONGUES AND TALK NONSTOP IN I

I

SHAME.

MEMOS FROM HELL AND BABY IT'S GETTING HOTTER ALL THE TIME. OF A MILE IN LESS THAN THAT. NO TIME TO KNEEL DOWN AND NO PRAYERS SO INAUDIBLE. HURRY UP I'M HUNGRY. I MEAN BELLYACHE IN THE SOUL HOLE. VACANT SOUR RUMBLING IN THE BASE OF HOLLOWED BY THY PHYSICAL BEING. WATCH THE SOUL DISLODGE/EJECT AND THE WALLS GO TUMBLING DOWN. 33/5

104

MY GUT.

THE PAST NEVER DIES

IT

JUST CONTINUALLY REPEATS

ITSELF.

the past never repeats

itself

it

just continually dies.

105

dark was. as dark is. anatomy of melancholy. every cloud in the sky was gone. the same ones

come back again.

he came home violent. the sacred heart of jesus

106

is

shining

all

the time.

EVIDENTALLY

NOTHING COULD BE SAID OR DONE. AT ALL. EVERYTHING WAS OVER

AND HAD DIED

A TERRIBLE AND SLOWLY AGONIZING DEMISE.

THE AVERAGE BOY NEXT DOOR BECOMES THE AVERAGE LIPSTICK KILLER.

107

AND THERE DEATH HUNG. SILENT AND DEADLY. THE QUIET THICKER AND MORE DEAFENING THAN SHE HAD EVER IMAGINED. AS IF PUDDING WERE POURED IN BOTH HER EARS.

AND PENETRATING INTO HER BRAIN. LIKE A METALLIC TYPE OF THE SAME. AS IF MERCURY WERE POURED INTO HER SKULL

FROM ALL

THE

AND SLOWLY SOLIDIFYING. A SLOW PROCESS OF GRADUAL DETERIORATION. A FILLING UP AND A RELEASING. LIKE ONE MURDEROUSLY SLOW ALMOST CREEPING OPENINGS.

PENETRATION. ONE EXCRUCIATINGLY LIQUID PRICK. AND THE SENSATION OF ALL FUCKS (DEATH) CONSISTING OF A SINGLE THRUST. THAT TAKES FOREVER TO COMPLETE, UNTIL THE TIP OF THE PRICK IS FLUSH UP AGAINST THE WALLS OF THE CERVIX. AND THEN THE GRADUAL DETERIORATION.

THE GRADUAL WITHDRAWAL, OF THE WHOLE COCK TAKING WITH IT THE VERY LIFE FORCE. THE VERY BREATH OF LIFE AND THE EMPTY SENSATION OF

DEATH WHEN THE PENIS

IS

FINALLY REMOVED.

HE SAT AND INHALED HER DEATH. SLOW AND DEEPLY. HER DEATH. THE FINAL NOTHING. THE DUMB AND STUPID REALITY OF THAT NOTHING. HE THOUGHT OF THE LESS FORTUNATE. ABOUT THE STUPID

AND IGNORANT THAT BELIEVED YOU LIVED FOR ANYTHING OTHER THAN YOUR OWN DEATH. HE LOVED HER DEAD. HE LOVED HER SO MUCH THAT THE BRUTALITY OF HER DEATH NONEXISTED. IT FELT AS IF HIS CHEST WERE WELLING UP READY TO BURST.

ALMOST JOYOUS. HE LOVED HER AND SHE WAS DEAD. A VICTIM OF HER OWN 108

STUPID MORTALITY.

HE FELT NO SADNESS, NO REMORSE. NONE OF THE USUAL SELFISH

AND STUPID EMOTIONS ASSOCIATED WITH ANOTHER'S DEATH.

HE DID NOT FEEL THE HORRIBLE SHRINKING NUMBNESS. HE DID NOT FEEL THE AGONY, THE SELFISH, SELFPITYING, THE GROSS AND OVERBEARING NUMBNESS. HE LOVED HER AND NOTHING ELSE COULD BE SAID OR DONE.

109

^

IF THERE WERE NO WORDS BUT ONLY SILENCE THAT FELL LIKE DEATH THAT HUNG SLOWLY AND FOREVER, ALWAYS IT WEEPS SADLY OVER ONE THOUSAND YEARS' TIME ONE THOUSAND AND ONE TEARS DEEP LIKE FOREVER AS IT WAITS MORE PATIENTLY THAN CAN STAND OR TRY TO UNDERSTAND, AND ISOLATION AN IMMEDIATE DEEP FREEZE, WHERE EVERY SECOND HELL REPEATS ITSELF FOREVER AND EVER. I

110

i •

i

E-826 $6.95

by Lydia Lunch and Exene Cervenka Visceral, raw, passionate,

and sexually charged, these

writings

represent a unique collaboration by two of America's top figures in the underground rock music field. Combining a surreal informality a deliberate vulgarity, camp humor, and the impassioned outbursts of society's dispossessed, their voices cut through to the core of discontent: an unsettling, ever-shifting world of illusion and disillusion. Called at one time the "'No-Wave' Queen" by The New York Times, Lydia Lunch has had a seminal influence on "no-wave" and other forms of avant-garde music in her roles as originator of the group Teenage Jesus and as lead singer and lyricist for the group Eight-Eyed Spy among many others. Exene Cervenka is the lead singer and lyricist for the rock group X, whose album. Wild Gift, was released to nearly unanimous critical acclaim, and named pop album of the year by The New York Times and The Los Angeles Times.

An Evergreen Book Published by Grove Press, Inc. 196 West Houston Street New York, N.Y. 10014

Cover Design: Roy Colmer

Cover Photo: David Arnoff ISBN: 0-394-62412-2