A Postmodern Tale

A Postmodern Tale Dedication: To whomever reads it.

Parental warning: Read such stories to your infants at bedtime, to make sure they grow up to be just like me. Once upon a time there was an old king who had many young sons, all of them young and all of them handsome and educated. And because they were so educated (by their mothers who have all wanted to have the brightest son possible), they often spent their time in the royal library reading about all things in heaven and on earth. Only one book were they not allowed to read, and it was the book that contained this story. Their father set this book “off limits” to them, because — he said — “in the moment that you read this book you shall surely die”. So, one day the sons met each other out of sheer coincidence in the library and upon cursorily examining each other, they silently grabbed the forbidden book, photocopied it in several copies and off they were reading it. One of them, the one who grabbed the original and read a little in advance, noticed that the story even described how they would one day meet all together and read out the forbidden book against their father’s best advice. He concluded that the story was proof of the existence of an unchangeable destiny and that this meant the end of responsibility, for how — he asked — could one be held responsible for their actions if everything could be known in advance and no one really had any choice? The other brothers tied him up and sent him to the other realm, lest, liberated as he was, he should tell their father about what they’ve done that day. Then, the brothers went to on to read the remainder of the forbidden story. And they read that somewhere near Bucharest (the capital of Rumania), deep in the woods of Transylvania, there was a young female celebrity waiting to be awaken from the cryogenic sleep she’d put herself to several centuries ago. The story said she did that because she didn’t find her soul mate in the days she was born, so she decided to enter a state of suspended animation, for the rest of eternity if needs be, waiting for a man, a true man, one she could love and who could love her back with equal intensity. The moment the king’s sons heard these, their brains stopped and their loins overheated. Sweat poured out of them instantly and they swore one of them had to find this mysterious lady and marry her. So, after speaking to each other on how to proceed, they took their nitrous-enabled rides, hit the highway and set a route on their GPS’s for the Sleeping Beauty’s palace. One of them formulated a dissenting opinion, in which he basically stated that “chasing Sleeping Beauties” would only be acting as “mere proxies for our genes”. This one dissenter stayed

at home, claiming, he said, “his own individuality from the shackles of evolutionary behaviour”. The other brothers, continued to read from the forbidden story while driving to the palace. And they learnt that the palace was surrounded by forests full of unknown and very dangerous prince-eating beasts. So, after reaching a place from which cars could no longer carry them forward, they stopped, camped and got thinking about ways to surpass whatever may have been waiting for them in the woods. After contemplating several alternatives, two of the brothers, who happened to be also monozygotic twins, had a very strong argument. One of them was of the opinion that his survival was of utmost importance and that nothing else could possibly be more important. Consequently he wanted to abandon the chase of Sleeping Beauties and go back home, rather than risk his life. The other was adamant that they should fear disgrace rather than death. He then went on speaking about the Spartans at Thermopylae and about how much he wanted to be like them, especially if that could “net” him the hand of the Sleeping Beauty. They kept on accusing each other of cowardice and “invalid hierarchy of values” for hours. At the sight of this, another of the brothers claimed to have become enlightened on what he called “the absolute freedom of will” people had. He said that if twins could be so different so as to have so radically different opinions, then, for sure, people enjoyed “free will”. He then left immediately for the other realm to confront the brother who was the first to abandon the quest, the one who allegedly was “a determinist”. These internal conflicts took the whole night during which the brothers camped near the woods that guarded the Sleeping Beauty’s palace. Several of the princes also left the camp out of indigestion, or simply because they realised they did not want to marry anyone, and the expedition was useless to them. One of them is famous for saying “there’s plenty of fish in the sea” and adding that he was “leaving for a love hotel in the city”. We know this because, unbeknownst to the king’s sons, the press was secretly watching all of it from the satellites above and commoners were debating their royal sympathies in front of their TVsets. So, as the story goes, at the break of the new day, the remaining princes began their final incursion to the Beauty’s palace, risking their lives, some of them on dirt-bikes, some on foot, some armed to the teeth, some not, some alone and some in group. Of most of these young princes, nothing else has been heard ever since, so one presumes they were devoured by the beasts of the woods. A police search yielded only inconclusive results on this matter, with no complete bodies being found ever after. Anyway, after some weeks of adventures, the palace security perimeter was breached by several men who were the first survivors to emerge out of the woods and claim the Sleeping Beauty’s hand. The problem was that there was not only one, and they couldn’t agree on who is the most meritorious of them. They agreed however to wake the Sleeping Beauty and ask her whom she

wanted to marry. The Beauty, upon being awoken began threatening them with life in prison. “Didn’t you read the fine print on the sarcophagus?! It clearly states that your opening of this sarcophagus represents your acceptance of terms and conditions”, she said, which, in turn clearly state that “under no circumstance should the sarcophagus be opened if there is no clear sole claimant to the Beauty’s hand and estate”, she added. Wishing to settle, the surviving princes had a crisis meeting, during which most of them waived their rights and gave up all claims to the princess’ hand. One of them said he was gay anyway and settled for the right to design the weddingdress. Another said the princess’ was of uncertain “honour”. Most of them dropped all claims without any compensation or justification. Things went well enough and perhaps a few more hours would have been necessary for a consensus to be reached on the matter. But, it was not meant to happen. One of the princes, who had dropped out of the race during the first night, at the outskirts of the woods, came with a platoon of shock troopers and killed everyone in sight, except for Sleeping Beauty. He later said to the press he was sorry for what had happened, but he’d do it a second time, “to take the kingdom out of the deep political crisis his brother’s indecision had created”. The Sleeping Beauty, when interviewed, said she was happy with the outcome, that the deceased princes were “all a bunch of degenerates anyway” and that she admired her soon to become husband’s “guts and resolve”. After the evil degenerate princes were buried and after the remaining evil elements in the royal family were eliminated, after that came the marriage. Two destinies were finally and happily united. Soon thereafter, the old king died and the couple became king and queen of the country and ruled wisely over a flourishing kingdom. Years have passed, the king and queen have aged, new technology appeared and humanity progressed. The king however grew ever less satisfied with his wife. Rumours say he was at times so angry so as to call her names in public and he even tried to kill her a few times. Unhappy as he was, the king one day decided to go visit his father, in the other realm, seeking consolation in talking to someone about his problems. Shocked was the poor old king when his father said it was all a game and none of it was true: “What have you been thinking?! It’s all a Truman Show! Gees, I thought you’d figured it out by now: didn’t the ‘forbidden book’, with the entire script in it, raise any suspicion in you?!”