7 21 05 Promo Eriv

Title: I’m so tired. Setting: The locker room Characters: Short list this time. Miko, Chuck, Tommy, Jonn, and Earl Hebner. Explanation: I wanted to show people that my promos don’t have to be filled up with random crap all the time. Hopefully, it worked. ----------------------------------------------------Camera fade into Miko and Tommy’s locker room. To this day, I hate writing narrative descriptions of the various camera techniques, and the background of the locker room. It’s a ****ing locker room, so just deal with it. The two are sitting in chairs of some kind (again, you don’t need the damned descriptions), and apparently have been talking for ages. Miko: Hey, remember the Bronze Age? Tommy: Yeah, that was fun. Miko: It was just so awesome. Tommy stands up out of his seat, because I’m not going to waste everyone’s time with unnecessarily dialogue. Indeed, it’s a first, but I don’t have much time before I have to complete this promo. Tommy: I gotta pee. See what I mean? Short, sweet, and straight to the point. Mr. Page walks out of the room, and Miko is left alone. Well, the cameraman is still there. Good ol’ Kammy. Miko, bless his orphan heart (orphans deserve to win title defenses, by the way!) turns to the camera. He looks tired. He looks sad. He looks desperate.. in one way or another. Slowly, and looking straight into the camera lens, the Mikotic One pours his soul out to the world….. Miko: Damn, kids. I’m tired. I’m really freaking tired. I need to go to bed, I need to take a nap, I need to catch some Z’s, I need to have a wet dream, I need to wake up and realize that the sheets need to be washed, I need to think I just got blown by Carrie, I need to just… relax. He sighs. Miko: You want to know what I’m tired of? I’m tired of all the over-booking. I’ve been wrestling every week for the past month, ever since I won these Tag Team titles with Tommy. First, I fought Maxx, and I lost. Then, I fought for the Hardcore title against Jay Lasek. I won. This past week, I fought on both Carnage and RAW, defending the Tag Titles not once – but twice! And now I have to come full circle and defend the Hardcore title from week two against the man I lost against in week one. Too many weeks. Not

enough time. … Actually, I don’t know how that makes any sense at all, but it worked in my mind a few minutes ago. Or seconds. Gaahhh!! See? Apparently, my IQ is dropping like a penguin on ice! I’m so stressed out right now! I’m just too stressed out to have yet another match – tonight, at Extreme Revolution! Our nomadic soldier takes a swig from his hot cocoa. What a quaint soul. Did you know he’s also crippled in his right tibia? Come on, sympathy points. Miko: But hey, you know what’s even worse than just being tired? ..That’s right. Being scared. I’m scared – only a little, but scared nonetheless – I’m scared of facing Maxx. He beat me before, and he can beat me again. I mean, look at him. He’s got Teddy Long on his side. He’s even got Mick Foley on his side now! That’s two people rooting for him! This is uneven numbers. ..Actually, Miko, he just evened the score. You’ve had Tommy Page and Chuck Norris helping you out for over a month now. Miko: No no. See, he already gets 15 bonus points for beating me last time. Therefore, with my two helpers, the score was even. Now it’s uneven, and he has an unfair advantage. Clearly, he’ll win. But not according to the big book of storyline rules. Since he won round 1 of the feud, you’ll obviously have to win round 2, or the feud just won’t have any steam at all. Miko: This isn’t a feud, though! It’s face vs. face! Who’s ever heard of a tense face vs. face feud? Stone Cold vs. The Rock? Eddie Guerrero vs. Rey Mysterio? Anonymous Diva # 13 vs. Anonymous Diva #98 vs. Trish Stratus? Come on. Miko: Ah, but those weren’t REALLY face vs. face feuds. Eventually, someone turned heel. Well then, I guess that’s just what you’re going to have to do. Miko: Turn heel? No, turn face. Miko: …I’m already a face. I thought you were a wood elf. Miko: Shut up! I was actually making a solid argument with several supporting points, for the very first time in my life. I’m trying to show people that I’m not just fun and games all the time. But then, you had to butt in…

…And prove you wrong? I thought so. Miko: You know what? I don’t think it’s ever been me that made it too chaotic. This has ALWAYS been YOUR fault, Mr. Narrator! Oooh, strong words, coming from a mental hospital reject! Miko: ..You vowed never to speak of that again. Prepare to die!!! ………. Miko: ……… Weren’t you making a point a while back? Miko: ..Oh, right. So anyways, I’m scared of fighting Maxx. And I’m tired of being over-booked. Now, if only I could get rid of this Hardcore title, so I could just stick to being a tag champion. Then I could actually get to sleep every now and then! [Editor’s note: The irony of this is that I’m writing this at 2 AM, and last night I only got 3 ½ hours of sleep. If I go to bed right now, I’ll still only get 6 hours of sleep, tops. You bastards. I hate you all.] Miko: But how can I get rid of this belt? …If only there was a way where I could have title defenses at any time of day, any day of the week! You know, 24 hours a day… Seven days a week! I think I counted it right! 24, and 7! I shall dub this the 24/7 RULE!!!! …..Now, if only it actually existed…. Wait a tick! It does exist!!! WOOHOOO!! At this point, the locker room door is kicked down by renowned paleontologist and all-around good guy, Chuck Norris. In he walks, alongside his old personal friend, Earl Hebner. Chuck: You know, Earl, I think it’s funny that you’re family’s going to starve to death now… Miko: Chuck!! I need you to do me a favor, man! Immediately! Respond, dammit! Why aren’t you responding??? Chuck: …Because the narrator wouldn’t press the “Enter” button? Miko: Damn you, narrator…. Sorry, Miko. I tried – aww, dammit. I forgot to press the Enter button again. Ah, there we go. That’s much better. Go ahead, Chuck.

Chuck: Thanks. So, what’s this favor of yours? Miko: Well…. …He gets into fighting stance… Miko: …I need you to FIGHT ME!!!!! Dun dun dun!!!!! Chuck: No. ………All that suspenseful music for nothing. Miko: Why not? Chuck: Because I’m your manager. There mustn’t be quarrels in such a relationship. Miko: But it’s not a quarrel – it’s a fight! There’s a difference. Chuck: Oh, really? Name one. Miko: Well, for starters, the word “fight” isn’t slightly reminiscent of the word “squirrel.” Earl: Ha! Owned. Chuck: Shut up, Earl. ..Miko, what’s going on now? Why the sudden urge to face the Human Tidal Wave, Chuck “The Sticky Tack” Norris? …Yeah, yeah. I’m STILL working on a good nickname for him. Miko: Uh… well…. The champ looks away quickly, trying to think quickly on his feet. Hide all radioactive materials, people; this could get ugly. Miko: …DON’T YOU TRY STACKIN’ UP TO ME!!! And lo, he gets in Chuck’s face. Well, more like his chest. If you check the bio, Miko’s sort of on the small side… Hrmph. Interesting. Chuck isn’t all that intimidated.

Chuck: I’m not all that intimidated, Miko. You know what I could do to you. I did it to your sister 8 short years ago, and I can do it to you right here, right now!!! Miko: Don’t you even THINK of pulling out the wooden spoon, Chuck! I’m a grown man now, dammit!! I WILL KICK YOUR SORRY ASS!!!! SLAP!!!!!!! …The slap heard ‘round the world, ‘tis… Miko actually slaps Chuck Norris straight across the… belly? I certainly didn’t see THAT coming. Chuck grits his teeth, but only the slightest bit. I mean, come on, the guy’s made of pure adamantium and spirituality. It’s not like he’s actually hurt… On the outside, that is. The poor guy starts getting a little ticked off, however. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!!! Chuck: Okay, Miko… I’ll fight you. LLLLLLLLLLLLLLET’S GET READY TO RRRRRRRRRUMBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ding ding ding! Norris gets into his classic fighting stance. …Wait, does he even use a fighting stance? Yeah, I suppose he does, but nothing “classic,” really. It’s different every time, it seems. One fight he’s a boxer; the next, he’s trained in Muy Thai; the next, he’s holding a large wooden pylon. Suffice to say, anyway, that this time he’s ready to fight. I think he’s ready to grapple or something… I can never tell. Miko, on the other hand, stands perfectly still. Chuck: ..Aren’t you going to attack? Miko: Nope. Chuck: O…kay… You asked for it! I’m sorry for this! The dramatic Danny Elfman theme (# 29810, that is) plays, and the camera goes into slow motion. Walker leaps into the air, twirls like a ballerina, sticks his right foot out, and collides his ankle straight into the cheek of the undaunted Miko! BAM! Miko falls to the ground, nearly unconscious. With his last breath, he looks up… Miko: …Chuck… pin me….. Befuddled, Chuck shrugs and hooks Miko’s leg.

Earl: 1! 2! 3! Ding ding ding! Ladies and gentlemen, your winner…. Chuuuuuuuuck Nooooooorriiiiiiiis!!! Chuck: Miko, Miko, Miko… Are you happy now? Miko: Yeah. Now help me up before I get an ulcer, dammit. Chuck: You mean a splinter? Miko: Shut up. As Chuck pulls Miko up to his feet, Tommy walks back in. His fly is down, but he doesn’t seem to notice. Tommy: Hey, what’s going on in here? Miko: Well, you just missed it, Tommy. Chuck Norris is now our new Hardcore Champion!! Chuck: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA *gasp* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?????? ???????????????????????????????????????????? *wheeze* ????????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Miko: Hardcore matches can take place anytime, anywhere. You just pinned me, so you’re the champ. Chuck: ..I can’t believe it. I AM the new champ! ....This isn’t right… This isn’t right at all! This is an outrage! A travesty!! A DELCARATION OF INDPENDENCE! Tommy: I, uh, didn’t follow that last one there, Chuck.

Chuck: How could you do this to me, Miko? I can’t be the Hardcore Champion! I might be an impressive athlete, but I’m just a big softy on the inside. Now fight me again and take back this damned title!!! Miko: Hell no! Chuck: Take it!! TAKE IT!! Miko: No!! Screw you!!!! There’s no way I’m going the hell into the ring at Extreme Revolution! Chuck: …Don’t you dare… GAHH!!! I GUESS WE’LL HAVE TO DO THIS THE HARD WAY!!! And without warning, CHUCK NORRIS BACKHAND PUNCHES HIMSELF IN THE FACE. He falls to the ground, fully unconscious. Miko: …Uh. What is he…? Earl: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 Miko: ---Crap!! Earl: 8 9 10! Miko’s the winner via KO! Miko: DAMMIT!!! Tommy: Say… Congratulations, Miko! You’re now a 2-time Hardcore champion! Miko: ..I am? I am!! By golly whiz gee whillikers, I am!! Yesss!!!! 2-TIME, 2TIME! 2-TIME, 2-TIME!! WOOHOOO!! Bigg Jonn, who just happened to be walking by at the time, pops his head in through the door.

Jonn: Actually, Miko, that loss and win won’t count. This is your own promo, after all. So it won’t count in the records. You’re still only a 1-time champion. Miko: Shut up, you party pooper! The 2-time champion reaches for a steel pipe and whips it across the room, nailing Jonn straight in the eye. Jonn goes down. There, the tradition lives on. Happy, kids? Chuck: HA! The near-dead Chuck Norris suddenly kicks up to his feet, rolls back and forth armystyle, does a couple somersaults, and backflips over the couch, before standing up normally like any rational human being. Tommy: Wow, that was completely unnecessary, but I’m impressed all the same. Chuck: Hey, Miko. I can see that you’re scared of fighting Maxx, but you really shouldn’t be. Miko: Eh? Chuck: I mean, sure, Maxx beat you last time. And sure, Maxx has Teddy Long. And sure, Maxx has Mick Foley. And sure, Maxx is more talented than you are. And sure, Maxx doesn’t have an ambiguously homoerotic relationship with his tag partner— Tommy coughs and looks down at the floor. Chuck: ..But, speaking of ambiguous homoeroticism, you’ve got a much larger hee-haw than he does. Everyone else looks around at each other, confused. Earl: The hell’s a hee-haw? Tommy: Yeah, I dunno. Miko: What is it, Chuck? Chuck: You know, a ding-dong? Miko: No..? Chuck: A whippersnapper? Tommy: That move by Mikey Whipreck?

Chuck: No… a wingbat? Earl: The ****??? Chuck: I’M TALKING ABOUT YOUR PENIS, MIKO! YOUR PENIS!!! YOU HAVE A MUCH LARGER PENIS THAN MAXX!!!!! Everyone stops. Cue the awkwardest silence ever, in the entire history of not only mankind, but the universe and the creation thereof. Miko: Okay… uh… I think we should end this segment. Now. Turn the camera off! And that’s it.