4 08 06 Promo Heat

We now return you to your regularly scheduled program. Theme song guy: In the eyes of a ranger, The unsuspecting stranger, Had better know the truth of wrong from right, 'Cause the eyes of a ranger are upon you, Any wrong you do, he's gonna see, When you're in Texas, look behind you, 'Cause that's where the rangers gonna be.

The TV clicks off, and now there’s a camera angle. I dunno what the hell we were looking at during the theme song. Anyhoo, hi, it’s great to be back. It’s been and a while, and I’d just-- Chuck Norris: Dude. WTF. I’m the one on camera, remember? Stop rambling and let me “do my thang.” The apparently fresh-turned gangsta Chuck Norris is, indeed, sitting on his $20,000 snakeskin recliner that he purchased while rescuing endangered parrots from crossfire in the Alamo. Norris: I don’t sleep. I wait. Stop it. Norris: Kay. So! Why are we watching Chuck Norris in the middle of a Miko promo, you ask? Norris: Ooh! Ooh! I know! Pick me, pick me! Yes, you with the Hulk Hogan skin-colored beard of disfranchisement. Answer now. Norris: You’re all watching me banter with the narrator to prove a point! Well done. Elaborate for extra credit. Norris: Yess! Two more gold stars and I get a free trip to Dairy Queen. Those who actually understand this business already know why I should be here. As for those who do not… well… you’ll find out… You’ll find out… find out…. Out… … … Norris (nodding his head): Oooh, yeah.

You’ve grown clinically insaner, haven’t you? Norris: “Insaner” isn’t a word, but I know what you mean by it. It’s like saying “underwhelming.” Same idea. “Insaner” and “underwhelming” don’t mean the same thing. Norris: Oh, no, I know that. I meant they both carry the same idea— No, they don’t! If two words have entirely separate meanings – which these two words do – then they can’t possibly carry the same idea! Norris: Let me finish, let me finish! I know that. What I meant was— I don’t want to hear it. Norris: But— Don’t want to hear it! Norris: -Nope! Norris: …Fine. Hmph. That’s better. Miko: Hey, Chuck! Finally, Miko walks in! I can finally take a narrative, as opposed to a dialogical, role! Cory_Chaos does not know that word! Miko: Still playing mind games with him, are we? Indeed. Miko: Sweet. Go back to narrating. The narrator returns to narrating. But for how long – or short – is anyone’s guess. Spooky fingers! Miko: Hey, Chuck!

Norris hops up out of his chair. Oh, yeah, and this is just a typical locker room setup. No need to describe it. Norris: Son of a walrus, it’s Miko Gekijou! Miko: Eep! My name! Norris: Don’t cry. It’s in your Bio section. On the FPV Board. Miko: DON’T BREAK KAYFABE!! Norris: But we’ve done that a million times. In fact, that’s like all we ever do. Miko: Not anymore, friend. Chuck Norris, as well as our entire audience, gives a collective “UHHH?!?!?!?!?” Miko: That’s right. I’m a changed man. Norris: …Where…. Where have you been all this time, anyway? Miko: …I figured this would come up. Norris: Tell us, Miko. Tell the world your story. Miko: Very well. The song “At Zanarkand” plays in the background, as Miko looks off the cliff toward the ruined city. Miko: Listen to my story. This may be our last chance. Norris: No, it won’t. Miko: Shut up, Chuck. CAMERA FADE OUT CHAPTER 1 It was a cold day. I had been running for miles. They were after me, and I didn’t know where to turn. It had just been too much pressure. Why did they need me? What was so important that they had to interrupt my candlelight dinner at the Roxwell? She was indiscriminate that night. It was great. But then.. they came. The Followers. I had heard of their endeavors over the last several months, but only until recently had it occurred to me what they would do in my life. Could they destroy my entire being?

Moreover, who were they “Following”? In only a matter of moments, everything would change. As they followed me, I realized that I was “The Leader,” as it were. It finally made sense. I stopped running – mostly because there was a fence in front of me, and my foot had been transmogrified into a turtle-shaped pie. You mix the two slowest things in the world together, and you get turtle-shaped pie. So, I turned around and yelled at them. “Hey! This doesn’t make any sense!” Raul, the burly man wearing red overalls, tackled me. I had left myself open for business, if you will. The second, and most important man in the business, Phil, had an opportunity of a lifetime. Everything blurred into white. What happened next will make even less sense than this. -----------------------------------------------CHAPTER 2 I awoke. Everything seemed very Japan-ish. The grass was green and not lawnmowed, and Hello Kitty was pooping over by the trees. Some ***hat in a fedora was standing over me, asking inane things like, “Are you all right?” and “What’s your name, son?” ****ing annoying. I kicked up to my feet and looked around. Hello Kitty was still pooping. This had to be Japan. “Where am I?” I inquired. “Taiwan,” he answered. Oh. I was close. “Despite my total ignorance to both the geography and culture of this nation,” I continued, “could you be a bit more specific?” “Nope.” And then he ran away. I was on my own. The whole situation was taxing on my brain, but I knew it would go away. I just needed some anthrax, or maybe Advil. Or gonorrhea. Wait, did I already make a gonorrhea joke in this promo? Okay. I didn’t. Let’s move on. CHAPTER 3 Before I knew it, I was there. I had made it. Titan Towers. Dang, are those some moderately sized buildings. These one-line paragraphs look like a poem. As I made my way inside, Vince McMahon greeted me at the door. I didn’t expect that, but I figured his doorman had just been fired. Or he was on his way out. “Hey, Vince,” I whispered as I passed. “Not now,” he cried out at the top of his lungs, “I’m on my way to the movies!”

CHAPTER 4 “Garfield: The Movie.” Why, in the deep blue hell of the worldly potcooking, did I ever agree to go see “Garfield: The Movie” with Vincent McMahon? “Hey,” Vince corrected me, “Why are you typing your story in the middle of the movie? Eat your popcorn. Oh, and it’s Vincent Kennedy McMahon.” I obliged, and enjoyed the rest of the movie. As we left the theater, I finally mustered the gumption to ask him something. “Mr. McMahon, sir,” I began. He turned and looked at me, giving an expression of pure ecstasy. It was one of the most frightening moments of my life. For some reason, he wouldn’t say a thing, so I simply went ahead with my question. “What’s the point of kayfabe?” I gulped. His ecstasy wore off, and was swiftly replaced by thoughtfulness. Emotions are easily changeable. “Well, my boy,” he grumbled as he looked to the sky, “the business wouldn’t make sense if people thought that it wasn’t competitive.” “But they already think that, Vince.” CHAPTER 5 That’s how I ended up here. THE END Miko: And that’s my story. Chuck: That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. By the way, while you were rambling, some guy started making fun of you on TV. On wrestling TV, no less. Miko: WHAT?! Bull! A bull runs through the room, crashes into a locker, and falls over, dead. Miko: That was unnecessary. I figure I’ll beat the guy that’s mocking me. I’ll take the Number One Contendership from him. Chuck: I don’t know if he already has it or not. I think it might simply be up for grabs. Miko: It’s currently vacant? Chuck nods his head. Miko: Oh. That’s weird as hell. Why would he challenge me to a match, then? Chuck: He didn’t.

Miko: …Oh. Okay then. Hey, want a bologna sandwich? Freakazoid: DO I!!!!! Five minutes later. Freakazoid walks out of the diner, rubbing his belly. Freakazoid: Man, that was one good bologna sandwich. Hey, Miko, remember that time I trained you to be a wrestler? Miko: That makes sense. Sure, we’ll go with that. It’ll add an interesting element to my character. Chuck: Oh? Which element is that? All: LIGHTNING!!!!! The crowd laughs, as the promo ends. CAMERA FADE