3. Patrick Califia 'manliness'.pdf

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ridiculous not easier like the ot saying,"Y I still d define as l in the woI Pernrcx Celrpra thought, s I am mort wer€borr hashad m m€asifI oPtron ou My thr sIx Ac flvtsr, ANo psy(:HorHLRApts r Per C,r.r-trtlbecamePatrick WHENpRoLlFIcAUTHoR, Califia individua at the .lgc of forty-live, it ivJs a surprise to much of the lesbiancommurritv in rvhich he hadbeena fbrenrtrstpubLichgur....\lthoughinl99ThehadpublishedSerC,rrnges,acommentaryontransqenderthis is wh politic!, his personald ecision to undergogcDdertransition wasstill unexpectedill many quarters.Four me with r Intcr, in Ihi5 published articlc origilalll' b)' Ihe Srn Francisco sex shop, Go,rd Vibratjons, Califa But some )crts feilectcdon his experienceofnranhood an.l mascqlinit)i iniured, a C.rli6alindstheI.rbel'in^n'inadequatelodescribehisexperience,silcehishistor,vandknowledgc smalle! n ofthc rvorld hatl becn so diflircnt florn men who rverebiologicalnralesraisedasboys.He suggests tlut to call me manhood ir ils conventiondlform hitslittle in conlmon Kilh the $a)'he h,1dchosento bc in theworld, I knov He llso lcknowledgc:lhtt his own under'stilnding ofmanhood resonates with that ofnlrnli i!onfi, relationsl rras his lnd shapedby historv of living howeveruncomlbrtablv-as a rvoman fbr nTostofbislife.ln (ialifiabringsinro Through nrlking theseadnissrons, Drore pri!"atet 1'ublicrliscussioltopicsthathrvecirculated for sonretime amongtransgrndernren.SomeF'lNlsfeelthat perhapsit is not possibleto "beaman' other to I Nithoul o lifetime'.\ socializariLrn in the role ofman. Moreover,sociallvdorninantforr}rsofmasculine fishing. (

Manliness

personhood-even ii they codd be attailcd arc often not even desl|ed b,vintlividu,rls with temale life histories,farticularlyifthose intlividualshavefeministlerningsind lesbianhistorjes. (rFinionlie.e, and raiscs Califir r.risesthe issueol leI1lrlernasculinitl)in this FKrvoctttivc aswell the questionofanvattendartpoliticalobligationto reshapcsocialandculturalunderstandings oimasauliDil).His i\rticlejs pcrhapsmost rr'levantfor FTNImen rvhohrve conreout ofthe lcsbianfeminisl cotumunit), who hate rctained the values of that comnunity ind who have lbrged an evencloser senseof comr)runitywjth eachother throuehtheir transilions.Ii shouldalsobe ofintcrest,howev€r, to a broacleraudicnceol genderscholarsseeking.ritical \'antag.poinrson the \ocial(onstruclionof nlanhood,olilsculinih,, and maleness. "Wh,v irre hlonde tokcsso short?" "Sotnerl aartretrtnber thatn," "!Vhv clo spt'rm hirvesuch a shor'tway to swinr?" "Bi:cLttstiJ thcy ht l to stopta dskdircctions,tlt.yA evr /,dkt it." -Anonymous lnternet hunor

l'm home recuperatingfrom chcstsurSer)..lt hastaken me four yearsof therapy,55 dosesoftesto$€r. with liiends,a lot ofsoul searching, one,innumerableconversations and two:lonths working fon gaymen'.smental health serviceto get to this point. In the end, what it camedolvn to wasthatI c0u[ Dotprogress in my explorationolmasculinitl and nale identitywithout the helpofa p)astic surgeon Despitea deepervoice,a redistribution ofbody fat, and a fuzzy thce,in order to passI had to weur

AI I I h ofwhat il II action skill in v a small-t charm, c another . his wife and nob Wher it just b( amazing column backwal better pl onam o stake in The arcl longer z I ve I

trick Caiifia had been a transgender arters.Four ions, Cali6a lknowledge uggeststhat n theworld. my women, rf his lif-e.In )re privately ''be a rnan" Irnasculine r'Jithfemale risesas well ngsofmasrn-feminist even closcr itruction of

humor i oftestostervorking for a ; that I could stic surgeon. Ladto wear a

to gender'Daive It had gottenhardct ridiculoudl' bulkl jicket irndlin)it nrvsocialiDteractions t)eople. preference pronollrrs. poLite assert my for male I-lven when there was cornpliance,I felt 00teasier, to blctheother persont e)'eswere lljckiDg frorn my chestup to my face,and inside thel were silently "\'eah,right." nyrng, I $ill don'tquite knorvwbat to call mvself.lt is hard to claim the word "man'; easierto sinlply 45 yearsofhistory operating I had irccumulated ddneasFTM (ternale-tomale)or transgendered. btheworld asa rvoman,albeit a very dilierent sort ofwoman, before I transitioned.'Ihose habits of dtought, self imnge,nrovcmellt,expression:rreharclto break,no nl:rtterhow d€eprny dissatislhction. who canhonestlvsaytheyfeellike men who Iemmore thana littlejealousof "primarytranssexuals" Nly genderdysphoria {ereborninto the wrong bodies;th.t th€l are correctinqan error of n.rtrrre. brs hadmoreto do with feelingthat there is somethingrvrongwhen other peopleperceivedor treated for the onll other neas ifl tierea gil.l.Not wantingto be fen)nle,bui Dotha\,iDgmuch enthusiasm our societvoilers. option Mytherapistkeepsreminding e that it',spossibleto be both male rnd fenrale,or to crcatean that is a path bctweenthesedichotomies.I dont know if individual synthesis of genderexpression tlisjswhereI will be for the restofml life,or jfgettingrnorefacialhair u,ill tip the balanceaDdsend newithmoredeterminationinto the terriloryoi manhood.(It leclssilly to evensavthesewords.) haschanged,with the new shapeof n,v torso.I rvls afraidI woLrldfeelmutilatedor But something and I don't. I t-eelreliet. I feel lightnessofbcing and hopc nltd optimisnl. lt feelsright to have injured, nipples,a chestthat tellsgrocerystoreclerksand peoplebehindthe counterat the postolfice maller htallme sir insteadof ma'anr. I knowthat some of m,vreluctanceto embracernanlinesswholeheartedlycomesfrom a twisted alationship with nry fLrthcr,rvho seemeddetermiued to beat an!' resistanceto lirnrir)init)'oLltof me. physicatordealsthat were scriptedas gamesor sports, he ol1-ered rle one chanceafter anlhrough otler to pror,eto him that l r!asn'ta girl. Boxing.Football.Shooti|9.Wrestlinq.Hikine. Htrntingand fihing.Ofcourse,none ofthese contestsu'erefair. idea Alll hadto do to loservasto shou prin, losemv temper.or give'up let alonr'cry.Nly l-ather's it meantto be a man wasbasedon the insanestanclardsof a Wild Westshow or a World War ofwhat Ilaction novie. IJeembodieda crazyirmouDtof pbysicalcourage,strensth,and stan)ina,a spooky $ll in woodcrah,kno$,ledgeabout wildlite, and al appetitet'br alcohol and rvonen that nradehinr possessed legend.He \r'asan jntelligentand unscrupulous sadistwho nevertheless great lsmall-town tenderness. I ahvavs knervthatmy fathcrrvasquitecapabie ofkilling clum,charisma, andsentimental nlan.'lhis wassupposedto makeme feelsai!,sinceoneofthe tasksofa realman is to protect oolher hiswifeand chilclren,but it seemedto rne that lvhLrtI mostiy neededrvasto be protectedfrorn hirn, utdnobodv was eoualt() that chore. llheuI wasequivocating rbout whetherto keeptakingtestosteroire or not,.1sking nrl selfif l liked itjustbecauseit gaveme an excuseto stick a needletull of a drLrginto my bodl', I tripped over au rmazinglv deepwell ofshameabout maleness, and antipathltowird it. Thejokesat the startofthis olumncorre from that place.Everybody,even men, kno$' that they are at best stupid, rvrong, and hckward; al worst, evil.The good people,the peoplcu'ho will transt'brmthe n'orld and makeit a safet htterplace, arewomen.Theheroof todayis not Superman.Sheis a 16 year-oldcathvomanof color \rith a sharpr.ooden dramotorcvcle, or an I 8 vear-oldblondenrartialartist wh o patrolsgraveyards "Dark in one hand. I love slake Angel" and Bury the Va[rpire Slayeri'Amazons are still necessar]:. ofthe fen'rale rvarriorolferssomethin.q reparative to 21st centur) souls.But ifl an no fig3schg1ype longer a clyke,no longcr an Amazon, what/lvho am I? AIe men good ibr an)-thing at all? l'veaskedas many straight rvomen as I know about this, liguring that sincethey sleepwith men

1,,\lt{ lr \( Alll' ,\

It seems t0 dnd even Iive with them, they oughr to kr)ow what valuablequalitiesthey possess. question.A coupleof times,my hel girlfriendshaveadnitted that theyIiIe embarrassing that boyfrieDdsare useful lbr picking up heaw things and changing the oil in the car.One mentionedthat her male Ioverwasthe only personwho would rvat(h "Beavisand Buttheafl and laugh as hard asshedid. Another said that watching her boyfriend move aroundthe rvaslike watching her big dog run through the park. Therervassomethingunseliconscious that madeher lovehim. Dhvsicality \{here are the toeholdsI coulcluseto scalethe wall into the castleof manliness?I Iike and I think lin pretty good at it, but nly dick is not a biological organ; therelsno u'ayto skirt ca$ that deficit. I'm disabled,so I hardly ever pick up heavy things, and what I krorv abor.rt be written on the inside of a matchbook cover in 20-poi[t t]?e. Phvsicalgraceis a rareand N{ostofthe time I livein my head,or in a book,or in somebodyelseshead.My experience. in my intellect;my sharpestweaponis my tongue;m),biggestmuscleis ny brain.I getinsidt of people\ sexual placesby understandingthem, by being willing to see and acceptaspects fantasiesor needsthat are usuallyreDressed. ln a world where women are supposedto feel and men are supposedto act, I standin the and comprehend what both of them are doing, and why. tsut I remain a strangerin eachof rerrltorles. When i cravea seamlessmale image,what I\n nostly longing for is consistencvand to the social convenienceof passingwithout bcing queslionedor challenged.Itt dangerous other people about your gender There'-s a lot of transphobicrage on the street,looking for a Why "normal" people shorrldbe so angry about sorneoneelse'sdevianceis an interesting but it's not one I want to confront ever) time I go out to buy a sandwichor walk througha I hav€beenan outsider all mv Iife,and sometimesI get \\'eakand long lbr the simpleminded of belonging,.justbeingone more hornedbeastin the herd. N{aybethe problem is that I am trying to find a diflerent ratiorale fbr living or a diflerent virtue for men and lvomen, when ir fact we all ought to be judged according to a single thtrgs like compassion,honesty,the ability to nurture, independence,self-care,vulnerability, or industry are worthrvhile qualitiesfor both men and ship, desire,creativity,assertiverress, to poss€ss.Itl Do longer acceptablefor men to claim exemption from houseworkor the reciprocityit takesto maintaiuiDtimacybecauseoftheir willingnessto compete,fight, or diein or emergencies. Still,I keepthiuking theremust be somethinEuniqueabout ousoccupations man, something6t to be celebratedin ritual and mlthology, the stuffof a spiritual mystery Or is this desire the root of the ortDressionof women-the need to cordon ofi certain activities experiencesand say "Only we can do this and women may not;' becausewe must havea pride and uniquenessin order to have rneaningfullives? Perhapstransition will be an ironic experiencefor me, and I will discoverthat I remainthesan person,having changedonlv m1'phvsical appearance.Noq that's a depressingthought!I if I can talk abour what I like about being a nan and disliked about being a woman without attackedfor being sexist?Can I make a few generalizationswith the understandingthat therewin alwaysbe individual exceptions?I'm not trying to sayone genderis better than the other or ou$tb havepower over the other I haveno idea ifthe experienceofgenetic men resemblesmine. Buttakiq testosteronehasgiven IIle some cluesabout the differencesbetweenthe sex€s. Itl harderto trnck psychologicalor emotionalchangesdue to taking testosteronethan it is tonotie the physicaldifferences.But I tbink the former actually outweigh the latter. It isn't that has made me a dilTerentperson. I alwayshad a high sex drive, liked porn and casuaisex,coul&l

givit and i

on T, to eat, l I couldn

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or getcaught rthen Youget romething or Casualse cfrcientlYas I dont think very much h iust assume to take sexu is their willi this canbe be the one t It's easie want to ma that I'm abl not kiddinl a trightmar for somelr Pen,to fal andwe do somebod lessbullsh Asbitt nessandI wasa goo ing smar

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M AN I IN IJ SS

seemsto be l' like coclc r. One read"with h€B the apartment ious about hir ePenetratiorL r skirt around ,ut cars could and valuablc My macho is : inside other rects of their n the middle rachof these . I invisibility, s to confuse for a targ€t, rg questron, a museum. led pleasure :ent code of e standard.

Iiry friendrrd women emotional rin dangerout being a f teaching. ctivities or Lsource of I the same I wonder Loutbeing there.will r ought to |ut taking ito notice tosterone , couldnt

givingup masturbation,was able to expressmy anger,and shorveda pretty high level ofau But all ofthese things havegotten much more intense.During the hrst six andassertiveness. appetite I had n'aspainfully sharp.A friend of mine expressedit this way: "When onT,every toeat,Ihad to eat right fucking nort If I was horny, I had to come immediately.IfI neededto Icouldn'twait. If I was pissedo1i,the words came right out of my mouth. If I was bored, I had I My body and all the ph)'sicalsensationsthat spring from it have acquireda piquancy and that is both entertaining and occasionallyinconvenient.Moving through the world immediacy morefun, involvesmore stimulation than it used to; life is more here-and-now,more about andobjects,lessabout thoughts and feelings. true ofsexuality.I alwaysliked visualerotic material,but it can take me over now Ihisisespecially rwaythatit didnt before.This appliesto dirty magazines,X-rated videos,billboards that feature cleavage, and any personon the street\l'ho seemsattractive.Betbretaking T, I neverbought thebullshitabout womeni sexualitybeing "whole body" rather than genital;I knew where my camefrom. Now I feel a much stronger,localizedconcentrationof reaction and need.I can understandwhy men can (and must!) pay $40 for a blowjob on the $'ay home fiom work, jacking offin public toilets.There'.s somethingabout having genitalsthat visibly change caught yougetarousedthat makesthe sexualexperiencenore palpable.It makesthe fact that I desire or someoneseemmuch more real. sexhaschanged.When I want to get ofl, my priority is to lind somebodywho will do that as Casual aspossible,and while I certainly would rather havea pleasantinteractionwith that person, think a lot about how they were doing before they got down on their knees,and I dont care how they feelafter they get up and leave.lti hard to keeptheir needsin mind; it\ easierto assume that if they wanted an)thing, it was their responsibilityto try to get it. I alrvayspreferred sexualinitiative,and that hasbecomeeven more ego-congruent.Part ofwhat t like about men willingnessto put it out there,so to speak to take responsibilityfor runningthe fuck. While canbe a rather obnoxious quaiity, it'.salso true that if sex is going to happen,somebodyhas to oneto say "Leti do it." It'seasier to make decisions.I don't get so caught up in agonizing about what I should do. I just makea choiceso I caDmove on arrdget somethingdone.What I do matterslessthan the fact ableto getbusy,feelthat I'm making progress.My hand eyecoordination hasimproved.(l'm I neverusedto be ableto catch things that were thrown at me, and parallelparking was ni$tmare.Now I don't even think about doing thesetasks.)Working with other people has also, weirdreason,gottenbetter I dont fret about hierarchiesor teamwork.It just seemsto hapto fall into place.Ofcourse, that may be becauseI am mostly doing things with groupsofmen, Fn, dont haveto engagein that endlesscrap aboutreachingconsensus, or punisheachother if mdwe daresto excel.Men seemable to form teamsor squadsmore easilythan women. There's nmebody hss bullshitaboutleadershipor taking orders. Asbitterly asl'vehatedmy father,I alsospentnuch ofmy childhoodadmiringhis physicaladept' lru andlongingfor his approvaland love.(Isn't this a songthat every man singsinto his beer?)There personin there.Ifhe hadnt been troubled by a rnother who made hirn feel guilty for betnsagood and healthy(unlike his brother, rvho had Dou'n\ syndrome),a bad marriageto a religious ingsrnart a life threateningjob that crushedhis body and soul,and clinical depression,we would have fuatic, brdaverydifferentrelationship. the terrifying responsibilityof trying to provide for a rvife and six kids on a coal mineri Despite hewascapableof memorableacts of careand enchantment.He pulled every one ofmy baby mlary andwas so quick about it, so good at making me laugh, that I can't remember feeling any teeth,

pain at {ll. Whetbe' he wasgivirlglne nastytastingcold medicineor putting ointmentin mI he wasgentleand sw€etto me when I wirssick.He wasalwaysbringinghome amazingthings underground-rocks that glorvedwhen vou put theill uirder a blacklight,fossilizedfernsand plain egg-shaped rocksthat containedglitteringwonders footprints,quartzcrystalsalrdagates, were cracked in NIy love and they half. ofrvildlife m1'ability to navigateand survive outdoors smnllgifts,and they arethingsthat m)' mother certainlywould neverhavetried to instillin me. Being a tig or a third-gcnder pcrson is a u'ay for rn€to trv to salvagethe good that I sawin father,the virtues that I seein ordinar) men, rvithout being darnagedby the ugliness,the that madernervar;'ofrnv dad.I rage,the hatredofhr)nrc'sexuais, the racism,thr'arrogance bccausehe couldn't shoot our sick old dog, but I hatcd lritn becausehe could clobber meevery and neverthink twiceabouthow it feltto nreor rvhetherit wasfair.He l\.asnot ableto be man, ofbeing a breadwinnerand a man'.s He wasableto shoulderthe crushingresponsibilitv couldnt cngagein enoughintrospectionto .alculatethe costol that,or flexibleenoughto look Stiil,evenin his capacitylbr violence,I am ableto see othersoiutionsto Iife'sbig problenrs. utrthwhilc. l'nl not a pacih$t.I can't bclievethat there n'ill ever be a tillre rvhenhuman beings needhuntersor soldiers.\{hat we needto lind (or rcgain)is a scnseofgriefor losswhenaninal human Iife is taken,and a profound humilit). about wheth€r we irre worthv to elTectsucha changc,cvcnifour ir)l.nli()nsarc ft) servelifo :]ndp()tect thc peoplewe love. there areirltarsto goddesses all overmy house.A lew stittuesand postersofShiva,Ganesha,Cq. nunnos,and Panhavecreptin asu'cll.I havea silverpictureofSrdis,a Celticgod of healing sprinsi that I wcar around my neck. Iir glad there are pagat gods rvho are phallic beqausethey repre$d pleasureor rvisdomor the abiliry to unite wirh the lemaleprinciple, not becausethey aredomineerilg or murderous.Gods \,\'horep.esentthe \\ild rvorld,rlho guard aswell the feral part ofhumanb€ing!. Ilivine heroeslike Gilgmreshand Enkiddu,men rvholovedeachother. It seemsso much more difficult for rren to approaclrole ano rer in a spirit of equalityanddesin than it is lor wornento bond eroticallyand rornanticalll'. l]ut I think that is wherernostofthetrans. lbrurationol manhoodand masculinityis takingshape.Fervinsultscancarry asmucb scornasthe word ".-ocksr.rckerl' When I hear somcbodyspit out this sluc I am struck not just by the antigayhatftd behird it. but alsothe sellhatred. themseives, Men aregoingto despise theirbodies,and theirgcnitalsuntil thevlearnbowtoexpress their malenessin an honorable aDd respectfulwar'.Despiteour impertections.our iintitations,h0,{ do we beconrew'orthy of self-care,and mr,ttualafliliirtions?This qucstion has iar-reachingspiriturJ and political inplicatirllrs. I expectit may take the w'holesecondhalf of mv life to ligure outeyen a parti:rl answer.But I beljevesortredatI will hear the word 'tocksucker,"and knorv that it\ saidwh arve,with admiration,to designate a hoiy person.a stateofpriesthood,a healer,a hero.

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